Work Text:
"are you ready?"
jimin felt that if he spoke he'd cry so he just nodded at teahyung in response.
"it's okay to show your emotions, you know?"
"tae." namjoon shook his head.
"sorry." he said looking down at his hands, fidgeting with one of the silver bands that sat on his finger.
today would have been jimin and jungkook's ten year anniversary.
"it's okay joon, i know he's just looking out for me." jimin have a weak smile trying to fight back tears. he looked over his letter one last time.
—
dear jungkook,
i can't believe today is our 10 year anniversary! some days i still can't comprehend how we went from being "sworn" enemies in elementary to the best of friends in middle school and then lovers in highschool.
but i actually get it now, i was scared of the way i felt about you then. it was so scary for me because i was always taught i was 'supposed' to like girls. but there i was, head over heels for you. i know we were only in the third grade but i thoroughly understood my feelings for you.
fast forward to the end of the year field trip: 5th grade when the teacher forced us to be field trip buddies. i was so excited and nervous. excited because i knew that meant we would have to sit next to each other on the bus but nervous because i thought you actually hated me. "do you play any instruments?" was the first thing you asked me on the bus and since then we've been attached at the hip.
middle school, on your 13th birthday was when i had finally accepted my feelings for you but since we were best friends (and because i wasn't even sure if you were into guys) i kept it to myself. that night at your birthday party after everyone fell asleep, tae and i stayed up so late just talking and i accidentally let the fact that i liked you slip. i begged him to just keep it between us but i knew he told you when you started to be more touchy feely but i still was afraid of telling you.
9th grade, after we started dating, do you remember the first time i snuck out to see you? i do, i don't remember if i told you this part but i practiced in my room what lie i was gonna say to my mom but when it came down to actually telling her where i was going, i went totally off script and said i was going to your house to do a group project with you and some friends, still don't know why i thought i had to lie to her because it's not like she knew we were dating. she was still under the impression we were best friends. we had so much fun that night, it was the first time i beat you at any arcade games. you were such a sore loser actually you never stopped being a sore loser. my favorite part of the night was when we went to the beach as the sun was setting and we just walked along the shore talking about all the things we were going to do that summer. that night was the first night you promised me we'd be together forever.
sometimes i wonder why we we're so scared to tell our parents about our relationship, maybe it was because of the slight homophobic remarks they'd make every so often, not completely sure.
i reminisce about our high school days a lot but my favorite high school memory of all time is the whole last week of senior year. still kind of jealous that you won prom king and i didn't but you were everyone's dream guy so it made sense as to why the vote was pretty unanimous. confession: i lied to you about my vote, i voted for myself even though we both agreed to vote for each other. we had so much fun dancing with each other all night. the day of your graduation party was one of the happiest days of my life (second to our wedding of course) you we're so nervous the whole party and when i had asked you what was wrong you told me you're just worried about going to college and i believed you because i was too, i thought that going to two different schools would have broken us up but it didn't. i think the slight distance made our relationship so much stronger.
i almost peed on myself when you had stopped everything just to give your speech on how special i was to you and how we were forever and i still remember the look on your parents face when you ended the speech by getting on your knee and asking me to be your husband. i know taehyung made fun of you for buying the ring from a thrift store but we we're poor high school students. i wasn't expecting an expensive ring, in all honesty you could've proposed with a ring from those little vending machine things and i still would have said yes and wore the ring until it inevitably broke as those cheap little vending machine toys always do. i still love my engagement ring to this day and it never comes off, neither does any of my other jewelry you bought.
i wish you could tell me your favorite memory of us.
it's been so long since i last heard your voice and saw your face. it's still so hard for me to believe that you're actually gone. i just wish there was something i could've done to help you or even just have been there for you more.
i wish you would have told me how bad you were struggling. we could've got you help. am i a bad husband for not seeing how much you were struggling? i feel like this is all my fault for not answering you. i wish i wasn't asleep the night you called. why couldn't i have been in seoul, there for you? there's a part of me that believes it could've saved you but then there's the other part of me that thinks that i wouldn't have saved you but only delayed your passing.
i think about your note everyday you know. especially the part where you said you couldn't feel loved by anyone anymore but i still don't understand how, i don't think i ever will because you are loved by millions, millions of people, babe and i am one of them always have been and always will be. it's been over a year and i still think about all the things i could've done to save you. i think about how i could have told you how much you meant to me more often, everyday or even twice a day if it would have prevented you from leaving like this. everyday i wake up i just pray that all of this is just a nightmare but every time i wake up, you're still not there. my other half is gone forever and there's nothing i can do to bring you back.
nothing smells like you anymore. not your hats or the hoodie i took from you the last time i saw you, nothing and it makes me so fucking sad. i miss you more than anything in the world right now.
i feel like this letter is a jumbled mess of many different emotions but i don't really know how else to write it. i don't know why i'm acting as if this letter has to be formal or something but anyway, there's not much room left on either side of this page so i'll just end this with a few 'life updates'
1. i wrote you another song (bam seems to really like it)
2. the group finally finished your solo album (we didn't really listen to much of your drafts after you passed because it was a little too much for us)
3. we're going on a world tour soon
4. i enlisted and will be serving after tour is over
happy 10th anniversary, i love you so much jungkook. i'm so happy i got to be your forever. please continue to watch over us (:
love,
jimin <3
—
jimin neatly folded the note and tucked it into a light purple envelope. he then put it in the inside pocket of his bag and nodded to his friends.
"i'm ready."