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Niall really had no fucking clue what was going on anymore. He wasn't even sure he wanted to know at this point.
He stayed out of his twitter mentions as much as possible these days, only paying attention to his own feed, but from what he could make out there were so many rumours surrounding all of them lately it made his head spin
. He trusted Liam would let him know if anything drastic happened that involved a comment or two from him.
Honestly he tried to make it a point to stay off his phone in general, keeping himself busy with as much activity as he could. Golfing, partying, hanging out with the regular friends between shows and the like. Anything to keep his mind busy and off the past few months. And the present. And the foreseeable future.
Niall sighed and rolled out of the crappy hotel bed he had thrown himself onto after a truly spectacular bought of drinking the night before. He looked out the window at the busy LA streets below for a second and then walked into the cramped bathroom. He had somehow managed to get his shirt off last night before falling asleep, but not his pants. He peeled them and his underwear off before stepping into the shower, fiddling with the knobs for a second and turning it on practically as hot as it would go. He let the water run over him and tried not to think about the texts he received last night.
"hey"
"so i'm gonna be in la for a few days this week"
"are you gonna be there ?"
"maybe we could see each other or something idk if you wanted"
All of these arrived within a few seconds of each other, close to midnight. Niall had stared at them all as they sprung up on his phone one by one. He had gotten a few of these messages before in the last few months, and had trained himself not to react, not to let them sink in, especially in public. The last one to come though, close to half an hour after the others, was what made him pause.
"i miss you ni"
That was when he promptly put down his phone and decided he was going to get blackout drunk as soon as possible.
Niall knew that probably shouldn't be his go to solution to most things, but hey, it worked for the time being. But now here he was, several hours later, hungover in a random hotel shower, head pounding, stomach five seconds away from emptying, trying to not think about it and failing terribly.
The thing was, Niall knew he was being unfair to a degree. He should answer him. He probably should have answered him after the second time he tried getting in contact with him. He knew he hadn't reached out to either Harry or Liam any, and practically the whole world had seen how his most recent interaction with Louis had gone down. He was actually trying to reach out to just Niall, and Niall was taking all those chances for granted. He should take the chance while he had it. He just didn't know if he wanted it.
Looking back, he could see the signs of it coming. Hell, apparently a lot of people could, saying they shouldn't have been surprised. That didn't stop the ball of pure dread and unease that had settled into his stomach when someone official and business looking had gathered the four of them into one of the hotel rooms, and then promptely told them their fifth member wouldn't be returning. That didn't stop Liam's utter denial and frantic calls. That didn't stop Harry's tears from forming. That didn't stop Louis's split second look of absolute heartbreak. That didn't stop Niall's heart from stopping for a few seconds as it sunk in. It didn't stop anything. It didn't stop the shows. It didn't stop the tour. It didn't stop the next album. It didn't stop them from moving on. Which was exactly what Niall was trying to do, out of the blue text messages or not.
Still, despite his best efforts to ignore them, he couldn't stop thinking about what would happen if he responded to the texts. Would he try to make Niall listen to his side of the story and talk things out? Would he ask him about how things were once he had left? Would they just ignore what had happened completely and try to move on? Niall was starting to feel sick, and he was pretty sure it wasn't just the hangover this time.
He shut the shower off and stepped out, wrapping a towel around his waist and padding over to the bed. He laid down and wished his mind to be still for just one second. He sat up after a minute or two and ran his fingers through his damp hair, then reached for his phone on the nightstand. Opening it up and ignoring his other missed calls and texts, he went back to the texts from last night and stared at the screen. After what seemed like hours, he heard himself sigh. Things seemed so much simpler at the beginning of the year.
He began typing and hit the send button without giving himself time to change his mind. Then he tossed his phone down onto the bed, and got up to get dressed.
"hey z"
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After he had texted Zayn, it had only taken about 5 minutes for him to reply, responding with another hey, and then asking again about wanting to meet up. His heart picked up speed at that. Would he even be able to handle seeing him? Niall thought about texting the other boys to tell them what was happening, but he stopped himself from bringing them into it. He didn't want to do that.
In the end, he couldn't say no to him. Niall had never been able to say no to Zayn. They had agreed on meeting at a smaller recording studio a few blocks from where Niall's hotel was. Zayn was apparently already there working on some stuff, which Niall refused to dwell on.
On the car ride over Niall's brain was oddly silent. It had been quiet since he had responded to Zayn that morning. Which was ironic, seeing as his brain hadn't been able to shut up the past few months. It was almost like he was shutting down, not realizing what he had just agreed to.
He just hoped he was actually ready for whatever was coming.
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Niall managed to park behind the studio and sneak in the back, hopefully without being spotted by anyone. He texted Zayn he was there, and got a response telling him to come up to the third floor. He found a staircase more towards the front of the house and started up it.
As he was climbing, Niall wondered what his reaction would be to seeing him for the first time after everything. He was already almost to the third floor steps, not giving him much time to consider what reaction he wanted to or should have. His heart steadily beat faster and faster the closer he got, which was never a good sign. He stopped once he reached the top of the stairs and just breathed for a few seconds.
It was just Zayn, yeah, just Zayn. He had been a constant in his life for almost five years, only to disappear without a single word. Niall still didn't know how he felt about everything fully. It had been months, but he had never truly let himself stop and think about things and exactly why he was reacting the way he was. Because if he did, if he did stop for once and wrap his brain around everything that had happened, he didn't know if he could take it if he let himself accept it.
He couldn't do this.
Niall was about to backtrack and bolt right back down the stairs and out the door when a familiar voice rang out and engulfed him entirely.
"Niall?"
Niall's head snapped up and he looked at him straight on. He looked the same. Same height, build, same wide brown eyes staring back at him, same long fingers outstretched towards him. Still the same Zayn he had always known.
"You.... You cut your hair," Niall managed to speak out quietly.
"Uh yeah, haha. Kinda thought I'd try something new. I dyed it green for a bit there too, but obviously that didn't stay," Zayn said, a tiny smirk at the corner of his lips.
"Obviously."
"Yeah."
They continued to stare at each other for a few seconds, Zayn keeping his eyes locked on Niall's. Niall could feel himself shutting down the more Zayn looked at him, almost like when he was driving over to the studio. He eventually turned his head and looked past Zayn, down the hallway.
"Hey you could come in and listen to some stuff or whatever, if you wanted to. The rest of the guys went to lunch so it's just us."
"Yeah.... sure," Niall replied, and couldn't help but wonder who he meant by "the other guys".
Zayn walked up to a door at the end of the hallway, letting Niall catch up to him and walk through the door first. It was a smaller studio, with a nice size couch against the back wall and a few chairs by the sound board, along with the recording booth. He shivered slightly, suddenly realizing how much colder it was inside. Zayn noticed and pulled his old leather jacket off without a second thought, putting it around Niall's shoulders like it was nothing. Niall muttered his thanks, looking away while he put his arms through the sleeves.
"I've never heard of this place before."
"Yeah, it's a smaller place not a lot of people go to. It's quieter, calmer and all that."
"Yeah."
It got a bit awkward after that. They sat down on the couch and asked each other how they had been, which resulted in the throw away "fines" and "just busy" lines and the like. After a few minutes Zayn walked over to the board and asked if he wanted to hear some of the stuff he had been working on, and Niall had shrugged. Zayn glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, bent over the board, and Niall had stared forward and nodded his head, giving him the go ahead.
A softer r&b track had started up, but Niall really couldn't care to pay attention. He continued to stare straight ahead, not listening to Zayn's soft voice filter through the speakers set up around the room, and not looking at Zayn slowly nodding his head along to the beat, his fingers reaching over to adjust certain knobs every now and then. Niall didn't even notice the track had ended until Zayn was turned back around facing him, looking at him expectantly.
"So, any thoughts? What are you thinking?"
What was he thinking? Niall wasn't even sure himself.
"It was good..... I'm sure they all sound good, yeah."
"We were thinking of maybe making that one the lead single or one of them at least."
"That's good, I'm sure it'll do well."
Zayn stood there for a second looking at him, and then walked across the short studio space, right into his line of sight. Niall couldn't help but try to avert his gaze slightly.
"Did you even pay attention to it?"
"What? Of course I did. We just listened to it."
"Why won't you look at me?"
Niall turned his eyes back to Zayn's and stared him down, his face nothing short of a glare, he was sure. "I am looking at you."
Finally, Niall heard anger creep into his voice.
"Goddammit Niall, would you just talk to me?"
"We are talking."
"Don't give me that shit, no we aren't. You know we aren't," he said, his voice raising with each word that came out. "I used to feel comfortable talking around you more than anyone. I felt like I could tell you anything and you'd understand, and I don't feel that anymore, with anyone else. I don't know if I can! It's always just been you!"
Niall's stomach was churning at his words and he could feel tears start to prick at the corners of his eyes. No, he wasn't going to do this. His fight or flight instincts started kicking in just then and before he could think about what he was doing he started to turn away and run. He could hear Zayn call out after him and before he could reach the stairs he felt a strong hand wrap around his wrist and tug him back.
"Why are you doing this Niall?! It's just me! Talk to me! I just want you to-"
"Because you left!!"
Niall's word echoed around the hallway, the silence that followed filled the room, making it almost unbearable. Zayn stared at him almost as if he didn't know him at all.
"You left," Niall said, defeated. "After everything, you left. That's it."
"Niall......"
"It's fine, ok. Forget it. Sorry I brought it up. It's your own deal, your decision, whatever. It's just a lot, and seeing you and dealing with everything else and it's just so sudden and-"
Before he could babble anything else out of his mouth, Zayn had surged forward and caught his lips with his own. He pushed him back against the wall and cradled his face in his hands. Ah, Niall thought. This is what it was. Why he could never say no. This want.
Zayn kissed with a hunger. Like Niall was the only thing in the world he had ever wanted and the only thing he would ever need. He sucked on his bottom lip until he could barely think straight, all the while running one of his hands through his hair and the other cupping the back of his neck. No one could say no to Zayn if he wanted them, including Niall. All the late night knocks on his hotel door, the adrenaline fulled pulls into janitors closets right after coming off the stage, the quiet moments alone in the dressing rooms. Each time Zayn would come to him with that intense look in his eyes, waiting for Niall to nod his head and then take his head into his hands as always. He had never had a reason to deny Zayn before. Until now.
Niall broke the kiss, putting his hands on Zayn's chest and pushing lightly. He was afraid to open his eyes at first, knowing what he would be looking back at. Again, he felt tears form in his eyes and he balled his fists up in Zayn's shirt, whole body beginning to shake.
"Niall. Niall, look at me. Please look at me," Zayn whispered to him after he caught his breathe.
He continued to talk to him in his quiet voice, running his hands up and down his arms, trying to calm him down. "It's just me, Ni. I'm not anyone different, I haven't changed. It's just me."
Niall's heart didn't slow down any, but he did begin to calm down some. He didn't plan on this happening. He shouldn't have come. He should have ignored the texts like all the ones before, ignored everything like he had been doing. But no, now here he was, wrapped up with the exact thing he had been furiously trying to cut out of his life for the past 4 months. Zayn had left and he wasn't coming back, and he couldn't get over that when Zayn wasn't letting him. Every time he thought he was going to be fine with moving forward, there would be just another message on his phone the next morning reminding him of everything.
He opened his eyes slightly, keeping them focus downward on the floor. The few tears that had gathered leaking out without his permission. Zayn leaned forward slightly, kissing his cheeks where the tears had fallen, and then softly kissing his forehead. Niall slowly unballed his fists, and then let them fall down by his side. Zayn reached down and connected their fingers together. Niall let out a deep shuddering breathe he hadn't realized he had been holding, then slowly inhaled back in. Zayn squeezed their fingers together gently. Niall squeezed back as hard as he could.
"I've missed you so much, Ni."
".....I've really missed you too."
So Niall decided to focus on that.
------------
Niall hung around the studio for a little while longer after that. He had let Zayn maneuver him onto the small couch and they held each other, not really saying anything, kissing softly every now and then. Instead of wondering what this meant for the future, Niall just let it happen. Zayn missed him and he was here and this was now, not four months ago or two years from now or even five years ago when they first started. Niall figured he owed it to himself to just let him have this one moment before he started worrying about anything else.
Once they finally moved off the couch, Zayn again showed him a few things he had been working on that he had come to LA to record, Niall actually listening this time around. They talked about the tour, and how the other three were doing. When Niall brought them up Zayn seemed to be trying his best to not look too interested in hearing about them, but Niall could see right through him. He figured he'd leave that for future conversations. That is, if there were going to be any.
After an hour or two of them both ignoring their phones, Niall figured he should go. When he said this to Zayn he had stared at Niall with an unreadable expression for a few seconds, and the nodded his head, almost in some sort of acceptance. Zayn got up and grabbed his hand, pulling Niall towards the stairs and starting to move down them without another look.
Once they reached the bottom and headed for the door leading outside, Niall stopped him from moving any further and made sure Zayn was looking at his face. He took a deep breath.
"Hey Z... I'm glad I got to see you today. Thank you for texting me. And I'm sorry for not answering you any before then. It's just....... been tough, you know? You know how I am about things."
"Yeah Ni, I understand. I think by now you and me both know neither of us are good at this.... stuff. I think I've kind of proven that by now."
"Yeah."
It was quiet between them for a moment before Niall spoke again.
"Hey Zayn, about what you said before, you know that's still true, right? You can always talk to me about anything, whenever. Whatever you gotta say, you can say it to me. I know I kinda didn't show that these past few months, but I was.... hurt. You know? And not dealing with stuff well. And that's my own problem. But I mean it, I'm still always gonna be here. For you. I'm never gonna stop you from saying something you need to. So yeah, just know that and don't get it wrong, ok? I'm here."
Zayn had looked at him the whole time he was talking, his expression intense, but softer than Niall had ever seen it. Once Niall had stopped talking he learned forward a little, crowding closer into his space, and barely touched his lips to Niall's one more time before he whispered against them, "I know."
Niall swallowed hard, and then pressed his lips back to Zayn's hard, clutching onto the hand that was still in his, before pulling back just slightly and looked into Zayn's eyes when he said back, "Good."
Before he could get teary eyed again, Niall started to turn away towards the door.
"I'll see you around, Z," he said as he walked through the door.
He didn't get a reply.
----------
It took Niall to get halfway back to the hotel before the slight ringing in his ears, that seemed to had started as soon as he walked out the studio door and away from Zayn, stopped and he realized that he still had Zayn's jacket on.
He reached for his phone after he parked the car and saw that Zayn had already beat him to it.
"keep it. it's always looked better on you anyway"
Niall smiled, pulling the jacket a little tighter around him as he got out of the car, feeling calmer than he had in months.