Work Text:
“-little Christmas
If the fates allow
Hang your shining st-”
I’m standing alone in the toy aisle of the store and I’m not sure how I got here.
Music plays through the speakers, the gentle melodies mixing in with the constant chatter of people. I faintly hear the worn out wheels of shopping carts squeaking, tirelessly trying to keep up with the vigor of those who push them. I can feel everyone else’s eagerness in every noise I hear.
I have no place here. I don’t have any children and I’ve never been one to celebrate Christmas either. It’s just not for me.
My eyes still wander in the aisle, glancing at the array of perfect plastic dolls with glassy eyes and shiny miniature cars in countless hues.
There’s a section filled with plush versions of every creature imaginable. All of them placed in neat lines, separated by cardboard divisions. At the end I spot one that looks misplaced.
My hand reaches out to touch it.
Wheels squeak close to me.
My arm retracts.
“ Here we are as in olden days
Happy golden days of y-”
The person's eyes meet my own as I glance at them. They give me a smile, and I pull my own. It makes my eyes burn.
I stand there for a minute before I turn away, taking quick steps out the aisle. I didn’t have any business being there anyway. My feet wander to the pre packed foods section, the reason I came here in the first place.
I gave myself limited time to get what I needed. The risk of being out in public is still too high so these store trips are better off quick. I’ve never had a problem with this so I don’t know why I’m taking so long this time.
Taking a basket from the stack at the end of the aisle, I begin picking out the bare necessities. Though it’s pointless since most of these will stay uneaten, I still need to at least make an effort to keep myself alive for long enough.
I’m reaching for a fourth cup of instant ramen when I hear people come up behind me.
“Can we get candy too?” The voice of a child pleas.
“ Sigh. Alright I guess we can, but pick out something your brothers will like too.” A man replies, probably the father.
My hand stills in front of the shelf of ramen for a second as I look behind my shoulder. A little girl sits at the cart, hair done in pigtails and wearing a pink dress. Little fingers play with one of her fathers hands as he picks out a can of peas. My eyes lock on him as he turns to place it in the cart.
The man is rather tall, with dark hair and bright eyes. He’s wearing a thick tan jacket and a black shirt underneath. I can see the stubble from his chin from where I stand.
Quickly, I turn my head back around, toss a cup of ramen in the basket and scramble out of there. I keep walking until I’m anywhere else, away from the sense of familiarity.
“ Faithfull friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more”
I end up at the Christmas decor section this time where everything is bright and all the twinkling lights blind my eyes. There’s little children marveling at the displays, eyes drawn to all the pretty colors and shapes. I head to the next aisle.
I’m at the gift wrapping section now. The shelves are lined with paper bows and bags decorated in red and green. Gifts sets are at the opposite side and there’s a woman in piling a few in her cart.
Looking down at my basket makes me feel pathetic.
Everywhere I turned I saw people stacking boxes of toys in their carts. Theirs are full of food that’s definitely going to be shared with a large group.
Some carry candy canes and bags of gumdrops along with snowman shaped chocolate.
Ornaments and lights that come in an assortment of colors.
Tissue paper and tape dispensers.
And mine?
Four cups of ramen, a couple cans of crab, and a cheap bottle of alcohol.
I stare ahead at the paper bags on display. There’s one directly in front of me that’s covered in snowflakes. Another next to it with a picture of a large man dressed in red with a text bubble.
“For being good this year!”
My hand twitches. My heart is beating erratically, my head feels fogged and I still have no fucking clue what I’m doing here.
I feel overwhelmed, and I should probably leave but I can’t bring myself to move. Not until I settle this feeling.
This is probably the stupidest, most pointless thing I’ll have ever done in my life.
I speed walk to the nearest empty cart, finding one that was seemingly abandoned near the ornaments section. Dumping all my things inside, I push the cart in the direction of the toys aisle.
My hands reach out to grab random things, I don’t even know what half the things I threw in the cart are. I’d rather not think twice about what I’m doing, I just want to finish quickly so I can leave.
Five boxes of toys lay in the cart. That should be enough for things to simmer down. Just so that I don’t feel that persistent, gnawing ache anymore. That’s all I’m doing this for. Call it reparations.
I push on ahead, back to the Christmas decor section. There’s miniature Christmas trees near the end. I grab one of those along with a box of candy canes someone must’ve left behind.
Looking around, I make sure there’s no one around before pulling at the bandages covering my wrist. Two one hundred dollar bills are revealed along with thin scar lines. That should be enough.
I slip out the money, fix my bandages and head to the register. The cashier gives me a smile. She’s an older woman, probably around her forties. My hands tremble slightly as I watch her scan my items.
“Shopping for your sibling hun? How sweet, I can never get my oldest to get along with the tiny ones.” She gives a hearty chuckle. I laugh along.
There’s no reason to correct her, I’ll just let her assume whatever she pleases. It doesn’t have to mean a thing.
She finishes ringing me up while I bag my things and put them in the shopping cart. Paper rips as she pulls out my receipt. I reach out to grab it along with my change.
“Bye hun, have a good one, and happy holidays.”
I pocket my change and give her a smile.
“ Thank you ma’am, you too.” A subtle trace of an accent slips out as I reply. I can’t bring myself to care about that right now.
When I get to the exit I spot a cardboard donation box that’s half full of toys. Reaching in the cart, I grab the five toys I picked out, dump them in and keep moving. No room for dwelling, just need to keep going forward, and away from that stupid box. Before walking out of the store, I take out the rest of my bags and leave the cart behind.
The metro stop isn’t too far from here. I wait near the bench for it and slip in when it comes by. Taking a seat, I settle my things in the empty space next to me and put whatever I can fit in my lap.
My eyes stayed glued to the window the whole time, watching the buildings and scenery fade behind as we drove on. I fight back the twinge I feel at how foreign it all still looks to me.
Don’t. It’ll be worth the wait.
The metro finally arrives at my stop. I grab my things and walk out, heading towards a building still a ways ahead.
Eventually I make it to the apartment I’m currently staying at, one that Ango helped me find. As much as I despise thinking about it, he has been surprisingly helpful throughout this whole ordeal. At least I know I’m not the only one harboring guilt.
I move my bags into one hand and take out my keys to open the door. Once I make it inside, I slip off my shoes and head to the kitchen. My mind is blank as I put away the food I bought, or at least as blank as I can force it to be.
When I finish putting my “groceries” away, only two things remain in the bag. A small Christmas tree and a box of candy canes. Taking the tree out, I head over to the living room where a plastic side table sits in the middle along with a foldable chair.
(I had found them laying in the front of the dumpster a couple weeks ago, about to be thrown out. No one was gonna use them anyway and I’d rather not buy things I’m gonna end up leaving behind soon.)
I slump down on the chair and place the dinky looking tree on the table. My head falls to my arms where they are resting folded on top of the table. Eyes lock onto the pitiful mockery of pine.
This is stupid.
Why did I even bother buying this thing?
Why did I even bother with those toys, it won’t change a thing.
I let out a deep sigh.
That’s a dangerous train of thought to follow, one I can’t afford to even indulge right now. Besides, I already know why I bought those toys.
It was mostly to ease my own conscience, because I can’t help but imagine how sad he’d be if his angels went without gifts this year. I’m nowhere near their grave at the moment though, so this will have to do.
It’s also killing me that I can’t go visit him right now, and the suffocating wistfulness I’m drowning in is making me do irrational things. Like buying something as pointless as a Christmas tree that’ll end up in the trash in less than a month and candy in a flavor that I don’t even like. Or toys that will never be opened by those who I actually meant them for.
Dead children can’t be given Christmas gifts anymore, and dead people can’t fulfill the wishes of their lost friends so there’s nothing I can do but keep going. Even if the guilt makes me wish I could join them in their eternal slumber. It’s the least I owe him.
I won’t allow myself anymore thoughts about death right now. I’ll latch onto every irrational desire so long as it keeps me alive.
I reach into the bag and grab the last remaining item. My fingers rip into the box, then into the plastic encasing the candy canes. I sit there staring at the tree in complete silence, eating my pain away with minty sweetness. In my head I repeat the song that was playing at the store over and over again.
“Through the years
We all will be together
If the fates allow
So hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now”