Chapter Text
FROM: Phil Coulson [email protected]
TO: All Staff
SUBJECT: Panther Vision Weekly
Happy October!
Can’t believe how fast this year has gone already! It is just me or did we just start the school year? Wow, time truly does fly.
As the weather becomes colder and the days get shorter, it can be easy to lose sight of why we’re here. The new shine of a school year has worn off. Students are getting restless. Those lessons just aren’t working out the way that you planned. It’d be so much easier to curl up at home with a hot cup of coffee and your favorite TV show, huh?
In moments like this, it’s so important that teachers remember your why. Feel free at any point to access the Google Drive linked below to refresh yourself on what you wrote at the beginning of the year. We are all here because we LOVE what we do! Don’t lose sight! We’ve got this, Panthers!
With great admiration,
Phil Coulson
Principal
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FROM: Tony Stark [email protected]
TO: All Teachers
SUBJECT: BATHROOMS
People,
I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times–PLEASE STOP LETTING KIDS GO TO THE BATHROOM DURING CLASS. I have spent the past HOUR sitting in front of the security cameras, trying to figure out who the heck wrote “PRINCIPAL COULSON IS A THICC FAT BOY” on the handicapped stall in the boys bathroom. I would much rather be sitting in my office pretending to work while I secretly rewatch Gilmore Girls for the fifth time (#teamdean yeah I said it) but NO I have to stare at tiny blurry screens and decide who wants to make social commentary regarding Principal Coulson’s “thickability” on the friggin BATHROOM WALL. And y’all don’t even WANT to know what they used to write it with. I’ll give you a hint: it rhymes with group. That’s right, we’re teaching a bunch of poop writing savages.
Please help me hate my job less. There are only so many prescriptions for Xanax I can legally obtain. Just kidding. Except that I’m not kidding at all.
So tell kids that they’re gonna have to crap their pants. I don’t care. These little buttholes can SUFFER for all I care. Don’t @ me I’m pissed and I am not dealing with Superintendent Fury on this one.
Also we’re all going for drinks on Friday and if anyone decides he is too good to come (COUGH BUCKY) I’m gonna write about your weight on the bathroom wall. That’s right. Everyone’s gonna know about your thicc thighs.
In the spirit of education and not wanting to do my job,
Tony Stark
Dean of Students
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FROM: Thor Odinson [email protected]
TO: Bucky Barnes [email protected]
SUBJECT: new deks
Staff if you need any new desks please let me know you can readch me by cell or through email at todisonfdrhsorg
Thor Odinson
Head Custodian
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FROM: Bucky Barnes [email protected]
TO: Thor Odinson [email protected]
SUBJECT: RE: new deks
Hey Thor,
You sent this to only me. Did you mean to send it to the whole staff? Let me know if I can help.
Bucky Barnes
History Teacher
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FROM: Thor Odinson [email protected]
TO: Bucky Barnes [email protected]
SUBJECT: RE: new deks I didn’t mean to send it only to you how do i send it to everyone i dont use email very often i usually just talk to people in person
J
Thor Odinson
Head Custodian
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FROM: Bucky Barnes [email protected]
TO: Thor Odinson [email protected]
SUBJECT: All Good
Stop by my classroom when you get a chance, I’ll help you out.
Bucky Barnes
History Teacher
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FROM: Thor Odinson [email protected]
TO: All Staff
SUBJECT: New Desks
Good afternoon,
If anyone needs new desks, please let me know and I’ll be happy to bring them! Happy Thursday!
Q>
Thor Odinson
Head Custodian
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FROM: Phil Coulson [email protected]
TO: All Staff
SUBJECT: New Staff Member
Hello all,
First, I would like to thank the teachers who have so graciously stepped up to temporarily fill out vacant history teacher slot. This was an unfortunate circumstance in which the former teacher needed to be removed as quickly as possible. A special thanks to the head of the history department, Bucky Barnes, for helping organize these temporary solutions. We know this went on longer than anticipated. Those who have been helped will find a $10 Starbucks gift card in their boxes. Enjoy!
We are happy to announce that Steve Rogers will be filling the position previously held by Brock Rumlow. Steve Rogers comes to us with lengthy experience in the workforce as well as a history of mentoring youths. He will be an excellent asset to our Panthers team!
Steve’s first day will be this Monday. If you see him, please give him a warm FDR welcome!
With great admiration,
Phil Coulson
Principal
—
“Did you know about this?”
Bucky glanced up from his computer, frowning. “You’re gonna have to be a little more specific than that.”
“Open your email right now,” Natasha Romanov said impatiently. “You’ll know it when you see it. I’m actually honored that I get to see your reaction in real time. I wish I had some popcorn.”
“Okay, shh,” Bucky said impatiently, waving a hand at her. Shaking her head, Natasha slid into the desk directly in front of Bucky, taking a long drink from her heavily-stickered hydroflask and gratefully dropping her enormous (and clearly very heavy) purse on the ground.
Bucky opened the email. Bucky read. Bucky squinted. Bucky frowned. Bucky read it again. Bucky huffed. Bucky sat back in his chair. Bucky pushed his hands over his face.
Bucky groaned loudly enough to wake the dead.
“I was right,” Natasha said emphatically, unable to keep a tone of excitement out of her voice. “You didn’t know.”
“Of course I didn’t know. This is Phil we’re talking about,” Bucky said into his hands.
“So you didn’t sit in on any interviews? Did you even know they had anyone in mind?” Natasha asked eagerly.
“Okay, chill out, you insufferable vulture,” Bucky groaned. “This is not fun for all of us.”
“Lengthy experience in the workforce?? What does that even mean??”
“It means that last week, my guy was probably wearing a blue vest and asking people if he can see their receipts as they left Walmart,” Bucky muttered. “Some days I really hate this stupid school.”
“How could you possibly hate this school? There’s a $10 gift card to Starbucks with your name on it.”
“Great point,” Bucky drawled. “This guy is gonna get eaten alive. What do you want to bet that he has zero teaching experience?”
“But Bucky! He has mentored the youths! The youths! He can absolutely handle a class of twenty-two of the biggest shitbags he’s ever met in his life. Speaking of which, was Bobby a total pill for you today or does he just hate me?”
“Oh no, Bobby was about to get himself chucked out the window today,” Bucky grunted. “He spent the entire period trying to get a laser pointer directly on my butthole. Everyone in the class was literally telling him to stop, but he kept trying to highlight exactly where my asshole was. And when I asked him what he was doing, he had the audacity to say–”
”I didn’t even do anything!” Natasha huffed in an impression so accurate you could almost smell the Axe.
“You’re way too good at that. I just got PTSD,” Bucky snorted. “God. When can I retire? Is it now? Please say it’s now.”
“I think you’ve got another thirty years to go, buddy,” Natasha drawled.
“This is going to be horrible,” he sighed, leaning back in his chair. “I’ve worked so hard to get this stupid program to work. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful that Brock ‘Bully’ Rumlow got the boot, but I thought that they would… but I guess I should have known. This is FDR High, after all.”
“Go Panthers,” Natasha deadpanned.
“Rawr,” Bucky said flatly.
“It’ll probably be fine. Tony will be an asshole to him and make him at least implement some kind of classroom management. And, not to sound like an optimist or anything else equally embarrassing, but there is the smallest, tiniest, most microscopic possibility that he might actually be a good teacher.”
“Yeah. Sure there is. Or, more likely, I’ll end up having to babysit yet another incompetent piece of crap, and the kids will come to me their junior year unable to find Africa on a map.”
“I’m not a betting woman, but…”
“Yeah. Happy Friday to me.”
“Happy Friday to all of us,” Natasha corrected. “You coming for drinks?”
“I can’t. I’m swamped. I have to see for myself how many different ways you can defiantly misspell Tanzania despite the fact that every electronic device in existence has spell check,” Bucky sighed. “Tell Tony he’s welcome to graffiti theories about the thickness of my thighs.”
“Okay,” Natasha said, picking up her bag. “I’ll let you be a boring piece of crap. Consider it an early Christmas gift.”
“So generous. Not as generous as a $10 gift card to Starbucks, but it’s up there.”
“Have a good weekend, Barnes.”
“You too, Romanov.”
Natasha gave him a small salute before she left. Bucky turned to read the email one more time.
Steve Rogers.
Jesus. This poor guy.
Most people didn’t have what it takes to be a teacher, but most people didn’t have to find that out.
Trial by fire? More like trial by flamethrower.
Bucky pulled the pile of essays towards himself and rested assured in the fact that there was a cold beer, leftover Chinese, and episodes of Breaking Bad waiting for him at home.
Hey, whatever gets you through the day, right?