Chapter Text
Last Call at Forlini’s
“When you’re ready to stop feeling betrayed by me, I’ll be here.”
The dust at Florini’s had only just begun to settle, along with any possibility of what they might’ve been. It descended and blanketed like snow, snuffing out hope like the fire that once propelled their bond forward. He could feel it the moment she’d walked in that night, disenchantment palpable, he didn’t need to look to see the toxicity that’d manifested. Refusing to be dissuaded, he spoke in defiant reverence everything he wished she’d accept.
But her shields were thrown, defenses tainting the air at their last chance to say goodbye to this place. And so, they’d sat in tense regard, for one final toast, a last goodbye to the place they’d learned eachother. Neither had been looking for the other, nor the safe harbor they discovered. For years they sulked on these barstools clothed in leather, trusting the vintage décor would guard their secrets and harbor the security they’d found here. Forlinis was just a place, but it was the place they felt at home.
It was telling she’d shown at all today, considering her unprecedented ability to hold a grudge. It was a sad metaphor this chapter of their lives was closing, just as he’d wedged a sword between them. He sat and listened to her articulate another round of her own redundant argument. The circular performance was one she’d been reiterating on a loop for months, even knowing he’d have nothing new to add.
He was making promises in the heat of the moment, ones of unconditional love. She was using him as a scapegoat, punishing him for all her insecurities with Stabler. It’d been keeping him awake often the past few months, constantly wondering why he couldn’t be enough. He remained steadfast, albeit by the sidelines, attempting to hold together the fraying edges of their friendship, but he was growing restless.
His translucent eyes shining like a meadow embracing the sun, pleaded with her to see reason. He tried to remind her he wasn’t going to leave, that he was the one who never left. But his intentions fell on deaf ears, and it was clear they were getting nowhere. So, with an audible breath he relinquished his shield, laid his weapons down, and for the second time in their friendship dared to imply they could be something more.
He ventured to remind her of a truth he’d only once illuded to, when he stood at the bottom of those courthouse steps so many Januarys ago. This, however, would not be the same digression as the soliloquy he’d given then. This time, he’d offer her the truth in one concise sentence. And the truth was that quite by accident, and without his consent, he’d gone and fallen recklessly, and hopelessly in love with her.
“I also know what it’s like to love someone, unconditionally.”
Her impending silence a subsequent answer telling him all he needed to know; and so, he gathered his things wondering if this would be the last time, he’d ever said goodbye to her. Because what else could happen when you jump and there’s no one there to catch you? It’s the part of the story left out of romance novels; sparsely touched upon in limericks and rhymes.
What happens when the happily ever after doesn’t come; what becomes of the character? No tears of joy or passionate embraces leaving his fairytale arch in uncharted waters. Standing to leave, he resolved to continue this torturous game of waiting. Waiting for her to work through her feelings and figure out how to let her past go.
Olivia was being offered everything she wanted it just wasn’t coming from Elliot Stabler. And she needed to decide whether her heart would be okay with that.
[A few months later]
They haven’t spoken since,…
The cold breeze blew through the streets, whipping amongst the buildings harshly. The carcasses of maple leaves once amber, disintegrated and now were only muddy shards beneath the shoes of restless New Yorker’s. The hustle of the masses was a little, extra even for the city, signaling it was that time of year again. The holidays were coming, golden displays illuminating the usually florescent white window displays.
Liv shoved her phone in her trench coat, thankful for the reminder of Noah’s banquet next week. The second week of December each year, his school held a massive fundraising event. It was always right before their holiday party. They would have raffles, a bake sale, and other general events for underprivileged kids in the community. Lucia was calling to confirm the amount of treats she was bringing this year, or more accurately, baking this year.
Lucia hadn’t missed a year since Noah’s school started it, four years ago. Her attendance was completely unplanned, that first time when Olivia had been called into work last minute. Rafael had been in court. The squad was slammed with a new case, and on a whim, she phoned Lucia. They had just been at the woman’s apartment in the Bronx the night prior. It was a routine they had started a few months earlier, Sunday diners in the Bronx.
The more time Liv spent with Rafael, the more time he wound up spending with Noah, and she with Lucia. The weekly diner was quickly established after its success that first week. Rafael would take his mother to mass, while Noah and Olivia would grab dessert. They would meet back at his mother’s apartment and spend the evening before heading home. Lucia had answered assuring her she’d been there, and not to worry.
Thankfully, the woman had not only shown up, but she managed to bake dozens of what were now known as, Noah’s infamous cookies, for his bake sale. Euphoric on Noah’s enthusiasm later that day, she invited Lucia back for the following year. Ever since it had become an unspoken agreement. One Noah’s entire school was grateful for, considering Lucia was providing half the cookies.
Gaining Lucia as part of their family was a wonderful bonus Liv hadn’t considered. She was thankful when Rafael quit One Hogan Place, Lucia didn’t stop Including either of them. There was always the fear Noah would lose his surrogate grandmother as soon as Rafael found someone. In the meantime, she was grateful Lucia didn’t ever bring up Rafael’s love life, even if she did always manage to bring up him.
Whether it was because Lucia was checking up on him, or filling Olivia in on him, depended on the year. But it was irrefutable that Lucia Barba was family. So, seeing the woman’s name flash on her screen eased some of her fear. She was concerned the recent fall out between her, and Rafael would affect Noah. She should have known that wasn’t the case.
But it made her absence at said event the following week, particularly bizarre.
[Noah’s Fundraiser]
That coming Monday, the second week of December
“Where is she?” Noah sighed anxiously, leaning high on the tip of his toes to see over the crowd. It was half past one, and Lucia had yet to make an appearance, making her almost two hours late.
“I’m sure she’s just running a little behind,” Liv offered, trying to be discreet as she sent off yet another text message.
She didn’t want to worry her son, but she had a feeling something was wrong. She wasn’t even supposed to be able to attend today. So, the idea Lucia would’ve just not shown and left Noah alone, without even calling, was highly unlikely. Especially considering she just clarified the plans with Liv last week.
“She’s over an hour late!” he countered, motioning to their folding table.
The empty space otherwise would’ve been filled with cookies and other goods Lucia prepared. Instead, the sign he finished the night before and a small cash bag were the only things on display. Though she was sure Noah was less hurt about the lack of cookies and more hurt the woman hadn’t shown up. It was hard for him to let people in; A fear she worried was subconsciously born from his relationship with Sheila.
Between that and the distance from his Uncle Rafa these last few months, she knew he wasn’t going to let this go. When their weekly diners stopped a few weeks apart, she was worried. But both Lucia and Rafael more than supplemented their visits with phone calls and text messages. It seemed like he talked to them more now. But Liv knew he’d been looking forward to today, to ‘seeing’ one of them in person.
“Aunt Amanda is going to drop off some trays on her way back to the station,” Liv placated, again noting the empty table amongst the sea of food. “She should be here any minute.”
“That’s not the point!” he rebuked uncharacteristically, walking towards one of his friend’s tables.
Grabbing her phone, she went to her favorites and pressed his name for the hundred time that hour. Not only was Lucia’s absence upsetting Noah, to make matters worse, she always showed up early and helped his teachers set up. Whether that was because she herself had been a teacher for many years, or because that’s who Lucia was, she couldn’t decide. But at least a handful of Noah’s teachers had inquired about her absence in the last hour.
Surely something must have come up. Between Liv’s intended absence, promises to Noah, knowing how much they were all counting on her…
Slamming her phone down she groaned as Rafael’s voicemail picked up. After the first hour of calls and texts went unanswered, she started calling him to no avail. It wasn’t so much odd for him to refuse to answer his phone. There could be any number of explanations; The likely one being she had yet to reach out to him since Forlini’s. But he wasn’t rejecting her calls, it was just ringing on loop.
And after the tenth call she knew he would’ve answered, if only to make sure Noah was ok.
That’s when, she decided to involve Rollins. She called Amanda over Finn because she knew her detective could get ahold of Carisi – even if Carisi had rejected her phone call twice that morning already – Barba and he had an early morning meeting that day. Liv had been holding out hope she was being paranoid, right until her phone rang.
Rollins calling to inform her she couldn’t get ahold of Carisi. Since she was already out getting cookies for Noah, Finn having caught a major break in their case, Liv decided it was worth the detour. So instead of heading right to the school, she was to head down to one hogan place to see if either of them was there. Though she couldn’t imagine why they would be.
Placing her phone down, she sighed looking at their deserted table. She hated that she hadn’t even been able to make even a batch of cookies for Noah. She’d been working late every night for the better part of two weeks. It was only Lucy being home from grad school on holiday break and Finn agreeing to pull his third double in a row, that she even made it today. Her phone vibrated against the table, but noting it wasn’t Rafael, she visibly deflated.
She talked with Finn for the next twenty minutes, trying not to stare at the clock. He updated her on the case, as well as something him and Phoebe had been up to. Noah was busy socializing with his friends Abby and Jess from dance class. Switching him had been one of the best decisions she’d made. While it was often challenging getting him to the practices, her entire squad and Rafael had made his first two recitals. He had another the first week of January that Rafael was supposed to attend.
Rollins had texted she was on her way a few minutes ago. Figuring she had no new information, she let Finn go as Noah came back to the table.
“Jess is having a sleep over with Abby this weekend. Can I go?” he asked hopefully. Looking down at her phone, she hesitated to answer.
“I didn’t want to call incase Noah was next to you.
Liv you were right, something happened.
Be ready to leave. I can stay with Noah”
The message ended, but the ellipses kept appearing and reappearing taunting her withheld information. She felt a jolt sweep across her shoulders, and trickle down her spine before pulsing in her fingertips. Standing she grabbed her coat, accidentally scraping her chair against the gymnasium floor. The metal screeching caused some people around her to look up, but she failed to notice.
“Mom, what’s wrong?” Noah asked, from the other side of their table, he reached out automatically when she handed him his jacket.
She didn’t have a chance to respond, though she wasn’t sure what she would’ve said. She wasn’t sure what was wrong, and if it was something Noah should be aware of or not. Thankfully, she was saved from answering,
“Mom! Uncle Sonny is here!” he cheered, turning to run to him before suddenly remembering his mom’s odd reaction and turning back.
What Carisi was doing here, she wasn’t sure. Rollins was following behind him, less talented at hiding her anxiety. While Sonny’s expression was one of delight, Rollin’s was of panic. But she was walking in the room relaxed, gun hidden on her hip.
“Go ahead,” Liv answered, giving Noah permission.
Carisi’s face was partially obstructed with so many cookie trays. But she could hear him talking with Noah animatedly when her son approached him. Sonny gripped the trays tightly, trying to balance them as Noah pulled him blindly through the crowd. The scene causing Amanda to smirk for a moment, before her grave expression returned.
“Thank you,” Liv acknowledged, motioning towards the trays Sonny was carrying. Glancing over Noah’s shoulder, she saw Amanda waiting to speak with her, somewhat impatiently.
“You need to go Liv,” Carisi nodded, not even bothering to hide his forlorn expression. “Noah is it cool if I hang here with you? Your moms gotta bounce but we can make it slaps?” he deadpanned, waiting for Noah’s reaction.
“Uncle Sonny, that’s not-” he began trying to catch his breath but laughing too hard to answer. “Bye mom,” Noah said, giving her a quick wave before turning back to sort the cookies. She snorted at the lack of manners, but was thankful Amanda brought Sonny with her. At least she knew he was okay, and it seemed to be a good distraction for Noah.
Scurrying towards Amanda, she approached fidgeting with her hands.
“What is it?” She asked authoritatively, unable to take the suspense any longer. Placing the car keys of the squad car in her hand, her voice waivered,
“Cap, St. Luke’s on 34th and Lexington, there was an accident- “
“Amanda,” Liv responded both unable and unwilling to ask the next question.
“Liv, take the car you need to go,” Rollins instructed in haste, before adding in a more desolate monotone,
“Liv, it’s Barba.”
[8:00a.m. That Morning ]
Rita Calhoun’s Office, inside One Hogan Place
“Olivia is out of her mind. I’m not putting my ass in heels on my one weekend off a month to watch her grope fest” Rita scoffed, throwing a roughly opened envelope down on her desk. “Ah, Barba hey. Here, you get one too” she said, waving him into her office as she grabbed for his letter.
“Olivia just gave you, my mail?” he questioned, placing his briefcase down on one of the vacant chairs across from her. He was partially annoyed she’d go to such length to avoid him. But he was partly amused, unable to stop the next words from coming out, “That’s a felony.”
Rita snorted, handing him the envelope like he had any idea what she was talking about.
“No, Detective Rollin’s gave me yours when I told her we were meeting today”
Furrowing his brow he took it from her, unsure what Rollin’s would need from him. He’d heard her talking about Liv when he walked in, Liv and heels? Without looking down he continued,
“You’ve worked here for what all of two months and your detectives are committing felonies now?” he laughed, realizing it must be personal mail, hence the lack of decorum. “I didn’t think they’d be drawn to the dark side so easily.” Without scanning the invitation, he dropped it next to the handle on his briefcase, knowing Rita was about to fill him in anyway.
“I plead the fifth, and regardless I didn’t open it,” she placated, watching him approach her minibar her eyes bulging humorously at his actions. “Excuse me Rafi, I said I plead the fifth, not indulge in a fifth. What the hell are you doing? It’s,” she berated half-heartedly looking down at her watch, “barely 8a.m.”
In lieu of an answer, he merely shrugged a shoulder. Picking up an empty glass and tilting it towards her in question.
“Fine, make mine a double,” she conspired with a smirk, shuffling papers, “I’ll save you the trouble of opening it.” she said, his smile coming quickly at her predictability. Reaching for the invitation she discarded she was holding it up to him, though his back was still to her.
“Might as well,” he agreed apathetically. If Rita wasn’t interested in the event, it was likely he wouldn’t be going either. He did hear her mention is for was Olivia though, didn’t he?
“Really all you need to decide is if you want the chicken or the steak?” she sympathized, eyeing the invitation like it might come out and bite her.
“I don’t follow,” Rafael said, frowning a bit as her words turned over in his mind.
“Seems one of them finally grew a pair,” she continued, but seeing his confusion clarified, “your bestie?” she teased, knowing Carisi was president of Rafael’s fan club. Feeling his body tense, he dropped the first ice cube into his glass. His bestie? Wait, but she had mentioned Olivia…But there was no way. No way that she would go and, fuck, would she?
There was a time he never thought she’d be willing to let Stabler back into her life. There was a time when he thought the fierce lioness that was Olivia Benson wouldn’t tolerate the gaslighting and manipulation evident to everyone in her life. There was a time he never would’ve imagined she’d go four months without speaking to him…
Clearing his throat, he started but her words came out louder, muffling his inquiry of just who, she was talking about. Because there was no way that she actually would-
“You are cordially invited to celebrate in the blessed union,-“ Rita sang.
An ice-cold sweat rushed his palms, glass clattering and subsequently shattering against Rita’s drink cart. His vision blurred for a moment, blinking he realized it’s because his eyes had begun to fill with unshed tears. Simultaneously he spun turning to face Rita. She was looking at him shocked, his pale skin making his complexion almost green. Hands shaking, he turned back towards the cart.
He swallowed the bile rising in his throat, before reaching down to pick the larger pieces up. Rita hadn’t restarted her rant and was still looking at him curiously.
“God Rafi, it’s a wedding not a funeral,” she admonished lightly, trying to ease the tension, “You aren’t going?” she asked, shaking her head as he scoffed.
“Did you really expect me too?” he breathed disheartened. Raising his eyebrow, he looked around. “Broom?” he questioned, not seeing one.
“No, leave it.” She waved, pushing out of her seat. “Of course, I expected YOU would go. Out of respect for your history with her, if nothing else. But I thought you’d want too.”
Want too? Perhaps Rita had been partaking in the scotch before he arrived. In what world would he ever want to go and see Olivia Benson marry another man? Especially, that man. Rita was walking around her desk to assess the damage. There were only a few small shards left, she’d sweep up later. Instead, she reached for the other empty glass and poured herself two fingers worth.
“You have just as much a reason to go as I do,” Rafael deflected buying himself sometime. Throwing back his drink with a wince before pouring another. He had only intended on have a sip, but it seemed this day had different plans.
“Not exactly” she stated, realizing she was missing something. “You know both parties. I only really know him,” refilling her drink, she sighed at the mess he made before turning back to her desk, “and he’s so new to his department, I barely know him.”
“He’s been there what, two years?” Rafael countered, confused. The asshole had been back on the force in New York for almost two years now. Two years that changed the course of his entire fucking life. “And he has a long history with SVU, before that… And what of course, you know her,” he balked, “I introduced you what, ten years ago?”
“Well sure, but I don’t know her, know her. I can… call her for a favor if I need help - and I have, and vise versa all of that, - but we aren’t friends. Not like you guys... Either way, I didn’t think you were on bad terms?” she elaborated. That seemed to irritate him for some reason, as he gripped the chair at her desk. She watched him grab his invitation and chuck it at her garbage.
“I’m done fucking talking about it Rita,”
“Okay, relax” she admonished, hands up in surrender.
“I can’t believe she’s fucking marrying, him,” he scoffed incensed, pulling on his hair before running his hands down his face. He never thought he’d actually lose her.
“Well, she likely loves him. He’s a good man, loves kids. All from the same squad and family blah blah blah? I’m not seeing your problem.”
“The problem is that while it’s somehow escaped your notice, I’m in fucking love with her Rita.” Slamming his glass back on the drink tray, his fists clenched roughly. “Even you aren’t so dense to have missed that,” he barked unkindly.
“First of all, check your tone Rafi. I realize you’re having some sort of psychotic break but don’t think for- Wait, Hold on, I thought you were-“
“No,” he held up his hand agitated, “I won’t discuss this anymore,” he shouted but seeing her frown he added a bit kinder, “I can’t, discuss this, OK? Look, just send a decline for me?” he asked, grabbing his brief case and glancing at her expectantly.
“Yeah Ok. Raf. But look, I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but just remember, she can’t make a choice if she doesn’t know she has one.”
Looking at the garbage can, his eyes watered again. He did tell her she had a choice and she clearly heard him because she had made one.
She just hadn’t chosen him.
“I can’t do this,” he whispered shaking his head, before walking out, leaving his brief case behind.
Rafael’s Office,
Leaving Rita’s, he heads back to his own…
The full body of the second glass amber shone in the lights of the electric fireplace illuminating his office. A cold swept through the building months ago, and it’d be many more till the dampness would pass. The burn of the whisky had him scrunching his nose in protests, hot thick tears slid down, each nostril a conduit for the saltwater’s inevitable decent of gravity.
He’d been sulking for the last two hours since he’d left Rita’s office. Olivia Margaret Benson was getting married. Even during her most intimate stages with Tucker, he never really believed it would happen. Perhaps that was a native part of him believing they were inescapable and maybe there was a time they were. Until Stabler came back into her life, throwing her entire world off balance; and consequently, his.
Comparatively to when he first realized she’d embraced the sycophant with open arms, he was more stunned than anything. However, it didn’t take long for the surprise to give way to anger. Beyond a blind spot this man was a detriment, his magnitude polarizing amongst the family she had created for herself. Liv simply being at this man’s beck and call had already disrupted her life. He feared the inevitable time his darkness would snuff out her light.
And like with the process of grief his anger had given way to anguish. Rita had called him a half dozen times since he left, before finally taking the hint. How had she been so obtuse earlier? He wasn’t sure if she was somehow trying to do it for his benefit. Maybe she was trying to have it seem like he hadn’t been senselessly pinning over a woman who’d kicked him to the curve the second something better came along. He’d now be the topic of gossip around hogan place and her squad room. But all he could think about was her and Noah.
Would Noah learn to love him? Would he go to his dance recitals, and cheer loudly or discourage him? Would he hold him when he mourned his first broken heart? Or tell him to grow a thicker skin. Would Noah look up to the man, and one day grace him with the title of dad? Would his role as that surrogate father figure finally be replaced by someone else? Would Noah want that?
And what was worse? For Noah to never bond enough with Stabler to call him that, or knowing he’d lost for lack of a better term, his son, to someone who barely knew him. Because just like he hadn’t been there for Liv for all those years, he wasn’t there for Noah. He wasn’t there for the asthma attacks, and social workers, and home inspections. He wasn’t there for the kidnapping, and bullying, and identity discussions on sexuality.
He missed the nights Noah was full of the tears because Liv had been hospitalized, again. He didn’t try to mend his heartache when he was the only kid without his parent there for the Father’s Day celebrations. He didn’t know Noah preferred romance to horror, comedy to action, or dance to baseball. He didn’t know the answers to the questions about Olivia, that she would never truly be prepared to answer for him.
And he couldn’t determine which was worse.
That Stabler didn’t know any of it, or that one day he would.
And he didn’t know how to handle that, so he drank… and drank some more. He was certain Carisi was seething mad he’d skipped their meeting, wherever he was. Titling the decanter he poured the final drops of Macallan into his glass, before reaching for the phone. Thankfully in New York, you could order anything for delivery, even at 11 on a Monday morning. He felt for his wallet but realized he must have left it in his car that morning. Noticing he had multiple missed calls from Carisi, he threw back the rest of his drink.
Now was the time when he had ‘decided to deal with it later’, so he started the call. He was supposed to be at Carisi’s office at One Hogan over two hours ago, but he’d settled for getting drunk in his own instead. Their meeting was the whole reason he was even at Rita’s today. Having shown up too early, anxious with anything having to do with Liv’s squad, he decided to kill some time.
It’s what had led to that first drink to take the edge off. Everything that happened after, well that’s what led to the state he was in now. He stood, swaying heavily on his feet and catching himself with his hand on the back of his sofa. Groaning and with a subconscious smooth down of his vest, he righted himself when Carisi’s voicemail picked up.
“Carisi, I know I missed the meeting. But look I-“ he choked back a sob, digging his nails into his palm before clearing his throat. But he’d given away his emotions, and so he just hung up instead. Sonny was probably pissed he’d blown him off. There was a chance he had at least a day before he listened to that message. And when he did, he had no doubt Carisi would show up guns blazing to figure out what was wrong.
Though, he figured Sonny, unlike Rita, would figure it out pretty quickly. They’d become friends whenever they weren’t going head-to-head in court. Though he liked less sharing his tools and secrets with him, when he watched Sonny try to use them on him in session. Finding his keys, he left for the parking garage to locate his wallet. Once in his car, he found it, slumping down in relief.
The only off-street parking included was on the second floor of the parking garage, five blocks away. It was a long trek from door to door. Maybe exercise should be a New Year’s resolutions this year? He would’ve saved time if he’d just walked to the liquor store instead. Deciding it made more sense to walk, that way he could save himself the delivery fees, he locked up.
A few blocks in the cold would do him some good. Grabbing his wallet, he locked the car up and went in search of liquid pain relief. It was barely four minutes later, he arrived at a cross walk, watching as his life sputtered, before slowing down, and coming to a standstill. It was Sonny he saw first, standing across the street as he half waved. The gesture was a mixture of acknowledgement and concern that he’d found almost amusing. Rafael raised his hand to wave back, deciding now was as good a time as ever to deal with it. Perhaps he could cover his own ass for this morning.
When the fear that struck Carisi’s face landed his own like a backhand blow he knew he was in trouble. He didn’t even have time to follow Sonny’s eyeline, horrified to hear himself directly in between the two groups of men. They were both shouting belligerently at one another. Before closing his eyes, the last thing he saw was Carisi take off running towards him. The ADA never quiet losing those ingrained police skills he assumed.
He heard the gunshots right next to him this time, and he just prayed it would be quick. There were no final thoughts of what ifs or how his life should have been. It happened far too unexpectedly for that. One moment he stood there, eyes swollen from crying, half inebriated staring at Dominick Carisi, and the next he felt a searing heat rip through his chest like lightening, and the world went black.