Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Claire's pov

Claire put on a tight-lipped smile as she walked into the briefing room where the others were already sitting around the table, chatting about upcoming surgeries. She wasn’t late, but had barely made it on time, everything taking her a little more time as the pain in her ankle made it hard to walk.

“You’re late.” Morgan’s voice was sharp as her eyes fell on Claire. “Good morning to you too”, Claire huffed as she slid into the empty chair, ignoring the blonde’s observing gaze on her. “And I am not late.”

“She’s right. It’s 7:28 and the briefing starts at 7:30″, Shaun piped up and Claire smiled at him. “Thank you, Shaun.” She shot Morgan a glare before glancing at the papers on the table.

“Yeah, but usually Claire is here much earlier. So something must have happened.” Morgan narrowed her eyes at her as she considered what could have caused her to show up this late.

Claire rolled her eyes, catching Alex’ eye who listened with an amused smile on his face. Clearly, he wouldn’t be any help.

“Oh, let me guess, a hot date?”

Claire didn’t have time to reply as the door opened and Neil stepped into the room. His eyes fell on her immediately and she had the feeling he had heard Morgan’s words. His jaw seemed a little clenched and his brow slightly arched as he looked down at her.

She felt her cheeks going red as she glared at Morgan. “It wasn’t a hot date”, she hissed, causing the blonde to smile even wider. “So you admit that something happened”, she pointed out and Claire let out a defeated sigh.

Sometimes she thought of Morgan and her as some sort of friends. But in situations like these she only felt annoyed at her obstinacy.

Claire stayed mostly silent throughout the meeting, trying to distract herself from the way her stomach twisted whenever she felt Neil’s eyes on her.

Since Morgan’s complaint he had been distant. Although he had claimed he wasn’t abandoning her and there for her to talk to in the hospital, it still felt to her like he was. Another betrayal.

She missed their friendship, the joy it had brought her, taking her thoughts of everything that had happened in the past weeks. He had understood her in ways no one else had before. Had been her voice of reason, offering his advice and showing her perspectives she hadn’t considered before.

Now he was avoiding her, sneaking glances at her to try to determine what she was feeling instead of talking to her about it. She would have been angry, if it wouldn’t hurt so much.

When her mother had died, she had felt utterly alone. The first weeks had been the worst. She had tried to drown the feeling in alcohol, tried to make herself feel anything else besides guilt, anger and pain by hooking up with strangers. She had begun to lose herself.

Morgan had noticed, but she had given up on her after a while.

Then Neil had showed up. It had begun with his hand on her shoulder, a simple touch to show her he was there for her, that she wasn’t alone in her pain.

Suddenly he had been everywhere. He had really seen her, had talked to her, pushing until she admitted that perhaps she wasn’t okay.

Losing him had been worse than the first days after the accident. She had gotten a taste of what it was like to be his friend, to be someone he cared about, but then he had pushed her away.

She knew it hurt him too, but if it pained him as much as her, he would have been back in her life by now.

He hadn’t given up on her, Claire tried to remind herself, but he had given up on them. And for some reason knowing that she felt even more lonely than before.

But Claire was familiar with burying her feelings inside of her, locking them away to deal with later. To deal with on her own like she had always been forced to.

So she listened, focused on her breathing to distract herself from the growing hurt in her chest and the painful memories and spoke only when necessary.

She would be on Melendez case today. Morgan would be too. It would be a tough day.

-

They were walking through the hospital halls heading to see their patient. Morgan was talking to Neil about an article she had read on a ground-breaking treatment for pancreatitis, and it took all in Claire not to roll her eyes at her obvious bootlicking. How did Neil put up with it so easily and why didn't it bother him? Did he secretly enjoy it?

Asking herself those questions hurt, but it distracted her from the pain in her ankle.

She was going on runs alone now since Neil had told her he couldn't see her outside of the hospital anymore. Claire had been a runner before, but running with Neil by her side had been a very different experience.

She missed his presence, their banter and competition. Running to her music didn't feel the same.

It was what hurt the most. She had been content with her life before the accident, not exactly happy but she had been fine with how things were. Then he had entered her life and showed her that life could be so much more than that. He had introduced color into her black and white world.

But in the end he had left her and had taken all the newfound joy with him. She had gotten a taste of a better life, had begun to take it for granted, but now she was stuck in her sorrow again.

And worse, now her old life wasn't enough anymore. Now she knew what she was missing.

Though her runs weren't the same, she did enjoy the feeling of freedom they offered her. Running until her legs were burning and her lungs were on fire required all her mental focus, allowing her to stop thinking about him or her mother's death for a while.

When she ran it was easier to pretend she was okay. She sometimes even believed it herself. But eventually she would be back in her grief. The runner’s high only lasted so long.

The weather had been extra challenging yesterday. After a few sunny days, giving her the taste of spring, it had turned cold again.

The light rain she had shrugged off when starting her run had turned into a heavy downpour, soaking her to the bone and blinding her vision.

Claire had still been determined to keep going and finish her run. Her clothes had been sticking to her skin and her hair pressed damp against her face, so it was too late anyway.

But she had never been able to finish her run as she had suddenly slipped on the wet pavement, her ankle twisting causing her to lose her balance and fall.

Hitting the ground had been a shock, but fortunately she hadn't hurt herself. Still the tears had sprung to her eyes as a burning pain shot through her ankle.

She had sat there for a moment, too scared to put weight on her foot again, debating her choices. She hadn’t been far from her apartment, but it had felt impossible to make it there on her own.

She had considered calling someone, but no name in her contact list seemed like an appealing choice.

Especially one had caught her attention, but he had made it clear he could only be there for her in the hospital and she had too much pride to tell him about her situation.

As if she wasn't capable on her own. She didn't need him, she had told herself. She would make it on her own like she always had.

The park had been empty, people hiding in the comfort of their homes or seeking shelter elsewhere. She had been on her own.

So Claire had gotten up, wobbling a little and biting her lip as the pain in her ankle grew.

She had to get home quickly, so she could put ice on it and prop it up, but she also had to be careful not to put too much weight on it.

After what felt like an eternity, she had made it home.

Getting out of her wet clothes had been another challenge, but eventually she had made it through a hot shower, relaxing on the couch as she peeked at her swollen ankle, pillows placed under it to elevate it.

There was no way she could go to work like this, but tomorrow would be her day off, so she still had a whole day for it to get better.

That's what Claire had told herself as she hurried to work again, barely making it on time.

Her ankle still hurt when she shifted her weight onto it, so she began to limp whenever she was alone. But in the hospital she had to pretend she was okay, had to grit her teeth and push through the pain.

She told herself she had done this before. Multiple times. Forcing smiles should be second nature for her now. But it seemed physical pain was different from what she was used to.

She would have thought it was easier to ignore, but she had been wrong.

Hurrying alongside Morgan and Neil proved to be a cruel experience, so when Claire caught side of the women’s restroom, she used the opportunity to tell them she would catch up to them.

Neil arched his brow at her, but he didn't say anything.

The moment Claire stepped into the room, relieved to find it empty, she let her guard down, grimacing in pain.

Slowly she limped to the stalls, locking herself into one as she moved up the hem of her scrubs to get a look at her ankle.

It was still a little swollen, but apart from that it looked fine. Normal. Creating the illusion that the pain couldn't be so bad.

Claire pushed her trousers back down, leaning against the cold wall behind her as the exhaustion caught up with her. She closed her eyes, letting out a long breath as she tried to distract herself from the excruciating pain.

She had made it through the first hour already. Only a few more to go. A bitter laugh escaped her at her desperate attempt to convince herself she would be fine.

She would be, if they spend the day stuck at their desks doing research. But hurrying through the hospital halls from patient to patient or standing through an hourlong surgery felt impossible to her right now.

Especially because she didn't want anyone to know about her injury.

She wished she had more time to think this through so she could come up with an idea how she could make it through the day without someone noticing she was in pain, but she had to get up again and join Morgan and Neil with their patient or else she would draw attention to herself.

Something she had to advert from happening. She couldn’t risk raising their suspicions or they would see right through her. She hoped the case was interesting enough for Morgan to lose interest in her.

Claire gulped as she got up, clenching her jaw to keep her pain at bay as she walked through the hospital floors. When she finally reached the right corridor, she saw Morgan and Neil leaving the patient’s room. She was too late.

They were talking to each other, but when she neared them, Neil looked up, the same subtle frown on his face she had seen earlier. Morgan followed his line of sight, a pleased expression settling on her face as she saw her.

“You missed the good part”, she declared. “Dr. Melendez will perform a Carotid endarterectomy on the patient this afternoon. He needs someone to assist him and someone to research the aftercare options for the family.” She wore a bright smile and Claire sighed. “Let me guess, you’re going to be the one assisting.”

“Bingo. Shame you missed it.” Her smile was so wide that Claire felt the urge to wipe it of her face. Whenever Morgan and her got closer, the blonde gave her another reminder that they were competitors above anything else. She would always choose her job, her career over her friends.

Claire respected that, but it didn’t mean she wasn’t annoyed by her snarky comments and whenever she acted like she was above them all, which was the case the majority of the time.

She herself was used to being underestimated, to people walking all over her because she wore her heart on her sleeve, but every once in a while, she felt the sudden urge to push back. “Actually I don’t mind the paperwork”, she announced confidently, causing Morgan’s smile to fade.

She narrowed her eyes at her, trying to determine whether Claire was serious. But it was true. Morgan had given her the perfect excuse to spend the day sitting at a desk on her own. She couldn’t have thought of a better way to make it through the day.

Claire felt a triumphant smile spread over her face, empowered by Morgan’s incomprehension and the relief she felt facing the rest of the day.

Chapter Text

Neil's pov.
-

Neil was standing next to the two, going back between looking at Morgan and Claire. He was considering if he should step in or not, but he was used to his residents bantering and didn’t mind their competition as long as it didn’t get in the way of their job performance.

He was just as surprised by Claire’s remark as Morgan, but felt an odd sense of pride at her fierce words. He knew she had a big heart and tried to please everyone around her, putting them before her own wellbeing. Speaking up and not letting Morgan get to her was good for her. Not just as a doctor, but in every aspect of her life.

But her words had another effect on him. They confirmed his suspicion that something was off. Something had happened, which had affected Claire more than she let on. Maybe it had been something her therapist had said to her or her nightmares had been returning.

Either way he didn’t know. And he would never know. Claire wouldn’t tell him. Not anymore.

The thought that something had left her upset and he didn’t know what it was filled him with unease. But he had been the one to put distance between them. He couldn’t keep her at arm’s length, scared by his own feelings, and expect her to trust him enough to open up to him at the same time.

Hadn’t he told her he couldn’t be that person for her anymore? He had made up an excuse, had reasoned she could still talk to him in the hospital, but they had both known it wasn’t an option. They were professionals at work and there was no place for bringing up feelings.

He had pushed her away and now he had to live with the guilt and regret that came with it.

But he was doing it for them. He wanted to protect them from the fallout that came with such a relationship. The favouritism complaint had been his wake-up call. He couldn’t continue to pursue their friendship, or whatever their relationship had become at this point, without risking their reputations. And he knew it would be worse for her than for him.

He could get in trouble, because he was her boss. But if it came down to it, he knew Claire would have his back. She would insist it had been mutual and he would be off the hook. But she herself, not so much.

She was a woman, a young doctor on a career path in a field still dominated by men. Her reputation would be ruined. Every success would be traced back to him, would be blamed on her relationship with someone in a higher position. They would gush about that too, figuring she was only using him for her own good. Sleeping with the boss to help her career.

It didn’t matter how far from the truth the rumours were, didn’t matter if they both claimed not to care about them, because in the end they would weight on them. On her.

And the rumours had already started.

Even if Claire told him she didn’t care about them, he knew her better than to believe that. She cared deeply, even if she couldn’t admit it to herself.

And she was a talented doctor already, a brilliant surgeon. She had a bright future ahead of her. He wouldn’t stand in the way of that, couldn’t forgive himself if he did.

But there was another thought holding him back. Neil had gotten his heart broken two times in the last years. He had moved on, had pretended he was fine until he didn’t have to pretend any longer.

Because he had finally seen her.

A part of him knew there had been something between them from the very beginning. A spark whenever they bantered. At first it had been fun to mess with her, but she had quickly found her confidence around him, challenging him in ways he wasn’t used to. It drew him in even more.

When he saw the way she cared for her patients, the natural compassion she felt for them, he was in awe. Claire wasn’t the tough and hard surgeon one was used to in the medical field. Her weapon, her gift was empathy. Her will to fight for her patients was rooted in her caring nature, not in her own interests.

But she was his resident. Out of reach in many ways. Pursuing a relationship with Audrey was far more realistic. He had liked her, enjoyed their playful conversations and her sass. He admired her for it and it had hurt when things had ended.

But he had grown to realize it had been for the best. They were better off as friends. Their relationship had been another way of distracting himself from his thoughts circling back to someone else.

He hadn’t seen it then, but the more time he spend with Claire, the more clarity he gained. She had always been different, and he had always seen it. He had told her she was special and he had meant it, the words coming to him without a second thought, yet the possibility of them never occurred to him.

He had fallen in love with her. He couldn’t trace it back to the exact moment he had known. It had been an unconscious process, a loop of realization, pushing his feelings aside and lying to himself.

He thought that if he kept on pretending he wasn’t in love with her, it would become his reality. It had worked before. But it didn’t. He loved her like he hadn’t loved anyone in a long time, so much that it scared him.

Claire had been through so much. Could he risk putting her through more? Wasn’t he trying to help her through all the hurt she had experienced, promising himself to protect her from more if he could?

Keeping distance between them while claiming he was doing it for her own good gave him an excuse to deny his feelings. This way he didn’t have to confront them.

He was pretending until he hopefully wouldn’t have to pretend anymore.

But watching her suffer, an invisible weight on her shoulders yet knowing he had given up his right to be there for her made him want to give in.

Could this be the solution, if it hurt both of them so much? Could it be the right call, if it felt so wrong?

“I knew something was up! Who would prefer paperwork over assisting an operation? Not even St. Claire, sorry but no!”

Morgan’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts and he looked at Claire, curiously awaiting her response. She tensed visibly, a growl escaping her. “I told you not to call me that!”

He could feel the tension between them, ready to step in to avoid a fight. He preferred to stay out of it most of the time, but he couldn’t let a potential conflict distract them from doing their job.

“The research is a vital part of it as well. It will help the family to take care of the patient afterwards. The surgery won’t matter, if the aftercare isn’t managed correctly”, Claire argued and he had to force the smile back. She had a point there, he had to give her that.

Morgan let out a huff. “Sure, if it makes you feel better.” With a sweep of her hair she marched off, leaving the two of them alone. They stared after her in silence for a moment before Neil turned towards Claire.

Since he had turned her down in the bar that night- her last attempt to convince him he didn’t have to give up their friendship because a favouritism complaint had been made- things had been a little awkward between them. Gone was the effortlessness, the light atmosphere that accompanied their conversations.

There were a million things we wanted to say to her, starting by asking her if she was okay and what had happened to cause her to act despite herself today to playful comments that she had claimed to find paperwork so important.

But he didn’t say any of it, hesitant of her reaction as she looked at him wearily. The same hurt was in her eyes, since the moment he had told her he couldn’t spend time with her anymore. The same disappointment.

“So paperwork huh?” He raised his brow at her curiously, anxiously waiting for her reaction. Claire shrugged, and he wondered what she would have said if they weren’t standing in the middle of the hospital, him being her boss right now.

He allowed himself to smile at her. “I’m not buying it”, he announced, his words bringing him back to the moment they had shared during one of their runs, where Claire had told him what she would do, if she only had a few months left to live.

He saw the surprise in her eyes and the signs that she thought back to the moment too. Suddenly uncertain about himself, he turned around and left, but not before giving her a wink.

All of his effort to distance himself, yet he couldn’t resist flirting with her.

Chapter Text

Claires pov
---

Claire watched Neil walk away, her cheeks warm from the blush that had filled them. Had he just winked at her or had she imagined it?

She was fairly sure the pain was clouding her judgement, but she hadn’t imagined the gesture. How could he give up their friendship- or whatever it was that had evolved between them- and then joke with her so casually?

And his words had woken something in her.

They had transported her back to the evening they had gone on one of many runs. She could still remember the encounter so clearly, because it was the first time she had realized how easily she could talk to him.

She had noticed before how much she enjoyed talking to Neil and that she seeked to hear his opinion. But during that night she had opened up to him about things she had never considered were even on her mind.

The words had come out of her without a filter, and it had felt freeing to get them off her chest.

And she had learned another thing that night: How well he knew her by now. "I’m not buying it”, he had told her and it had dawned on her that perhaps he knew her so well by now, he knew her better than she knew herself in some aspects.

He showed her parts of herself she hadn’t seen before, and spending time with him had become more than getting to know him. It felt like she finally got to know herself in a sense too, as she was discovering hidden parts of herself she hadn’t come across before.

Now she was left staring after him in wonder, a small smile spreading on her face. She bit her lip, pushing it back and forcing a nonchalant expression on her face as she headed to the break room to work on the research.

-

Claire had been so buried in the research that she had missed lunch break with the others. Or at least that was what she told herself as her stomach churned, her eyes drifting to the clock.

She would still be on time, if she hurried to the cafeteria. But the throbbing in her ankle reminded her rushing through the hospital wasn’t a good idea and the persisting pain made her a little cranky.

Besides, she wasn’t eager to spend time with Morgan and be under the watchful eyes of the others.

Alex was a former cop, so he was trained to pick up on details and subtle hints and Shaun was always observing people and analysing their behaviour. She would be better off staying here.

The sound of the door opening caused her to look up, her body tensing as she saw Neil entering the room. He was dressed in his scrubs, his hair a little dishevelled from wearing his surgical cap. Claire liked the way it gave him a softer touch, making her wonder what he looked like when he had just woken up.

She swallowed. She shouldn’t have those thoughts over her boss.

“Shouldn’t you be in the cafeteria?”, he asked, his eyes wandering to his watch. Claire shrugged. “I’m not hungry. Shouldn’t you be there too?” He imitated her shrug. “Didn’t feel like it today. I might go to that food truck down the street.”

She nodded, her eyes darting back to the screen in front of her since she didn’t know what else to say. “Making progress?” Neil came to stand behind her, peeking over her shoulder so he could get a look at the screen. A shiver went down her spine, but Claire pulled herself together.

“Yeah. I decided to give them multiple options so they could choose the one which they can adapt to their life the best and I also searched for some rehab facilities in their area.”

Neil stepped beside her, angling his head so he could look at her. “You didn’t have to do that”, he noted surprised, his brows raised at her. Claire pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. Why was he making her nervous again? “I wanted to.”

Neil looked at her a second longer, an intensity in his eyes that made her want to break eye contact and get lot in his eyes at the same time. She waited for him to say something, but his eyes flickered to her lips before he gulped and turned away.

Disappointment filled her, but Claire didn’t let it show. “Why are you hiding in here?” His question caught her off-guard and her heart picked up its speed as he turned towards her again, a frown on his face.

"That’s not- I-” she stammered, but he shook his head, pulling out the chair next to her so he could sit in front of her. “Come on, you really think I believe you’re so eager to do paperwork?”, he argued and Claire crossed her arms, suddenly feeling defensive.

“Oh, so now you know what I want?” Neil drew his brows together, his jaw clenching at her remark. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Claire let out a sigh. “Nothing it’s just-” She bit her tongue, careful not to say something she might regret later. There were so many things she wanted to say to him, but accusations wouldn’t help her feel better. And they wouldn’t change things between them for the better.

So Claire decided on a different strategy. “You have been avoiding me”, she stated. Neil’s jaw twitched suspiciously, but he leaned back in the chair defensively. "I haven’t. Just because we don’t spend time outside of work, doesn’t mean you can’t talk to me anymore. I know something is bothering you.”

Claire took a breath to calm her nerves, feeling caught yet so seen. “It means exactly that, Neil. You can’t expect me to accept the distance between us and at the same time expect me to tell you about my life at work. That’s not how it works.”

She could see the thought that she wouldn’t talk to him anymore didn’t sit well with him, but he had been the one to break off their friendship. It had been his choice and he had to learn to live with the consequences.

Just as she had lost him, he was losing her too.

“Claire...” His voice sounded defeated. He was pleading her to understand, but she shook her head. She couldn’t.

And she couldn’t stay here, in the room with him, the tension heavy in the air.

Closing her laptop shut she got up, leaving the room without another word. Her ankle soared with pain, but it was overpowered by the hurt she felt from their conversation.

Was this how things would be between them from now on?

Chapter Text

Neils pov
-

“Claire wait!” Neil hurried after her, seeing she hadn’t made it far yet. But he frowned when he realized she was limping slightly. When she heard his voice she froze and turned around, but he had already seen what he guessed she had tried to hide.

“You’re limping”, he stated uselessly, stepping closer, his eyes fixed on her ankle. It was covered by the material of her scrubs and he doubted she would allow him a look, but he couldn’t dismiss what he had seen and he needed to know she was okay.

“I didn’t”, Claire objected, crossing her arms over her chest. The gesture only added to his suspicion. “Yes, you did. You’re hurt.” He took another step forward, relieved that she let it happen and didn’t try to put distance between them.

“I’m fine.” Her answer was cut short, her voice determined, but her eyes gave her away. There was relief in them.

Perhaps she was glad her attempt to hide her injury had failed and someone had seen through her. Or she was just glad she didn’t have to pretend any longer.

But why did she think she had to hide it from him?

“You’re not. Now let me take a look at your ankle.” It wasn’t a question, still he looked for her approval. Claire met his eyes, and now he could see the pain in them. It reminded him of the moment on the staircase when he had found her crying.

She had been in constant pain back then, grieving her mother’s death, upset over her relapse, over what her mother had put her through and feeling guilty for her feelings all the same.

He had promised himself then that he would be the one to pull her out of the darkness. He would do anything to see her happy again, to ease her pain so he didn’t have to see her hurting ever again.

It had worked, though he couldn’t give all credit to himself. Claire had worked hard to find her way back, had pushed herself to open up to him and worked through her trauma with her therapist. It hadn’t been easy, but Claire had made it so far already.

She had smiled more often, had laughed and joked around him. She had opened her heart again, even at the risk of having it broken again.

Never had he thought he could be the one to break it.

But the pain was back in her eyes, and he could only blame it partially on her injury.

Claire agreed to his suggestion with a nod, no resistance and no convincing needed. Another sign that told him she had secretly hoped for him to find out the truth.

He walked them back into his office, figuring the beak room would set them at a higher risk of being interrupted. And while they didn't do anything that would count as crossing a line, he had kept away from Claire for a reason and he wouldn't let new rumours ruin it all.

If she noticed he was walking extra slow, glancing her way worriedly, she didn't comment on it. Perhaps she was too focused on moving her ankle in the least painful way.

Since she didn't have to hide her injury anymore, he could see more clearly now that she was limping, not daring to put much weight on her left ankle.

He pulled a chair our for her, waiting for her to take a seat before crouching down in front of her. The position they were in felt intimate in some way, and he had to step into doctor mode to keep his feelings for her at bay.

"Left one", Claire mumbled, something he had already picked up on while observing her. He nodded, carefully pushing up the hem of her scrubs.

He wanted to look at her face, curious to see her reaction. If she experienced the same intimacy he felt.

The thought of their eyes meeting while he moved up her trousers caused him to swallow. He couldn't do that, had to stay professional for her sake. For both of them.

Her ankle looked almost normal to him, no bruising and only slightly swollen. She had taken good care of it. A good sign.

But straining could be painful without any obvious signs.

Neil carefully began to palpate the area, hearing her slightly gasp at the touch. Immediately drawing his hands back, he looked up at her in concern.

"Sorry." Claire bit her cheek, a little embarrassed at her reaction. He could see the frustration in her eyes and he knew her too well by now to figure she was probably thinking she had hidden her pain so well from them all day, why couldn't she hold herself back now.

"How did this happen anyway", he asked to distract her, focusing back on gently touching her ankle. Though honestly, he also really wanted to know.

"I twisted it during a run."

He was surprised by her answer, although he shouldn't have been. Of course Claire was still running. Just because he had decided they couldn't hang out anymore didn't mean she would give up on it.

But it felt weird nonetheless, to imagine her running alone now, doing something that had become their thing without him.

"Did you warm-up properly?", he asked with a smile, another way to distract him from his thoughts of her.

Claire had always made fun of his set warm-up routine. She was more spontaneous in that sense, doing what came to her mind until she felt ready to start her run.

In the beginning she had watched him complete his routine with an amused smirk on her face, but after a while she had joined in and it had become their shared ritual before every run.

He wondered if she was still doing it, or if she had gone back to her old habits. It shouldn't matter to him, but it did. Had she moved on already? Had it been easy for her to return to her own routines or had it been just as painful and weird like it was for him to imagine her running without him?

"Of course I did. Finished the whole programme", Claire commented and he didn't have to look up to know she was rolling her eyes at him.

He smiled a little, but grew serious again as he finished his examination. "It doesn't look too bad, but you should take a few days off and give it some rest."

He stood back up and Claire pulled her scrubs back down, the moment of intimacy over. "Thanks doctor." There was sarcasm in her voice and he realized she knew what he had told her already.

Why had he taken a look at her ankle anyway? Claire was a doctor too. It didn't take an experienced surgeon to examine a twisted ankle. It seemed he had done it more for his own sake than hers, knowing he would sleep better at night if he had seen himself how serious her injury was.

Claire didn't need his help with a minor injury like a strained ankle. Still, hadn't she agreed to it? So it couldn't have been for his own sanity only. She had wanted him to do so, raising the question what this meant for them. For him.

She still trusted him even after what happened between them the past weeks. He should have felt grateful for it, and a part deep inside of him did, but it was overshadowed by feelings of guilt.

"When did this happen?", he asked as he walked across his desk to sit at the other side of it. He didn't like the new distance between them, but figured it was safer if anyone saw them.

Claire frowned, not understanding the relevance of the question but deciding to answer it anyway. "Two days ago", she stated and he considered her words.

Yesterday had been her day off, so she had been able to give her ankle at least a little rest. But if she had gone for a run the day before, it meant she had chosen the day with the worst weather they had in weeks.

He remembered, because he had wanted to spend his evening after finishing work outside. Sometimes he longed for the fresh air he was missing in the sterile hospital halls. He had spent most of the day in the OR and had craved to get outside later.

But to his disappointment it had poured heavily when he finished work and he had decided to take his mind of things at the gym instead.

"You ran during that weather?" His disbelief was evident, but there was respect in his tone too. Claire wasn't one to turn down a challenge, but he hadn't expected her to be willing enough to go for a run during such rain.

He admired her strength and discipline for a moment, but the thought left him with unease as well. Claire was a good runner, someone he could compete with, which already said a lot, but he also knew it wasn't just a fun activity for her.

Running was a coping strategy for her. If life got too heavy, if her emotions threatened to overwhelm her or if she needed a break from her thoughts, she would run to cope with it.

Had she been feeling so low that she was desperate enough to go for a run during such a downpour?

Claire shrugged like it wasn't a big deal, but her cheeks turned the slightest shade of red. She had never been good at taking compliments.

She had told him once her therapist blamed it on her lack of receiving them growing up and it made sense. He had promised himself to compliment her more often since then. As if he could make up for the time she had missed out on them.

Claire was so selfless, kind, brilliant and talented. The thought that she couldn't handle compliments well, often deflected them with sarcasm or redirected the attention elsewhere because she wasn't used to getting them didn’t sit right with him.

She deserved to know how special she was. Deserved people to tell her how beautiful and unique she was.

"It's probably why I slipped", Claire added and he chuckled in amusement. Yet he couldn't help but think she had done it again.

She hadn't been able to stand the respect and admiration in his tone, so she had come up with something to bring herself down and therefore invalidate his respect for her. But he wouldn't call her out on it. Not now.

"Probably", he agreed and they shared a smile for a moment, the atmosphere between them much lighter than before.

"How did you get home afterwards?" The words left his mouth before he could consider their impact. Claire's eyes widened for a split second, before she won back her composure.

"I uhh...I walked?" She sounded so surprised that he even asked that the guilt returned to him. "In the rain after you twisted your ankle?"

She nodded, glancing away from him. He clenched his jaw, furious more at himself than her when he imagined the situation in his head.

"You should have called me." Claire let out a huff, her eyes back on him. "Really? I thought we couldn't see each other outside of work anymore", she challenged and he sighed.

"You still could have called me. Just because we can't hang out doesn't mean I don't care about you anymore."

He was shocked to see the surprise on Claire's face, fading into disbelief. Had she really thought he could just stop caring about her? It couldn’t be farther from the truth.

He cared too much about her. That was why he had stopped spending time with her. Not because he didn’t care.

"I don't get it!" She shook her head, her face filled with a mix of emotions. He could make out anger, frustration and incomprehension along the familiar hurt.

"One day you're telling me we can't spend our free time together anymore, but you are still going to be there for me at work. But then you keep avoiding me here for weeks. And now you're insisting I should have called you when I was hurt?"

He gulped, regret and guilt gnawing on him as he listened to her outburst. "Claire I-"

"No!", she interrupted him. "You hurt me, Neil. You knew what I went through with my mother, how she abandoned me. But then you abandoned me just the same!"

His eyes widened. "I didn't abandon you, Claire!"

"That's exactly what you did. I needed you and you left. Like our...friendship”, she stumbled over the word, but continued with the same determination, “-like it didn't matter to you."

Tears had filled her eyes and he reached out to her on reflex, drawing his hand back when her eyes flickered to the glass door. She was right. Not here.

“It did matter to me. It still does. That’s not why I kept away from you.” He tried to keep his emotions in check. They couldn’t risk getting too emotional. At least one of them had to keep a clear head so they wouldn’t get into a situation they regretted later.

“Then why?” Her voice was faint, wavering slightly as she tried to blink away the tears. He balled his hands into fists, upset at himself that he was the reason she was on the verge of crying.

He had promised himself to take her pain, not add onto it. He never would have thought he could be the person to hurt her, yet here they were. He had tried to protect her, even if it broke his own heart.

Neil let out a desperate sigh. He wanted to tell her the truth more than anything, but he wouldn’t be able to take it back. Once spoken out loud, everything could change between them. Would change.

But he feared that if he wasn’t honest now, he would lose her for good.

He had imagined multiple scenarios in his head regarding how he would tell her. They differed in the way she reacted, the choice of his words, the place they were at.

Now that the day had come, he felt utterly unprepared.

Chapter Text

Claire's pov
-

“Let’s step outside for a moment”, Neil suggested. Claire’s impatience was growing with every passing second he wasn’t giving an answer to her question. Perhaps he would feel freer to talk about what was on his mind, if they weren’t stuck in the hospital, surrounded by glass walls where everyone could be a witness to it.

His eyes fell onto her ankle. “If that’s okay”, he added and she nodded. He watched her get up, cautious to avoid putting weight on it.

She knew he would have supported her, if she asked for it, but she was too proud to do so it was likely he feared she would push him away, if he initiated something on his own.

Still his eyes didn’t leave her frame, alert to be by her side if she needed him to. When he was convinced she was fine, he held the glass door for her, the soft breeze from outside playing with his hair.

The fresh air calmed Claire a little, and the tension escaped her shoulders when she leant against the railing, her gaze fixed on the skyline in front of her.

He joined her, standing next to her like he had done so many times before.

The balcony.

How many moments they had shared here, overlooking the horizon while both deep in thought. She came here whenever she needed to escape the narrow corridors of the hospital, the white walls and blinding lights, responsibility and pressure hanging in the air. Sometimes death too.

Often she would be alone, but sometimes he would join her or she would go out to find him already there. It seemed this was his safe space too, somewhere to escape the chaos of a buzzing emergency room or a tough case.

She had feared to invade his privacy by joining him in the beginning, not wanting to take his secret place to relax away from him by claming it herself, but he never seemed to mind.

They would stand side by side, staring at the sky or the skyline. Sometimes they would talk about what bothered them. Other times they would choose silence, the other persons presence enough to find calmness.

She liked the thought that this would be the place she would finally get the truth from him, no matter the outcome. Here was the place they had begun and here would be the place they would either find their way back to each other or come to an end.

“I am still waiting for an answer”, she reminded him teasingly, hoping to ease the seriousness of the situation while also expressing her need for a response.

Neil gave her the side-eye, pretending to be exhausted by her doggedness. But she could see the glint of amusement in his eyes.

“And I thought Morgan was stubborn.” He imitated a sigh of defeat and Claire chuckled. “You should have known better”, she joked and he grinned. “I should have”, he agreed, the smile fading from his lips when they grew serious again.

“I like you Claire”, he confessed after another moment of silence, turning to her with a grave expression on his face. Claire wrinkled her nose, tilting her head as she processed his words. She didn’t get the big deal he was making out of it or why the words had cost him courage.

“So? I like you too. We’re frien-” She didn’t get to finish her sentence as Neil let out a groan.

“Don’t tell me we’re friends again!” She closed her mouth, stunned by his reaction. “We’re not just friends. At least that’s not what I want when I am with you.”

He paused, probably giving her a second to consider his words before continuing. “I am in love with you Claire. I think I have been for a while now. That’s why I tried to distance myself from you.”

Claire’s eyes widened in shock, her heart picking up its speed as his words sunk in. She had longed to hear these words out of his mouth for a while now, but it had always been nothing more than a faraway dream. A fantasy she could escape into.

When he had distanced himself from her, she had given up hope completely.

But now he was here, looking at her with so much affection in his eyes that she questioned, if he had hidden it so well from her until now or if she had been blind to them all along. Perhaps it was a mixture of both.

“One day, suddenly there was the favouritism complaint. And then Audrey told me I have a real problem. I didn’t get what she meant then, but when I saw you again, I realized she was right; I have feelings for you.”

Neil ran a hand over his face, and Claire could see the tension slowly leaving his body as he confessed the truth to her.

He sounded so sincere that she didn’t doubt his words for a second, yet the possibility of Neil loving her too felt so unreal she had to grip onto the railing to reassure her it was really happening and she wasn’t stuck in a dream.

“But you’re my resident. I’m your boss. I couldn’t just ignore the rumours that had started. We can get in real trouble. And more than that, these rumours have the potential to ruin your career.”

Her career? This was about her future?

“Neil”, she said softly, leaning closer towards him. “We will find a solution for that. But you mean more to me than that.”

His eyes softened, a shimmer of hope flaring in them for a second, before it got replaced by soberness.

“I saw what happened with Dr. Coyle. How he could harass the women working with them, harass you, and get through with it. While your career was threatened, he even got a promotion for his behaviour.”

Claire was surprised by the disgust in his voice and the resentment in his eyes as he spoke. She still remembered the day it had happened so clearly and the days that had followed after, when she had decided to speak up about it and learned he had been promoted.

It had stung to say the least. But it was also a moment in which she had gained clarity. She was furious. She was not willing to allow him to come out as a winner, would fight harder than any other doctor because she was a woman and that meant she had to work twice as hard and prove herself double the amount a male colleague had to.

But she had never talked to Neil about the incident. She had figured he knew about it, since he was her immediate boss and she had reported it to Andrews, his boss at the time and Glassman, the director of the hospital.

Jarred had gotten fired, because he had attacked Coyle in the locker room after shift. Of course he must have been informed about what had happened, but it had never been a topic between them.

That was why she was surprised to hear him bring it up now.

The anger in his eyes told her he hadn’t been indifferent to it at all. Knowing him now, he had likely played a part in moving Coyle to a different department, so she didn’t have to work with him anymore, had supported her in ways she wasn’t aware of.

“But in the end, he paid for it and I am still here.” She wouldn’t sweet talk what had happened or what she had to do to reach this goal, but she also needed to convince him they didn’t have to give up what was between them because of the field they were working in.

“Claire, you told me yourself that it’s harder for women to find a mentor, because they get confronted with rumours. I won’t be the one to ruin your career. You have a bright future ahead of you and it’s my job to teach you to become a great doctor and surgeon. You shouldn’t throw away your potential for-” he stilled and Claire swallowed. “For you?”

He nodded, adverting his eyes from her. They were engulfed in silence as his words ran through her mind.

He wasn’t wrong. A relationship between them would have more consequences for her. He was in a higher position, had a good reputation and career. He was respected by many. And he was a man.

She was still at the start of her career, her future unknown.

But he wasn’t right either. A relationship between them would be harder and include challenges other couples didn’t have to face. But it wasn’t impossible. There were ways they could make this work. There were other couples in similar situations who had made it.

And wasn’t every relationship a challenge? The commitment to another person always came with hardships. That was just a part of life. It laid in the nature of love itself.

He was her best friend and her mentor. She knew they could have fun together and work well as a team at the hospital at the same time. They could mess with each other, joke around and banter, but respected the other, challenge each other’s standpoints and develop ideas together.

Their relationship had been put on test a lot of times already and they had overcome all of them. Not many couples could say the same.

“I am not throwing anything away for you, trust me.” Neil shook his head. “You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into. You might regret it later.”

“But that is my decision to make, not yours.” She tried to keep the emotion out of her voice, knowing it would be easier to convince him if she sounded rational and reasonable.

He looked at her, a conflicted expression on his face. Claire gently placed her hand on his at the railing, her heart nearly missing a beat when she was certain he wasn’t pulling away from her.

“I am choosing you. Us.”

Neil’s eyes flickered to the door, hesitance in his gaze. Claire wondered what he would have done, if they had been somewhere else, where they didn’t have to watch their backs the whole time.

“I might break your heart. I already hurt you once. You deserve better than that.” She could hear a trace of guilt in his tone and it took all in her not to reach out to him. Instead she gently squeezed his hand. “You deserve to be happy.”

She smiled at his words. “That’s a risk I am willing to take. And what if I break yours?” He laughed and she grinned, satisfied to elicit such a sound from him.

“Spending time with you makes me happy”, she added a little quieter and she saw his eyes flicker to her lips before they met hers again.

He wouldn’t kiss her here, she knew that. But he had thought about it, wanted to, and that alone filled her with excitement.

“So”, she looked at him with hope, her heart still hammering in her chest, “you’re giving us a chance?”

He smiled fondly at her. “If you’re sure you want to try”, he ensured and she nodded. “I am.” “Okay then, let’s try.” Her smile was so big her cheeks started to hurt.

Never in a million dreams could she have imagined her day going like this.

Perhaps she had to stop living in her head so much.

“What are we going to do now?” He thought about it for a moment. “We need to go to Lim and Andrews. We will probably have to fill in a lot of paperwork and you will be assigned to another attending until you finish your residency. And I am going to take you on a date”, he announced and she grinned at the last part.

She couldn’t pretend the first part didn’t intimidate her. She didn’t want to give up Neil as her teacher, and she definitely wasn’t looking forward to what Morgan and the others had to say about it. But it would all be worth it, if it meant having Neil with her.

“Still up for it?” She nodded determinately. “As long as you don’t suggest bowling for our first official date.” Neil laughed, raising his brow at her. “You do suck at that”, he pointed out and she laughed, placing her hand on her heart as if he had wounded her with his words.

“I am offended”, she declared with a smile. “What do you have on mind?” He leaned forward, as if he was about to share a secret with her.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”, he whispered, laughing at her shocked expression when he pulled back. Claire punched him lightly in the arm, both of them forgetting where they were for a moment as they enjoyed their playful banter.

“For starters let’s go and talk to Audrey. And tonight I will cook for you while you give your foot some rest.”

Claire smiled at his words, his eagerness not to wait any longer filling her with excitement and nerves. She definitely wasn’t looking forward to the conversation they were about to have, but she had made it through worse and the thought of Neil taking care of her after work made it feel easier.

As they were heading to Lim’s office side by side, Neil matching her slow pace, Claire had to contain her overwhelming joy.

For the first time it felt like they were finally heading into the right direction and she couldn’t wait to find out what their journey would be like.

Her therapist had advised her to open her heart again for someone and Claire couldn’t have been happier with the choice she had made.