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**
“Brother… there you are,” Samuel smiled warmly as he peeked around the study door.
Alexander looked up from the column of figures. They had only returned a week prior from London and he was almost, finally, finished with transcribing the notes that he had been left into the actual ledgers themselves. It was a dispassionate task and one that pained his mind as much as it did his left hand.
“I am. How was your trip into town with Susan?” Alexander replied, looking up from the ledger book he had been working on.
“Illuminating, to say the least,” he replied with the neutral, schooled expression his occupation taught him to allow.
“Oh?” the only inquiry needed.
“Ah… there was the spark of interest I wanted to see… the jig is up! Samuel thought.”
“Yes… She and a friend of hers… of yours… Susan has invited her out here for tea. She should be here soon actually,” Samuel continued, although he did find the need to bite the inside of his cheek to stop the conspiratorial grin from creeping into his expression.
“Samuel, I do not have any frie-…” Alexander began to speak with a puzzled tick of constellation before the penny finally dropped. His head now moved in an almost violent shake, staring out the window.
“No…”
“Xander…”
“No. Simply… oh what have you done… I cannot see her…” he whined like a petulant child.
“If you wish to be a terrible host then fine, hide out in your study. I hear it was one of your favourite pastimes when Miss Heywood was in your employ,” he replied with a haughty gruff.
“Samuel… you’re supposed to be on my side,” Alexander pleaded desperately.
“Brother, I am on the side of the idea of love, of life. What you are living is not a life. It is an existence and I fear you will not last if you do not do anything to change it. So, tea? Will you be joining us?” he added pointedly, it was time to put some pressure on his sibling.
“Do I have a choice?” Alexander gave a resigned sigh as he stood from behind his desk.
Samuel gave him an encouraging smile. “You always have a choice, Xander. Whether you make the correct one is yet to be proven, however.”
“One would think so, but in this instance, I believe the choice has been wrenched from my grasp. Very well… I should go upstairs and change,” Alexander huffed, stepping out now from the desk and heading for the door.
“You want to look your best,” Samuel chimed with an affable grin.
“Do not start Samuel,” warned Alexander, in as best parental tone he could muster. He might be allowing his younger sibling to direct his actions; however, he was not going to make it a pleasant experience for him.
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Samuel smirked quietly at his brother’s retreating form.
*
Samuel decided on the element of surprise for his brother and dutifully loitered around the front door to catch Miss Heywood before she rang the bell on arrival. She smiled nervously at him as she crossed the threshold back into the house she knew so well. Laying her hat and gloves on the table she gave a minute inward gasp when she noticed the familiar portrait that seemed to be all-seeing, all-knowing, was no longer there.
“It was about time the portrait was retired to Leonora’s part of the house,” Samuel offered plainly, his legal eye not missing her glance.
Charlotte realised she should not be surprised by his comment, and she did not respond directly to it.
“Somethings change, however others…”
“…still feel the same?” Samuel smiled this time and swept his arm out. “Well, come. Everyone should be in the Drawing room.”
“I do agree, however…” Susan was speaking to Alexander but stopped and looked up with her brightest, bubbly smile. “Charlotte… so lovely you can join us. Come and sit. Tea has just arrived, and I am playing Mother!” she added with a chuckle.
Alexander had been sitting opposite Susan, with his back to the door. It gave him the opportunity to take a slow deep breath and exhale before he stood and turned.
“Miss Heywood… it is lovely to see you again. You enjoyed Miss Lambe’s birthday celebrations I take it?”
“Thank you, Mr. Colbourne, yes. I appreciate the invitation this afternoon. I have been looking forward to seeing the girls again. The ball was hardly enough time for a proper discussion with Augusta,” Charlotte replied as she approached, trying so hard not to be affected by his gaze.
“Of course,” he nodded, trying not to feel crestfallen that she in no way intermated that it might be his company she would enjoy as well. But of course, why would she... He remained standing until she had taken a seat by Susan’s side.
“I’ll just go see where the young ladies are then, shall I?” Offered Samuel. “They were hovering around the front door waiting for you earlier.”
“I am not accustomed to using the front door here at Heyrick Park. More the servant’s entrance.” She mused.
Alexander hung his head at the reminder. It cut. His internal anger began to bubble… too many examples of “if only” running through his mind.
“We could hardly have a lovely guest arrive as such. You are no longer in my brother's employ. Now, to find those girls…I am not sure where they have absconded,” Samuel offered before disappearing back out of the room.
“So, tell me Charlotte… how long are you planning to stay in Sanditon?” Susan quizzed as she poured the tea.
“A few more days perhaps… I… we need to get back home. So much to do,” she added, trying to smile.
“Yes, weddings can take so much planning. I do hope you will grace me with an invitation. I could not imagine missing out,” Susan continued to happily bubble.
“Of course Susan. It will be quite simple, however. I… I certainly do not wish there to be a fuss. I feel you may be quite disappointed,” Charlotte added, wishing she could think of something to steer the conversation in a different direction.
“Oh pish! How on earth would I be disappointed in seeing you so happy on your wedding day? It will be a joy,” she added, noting that Alexander was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with every word.
“Miss Heywood! Miss Heywood!” cried Leo, bounding into the room with her usual exuberance.
Charlotte quickly sat her cup and saucer down on the table. “Leo… oh it is lovely to see you again. My, I am sure you have grown!”
“I have! Father needed to buy me new dresses and new shoes when we were in London,” she imparted cheerfully.
“That must have been a wonderful adventure for you, going to London. You look very pretty,” she added.
“Well, I did have my new britches on earlier but had to change into my dress if I were to be allowed to join you for tea. I am sorry I missed your arrival. I had been waiting, I promise,” the child offered sincerely.
“No need to apologise, I am here now.”
“Charlotte… Miss Heywood and I were just discussing her wedding,” explained Susan to Leo.
“Wedding? Are you getting married? Really? Why?” came the chorus of questions from Leo.
The inquiries were too much for Alexander. He doubted his ability to listen to her talk of her upcoming marriage.
“Ah, Ladies… if you will excuse me, I remember an important… ah correspondence I meant to attend to earlier today. I will… Miss Heywood, lovely to see you again,” and with that, he rose, bowed, and retreated before anyone had a chance to respond.
Augusta and Susan gave each other a knowing glance.
“Brother?” Samuel questioned as they almost crashed into each other in the doorway.
Alexander closed his eyes and hardly managed to whisper, “I just…”
Samuel followed him a few steps into the hallway.
“What is it, Xander… you are pale… are you not well?
“I can’t do this Samuel, please have some mercy…” and he left him standing as he retreated down the hallway to his study. The door loudly closed once he had entered.
“I err…” Samuel began, re-entering the room and noticing only one startled adult face.
“Apparently some urgent correspondence?” Susan offered with a knowing raised eyebrow. “Come sit with us, Samuel. We were just discussing Charlotte’s upcoming nuptials.”
Ahh… well then,” he replied, completely understanding his brother’s capitulation, before adding his composed-as-a-solicitor-should-be face. “Has a date been set as yet, Miss Heywood?”
“No, not as yet,” she replied evenly, taking a sip of her tea.
“I shall sit back and take notes perhaps? As a bachelor I do not know much of the subject,” he laughed.
“You must tell me about your time in London?” Charlotte questioned Leo and Augusta, wanting desperately to change the subject.
Augusta smiled. “Oh, yes, we had a most interesting time…”
*
Well you managed to last at least five minutes, I suppose that is better than nothing,” Samuel offered sardonically from the doorway.
Alexander rose from his desk. “Has she left?”
“Susan and the girls are just seeing her off now,” he replied. “Xander, you know you should…”
“Samuel… she is to be married…”
Alexander caught a glimpse of her leaving out the study window as he spoke.
“She is not married yet…” his brother commented pointedly.
“And how exactly does that help me?” Alexander replied, turning to his brother, trying to forget how many times he had watched her leave, wishing she would stay.
Stay forever.
“For a smart man, I must say you can be quite imbecilic. Tell her how you truly feel about her. Do not let her marry someone else without the choice.”
“Choice? She has made her choice,” Alexander replied painfully.
“Xander… you can really be quite excruciating. So... when we were children… if Mrs. Wheatley put a slice of pound cake in front of you, would you eat it?”
“What are you…”
“Just answer me…”
“Well, yes… I like pound cake,” Alexander shrugged.
“Yes, good. What if she put pound cake and her fruit tarts in front of you…”
“Well, the fruit tarts, of course… you know they are my… oh…”
“Yes… I believe you now see my point. Of course, you will choose pound cake if there is no other option… but given the choice…”
“Samuel, she is engaged… what good would it do if I…”
“Give her the choice brother… for once in your life stop trying to control everything and everyone around you… let her choose. If she chooses the pound cake, then so be it… but let her at least know there is an option.”
*
Charlotte trod her well-worn path from Heyrick Park back to Sanditon. She mused it was most likely the last time she would ever take this journey and she tried to enjoy the windswept walk.
She did not see him approach, very much like one other time when he and Hannibal almost magically appeared in front of her when she thought it would be her only walk back from the estate.
He dismounted his stead, dropping the reins as he walked purposely towards her. His state of dress she noted, was ever so relaxed, in complete conflict with his face.
“Miss Heywood.”
“Mr. Colbourne? I… do not believe I left anything behind? Is there a problem?”
“Yes… I…”
Yes… you left me behind, he thought.
She finally recognised his expression. That day under the trees before Mrs. Wheatley interrupted them when Leo had disappeared to the camp. She tried to keep her breathing under control.
“Well…?” it came out more like a plea than a question.
Alexander had not given himself time to think about what he wanted to say. He had focussed on getting out of the house and to Hannibal to go after her, rather than what he would say if he managed to catch up with her before she reached the town.
“I… I believe this is near the spot where I stopped you once before… to offer you employment,” he began, glancing around them at the memory.
Charlotte looked around as well as she held her hat to her head. The wind had nearly blown that hat away as well. “Indeed it is.”
“I do not know what thoughts possessed me. You were forward and presumptuous and had such an air of superiority… I was quite taken aback,” he continued with the memory.
“Mr. Colbourne… I am no longer in your employ as you very well know. I think attempting to admonish me at this point is moot,” she replied, a little more abruptly than she would have liked.
Alexander took a breath; he would not back down this time, not walk away… not if it were to be the last time.
“Please, I do not wish to admonish you. I wanted to praise you… to… to thank you. Dear Lord, I hate to think what would have become of the girls had you not come to us. What I would have done if you had not come to me… woken up my tired, aching heart and taught me…”
“Mr. Colbourne…”
“You said you were there to teach the girls and not me… but Charlotte, how much you taught me…”
“Please, don’t…” she was pleading now. With his use of her name, her resolve had completely crumbled. She had tried so hard since returning to Sanditon to keep the walls around her and now they were lying in ruins with every word he spoke.
Alexander had somehow managed to find his voice and it was as if ten years’ worth of repressed words were flowing freely, finally released from the confine of his mind.
“I know… I wished I had managed to tell you everything I had so wanted, that dark day I graced the doors of Trafalgar House. You see, I never went with the intention of offering you your position as Governess, I expressed myself poorly as I so oft do… I wanted to ask you to be my wife. A far greater role and one I would have cherished for you. But I hurt you deeply with my words and the thought of causing you more pain… Charlotte… I am truly, terribly sorry for everything that day… I will regret it for the rest of my life.”
“Mr. Colbourne… I am…”
“Engaged, to another man? Yes, I realise that.”
“Yes…”
“But I need to tell you… before you… I need you to know… to know how deeply I love you. I fought my feelings for so long, but you are right… I cannot hide them away… if you are never to return, I at least wanted you to know that if you were not already engaged, I would be on my knees, right at this very moment, asking… begging your forgiveness and for your hand.”
“Ohhh… Alexander… why… why now… I…”
His use of her name, now countered, and he hoped it was a positive step. He decided he needed to be continually bold.
To risk it all.
“Because if I had kept silent then I have lost you forever. And if I am to lose you forever, I at least wanted you to know my feelings for you,” he stated, hardly louder than a whisper.
“And what am I to do with this information… this… this declaration?” she stammered, her tears flowing freely.
He wanted to comfort her. To take her in his arms and kiss away every single tear. He knew that he again was the cause of her tears. But she was engaged to another man, and he knew he – could not.
“As I once, less graciously suggested, perhaps you have some thinking to do?” his eyes now glassy from his own unshed tears, threatening to escape. “I can only hope you make the same choice again as you did previously. If I thought, we… I… would be bereft to lose you then… my feelings are only magnified, infinitely, to what that possibility could mean now.”
She nodded her head silently as she wiped the back of her gloved hands across her cheeks.
The overwhelming want to reach out and hold her nearly consumed him. But he was a gentleman and she deserved to be treated with greater respect than he had managed to show her previously. He stepped back and bowed, the motion causing his tears to finally fall.
He retreated to Hannibal and jumped swiftly back to the saddle. A gentle smile danced across his lips, despite the pain in his heart.
“Until tomorrow then?” he asked.
Charlotte sucked in a deep breath and closed her eyes. At that very moment, she knew exactly what she needed to do.
“Are you not coming to the festivities tonight and the firework display?” she questioned.
“I had not… that is…”
“Perhaps not tomorrow then, rather this evening?”
He merely nodded, too afraid to use words, knowing they would betray him, before his heels tapped on Hannibal and they galloped back off up the hillside.
*
“Charlotte? I went looking for you earlier. Georgiana said you wanted to have a word?” Ralph began with a smile as they met as he was leaving Trafalgar House.
Charlotte glanced around, noting that they were alone, but at least in a public street so as not to be compromised if anyone came upon them. She knew Georgiana would still be inside and she wondered if she was even watching over the scene. Swift, she decided would hopefully inflict less pain.
“Ralph… please know that I have always considered you a dear friend…” she began.
He chuckled, “We are to be married, Charlotte. One would hope your feelings for me are more ardent than towards a dear friend…”
"Ralph..."
He had known her for so long, he was not obtuse with her expressions. The look in her eyes clearly told him they were not. He had hoped he had been wrong when he had witnessed her talking to Alexander Colbourne, but he knew now, he was not. His smile faltered and he glanced down at his boots before he spoke.
“Well… I assume you wish to break our engagement? Has he made you a promise?” Ralph questioned, debating whether he was ready to give up without a fight.
“You can’t help who you fall in love with,” she offered, ignoring his direct question but hoping he understood.
“Well, yes… that is true. It was for me. I do not need to guess who it is that you speak of, however. I am not blind. I could see that he is in love with you. But I wasn't sure you..."
"I am sure too..." was all she offered, quietly.
"I am not a vengeful man… you know that very well, Charlotte. I will not stand in the way when it is another who has your heart. I do not think I will attend the activities at the beach this evening with you if you do not mind. I will retire to my room at the Inn and head back to Willingden in the morning.”
“I am so deeply sorry Ralph. You have been such a good…”
“Please Charlotte… don't say it, let us speak no more of this. I wish you well.”
“Thank you, Ralph. I must go… I am already late, and everyone will be wondering where I am.”
He gave her a tight smile and watched her go.
*
Charlotte? Is everything alright? Where is Mr. Starling?” Mary questioned as Charlotte made her way to the beach where everyone was gathering.
“He is… that is to say… he will not be joining us tonight. We…”
“Charlotte, dear… are you well? You look a bit…” Mary began.
“I am perfectly well,” Charlotte interrupted with a smile. Feeling as if a huge burden had finally been lifted from her. “Ralph and I… we have decided to not continue our engagement. He is returning to Willingden tomorrow morning.”
“Oh, Charlotte… I am sorry,” Mary offered.
“Well, I am not. Thank goodness… please tell me this means you will stay in Sanditon,” Georgiana commented bluntly as she was prone to, before taking Charlotte’s hands. “Please?”
The seriousness of what she had just done, finally hit Charlotte.
“Oh… actually I do think I might sit for a moment,” she said breathlessly and allowed Georgiana and Mary to guide her to a chair.
“Just perhaps a few moments, alone? Please go over to the others. I will join you shortly,” she smiled up to them, as convincingly as possible.
Georgiana squeezed her hand and Mary gave her a motherly smile before they headed over to the large group of people congregating further along the beach.
*
Alexander stumbled through the soft sand as he headed down the beach. Samuel and Susan had headed into town earlier together in her carriage with Augusta and Leo. Alexander decided he preferred his own company for the evening. He felt he was safer alone with his thoughts.
As he reached the firmer sand he saw her, sitting in a group of chairs, alone. He glanced across and could see a gathering of people not far away. Stopping to talk to her would not look out of place.
“Miss Heywood? You are sitting here all alone? Are you unwell? Would you like some company until Mr. Starling returns?” he suddenly felt embarrassed at the way such a mired of questions seemed to burst forth, however she did not look perturbed.
“Ralph… he is back at the Inn. He decided not to accompany me here this evening as he has an early start back to Willingden in the morning,” she supplied, hoping he would understand without her having to directly explain.
“He has?”
“Yes,” she replied with a nod.
“Not you?” He was certain she would be able to hear his heart beating in his chest.
“No… I will not be… I am staying in Sanditon a little longer I believe.”
“And not returning to Willingden with Mr. Starling?” he wanted clear clarification, his mind racing.
“Yes, Mr. Colbourne… that is what I just said,” she added with an air of frustration
“My apologies, Miss Heywood, may I?” he motioned to the seat beside her.
She nodded with a gentle scoff as she spoke, “You have called me Charlotte already today. It seems ridiculous to go back to such formalities as Miss Heywood now.”
“And you have called me Alexander today as well.”
“Ah yes, I guess I have, Alexander…”
They sat in awkward silence, neither knowing exactly which direction to take the conversation. A burst of laughter came from the group around a bonfire.
“Charlotte… are you still engaged?” he needed clear, final clarification before his next words.
She let her hand drop beside her chair – she knew his hand was already there. She gently touched her fingers to his.
“No,” she whispered, looking into his eyes, with a small smile. “To Ralph… I am not.”