Chapter Text
January 1st, 2023
Dear Toby,
It’s been nearly fourteen months since the Hawthrone fortune became mine. In that time, I have tried on a number of occasions to sit down and write this letter, but something in me continues to hold me back.
Part of me isn’t even sure what to say to you.
I’ve never been much good at sharing how I feel. Being vulnerable is uncomfortable for everyone, but to me it feels dangerous. I often find myself fighting a flight reflex when I try to share my feelings.
Despite the uncertainty, despite the terrifying tightness in my chest, I have decided that today is the day I will write this letter. I will not allow myself to back down again. I’ve spent time in more than 20 countries, testing my limits with challenges and dares, but what good is knowing those limits if I am stuck on this front?
In the last fourteen months, we have seen each other more than once. Blake likes to parade you around in Texas society like a show pony. Each of those times I have stolen glances in your direction and remained in your distant company until my stomach can’t bear it anymore. On more than one occasion, Jamie and Gray have had to drag me out a back door and away from prying eyes. It sickens me to watch you like that. You look dead. And it’s all my fault.
I think about that day at Blake’s ranch all the time. I think about that photograph he sent as your proof of life. I think about what my existence has cost you.
You threw the game against Eve. I still don’t know why. Then you tried to throw the game against me. You threw everything you wanted away and no matter what I do I can’t understand it.
My mom, she made due with what we had. She made up games to distract from our reality. She made my life the best she could. She did everything for me.
My father is a deadbeat. He never cared about me until it was convenient. He never visited unless he wanted to. He never acted like he had any obligation to me. He did nothing for me.
More than anything I wanted someone in my life to love me unconditionally. I thought I could only have that from a biological parent, I thought my luck had struck out when my mom died because Ricky was never going to love me that way.
But then there was you.
Tobias Hawthorne II, you took care of me.
You watched over me.
You loved the way he never could.
And sometimes I am so incredibly grateful for it.
Other times I feel unbearably responsible for your misery.
The ink on the pretty green stationary was smudged. The floral borders were fine, but the black writing she scrawled across the thick cardstock was ruined. She would have to throw this one out and start again.
NO!
Avery scribbled the letters across the paper, over and over until she could hardly make out the original words beneath. Her front teeth dug into her lip, biting and ripping at it until the familiar metallic taste was on her tongue.
Crumpling the paper, Avery threw it across the room with a huff. It landed in the corner with a few others. She let her head fall down against the desk with a thud as she tried to properly collect her thoughts.
“Aves?” Jameson was awake. He was groggy and shirtless and perfect, “Hey, what are you doing?”
She wanted to crawl back into bed with him, to let Jameson hold her and tell her it was okay. She wanted to let him comfort her again, but at the moment she did not feel like she deserved it.
“Nothing, I’ve gotten absolutely nowhere.” Avery frowned. She sat up and pushed herself back onto her feet, crossing the large room in a few quick steps.
She pulled the covers back and then down over her bare legs. Avery had not realized how cold she was until his warm arms engulfed her.
“Tell me what’s wrong.” He mumbled against her ear, “Let me help.”
“This isn’t a puzzle or a riddle that we can solve, Jamie,” Avery rolled over in his arms and let her forehead fall against his upper chest, at the base of his throat.
“Okay, we can’t solve it. What can we do?” Jameson’s hand stroked at her hair. That gentle touch alone was enough to expel most of the tension in her shoulders.
“Wait?” Avery’s doubt shone through in her tone, “Hope for a miracle?”
“A miracle?” Jameson’s eyebrows knit together as he considered her words, “Are you sick? What is going on, Aves, you’re scaring me.”
His lips brushed across her forehead as he felt for a temperature and his hands roamed over her, feeling for anything out of place.
“I’m fine, it’s not me that needs a miracle.” she assured him with a kiss to the cheek and a contented hum as she curled up even closer against him.
“Do I need to call Tahiti?” Jameson resumed stroking her hair in a valiant attempt to comfort her.
“No, maybe tomorrow, but definitely not now.”
“Okay.”