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Yeosang always felt lonely, but to be honest, he loved being alone. No matter how snotty it sounds, when you are alone, no one will hurt you, no one will betray you, no one will leave you, because there is no one to leave. And he has no one to leave. He doesn't hurt anyone and no one hurts him back. He is winning in any way.
Of course, he was often in big companies, because he is an idol, he should be. Yeosang was able to talk to people, to start conversation, to interrupt an awkward silence with a good talk. And people loved to communicate with him because he knew how to do it. He always been able to.
But he also knew that in the company or with the members even he was still alone. No matter how many times he talked, no matter how many times he called everyone "my friend", he had only one close person - himself.
And yes, he liked it. He didn't suffer from loneliness, he always has someone to talk to. He didn't die of boredom because he knew how to spend time with himself. He didn't cry at night from loneliness, because he has himself. It was cool, it was practical, it was something that gave him pleasure.
Or he thought so.
Everyone had been paired up for a long time and constantly spent time together, some even had relationships, but Yeosang didn't really go into details. Just once, Seonghwa came into his room all tearful and told about their "friendly" fights with Hongjoong... but Yeosang, of course, is not stupid. But if they don't want to openly declare it, then it's none of his business.
He didn't meddle in other people's affairs, and he didn't particularly like it when people got into his. Wooyoung loved it tho and did it quite often.
At one point, Yeosang had a very good friend and there was a very unclear relationship between them, something between "best friends forever" and "the beginning of romance". Wooyoung intervened with blunt questions, not suspecting that this was hurting for him. Yeosang almost didn't talk about his feelings, so he's not upset about Wooyoung, how could he possibly know it's hurtful if Yeosang doesn't speak.
With the girl, of course, communication stopped. He didn't expect anything more than friendship, but he also lost her as a friend. Communication dried up when he made it clear that he wasn't particularly interested in her (although he was, he was just a little cowardly, and communication ended).
After that, he decided that it was easiest to be alone. He fenced himself off from everyone, including Wooyoung, sometimes he just keeps up a conversation with him about nothing and that's it. Mostly he was always alone.
Only one member of the group communicated with him most of all on some personal topics, although he remained true to himself and his loneliness until the last. But Jongho didn't try to break this loneliness, he just talked to him because Yeosang was interesting to him. And Jongho was interesting to Yeosang. Therefore, communication was rare, but long.
Usually they stayed somewhere together, and talked about everything in the world, and Yeosang was constantly smiling. Jongho was an interesting person, even though he was younger, he knew almost everything about the world. And there were a lot of topics for conversation. They talked incessantly for two, three, sometimes even four hours. Just the two of them.
And Yeosang still felt alone until Jongho gave him the birthday present he remembered the most. They often talked about the starry sky, because Yeo began to get interested in astrology, planets and stars, zodiac signs. He didn't tell anyone except Jongho.
And he gave him a huge box of luminous stickers on the wall in the shape of the moon and stars, a starry sky projector, a moonlight and small earrings with his zodiac sign. The moment he opened it all... he just couldn't put into words how much he was grateful. He immediately put on earrings, pasted stickers on all the wallpaper, turned on the night lights and sat in the room, watching... It was something incredible.
And then he found a letter in the box.
"Hi Yeosangi, happy birthday! ^^^
I'm sorry if this is too much, you just told me a lot about the stars that I decided to give you everything at once. I don't know how to write heartwarming letters, I just hope that I was able to convey all my thoughts with this gift.
P.S: be sure to look at the instructions for the night lights! There are different colors))
From your friend, Jongho!"
And after reading this letter, Yeosang realized that his shell of loneliness had mercilessly cracked. Jongho will never let him know that he is alone. And Yeosang honestly didn't know what to do now.
Of course, he didn't shut down their communication out of fear, although he could have. And he didn't behave remotely either, although he had done so in the past times. He just let himself go with the flow and hoped that this friend really wouldn't back down from him. It was not very good feeling to lose friends. But he left it as it is.
After receiving the gift, almost nothing has changed, except for the realization that he is not alone anymore. They still talked, laughed together, discussed who's the most annoying ass from the members. Everything is as usual, until a certain day.
Jongho invited him to the roof.
"Let's go, take a jacket with you just in case"
"On the roof? Why? We'll freeze our ass off!"
"Come on, get up! You'll like it i promise"
Yeosang didn't know how Jongho got the key from the manager to the roof, they had long been forbidden to go there for safety reasons (because, well, they have Choi San), so the manager locked it and hid the key. But Jongho apparently asked him to give it for a while. Or... stole it.
"How did you get that goddamn key?!" Yeosang asked as he climbed the steps to the roof behind Jongho.
"I stole it"
Yeosang made an annoying face and looked him straight in the eyes.
"No you didn't"
"No I didn't" he smiled back. Yeosang laughed.
"I don't reveal my secrets"
Jongho... he's always been like this. Such a teaser, such an annoying ass actually, but annoying in a very good way. Better than San or Wooyoung.
They walked further along the roof and finally Yeosang saw why he was brought here at all. Two (comfortable!!) red armchairs, a table with a bottle of something probably alcoholic and plastic cups for two, and two warm blankets on the chairs.
"Really? Did you take the chairs in San's room?"
"Is that all you're going to say?!"
Jongho plopped down on his chair and covered himself with a blanket, motioning for Yeosang to come to him. He sat down on his chair next to him.
"The sky is quite clear in Seoul today, so I thought it might be possible to see the stars. Naturally, this is just my guess, so in order not to just sit like two complete idiots looking for stars, I brought soju"
"Soju with... plastic cups?"
"Listen, I didn't find anything else..."
Yeosang laughed again and lightly hit Jongho on the arm. They were sitting side by side, but not close enough to each other.
"It's okay, I'm kidding"
"Bitch I know" Jongho smiled back, and their eyes met again. It wasn't long, but it was memorable. The atmosphere was conducive to memorizing things.
"Thank you" sounded from Yeosang and he wrapped the blanket tighter.
"Don't thank me yet"
They settled down comfortably and looked up into the dark blue sky, looking for hints of the stars. Yeosang began to think as he usually does, not even looking at this sky.
He found a friend with whom silence was never awkward. Both of them were often silent and caught each other's moments when it's worth being silent, and to be honest, it's super cool.
The whole Jongho is worth a lot. Yeosang doesn't know why he is doing all this, what his goal is. What does he want. Knowing Jongho, to be honest, he probably didn't have any purpose. It's just the way he is, making something random.
While they were silent, Jongho poured soju into cups and they drank, sniffing their blankets from the too strong percentage of alcohol. What's good (or probably bad) - Yeosang and Jongho almost never get drunk. Jongho is definitely almost never.
"I've never drunk soju from the plastic cups. Feels poor"
"Shut up? I'm changing the rules, i feel like a god"
Yeosang rolled his eyes.
"You're too confident in yourself"
"In front of you, I have to be like this"
He rubbed his eyes and stared at him. What an interesting phrase...
"Why?"
"I just want to... surprise you? I don't know" He just nodded to him and turned around again to look at the sky. It was getting awkward, but for some reason he didn't want to leave.
"You and I are the most calm couple..."
"Huh?" Yeosang turned around, misunderstood
"I mean, we all split up in pairs. Everyone is constantly screaming and somehow sticking to each other, and we are like... very calm"
"God gave us brains"
Jongho laughed.
"You're right"
"I would say we are the most beautiful couple"
Choi giggled again. "Well, you are all the beauty in our couple"
"What?! No-"
"Hey, it's ok. I realized a long time ago that I'm not at the top of Olympus if we talking about the looks, so it's okay."
"You... Jongho" Yeosang turned his whole body towards him. "I don't know what you realized there, but you are very handsome man"
"Stop"
"No! I look at you and for me you are very beautiful. I'm not very good at conveying emotions... but you're really good." To be honest, it flew out of Yeosang's mouth by itself. He often heard Jongho speak badly about himself in terms of appearance, and this was very frustrating, because for Yeosang he was a very handsome man. Very fucking handsome.
He always looked at him with admiration. He couldn't stop staring, and when he caught himself doing it, he was embarrassed and turned his head away...
"Thank you," Jongho said, turning his head to him once more. "There's nothing prettier than you anyway"
"Shut up" he replied and became embarrassed, covering his face with his hands.
Silence again, surrounded by stars and frosty air. Jongho didn't stop smiling as he drank soju from his cup and felt his body relax. Yeosang drank the cup almost in one gulp, because he was covered with some kind of incomprehensible excitement, as if he was not with Jeonho now, but a complete stranger to him. Something seems to be... wrong. But after drinking a cup, he was able to relax a little. Moreover, Jongho looked absolutely calm.
There were almost no thoughts in his head. His head was empty, he didn't think about anything at all, neither about his loneliness, nor about the future, nor about the past. He just sometimes felt that something was kinda not right. Sometimes he thought about Jongho, but he quickly pushed these thoughts far away. Why think about him if he's sitting next to you, sprawled out on a chair like a boss.
"Look, the stars!"
They really appeared, there were not many of them, but they were beautiful. So small, but beautiful. Yeosang smiled, he couldn't take his eyes off, he loved it all so much. So magic.
It began to freeze a little. The air turned from cool to icy, the blanket almost didn't warm Yeosang and he began to tremble from the sudden cold. But one thing he knew for sure - he didn't want to leave at all. He wanted to sit for a couple more hours, drink soju, talk about nothing, look at the beautiful stars. But freezing nature had other plans.
"Are you cold?" Jongho asked him, standing up from his chair.
"A little bit"
"Get in" he said, throwing back his blanket and inviting Yeosang. "It's not so cold together"
Something's wrong. Something's is not usual. In the air, in the atmosphere, in Jongho. It seemed that everything was as usual, Jongho behaves like Jongho, the air was normal, the alcohol was normal, but then what's wrong?
Yeosang looked at him. Jongho was smiling, inviting him.
Does this mean that he feels something completely different? Does this mean that for him it is as usual, just another evening spent with Yeosang? Why is he even thinking about it now?
He bit his lip. But he didn't refuse though. Yeosang crawled under his blanket on his chair, tucking his legs under him, covering himself up to his shoulders. They were so close, Jongho was still smiling, but he wasn't looking in his direction.
They were literally pressed against each other, Yeosang felt his warmth, his breath, and he seemed to go a little crazy from alcohol, although he didn't feel drunk.
He felt something different, but he couldn't figure out what. His thoughts were confused in his head, although literally 10 minutes ago his brain was empty. He didn't want to leave. He didn't want it to end. But he was still strangely tense, as if his body was screaming to leave this place without looking back. Or he just didn't distinguish the needs of his body.
"You're shaking..." Jongho said and put his hand on his thigh, stroking him as if calming him. "Are you that cold? Or something happened?"
"I'm just freezing"
"We can go back to the dorm then?"
"No!" he answered quickly, without expecting it from himself. "No, let's stay a little longer."
Jongho nodded and looked at the sky again, which was already beginning to be covered with clouds and the stars were almost invisible. But he watched anyway, catching every moment, warming Yeosang with his hand, which he still hadn't removed from his thigh. And he didn't resist. He was basking with Jongho under the blanket and was still trying to catch the thoughts in his head that were rushing at breakneck speed.
But then he thought, is it necessary? He's fine, isn't he? He needs to relax his head, relax his body, let his thoughts just go out of head and enjoy the goddamn moment. It's strange that one sentence, one suggestion could shake his brain so much.
Yeosang was still a little shaken, because you can lie to your head easily but not to the body. His body betrayed what he was going through. But he didn't give a damn about it really. He was tired of thinking.
He rested his head on Jongho's shoulder. He felt his hand sliding down his thigh, he felt his smile, as if he was smiling with him. He don't care if something is wrong. He can think about it later.
"The stars decided to hide behind the clouds" Jongho's voice changed to a softer one. "I really wanted to show you a couple of constellations"
"The stars are not so important. The moment itself is important"
"You're right. You're still prettier than the stars."
Yeosang raised his head, and their eyes met. This phrase... it had everything. He put his soul into this phrase, and Yeosang was simply struck by his poetry. He had always been like that, but now, when such words were dedicated to him, it seemed completely different.
And his wall of loneliness, which he had been building for many years, mercilessly collapsed under his gaze.
And under his lips.
He didn't understand how. It was unclear who was the first to reach out and wrap his lips around the other. Maybe they did it at the same time, but it didn't matter. What matters is how it felt now, in this very particular moment, despite the past and the future. Just now.
It was so tender, as if it was the very first kiss that one or the other had, but it wasn't. Jongho's lips crushed Yeosang's so slowly that they could melt like cotton candy. They took turns grabbing each other's lips, gently and very quietly, while their eyes were closed. There was a feeling that a bunch of butterflies were flying around them and inside them, this moment was so magical and exciting.
And it wasn't just for a moment. They kissed more and more gently, without connecting the tongue, for fear of spoiling everything. Yeosang put his hand on Jongho's hand, which was still on Yeosang's thigh, and gently squeezed it, trying to feel his presence in full. He never had that. He had never felt such magic as from this kiss.
They pulled away after a while, slowly opening their eyes and looking at each other. Neither of them felt awkward.
"Are you warm enough?" Jongho asked, and a smile spread across his face.
"I guess"
They smiled at each other, snuggling even closer than they had been before.
So that's what was wrong. The atmosphere was conducive to this kiss from the beginning, but no one suspected it.
And now, after the kiss, Yeosang got rid of a piece of himself that he had been carrying with him for more than 5 years. And he didn't know if he was happy about losing that wall. But for now, he trusted Jongho as himself. Maybe something can come out of this.
"I think it's time to go inside."
"You're right."
It has become even colder and unfortunately no touch and no kiss can warm them enough. Although there was a reason to kiss again, both understood that this was enough for now.
They packed their things, but Jongho didn't take San's chairs because they were too heavy to carry. Perhaps they will become completely icy by morning, but who cares now, except for San himself. Although, most likely, he will remember about them only in a week as he usually does.
Finally they went inside, it was so warm and nice.
"Will you go to sleep?" Jongho asked
"Yeah, I think so"
"Good night, Yeosangi. I had a great time," he gave him another wide smile, flashing his big eyes.
"Me too, Good night"
Yeosang had already turned back and was about to leave, but something abruptly stopped him "Jongho!"
"Yes?"
One question stuck in his head. He didn't know if it was meaningful to ask it, but he still did.
"Who are we now?"
"Probably a new constellation"