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It was a Saturday night and Neil had just gotten back from a rehearsal at Henley Hall. The trees were covered, leaving a thick layer of snow on the branches. It had been snowing all day long, so it was not really surprising. It was even still snowing right now. It was cold outside, but not the kind of cold that was so disturbing you would freeze on the spot. It was an agreeable sort of cold.
Neil was rehearsing his lines again and again in his head on the way to his dorm. When he arrived, he took his key out of his pocket and turned it a few times in the lock until he heard a slight ‘click’. He slowly opened the door and what he saw in front of him left him in shock.
Todd was sitting down on the floor, slightly rocking from back to forth, knees to his chest. His hands were resting on both sides of his head, like he was trying to stop himself from hearing something. He was staring into blank space and his lips were moving a little bit, like he was mumbling something. Neil was starting to get a bit worried, and he couldn’t quite hear what Todd was saying, so he approached him a bit. His boyfriend didn’t really seem to notice he was there. The more he approached, the clearer his words were. “Stop it, Todd.”, are the words he was saying on repeat.
“Todd?” Neil asked, his voice was a bit concerned.
No answer.
“Todd? Are you okay?” he asked again.
There was still no answer. Neil started to get more and more worried. To try to get him to notice him, he gently tapped on his shoulder. Todd removed his hands from his head, looking into Neil’s eyes. Although, he seemed a bit disoriented. The pretty blue eyes that Neil was so used to seeing were looking back down. It seemed like he wanted to say something but it was like some kind of strength coming from inside of him kept him from talking.
“Hey, Todd, look at me in the eyes.”
“I…” he timidly answered.
Neil knew Todd well and he knew his boyfriend could get quite overwhelmed, it wasn’t rare that those kinds of things happened at night. So, he let him take his time to answer.
“I’m…”
“Did something happen?” Neil asked softly.
“I’m… No… I-I don’t really know…”
“It’s alright Todd, take your time. Do you know why you’re feeling overwhelmed?”
“N-no I… It just kind of… happened… I didn’t a-ask for it to happen.”
“I know, but right now, I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere. Everything is going to be okay, alright?”
Neil sat down in front of him and pulled him in a tight embrace. He could feel him trembling like a leaf in the wind. He continued holding him like that for the next few minutes, until he felt like Todd was calmer. For some reason, he always knew when he was feeling better. His body felt as light as a feather and he seemed a lot less tense. It was like he was melting in his arms. Each one of those times ended up with the two of them holding each other
“How are you feeling right now?”
“I’m better than before. Thank you Neil.” Todd said, with a calm voice.
“Do you know what started it? I heard you saying ‘Stop it, Todd’. I just want to know if you can identify the source, I don’t know, maybe it can help.”
“Oh, yeah that. I… I don’t really know exactly. Sometimes I have that wave of anxiousness rushing through my entire being, and I can’t really explain it. It’s not a fun feeling to have at all and I just wanted it to stop.”
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there Todd. Maybe if I were there it could have stopped at an earlier stage and not be on panic mode, you know? I’m really sorry again.”
“It’s okay Neil, don’t worry about me. I can go through this alone, it’s hard, but I can.”
“No.” Neil said.
Todd stared at him for a moment, with confusion.
“You mean yes.”
“I mean no.” Neil answered, raising his eyebrows and a slight smirk.
The two of them looked at each other again, remembering that one moment they had together. When Todd said he could take care of himself just fine and Neil responded with a very decided ‘No’. That’s one of the moments that made Todd fall in love with Neil. They laughed a bit at the thought of that until the brown-haired boy held his hand out to help Todd get up.
“I know something that will cheer you up.” Neil told his boyfriend, still with a smirk on his face.
“What is it?”
“How about… we go ice skating?”
“Wait, Neil, this is a nice idea, but where are we going to get our skates?”
“No stress Todd, I have mine that you can take and I can just ask Charlie to lend me his and I can use them.”
“Do you think he’ll mind?”
“I know Charlie, he won’t mind it. Let’s go now! Come on!”
Todd took his coat before leaving the room and going to Charlie’s dorm. Like Neil thought, Charlie agreed to lend them. Then, the two of them tried not to get noticed while they were going out since it was a bit past their curfew and they didn’t want to get grounded. They could see the lake where they would skate on a bit further away.
“Shall we race?” asked Neil, already in position to start running.
“Okay! But wai-” Todd answered.
He didn’t even have to finish his sentence when Neil started running as fast as he could to the lake.
“Hey!! Neil, hold on! It’s not fair, wait for me!”
He was laughing while running far away and Todd ran after him to try to catch up. He wasn’t the fastest runner, but that didn’t really count at the moment.
“Yippee I won!!”
“Neil, of course you won. For the cheating category I mean.”
They both laughed at that until Todd kicked some snow with his boot and it went on Neil.
“Oh, so you want to start that?”
The taller one of the two started doing the same. They both kicked some snow at each other for a good five minutes.
“Weren’t we supposed to go ice skating?” Neil remembered.
“Oh yeah you’re right! Let’s go then it’s right there.”
They both sat down on a bench to put on their ice skates. The snow was falling again, piling up on the ground.
“Come on, let’s go,” said Neil.
The two students made their way slowly to the lake, trying not to fall. It was pretty weird to walk with ice skates on. Neil went on the ice first, to check if it was solid enough. It was.
“Neil, are you sure it’s solid enough? Are you sure it was a good idea to even come here in the first place? I mean, what if we get caught?”
“Todd, don’t worry! The temperature was far below 0°C these past few days, I doubt it could have melted. Plus, Charlie told me the rowing activities were suspended right now since they can’t go on the lake, because it’s too frozen. So don’t worry about it, I wouldn’t do something that I’m not sure about.” Neil skated around to show Todd that there were no worries to have.
Todd hesitantly stepped onto the ice, and he soon realized that indeed, he didn’t need to worry.
He and his boyfriend were simply skating around at first while telling each other about their days.
“I started writing a poetry book earlier after dinner.” Mentioned Todd.
“Oh really? That’s so great! What poems did you put in there?”
“That’s a surprise, you’ll have to be patient and wait!”
“I don’t want to wait!! I absolutely need to know. Please Todd.”
Little did Neil know, the surprise would be worth his waiting. Todd had started writing a bunch of poems about Neil and their relationship. His birthday was coming up in a couple of months so he would give it to him for the occasion. Todd started writing things in advance so he would have plenty of time for correction and revision. He wanted this book to be perfect, because Neil deserves perfect things.
“Please, please, please! If you tell me, I promise I’ll stop annoying you with that.”
“You’ll see in a few months!”
Neil figured out he had to be patient, so he stopped asking and focused more on skating.
The two of them continued talking about books, classes, acting and everything they loved, holding hands while skating.
It was getting quite late so around 10 PM, they decided to go back to their rooms. Todd definitely felt better than when Neil first stepped in the room after rehearsal. Skating helped him a lot.
At night, Todd and Neil had their daily ritual. They would boil some water to make tea, lemon flavored today, and they would sit on either one of their beds. Nearly every day, when they didn’t have a study group, they would read to each other until one fell asleep. Today, it was Todd’s turn to read. Yesterday, Neil started reading The Secret History, by Donna Tartt, so he continued the book.
After thirty minutes, Todd felt something falling on his shoulder. It was Neil’s head and he seemed to be sleeping. The blonde boy called Neil’s name a few times, but he didn’t answer. He was already fast asleep. Todd hesitantly gave Neil a kiss on top of his head, then finished drinking his tea. It was getting late, and he started feeling quite sleepy too, and quickly, his head rested on top of Neil’s.