Work Text:
Just another heist. That's what it should have been. The target had been easy, a wealthy merchant had bought a house, but he was new in town and didn't know about the proper safety mechanisms - making it an easy target for thieves.
The heist had been successful until someone saw you sneaking out, alerting the Stadwatch. The rest of the Crows had succeeded in the original escape plan, but you and Kaz had to use plan C - climb to rooftops and escape that way.
But there was one thing that Kaz hadn't thought - rain had made the roof slippery. And seeing you trip and fall made Kaz think fast, lunging forward and grabbing a hold of your hand. Your terrified expression turned into a relieved one soon, but then another thing crossed as a problem - Stadwatch had seen you climbing and there wasn't a quick way to get you up without Kaz likely falling too.
You heard the shouts of Stadwatch and knew they were near. You also knew that they could potentially shoot Kaz on sight. You glanced down quickly, seeking for any sign of a safe landing spot, but there was none. Your grip on Kaz's hand was already slipping, you were running out of time in any case. Not to mention how Kaz was on the verge of a panic attack, feeling the fingertips of your hand grip his bare wrist. If his strength wouldn't give up, his nearing panic attack would do it for him - or then Stadwatch, which was already getting on the roof, you could hear their shouts and see their torches against the night sky. They would reach you soon.
So you made a decision, smiling softly and reassuringly at Kaz. "Let go."
Kaz looked at you like you were crazy. "No. I can't. I can't... I can't lose you too."
It pained you to see Kaz in so vulnerable state, so fragile. You saw the boy who he really was, under Dirtyhands. Tears welled up in your eyes, your heart fighting with itself. You loved him and didn't want him to suffer any more than he had, but you also loved him too much to let him get caught. It was either both of you or one of you, and you couldn't let him die because he had to hold onto your hand, making himself an easy target for Stadwatch.
"It's okay," you choked out. "It's going to be all right."
"No, don't. Please. I... I'll think of something-"
"I love you." you told him before you kicked the wall, forcing Kaz to let go and let yourself fall, to let death take you in his arms, hoping it would be over quickly.
He screamed after you, but you didn't hear him anymore. Kaz stared after you for a moment in shock, seeing a faint silhouette of your body hitting the ground, before his brains took control, he got up and escaped the scene. His mind laughed and mocked him when he finally got away from the Stadwatch and he was walking towards the Slat, desperately burying his feelings under everything. He had to harden himself again, he couldn't break.
"Kaz! We thought that Stadwatch caught you," Inej's voice pierced his thoughts and he glared at her. Inej looked around, frowning. "Where's...?"
Kaz didn't answer, and Jesper appeared, spinning his revolver. "Right. Where do you think they took them? Hellgate? When will we rescue them?"
Kaz still didn't answer, just staring at the floor. Inej caught up sooner than Jesper did, her eyes starting to glisten.
"No. Kaz."
Kaz finally got himself together, and lifted his gaze from the floor with a deep inhale. His voice wavered slightly, and for Dirtyhands that was equal to sobs. "Their body is near the gun shop. At the corner of ninth road from the harbor. Retrieve them. I will bury them later."
Jesper's eyes widened, finally catching up. His voice wavered a lot more than Kaz's had when he finally got words out, "Kaz, are you sure they-"
But Kaz turned away from them, hurrying upstairs. He felt a panic attack approaching, the kind he wouldn't be able to keep under control. He had to be alone for that, he couldn't break in front of his Crows.
The moment he made it to the office and hastily locked the door, he pulled a dresser down which was resting against the wall with a yell. A pot of flowers you had picked just a few days earlier shattered on the floor, sending glimmering shards everywhere. Kaz collapsed on all fours on the floor, breathing heavily as the memory of you falling to your death started to play in his head - over and over again. He crawled to sit against the wall, holding his ears to silence your voice.
"Let go."
It echoed in his head over and over again. Your last smile.
"I love you."
After a moment of sitting there, Kaz forced himself to stand up, to grab his cane and make his way to the desk. The first thing he saw was the blueprints and plans for the heist that killed you, and the moment he saw them, he wiped everything on the table to the floor. A coffee mug shattered when it hit the floor and Dirtyhands laughed in his head.
This is exactly why you promised to never care about anyone again. It will only slow you down and slap you on your fingers. Wasn't Jordie enough?
Kaz stared at the now empty desk, and then his gaze wandered to your shared bedroom. Your bed, sloppily made as you had slept in, the book you had been reading for the past few days resting on your nightstand with a glass of water.
He heard your voice echoing in his head again, excitedly telling him about the book from last night and how magnificent the plot was, Kaz listening to your rambling. He would do anything to hear it again. But now Kaz felt like he wanted to burn it all. Burn every memory of you, so it wouldn't hurt so much.
Jordie had taught him not to care about anyone because love is needless in the Barrel and brings nothing but harm. But still, he had to be slapped again to be reminded about it.
Kaz turned away from the bedroom, deciding that he’d deal with it later. Instead, he made his way back to the desk, sat down and took another, fresh parchment of paper from the drawer to start planning his next heist into. Work, he told himself. Work hard and you’ll forget about them. Bury your feelings.
He could do it. He had done it with Jordie. He could do it with you too.
You didn’t love Jordie the same way you loved them, a voice whispered into his ear. It’ll be much harder to forget about them. You don’t even have anyone who you can blame about them dying, with Jordie you had Pekka.
It was true. You had slipped on a wet and slightly icy roof while in a hurry, he had only rain and frost to blame. And Stadwatch, but they hadn’t killed you.
A knock on his door snapped him out of his thoughts, and he sighed. Your body was probably downstairs. Kaz forced himself to stand up again, slowly making his way to the door. Inej stood there, looking more breathless than Kaz had ever seen her. A bloody handprint was on her left shoulder and she was holding a scarf. Your scarf. That Kaz had given you. Kaz clenched his jaw, mentally preparing himself as he tried to exit the room, but Inej stepped in front of him again, causing Kaz to glare at her. Inej should know by now that he didn’t need nor want pity.
“Kaz-”
“Get out of my way, Wraith,” Kaz snapped at her, pushing her aside with his cane before he started descending the stairs.
“They're not dead,” Inej called after him, and Kaz immediately froze. A memory of you falling flashed by again.
“That’s impossible,” he growled after a moment. “I saw them fall. I saw them hitting the ground. They can’t be fine after that.”
Inej took in a sigh. “They are alive, but not in a good shape. Their heart stopped when we got them back here, but Nina was able to revive them.”
Kaz was silent for a moment. He should have checked. He had been too sure. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to calm his wildly pounding heart. “Are they awake?”
Inej was silent for a few seconds. “No.”
“When will they wake up?”
Inej was silent again, this time she didn’t answer. Kaz opened his eyes and turned to face her, leaning on his cane and taking in a deep sigh.
“Inej.”
“Kaz-”
“I asked you a question.”
Inej stared at him, her eyes starting glistening again. Then she swallowed and muttered, “Nina isn’t sure if they will. The hit was pretty hard.”
Waters rose again.
“Where are they?” Kaz’s voice had turned visibly strained. He had to see you. Now.
“In their room. Nina’s there with them, making sure they breathe,” Inej replied, and Kaz started to make his way to your room immediately. He barged in, making Nina flinch as she turned around to look at her boss. Kaz made his way beside your bed, staring at you, tucked under many blankets, your breathing so slow that it was barely noticeable. He swallowed, almost seeing your skin rotting and bloated, just like Jordie’s.
“I’m… I did everything I could,” Nina sniffled. “The rest is up to them. Saints-”
“Out.” Kaz growled, and Nina jumped up, hurrying out of the room, knowing she had to give you two space. Kaz knew she’d stay near in case she was needed, but right now Kaz wanted to be alone with you. He leaned on his cane, just staring at your body for a while, before he took a chair and sat on it. He looked at your hands, folded on your stomach, then at your face. You looked like you were only sleeping, and that if Kaz jabbed you gently with his cane, you’d stir awake, like you always did. Give him your beautiful smile and get up from the bed, ready for the new day. But this time, you weren’t just sleeping. You wouldn’t wake up from that jab.
He sat back on the chair, deciding to stay by your side, until the very end if necessary.
And he did. For the next month, he sat by your bed, too stubborn to go to sleep in his own bed, too stubborn to even work. He wanted to be there, to be the one who heard your last take of breath. Nina came by once in two hours at daytime, knowing the trick how to get you drink and eat without you actually being awake, and she also treated your sanitary issues.
But everyone knew it - they couldn’t keep that on forever. But when Nina first proposed letting you go, Kaz immediately blew up. He couldn’t let you go. He was so sure that you’d wake up one day… or had been sure. He didn’t know anymore.
That night, Dirtyhands shed his first tear in years, watching your form. Everyone knew it - you wouldn’t wake up. The hit in your head had been too much, and so Kaz’s greatest love would be ripped away from him. Another reason why Dirtyhands would rise up, how he’d become even more ruthless. Just yesterday, I was able to hold their hand for more than just five seconds for the first time, he thought. He had been practicing with you, and had made so much process. And now, it all had gone to waste. He could only hold your hand while you would be passing and hope that some part of you would feel it.
So he fell to sleep on the chair, holding your hand in his.
---
“Kaz?” a voice pierced Kaz’s dreamless sleep, and he grunted. “Kaz.”
It was your voice. It was really quiet and raspy, but it was your voice. His gaze shot up, seeing you lying on the bed, eyes half open, a tired smile on your face. Kaz blinked a few times, trying to decipher if it was real or just a dream, before he cupped your face with his gloved hand without even thinking it further. You flinched slightly at the contact, not expecting Kaz touching you. To Kaz, you flinching made it real. You frowned at Kaz’s expression, which must have been very strange for Dirtyhands. Your skin burned his own through his glove, but he couldn't let go. Last time he let go, you almost died. You had beaten all the odds, but likely wouldn't be able to do it again.
“Kaz… what happened?” you mumbled after a moment, raising your hand to touch your head and Kaz retreated his hand, grasping your hand instead. He shook his head at your question, indicating he’d tell you later. Right now, he wanted to just sit there and hold your hand, relish the fact that you had survived. Maybe it was because of Nina, maybe it was because of Inej praying to the Saints. Or maybe it was Kaz, him sitting by your bed every single day and ignoring everything else, just begging you to wake up. You were the only one who brought light into his dark life, and without you, he would be plummeted down without hope of getting up.
You had seen him when he was the most vulnerable, and even though he wanted to be mad at you for almost killing yourself, he couldn’t be. He didn’t even know he could be this happy, that he could love someone so much that this moment could feel like his smile could never be wiped off again. You frowned even more, Kaz must have been grinning like an idiot.
“Are you alright?” you asked, and Kaz brought your hand to his lips, just holding it close, not actually kissing it but you felt his warm breath against your knuckles before he lowered it down again.
“I am now.”