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Since the end of the big nap and the subsequent beginning of magic school, Nessa was so certain she had never been happier.
“I’m WHAT?”
“An archfae, Snow Flower. As I am returning to the summer court… Winter needs an archfae to safeguard it. Who else would I choose? Who other loves winter in the same way you do?”
Meeting Gloxinia - confessing to her, having her feelings returned - again managed to topple that record.
“D-dad, there’s… I’m not ready! I-I can barely tie my shoes and I still primarily live on gummi bears and my temper is so bad–”
“Ah, but consider: I believe you are ready. And have I ever lied to you, little Snow?”
“No…”
So she supposed her lowest point must come equally quickly, slumped over her knight’s bed (not her deathbed, she forces herself to think, but her bed) sobbing into the blanket and praying against all hope and to every god she knew - please, please just let Gloxinia be okay. Whatever it took, whatever price, just let her beloved stay with her.
It all began with her seeing a bladesinger other than her bride for the first time.
The welcoming of a new archfae was, of course, a big deal. One hadn’t been… well, one hadn’t APPEARED since His Highness’ heart was frozen. So with him returning to Summer and his only warlock ascending in his place, fae from all over the Wild were coming in to try impressing or perhaps intimidating Frost’s only child into favoring them.
And it was EXHAUSTING. Now admittedly, she didn’t think she’d EVER be exposed to the concept of flattery in her life - the Burroughs didn’t want her, and anything that wanted to use her to get to Frost was… well, very unlikely to make it there given Nessa was very excessively herself and very protective of her father.
But if she had one more fae kiss her hand and tell her she was beautiful or smart or any other number of positive adjectives she’d only really believe coming from the rest of Code’s students or Gloxinia, she may legitimately commit a murder. How had dad managed it?! This was torture!
She whined some, leaning back on her throne. Olwen sleepily mumbled “tired, friend” from her shoulder and Nessa looked pleadingly to Gloxinia.
The winter sun always caught her hair so perfectly in the ballroom - and her gaze was ever stalwart, watching every corner for a threat. The pretty loops of her delicate curls were easy to trace with the eyes, and the way her dagger-sharp eyes melted when she looked at Nessa was just…
She locked a dreamy sigh within her chest, feeling her exhaustion slough off like an old snake skin. It was okay, she could keep going if–
“My lady?” That voice. So soft it sent a happy little shiver down her spine. “I suppose the exhaustion is setting in now, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, but it’s okay - Dad could learn to do this, so I can learn to do it,” Nessa hummed. “And I have an advantage he didn’t have!”
“What would that be?”
“Friend loves you!” Olwen chirped helpfully as Nessa added a “yeah, that” with a small smile. Just a little longer. She can manage it, because Gloxinia is there.
“We’re almost done, my lady, just one more person to meet and then we can retreat to the study with tea and those jam tarts I can’t keep you out of,” Gloxinia playfully teased.
One more person felt like an eternity of people if it was all that was between her, time with Gloxinia and jam tarts. Still, she nodded across the room to welcome in the last audience seeker for the day: a gentleman from the material realm, having originally come to offer service to her father, but oh god here came the flattery. Before Nessa could tune it out entirely, however–
“I hear talk you have a fascination with bladesinging,” the gentleman said, a hand on the hilt of his blade.
Nessa could hear the gripping of a leather hilt getting tighter. Huh? Gloxinia’s never done that before. “Oh, yes! Someone I love very much is a bladesinger herself. Are you one as well?”
“Ah, a fine eye you have, my lady - indeed, I bear such a distinction. May I have the honor of performing for you this evening?”
“Oh, well… one couldn’t hurt, I think. By all means!”
The man took stance with a rapier in hand - standard knight-devout posing, the sword pointed upward. Before she could even think of her sibling, the gentleman’s voice began to echo gently in the room as he glided through the forms, absolute harmony between him and his blade without so much as a step or stammer. It was a flawless dance, to be sure - and when it concluded with him on a bent knee before her gazing into her eyes, even she couldn’t avoid blushing.
She reached out a hand to motion him up, but he only took it and kissed her knuckles: setting her poor face further aflame. He introduced himself as Basil and advised he’d be at the ball (ball? THERE WAS GOING TO BE A BALL? WHEN? HOW? Wait. Duh, her official coronation as the Princess of Snow.). He said something else too but Nessa was struggling to get her head back and by the time she had it Basil had left and Nessa was sheepishly turning to a rather… stone-faced fae.
“That was something, huh?” She couldn’t stop the stupid coming from her mouth, unfortunately.
“It certainly was. That Basil was… very skilled,” Gloxinia mused, a small frown on her face.
“Almost as good as you,” Nessa added, because her feet were very talented at finding her mouth and she had never wished more for someone to drop a dome of silence on her. “But only almost. Nobody in the Feywild could outshine you, no matter how skilled they are. Tarts?”
“Right away, my lady,” and the strain in her knight’s smile made Nessa want to take back every word.
Instead, she ran to take Gloxinia’s hand and snuggle closer, murmuring that no matter who asked she’d always say Gloxinia was the best anything. The arm around her shoulder served to clear up any of the lingering anxiety, and Nessa sighed happily into her beloved knight’s neck.
That should have been her first warning sign, Nessa grimaced in the present era. The first warning that she should be more careful about who she welcomed in her court, and the first warning that as strong as her knight was, she wasn’t indestructible.
And god, she’d almost managed to prove that last part. A fresh wave of tears comes over her as she tries to bury deeper into the blanket to avoid disturbing her sleeping bride with them.
Hadn’t she promised the day she confessed that she would NEVER be one of the things that hurt her? But she had– of course she had, there were only bad things inside her after all and Gloxinia was so perfect and the Burroughs were right to hate her it was all her fault HER FAULT–
She’s spiraling and chokes it down. She can throw herself a pity party later. When Gloxinia survives, if she survives. Ophie, please, if you’re listening, help her. If she dies now, the last thing she’ll remember is that stupid bastard and me not realizing I was hurting her until it’s too late–!
From that day on to the ball, Gloxinia had focused on bladesinging more than ever - which Nessa didn't complain about in the slightest, she loved watching. ( Looking back, god, she should have. ) Her focus was matchless, every second devoted to gliding through the forms as smoothly as a dove's wing through clouds.
She really was the most beautiful thing Nessa had ever seen, and that only continued to grow in truth when Gloxinia noticed her watching and smiled. Perfection in fae form, she dreamily sighed to Olwen.
( How did she not notice how tight her grip had been on that blade? How could she have not seen that she was mimicking Basil’s footwork, trying to match it? How had she missed the way her knight grit her teeth when she made even a minor error ?)
And equally, Basil’s name kept coming up around her. Fae all over the palace had been speaking of him - from the ease with which he wielded that rapier, to the way he had (in Nessa’s opinion, embarrassingly) brought color to their pale future ruler’s cheeks. And every time, it seemed those rumors seemed to appear around Gloxinia. ( How could she not have seen that tension in her wings? ) A whisper in the hall of how gallant the gentleman was, how princelike and how uncanny it was that human tale of Cinderella and a prince at a ball why, was that not like their own soon to be Princess of Snow?
It seemed like every fae in the court had a whispered word about him, usually flattering. Most of it Nessa didn’t pay much mind to ( she should have, she could have known then! ) too busy thinking of other things like getting the rest of Code’s chosen family (or at least, she liked to call them that) to the Court for the Coronation because god knew if she didn’t tell them it was happening and they didn’t get to come, archfae or no it was a Perfection Salad-shaped punishment in her future. There was also the matter of selecting food for said ball (as Gloxinia had affirmed through what had to be the world’s cutest gigglefit she could not, in fact, just feed everyone gummi bears and bubble tea for dinner) music to be played, and most importantly all of the other fiddly bits for transitioning between the Prince and his heir.
But all of that was fine, she decided, she could manage it. As her eyes fell on familiar tumbling violet curls and autumn-red eyes watching the fire in her father’s study, she believed she could do anything. Anything at all, to be a Princess worthy of her devotion. If it was for Gloxinia, she could move a mountain barehanded with a hand tied behind her back.
( How did she not notice the weariness in Gloxinia’s shoulders? How could she not see the trills of anxiety burrowing ever-deeper behind her beloved knight’s eyes? How could she not have known, how didn’t she realize something was wrong why why why had she just grown complacent in her love– )
With that thought in mind, she abandoned the paperwork at the desk that she still could not fully believe was hers to use and waltzed to her summer lover, draping her arms around the knight’s shoulders and pressing a soft kiss to her temple. The fae jolted out of her thoughts and looked up at her, laughing sheepishly and apologizing to her lady as she let herself be leaned to Nessa’s chest.
“We should take a trip when this is over,” Nessa murmured. “Anywhere in the world, you name it. We’ll go.”
“Anywhere you are is where I want to be, my lady,” Gloxinia leaned into her hold, and the thought made Nessa warm.
“Mm… okay! We’ll visit… oh, how about the sword coast in the material plane! There’s this big spooky library with storybooks that really suck you in. Literally. I told you about the pointy big chihuahua, right?”
“I remember the unicorn story,” Gloxinia said after a moment, her hold tightening slightly - then relaxing. “Where would you like to go?”
“Somewhere… somewhere that would make you happy. I know it’s a selfish reason, but when you’re smiling and happy it makes me feel all warm and fluttery inside because well. I like being the reason you smile. Because you’re the reason I smile!”
Nessa could feel some of Gloxinia’s tension leave her now. She smiled a little in spite of herself and snuggled against the top of her beloved’s head. “You’re the reason I can keep going. When you’re in my arms like this - or when I’m in yours - it’s better than caffeine. I get all re-energized because you’re with me!”
“Caffeine, my lady?”
“Oh, er, human thing. Chemical. Gives you more go juice!”
“I see,” Gloxinia said in that way she did when Nessa said something completely nonsensical and she’d just decided to accept it as is. “I am… I am happy to be your caffeine, then. My lady.”
“I love you!”
“I love you, too,”
The conversation closed with a kiss and both of them asleep in front of the fire, only to be awoken by a far too amused Sun Prince coming to check in on her preparations.
The ball approached in the space between heartbeats and Nessa was Over It within 2 of them. It almost made her wish she could retreat underneath a table with a plate of brownies like a child again - ah, but this was different. She had her Gloxinia with her.
And Gloxinia made her strong enough to not need a hiding place. So, she maneuvered through the ball with relative ease: chatting up guests, sneaking mead and honey wine, and– and.
Where WAS Gloxinia, anyway? She hadn’t seen wing nor whisper of the knight in a while. Definitely helped ratchet up the ol’ anxiety-o-meter… but when she turned to look for her she instead stumbled into the arms of–
“Ah, our newly-minted Princess of Snow, we meet again.” Basil, from earlier that week - but after all she’d been hearing of him, lately, it seemed something about him was setting off her unconscious uh-oh! alarm.
His hands on her arms felt slimy. Leggo! “So we uh, do. I’m sorry, but I’m looking for someone–”
Suddenly her chin is caught on something and forced to look Basil in the eyes. Oi, paws off, I mean it– “Me, perhaps?”
Before Nessa can open her mouth to say one of the many interesting Sylvan curse words she learned (or specifically the phrase let go of my hands or I’m freezing your tongue to your dick but polite company and all.) she instead hears a tentative “My Lady?” and hopes Gloxinia realizes the expression Nessa is making is 90% her wanting this Basil guy to get off her face as he says something unimportant– she isn’t really paying attention to the conversation having noticed how much space had been cleared around them and the tension her knight was holding her in her body.
She pushed at Basil’s chest to try and get loose. Nessa needed to go to Gloxinia, now .
“She was just a warlock when you met- did you not think anyone would take her from you? That once she took power someone else would want her and she'd want someone else? I would think the woman who managed to get loose from a deal with Lord Amaranth not once but twice would know–"
Nessa’s blood suddenly stopped cold in her veins as Basil spoke. Now, Gloxinia was well practiced at her poker face - Amaranth was the only one to ever successfully break that facade for even a second. But Nessa had the honor of knowing and loving her for years now… she knew how to read an unspoken signal.
Any other fae would be fooled by it, but Nessa knew the signal of hurt flashing through those red eyes she loved so much. That in turn spoke to her fist, and once she blacked back in Basil was on the floor swearing with a broken nose and her nails had dug so deeply into her fists that they’d left pretty little half-moon dents.
“Do not. EVER. Question my loyalty to my wife to be,” Nessa hissed, breath coming out cold like the snowstorm that protected the Fortress. “I’d sooner rather die than ever leave her for someone else.”
She isn’t fully sure where her confidence is coming from, maybe the plummeting temperature, but Nessa has no trouble turning to face her gathered guests. “Let me make this really clear, just to save anyone else a broken limb - or maybe even their life! Gloxinia is the most important woman in my life. A god couldn’t split us apart! You hear me? A GOD couldn’t succeed, nor would any fae who tries it. If you have any objections, I invite you to take them up with my high heels! ”
“That can be arranged–” Wait, shit. She hadn’t finished Basil off. And when Gloxinia dived to cover her, she suddenly wasn’t sure which of them had screamed but Nessa could guess it was herself.
The rest was a blur, and Nessa came to desperately pleading with her knight to open her eyes again.
And here they were, Nessa now having moved to cradle her fae a little closer, sheltering her with her body. After the chaos had settled down, it turned out Basil was from the Feywild - not the Material Plane as he claimed. Specifically, he was a Summer fae who had formerly been part of Amaranth’s collection. He had fallen in love with the summer lord: after Gloxinia had done something (likely whatever made Amaranth hate her, Nessa would find out soon she hoped) he had tried to return only for the fae to dismiss him. He wanted no chance the violet-curled fae could return to collect on a broken deal, and Basil had… taken offense, having decided to avenge himself.
That was why Gloxinia had been so tense initially, Nessa assumed, because he either should have recognized Gloxinia or at least, acknowledged her. And he had done neither. The constant chatter about him was from simple manipulation - no fae could be charmed, after all, and a number of servants were found with a few extra coin in their pockets. All part of the plan to apparently steal her away from the very fae she loved so much.
Did you not think anyone would take her from you?
Nessa flinched at the memory. That might have also contributed - fear of losing her to someone else? The fragments of her upbringing scratched at the back of her thoughts ( why would she be afraid to lose you ) and were immediately stilled by other, less vicious hands ( she loves you, that’s why ).
Gloxinia loved her, and Nessa hadn’t hardly noticed the way she was hurting. She’d gotten so comfortable loving her that she stopped watching for signs of the end of it, and look where that got her. She’d managed to be responsible for her knight’s agony.
She pulled Gloxinia just a little closer as if hoping her own hammering heart would kickstart her knight’s. It wouldn’t, but she needed SOMETHING to try. Something. Anything, really!
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she whimpered against the top of Gloxinia’s head. “I should have been paying attention, I should have been listening better! I should– I should–”
Nessa choked the words down like medicine and squeezed her eyes shut. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry–”
“M-My lady?”
The voice alone was enough to make Nessa’s eyes fly open and she scooted back just enough to see Gloxinia’s face. “Loxi? Oh, thank the gods.” She immediately went back to that tight hold like she was afraid letting go might make the fae blow away in the wind.
“My lady–”
“Please, please use my name. I was so scared I’d never hear you say it again–”
“Nessa, I need to breathe!”
Nessa must’ve sat there for what felt like years just holding her knight close (though this time a little less tight) before she spoke again. “I’m sorry,” she breathed out like she was hoisting off a heavy weight. “I should have been– I should have thrown him out the second he grabbed my arm.”
“That would have caused a diplomatic incident,” Gloxinia murmured, looking up at her. “I understand why you didn’t.”
“Yes, but - but for a moment, I…”
“...Nessa?”
“...I hurt you,” she said softly. “I didn’t realize what the real goal was. I got too comfortable knowing how much I loved you and how much you loved me that… that I forgot what it felt like to hear someone else say why would she keep you ? You - I love you so much that a world where I didn’t love you seemed impossible, and I thought I’d showed it enough. But… I’m kind of seeing a little bit of what I saw in me in you. Which tells me maybe… maybe I don’t. Or maybe I’m not saying it the right way?”
The silence that followed was damning. “You have your duty to your people, and I have my duty to you as my Lady,” Gloxinia said after a moment.
“Yes, but what about my duty to you as the woman who loves you? ” Nessa pressed.
This silence was less damning, and Gloxinia relaxed into her hold with a slight wince as her wound twinged. “Nessa, you - this wasn’t anything you did, I promise. I suppose you could say this whole encounter brought back a bad memory… did I ever tell you how I managed to make Amaranth despise me so?”
“No, but I always imagined him looking very dumb and you looking very kissable.” Nessa paused to let her poor fiancee recompose herself, having made the dear fae blush. “But in fairness you always look kissable. Sorry, go on?”
“You certainly have a way of disarming these difficult conversations, my dear,” Gloxinia laughed and Nessa could only beam at the warmth in her chest from “my dear”.
“It was a very long time ago,” Gloxinia began between sips of tea. “I was a younger messenger then - foolish, wanting to prove myself to the Summer Queen. I did make a name for myself rather quickly, even despite wanting to stay in the library most of the time… I put my all into it and along the way I did manage to meet a fae maiden. I became… well, friends with her.”
The fact I have not met her is a good sign that something went wrong there, Nessa thought, and reflexively snuggled closer: in reality, she’d managed to pull Gloxinia into her lap and kind of curled around her like a shield. “I guess it didn’t end well.”
Gloxinia sipped her tea. “She ended up in Amaranth’s lands. Part of his collection. Of course I couldn’t let that stand - so I enacted a plan to rescue her and everyone else he’d captured. I offered him a one on one duel - during which I managed to catch him in a cast of Resilient Sphere. Then I flew it into the sky and threatened to dispel it, making him fall to his death if he didn’t let everyone in his collection go free. Ultimately, he accepted the offer with the screaming addendum I was to never return on pain of death. Though that, I imagine, may have been due to the Queen’s prize Jabberwock getting loose in his forest…”
The mental image brought a smile to Nessa’s face as she pressed her cheek to Gloxinia’s temple. “You’re so smart. Bring the Jabberwock as a lure, accidentally let it go to cause problems on purpose, hold him somewhere he can’t do anything about it… so cool !”
“It did admittedly work well. But when we got back, I took a moment to speak with the maiden about the situation and… well in fairness, I don’t remember how the topic came up, but we were talking of romance. And I mentioned how lovely and ethereal other fae were.”
Nessa leans over to sneak a sip of tea from Gloxinia’s cup. “But none more so than you!”
Gloxinia pauses, her shoulders braced by Nessa’s chest. “...I am glad you believe so, Nessa. The maiden in question did not.” The laugh that shakes Gloxinia’s frame is bitter. “And while she did not say it directly, she made it rather clear what she thought: suggesting I change nearly everything about myself. It started to haunt me after a while, comparing myself to the other fae - finding myself wanting.”
“But you’re so perfect, ” Nessa gawps, then coughs. “I-I mean–”
“I’d say the same about you, my dear,” her knight said with a coy laugh. “But when I came to your father that day - I’ll never forget it. Your existence was always known to the court - Winter’s only warlock, the one person his power was lent to. We used to wonder what you were like. I didn’t think I’d see you that day, but there you were: smiling at me and cheerfully calling hello, pretty fae! And in that moment, I forgot all of that. All I knew was I had to see you again. ”
Years on and Gloxinia still made her heart hammer with simple declarations. Nessa didn’t respond this time, just snuggled a little closer and kissed Gloxinia’s cheek.
“...Which is why Basil got to me, I suppose,” the fae sighed. “In that moment, I lost track of everything I knew and went back to that moment that maiden made me feel… lesser than. And with all the rumors and everyone constantly going on about him - and that moment he had your attention, I…”
“...You got scared,” Nessa concludes. “Just like I do.”
“A knight is never afraid, Nessa.”
It’s okay. I won’t make you say it. Nessa hmmed softly to herself, pressing another kiss to Gloxinia’s temple. “...It’s okay to be afraid. I’m going to be an archfae and I’m afraid of everything. But do you know what scares me most?”
“Running out of gummi bears?” Gloxinia offers wryly, laughing as Nessa looks mock-terrified and dives to leave more kisses on her neck.
“That is a terrible thought but far from the worst! I’d sooner rather give up gummies forever than face my worst fear: it’s losing you, Gloxinia.” Nessa pauses, taking in her stunned expression. “You're the reason I try so hard. I want to make my father proud, sure - but when I look over all of my court... All I can think about is being the kind of princess you'd be happy to serve. The kind of princess who you can feel pride in loving. YOUR princess. Yours. Just like the pride and happiness I feel knowing you're my knight. ...just being able to say you're mine makes these little happy sparks go dancing in my stomach, haha."
She pauses again, pressing another kiss to the top of Gloxinia’s head. “I don’t know what that other girl was thinking when she said that to you, because she was wrong. You’re perfect the way you are just by being you - I don’t care how other fae are. None of them are you. None of them could be you. And even if they could get close… I’d never in my life want anyone else. I know I say this all the time, but… I never wanted anything as much as I’ve wanted you.”
“Nessa,” Gloxinia breathes out softly, eyes locked on hers.
“I love you. I’d happily kill or die for you,” Nessa whispers against her knight’s hand. “So let them talk. Let them try. If that pain comes to call, come back to me and I’ll do whatever you need me to in order to soothe it. I can’t really take it away from you, I know… but if I can help make it hurt less when it comes, I want to.”
“Whatever it takes,” she promises with a kiss to her wife to be’s knuckles, “I will love you loudly and without shame, because you are so, so worth that love.”
There would be other incidents over the years - other fae who thought they could contest the devotion Winter’s daughter bore for her Summer bride. Each time they would find themself rebuffed, rebuked, and if they were particularly unlucky: dead.
Nessa would have no less. As she promised, she shouted her love from every rooftop: every first and last dance was only for her wife, every toast had some epithet or dedication to her. She loved her wife the way she lived: as loudly as she could.
It was a simple enough task. Leading the feywild wasn't easy, protecting her was harder. But being in love with Gloxinia was the simplest thing she’d ever done, and oh, it was a task she would love to repeat for the thousands of years the wild had a Princess of Snow. Because it wasn’t luck, and it wasn’t fate: Nessa loved Gloxinia on purpose.