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It was almost Christmas and almost time for bed, but Sophie was restless. She wasn’t with her moms tonight. They were off doing important grownup Queen business. Sophie was with her Auntie Lenore, or more specifically she was with her Auntie Lenore’s pet Hector because Auntie Lenore was also busy with important grownup Queen business.
This was fine by Sophie’s standards because Hector was fun to play with!
“Let’s play dog groomers!” Sophie yelled with excitement as she ran into Hector’s forge.
Hector had been zoning out, but the sight of a small child running at him with a pair of gardening shears made him alert, “ECKKK!” he screamed, causing Sophie to burst out laughing.
“Why don’t you put down the gardening shears and we can do something more fun?”
“Like what?”
“I will tell you a Christmas story.”
“Ok.”
“Once upon a time there was a town called Castletown where everyone likes Christmas and Halloween, and where there was a little girl named Sophie Lou. She lives with her mommy's Striga Lou and Morana Lou. Next door were their friends and neighbors Lenore love and heroic Hector. They all had much fun and games during Christmas time!"
“Sophie’s family and friends all sat around their Christmas tree exchanging gifts,” Hector said, then he did his best to make up different voices for every character in the story.
"Merry Christmas Morana Lou,” Striga Lou exclaimed, “I bought you a new whip!"
"Merry Christmas Striga Lou,” Morana Lou said, “I bought you a bread maker!"
"Merry Christmas Lenore love,” heroic Hector said heroically, “I bought you a parrot!"
"Merry Christmas heroic Hector,” Lenore love said, “I got you a sexy maid outfit!” she giggled, “Go on then, put it on-”
“No! Not here!” Morana Lou said sternly, “I don’t care if it’s Christmas! Nobody wants to see that! You do that back at your house-”
Sophie interrupted Hector’s story to comment, "This sounds an awful lot like Christmas last year"
"Well it's not,” Hector replied, “Sophie Lou got a PS5 for Christmas!”
“YAY!” Sophie cheered.
Hector continued the story, “Anyway, above Castletown stood a castle where the most meanest, grumpy, nasty, and ugly person in Castletown you could ever meet lived, Carmilla!"
“Bah humbug!” Carmilla groaned as she smashed another object in her lair, “Boo hiss!” she seethed as she flipped a table, “I hate Christmas and fun, and people having fun, the people of Castletown, happy smiles make me sick! Their friendliness is quite annoying! Their love for each other drives me to drink!” She downed a glass of wine and then smashed it on the floor, “No one gives me sexy maid outfits or a PlayStation 5!"
Sophie interrupted again, "Wait a minute. They're giving Christmas gifts before Christmas?"
"Uh… It's a… local custom,”
“Local where?”
Hector put out his arms for Sophie to get into, “New York I think.”
“What part of New York?” Sophie asked as Hector began to carry her out of his forge and through the castle to her room, which was much bigger than his, “that sounds weird.”
“...Upstate.”
“They didn’t do that when my moms took me to Utica.”
“...it’s an Albany thing.”
“Ok.”
“Anyway,” Hector went back to telling the story, “Christmas Eve that year Camilla decided she'd had enough! She is so bitter and jealous and mean and nasty, if she can't have Christmas no one can!"
“I am so bitter and Jealous!” Carmilla seethed, “I'm going to ruin everyone's Christmas by stealing all their Christmas gifts! And their Christmas trees! And their Christmas booze! So no one will have any fun because I'm a rotter and a horrible person!"
Sophie interrupted again, “But surely the people of Castletown reached out to Camilla and tried to include her?”
“I was just about to get to that,” Hector said, “They tried, and don't call me Shirley!” He resumed telling the story again, “Morana Lou, Striga Lou and Little Sophie Lou went up to invite Camilla to come have Christmas with them.”
"Camilla, come have Christmas with us!” Striga Lou said, “I baked you some bread.”
Sophie Lou held up a toy, "I made you a doll, Carmilla!"
Morana Lou held up a keg, “And I brewed you some moonshine"
“Your gifts suck!” Carmilla yelled as she slapped all of their gifts out of their hands, “GO AWAY!"
"Then what happened?” Sophie asked.
“She put on her tacky red dress, got a sleigh, and got César the dog (who she stole from heroic Hector) to pull the sleigh and robbed every house in Castletown! She stole all of their Christmas gifts and Christmas trees and Christmas booze!”
Hector began singing to the tune of “You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch”
“You’re a mean one, Miss Carmilla.
You’re a sinister, sadistic, sapphic, seductress that wants to castrate me
You’re a mean one, Miss Carmilla
You’re a lying, lethal, lecherous, lowdown lady
That steals candy from babies
You’re a mean one, Miss Carmilla.
Your heart is non-existent, your brain is sick and twisted
You’re a vengeful, vindictive, voyeuristic, villainous, vampiress
You’re a mean one, Miss Carmilla
You beat me up for my birthday, stole my dog on Valentine’s Day, pushed me down the stairs on Easter, and kick me in the balls every Thanksgiving.
You’re a mean one, Miss Carmilla.
You are corrupt, craven, controlling, condescending, creepy.
You turn young women into monsters, prolong my purgatory, even hell won't have you
You’re the bane of my existence
You’re an absolute bitch! Miss Carmilla!
“You’re a mean one, Miss Carmilla!” Sophie was singing along, then remembered she was supposed to be hearing a story, “Wait? Where were we again??”
“Ah yes,” Hector got back to the story, “Camilla came to the very last house to rob it. The house was little Sophie Lou's house! And little Sophie Lou had stayed up late to give Christmas Dracula his blood and cookies!”
“Who?" Sophie squinted in confusion.
“You know,” Hector answered, “Christmas Dracula,” how’d Sophie not know about him? “The friendly old vampire man who brings gifts and stakes to impale humans, to all the good little vampires and vampiresses.”
"Oh! You mean Dick Head?"
"WHAT?!"
"Dick Head, Auntie Carmilla is always going on about him, Dick Head stole my book idea! Dick has too many movies about him! Dick head is old and stupid! Why did Lisa marry that Dick head when I’m right here?"
"No he’s not! Christmas Dracula is nice and he’ll be bringing you gifts and fun stakes to impale humans with! Anyway, Sophie Lou saw Carmilla steal all the Christmas gifts, the Christmas tree, and Christmas booze for her family's Christmas. Little Sophie Lou then looked Camilla in the eye and gave her a gift she had made for her mothers.”
"I see you just take gifts,” Little Sophie Lou said, “No one has ever given you one. You’ve been blinded by your own greed. You’ve forgotten that Christmas is supposed to be about family and fun.” She held out the present she made for her moms towards Carmilla, “Take my gift and remember what Christmas used to be."
They had arrived at Sophie’s room. Sophie was so focused on the story she didn’t even realize Hector was beginning to tuck her into bed.
“And then Camilla was so touched she put everything back and then she spent Christmas with them and lived happily ever after?" Sophie asked with wide eyes, thinking she’d figured out the rest of the story.
"Hell no,” Hector said flatly, "Carmilla decided to kidnap little Sophie Lou and Lenore love who was home next door at the time. Lenore love saw everything through the kitchen window. Carmilla had to kidnap her so Lenore love wouldn't be able to turn her in to the cops!"
"I’ve been busted!” Carmilla proclaimed, “I won’t go back to prison! I will kidnap this little brat and the nosy neighbor and lock them up in my dungeon OH HO HO HO! ”
"Oh no.” Sophie said, “Is this gonna end badly?”
"Don’t forget, little Sophie Lou was very smart! She made a hole in Carmilla’s big sack of ill gotten gifts. Presents fell out of the sack and left a trail leading straight to Carmilla’s castle. An angry mob led by heroic Hector went to confront her"
“Give me back my daughter!” Morana Lou yelled, “And our booze, and our Christmas gifts! You can keep the trees! I don’t care that much about the trees!"
"Yeah what she said" Striga Lou shouted.
“Oh Hector save me!" Lenore cried from behind the castle walls.
"Don't come any closer,” Carmilla shouted out the window, “or I will burn down this castle and all of Castletown! OH HO HO HO! "
Heroic Hector then engaged in a sword fight on top of a burning castle with Carmilla. He put up a heroic fight but Carmilla’s skills with a katana had him in trouble. Heroic Hector thought he was done for, but then little Sophie Lou saved the day!
Little Sophie Lou, who was very smart, used a hair clip to pick her locks and escape the dungeons with Lenore love. When they got to the top of the burning castle and saw what peril heroic Hector was in little Sophie Lou tore Carmilla’s tacky dress, exposing her ugly ass to everyone. Carmilla then died of embarrassment.
“NOOOOO!” Carmilla cried, “I am so embarrassed! Everyone can see my ugly ass.”
Then she died of embarrassment.
"Ha ha! I, Sophie Lou, have saved the night!" Sophie Lou triumphantly proclaimed as the mob cheered.
"And that is why true love conquers all!" heroic Hector proclaimed, hand in hand with Lenore love.
“And so Sophie, Lou Morana Lou, Striga Lou, Lenore love and of course, heroic Hector went and had a lovely Christmas. They never had to worry about Carmilla stealing Christmas ever again. The end. What did you think of that Christmas story Sophie?"
Sophie had fallen asleep.
"Merry Christmas Sophie.”
The door creaked open. Hector turned his head, “Oh Carmilla!,” he whispered nervously, “What a surprise! You didn’t-”
Carmilla grabbed Hector by the collar and flung him down the spiral staircase, “I’LL SHOW YOU HOW MEAN AND NASTY I CAN BE!”
“AHHHHHHH!!” Hector screamed as he fell in circles down the stairs, “MEEEEEEERRY CHRIIIIIISTMAAAAAS TO AAAAAAAAALL”
“And to all a goodnight!” Carmilla said, then swooped down, her heel landing on Hector’s ass a split second after he finally hit the floor, “Except for this fucking idiot!”
The End