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I ’ll run and bite my tail and say
"I’m sorry" time and time again
I’ll rip my stuffing out and I will
Cry for you to put it back
Do we use stitches or glue?
What is going to see me through?
When I saw the first orange hued embers burst from outside the pizzaplex, burning with ashes soaring to the skies, I didn’t believe it. Fire filling the night, shining like a beacon, a diamond in the rough. There was no mistaking it though, that Gregory had been the one to do it, him and that dreaded robot. I didn’t feel like calling him by his name, it humanized him too much. No robot should be treated as if it's a human, that's a mistake of the past. A mistake that was caused in a madman's search for immortality. Running out of the building, I barely made it. My skin was hot and worn, ashes brushed all across my face and stitched together costume. So here I was standing, like an angel from the ashes atop some buildings rooftop gazing at the mess that was never supposed to happen. The child was never supposed to be that smart, he was never supposed to be anything more than another blip on the world's record I was forced to kill under his command. So here, from the dark recesses of my mind, I knew that there was still that echo. That even after burning to a nothing but a crisp in the wreckage, he was still somewhere in my head. Not speaking, he was waiting for his opportunity. I breathed in the air, it smelt like smoke.
I was tired and broken, all our work was gone, all of the times I was battered and bruised were all for nothing at all. The marks on my fingers and blood under my fingernails were proof enough. It was like a slate wiped clean, and I knew my nightmare would resume in record time. No sooner than now, no later than tomorrow. I nearly forgot I had somewhere to call home, so many sleepless nights in decimated rooms of the underground, so many hours wandering the endless tunnels that twisted and turned in the plex. Where would we go? Where would he make me go? I hadn’t a clue.
Firefighters were on the scene now, sirens blaring and people rushing into the building with hoses and other gadgets. They had no idea what they were walking into, no idea what horrors had occurred on the very grounds they were trying to salvage. My uniform was somewhere in there burning, all of the robots, burning, all the arcade machines he told me not to touch, burning. From the moment he pulled back the star speckled curtains and beckoned me closer, I didn’t know this was what my future would shape to be. A never ending nightmare where I was forced to commit atrocities beyond anything my victims minds could comprehend. Forced? Was that it? Or was I simply mindlessly obeying all the things that the rabbit told me to do because I knew what would happen if I didn’t? I didn’t feel anything anymore. I identified more with the cold corpses that lay underneath the pizza plex more than any breathing human. Was it my fault? Because I failed to understand the woman's recorded messages and kill him for good? I was vulnerable, he knew that, and took advantage of it. He used my already broken state of mind to craft himself a new puppet with strings he could manipulate easily. Even now as I think about it, there's no feelings behind my words. No dread or fear like there used to be, just emptiness. He said my emotions were my weakness, where was he now? I do believe he would be proud of what he's accomplished. How he broke me down to nothing but a husk of flesh he could move at the snap of a finger, when at the start I was stubborn and would have done anything to just make him go away. There was a little voice in the back of my mind telling me that I still wanted that, that I wanted him gone and to just spare me for the remainder of my life, the side that wished more for death than life.
Then there was the side that wanted bloodshed and to bask in the screams of those she murders. She never thought of it as murder though, did she? She thought of it as a game. She thought of it as playing. I was so messed up now that I never knew when that persona took effect, I always forgot I was more than one woman. I was Vanessa, but I was also the nightmare of my- his - own creation. Vanny. Weren’t they both me? Who was I? Was I him, was he me? What am I if not a mistake? My head hurt and I felt a hand on my shoulder. When I turned around, his shadow was what looked back.
Don’t worry. We’ll find another way.
“ Please don’t hurt me.” I hit my head, as if to make him leave.
I don't need to anymore. Because I believe you’re more.
“Spare me.” There she was, there was Vanessa. She was talking through broken sobs, looking at her own tears falling.
From what? Fun?
“From you. Please. Go back to sleep.” My shoulders sagged, the glitching form stood in front of me rather than behind me. He placed his fake translucent hands on my cheeks and made me look into his fake eyes. This was the costumed rabbit that spoke to me when I first found him. This was almost more nightmarish than the vessel I created for him.
You’re broken. Look at yourself.
“You did this to me.”
Listen to me-
“I don’t want to.” I couldn’t bring myself to look into his eyes.
You will listen to me, because I’m all you have left. Luis, remember what you did to him.
“No-”
Your therapists, remember what you did to all of them.
“Please.”
The children. I didn’t do that. You did.
“I didn’t-” My words didn’t come out coherently, but were shattered loose syllables. His hand harshly hit my cheek and sent me tumbling to the ground. Sharp pain awoke through me.
You did. The movement of your hand with the knife, that wasn’t mine. You’ve taken lives, there is no going back. I need you. You need me. You need me to breathe, without me you’ll be nothing again. A forgotten woman. Because of the predicament you’re currently in, with the things we’ve accomplished and the lives you’ve destroyed, the people you’ve set free, there's nothing else left for you to do but continue. You don’t want me to wither away, do you? Your savior? My nose began to bleed and his voice became louder.
My eyes met his, and I grabbed his legs, pulling myself back up before I collapsed into his arms. I hated him, but I really didn’t have anyone else. He was like a father to me. It sent me back to the dark basements and the endless screams of my childhood. All too familiar, Vanessa. All too familiar. I was reliant on him for more than what I had been given at birth, I wanted to live. I wanted to die. I wanted to be remembered. I wanted to be forgotten. I killed people. He did. We have dreams. He has dreams. My head felt strange. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I didn’t want this, I didn’t! Spirals. I didn’t want to hurt anyone else! Whirlwinds. He was doing the same my father had done unto me as a child. Nobody else cares about you. Take my reins and cause chaos. Hate and pain filled my veins. Fate is unchangeable. You’re assigned a fate, and you’ve got no chance but to obey that fate. Okay. Okay, I’ll listen. I promise I will. I’ll walk the tightrope over hell again just to cross into heaven. Take my broken and tainted flesh and make me shiny again, fix me up with a stitch and stick me back together with glue.
Good girl. That's what you’ve always wanted to be, right? Perfect for your family? For your deceased mother? My grip on the hallucination tightened, I felt the fabrics but I knew it was all part of my imagination, all part of his master illusion.
Every time someone's tears fall it drives you crazy, doesn’t it? Makes you want to end the screaming sound?
“Yes..” My tears ceased.
You’ll listen? You’ll be my daughter?
“Okay.”
We’ll make them suffer. Everyone who’s wronged you. Starting with your father. Its not over yet. This is the start of your new life.
My brows furrowed. Anger, hatred for what he did to me, flashes of the dreaded courtroom and my mothers dead body laying limp down on the floor of her bedroom singing to me. Light shone from the burning pizzaplex, I gazed down upon it through my raging anger. I was like that burning building, burning with feelings. Burning with hatred. The fire crackled and whispered to me. Another chance to make somebody proud, another chance to make things right. How fun, how unbelievably fun! I couldn’t wait. When do we get to play our game? The rapture of emotions overflowed like a boiling pot. I was like a spinning cyclone of feelings and thoughts.
Stay the course.
“I will.” I begrudgingly smiled. And he was gone. The hallucination was gone.
So was the remainder of who I used to be.
Goodbye Vanessa.
Hello, Vanny.
What am I doing?