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I hate him.
He made sure to repeat that sentence every day. In his mind. On a constant loop. But never aloud. Why couldn’t he say it aloud anymore?
I hate him. If the day comes I have to kill him, I will.
Yet the knife in his hand looked back at him, mocking him after his failed attempt to do just that. He fought for his life and his beliefs, he fought for the only freedom he knew – he fought for the solitude that consumed his heart as much as it consumed his soul. Yet, he couldn’t do it.
I hate him. I should’ve killed him. Why couldn’t I kill him?
The encounter was fresh in his mind: the absent heartbeat against his thigh, the shocked-turned-furious look in those purple eyes, the rain covering the blood and tears running down Vanitas’ face. But what was even more fresh in his mind was that sentence, the one that ended up making the voices in his head quiet.
“I will never set you free.”
The sound of the blade hitting the ground surrounded the empty room. A headache was coming to him from all the crying and thinking and crying and thinking and feeling . But feelings should never be felt by someone like him. Feelings were for the weak, feelings were for the delusionals, feelings were for the ones who had any sense of humanity in him. Feelings weren’t for the killers, for the damned, for the cursed. Feelings weren’t for him, for he was never allowed to have them – every day, since the day he was born, he learnt that feelings could get you killed. And he was a despised doctor, the biggest mistake to happen to both humans and vampires. He didn’t deserve having feelings and he wasn’t worth being on the receiving end of them.
“As if anyone could fall for a person like me.”
“Tch”, the bandages were starting to feel too tight and the air too dry. Jumping out of bed and climbing out of the window, Vanitas got into the roof to look at the parisian landscape. Cars and people merged like smoke and the sounds of the city helped keep his mind numb for a couple of seconds, until his mind went back to the amusement park.
Eyes closed, his eyelids started playing a film of all the events leading to that moment and what happened there. A gut feeling –or maybe more of a piece of knowledge he forgot he had–, told him that Mikhail was going to show up soon. So he decided to wait, letting the thoughts of Luna and Mikhail stop him from thinking about Noé.
Noé and his bright smile. Noé and his never-ending excitement for the human world. Noé and his love for his grumpy cat. Noé and his big heart, too big for a vampire. Noé and his mouth that could never shut up and think before speaking. Noé and his strong hands that stopped Vanitas’ attempts to do something he thought he would regret doing. Noé and his positive mindset that annoyed Vanitas to no end. Noé and his stupid lilac eyes and his stupidly sweet words that kept Vanitas going and his stupid strong morals that made him save Vanitas even as he was trying to kill him.
Noé, Noé, Noé, Noé, Noé…
A noise. Someone climbing to the roof and steps he already knew by heart. If Vanitas wasn’t so sceptical, he would’ve believed he manifested the vampire’s arrival by merely thinking about him. Suddenly his wounds weren’t the only thing hurting. But he refused to cry, not again, not even when he looked up and Noé’s eyes showed a kind of worry that rarely was directed to him.
“Are your injuries… all right?”
Stupid vampire with his stupid questions.
“I’m sorry,” Vanitas kept quiet and only waited for him to keep talking. “Of course they’re not ‘all right’.”
His sight went to the landscape again. The weather was getting worse, colder than before. Even so, Vanitas felt warmer on the outside than on the inside. Voices clouding his mind and turning his train of thought into loud gibberish. No word came out of his mouth, his brain unable to process anything to tell Noé until he spoke again.
“Vanitas…” When did his voice start to sound so kind? When did he stop feeling Noé’s hatred and remorse in his words? Why was he so worried about him, out of all people? “Why don’t you come inside?” He couldn’t, not yet. “I mean… if I’m in the way, I’ll go somewhere else…”
You’re not. I don’t know when it happened, I don’t know what changed. But you stopped being in the way a long time ago.
“I’m waiting…” He didn’t want Noé to go and leave him behind. Something within him told Vanitas that it would be for worse if they separated again. “...For him to show up.”
As he called it, the familiar young boy appeared next to them. Vanitas didn't need to see Noé to know he was confused and perhaps a bit displeased to see him again. He also didn’t need to see Noé to know he wanted to do something about the new encounter.
“Mi–”
“Noé,” Vanitas shut him up. There were things that needed to be said, since it didn’t let him rest at all the previous night. And he wasn’t going to let Noé ruin it for him. “You don’t have to do anything… but just stay there,” he didn’t want the vampire to run away from the situation he was about to get them into.
The following silence was loud and the wind was chilling between the three of them. Mikhail’s broken expression and Noé’s slight movement surrounded Vanitas as he waited for the one he used to treat as his little brother to speak.
“I had…” The pain in Mikhail’s voice pulled a string in Vanitas’ heart, but he remained as calm and composed as he always was. Pretending to be above feelings and pain was a skill he mastered years ago. “There was a question I couldn’t ask yesterday…”
Here it comes , he thought . I knew this was coming long ago.
“I wanted to ask it, so I–” Vanitas was vulnerable, all the things that happened the day before at the amusement park still weighing on his chest. He did his best to stay as relaxed as he commonly was, but listening to someone that used to be so dear to him as Mikhail break down in front of him… hurt.
“Was it my fault… that father died?”
Ah. There it was. That question. The rage in Vanitas’ blue eyes. The memories he tried so hard to bury for them both to forget completely.
“I don’t remember that day, and…” This is not what should’ve happened . “I lost this arm…” This is not your weight to carry, Mikhail . “W-Was that… Was it all my–” Stop it .
“No,” he couldn’t let him keep bearing a responsibility that wasn’t his, no matter how much he despised Mikhail now. “I’m the one who killed her.”
Having to bring back the memories of that night was hard enough already. Having to explain everything to Mikhail and showing such a weakness in front of Noé took a lot of effort. He really wished he didn’t have to do it but nothing had ever been easy for him, ever.
“That can’t be right” Of course you wouldn’t accept the truth . “I mean… if we resurrect father it could be like before…”
There was something painfully poetic about Mikhail and Noé. Something that dragged Vanitas close to them, something he didn’t realise until he saw them at the same place. Both of them were too kindhearted for the cruel world they were thrown into. Both of them had strong beliefs that made them try to do things for what they considered was best, risking themselves in the process. Both of them made Vanitas feel the need to protect them and stay by their sides. Both of them made Vanitas think about what love and care was all about and he totally, absolutely, completely hated it .
“The dead don’t come back,” it was the truth. Mikhail knew it was the truth, even if he didn’t want to admit it. Denial was never going to let him move on, he needed to accept the fact that Luna was gone . Had been for a long time. “If she “came back,” it would only be something else that looked like her.”
“Besides,” Mikhail was screaming. He was furious, he was hurt. It’s okay , Vanitas told himself, it’s what he needs to feel now . “You know too, don’t you brother? When we use those books, it gradually changes us into something inhuman.”
Mikhail .
“They rewrite our very beings.”
Mikhail, that’s enough.
Vanitas could feel Noé shifting position behind him. It was uncomfortable, this was a conversation he knew he had to have but not one he was looking forward to. It was too much. Too much was being said, too much was being shown. He wasn’t ready for Noé to see that much. It was too soon.
“You saw me yesterday, right?” Mikhail continued, ignorant of the reaction he was getting from Vanitas. “It’ll be just like that. You’ll become something that’s not you. I’m the only one who’ll understand that pain!”
I won’t. I will do everything within me for that not to happen.
“Remember what you said? Even if you knew you’d die tomorrow, you wanted to stay human to the end” And I will . “I can kill you if you turn into a monster!”
You won’t.
“So come on!”
I won’t let you do that.
Vanitas stared at Mikhail and his extended hand. For a split second he could see Luna standing her hand to his younger self. That’s right , a bittersweet feeling came to him, you were always more like her than I’ll ever be. Too smart but also kind for your own good .
“I don’t need that,” he knew he was about to break Mikhail’s heart one more time. But he was no longer his older brother, they were both by themselves. And he had someone else to care about. “If I… get to choose how I die…”
“I’ve decided I’m staying with you, Vanitas.”
Stupid vampire. With his stupid lilac eyes that shine brighter than the sun. And his stupid smile that’s too sweet to deny, even for someone who hates the taste of sugar.
“If I can…”
“I will never set you free!”
It’s too soon...
“If I’m going to be killed, I want Noé to do it.”
…but it’s too late to back down now.
Silence.
The cold breeze went past them. The birds sang in the distance. The mask that was Vanitas’ expression fell, like the worry in Noé’s eyes, like the anger in Mikhail’s face.
And then, tears.
And then, anger. Deception. A heart breaking apart.
But Vanitas already knew that was meant to happen.
“Alright, fine” Mikhail’s voice lacked its usual brightness. It was like the pieces of a recently broken vase. “I’ll bring father back by myself.”
Too many questions were left unanswered. The only breath of relief being Mikhail’s reassurance that Domi hadn’t hurt anyone while being under his control. Somewhere deep within him, Vanitas was glad – not that he would ever admit to it.
And then, Mikhail was gone. And a weight fell into Vanitas’ back, this time coming from outside of his body.
“Hey, you’re heavy.”
“You can handle it for a little while.”
Silence again. When did the both of them become so quiet?
“...You’re sure you don’t need to go after Misha? He must have all sorts of information you want.”
How dumb can you be? If I wanted to go after him I wouldn’t be here.
“Yes. But… right now…” I don’t want to do this. I really don’t want to do this anymore . “...I want to talk to you.”
This is so hard. How do you do it?
“...Sorry.”
Out of all times he wished Noé stayed quiet, this was the only time he wished he said something . Anything. Instead what he got was a dumbstruck look and some confused gibberish. And for someone who could say anything on his mind, Vanitas was pretty bad at talking about his feelings and apologising for his mistakes.
“For, uh… being hasty” No, that’s not exactly it . “Or, not… maybe I waited too long… or didn’t do…” Why is it so hard?
“...It’s really concerning when you act meek like this.”
You’re not helping at all.
“Are you trying to pick a fight?” Vanitas took a deep breath and tried to organise his thoughts. “I gave up,” he said in a shy voice, too tired and too scared of being even more vulnerable. Being so open in such a short span of time was taking a toll on him.
“What?”
Now I really wish I could’ve killed him .
“I gave up…!” Was he annoyed with Noé for not listening to him properly or to himself for making it even more difficult to talk about it? He wouldn’t know. “...on making you do what I wanted!”
Spending so much time together made Vanitas too good at predicting Noé’s reactions and knowing what he could be feeling without even looking at him. That’s why he wasn’t so surprised to hear him giggle on his back. What did surprise him was the warmth he felt in his chest, where moments ago it was icy like an iceberg waiting to sink.
“You’re heavy!” The weight of Noé came back to him and his injuries weren’t fully recovered yet – disadvantages of being something close to a human.
This time, the silence was comfortable. Closer to a quiet afternoon next to a bonfire.
“What are you going to do now?”
Vanitas got lost in the streets of Paris. His mind flying between Noé on his back and the music made by the city’s sounds.
“First, I’ll check into the Comte de Saint Germain,” it was the logical answer. “As for the rest… nothing will change. I am a doctor,” a memory of Noé reminding him just that as he was about to give up appeared in his mind. “I’ll keep on treating curse-bearers. I’ll do as I please” Just like I always have . “I’ll save the vampires, for the sake of my revenge.”
A content sigh came out of Noé’s mouth.
“All right. I won’t change either.”
Vanitas did his best to not smile at that.
“Monsieur Vanitas! Monsieur Noé!” Amelia’s voice came from inside the building, taking both of them by surprise. “Look! There’s finally some blue sky showing through!”
As Vanitas was raising his eyes to appreciate the view, he heard an annoyingly familiar voice. There wasn’t anyone else who would call him Quack and scold him quite like Dante did. His mood was really close to being ruined, his walls about to rise up again, when he felt Noé calling him.
“Vanitas,” a part of him was afraid to look at him, to see the look in Noé’s eyes. “Let’s go,” but he did.
And if that wasn’t a sight to behold.
Noé was glowing like a thousand stars. His eyes were soft and hugging Vanitas’ heart, his smile calming the racing thoughts of his mind and his extended hand inviting him to keep going. And maybe, for one moment, for just that time, it was okay to smile. For Noé, to Noé. Maybe trusting the one who he used to hate and hated him back wasn’t as bad as he once believed.
Stupid Noé with his dumb-looking smile and his shining lilac eyes. How dare you burn my walls down like this?
And just like that, with the blue sky and the beaming sun on their backs, Vanitas took his hand with no doubt and headed inside.