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It had started innocently enough. Lingering glances across the table at dinner, soft smiles, a hand ghosting over the base of your back as he passed you in the corridor. Hell, looking back, even all those years back fighting under him as your captain there’d been signs. A commanding officer you’d both had, several stations before the battle that ended the Browncoats had most likely said it best when describing you both:
“Too stupid to quit, too gorram stubborn to die. ”
Now, lying in your cramped little bunk aboard Serenity, your head was a mess.
You’d been aboard the boat for at least a month now just on your ex-captain’s good graces.
“Don’t let it go to your head, Sergeant! Owed you one,” Mal smirked, calling over the cargo hold to you after he’d welcomed you aboard.
“I’ll tick it off the list, Cap,” you’d retorted, making Zoe laugh.
You’d worked so well together, you, Mal, and Zoe. Like a dynamo, each prong powering the other two forward.
Until you’d been separated.
Before that miserable fucking battle in Serenity Valley. What you would’ve given to be with them, then. Who gave a gorram fuck if it’d been like shovelling mud up hill? They were your squad. You should’ve been there, win or lose. Even after all these years, the fact still stuck in your gut like a jagged hunk of metal.
Mal didn’t seem to let it weigh him down at all. Same old swagger, same old sharp tongue and steely eye.
Didn’t mean you weren’t still wracked with guilt.
You supposed it hurt more, having to come to him for help after so long. No prospects, no family, no friends to speak of. You were alone in the ‘Verse. And he’d agreed instantly, with no expectation of you at all, to help you out. To let you live on his boat with his crew for as long as you’d needed. A couple of… side-eyed glances your way upon boarding hadn’t deterred you. The big, grouchy man lurking up top in the gantry with his hand on his pistol had been the first crewmate you’d taken note of. A preacher, a highfalutin pretty boy and a little girl hiding behind him, intensely staring you down. Then your eyes had settled on Mal and Zoe. The warmth and familiarity poured off them in waves. You’d lunged forwards, snatching them both up in your arms with a watery laugh. An unnamed emotion surged inside your gut breathing them in after so many years apart; something fragile and more precious than any gold, something so delicate, you daren’t even try to name it.
“You’re afraid,” a girl’s voice snapped you from your train of thought, your hand instinctively reaching for your nineiron.
“Hùnzhàng ,” you curse, letting your hand go limp at the sight of the young girl peeking around your door. “Honey, you scared me, knock next time, okay?”
“You could have it,” she says, staring into your eyes unblinkingly. “You’ve read books. They write songs about it,” her voice raises slightly, not in panic but in determination. “Too fancy, unrealistic. He thinks too loud. In the dark. It’s what he thinks of.”
“Miss Tam, I don’t know what you’re—”
“Not like that ,” she says with a giddy smile, putting on a deep, Southern twang to her voice. “But he wouldn’t—”
“River, stop botherin’ the Sergeant…” Kaylee’s voice cuts off the young girl. “Sorry ‘bout that, we were playing before bed time and she got away from me.”
You smile warmly at the younger woman and nod. “No bother.” You’d seen River have her moments before, and while you weren’t exactly sure how to deal with them, you understood she wasn’t a well girl. “You sleep tight now, ladies.”
“Night, Sergeant,” she smiled broadly at you, turning River away from your doorway and leading her down the dimmed hall.
It was getting late. The ship had grown quiet, no one stirring except most likely Zoe and/or Mal, doing their last minute rounds of the halls making sure everything was in order. Maybe even Zoe’s husband shuffling down to the kitchen to have a go at some of the leftovers from dinner.
Without another thought, you turned off the light and snuggled in under your blankets and tried to get some sleep.
☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
‘Okay, this isn’t working,’ You thought to yourself after what must have been at least two hours of lying in the dark with your eyes shut. After another few minutes of internal struggle, you grumpily heaved yourself out of bed and shoved your feet into your boots, reasoning a little wander around the ship might help you unwind and shut down.
The blanket over your bare shoulders felt homey, walking through the steel corridors of Serenity. During waking hours, she was abuzz with activity. Kaylee fussing over her here or there, River roaming around, followed closely by her mother hen of a brother. That Jayne fella… looming. But now, in the night, she was soft. Quiet . Even with the background hum of her engines, it was a relaxed noise, like listening to a lover breathe deeply in their sleep. A sound that made you feel safe. You understood fully how Mal fell in love with her.
You wandered on, passing the empty kitchen, past the medbay, and ended up staring down at the cargo hold. The same cargo hold you’d first entered all those weeks ago. A small smile tugged at your features; only a handful of weeks, yet you felt so comfortable here already.
Internally, you joked with yourself that that was a bad sign; never shaking that dyed-in-the-wool instinct of being a soldier, of always needing to be ready to abandon something, no matter how deeply you loved it. But somehow, in the silence of the night, you couldn’t bring yourself to be too angry at that feeling. Maybe it was okay to be comfortable somewhere. Even for a spell.
Your eyes traced the hull with partial interest. Several huge travel crates were stacked haphazardly around the floor, some leaving gaps of about five or six feet from the walls.The definition of organised chaos.
You smiled.
Just like the Captain.
You sidled up to one of these small gaps and leaned on one of the sturdy crates. The smell of dirt and metal, the small tinge of oil in the air made goosebumps raise on your arms.
Yeah, you could relax here.
“Well, now,” Mal’s voice startled you. “Fancy seein’ you here, Sergeant.”
You turned to look over your shoulder, spying Mal stepping off the metal steps and making his way over to your side. “Cap’n.” Your eyes settled on a small glass bottle in his hands and you smiled. “Having a bit of a nightcap, sir?”
“Looks like it,” he said, slumping down against the crate beside you. “Care to join me?”
“Hm. It’d be irresponsible to let you drink on your lonesome, don’t you reckon?”
“Very thoughtful,” he nodded solemnly, screwing off the lid and passing it to you. “Selfless, even.”
The acrid liquid singed your throat as you swigged it, the delicious burn leaving a simmer heat to your cheeks. With a choking cough you forced out a laugh, handing it back to Mal. “Damn, Captain, you couldn’t’ve found something stronger?”
“Damn, girlie,” Mal mocked you playfully. “You been out of it so long you've gone and lost your taste for some weak ol’ liquor such as this? ” He casually took a mouthful and immediately sprayed it across the adjacent wall with a hacking cough. You barked out an ugly laugh at him and patted his back. “Little sips of the uh, weak liquor, Cap, little sips.”
“What? It’s fine,” he gasped, giving the bottle a glare that could turn someone to stone. “Just… went down the wrong pipe, is all.”
“Uh huh,” you cooed gently, readjusting your tank top under your blanket. “So what’s keeping you up?”
“Ah,” he spluttered again, but tried to play it off as clearing his throat. “The usual.” He passed you the bottle, deliberately not making eye contact and gesturing for you to take it. “What about you, Sarge? Never known you to be sleep-shy.”
A swell of thoughts surged in your mind. So many different little topics and grievances, eclipsed by the main case of your discontent. You briefly went over your worries and fears again, the ones that had been bubbling under the surface just hours prior.
It was strange. In the dimly lit cargo hold of his ship, you felt comforted, safe . Like you could say anything into the cool air of the hold and it would be held gently in place, keeping your secrets protected, and unheard.
“Here,” you said with a soft smile, handing him the bottle. “Have another drink with me and I’ll tell you.”
“Woman,” he said, voice low and conspiratorial. “I’ll have another. Because I care .” Your eyes traced his throat as he swallowed his first mouthful of the spirit; watching his Adam's apple bob a couple of times before tearing your gaze away.
Stop oogling your gorram Captain.
Mal shuddered out a disgusted breath and shivered slightly. “Ah, really hit the spot…” He grimaced, screwing the cap back on and dropping it unceremoniously behind him onto the crate. “Tryin’ to cut down, don’t hold it against me.”
You giggled but nodded, letting him have his little victory.
Mal’s eyes examined your face for a moment, the silence started to feel suffocating. “So, what’s keeping you up, darlin’?”
Had he really just called you ‘darling’? Oh no. No, he meant nothing by it. It’s fine. Doesn’t matter.
“Oh, uh,” you cleared your throat harshly, your mouth suddenly feeling drier than a desert. “Just been thinking. About the old days, you know?”
“Hm,” he answered gently, as if not to startle you.
“I just…” The words swirled in your mind, infuriatingly out of reach. “Remember Colonel Edmonson?”
“Balding. Smarmy. Hated us dashing hero types.”
“That’s the one.” You chewed on your lip, “Been thinking about… just before I got transferred.”
A hefty exhale from Mal told you that, yes, he not only remembered Edmonson, he remembered the exact moment you were speaking of.
“It’s been keeping me awake at night, Mal,” you sniffed, trying to fight off the emotion trying to force its way through your voice.
Mal said your name sweetly to halt you, his hand coming to rest on your bare shoulder.
“I didn’t wanna leave you and Zoe. I wish I could’ve stayed with you both. Come hell or high water, I should’ve stayed with you. I wanted to stay—”
Mal’s calloused hand squeezed your shoulder tightly, grounding you in place. “I know it,” his voice was low and soothing. “We—we both know it.” You risked a glance his way and was immediately pinned by the sincerity in his eyes. “ That little thing what’s been keeping you up?” His brow knitted, and he pressed a jovial tone into his words to ease the tension.
“Mal, don’t —” you scrubbed your face with your hand and smoothed down your hair. “I ain’t seen you for coming up 5 years when I waltz back in here and fuck up your life? The lives of your crew?”
Mal’s brow furrowed, but you pressed on. “I should’ve been there. I can’t in good conscience ask anything of you now, and yet here I am. Another mouth to feed, another person to protect on this boat, you never asked for this burden, I slumped you with it.”
“Hold up now—”
“You have never been anything but an incredible captain. Me, everyone under you, we trusted you to take care of us— and you did . And here I am with my head full of fucking rubber bands thinking—” You cut yourself off, terrified of what you nearly let slip.
Thinking I’m allowed to ask you to love me back.
Wait.
Oh fuck.
Mal said your name so softly, it was barely above a whisper. “I’m many things,” he started slowly. “But I ain’t a man who’s not gonna listen to a friend in need. You hear me, Sergeant?”
Mal’s ocean blue eyes held untold depths as you were swept up in them. The deep pools of them drew you in, promising you safety, promising you understanding. And in that moment, with his hands on your bare shoulders, the dim light of the hold casting a soft glow over his skin, you felt like if you didn’t speak the truth, you’d just keel over and die.
“I—I reckon I’m in love with you, Mal.”
The words hung in the air, making the atmosphere in the hold thicker with each passing second. For a moment, Mal’s mouth opened and closed, before he settled on an eloquent: “ Shénme?”
“I’m in love with you.”
“... oh. ”
☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
“You… gonna say anything, Mal, or should I just—?”
“Huh? No! I uh, just… I’m sorry, you said—”
“I’m in love with you.”
“ Tiān a.”
“Would you shut up for a fucking second?!”
“Yeah, yes, I’m shutting up.”
A heavy breath forced itself from your lips as you fought bitterly from the wave of panic and cowardice threatening to overtake you. Turning on your heels, you made yourself look into his eyes as you spoke. “I care about you. A lot. And I know that you probably aren’t in the same place I am, or feeling the same things. I—” you bit back the swell of bitter emotions and pushed yourself onward. “It’s okay if you don’t feel the same for me. I wanted to air it so I could get it off my chest, is all. No obligations on your part… Captain. ”
Mal watched you wordlessly, his eyes flicking back and forth between yours as he took in your words. “W-well, I won’t keep you up any longer, sir,” you cleared your throat awkwardly, and turned to take your leave.
“No, no wait,” Mal begged, scrambling for your hands to pull you back to him before you got away. You couldn’t raise your eyes to look at him, instead opting for the second button down on his shirt. The gentle exhale of your name made your nerves set ablaze. “Don’t. Don’t go, darlin’, I uh…” He squeezed your hands in his tightly. “I ain’t any good at this kind of thing…”
“Captain—”
“ Mal .”
“... Mal. I embarrassed myself, and I’d like to go to bed.”
“No honey, no you didn’t embarrass yourself.” His hand slid under your jaw, and gently raised it so you could meet his eyeline. “Look at me. Now, I-I ain’t a man of words. I am… admittedly, not much of a man of action. Well, I… Ah, gorram it .” Mal tugged you forward, pressing his lips into yours in a desperate, wordless plea.
For a moment, time stopped, leaving just you and Mal in a heated embrace. After an eternity, he released you, peering down at you with half-lidded eyes, his lips parted and heaving hot breaths in between you. “I’ll take it,” you whispered, your fingers digging into his hair and yanking him back down to your lips. The forceful, almost desperate embrace eased after a while, giving in to an intense pressing of mouths and grasping hands.
You tugged Mal down to the cargo hold floor, so he caged you with his warm body, keeping his lips pressed to yours in a possessive embrace. His hand slipped down your side and heaved your leg up over his hip as his mouth plundered yours over and over again. Your grip on him bordered on ironclad, one hand fisted in his shirt, the other holding the back of his neck, pulling him closer and closer to you.
Mal couldn’t get enough of it, pressing his weight down into you, pouring out all the words he couldn’t form, all the thoughts and feelings he was unable to speak out loud into the passionate kisses he assailed you with. It was everything, everything you’d ever wanted. Mal wrapped up in your arms devouring you.
When you finally broke apart for air, he left you gasping, trailing hot, wet kisses down the side of your jaw and settling on your neck. “Mal,” you hummed, loving the feeling of being ravished by your captain. Your eyes opened slightly, and you froze mid-whimper, locking eyes with the hulking form of Jayne peering over the top of the crate that hid you from the rest of the ship. “Jayne,” you said flatly, making Mal’s head snap up from your chest.
The tension in the air was palpable as the three of you shared wide-eyed glances. After what felt like forever, Jayne finally broke the silence, holding up the mostly full bottle of liquor Mal had left. “I’m takin’ this,” his rough voice split the silence.
You and Mal shared a lingering look before you nodded stiffly. “Okay, be our guest.”
With a nod, the large man disappeared, heavy boots stomping away, making you wonder how in the hell he’d managed to sneak up on you like he did. You gently turned Mal’s head back to face you and gave him a gentle peck before laughing incredulously. “You need to put a bell on that thing.”
Mal’s kiss-swollen lips were pulled into a crooked smile. “You ain’t think we haven’t tried? Son of a bitch eats ‘em or somethin’. Now come here an’ kiss me again.” He captured your lips once more, renewed passion pouting into you. Filling you up with that safe feeling you’d so desperately craved all these years.
For the next couple of hours, late into the night, Mal cradled you with his passions, and stokes the flames of yours. Deep down you know that after tonight, while sleep might not come to you easy, with Mal at your side, you most likely won’t find it in you to care anywhere as much.