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Kairi couldn’t figure out why she was so nervous.
She had met Aqua before, on multiple occasions now. Despite the fact that it seemed to be embedded into Kairi’s nature that she would humiliate herself before the Keyblade Master again and again, Aqua had always been kind and patient, more patient than Kairi realized was possible for a person to be. There was no reason to think that patience should expire now, no reason to fear that Aqua would see a young novice at her doorstep and turn her away in disgust.
But, as much as Kairi could understand that with her head, she couldn’t translate the thought to her heart. As she stood in the hallway in the Land of Departure, her hand half outstretched to knock on Aqua’s door, she found herself utterly petrified with fear.
Somewhere in the sea of thoughts she was trying to swim her way up through, it occurred to her that the master was trained from childhood to be perceptive and cautious. She’d likely already noticed the shadow Kairi was casting underneath her door, which meant two things. First, it was too late for her to turn back. And second, Aqua had decided not to open the door herself.
When Kairi told Master Yen Sid about her wishes to train with Aqua, he explained she would have to wait until she returned from her trip to the Realm of Darkness. Kairi had gone back home to Destiny Islands, as she had become so accustomed to doing, and continued her studies at school. She’d marked X’s on her calendar for every day she wasted on math exams and literature lessons while Riku searched for Sora in the far-off realm of unreality. At night, she lay awake, wondering if the next time she tried to summon her Keyblade, her hand would be met with empty air.
Of course she’d jumped up at the first word she received that Aqua and her friends had returned, and she'd left for the Land of Departure without a word to her parents. But, now that she was here, at her door…
Aqua must be exhausted. Such a long journey into the Realm of Darkness would take a toll on anyone, not to mention someone who had only just recently managed to escape from its clutches. There can’t have been enough time for Yen Sid to have informed her of her task, so Kairi was arriving here unannounced. What if Aqua didn’t even agree to teach her, and all of her waiting at home had been for nothing?
What if she did agree to teach her, and-?
Kairi shook her head violently and forced herself to ball up her fist and knock on the door.
After a mere fraction of a second, she had her reply. “Yes?”
“Master Aqua? It’s-”
“Kairi.” The door opened quickly to reveal a smiling Aqua. It had only been a year since Kairi had last seen her, but she looked older. Her hair was longer, and now fell past her shoulders in multiple layers, messy and unstyled. There were dark bags under her eyes, but while they betrayed a clear lack of sleep, there wasn’t a hint of darkness in her aura. Kairi wondered if there was truly none to be found, or if her not seeing it spoke more of her own failing as a Princess of Heart.
A white robe with a violet lining was draped over Aqua’s shoulders, and as Kairi stood staring at her, she pulled it tighter around her.
“I didn’t know to expect your visit,” she said, filling the silence. “What a pleasant surprise!”
Kairi made herself smile, and a twisted sense of pride arose in her when she could hear the smile in her voice. “I’m happy to see you’re alright. Is it okay if I come in?”
“Of course!” Aqua said, stepping aside and opening the door further. “Please, make yourself at home.”
Aqua’s bedroom was elegantly decorated, with a tall bookcase and a white table and chair in the corner to read. Handmade glass artwork adorned the walls and hung from the ceiling in vibrant colors, catching light from the setting sun and reflecting it onto the walls in intricate dancing shapes. Her armor was off and put on display at the foot of her bed, which was made - the dark blue and white quilt covered by the contents of an emptied out canvas bag. Leftover supplies and equipment from the journey, of course.
Before Kairi could sit down, Aqua was clearing opened books from the table and setting down teacups and a fresh pot for the two of them.
“I’m sorry for the mess,” she said, with genuine distress in her tone. “I normally try to be a much better host.”
Being fussed over had always made Kairi feel uncomfortable. She waved her hand from side to side, and tried to make it look dismissive rather than desperate. “That’s okay - really.”
Finally, Aqua sat down across from her. She poured herself a cup of tea and took a long sip before meeting her eyes. “Well, I suppose it’s better to tell you the truth now rather than later. I’m so, so sorry, Kairi. I wish I could tell you we came back with good news-”
“You didn’t find him,” Kairi said gently, setting her own cup back on its saucer.
Aqua’s eyebrows rose. “You already knew?”
Kairi nodded. “Actually, that’s sort of what I came to talk to you about. We think we might know where he is.” And then, she set about the complicated matter of explaining what she and the scientists at Radiant Garden understood about the world of “unreality,” the fictional world where her best friends now resided.
Aqua listened without asking any questions, showing nothing in her expression but taking thoughtful sips from her cup. When Kairi was finished, her eyebrows knit together. “But, Kairi, I don’t understand. If Sora’s there now, and you found a way to get there, then… Forgive me, but… why are you here?”
Kairi’s heart sank. She had been avoiding that part of the story.
“Well…” She ran her finger along the edge of the cup, gazing into the amber colored liquid. “Last year, when the final battle between us and the thirteen darknesses started, Axel and I had to be there… even though we hadn’t finished our training. I haven't been able to finish that training since. Riku went through the portal to find Sora, and I know that if anyone can help our friend, it’s him. But, as for me…”
She chanced a look back up at Aqua and found her calm composure had faltered. There was a crease in her forehead now, and her lips were pursed together. Kairi only needed a glance to recognize the expression, for it was one she knew well: pity. She looked away.
“I’m not strong enough to face the dangers that might wait in Quadratum. I can wish all I want that that wasn’t the case, but I know it’s true. That’s why I have to train. And, Aqua…” She looked back up and met the master’s gaze, unwavering. “I hoped I could train with you.”
Their gazes remained locked for a moment as Aqua took that in. Then, Aqua let out a sigh and let her cheek on her hand as she looked to the floor in thought.
Then, “Of course I’ll train you, Kairi. I would be honored to train you. But, you-”
“I want to be a master, like you!” Kairi blurted. She could feel her cheeks burning, but she didn’t care. Her words tumbled over themselves, rushing out of her. “Sora couldn’t pass his exam - I know it won’t be easy. But I’m prepared to put in whatever work needs to be done. However many hours it takes! I want to be there for my friends! For once in my life, I want to be what they need. I can’t fail them again, Aqua, I can’t!”
Aqua reached out her hand, and though it faltered, it came to rest on top of her own. Kairi hadn’t realized it had been shaking. She took deep breath after deep breath, pointing her gaze to the ceiling to keep a flood of tears at bay. She could only hope Aqua couldn’t see, though in truth she knew better.
Mercifully, Aqua didn’t speak for a while, and she didn’t ask Kairi to say anything more. When Kairi could look at her again, she said, calmly, “I will do everything I can to help you, Kairi. But, I don’t want to hear you say things like that about yourself.” Kairi bit her lip to keep it from trembling. “Take it from someone who knows what it’s like to doubt oneself - the path of doubt is the easiest path to darkness. Do you understand?”
Kairi knew she couldn’t manage words, so she nodded - one quick, decisive gesture. Though it did little to convey how she truly felt.
“Good. Then, let’s see what you can do.”
Master Aqua walked the path to her old training grounds with the ease of familiarity, Kairi following closely at her heels. Though she must have still been exhausted from her travels, she moved about the space with quickness and precision, setting up training dummies just so and testing the metal rings which swung around a fixed wooden center.
When she wasn’t looking, Kairi held her hand out in front of herself, heart frozen in fear. She closed her eyes and summoned her Keyblade, and the fear was silenced when she felt it in her grip, just as always.
Aqua turned back to her with a smile and stretched her arms above her. “Alright! Now, don’t feel too pressured to perform, alright? I just want you to do a couple warm-ups with anything you’ve learned - whatever you feel comfortable with. I’m not going to coach you or give you any kind of grade - just let loose, okay? I’ll be over here.” She turned over her shoulder and lept gracefully up the side of a cliff, then perched beside a waterfall, offering her one last encouraging smile before Kairi turned away.
She picked a dummy and practiced the most basic swings she’d learned. One, two, three. Defend. One, two, three. Defend. Then, she fell into her usual rhythm, hopping a few steps to the side before launching into another flurry of attacks. In an instant, the stuffed training dummy before her was Axel, throwing out cheesy quips and promising her he wouldn’t hold back this time - a promise he never managed to keep, despite her best efforts.
She hit him with a series of fire spells just to tease him, then launched a trail of ice beneath her feet and rode it in a circle around him. She threw her Keyblade in front of her, then leapt forward, cutting though the space in between and catching it just in time to hit him with another volley, not leaving him or herself a single moment to breathe.
Without having to worry about any real attacks coming her way, Kairi could focus all her energy on her assault, and for the first time since she faced off against Xehanort at Sora’s side, she put everything she had into it. The bursts of light from her magic lit up the dark training grounds as she danced around them, hitting every target in her path. This one was Ansem, stopped before he could launch the chain of events that messed with the lives of her friends. That one was Xemnas, spotted before he could grab her and destroy everything she'd managed to build for herself. This group of targets was Xehanort, and all of the people who’d found it within themselves to stand behind him despite all of the wicked things he'd done.
The next one, though she would never admit it to a soul, was Riku, ready to leave her behind again without a second thought. No, without any thought at all. If Kairi hadn’t spoken up, would he have even turned around to notice her?
Spent, Kairi fell forward and caught her balance with her Keyblade, stuck into the dirt. She tried to focus on catching her breath, but the thoughts she had tried to leave in the dust now caught up to her and launched their own attacks. What was she doing, thinking such things of one of her best friends? All he wanted was to save Sora, same as her. And why couldn’t she stop dwelling on these events that had very little to do with her at all? Why couldn't she let go of these men who had barely spared a thought for her and her fate, despite the years of pent-up hatred she held in her heart for them?
And this display that had her gasping for breath now - what was she trying to prove with it? And who was she trying to prove it to?
She didn’t notice that Aqua had approached her until she felt a hand on her shoulder, startling her. Kairi pushed her bangs from her face and looked up at her.
Aqua had a small, unreadable smile on her face as she sat beside her, inviting Kairi to do the same.
“Do you want to know a secret?” she asked as they looked at the waterfall together. “A secret passed down only to masters, so they might teach it to their students?”
Kairi looked at her and nodded, beads of sweat still on her brow.
“The secret to being a master isn’t strength or power - not at all. The reason Terra failed, the reason - I’m willing to bet - Sora failed… It wasn’t a lack of strength, or technique, or practice. It all comes back to doubt. Kairi…” Aqua turned again to look at her, conviction in her eyes. “You are already a talented, driven, capable Keyblade wielder. I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you that, but you are.”
Before Kairi could open her mouth to protest, Aqua shook her head.
“More than that,” she said. “You’re a devoted friend, and a fiercely loyal heart. What happened last year was not your fault, any of it. Xehanort-” Kairi could hear how it pained her to say the name, even after all this time. “Played all of us like pawns, and in his cruelty he saw you as a piece he could play in his game. He thought himself a tactical genius, but that's not how I see it.
"What he was was callous, manipulative, and hard-hearted. We should never have played into his game the way we did, but our hands were tied - we can take responsibility all we like, but the true person to blame is him. Not you, Kairi. To hear you call what happened a failure on your part... I'm so sorry you've felt that way all this time."
Tears spilled down Kairi’s face before she could even think to stop them. In moments, her shoulders were shaking with sobs, and Aqua put an arm around her and pulled her close.
“Sometimes, I don’t think I’m worthy of my title. Did you know that?”
Kairi looked up at Aqua and shook her head, sniffling.
“When I was trapped in the Realm of Darkness, there were stretches of time that could’ve been weeks, months, years… where all I could think about was how I’d failed. I had done what I could to rescue my friends, but they were still alone in that world without me, and for all I knew they could have been dead. I was meant to be a warrior of the light, but the light had deserted me. Sometimes, I resented it. I don’t blame myself anymore for what became of me, for the fate Sora and Riku had to save me from. I held out as long as I could. But, I know how it feels to be drowning in despair, and to sink yourself even further with doubt.”
Kairi’s voice was barely audible through her sobs. “What do I do?”
“You’ve already done it, time and time again. You pick yourself back up again, and you hope. You try. You cling to the light with every ounce of strength you have left. The fact that you’re here, Kairi, means you’ve already done the hardest thing there is to do.”
Kairi wiped her eyes. “I wanted-”
“I know. But, you have nothing to prove, to me or to anyone. You’re strong enough. You are.” Aqua got to her feet and held her hand out for Kairi, helping her up. Kairi brushed herself off and wiped more tears from her face, though it was an empty effort. “I’ve seen enough. Kairi, I think you’re ready for your Mark of Mastery. Go and be with your friends - they may not know it, but they need you now more than ever.”
Wordlessly, Kairi lunged forward and wrapped her arms around her master, feeling all at once heavy and lighter than she’d ever felt.
When Kairi pulled away from the hug, Aqua found her hand and wrapped her own around it, eyes creased with her smile. Now that she’d seen it, Kairi knew it was the realest one she’d offered her since she’d arrived.
“Go,” Aqua said again. “And may your heart be your guiding key.”