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It was nothing, well not exactly nothing because it was bothering him. He wished he could get it off of his mind. Shikamaru had awakened tired and grouchy. The dream he was having up until then wasn’t anything much. He was just watching the clouds with Choji like they have done countless times before, but he had to wake himself up because things between them were too comfortable. He was having too much fun hanging out with his friend. The dream could possibly have turned into something that he didn’t want it to deal with as had happened several times lately.
He scrubbed a hand across his face and sighed deeply. This was absurd. He was afraid to sleep, afraid to sit close to his best friend when they ate, afraid to be alone with the same best friend. Not because of anything Choji had done, but because he didn’t trust the way he felt when he was around him these days. It had all started a few days ago. They were hanging out and eating some barbecue. Some sauce had dribbled down over Shikamaru’s lip and almost to his chin when Choji had absently swiped the stray drip up with the thick pad of one of his thumb. He proceeded to clean his thumb with his mouth in the same deft movement.
It was a perfectly innocent moment, but for some reason the light pressure under his lip had left a tingling sensation that hadn’t stayed put but shot southward as he saw Choji licking and nibbling at his thumb to rid it of the sauce. No, he didn’t want to deal with the implication of that; not at all. So, laying back down, he tried to get some more sleep though he doubted he would. He had not seen much luck with sleeping through the night for almost a week, which making his life miserable.
888
Choji walked through the village on his way to see Shikamaru. He was worried because his friend had been acting strangely lately. It was like he was avoiding him, only he really wasn’t. They had seen each other around, but not as much as usual. Shikamaru hadn’t had time to just hang out and watch the clouds with him lately, or grab a bite of barbecue together. Maybe Shikamaru was just restless, they hadn’t gone on any missions in a while. Or maybe he just wasn’t feeling well. The flu was going around a few weeks ago…Or maybe Shikamaru had found someone else to spend his extra time with these days.
It was not like they had to hang out with each other every possible minute of every day. It was not like if Shikamaru decided he wanted to hang out with someone else he would have to tell him. It was not like he was some weirdo who kept track of everything Shikamaru did or anything. But if one more person asked him if Shikamaru was dating Tamari, he was sure he would punch them in the face for general purpose. How could he have a girlfriend and not share the news with his best friend? He wouldn’t. Would he?
Maybe the thought wouldn’t hurt as much if he could at least go through the excitement and nervousness and all of that dating and romance stuff at his side. Dating just wasn’t going to happen for him. After all, Ino had made it clear to him that he wasn’t exactly choice boyfriend material by any girl’s standards. Besides, he had decided long ago that there was only one person that mattered in his life, and that person was Shikamaru. He had not told him in so many words, but who else would he share his food with? They had lived a happy life hanging out together with no sign of it changing until now.
He had asked Shikamaru to go watch clouds with him again this afternoon, and once again he was told he was busy. It left him thinking, ‘What could he be busy with?’ It wasn’t Shikamaru’s style to do chores around the house, and any training or missions would include the whole team. Granted even Shikamaru’s laziness could be overruled by his mother if she wanted him to do something, but she seldom asked, preferring to do things right the first time herself. 888 Arriving at the Nara house, Choji knocked at the door, and Shikamaru answered it, leaning unsteadily against the door frame. He had deep circles under his eyes and seemed to have trouble focusing on Choji at first.
“Are you alright?” Choji asked, concerned.
Shikamaru sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, this was bad. When he got home earlier that day, he had found a note from his parents that they would be away for a few days he saw it as a good opportunity to catch up on some much needed rest. Unfortunately, he was having major problems sleeping. So, in a desperate attempt at self medication, he had gotten into the big jug of sake his mother used for cooking. The hope was that once the alcohol relaxed him a bit, he would have more success with falling asleep. He hadn’t managed to fall asleep yet, but he was feeling the effects of the alcohol. There was no way Choji wouldn’t notice something was up. Maybe he could play sick? “Hey Choji, wharre yu doinn heer?” Shit, that sounded slurred even to his ears.
“You’ve been drinking.” It was not a question.
Shikamaru nodded and motioned Choji in as he turned and retreated into the quiet of his home. The neighbors would talk if they overheard this and last thing he wanted to do was explain anything about this to his mother. As it was, he would have to be creative in replacing her cooking sake. “Isn’t something I do a lot,” he informed Choji as they settled onto some zabutons that were thrown around a short table in the dining room. “You want some?” he offered.
Choji looked at Shikamaru for a moment, trying to decide what to do. “Alright, but just a cup or two,” he answered equitably. He had quickly reasoned that with his size behind him it would take a lot more than that to affect him. He needed to keep a clear head right now, but he didn’t want Shikamaru to think he was judging him poorly. He was alarmed at finding Shikamaru drinking alone like this, he knew that his friend had been battling some personal demons ever since Asuma died, but last week he had been worse than ever. He hoped that Shikamaru would tell him what was haunting him because he hated not knowing what was going on with him.
Shikamaru raised an eyebrow at that; he had really thought Choji would refuse to drink. It felt weird, like Choji should be too good, too innocent, he should protest that he wasn’t old enough to drink or something. If he was willing to break the rules for this, what else would he do? How far into depravity could he drag him just by asking? He poured the sake and passed it to his friend fully expecting that he would never drink it. When he saw Choji lifting it to his lips, he couldn’t take it. He knew it was irrational when he did it but he couldn’t stop himself from just swinging out and smacking the cup out of Choji’s hand. “Don’t, just don’t,” he said, watching the spilled sake soak into the tatami.
“That’s enough. “ Choji growled, leaning in to grab Shikamaru by the sleeve so he couldn’t get away. “You have been acting weird for days now. Are you in trouble? Did your parents do something? Is it Ino? Did she say something mean or …” he couldn’t help pausing here, swallowing thickly because he wasn’t sure he could handle the answer but he had to ask, “Is it Temari?”
That took Shikamaru by surprise. He hadn’t seen or talked to her for a while, what could she have done? “What are you talking about?”
“At least a dozen people have asked me if you two were dating this week alone, you haven’t been around much and now you are upset about something you don’t want to talk to me about. Are you seeing her? Did you two have a fight, or what?”
He wanted to laugh, or cry, if only it was that simple. He noticed Choji holding his sleeve still and tugged, trying to break away without much success. “No. I am not seeing anyone, haven’t been seeing anyone,” another tug at the sleeve this time more violent and was met with success, “Why do you care so anyway?” he practically yelled as he backed away to the other side of the table.
Choji could feel his heart slamming against his ribcage. Why did he care? What could he say? His face started to heat up as he went over the possibilities in his head, before finally muttering, “Because I just do. I care about you, Shikamaru.” He couldn’t even look Shikamaru in the eye; he was a genius, he would figure it out. He didn’t want to see the look in his eyes when he realized the truth. He sat, looking at his knees, waiting, and the silence that followed seeming to stretch on forever. Finally he couldn’t take anymore; he glanced up and saw Shikamaru just looking at him, like he was waiting to see what he would do next. No reassuring smile or word of friendship, just watching him like he was a poisonous snake about to strike. Sighing, Choji stood “I’ll let myself out,” he said quietly as he turned and started to leave.
“Wait, Choji, don’t go,” Shikamaru said. He couldn’t let him walk away like this, he could tell he was hurting, but he wasn’t ready for this, not right now; it was too much. His mind quickly shuffled through the possibilities for their friendship if he let him leave and none were good. “I don’t know what to do here, but I can’t let you leave looking like that, I care…I like you too.” He fumbled for the right words, “I, it’s just too new and I don’t have a clue what to do and I…I should be better than this.” He shook his head, unable to put the feelings he had had into words, the self loathing he had for wanting to do perverted things with his friend, the confusion about the warmth he felt when they were together, and the fear he had that he would lose him forever if he found out how he felt.
And here Choji had managed to admit to feeling the same, for a while now. “You really are better at this than I am,” he muttered, allowing himself to smile in appreciation of that thought. Suddenly, he felt Choji’s arms around him and a pair of lips on his, it took him by surprise but he couldn’t bring himself to fight it. He went along with it, relaxing and returning the kiss. The earth moved, the room started to get hot and spin. And spin and he flung himself away, lurching his way to the kitchen garbage bin, before spewing what he had in his stomach into it. He worried for a moment that Choji would leave, insulted, but then he felt a large hand rubbing comforting circles on his back. He would have to make sure to let him know it was cheap sake and raw nerves that caused this, nothing bad about the kiss at all.
Choji was a little anxious that Shikamaru wouldn’t remember any of this in the morning, but it didn’t keep him from snuggling up with him in his futon that night and holding him while he slept. He would deal with tomorrow when it came.
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Shikamaru cracked open his bleary eyes. Light was streaming in through his window and he could tell he had slept pretty late into the morning. Rolling out of the futon with a groan, he padded to the bathroom to relieve himself and try to kill the funk he could taste in his mouth.
He made his way to the kitchen next and something registered as not normal in his slowly waking brain. The dining table was cleared off, and Choji stood in the kitchen, stirring something in a bowl. Choji, he had been avoiding him because…oh last night something had happened, something good and now he wasn’t worried about it because yeah that’s right Choji felt the same way. Slowly the events from the night before filtered into his head. Wait, he and Choji had has some sort of mutual love confession last night? Maybe it was a really weird dream. Either way, Shikamaru felt his stomach twist a little and he glanced around, looking for the waste basket, which was conspicuously absent from the kitchen.
“I did a little picking up,” Choji answered the unasked question. “Here,” he said, sitting a bowl on the table, and motioning for Shikimaru to sit. “It’s only eggs and rice; I didn’t think your stomach would be up to much else today.”
“Thanks.” So I did get sick last night, right after… Shikamaru had a sudden urge to crawl under the table and hide. An awkward silence settled in as Shikamaru couldn’t even bring himself to look at Choji. His cheeks warm, he occupied himself with shoveling food into his mouth and looking everywhere else instead.
Choji ate his share of breakfast; Shikamaru wouldn’t even look at him. Maybe he was feeling weird about last night. He finished up the last of his rice and put his bowl in the sink. He was getting a little uncomfortable with watching Shikamaru look everywhere but at him. This was obviously going to be one of those rare occasions where Shikamaru’s intellect took a while to process things. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little disappointed that he hadn’t been greeted with a smile and a big kiss or a loving hug this morning, but he was not surprised. Shikamaru would probably need to mull things over for a while.
“I have to get going, my family will wonder where I went and start looking for me soon. Catch you later,” Choji said, making his way to the front door. He paused in the doorway, hoping Shikamaru would say something, or stop him from leaving, but after a few moments, his shoulders slumping, he left the house. He leaned back in the doorway adding, “You probably want to empty the garbage can, before your folks get home,” before heading out for his house.
A little later that day, Shikamaru sat on a familiar rooftop, smoking a cigarette and letting his mind wander. He had worried his mind over the issue of starting a romantic relationship with Choji, and things were just too complicated. He had a few too many unknowns for his comfort. He had no idea how their parents would react, not to mention the rest of the village. He didn’t know if Ino would still want to be on team ten once she found out. He did know keeping it a secret would be impossible in such a small village. There weren’t any rules against it that he was aware of… it was just a lot of bother to think about so he leaned back and looked up at the clouds. Looking at them had always helped him relax.
After a while, he felt a familiar presence at his side, he could hear the steady munch of some crispy snack or other and the rustle of a cellophane bag. Somehow those little normal things were more comforting than anything else he could imagine at the moment. He scooted a little closer and stubbed out the cigarette butt. He continued watching the clouds roll by, allowing the comforting presence next to him to sooth his frayed nerves. After a while the cellophane bag was wadded up, empty and the hand that had once delved in for chip after chip sought out his hand instead. Shikamaru smiled as they watched the clouds together like always, more or less.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAT!!!