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Gordon buried his face in his hands, feeling something gross crawl up his throat. It clogged his esophagus, the pressure strong enough to make him want to vomit. It was horrible, the worst feeling he's felt by far. Worse than those heart pains of Jealousy by far. No, this was some new monster. Something that made his stomach feel heavy and his eye sting. He bit on his cheek. It bled from his teeth pushing so hard against his flesh, but he found himself unable to care.
Everything hurt, and he knew why. Lifting his head, he looked at the paper in front of him.
"Gordon," it started.
"I can't do this anymore." it continued.
"I can't keep trying to fix you." it ended.
No explanation, no goodbye, not even a sign-off. Just his name- and words he's heard a million times from a dozen lovers, and yet none of it even proved to be as painful as this one. For some goddamn reason, this one hurt like no other. The argument that caused this, that forced him away, was fresh in his mind like a wound.
—
"Just! Leave me alone!" Freemind screamed, scowling at Barmey who held his hand out. "Don't fucking touch me!"
"What do you want me to do, Gordon!? You…" Barmey looked away, putting his knees to his chest and leaning onto Gordon's arm. "You're hurt. I'm supposed to comfort you when you're hurt."
Gordon scoffed, pushing Barmey away. "I don't need comfort, I'm fine."
"You woke me up because you were having a goddamn panic attack! You're telling me you're okay?! You're telling me that screaming in the middle of the night about something you refuse to tell me about is perfectly fine!? You're not fine! Let me help you, you need to see som—"
"No I fucking don't. I'm fine! I'm going back to bed. You should too." Gordon finished the conversation, laying away from Barmey with a scowl on his face.
He woke up the next morning, with Barmey's things gone and a note on the counter.
Shit.
—
It was fine. He could live without Barmey, he was a nuisance more than anything. Yeah, he could live without that bastard.
He couldn't.
—
"Barmey. Please."
"Wha- What do you want?!"
"Can we talk?"
"..."
"We need to talk."
"Here. We talk here."
"But-"
"I don't care. I am not letting you inside."
"Fine. I'm sorry."
"..."
"What more do you want?!"
"What is wrong with you?!"
"What do you mean what's wrong with me? I apologized, isn't that enough?!"
"It isn't! You don't realize how much it hurt being with you. I thought I was nothing without you, and now that I’m finally put back together, you want to try again!? You… you were distant. You claimed to love me and yet you pushed me away and-"
"I was afraid, Barmey. I never meant to hurt you like I did. Know that- know that I wasn’t made to love, I was never made to hold people close and let them into my heart. I’m a- It-... I was never meant to have feelings. It complicates things!"
"It complicates things?! Loving me complicates things? DO you know how hard it is to love you?! How hard it is to be your boyfriend? How much it hurts to see someone you love refuse any help?!"
"I'll get help, I'll- I'll get better for you, I didn't realize how much I loved you unt-"
"Until I left."
"Yeah."
"That's not as romantic as you think it is."
"Wh-"
"Think about it. It wasn't until you didn't have someone to push away that you realized you loved him."
"..."
"..."
"I'm sorry, Barmey."
"It’s easier to pretend I hate you, but it’s so blatantly obvious I still want to love you. I miss listening to you talk about Nerd(™) shit. I miss watching you beat guys up because they talked to me at a bar. I even miss you hounding me because I forgot to put the cap on the milk."
"You still love me, I still love you— why can't we work it out?!"
"Because I know how it'll end. You'll get better and then you'll stop."
"..."
"Maybe in… maybe- maybe in another timeline. Another universe, it could've worked out. Maybe you got therapy the first time I suggested you did… or maybe that night where I ended up breaking down because of you. Maybe it got better in another timeline. Maybe in another world— we… we could've. We could've been something. Maybe in another universe, we could've grown old and wrinkly and adopt a cat, name it toad. Co-write a dnd campaign."
"This can be that timeline, Barmey."
—
"It can't, Gordon. Maybe it could be, maybe if I said yes and gave you another chance, it could've been. But I'm not taking that risk."
"Barmey-"
"I won't forget you, Gordon. I don't think I could."
"Please-"
"If you love me, just. Let it go."
"..."
The door shut.
Gordon stood there, in front of his ex lover's house, trying not to cry.
All is fair in love and war, he supposed.
And he lost.
—
"...talk to me in a few months, okay? Talk to… talk to him, the therapist I recommended. Get better, please. That's what I want from you if you want to make this work. I can't… be with you like this. Where you are now."
"Yeah, okay."
"I love you, Gordon."
"I… I love you too."
With a small farewell kiss, the door shut. Was it a farewell or a "we'll talk about it later?" Either way, the door shut.
All is fair in love and war, he supposed.
And he was in a stalemate.
—
"Gordon, look at him!!"
"We can't get a cat that young-"
"But look at him! He's so small!"
"He is small… okay. We can get him, but only if you're the one feeding him. I'm not home enough to feed him."
"Okay!!"
All is fair in love and war, he supposed.
And he won.