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Kaz remembered seeing you for the first time, a girl pushed against the wall by some guy, you being visibly uncomfortable with the situation. Usually, Kaz would have just walked past, knowing that the rules in the Barrel weren’t kind for the weak and if the Barrel wouldn’t kill you, you’d have to adapt to them and become someone people would show respect for.
But something in you reminded him of the little boy who needed help with his brother which nobody bothered giving - and maybe that was the reason he stopped by the alleyway and made his way to the scene. The guy’s eyes snapped to Kaz and retreated from the girl as soon as he heard a cane clicking against the cobblestones. Good. The guy knew what was up if Dirtyhands bothered to drop by such a scene.
“Mr. Brekker! I’m sorry, I didn’t know she’s your friend!” said the man, looking at Kaz like a deer caught in headlights when it saw its predator approaching. He was probably drunk off whatever cheap wine they sold here; even so, there were no excuses for trying to grope a woman without her consent.
Kaz just continued glaring at the guy, and he took the hint, backing away quickly before making himself scarce on the other side of the street.
You looked spooked but at the same time, you looked surprised. Kaz Brekker saving women wasn’t really something that happened around - in fact, you had probably heard that while Kaz treated everyone in his gang equally without looking at the gender, he wouldn’t intervene when he saw women being mistreated either. That he was extremely cold and didn’t give a kind thought to anyone who he couldn’t use to profit from.
Kaz pursed his lips, looking at you standing in front of him. You were trembling slightly, clearly still scared out of your mind because of how close that guy got to doing something unspeakable to you. And then you finally got your voice together. “Thank… thank you,” you whispered, holding your hands together. Your voice had cracked, your shock still evident.
Inej had appeared beside him, looking over at you and immediately recognizing the expression on your face. She glanced at Kaz who only nodded at her, and then she offered you her hand, leading you away from the alleyway. You’d be recovering at the Slat for at least tonight, Inej promised to you as you walked, and you had sighed gratefully. It wasn’t every day to be saved by Dirtyhands and even getting to spend a night in his gang’s hideout.
After that, he had started treating you differently from everyone else. Maybe it was unintentional, but every time someone tried to flirt with you, he gave them an icy stare until they backed down. Even though he never directly spoke to you about it, he always seemed to make sure that you were okay after one of those encounters. As if he wanted to protect you from further harassment or possible abuse.
He had offered you a place to stay at the Slat, which you had gratefully accepted. He didn’t even know what exactly had come over him - Inej telling him you need a safe place to stay might have affected it, but he kind of saw himself in you, back when he was still Rietveld. Scared and alone, with nowhere left to go except the streets where people would try to take advantage of your innocence and naivety. As weeks, months went on, he realised he didn’t want anything bad happening to you. That he had grown to care about you.
But despite it, despite Nina saying teasing remarks at him whenever she heard his heart while looking at you, he tried to forbid himself from feeling anything for you. You were just someone who was staying at the Slat.
Who wasn’t a Dreg.
Who Kaz didn’t want anything from in return.
Who he was protective of.
Someone Kaz treated gentler than anyone else and hadn’t even snapped at you when he had a bad day.
But still, you were just an exception within the Dregs. A temporary guest. Someone he could trust not to turn into a liability.
It took several months, but eventually all the Crows were tired of seeing Kaz pining after you while not doing anything about it. They told him straight-up that he should act on it already or leave you behind. But Kaz kept insisting that he didn’t feel any romantic feelings towards you, that he did it just because Inej had told him that you need a place to stay, and Kaz had agreed only because he didn’t feel like arguing about it with her. Inej huffed at that, telling him that she had told him that you need a temporary place to stay, but Kaz had instead offered a home for you.
“Please, for the love of all Saints, act on it,” Jesper urged him, grabbing Wylan’s hand and holding it up slightly. “We all want to see how Dirtyhands is if he’s in a relationship with someone special.”
Kaz rolled his eyes. “I’m not in love with her. Love is for the weak. And besides, a girl like her is most likely just scared of people like me.”
Nina laughed. “Just ask her. She has feelings for you too, but she’s just afraid of you rejecting her and kicking her out. All of Ketterdam knows how much the infamous Dirtyhands despises affection and showing his human side. She has seen your human side, but she knows you don’t want to show it.”
Kaz tightened his grip on his cane. “Even if I had… feelings for her, we’d be too different.”
“Different?” Nina let out a laugh again and gestured at Matthias, who had been silent this whole time. “Look at us. Big bad brute Fjerdan and the witch who he should have killed. But we fell in love too.”
“Don’t annoy the demjin,” Matthias grunted.
“Listen to the Fjerdan,” Kaz said dryly.
Nina snorted, but fell silent for once, probably deciding Kaz wouldn’t listen to her right now. The rest of the Crows were quiet too, Jesper and Inej letting out a disappointed sigh.
But soon, Nina’s smirk returned as she heard Kaz’s heartbeat picking up, and she glanced at the direction where Kaz was looking to.
You stood there at the top of the stairs, looking like you had just woke up. Your hair was messy and you yawned and stretched, before starting to descend the stairs. For a moment, Kaz felt an urge to smile at the thought of seeing you like that as the first thing at the morning as you’d exit your shared bedroom, but forced the thought and the smile to stay away.
Why couldn’t he stop thinking about you? It couldn’t be love - he had killed his will and ability to love a long time ago. Was it some sort of attachment? No, he couldn’t have that either. His heart was black and as hard as stone, and should stay that way.
Still, his gaze followed you downstairs, and when you finally reached the bottom step, you spotted Kaz and your face immediately lit up. You slowly made your way to the to the table, muttering a “good morning” before taking a seat across from him.
Jesper grinned widely upon seeing your shy look on Kaz, and Kaz looked around at everyone, wordlessly telling them that they shouldn’t make fun of him later.
Matthias cleared his throat as the quietness had gone by for a short bit, and then asked, “So, how have you settled in here?”
You offered him a small smile, your eyes quickly glancing at Kaz’s hands gripping his cane. You probably hoped nobody saw it, but everyone knew about your feelings for Kaz too. “Good. I get food, a bed, and even friends. What more can a girl ask for?”
“A boyfriend?” Jesper suggested, and Kaz let out a grunt as his cocky friend continued to grin at you.
You felt your face heating up and you shook your head quickly. “No, I’m not interested in getting a boyfriend right now. At least not at this time.”
The corner of Jesper’s mouth curled up into a half-smile. “You sure about that, huh?”
Kaz laid a death glare at Jesper, but Jesper ignored him. But despite the occasional teasing during breakfast, it was fun and you laughed at other’s jokes. Kaz barely heard what you were talking about, his thoughts wandering along these last months you had lived with them at the Slat. His heart beating faster when you first smiled at him. How he was protecting you all the time, making drunk customers stay away from you. Some people even gossiped you actually were his girlfriend, but he had denied it if someone dared to ask him or assume so.
He hadn’t told anyone, but you had become a part of his life since you arrived. He cared for you, wanted to protect you. More than he cared about his Crows. It scared him to the bone, the thought of caring about someone, loving someone brought Jordie to his mind all over again. In Ketterdam, loving someone could - and would - be used as an advantage. If he ever allowed himself to fall in love with you, skillful people could tell his feelings from you from just the look in his eyes. He wouldn’t want to lock you away either - but would love eventually win him over?
Kaz barely had even noticed that he had finished his coffee, just staring at the empty cup now and everyone else had left the table, except for you and him. You took your cardigan from the backrest, and Kaz stood up abruptly, wincing slightly as his bad leg protested. You looked at him, and for a moment, Kaz regretted showing he wants to talk to you. But somehow, his mouth formed words without him properly registering them.
“I’d need your help at the office. Could you follow me?” he asked, and almost felt Nina’s grin on his back.
Kaz Brekker never asked. He ordered.
But you nodded, following him upstairs and turning to him as he locked his door.
“What do you mean, ‘need my help’?”
His expression became serious. “It’s… complicated,” he mumbled under his breath. “I need to know something.”
You stared at him silently for a few seconds, his tone didn’t really sound like him. But then you nodded. “Okay, what do you need?”
He sighed deeply, and made his way to his desk. You sat down across from him, and he tapped a pen against the wood, waiting until he regained control over his voice. When he spoke again, his tone sounded steadier. “I need to know why have you stayed here for months. Why haven’t you left?”
Your heart sank and your shoulders slumped. “Do you want me to leave?”
Kaz seemed to realise it himself how it sounded and he shook his head. “No, that’s not what I meant.”
You frowned. “Then, what did you mean?”
Kaz opened his mouth, then closed it and opened it again. “You aren’t a criminal. And yet, you’re willing to live with criminals. You aren’t afraid. You’ve seen me beating a man until he begs for death. You have seen how scared people are of me.”
You shrugged. “It’s Ketterdam. And you’re a crime boss, a notorious one on top of it. You have a reputation to uphold. But you have never given me a reason to be scared. You have never threatened me. You… you saved me from that man at that alleyway. I guess I… uh, feel safe with you?”
Kaz frowned upon hearing that, he hadn’t gotten used to people saying they feel safe with him. People were afraid of him, even his Crows were sometimes slightly afraid of him even though they didn’t say it. He had saved you - but after that, you had mostly seen the dark side of him. The violent side. You had been witness to things you shouldn’t see. Things which should scare any normal person to their bones. You had seen the bloodlust in his eyes when he had just killed a gang member who had tried to sell them out. He had came out of the room covered in blood, a snarl on his lips as he told some buffer gang members to go dump the body to the Barge. You had looked spooked for a moment, but that evening, you hadn’t treated him any different than you usually did. You had even called the gang member an idiot for crossing him, and that he got what he knew he’d get when he’d get caught.
“And you don’t care about what I do?” Kaz asked quietly.
You shook your head slowly. “Not at all. As I said, it’s Ketterdam, she’s merciless if you give mercy for people who don’t deserve it. You usually can’t trust anybody.”
Kaz leaned forward, nodding. “Nobody.”
You were quiet for a moment, opening your mouth for a few seconds before mumbling, “But I still trust you.”
He frowned. “Why?”
You looked up at him. “Because I think you’re worth trusting.”
He was silent for a long while, deep in his thoughts as he leaned into his clasped hands, looking at the desk. Then he looked up at you, and that was the first time you saw it - the slight softness deep in his eyes. It made your heart skip a beat.
Then he muttered, so quietly you barely heard him, “I trust you too.”