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Ava and Beatrice don’t plan to share a bed when they return from Switzerland.
It’s sort of an unspoken thing. They’re hiding out at Dr. Salvius’ house as they prepare for the final confrontation with Adriel, and there’s plenty of room for everyone. Ava gets one of the nicer guest bedrooms, upon Beatrice’s insistence.
‘You’re our leader, and you need as much rest as possible if you’re going to fight Adriel,’ she’d said. Ava almost asks her to share out of instinct, but everyone else is in the room with them. Beatrice doesn’t bring it up, so she lets it go.
Beatrice is still a nun, in whatever context that means to her now. Ava is not about to assume anything. Things were different in Switzerland. They were freer.
Mother Superion gets her own guest room too, but the other sisters share. Cots are arranged so that two, three people can fit in one room. With all the new arrivals, it’s practical, Ava gets that. But she has a bed big enough for two and she’s just shared with Beatrice every single night for over a month. The guest room itself is almost as big as their apartment’s living space.
It feels vacant. It’s not lived-in the way their apartment was. With Ava’s clothes scattered about and the smell of Beatrice’s cooking in the air. With the mismatched trinkets that Ava collected and the sound of Beatrice’s laugh.
Ava never thought she could miss a space so much.
She’d never shared a bed with anyone before, but she quickly fell in love with it. There’s something comforting about having a warm body beside her. Someone she trusts unequivocally. She’s also never experienced such intimacy before, and watching Beatrice sleep was easily one of her favourite parts. With her brow relaxed and her expression unguarded. A side that she knows nobody else gets to see.
Ava could barely even write by that stage (Beatrice had been teaching her), but she still wishes she could draw it and commit every stroke to memory.
In the first week or so, they rarely touched. Usually it was by accident when Ava kicked Beatrice in her sleep. One morning, Ava woke to realise she had thrown her arm over Beatrice in the night. They weren’t really spooning , per se, but Ava’s heart still thundered loudly in her ears. For some reason, she worried that Beatrice would use it as an excuse to sleep on the couch. She didn’t want to cross any boundaries and ruin this beautiful yet fragile thing they had going.
Beatrice’s expression when she woke up will forever be burned into Ava’s brain. Mostly because it involved poorly-hidden surprise and a lovely blush on her freckled cheeks.
Sometimes Ava would have nightmares about being trapped inside the wall of Adriel’s tomb. They weren’t very frequent, but Beatrice is a light sleeper. Ava remembers waking up from each nightmare to Beatrice’s hand on her shoulder, her arm, her back. Once, when Beatrice was particularly sleepy, she’d cupped Ava’s cheek, her thumb briefly grazing her cheekbone. Ava never said anything about it. That one she kept just for herself.
Sometimes they fell asleep holding hands. A couple of times Ava broke down and cried into Beatrice’s chest, and she’d fallen asleep like that. Exactly four times had Ava woken up with Beatrice’s face so close to the back of her neck she could feel her breath.
If Ava was extremely lucky, Beatrice would run her thumb along Ava’s hairline when she thought she was sleeping.
(Ava became very good at pretending to be asleep.)
All of these were gifts, as Beatrice generally woke up a lot earlier than Ava did.
All in all, Beatrice never got too close, as much as Ava wished she had. She’s not sure what she’d expected to happen. Feelings for Beatrice had definitely emerged as time went on, and it was as natural as breathing. Getting her drunk for the first time was a religious experience in itself. She’d almost kissed her right there, outside the bar as they danced.
But falling in love with a Catholic nun is a little complicated, Ava has learned. Especially when you’re on a mission to save the world and there’s a good chance you’ll have to sacrifice yourself at any moment to achieve it.
Ava thought they’d have a little more time in Switzerland, and now that they’re back, reality has come crashing down on both of them.
She misses the Beatrice she got to see with her hair down. She misses the Beatrice that laughed more in a day than she’d seen the entire time she’d known her. She misses the Beatrice that drunkenly touched her waist while they danced. That Beatrice is still there, of course, but it’s never been more apparent to Ava that this Beatrice - the kickass OCS warrior - is just a fraction of who she is.
And with the Adriel confrontation close at hand, Ava’s not sure if she’ll have the privilege of unravelling more of her mysteries.
Things have been relentless since they received the call. It’s only when Ava falls from the sky and is revived in her arms that Beatrice feels the world stop.
They’d lived in a bubble in Switzerland. Things changed. Rules were broken. Beatrice crossed some lines - more emotional than physical - that she can’t take back. She wouldn’t want to even if the opportunity was handed to her. The more time she’d spent with Ava in the Alps, the more the things she was taught were ‘wrong’ no longer felt that way.
Almost as if Ava was slowly beginning to heal her from the inside out. The personification of the Halo itself.
Then she and Ava are attacked on the streets of Madrid. Father Vincent kidnapped Ava and Beatrice spent hours looking for her, her stomach in knots. Today, the Halo failed in mid-air and Ava plummeted, and the part of Beatrice that almost died with her still hasn’t completely recovered.
So, that night, she paces the house.
Normally when she can’t sleep (or doesn’t want to), she’ll wear herself out with some sort of training. But Dr. Salvius’ home isn’t particularly equipped for that, and she can’t exactly leave. She’s a little out of her depth. Having to sit with pent up emotions isn’t exactly her area of expertise.
She tries to read a book in the study, but her brain is too tired to focus on all of the scientific jargon. She even goes outside, the crisp night air providing some relief for her muddled thoughts. These things only help in the short term though.
So naturally, like being drawn into a black hole, she finds herself hovering near Ava’s room.
Beatrice knows Ava generally doesn’t sleep until much later than she should. However, she’s not sure what kind of effect the day’s events have had on her. She approaches silently, hoping to hear some kind of sound that would indicate she’s awake. When she doesn’t hear anything, she peeks past the curtain to see Ava lying on her bed, clearly lost in thought.
She’s wearing grey shorts and a dark t-shirt, and Beatrice has to immediately avert her gaze away from her thighs. She knocks on the wall beside the curtain.
“Bea,” Ava spots her, sitting upright immediately. Her voice is impossibly soft, the way it tends to be when she gets tired. One of her many endearing qualities. “Hi.”
Suddenly, Beatrice feels embarrassed to be there. Why is she here again? Right, because Ava is the sun and Beatrice is just hopelessly caught in her gravity. “Hi. I just… I wanted to check on you.” Beatrice is painfully aware that it’s the world’s worst excuse, but it’s too late now.
Ava smiles, patting the bed next to her, like she’d been waiting for her to show up this whole time. “I thought you’d be asleep by now.”
“Me, too.” Beatrice confesses, entering the room and sitting beside her. She studies Ava’s face, as if she’s going to find the answer to every question right there in her features. “Are you feeling alright?”
“You mean after basically dying? Yeah,” Ava dismisses it with a wave of the hand. “Not even my closest brush with death.” She pauses before frowning and shaking her head. “Sorry, that was-”
Humour at inappropriate moments is Ava’s forte, so Beatrice isn’t particularly surprised by her response. Instead, she glances past Ava’s face. She’s had a shower since they returned, so there’s no longer blood in her hair or streaking out of her ears. The Halo will have erased all traces of her fall. Like it never happened at all.
“Earth to Bea,” Ava’s voice breaks her out of her thoughts. When Beatrice refocuses her eyes on Ava’s, she’s smiling. “Are you feeling okay?”
Beatrice feels like a pot of boiling water that’s about to overflow. She doesn’t want to come undone right now, in front of Ava like this. It feels selfish. There’s so much more at stake than her own emotions. Ava has so much more to focus on than Beatrice replaying the moment she hit the ground over and over and over and-
She opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out.
Ava’s expression changes, and Beatrice feels a warm hand cover hers. “Thinking about today, too?”
If someone told her mind reading was an official Halo-bearer ability, Beatrice would believe it.
Beatrice ducks her head, suddenly very interested in a loose thread in her pants. “It was a lot, yes.” So much so that now she’s here, craving the simple closeness that they currently share. She doesn’t want to leave Ava’s side. Not because she’s the Warrior Nun, but because she’s Ava. The thought of being without her is too much to bear.
Ava considers her with the world’s most earnest expression. “You should stay tonight,” she offers gently.
Beatrice’s head snaps up to look at her. That’s the absolute last thing she expected to hear in response. She only stares for a moment, her brain short-circuiting in the way it tends to do when Ava catches her off-guard. Ava’s voice is so soft that it creates a familiar ache in her chest. That familiar ache that reminds her she wants more.
“Only if you want to,” she adds quickly. Her eyes betray her vulnerability, as if she’s worried Beatrice is going to decline.
Of course, Beatrice should. She really should. But God, there’s nothing she wants more right now than to share a space with Ava. Just the two of them. She wants to give in to the pull, let gravity do its thing.
As soon as Beatrice nods in assent, Ava smiles. “Okay, great.” Her enthusiasm makes it sound like it’s about to be the world’s greatest slumber party. Just two girls. Having a slumber party. Absolutely normal. Nothing unusual about it. Not at all.
The two of them get ready for bed in a similar way to Switzerland, instantly falling back into the same routine. If they both went to bed at the same time, Ava would jump under the covers first and curl herself up like a pill bug. Beatrice would turn off any lights, because she’s far less likely to be clumsy in the dark. They would both settle into their respective sides of the bed, Beatrice listening to Ava breathing.
The underlying tension between them had always been there, less than an arm’s length away from each other. At least, there on Beatrice’s end. But she’d been repressed for so long that she knew how to deal with it. She knows how to squash her feelings down. Except, she’s smart, and she knows when you push something down, it’s likely to spring up again when you least expect it.
This time, it’s comfortable. They get in beside one another and Ava pulls her legs up and Beatrice turns to face her in the dark. Even though they can’t really see each other, she can tell Ava is watching her. Waiting for some other crack to appear in Beatrice’s composure.
It doesn’t take long. The familiar intimacy of this is causing Beatrice’s chest to cave in, and not being able to see anything means all she can think about is Ava hitting the ground again.
“Ava?” Beatrice asks, her voice breaking a little. “Could you move a little closer?”
“Yeah.” Even in the dark, Beatrice can visualise the look on Ava’s face. Her expression dangerously soft, with eyes that she could easily fall into. Often when Ava looks at her, it’s like being hypnotised.
Maybe it’s a good thing the dark offers her only the most basic shapes of Ava’s form.
Ava shuffles closer, and the proximity change is like a haze that settles over them. They’re both silent for a few moments, as Beatrice mulls over her next words in her head. She reaches for the space that remains between them, her fingertips pressing against the mattress.
“You didn’t answer my question earlier.” Ava’s voice is soft, not insistent. Like she’s trying to coax a small animal to her side.
“I almost lost you.” It’s a simple statement, and Beatrice doesn’t know if she can go deeper. She doesn’t think she can say that losing her would be excruciating. That Ava carries all the little broken pieces of Beatrice’s heart - in her hands, in her chest, in those beautifully rich eyes of hers. That Ava is the key to saving the world, yes, but Beatrice still has selfish thoughts about running away with her and leaving it all behind.
But it must be something in her voice that gives it all away. Ava reaches for the front of the sweatshirt Beatrice is wearing - she wears it to bed specifically because Ava had picked out for her in Switzerland - and just holds it. “Bea…”
Beatrice can feel herself choking up at just the one syllable. Maybe it’s the dark, maybe it’s because she’s only focusing on her voice. Maybe it’s because Ava’s the only person who has ever truly seen her. “I’m sorry…” She doesn’t even know why she’s apologising.
“Beatrice,” Ava says with a little more clarity, and the use of her full name commands her attention. She tugs on her sweatshirt. “Come here.”
Beatrice slides closer without a thought, and they would be nose to nose if Ava didn’t adjust and wrap her arm around Beatrice’s shoulders. Beatrice lets her guide her body, pulling her in so that her head is soundly tucked underneath Ava’s.
As soon as she realises what Ava is doing, tears prick at her eyes and her shoulders shudder slightly. “I’m here,” Ava says gently. “No demons, no possessed people, no stupid fake angels. Just me. Just you.”
Beatrice’s arms weave around Ava’s back, her tears silently soaking into Ava’s shirt. She knows Ava can’t promise that she’s not going anywhere - that she’ll come out the other side of this fight - but Beatrice desperately wishes she could. Even if it is all a lie.
“I’m here,” Ava repeats into her hair, nothing more than a whisper.
Ava’s natural scent is almost as comforting as being held. It’s mixed with the floral scent of whatever soap she used earlier and Beatrice feels consumed by it, wanting this moment to stretch on for as long as it possibly can.
“Thank you,” Beatrice murmurs, her nose pressing against Ava’s chest. She’s never felt this vulnerable in front of another person. This safe.
She can feel Ava shake her head above her. “You’ve been on comfort Ava duty since I got the Halo,” Ava jokes, and Beatrice smiles. “I should pull my weight a little more.”
“You have done more than enough for me, Ava.”
If only Ava knew.
It’s not news to Beatrice that she’s in love with Ava Silva. She knows because she feels it in every part of her body and soul - when Ava speaks, when she laughs, when she holds her while she cries. It couldn’t be more simple but it couldn’t be more complicated.
So she lets it hang in the air around them. Lets Ava take care of her in a way she’s never let anyone else. Lets herself fall deeper and deeper. In the dark. Silent.
“I miss Switzerland,” Ava says, out of nowhere, her tone conveying the longing that Beatrice feels.
“Things were certainly easier,” Beatrice notes. What things, however, she doesn’t specify.
“I miss Hans,” Ava declares, and Beatrice can tell by her tone that she’s smiling. “And that barista who made me a different coffee every day until I found one I liked.”
“That barista had a crush on you,” Beatrice responds. Which really isn’t saying much: Beatrice hadn’t come across a single person in Switzerland that they interacted with regularly who wasn’t starry eyed whenever Ava walked into the room. The barista. Their twenty-something year old neighbours. The regulars at the bar. That one employee at the grocery store who always stopped flirting as soon as Beatrice flashed him a very specific look.
The point is, Beatrice can relate.
Ava only hums, like the thought isn’t interesting enough to linger on. Instead, she yawns, before adding, “Thank you for taking me there.”
Beatrice hadn’t exactly picked the Alps out of the blue - it’d also been on Ava’s very long list of ‘dream destinations’. That, coupled with their town being very secluded and out of the way, made it seem like a good fit.
Beatrice moves her head slightly, painfully aware of how close she is to Ava’s heart. “You’re welcome.” I would do it again. Wherever you wanted.
Ava yawns again, and Beatrice expects her to move into a proper sleeping position. Instead, she only shifts a little, her arms tightening slightly, and Beatrice hears a quiet, “Is this okay?”
Beatrice is still wrapped up in Ava’s arms, head against her chest. Knowing how Ava sleeps, the positions will have completely changed by morning, but for now, she’s happy to curl her arm over Ava’s waist and savour the moment.
“Yes,” Beatrice responds, a little too quickly. She’s tired, and it’s betraying her. “It’s nice.”
Ava settles in, and Beatrice swears she can feel the ghost of her lips on her hairline. As she drifts off to sleep, she thinks back on Camila’s words.
It’s loving the Warrior Nun that’s the hard part.
And how right she was.