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“It was her big day, Larry!”
“Was it?”
“Yes.”
“Sorry, Ahkmenrah. I thought it was her big day last episode.”
“It was. But today was her bigger grander day.”
“Right.”
Larry was in the process of tidying up Ahkmenrah’s exhibit before the sun came up. The Pharaoh in question was perched on top of his sarcophagus, his legs crossed and his hands clasped on his thigh. He was the epitome of a graceful royal.
“Kim was dressed to impress. And Kylie,” Ahkmenrah pursed his lip. His eyebrows raised in annoyance, as if even saying Kylie’s name made his royal-blood boil.
He gritted his teeth. “That wicked woman spoke such vile words.”
Larry opened up one of the glass display cases. “What’d she say?”
“She said that Kim’s dress was too ‘garish’. Hah!” Ahkmenrah lifted his chin and scoffed. The way his nose was pointed to the ceiling made him resemble a seal balancing a ball on its nose.
“That venomous snake has no idea what she’s talking about.”
“Maybe she’s just jealous. Kim is kind of the Queen Bee of the show.” Larry placed an extravagant sceptre in its display case. “From what I’ve seen, at least.”
Usually, Ahkmenrah would be eager to make himself useful and help out with locking up his exhibit. But nothing- and I mean nothing- stood in the way of him watching ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’.
Nothing- and again, I mean nothing- stood in the way of him ranting about the show.
“Queen Bee?”
“Yeah, you know,” Larry listed off some examples. “The head honcho? The leader of the gang? The top dog?”
“Of course she is Queen of the Bee’s!” Ahkmenrah disregarded Larry. The night guard pursed his lip and shook his head before carrying on with cleaning up.
“I knew there was royal blood within her. I just knew it.” Ahkmenrah smiled and shuffled in his seat. “I could tell.”
“Do you have a royal-radar or something?”
“She has to deal with peasants like Kylie all the time.” Ahkmenrah tutted. (I was tempted to make a King Tut joke but I shall spare you today. Unlike tomorrow, where I shan’t spare you. Lock your doors.)
“Commoners. They are all the same.” he said with a snobbish tone. “Oh, but not you, Larry. You’re different.”
Larry furrowed his eyebrows, dumbfounded. His lips moved, outlines of unspoken words. Who knew a show could change a man so much.
“Thank you?” he finally managed to say.
“Kylie best beware Queen Kim’s sting.” Ahkmenrah lowered his voice. “That dress was exquisite and Kylie will feel her wrath soon. Very soon.”
A few moments of silence went by. Larry picked up a golden jar and used his jacket sleeve to rub away some brightly coloured felt tip pens that had been scribbled on it. The Neanderthals had discovered that they could make cave paintings with different colours other than brown and were keen to experiment with other surfaces other than rock and stone.
When he had wiped it clean, Larry stared at his golden distorted reflection. He took a deep breath, nodded and then put the jar away.
“Ahk.” said Larry, his forehead sweating with nerves. “What if-… What if I wore a dress?”
The Pharaoh head perked up. Larry felt slightly uncomfortable under the judgment stare of the mighty Ahkmenrah. He looked him up and down, his lips a thin line.
Then his face broke out into a grin. “I think you would look fashionable in a dress!”
“What if it was a wedding dress?” Larry blurted out.
“A wedding dress?” Ahkmenrah repeated.
“Yes. A wedding dress.”
Ahkmenrah paused. He then patted the space next to him on the sarcophagus. Larry nervously waddled over and sat down.
“Whatever type of dress you wish to wear,” Ahkmenrah said. “I think you will look lovely.”
Ahkmenrah smiled earnestly, pleased with his answer. He turned his head and was faced with a perplexed looking Larry.
“Oh.” Ahkmenrah’s shoulders slumped a little. “Were you expecting a different answer?”
“Yeah.” Larry nodded as if this was an obvious statement.
Ahkmenrah thought for a moment. “I think you would never suit a dress. Unless it was one that had not been ironed, then all its crinkles would match your face wrinkles.”
Larry scrunched his face up.
“Was that still not the reaction you wanted?” Ahkmenrah asked naively.
“No.” Larry said, mildly offended. “I- I kinda thought you were going to interrogate me. Ask me why. I mean, it’s not every day a guy my age suddenly has the desire to wear a wedding dress of all things.”
“I may be from ancient Egypt, but I have modern views.” Ahkmenrah reassured him softly. “A person should be allowed to wear whatever they want, free from judgement. You live in a world where there are almost no limitations. It may not be perfect, but you’ve come a long way. So,” he shuffled over so that their shoulders were touching.
“I’m honoured that you feel comfortable enough to tell me about your clothing desires. If you want to wear a wedding dress, do it.” Ahkmenrah continued. He let out an un-royal snort of a laugh. “I mean, it’s not like you’re getting married.”
He nudged Larry playfully. Larry was as unresponsive as an exhibit during the day. Ahkmenrah turned to Larry, who was staring ahead.
“Larry?”
Larry slowly turned his head to Ahkmenrah. His eyes were wide, like a dear in the headlights. Ahkmenrah’s eyes bulged.
He gave Larry a look.
Larry nodded.
Without a word, Ahkmenrah got up and walked to the water dispenser located in the hallway. He took a paper cup, filled it with water and made his way all the way back to his seat. He took a swig of water and then spat it out.
“WHAT?” he questioned loudly. Larry flinched. “To who?!”
“U-Uh-,” Larry spluttered. “A... urm- certain figure...”
Ahkmenrah seized Larry’s collar quicker than Rome seized Egypt and shook him violently. “I need more details!”
“A-ah! His name starts with-”
“Are trying to play games with me right now?!”
Larry continued frantically. “His name starts with, urm, L! A-and he's- he's very handsome.”
Ahkmenrah released Larry from his death grip and pondered. Larry let out a sigh of relief.
“... Is it Leonardo DiCaprio?” Ahkmenrah guessed. “That's rushing into things, seeing as the celebrity figures only arrived a week ago.”
“No, no.” Larry said. “Geez. He’s a knight. Blonde. Strong... Blonde.”
“A knight, blonde...” Ahkmenrah tapped his chin. “Oh! Oh, goody, that means I’ve won the bet! Octavius owes me two packets of Oreos. The golden ones. Those are the best.” he smiled like a smug cat that had just taken a dump on the carpet that was the only thing Grandma had left you before passing away.
“Y-you were betting on me?” Larry asked.
“Well, Octavius thought that you and Lancelot wouldn’t work out. Something to do with your sign? He and Jedediah have been getting into those horoscopes.”
“They’ve probably been peaking at those gossipy magazines McPhee has been leaving around.” Larry said. “I never believed in the stuff. But,”
He paused. A light pink blush dusted his cheeks. “He proposed last night.” he said as lifted up his hand to reveal a ring on his finger. “On the roof.”
Ahkmenrah’s eyes sparkled in awe and brought Larry’s hand closer to his face. “Oh, how romantic! It’s gorgeous. If you ever split, can I have it?” he asked innocently.
“Um, sure?” Larry wrinkled his nose. “I don’t think we’ll split. At least- I hope not. I don’t want that, okay?”
“Neither do I, but I don't want that ring going to waste!” Ahkmenrah inspected the ring with a keen eye.
You know those seagulls from Finding Nemo who kept screaming ‘Mine!’? If you were a mind-reader, that all you’d hear in Ahkmenrah’s head. Larry instinctively pulled his hand away.
“Anyway,” Ahkmenrah continued. “What did he say? When he proposed?”
“He- awh, geez, I can’t remember.”
“Go on!
“Okay, okay. He told me how much he loved me. How he wanted to spend the rest of his days with me- that he would protect me, even though he can be a bit dumb sometimes.”
“That is so sweet! I cannot believe this! Well, I can believe that Lance a dumb unintelligent excuse of a person- but other than that! Wow.” the Pharaoh clapped his hands in merriment. “When's the wedding?”
“A couple of months, maybe.” Larry rubbed his palms together. “We need to plan it out.”
“Exciting! Are you nervous?”
“Extremely.”
“Well, I could always trap you in my sarcophagus.” Ahkmenrah offered casually. “That way, you'd be so nervous about being in a tight space that you would completely forget to be nervous about the wedding.”
Larry blinked. “Please don’t do that.”
Ahkmenrah chuckled. “Well, Lance is a very lucky person, Larry.”
“So am I.” Larry stared dreamily into the distance.
“Ooh, that reminds me! We're placing bets on who we think is going to propose; Jed or Octavius. Would you let to take a guess?”
Larry snapped back to reality (oh, there goes gravity). “Uh, sure. Probably Jedediah? Then again,” he grinned. “Octavius is much more Roman-tic. Hey? Hey?” he nudged Ahkmenrah, who rolled his eyes and laughed politely.
“Hey now!” a voice hollered from down below. Larry and Ahkmenrah turned their heads simultaneously. A familiar miniature cowboy waltzed out from behind one of the sandy-stone pillars.
“I can be romantic to! Oh shoot,” Jedediah snapped his fingers. “I’m meant to be hiding.”
Ahkmenrah narrowed his eyes. “Jed, why are you in my exhibit?”
“Yeah, why were you hiding back there?” Larry added. “Snooping around. You little snooper. Little snoopy.”
“Quit talking down to me!”
“Kinda hard not to, buddy.” Larry gestured to the height difference. “Come one, why were you hiding?”
“Octavius wanted to see if that hora-scopey-thinga-majic was correct. And, flying flapjacks, was it!” Jedediah cried out.
“Oh boy. And what did it predict?” Larry asked.
“Well, it said 'something would happen'. And lookey here, somethin' did happen!”
As Jedediah spoke, Ahkmenrah hopped off the sarcophagus and gracefully knelt down. He held out his hand and the cowboy clambered on before being lifted up. Larry and Ahkmenrah sat on opposite sides of the saprophagous and Jedediah was lowered onto the middle.
Ahkmenrah shook his head. “Little bodies and little brains. They fall for anything, don't they?”
“They really do.” Larry sighed.
“Hey! I can hear ya'll as clear as day! Not that I would know what day is like, but still!” Jedediah crossed his hands and huffed. “Stop picking on us little guys.”
“Alright, sorry.” Larry apologised.
“So, what are y’gunna serve at your wedding?”
“Uh, well, I haven't really thought-”
“Because a party ain’t a real party unless you got some booze!”
“Sorry to burst your bubble, Jed, but I was just thinking of serving soda.” Larry said, not sorry at all.
“Wha-at? What’s the point if you don’t get a little bit tipsy?” Jedediah argued. “I’m not coming if there ain’t no cider.”
“Listen, tipsy teeny. You don’t have to come. You can attend an alcoholics-anonymous meeting instead.”
Jedediah pouted and readjusted his hat. “Fine. I’ll come even with the lack acholic beverages.” he grumbled, kicking the lid of the saprophagous melodramatically.
“Can we at least do that experiment Nicky showed us? Where he put the 'men-toes' into the 'coke-and-coal-a'?”
Larry stared at him blankly. “Absolutely not.”
“Awh, you’re no fun, Gigantor.”
“May I have the honour of being the DJ at you’re wedding?” Ahkmenrah chimed in.
“Absolutely, yes. I was just about to ask you that.” said Larry.
“Oh! Oh! You should have your first dance to the 'Macarena'!” Jedediah suggested excitedly. “Or maybe 'Cotton-Eye-Joe'!”
“No, thank you.”
“Heck, you’re no fun and now the wedding ain’t gonna be no fun either!”
“I- okay, fine. Then don’t come.” Larry said with a challenging tone. “I’m sure Lancelot would just accidently-on-purpose step on you anyway.”
“Woah, pal, I was only horsing around!” Jedediah waved his gloved hands dismissively. “I wanna eat some fancy-smancey wedding cake!”
Larry sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Alright, you can come.”
“Yehaw!” Jedediah slapped his knee. “This cowboys back on the wedding list!”
“Maybe you could wear makeup on the day, Larry?” Ahkmenrah said. “I'm very good with eyeliner.”
“Sure, Ahkmenrah, why not!” Larry traced a finger across his cheek. “Although, you don’t have to do much to improve my complexion.
“I shall follow the makeup techniques of my role models!” Ahkmenrah’s eyes twinkled. “The Kardashians.”
Larry used his hand to cover up his snickering. “Whatever you say, buddy.”
“Can we have the wedding now?” Jedediah spurted out. “I'm hungry for cake.”
“No, there’s a lot of planning that has to be done.”
Jedediah raised his shoulders. “... What if we just have just regular, non-wedding cake right now?”
“And why would we- sorry, I- buy one right now?”
“What d’ya mean, buy?”
“Money, Jed. The reason I have this job is to get money, something I need to buy things. And cake doesn’t come for free.”
“You’ve got a secret snack drawer, haven't you?” Jedediah passive-aggressively accused him. “I bet on my best pair of britches that you’ve got some cake scurried away in there.”
Ahkmenrah turned to Larry. “You have a secret snack drawer?”
“No! I don’t.” Larry hurriedly covered Jedediah with his hands. “Don’t listen to him. He’s crazy.”
“I’m not crazy!” came a muffled shout.
“See. Exactly what a crazy person would say.”
“Let him go, Larry.” Ahkmenrah ordered sternly.
Larry grumbled like a child being told off by his parent. “Fine.”
Once free of his hand-prison, Jedediah once again asked; “C’mon, can’t we have some cake?”
“Why?” Larry asked.
“Because I’m your favourite cowboy and I’m hungry.”
“Can’t you get something to eat down at the saloon?” Larry asked, exasperated. “Or a bakery. Surely there must be a bakery in at least one of the dioramas.”
“Yeah, but then I'd just get a regular sized cake. But if you bring me a big person cake- just think about the amount of cake that would be for me!” a goofy lopsided grin was now plastered on Jedediah’s face. He was very proud of his idea. He and Octavius share one braincell between them and it was Jedediah's turn to have it today.
“But then you’d get a stomach-ache.” Larry reasoned. He was a fool to reason with such a simple man.
“Who cares! I'd do anything for that sweet, sugary goodness!”
“Uh, we're your friends. We’d care. Octavius would care.”
“Y’all worry too darn much, anyhow!” Jedediah used his puppy dog eyes. “C’mon Larry! For old Jedediah?”
“Ugh, fine.” Larry reluctantly agreed. “But if you get sugar high, Octavius can deal with you.”
“YEHAW!” Jedediah swung his hat. “That’s what I’m talking about! … When do I get my cake?”
“Tomorrow.” Larry stated.
“Tomorrow?” Jedediah squawked. “But that’s too far away!”
“I'm not running out of the museum to get you a cake now. It’ll be sunrise soon.” Larry explained.
“Most reasonable.” Ahkmenrah remarked. “Besides, it's not like Larry has a secret stash of cakes he keeps to himself. Or do you, Larry?”
Larry laughed suspiciously. “Of course not! Why would I keep a stash of cake of all things?”
“For me!” Jedediah stamped his leather boot. “If you were a true friend, you'd keep some stored away for me!”
“Jed, you’ve officially lost your speaking privileges.”
“I lost them years ago."
Larry put his head in his hands and started rethinking every life decision.