Archive of Our Own

episode twelve: loss of self-identity

"Do you guys ever feel like you've lost a part of yourself?" you ask before trailing off as you speak into the mic. Looking into your messy desk, the more and more time goes by the more you're reeled into realizing how absent you feel with yourself. 

"Like…" you speak up again, leaning into the mic. "You don't even know yourself? I don't know if I'm explaining this properly, but whenever summer vacation is over and I have to get ready for classes and the new semester, I find myself drifting off into old habits and becoming a lifeless person that's so obsessed with school that it's my personality. And, I know that that's just college life as it is and we get so consumed with passing and keeping up with our studies that it just becomes us. I just really feel that as though this society is built to drain you of your personality and individuality. 

"Literally, I've read so much studies on how our society has made it that way for us to seem like lifeless robots. I won't get too into that, but I'll put the links in the description for you all for anyone interested.

"Anyway, the moment we're out of school I have to find out my hobbies again and what I'm interested in. Then, I have to go on another self-discovery journey because I never stick to one thing," you continue. "Yes, we go out to parties and hang out with our friends, but let's be honest, our time management skills are only suitable to get our work done and not really our lives. It's not really up to par as to… as to actually managing life. Like, we create these schedules to only get the bare minimum done. Or in some circumstances, to only accommodate our education and future and nothing else!

"That moment we reach adulthood and when we're in our career, we're gonna reach that point where we just crash and we find out that we really know nothing about ourselves and I find that so sad because… because I feel like the system is shit!"

You laugh as you come to an abrupt stop and realize how passionate you've gotten, but you continue forth. "I know, I know… we can't blame all of our issues on the system and how our country has fucked us over, but think about it. In our college years, we see people crying and we laugh to ourselves and just think 'same' because we had our own little tantrum and panic just a few hours ago. And not even in just our college years! Look at how we were taught growing up. We spend the majority of life going to school to get an education to get into college. We go to college to get a well paying job and to have our own lives, but we live to work . All this effort to only work more and the only time we get to rest is when we're almost near our deathbeds. What the fuck is that about?

"Why can't we rest now?" Your fist slams on the table and it vibrates. Gasping, you reach for the stuff about to tumble, catching your drink at the right moment from tipping over. "Sorry, guys. got a bit too passionate there," you laugh.

"But my point is that, I feel like it's not true that as we age we find ourselves because yeah in a sense we do," you say. "But we're still out of touch with ourselves. We're not aligned with our emotions, we're not our true selves yet."

You go on for another ten to fifteen minutes before you check the time. You tried to keep each episode at the thirty minute to forty-five minute mark. You had so much more to speak upon, but you had to bring yourself to a stop. "I hope I was making some sort of sense there. I kind of rambled on in there a bit, I'm sorry y'all. But I want y'all to challenge yourselves this week. Spend some time by yourselves and do some thinking and see if you're really in alignment with who you are. If you couldn't tell, I think this episode is gonna be one of my favorites. Love you guys! Have a great weekend and tune in next week for another episode of Half-Empty, Half-Full ."

You press 'stop recording' as you get up. Stretching, as you hear and feel the creaking of your muscles from sitting down for thirty minutes straight. Your phone next to you chimes as you read the text you got from Yamaguchi: Hey, where are you? You said you'd be here thirty minutes ago.

Checking the time, it's half past four and you told them that you'd be there by four. You promised them that you wouldn't be late after doing so in the last couple of weeks. "Fuck!" You curse as you hurry to pack up your recording equipment, double checking that everything is saved before heading on out and responding, Sorry! Lost track of time. I'll be there in five.

Pushing open the door to the lounge, your eyes dart from place to place before Akaashi spots you and calls you over. "___, here!"

"Oh." Awkwardly shuffling past people, you keep your head low as you make your way to them. "I'm so sorry guys. I know I said I'll stop being late, but I wanted to finish the project before I came over and I lost track of time. I finished it though."

"I don't understand why you couldn't have just come here and finished it," Iwaizumi snorts. "We're all here doing work anyways."

"I already told you," you frown, hoping your lie is plausible. "It's too big to bring out. It would've been such a hassle anyway."

"Like I wouldn't have helped you if you'd just asked," he retorts. 

You couldn't bring yourself to say anything else, stomach churning as you shift around and take out your laptop. You don't know if it's because you're blatantly lying to your friends or if it's Iwaizumi's willingness to always give you a hand when needed. You know you shouldn't think about it too deeply, but you can't help yourself but feel as though his words have some underlying meaning behind them. 

"When are we gonna get to see the project though?" Yamaguchi asks. "You've been hiding it from us for so long. It must be super important if it's taking up so much of your time."

"Oh, um…" 

"Yamaguchi, do you have the study guide from Kingsleigh?" Akaashi asks, taking the attention off of you. "I can't seem to find mine."

"Oh yeah!" He answers, falling for the bait as he goes to fish in his bag and scour for said documents that Akaashi wanted. His focus is all off of you now. "I got them right here. I haven't finished most of the questions. I don't understand what they're asking me."

"I'll go through them and see," Akaashi simply says. Silently thanking Akaashi, you pull out your laptop as you use the next two hours to work on planning and creating a rough draft on an essay you've yet to get started on. The lounge is full of chatter, including you and your friends as for once you use the time to actually be productive. 

As you're typing away, a message on your laptop pops up and it's from Akaashi.

how was this week's podcast?

Looking up at Akaashi, his face is down in his laptop, never making eye contact with you. Smart , you think. Unlike you. 

i really loved this topic omg. tysm for the idea  

no problem. do you need me to edit this week's episode?

Thinking about his question, you pause. You've been working on editing and practicing it on recordings that you decided to never upload, trying to find places where you didn't want to be in and how to make it transition smoothly. It was hard to do and you didn't understand how Akaashi could do it so effortlessly. However, you've come to be pretty decent the more you worked on it, so you figured this one time you could do without.

no, you've already done enough for me. i'll give you a break this time. 

okay,,, oh and btw—

You never get a chance to finish reading his message when Yamaguchi suddenly blurts out, "Oh, I'm starving!"

Iwaizumi hums in agreement, taking this time as the perfect opportunity to stretch out his arms. Unknowingly, you stare as you watch his muscles flex and his shirt rise up to show a bit of belly skin. However, you don't even know if you can call that a belly with someone as toned as him. He's always been fit from the moment you both met. You've always admired people who could keep up with working out, despite him also aspiring to become an athletic trainer.

Looking up, you make eye contact with him. Embarrassed, you become a bit flustered, but never look away as you give a meek smile that he returns. "I think ___ should treat us," he says, "for always being late these past couple of weeks."

Yamaguchi agrees with him and while Akaashi doesn't say much to add to it, you don't argue with them. It's only fair since it is true. "Okay, what do you guys want?" 

Giving you their list, you have it written down on a sticky note as you get up and head to the small restaurant in the back. Alone, you hum as you stand up in line and realize that you don't even know what you want to eat. You try to look up at the menu, trying to decipher what looks the most appetizing out of the menu. So engrossed, you never realize that Iwaizumi had snuck up on you until you're taking a step back and bumping into him. "Oh, oof!"

"Sorry," he chuckles. Realizing that it's only him, you relax as you look back at the board. 

"It's fine."

"You know, I was only joking when I said you should treat us," he says. "Thought you'd disagree with me, not take our orders."

You shrug. "I mean, you were right. I've been late a lot and I feel bad about it."

"Speaking of that," he sighs. "You don't have a project, do you?" 

You can't lie to Iwaizumi. Or at least you can't lie to him with a shitty story to cover up your tracks. "No, there isn't."

"What's up, ___? You've been late more often," he grows concerned. "Is there something wrong? Anything that I need to worry about."

"You don't have to worry about me, Iwa," you say. "I'm fine. I've just gotten to the point where I'm getting stacked up with school work and I've gotten overwhelmed."

"Is it bio? You know I can help you out in that class," he starts, "I've seen you struggling in it lately, and-"

"Iwa, no," you say. "I'm not burdening you and letting you help me with my work. Not this week anyway, I like this module we're on."

"Let me at least pay for half of our order, then," he says. You don't understand why he could be so stubborn sometimes. It got on your nerves. 

"No," you sigh. "Iwa, go sit down."

Taken aback, he never expected such a response from you. Telling that you're annoyed with him, he doesn't take it a step further, doesn't push on like he normally would. He leaves you alone and goes back to the table. 

When you finally reach the front of the line and take the orders and finally decide on a tuna salad sub for yourself, you struggle to manage all the stuff by yourself. However, you manage to make it back in one piece as you set everything on the table and let out a breath. 

"Here you go, guys," you sigh and pass out their individual orders to them. Spending the next fifteen to twenty minutes eating, you guys finally bid your farewells at the door as Iwaizumi heads in one direction, Yamaguchi in the other, and you and Akaashi together side by side.

"You didn't read my last message to you," he begins. "You need to start managing and timing out your episodes more, they're not gonna take your lousy excuses much longer."

"I know, I know. Iwa already knows that I don't have a project," you sigh. "He figures that it's because I'm overwhelmed with work."

"See? You need to be smarter about this, ___."

"What does it even matter if they know? They're my friends, 'Kaashi."

"And you know that Yamaguchi can't keep his mouth shut for over a week." You realize he's right about that. Yamaguchi really couldn't keep a secret. 

"Okay, but nobody even listens to the podcast that much," you find another excuse. "What? Like only a hundred subscribers?"

"You haven't checked out your stats recently, haven't you?" He says.

No, you haven't. You try to ignore them as much as possible, so they don't discourage you from quitting at all. 

Looking at Akaashi, you hum in confusion. "What?"

"Check." Taking out your phone, you log into the analytics app for where you upload your recordings. Waiting for it to load, your breath starts to quicken and your heart starts to race as you wait. When it pops up, you feel as though your eyes could pop out of its sockets. 

"What the…" Your voice trails off. It has over 2.3k subscribers. That was a huge jump from the 127 subscribers you took note of last week. How could it have possibly jumped to this so quickly? You check your episodes as it's five times the amount of subs. "Oh my gosh, Akaashi…"

"And I bet there's more to come, ___," he says. "I've been hearing a lot of people talk about it. They love it. If possible, this can be one something bigger."

You can't even comprehend all of this as you go to the reviews and see all the positive notes left down, loving your podcast. You gasp as you feel yourself getting happier. You always thought it was just going to be a small podcast, nothing too serious. But even so, you're starting to get notifications of two to three new subs in the next minute. 

Akaashi's right. If this is to grow bigger, you need to be smarter. You need to prioritize and manage your time properly. No more leisurely thinking.

—

episode thirteen: changing our thought process

"I've been thinking a lot about the way we think recently," you trail off into the microphone. "I've also been reading this book called The Secret by Rhonda Byrne and it's about manifestation and the law of attraction and how we can speak things into existence with the snap of our finger."

Snapping your finger to put emphasis, you let out a small giggle. "Well, not exactly a snap of a finger, but we can attract what we want. Reading the book, it made me realize how wrong we've been thinking our whole lives and how we can bring things into our lives so easily.

"Like," Swiveling around in your chair, you carry the microphone with you as you're trying to collect your thoughts. "For example, if you want something, don't think about what you don't want. You can't be like 'I don't want to go to bed late.' Instead, think ' I want to go to bed early.' We always say what we don't want, therefore attracting what we don't want. Do I make sense?

"What I'm trying to say is that when we think so negatively, we only attract that and then we wonder why we don't get what we want. That, as well as not being grateful for what we have and not speaking as though we don’t have what we want. Look! I know, it sounds pretty confusing, but it’s all in the book! Which again, it is called The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. It’s really good. 

“But to put it all in perspective, look at billionaires who worked for their riches. Not the ones born into the money. They put in the time and energy and they never stopped until they got what they wanted. Most of the time, when we fail, we think of the worst and we’re sending that into the universe. We’re sending back that negative energy back into the universe and we’re saying that we’re not ready for the riches it has in store for us. Sometimes, the universe throws us things in order for us to learn and grow and prosper, so that they train us for the riches that we value and want. And, sometimes it’s a matter of what we actually need and not what we specifically want.

"But,” you start to negate. “As much as we can speak things into existence, we have to put in that effort to actually get it. We can’t sit on our lazy asses and expect to become millionaires — billionaires overnight. We have to put in that effort and show that we actually want it. It’s like taking a test. As much as we want that A, we can’t expect to get it if we didn’t pay attention to the material being taught and not studying. We have to prove ourselves.”

Thirty more minutes of non-stop talking before you end the podcast, you feel accomplished with yourself when you check the time and see that you’re almost done within the allotted time you’ve set for yourself. “Thank you guys for listening this week, and before I go… I want to thank you all so much for the subs and the growing support. I legit checked analytics a week ago and noticed that I went from 100 subs to over 2k subs, what? —” You choke out a breathy laugh “—I know I just did an episode on how we think, but I don’t think I imagined such a quick jump in stats. Oh gosh, I love you guys so much. I want to do something special, but I don’t know quite yet. I guess you’ll just have to keep tuning in to find out. Bye, y’all.”

Sitting in Biology, you’re so close to dozing off when Iwaizumi nudges you. “___, don’t fall asleep. The class is almost over.”

Jumping up, you’re grateful for the nudge because the professor looks over at you, close to catching you. You’re grateful he doesn’t try to quiz you or anything to put you on the spot. You don’t know if you could handle that sort of embarrassment. You look over at Iwaizumi’s notes, spiral notebook open and messy handwriting and all, you’re still able to make out what’s what as he lets you copy the notes you've fallen behind on. 

With fifteen minutes left on the clock, the professor has you all answer the questions he has posted up on the screen. Skimming through the notes, you’re trying not to overthink everything to answer five questions. “Oh my gosh,” you groan silently to yourself.

“I thought you said you liked this module,” Iwaizumi teases, watching you struggle as he has all the questions answered and completed. You scoff at his teasing. 

“That’s because I thought I understood it,” you sigh. “I don’t even know. I think I’m just overthinking everything like usual.”

“Probably,” he shrugs, grabbing your notebook and putting the answers down for you. 

“Hey!” You frown. “You don’t have to give me the answers. I want to actually understand it.”

“Yeah, and I’ll explain it to you. Hold on,” he says, pushing away your hand. Huffing, you look over his shoulder. “Look,” he points and explains it to you in a way for you to easily understand. As much as you liked science, you could never comprehend it. You guess you don’t like it as much as you think you do. However, with Iwaizumi’s help, he makes it easier for you as you feel yourself letting out a breath of relief. “Understand?”

“Yeah,” you nod. “What would I honestly do without you?”

“Fail, most likely.” Rolling your eyes, you ignore him. Iwaizumi chuckles. With five minutes left on the clock, the professor calls randomly on students to answer and explain themselves. On the last question, he calls out your name, sending you in a panic as you reach for your notebook.

“Oh, uh, number five? That’s B.” By the expression on the professor’s face, he wasn’t expecting you to get it right. 

“Yes, care to explain why?” Remembering Iwaizumi’s explanation, you nod as you basically sum it all up. You stammer, but at the end, the professor gives a nod, letting you know that you’re right. You sigh once the bell rings and you’re all dismissed. Packing up all your stuff, you and Iwaizumi walk side-by-side as this was the last lecture for the day.

“Thanks, Zumi,” you sigh. “You really saved my life back there.”

“No problem,” he says. “He should really start explaining things easier though. How does he expect us to understand everything from an Einstein perspective?”

“I thought I was the only one who felt that way!” you exclaim. “Wait—I thought you just got what he was talking about all the time.”

“Not all the time,” he admits. “Majority of the time, I just look it all up and annotate my notes.”

“No wonder your notes are always so messy,” you laugh. “But it’s good to know it’s not just a me problem with that class.”

You both head over to the library to kill some time. Sitting in the uncomfortable couches, you curl up as you have your laptop open. You have to edit the recording for today’s episode that you hope to upload by the end of the night, but you can’t do it so out in the open, especially not in front of Iwaizumi. You don’t have any other classes to catch up on, having done everything on your to do list for the week. 

You start thinking about your financial needs, noticing that your account is starting to fall below your personal goal. Groaning, you alert Iwaizumi as he looks up at you, waiting for you to vent. “I need a job,” you moan as you lean further into the couch. “I’m broke.”

“What happened to doing people’s work for them?” Iwaizumi asks. 

“I didn’t tell you?” You sit up. “I nearly got caught because the person didn’t do the editing that I told them to do, so I decided to stop it altogether.”

He snorts. “Well, that sucks. Oh, but hey! The gym I work at needs a receptionist. You’re good with that type of stuff since your notes are always pretty. I’ll talk to the owner. I’m pretty sure he’ll say because he’s desperate at this point.”

“Ugh, that means I’ll be working around men, ” you gag. 

“Do you want a job or not?” Iwaizumi rolls his eyes. “You won’t have to go through the hassle of sending in your resume a thousand times and be denied.”

“You’re right, you’re right,” you say. “Thank you, Zumi.”

“Don’t call me that.”

—

“I don’t know what to do, Akaashi!” you cry as you pace back and forth. “There’s legit so many subscribers! I’ve been hearing a lot of people talk about Half-Empty, Half-Full. I want to do something special and make it more interactive, so that people feel listened to and that I can actually have a conversation with them sometimes.”

“You could start a Twitter or an Instagram and have them interact through there,” Akaashi suggests, scrolling through his phone as he listens to you.

“Yeah, but I want to accept calls and stuff like that. I was thinking about renting a room at the radio station, but they charge too much.”

Finally looking up, Akaashi ponders for a bit, seeing your dilemma. If you really wanted to do something like that, you’d need to do your recordings at the very moment. You’d need to do them live. He didn't know how you couldn’t see the simple solution. “Start a YouTube channel.”

“Oh.” You sit down, realizing how that solved everything you were stressed about. YouTube was convenient and looking at how people have been able to monetize their hobbies and life through it. You didn’t plan on always being super interactive, maybe once a month or every two weeks. You didn’t have it completely planned out yet, but you know you wanted to communicate with your listeners more. “I’ll start a Twitter account for it, since it’ll keep me more anonymous. I don’t want to post pics of my work areas and Yams or Iwa instantly recognizing it. I don’t know why I was worrying so much.”

“Because you don’t think,” he states bluntly. 

“Well damn,” you gasp. “You could’ve said it nicer.”

Ignoring you, he changes the subject. “I heard Iwaizumi offered you a job where he works.”

“He told you?” you adjured. “Yeah, I can’t believe he’s referring me to his boss. He told me his boss is desperate, so I’m not too worried. I’m happy that I mentioned it to him or I’d have to do some severe job hunting and cry about it to you.”

“Oh yeah?” Akaashi hums. He noticed how Iwaizumi acts around you. More attentive and eager to give you a hand. He’s also noticed your longing stares, your flustered face when he catches you. The two of you are fools , he can’t help but think. Unsaid feelings so obvious, but going unnoticed. “Anyways, I finished editing your recordings. The one you did by yourself was shit. Oh, and start making your Twitter account and I’ll make your YouTube account for you, okay?”

“Okay, I’ll also note down what I’m going to do for the next episode and exactly what I’m going to be doing for live recordings.”

“Sounds good to me.”

episode fourteen: the art of being single + a few announcements

“I don’t know, guys, I think this week was just me being inspired by my own single-ness, but I find being single to be very relieving and relaxing. Maybe I’m saying that because I’ve been single for the last twenty years of my life, but I do. I honestly do! I think it’s also because when you’re single, typically you’re that friend that gives your friends relationship advice for some strange reason even though they know you have a lack of experience yourself. And when you’re that friend, you get to hear about the bullshit that their partners put them through. Okay sometimes it could be your friend that’s the toxic one, but we never really wanna be honest with ourselves and admit it at the moment.

“But, I’ve had a lot of friends in high school that felt as though they couldn’t go without being in a relationship. Like, they just have to be in love, or at least think they are. And honestly, guys, I don’t know if I have an explanation as to why. Personal opinion, and maybe I’m lowkey bitter, but I’ll admit that about myself and I’ll work on it, I don’t see the need for why you constantly need to be in love. I think after a heartbreak, you need that time of reflection and looking back and taking that time to be alone…

“Wait, guys! I just figured it out! The fear of being alone. That’s it!” You can’t help the excitement you feel, but know that you need to tone it down. Clearing your voice, it gets softer. “I’m sorry, guys. I know that sounds a certain way, but you know the art of being alone. I’ve come up with a new one: The Art of Being Single . Because sometimes, we need that moment of single-ness and solitude to grow. I know people use that as an excuse oftentimes, but they usually don’t use it to actually grow. When we get into relationships, we need to ask ourselves why and if the reasons are actually viable.

“If you’re actually someone who tends to jump into relationships, think about the reasons why you’re jumping in so quickly,” you go to continue, “not just because of the fear of being alone. It could be that you’re a person who loves very easily, or we think that kindness is an invitation and we fall in love with the bare minimum. We mix up our emotions for something that is mistaken.

“I hope that I haven’t offended anyone, by the way,” your voice starts to crack. “I know I got a little overboard, but there’s nothing wrong with coming to realization with yourself and wanting to be better. What I advise is that, if you’re single now —or coming of a relationship—try not to get back into one. Take some time for yourself. Go on dates with yourself and learn to love yourself and fall in love with yourself, and enjoy it. If you don’t, then… fuck everything I said. I’m just a college student and I’m a dumbass.”

When it comes towards the end of your podcast, you look at your notebook and remember the important announcement you had to make. “Oh guys, before we go, I have a few announcements I’d like to make!” 

Your heart starts to race as you grow in excitement. “I made a Twitter account so we can interact more, you guys! I’m so excited, ahhh! My handle is @emptyfull if you’re interested and want to follow me there. Also, I started a YouTube page for times that I want to go live and when I want to hear your voices. Isn’t that exciting? It is exciting. I’m excited—” You laugh— “You can search up Half Empty, Half Full to subscribe there. Now, I haven’t worked out the nitty gritty details for my channel, but I do plan on doing my first ever live there in the next few weeks, so definitely stay tuned or follow my Twitter account to hear further details about that. Thanks for tuning in this week’s episode of Half-Empty, Half-Full. I love you guys. Bye!”

Scrolling through Twitter, your account has grown to only over hundred followers. You don’t mind though. You have only one tweet up and it’s a simple greeting, but it will have to suffice until you have stuff to post. Akaashi had created the perfect icon for your account—a picture of a heart that was, well, half empty or half full, whether or not you wanted to have the pessimistic or optimistic approach to things. It leads you to change out your old icon and showcase the well edited one.

So happy with the progress, your podcast is starting to grow at a more gradual rate than the exponential. You’ve logged out of your analytics account, not wanting to be too overwhelmed by the numbers and become antsy. Nose deep into your phone, you didn’t realize that Yamaguchi was close to seeing your account. “What’re you looking at?”

“Nothing!” you blurt as you hurry, closing the app. 

“Hey, was that Half-Empty, Half-Full?” He asked, getting a peak to read that much. Akaashi’s head shot up while Iwaizumi kept staring at his phone with disinterest. “You listen to her, too? I love her podcast. She always has the right things to say.”

“Oh yeah,” you agree. “I love her podcast.”

“I don’t know, I just find her very relaxing and it gives me comfort,” Yamaguchi goes on to say. “I’ve been trying to get Iwa to listen to her podcasts to cure his anger issues, but he refuses.”

“I do not have anger issues.” He punches Yamaguchi’s shoulder, causing the poor boy to wince in pain. “Anyway, I do listen to her. Just not religiously like you do.”

“What about you, Akaashi?” Yamaguchi asks. “Isn’t she great?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “She’s good. She gives great advice and she’s relatable.”

You can’t help but feel flattered by your friends. This only makes you realize how much your podcast really has grown. It feels… amazing. “Anyways, I have to go. My class starts in ten minutes,” Akaashi shuts his laptop. “I have to go now if I want to make it there on time.”

Checking his watch, Yamaguchi gasps to see how fast time has passed. “Yeah, I have to go, too. See you guys later!”

Packing your stuff as well, you bid Akaashi and Yamaguchi a goodbye as you take a stand from the bench you guys were sitting on outside. “I guess, I’ll go, too. See you, Iwa.”

“___, wait!” He calls out to you. Turning around, you hum in acknowledgement.

“My boss asked if you can make it Monday at eight a.m.? I know it’s early, but I also know you don’t have any classes until two that day.”

“Wait, he doesn’t want to at least have an interview or anything?” you ask. “He’s willing to take me on the spot?”

“I did say he was desperate for a receptionist,” he shrugs. “So, can you make it?”

“Yeah!” you smile eagerly. “Of course. How much is the pay?”

“Thirteen an hour,” he replies. “You can work out your hours with him on Monday. It’s a small gym, but he needs help keeping his papers organized. There shouldn't be much for you to do other than that and checking people in.”

“Thank you so much, Zumi,” you smile, pulling him in for a hug. “I really am happy that you’re one of my closest friends.” 

It takes him a while to hug you back, but when he does, it feels like the warmest hug you’ve ever received. He chuckles as he’s afraid to admit that he enjoys your embrace. A small quirk of a smile graces his feature. “I’m glad you’re my friend, too.”

—

You sent out a text to the group chat asking if they wanted to go out to the new frozen yogurt shop that opened up not too far off campus. However, Yamaguchi and Akaashi both said they had to study or had assignments to catch up on, and Iwaizumi never responded.

Pouting, you sigh. You guess this could be a date with yourself of some sorts. You really wanted to go, hoping that you wouldn't have to go alone though. Not bothering to get dressed up, you left in the sweats and tank top you were currently wearing. Heading out of the dorm area, your phone vibrates in your back pocket and a message from Iwaizumi comes through.

You still want to go to that frozen yogurt place?  

You smile, quickly giving him a response and letting him know that you were already on your way over there and that you'd meet him. The place is small, but it's cozy, cold and comforting. You sit at a table close to the door, waiting patiently for Iwaizumi. It takes no more than five minutes before you see him entering and looking straight over at you. Smiling, you stand up and hand him a cup.

"I'm so happy you came," you chirp. "I really didn't want to come by myself."

"It's no issue." He follows behind you as you make your way to the pumps. You have two testing cups, pouring out flavors you've never tried. Face contorting in satisfaction or disgust. Trying the passion fruit and pineapple, you gag. "So sour. You should try it."

"Ew, no," he laughs. He already knows what he wants. Sticking to his go-to flavor no matter what—chocolate. "He doesn't take that much. Not wanting to indulge in too much."

You decide to get vanilla and coconut, nearly filling the cup to the top. "You're going to finish all of that?" Iwaizumi asks, doubting that you will.

"I… probably won't," you admit. "But it's too late. I'm not starting over. I don't want to waste their stuff."

Heading for the toppings bar, you sprinkle coconut flakes, crushed almonds, and chocolate chips on yours. Iwaizumi only adds more chocolate and oreo chunks to his. You giggle at his choices.

"What?"

You shrug. "I didn't expect you to get so much chocolate."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I just expected you to always be healthy since you're so fit, Mr. Future Athletic Trainer."

"What?" He snorts. "I can't be self-indulgent at times?"

Your face heats up as you feel guilty. "No, I just—I guess—"

"Don't worry, ___," he laughs. "I'm only messing with you."

The shop is empty except for the two of you and the employee on the clock. Silently cashing you two out, you reach for your purse when Iwaizumi stops you and hands the cashier his card. "I owe you this one from last time."

"Iwa…" you groan. 

"Hush," he silences you. "You usually pay when we're all together. This is just to pay back."

"I guess so." You don't push further, knowing how he can be. Finding a spot together outside, the two of you spent the time talking. Mostly you, as you go on and on about the current game you were caught up in. Some life simulation game or what not, Iwaizumi didn't know, but he loved listening to you get so worked up and excited about it. He likes seeing you smile. He likes seeing you happy. 

As you two finish the frozen yogurt, you guys take some time walking around the area. It's quiet and comforting as you both walk together. It's been a while since you walked and took in your surroundings. 

"This feels nice," you hum. "I feel relaxed and at peace."

"Yeah?" Iwa looks over at you. Admiring your side profile as you nod.

"It's really nice out today." Looking up at the sky, it's clear. "The sky's clear and it's quiet."

Iwa grunts in agreement before silence engulfs the two of you as you head back. Walking you back to your dorm, Iwa watches as you unlock the door and turn back to him. "Thank you, Zumi."

"I thought I said to stop calling me that," he groans. 

You giggle. "Have a good night," you sing as you swing the door open and shut it behind you. Feeling bad for shutting it in his face, you open it back up to see him about to leave. "But seriously, thank you for coming. You're the best."

"Have a good night, ___," he chuckles.

—

episode seventeen: listener's pick — saying no & setting boundaries (deleted)

"I'm afraid to admit, but I'm a people pleaser," you sigh. "I can't say no. I don't like accepting help from others. And, I struggle to set boundaries for myself. However, I am working on it. I know you can say that I'm not qualified to speak on this topic, but I think that also gives me reason to encourage not to be me.

"Don't worry, guys. I'm trying to break the habit and learn how to accept help and stuff like that. Gradually, I've been able to tell other students no if they want me to do them favors that collide with my schedule and not to prioritize their work over mine. I let my parents know that I won't be tolerating them going through my stuff when I'm not home. Well… that one is a work in progress because they're still arguing with me about it, but I stood up for myself.

"Oh, and! I recently got a job and my boss wanted to try and put me on schedule for seven days a week and I said no without feeling anxious. And it's not long hours, yes, but I have so much on my plate that I have to at least give myself a rest day. If the Christian God can rest for a day, I can as well. Well, we need more rest than him, I suppose…

"Whatever! My point is that I'm getting better. I'm just trying to aim where I don't feel bad about saying no now. Now, this isn't just about me and my personal experience it's about yours.

"You guys picked this topic for this week's episode and honestly, I'm glad you guys did because this was the best option out of the others." Going through your notes, you're trying to stay on track. "I feel as though our generation struggles with saying no. I feel as though we've been taught to always say yes and take the shit that adults gave us growing up, so now that we're adults—adolescents, whatever term you want to use—we struggle to stand up for ourselves and put our foot down because we've been taught to comply and to never argue.

"I don't know about you, but I was taught to never talk back. I could just try to say my side of the story and my mom would pop me in the mouth for being quote-unquote disrespectful . And I always wondered, how? I was just trying to say that I didn't do it. And if they were ever proven wrong, they wouldn't apologize at all. They would tell me it was a warning. 

"Now, I know I could be revealing a lot about my childhood and some of y'all might worry about me, but don't. Hopefully after this year, I can move out and room with one of my friends, so I won't live with my parents, but they don't know about those plans and I have yet to figure out that conversation…

"I'm getting off-track," you cough. "I'm sorry, y'all. I guess, I just triggered something in me with this topic and still some pent up emotions that I feel towards my parents. But this is what this show is about. Opening up and healing and talking to each other about our issues and finding solutions. Um…"

Rubbing your forehead, you clear your throat. "Anyways, I did research about this and—"

Ending the recording, you lay your head on the desk. You didn't feel confident about that at all. You wondered if you should redo it, but you did speak about some vital information you don't know if you'd remember if you re-record. "Shit," you curse. "I'll ask Akaashi to listen and see what he thinks."

Picking up your phone, you pause as you realize how busy he's been. You texted him before recording and he said he was too busy to come over. Before you could think rationally, you went and pressed 'delete' before you could properly think about it. Sighing, you let out a breath, but the heaviness still stayed. Immediately, you were filled with regret. Taking up your phone, you head to Twitter.

Hey, guys! I want to let you all know that Episode Seventeen: Listener's Pick is probably gonna be postponed. I was just not feeling confident with it and I don't want yours to listen to something I'm not confident and happy with. 

Don't worry though, because I will re-record and next episode, I will finally have things down to accept calls. ;)

Posting it, it relaxes you a bit as you take out your notes and revise them. Reordering your notes, adding tidbits down, scratching out irrelevant things. Your nails dig into your scalp to relieve yourself of the tenderness and ache. When you're done, you pack up your stuff and move it into the chest where you keep your recording stuff hidden away. You've been graced enough to have a dorm room to yourself, no roommate to invade certain privacy. However, you didn't need Yams or Iwa finding out because of your leisure. 

You spend the next few hours with yourself as you try not to absorb too much of it worrying about the podcast. You think this is the perfect moment to clear your head and put some time in for yourself. You've been around your friends so much and haven't taken a moment just for you. Should you use this time to stay locked up in your dorm room, or should you venture the outdoors of college campus life?

Making the abrupt decision to get dressed before you could change your mind, you leave your room in a hurry and bring you wherever your feet take you.

You find yourself at the park, sitting on a swing as it's silent except for the wind gushing through, the chirping of birds and insects, and the faint sound of a dog barking in the distance.

Your phone vibrates in your pocket, but you choose to ignore it and just take it all in. Yes, you sigh. This is definitely what I needed. Smiling in content, you jump off the swing to go to the small playground set to fool around a bit. Considering your age now, you find this underwhelming unlike as a child. However, it feels nice for the nostalgic touch to wrap its course around your body and hug you. 

This wasn't the college student life experience you hoped to have with yourself, but it was honestly better than nothing as you got the chance to reflect and realize what you were doing wrong. You're happy for the numbers that Half-empty, Half-full is achieving, but it only increases the anxiety to please others for what they might not find satisfying. You haven't read any significantly negative comments yet, but you were already preparing for it and by doing what you were telling people not to do. People please.

Sighing, you know you said you'd try to not think about the podcast, but this was probably the best time to reflect. Checking your phone, you got a message from Akaashi.

hey r u ok ?? saw ur tweet for hehf. need any help?

Sending a quick response to let him know that you're okay, you head to the notes app to create a fairly new outline to change perspective and certain ideas. Feeling happier with this one, when it came to re-recording, you felt refreshed.

episode seventeen: listener's pick — saying no & setting boundaries (re-recorded)

"Well, here's another episode coming to an end, guys." You take a deep breath in. "Omg, you guys! Next episode I'm finally going live and we're gonna talk. Ah! I'm so excited y'all. You guys should see me right now? I'm shaking, and I swear to the gods that I'm not lying to you all.

"Make sure to keep up to tabs if you're looking to listen or call in," you remind them. "My YouTube handle is listed with the same name of the podcast, but everything's linked on my podcast listing page. Hopefully, we won't run into technical difficulties as I have had it tested out with a friend of mine.

"Is there anything else to touch on?" You try to rack your brain with anything, but no. You can't think of anything at all. "Well… that's it! Thanks for tuning for another episode of Half-Empty, Half-Full. I love you guys! Bye."

Ending the recording, you're filled with satisfaction and relief. Much better.  

—

Iwa was right. There was really nothing to it. The owner, Sherman, was just really disorganized and needed someone to go through what he needed and didn't need. You spent the first few shifts basically going through piles and piles of papers, putting them in the Manila folders that he gave you. They weren't much, but you had bought more just for it. 

When Iwa had told you that the gym was small, you kind of expected it to be rundown and shabby. Honestly, you thought your pay was too high considering your expectations, but it turned out to be up-to-date. It was a small and private gym for the rich and privileged, it seemed. Considering the majority of the men that came in had no issue trying to gain your attention off of their wealth.

The days you worked with Iwa, he was assisting personal trainers and gaining experience as he helped teach classes. At times, you'd get sneak peaks of what he would do and smiled as he seemed to be really happy and content with what he was doing. He was really made to help train people. 

On most days where you weren't checking people in, you stayed on your laptop catching up on schoolwork, watching YouTube, or silently trying to edit your podcast because apparently you hadn't improved on editing according to some people. Earbuds plugged in, today wasn't one of those days you felt to be productive, so you doodled in a notebook as you had Netflix open and caught up on shows you were falling behind on. With both earbuds in, you're snacking on some chips you had packed as you're absorbed into the laptop screen. There's only an hour left until you need to clock out when Iwaizumi appears from behind you. He leans over to see what you're watching, catching your attention as you look at him. 

"Oh, hey," you simply greet, taking out one bud. 

"You're finally watching The 100, I see," he smirks as he pulls up a seat next to you and takes your free earpiece as he starts watching it.

You snort, knowing what he's getting at. He was the one to suggest the show to you and after months of delaying, you finally decided to check it out. "Don't feel special now. It was on my watchlist." You both know you're lying, but Iwa doesn't push forward as you both get comfortable and watch along.

For the rest of the hour, you both spend it watching the rest of the episode before you decide to pack up your stuff. Looking over some check-in logs, everything is accounted for. Iwa does a quick check on the equipment, knowing they're in good form and clean. Both clocking out, it's a nice walk back to campus. 

"See you later, ___." Iwa waves goodbye as he heads for the opposition direction. Bidding him goodbye, you start heading to the lounge when you run into Yamaguchi.

"Oh hey, Yama!" You smile. "Wanna come to the lounge with me?"

He quickly agrees, nodding as he changes direction to follow behind you. In the lounge room, you both sit across from each other as you work in silence except for the times you have questions for each other. However, as time starts to slow, Yamaguchi gets antsy and shuts his laptop. You, on the other hand, continue typing. Yamaguchi watches you intensely, knowing that you had come off a shift with Iwaizumi not too long ago.

While he might not be the closest to you, only meeting this year, he sees what's going on. He's pretty sure everyone does. "What's up with you and Iwa?"

The question is random, catching you off guard as you look up at Yamaguchi, taken aback before you force yourself to relax. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, come on!" Yamaguchi chuckles. "Do you like him? You know what, don't answer that because you do."

You start to become flustered. Is it that obvious? Before you can think about it further, your eyes furrow as you look up at Yamaguchi. "You better not tell him."

Putting his hand up, he scoffs. "I know I can't keep a secret for, but I've known for the longest—wait, maybe I can keep a secret? But anyway, why haven't you told him?"

"Because he doesn't like me like that." The answer seems easy and obvious, but the snort that comes from Yam's mouth says differently. 

"Well, aren't you a dumbass!"

"Yama!" You choke out. You've never heard him speak this way before. You're shocked, but you can't help but laugh. 

"Don't laugh at me! I'm not lying. He likes you back. How do you not see it?" He asks. "I never took you as the dense kind. Iwa, yes, but you? Nope."

"Iwa's not dense," you roll your eyes. "He's anything but."

"You might think that, but when it comes to his emotions, he is," Yamaguchi says. "He knows a lot about himself, but his emotions, he tends to keep them locked up. But, haven't you seen the way he treats you? You might be a girl, but if you were simply 'just a friend,' I don't think Iwa would be as nice as he is with you. You two look like a couple when you're around."

Thinking about what Yamaguchi's saying, you start to feel overwhelmed with this new wave of emotion. This hope that you're feeling. Does he actually like you back? He's done so much for you. Always helping you and he even gave you a job. You owe him a lot, but you don't want to overthink this and put this all in your head for it to only be false hope. Frowning, you shake your head. 

"Let's change the subject," you say. "I don't wanna talk about it anymore."

"Oh?" Yamaguchi pouts before poking his lips out to think. "Hey, are you gonna call in for Half-empty, Half-full?"

You think you'd prefer to talk about Iwa. You never expected for him to change the topic to this. "No, are you?"

He eagerly nods. "You know that girl, Yachi?" He asks.

Gasping, you squeal. "Omg, do you like her?"

Yamaguchi's face turns red as he nods. "Yeah," he trails off with a smile. "I want to ask my opinion on how to approach her. We haven't really talked, but we have classes together. She seems really cool."

"Aww," you can't help but gush. "You're cute when you have a crush."

"Oh gosh," he blushes harder. "Stop it, ___. I feel like you're making fun of me."

"I'm not!"

"But I wonder what she's gonna say," he ponders. "I know she's not like those love advice type of people, but hopefully she can help out. How do you think I should do it?"

"Huh?" If he's going to ask you now, you don't know how you'll tell him differently on the podcast if he does end up calling in and you answer. You don't want him to connect the dots. "I don't know… Just ask her out? I don't know, Yams."

"I'm sorry," he apologizes. "I just kinda put you on the spot."

"It's fine," you say. "Just don't be creepy and be yourself and you should be good."

"Yeah, I don't know why I asked you for your opinion," he says. "If I wanted a generic answer, I would've approached her already."

Offended, you gasp. "What? It's true, though. Be yourself!"

—

half-empty, half-full is now going live…

Your heart's racing when Akaashi gives you the thumbs up to speak. "Oh my gosh, if you guys can hear me, comment below."

Waiting for responses as people pile in, there's five hundred people in the live chat right now. Your numbers have been gradually getting higher as 3.8k now subscribe to your podcast and 2.4k do on your YouTube. Getting comments that everything is okay, you smile at Akaashi as everything is running smoothly so far. "Oh my God y'all. I'm so nervous. Do you hear my voice right now? It sounds so heavy. Let me calm down and take some breaths."

Taking deep inhales and exhales, you feel a bit more relaxed as you continue forth. "I didn't do my typical greeting and introduction, but this live show is honestly going to be a mess. I planned it out where it wasn't too planned out. This episode shouldn't be so long because this will kinda be a test run to see how this is operating. I know that sounds kind of a way, even though I did say we tested things out, but you guys know how technology can go. It's not as great and brilliant as it makes itself to be.

"Anyway, I kind of wanted this episode to be like us just talking on the phone and just talking as if we're all friends and we've known each other forever. Before we take calls though, I do wanna go through my checklist and let y'all know what's coming up and how things will be going."

Giving them the rundown, you finally feel relaxed with yourself as your heartbeat is at a regular pace. "Okay, now. Here's the exciting part and what we've all been waiting for. Answering calls!

"Now, the number is listed in the description and also on my Twitter page, but just to repeat it, it's [xxx-xxx-xxxx]. I have everything hooked up and ready to go, so when I give you guys the okay, go ahead and call and let's get this show on the road…"

Giving the go, you wait for calls. You look over at Akaashi expectantly as he gives you the same expression you wear. Both excited, there's a line of silence before the first ring sends your heart racing. "Oh my god," you whisper as you answer the call. "Hello?"

"Omg, hi!" A girl's voice speaks. 

"Hey!" You chirp. "What's your name? Or a pseudo you want to go by?"

"Oh, um, call me… Birdie," the girl — Birdie says.

"Hey, Birdie, what's up?" 

"I honestly wasn't expecting to be the first caller, but okay, uh," she trails off. "This is so weird, but what do we call you? I remember when I started listening to this podcast and you never gave us a name to call you by."

You begin to stammer because starting the podcast, you never thought of an alias or something. "Oh… well, I never really thought of that. I'm dumb!" —laughing, you clear your throat as you couldn't really come up with something on the spot— "I'm going to be honest and say I don't know, but that brings up the cool idea for me to think about some potential pseudos and have you all vote. How about that? I kinda like the idea of you all choosing an alias for me."

"That would be so cool!" Birdie squeals. "Okay, but can I also ask why not just your real name?"

"Oh, I just want to keep anonymous and keep my identity hidden," you say truthfully. "I don't know how I would handle it if everyone knew who I was. Does that make sense?"

"Oh yeah, definitely!" She agrees. Humming in response, you check through the live chat to see that everyone can hear properly. 

"Do you have anything else to ask, Birdie?" 

"Um, no," she says. "Thank you so much for answering and for making this podcast. It really helps me out."

"Thank you so much for calling in and supporting my podcast," you smile. "And for being our first caller. Honestly, I think I'll forever remember you because of it. Thank you, Birdie."

Bidding her a goodbye, you take a breath. "Well, that went smoothly! I'm excited! Next caller?" 

After taking two calls, the third call is a familiar voice you recognize as Yamaguchi. Your eyes widen as you mouth to Akaashi who it is. You're nervous, already knowing the situation and hoping that you don't expose any minor details that might make him find out. 

"Hello, who am I speaking to?" 

"Uh, this is um… Freckles?" 

"Oh, Freckles! That's cute," you say. "How're you doing, babe?"

"I have this situation with a girl?" Yamaguchi goes on. "We have a few classes together and she seems cool and I want to talk to her, but I don't know how to approach her."

"Oh?" You try your best to play ignorance. "Oh, are you asking me for love advice? I've always wanted to be a love doctor. What are you trying to do specifically? Ask her out? Start a conversation? Get to know her better?"

"I kinda just want to get to know her better first," he answers. "I just want to be able to approach her and see if she's fine with being friends first before taking things to the next level… if that's what she wants? I don't know."

"Ooh, I see," you trail off. Now that you're live and under pressure, you start to think. "Hmmm, well, I think authenticity is the best, even if it might be the most awkward thing ever. The best thing to do is to try and approach her kindly and tell her your intentions. Be honest. Say 'hey, I'm Freckles and I really think you're cool and wanted to see if we could be friends.' It doesn't have to be corny as I made it sound, but yeah! 

"Definitely, be yourself and be honest. A lot of times, girls can see your intentions and if they're not genuine, they won't fall for it."

"But, what if she doesn't like my… authenticity?" 

"Well, if it's a case where she simply doesn't want to talk to anyone else at the time, respect her wishes and don't take it personal," you say. "Sometimes there's just things happening where we don't know what's going on in their life. Don't take it negatively and don't try to continue pursuing her by pushing her to talk to you. If you want, you can take small steps. Wave hello to her and say hi a couple of times and see if she reacts positively or negatively. Just never push it to a point where she's uncomfortable."

"Okay!" He sounds confident now and you smile up at Akaashi who seems satisfied with your response. When Yamaguchi's finished, it's the last call you take before answering questions though the chat to give people the chance to talk to you through there. The number of viewers continue to rise and it makes you giddy.

When the live comes to an end, you give them the typical conclusion before adding a few more announcements you might have missed out on. When you click end live and stop recording, you let out a huge breath as Akaashi helps you shut things down. 

"That went well," you sigh.

"It did," he agrees. "But I think you need to put up some rules for next time. Like, when they call in, give their name or alias first, then one question only. And maybe you'll accept calls beforehand to prevent trolls and assholes that might try to ruin things and make fun."

"Yeah, that's true." You take note of that. "I was thinking. Four to five calls per live?"

"Hmm, maybe," he thinks. "If they get straight to the point and you can keep it under a certain time frame. If not, keep it to three to four callers only." 

"Okay, makes sense." You nod. "Is there anything else?"

"That's all I got for now," he says before he starts packing his own things to go. At the door, he pauses. "By the way, ___. I'm really happy for you and I do hope that this podcast can go further. You're doing a lot of good here."

Hearing that from Akaashi, you can't help but tear up a bit. That means so much coming from him. "Thank you, 'Kaashi."

—

A lot of time has passed since you went on live for the first time ever. You had created a schedule, shortening podcast updates, making lives a once a month thing, and adding a few new things as you continue to grow. You're near a milestone: 10,000 subscribers, and you're excited as you find yourself being able to manage it all with your work and social life. 

Your viewers have chosen the perfect pseudonym for you—Sunny, which you thought was really cute when someone had tagged you on Twitter. Creating a poll with other ideas that came up, you were happy when that one won. You feel really set with yourself as you can see it going places, taking steps further. 

And while things were manageable, it didn't make it any easier to handle. Trying to upkeep with the tasks and trivial things that came along was a chore. A chore you enjoy, but it's still tedious and exhausting. 

At work, you're chewing on the end of your pen as you type away on your laptop, updating your schedule and planning out the next couple of episodes. You have plenty of ideas, but don't know how to go about them. Sighing, you close the tab and open up to your latest assignment for Kinesiology, but it feels just the same. At a point where you've run out of ammo.

A lightbulb pops up in your head as you switch back to the tab for podcast ideas as you write down an idea for burning out and losing motivation. Writing down points and ideas, rambling on and on in the document before you were completely satisfied. When you're done, you sigh. Now you just need to apply it to your life.  

When your shift is over, you head back to the dorm and completely abandon the rest of the assignments you have for today and pick up the journal you haven't opened in a while. Turning to a new page, you click the top of the pen as you write the date and entry number. Sometimes it was best that you wrote down what you were feeling as a way to vent when you couldn't go to your friends about it. Starting the page was the difficult part, but you know the moment you know where to start, you won't be able to finish. 

And when you are finally finished, you're relieved as you feel a weight lifted over you. That's more like it.  

---

"___!" Yamaguchi comes running up to you. Alongside him, Yachi—the same girl who he had a crush on. Taking your advice, he approached her and was completely—and awkwardly—honest with her. Turns out they're one and the same when it comes to their awkwardness. 

"Oh hey, Yams," you greet. "Hey, Yachi!"

"Hi, ___." She waves. 

"Wanna come with us?" He invites. "We're going roller skating. Akaashi and Iwaizumi are coming as well."

"Why didn't you invite me before?" 

"Well," he scratches the back of his neck. "It's kind of a last minute thing. We're ditching our classes for it."

Huff, you don't know what to do. You've never missed any of your classes without purpose. You're sure if you miss out this one time there'd be little consequences except for falling behind. What could it hurt to be irresponsible this once? "Sure, I'll meet you there. Just send me the address."

The roller rink is packed. Maneuvering yourself past crowds, you finally make it back to the table Yamaguchi had picked out. Rental skates in your hand, you sat next to Iwaizumi as you kicked off the sandals you were wearing and shoved your feet into the old skates. 

"You ready?" Iwaizumi asks, smirking right up at you. His skates were already on, simply waiting for the rest of you all to get them on. Grunting as you struggle to put on your skates, Iwa reaches down to help you and proves the task to be easier than you're making it seem. 

Smiling sheepishly, you shrug. "I'm ready now?"

Going to stand, you're scared of falling, but find yourself standing on the carpeted floor just find. As the group announces that they're ready to go, you're all heading into the rink as people are out and rolling about. In comparison to the carpeted floor, the wooden ground proves to be the challenge as you nearly fall on the first step. Luckily, Iwa catches you before you can fall, using the wall as leverage. 

"Woah, you okay?" You nod as you tell yourself to calm down. 

"Yeah, I'll get the hang of it soon." Hopefully .

"Here." He holds his hand out for you. "Take my hand."

Guiding you, he shows you how easy it is, letting you hold onto him until you're more comfortable and less afraid. When you're comfortable enough to let go, you feel accomplished with yourself but never ahead of yourself as you try your best to keep steady. And when you fell on your ass, Iwaizumi made sure to laugh right in your face as he helped you up.

"I don't get me in pain being your source of laughter, Mister," you pout as he helps you up again. "It wasn't even my fault this time! That guy wasn't even looking where he was going."

"Okay, I'm sorry," his chuckles die down. "I'll stop laughing at you. Just hold my hand for the rest of it."

"Okay," you mutter, taking his hand. Your heart starts racing again, his warm touch enveloping your shivering fingers. You swear there's electricity running through your veins as you remember Yamaguchi's words to you and they're replaying in your head. Could he possibly reciprocate your feelings?

So lost in thought, you didn't hear Iwa calling your name as he's leading you off the court. Shaking your shoulder, Iwa gives you a look of concern when you finally look up. "Hey, are you good? You were out of it."

"Sorry," you apologize. "I was just thinking."

"About what?" He questions further. 

You shrug. "It's nothing to worry about. I don't even know what I was thinking."

You can tell he doesn't believe you, but this time, he doesn't press you any further. Back at the table, you guys order pizza and wings. The table is full of laughter and chatter. Rating until you're stuffed, you don't know if you'd be able to start skating again. However, everyone else seems ready to go back. 

"You guys can go without me," you tell them. "I wanna sit a bit longer."

"Are you sure?" Yachi asks you. "Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No," you shake your head. "Go ahead. I'll be back soon."

Finally accepting your declines, they head back to skating and you thought you were alone when Iwa moved to sit across from you. "Iwa, I said I'll be fine."

"Nah, I'm fine," he sighs. "Kinda just want to sit right now."

"Oh, okay." Silence washes over you both as you start playing with the threads on your shirt. 

"Hey," Iwa calls for your attention. "Take off your skates."

"What? Why?"

"Just do it," he says, and without questioning him anymore, you let him lead you out the building and onto the sidewalk of the plaza. He takes you in shops, watching you ogle things you like and pretend that you don't want them. When you're not looking, he picks up what he can and buys them, dropping them in his backpack. 

He watches you intently, smiling when he guides you inside a metaphysical shop. You've been talking about your interest with crystals and whatnot, and while he does quite understand the appeal, it's worth the look on your face when you walk in. 

Like a child in a candy shop, your eyes widen at the sight as you have no issue with spending money in here. There's a basket sitting in front of you that you take up and start venturing in. He chuckles at how excited you are as you pick up a lot of crystals that all look the same to him. 

He loves how you're so passionate about what you're interested in. Despite your quiet nature, you're sure of yourself and when you're not, you seek to grow. You have a heart so pure and made of gold that he thinks you're too good to be true. You must be some sort of temptress, waiting to reel him in and drag him to his death. 

He remembers meeting you last year at the freshmen orientation. Lost, you came to him for help because you were anxious and didn't know where the hell you were going. However, he didn't really prove to be any help as you both got lost. When you both found out the directions, he didn't see you for the rest of it. You both end up running into each other at the lunch hall and decide to sit beside each other. 

He doesn't know how these feelings started to conjure. He doesn't understand the sudden bubbling of emotions when he's around you and the need and desire to impress and do extra. It's all worth it, he figures though. The bright smile on your face is completely worth it. 

"Iwa, smell this!" Bringing the incense to his nose, you wait expectantly for his response. However, he's thinking of everything else other than the sweet smelling incense. He gives you the answer you want though.

"It smells nice." You nod in agreement as you drop it in the basket. He noticed your basket getting fuller and wonders if you've looked at the price at all. You do tend to splurge too much on your interests though you know better. 

"I have so much stuff," you frown. Iwa snorts. Maybe you do notice. "Should I really get all of this? They're having a deal, but it still adds up..."

"I'll pay for half," he offers, to which you immediately shake your head. Going through the basket, you decide to go through what you really don't want that bad. Putting away a few crystals and guidebooks, your basket gets significantly emptier. Satisfied, you head to the front counter as a woman adorned in jewelry and hair accessories waits.

"Hello," you chirp happily as you drop the basket into the counter. Helping the cashier, you unload the basket and place the items onto the marble. Ringing up your total, you take out your card and pay.

Leaving, your phone vibrates as you get a text from Yamaguchi asking where you and Iwa are. "Oh, we have to go," you tell him. "Yams is asking for us."

Sending back a quick text, you head in the direction where you both came from. However, Iwaizumi isn't following you. "Iwa?" You stop. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, um, can we talk about something?" He asks. You notice his hands and how they're shaking before he shoves them in his pockets. "I want to ask you something."

"Yeah?" You give your full attention to him.

"I—I, um, I don't know how to go about this," he stammers. "Uh, I've liked you for quite some time now. And I've been listening to that podcast everyone's listening to and I remember her mentioning something about being honest and straightforward with your intentions. So, I—I like you… as in more than friends. That sounds like shit. I didn't want it to sound that bad, but uh, yeah. I like you?"

"Oh, I—Iwa…" You're lost at words, stopping in your tracks as you practically stop breathing. "I don't know what to say. I—"

"You don't like me back," he concludes from your hesitancy. Immediately, you try to deny that. 

"Iwa, what? No, I do! I do like you—"

"Just not that way." He starts to curse to himself, having an internal battle with himself as he calls himself foolish and further degrading himself. Before you can stop him, he backs away. "You don't have to try and make me feel better. I've got to go."

"Iwa, wait!" You grab his wrist, forcing him to turn back. 

"___—" 

"No, listen to me!" The stern tone in your voice gets your point across. Sighing, you're trying to gather your thoughts together. "I do like you back. I've always liked you… more than a friend. I just—I just didn’t expect you to—"

With tears starting to stream down your eyes from the immense joy you feel, Iwaizumi pulls you into his hold. “God, I’m sorry,” he breathes. “Fuck, I was so nervous that I just thought maybe I made the wrong choice. I wanna kiss you right now—” Pulling away, he holds your face with his hands, looking into your eyes “—Can I kiss you? Right now?”

“Yes,” you nod, being the one to lean in first before Iwa pulls you in, capturing your lips with his. He takes your breath away as he makes you come impossibly closer to him. He kisses you like a starved man, passionate hunger yet still sweet and soft in the way that he knows how. When you pull away, finally, you’re smiling from ear-to-ear. It makes Iwa laugh. 

“Come on, dumbass,” he says, leading you back to the rink. “Let’s go before they call the cops on us.”

—

half-empty, half-full is now going live…

"Okay guys!" You exclaim. "This week is gonna be a bit different with topics. This week, I wanted to do unpopular opinions because I thought it would be fun to do and see what you all have to say. But also, a reminder that we should also be giving unpopular opinions and not reasons to invalidate people and send hate.

“I tried to think of an unpopular opinion that I had, but I don’t think I have one to share, so we’re just going to get straight to calls,” you say as you turn on your second phone and wait for it to load up for you to press the button for it to connect. “Okay, and now we’re waiting for our first caller.”

When it starts to ring, you answer as you let the first caller speak. “I think sororities aren’t as bad as people make it feel,” the caller, Gigi, states. “I feel as though recently people just find every little thing to hate now.”

“Hmmm,” you think. “I do feel as though people are starting to hate on things to feel trendy, but I don’t know I don’t like fraternities and sororities that much either. Don’t feel any way, Gigi, but from my encounters, sororities girls haven’t been too genuine. There’s a certain image to upkeep and I don’t think I’d be able to handle that myself.”

“See, I can understand that,” Gigi says. “People give me so much shit for being in one now and I thought it was something so cool.”

“Well, if you love your sorority, then forget what others say,” you advise. “I know that that’s easier said than done, but it’s honestly the truth. We have to stop letting people persuade us. That’s a topic for another episode, though. Is that it, Gi?”

“Yeah, thank you Sunny!”

“No problem, babe,” you say, ending the call. “Okay, who’s next?”

The third call you take is from a caller named Kon. “Honestly, people who base their whole personality on sports. It’s so fucking weird and tacky. They’re going to end up being some washed up drunk, wishing that their lives ended up differently.”

You can’t help the little laugh that leaves your lips as you can’t help but agree. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have laughed, but yeah! There must be more than just lifting weights and your used volleyball. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love those passionate about what they love, but come on… Is that all?”

“Oh my gosh, yes!” Kon agrees with you. “Like yeah, like your sport or whatever, but is that the only thing you can talk about?”

“Yes!” you laugh. “It’s like giving me some substance because you’re giving me nothing right now!”

Going on a little bit more, you’re kind of upset when it’s time for them to go. You quite enjoyed talking to Kon and hope they’d call in another time. 

“Thanks for calling in. Bye, love!” Looking at the time, there’s still plenty of time left to squeeze in one more call. As a treat for your listeners, you decide to let one more person call in without having to send something in beforehand. “Okay, since there’s some time left, I’m gonna let anyone call in and give us the last unpopular opinion before it’s time for us to depart. There’s no need to send anything in, just call. Right… now!”

Immediately, the phone starts ringing. “Oh, wow. That was fast!” you laugh, answering the call. “Hello, who am I speaking to—”

"Unpopular opinion, but your podcast is boring. You're just some wannabe therapist that swears she'll be something and will become nothing. Honestly, you must be boring outside of your podcast by the sounds of it. Here you are telling us to be respectful of our opinions, but here you are being a hypocrite and bashing on people who like sports," The caller goes on to rant. 

“I’m so sorry,” you immediately apologize. “I didn’t mean to disrespect anyone. It’s just that—”

“No, I don’t buy that bullshit,” he stops you. “Because, are you actually sorry or are you sorry that you got caught?”

His response catches you off guard and completely speechless as everything goes silent. He takes that as his victory, hearing you have nothing to say in your defense. “That’s what I thought,” he hangs up.

Heart racing, you don’t know what to do as you try to gather up your thoughts as the live chat starts going crazy regarding the caller. “Well, um… I’m sorry about that, everyone. Uh, I—I have to go.”

Abruptly shutting down the live, your heart starts to race because you never expected or experienced anything like that before. Calming down or at least trying to, you couldn’t help but recognize the voice. Replaying the words in your head, your heart shatters. It was Iwaizumi who had called in.

— 

You’ve listened to the end of the live billions of times to make sure that your mind wasn’t playing tricks on you. It was actually Iwaizumi who had called in and you had offended him badly. You didn’t intentionally mean to sound so harsh now that you’re going back to it. However, from all the tweets regarding the live, you should’ve thought before you spoke. People were agreeing that you were both in the wrong, stating how you would have worded it better because your intentions weren’t bad. Majority understood that you didn’t think one sole thing should be your entire personality. However, it doesn’t take away the fact that you sounded as though you were making fun of those who were passionate about their hobbies.

In all truth, you were afraid to speak about the topic. You know the best thing to do is apologize, but you also know it’s best to give time. You wanted to be genuine and for it to be from the heart, not some written essay that sounded artificial. You shouldn’t stop anything, not wanting to seem like you were running from your faults, knowing that would do you no good. You knew what to do, what you wanted to say, but every moment forward, you feel your heart racing even more. Grabbing your phone and opening Twitter:

I want to address the last live. The topic was an unpopular opinion, and during the end of it, I had said some very harsh things about people who love sports. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings, U guess that I just — [DELETED]

What I said during the last live was stupid and very inappropriate. I should’ve considered my words and phrased it better. I don’t have problem with people who love the sports they play, I just don’t think it should be their entire personality [DELETED]

None of it feels right. It feels like a break-up over text. Very shitty. Should I do it on camera and address it? You think. I don’t want it to feel like basic YouTube apologies that sound ingenuine.

Stuck not knowing what to do, your phone vibrates and it's a message from Iwaizumi. 

Hey, I want to take you out on an actual date. Are you free after work tomorrow?

Though you know what you did was wrong, you can't help but feel hurt by what Iwaizumi had said. Did he really think all those things about you? Sure, he doesn't know that Sunny is you, but still. Yes, his mind could've been clouded with anger, but you always followed the ideology that those who spoke words of anger had some truth in it. It breaks your heart nonetheless.

You decide to ignore him altogether until you can think of a way to apologize. You figure that you'll be able to fix things soon and find a way to make things right. However, ignoring him proved to be difficult when you wanted to hang out with your friends. Unintentionally, you started avoiding your friends, too. More so Yamaguchi and Yachi.

When you went to work, you'd ignore him. Never engaging in small talk or turning in the opposite direction when he waved you over. When both of your shifts would end at the same time on most days, you'd make sure to leave out first. At some point, Iwaizumi got the hint. However, he still wore a pained expression whenever you'd go off by yourself without him. 

What was this abrupt change? He couldn't come up with a reason. Were you starting to regret confessing to him? Did you all of a sudden feel differently about him? If so, he felt as if you should be honest with him instead of ignoring him and pretending that he didn't exist. He won't confront you, though. He's afraid that if he does, you'll only make him even more vulnerable. He doesn't want you to see him cry. It was an ugly sight. 

Even in Biology class, you had found a vacant seat in the back. You looked uncomfortable next to the guy you sat with. Some beefy guy that constantly stared you down as you scooted as far as you possibly could. 

He wanted answers, but for once, he found himself afraid. Sighing, he watches you leave the class. Packing up his things, he expects to leave uninterrupted when the professor calls his name.

"Iwaizumi, mind staying after for a bit," he motions for the seat across his desk. "I'd love to speak to you about something."

Checking the time, he needs to go. He had taken an extra shift at work and needed to be there in the next twenty minutes or so. However, seeing as how the professor smiled, he was sure it was good news. "Yeah, sure."

The professor had nominated him for a speech in front of Sports Ambassadors in the next month. Telling Iwaizumi that among all the speeches, his was the best and considering his major, the professor figured that it would be a huge help for his career. It would give him plenty of opportunities if they liked what he had to say. Without a doubt, Iwa took the opportunity in a heartbeat, willing to make changes in his schedule just for this event. 

When he was finally dismissed, he took out his phone, looking for your contact to tell you the good news. Without thinking, his finger pressed 'Call.' When it started ringing was when he finally remembered that you wanted nothing to do with him. Pressing the big red button, he huffed as he shoved his phone back in his pocket.

If you were going to be immature, that was on you. You weren't going to stop him from having a good day.

—

"You need to talk to him," Akaashi tells you the obvious, lounging around in your room as you sit around your desk, typing away on your laptop. 

"I can't," you simply state.

"Why not?" You scoff, turning to him.

"Weren't you the one telling me that I can't tell people who I am if I want anonymity? I can't tell him that I was the one that said all that stuff on my podcast," you cry. "He'll hate me even more!"

Akaashi laughs. "Didn't you tell me he confessed to you that night when you ditched us? I'm pretty sure he won't hate you. He'll understand if you explained it to him."

You know Akaashi's right. He always is. "I'm scared, Akaashi… It's not even just Iwaizumi. It's also about the podcast! It's losing its numbers because of what I did. People are talking and saying that I'm exactly like every other social influencer — fake and a liar! I'm neither of those… At least, I hope I'm not. Oh my gosh! What if they're right about me!"

Akaashi knows that this is just your anxiety talking, and while he sees the solution as so simple, he couldn't imagine actually being in your shoes. You've been so stressed and out of it lately. You could barely plan an episode let alone speak into the mic. Your grades were slipping and while you weren't failing, professors noticed your change in emotions. You were starting to slack off even at work as you weren't performing as usual. 

This was all new for you and you were feeling overwhelmed. Akaashi sighs as comes to sit next to you at your desk. "Listen, ___," he starts. "You're not fake. You're not a liar. Social media just likes to make you feel shit about yourself and likes to stretch the story and paint every influencer as a bad person. Most of the time, you know it's just them projecting their emotions. Come on, are you a psych major or am I?"

You can't help but giggle at that. "Anyway, if you want to keep the relationship you had with Iwa, you need to talk to him and soon—I shouldn't be telling you, but he got this chance to speak in front of a lot of important people. It could really give him the chance to make himself known. There's a seminar coming up and if they like what he has to say, it could really push him in the right direction. I'm pretty sure he wants you there.

"I'm pretty sure if you apologize to him, everything else will fall into place." Patting your back, he stands up. "I have to go. I have my film class to get to."

You know Akaashi’s right. You know that simply explaining to Iwaizumi the situation would solve your issues. Yes, he didn’t know that you were Sunny, but to clear your conscience you needed to be honest with him. You need to make things right for everything to eventually be alright, whether or not he accepts your apology. So, before you can properly think it through, you grab your phone to text him.

Hey, can we talk?

It doesn’t take him long to respond, telling you that he’s busy. Frowning, you sigh. Whether he was ignoring you or genuinely busy, you know you deserve it. You’ve been such an asshole for no complete reason. Shutting your laptop, you dive onto your bed. It’s quarter to three and you have one more class for the day—Biology. Iwaizumi will be there , you beam. Sitting up, you brighten up as you try to compose an apology meaningful and genuine in your head. Packing up your laptop and notebook for your class, you head to the Science department slowly to give yourself time to think. 

When you get to the class, you have it all figured out. You’d sit next to him like you used to and ask if you could both speak after class. You’d take him to the cafe and sit in the back booth and both spend some time together as you explain to him exactly what you do in your free time. Hoping that he responds greatly, you’ll apologize for what you said during the live and tell him that you didn’t mean him. That you didn’t mean to offend all the sports junkies.

If he doesn’t respond well, then… You would have to accept that you were the one to ruin your friendship and that you were a horrible person. Sighing, you really feel bad for what you did. You start to question if you’re even worthy to even have a podcast anymore. Shit, you curse to yourself. I ruined everything. 

You feel like crying, but at the door of the Biology room, you try to get yourself together as you walk through the open door. Immediately, your eyes dart for your old seat next to Iwaizumi to only see it occupied by someone else. A girl and she’s really pretty. You don’t know who she is, only that she’s in this class and in your old spot. Your eyes land on Iwa next to only see him returning your stare. Immediately looking away, you head to your spot in the back—next to the asshole guy that always wanted to interrupt your time and talk to you through the whole lecture. 

However, you try not to let it discourage you as you spend the whole lecture watching the clock and ignore everything else. Your lack of attention doesn’t go ignored even if you’re in the far back. You don’t hear the professor calling your name until the man next to you nudges your shoulder. The look on his face is pity as he gestures to the professor. 

“Can you please answer the question on your board?” Your heart starts to hammer against your chest as you look at the foreign words written on the board. You haven’t paid attention to a word being said all lecture and everything written doesn’t make sense to you. Panicking, your heart feels heavy as though you could pass out. There’s no need to guess when you obviously don’t know. 

“I-I’m sorry,” your voice cracks. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

“I could tell.” The professor continues on with the class and you feel so embarrassed to be called out like that. Keeping your head low, you cower and wait for the class to be over.

When it is, you tread lightly. However, the professor doesn’t call you to stay afterwards, only watching you with scrutiny and disappointment. You shuffle faster through the door as your eyes search for Iwaizumi. He’s a long way ahead as you try to hurry and make it to him. He’s around a group of men, talking and laughing and you’ve never seen them before. You’ve never seen Iwaizumi around people like them. You can’t help but be curious when you finally reach them.

“Iwa!” He ignores you. You try again. “Iwaizumi!”

He doesn’t ignore you that time, turning around as he harshly asks, “What?”

“Can we talk?” you ask, getting nervous as his friends stop in their tracks to see what’s happening between the two of you. He seems annoyed by your presence, but nods and gives you the okay to speak. Squirming nervously, you feel as though this was a bad idea. “Can we talk in private?”

He doesn’t want to, but he doesn’t want to make a bigger scene than this as people look. He leads you to an empty hall where people are barely there. When there’s no one around, he looks right at you, waiting expectantly. “Well, what did you want to tell me?”

“I wanted to apologize,” you speak softly.

He scoffs. “Oh, you wanted to apologize after ignoring and ghosting me?”

“No—well, yes, but I want to explain why—”

“Explain what, exactly?” his voice only gets higher, face reddening in complete anger. “Explain how you couldn’t be honest and just tell me that you didn’t like me? Explain that you didn’t want to go out with me?”

“No, I do like you, ‘Zumi,” you try your best to diffuse the situation to get him to calm down. “I really do like you. I just—”

“Then why did you suddenly stop talking to me?” he asks. “I want a valid explanation.”

“I—I—” your voice starts to break. You’re afraid to tell him the truth, especially not in this angered state of this. You were hoping for a more calm approach. You deserve this, you know, but it doesn’t make it easier. Your hesitation and lack of an explanation only gives Iwaizumi the answer he needs.

“That’s what I thought,” he says, turning around and leaving you alone. Your face is stained with tears and you can’t move. You’re still trying to find something to say, but the only thing you can mutter out is the shaky, “I’m sorry.”

not an episode, it’s an apology  

Later that evening, you start a recording. You didn’t have anything planned, but so pained from earlier today, you figured that you could at least apologize to Iwaizumi as Sunny. Hopefully, this could suffice as some sort of apology. 

“Hello everyone,” you say. So careless, you don’t have on voice masking. You’ve completely forgotten about it. “This episode is honestly not gonna be an episode. I wanted to address my last live. The live where we spoke about unpopular opinions. I wanted to do something different and opinionated. I wanted to do something fun, and at first it was, but at the end, I got very carried away and I didn’t say exactly what I meant.”

Messing around with your laptop, you insert the clip of what you and Kon were saying. Cringing, your words are repeated to yourself: “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have laughed, but yeah! There must be more than just lifting weights and your used volleyball. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love those passionate about what they love, but come on… Is that all?”

“I know there are those wondering why I took so long to do this,” you sigh. “I’ve been making other episodes and ignoring the situation that happened altogether. I wasn’t ignoring it, I just didn’t know how to approach it at the time.

“At the moment, I didn’t see how what I said was wrong, but now that I actually took the time to listen back I can completely understand,” you sigh. “And I don’t know if that same listener is listening in, but if you are, Iwaiz— I mean, if you’re listening, I want to apologize because that was really shitty of me. You don’t have to accept this apology by any means. I’m not looking for forgiveness, but I want you to know that I’m genuinely sorry.

“And honestly, I don’t know what to do at this point if I’m being honest with myself,” you speak. “I know this might seem like a miniscule issue to some people, but I wanted to make this podcast a place free of judgment, and there I went being so judgmental. I don’t feel like I should run a podcast if I can’t even keep my word on that. So… I want to say that this podcast is on an indefinite hiatus until I can figure out what to do.

“Until next time,” you get ready to stop the live. “Bye, guys.”

You go ahead to save the recording, logging into your account to upload the podcast and putting in the information needed. Not taking the time to look back, you press the post button and shut the laptop when it’s 100% complete. 

— 

The next day, you wake up with hundreds of notifications from your phone. Groggy, you skim through them tiredly as you can’t really make out a word at all. However, you make out Akaashi’s name perfectly as you open it up to read:

___, what the hell?

We need to talk. Coming up in thirty minutes.

Checking the timestamp, that was sent twenty minutes ago. Sitting up in bed, you hear a knock at the door. Assuming it's him, you open it up without question to earn his patronizing gaze. "___, do you know what you've done?"

"I apologized to him," you say. "Just like you told me to."

Giving you a look, he shuts the door behind him as he gets inside. "You know exactly what I mean. Don't play stupid," he sits on your bed. "You were supposed to apologize to him in person, not almost blow your cover and apologize through the podcast."

"I did not blow my cover," you cross your arms. You obviously don't remember exactly what you did and said last night. 

"You didn't go on with your voice mask and you almost said his name," Akaashi reprimands you. "Not many people might know you, ___, but they will try to. They will out the dots together and they already are trying to."

Taking in everything that Akaashi said, you take out your phone to play the episode. Listening to it all, you curse, "Fuck!"

Akaashi nods, seeing you finally take it all in. "I don't know if Iwa still listens, but if he hears the recording he'll know it was you."

"What am I going to do?" You cry. 

Akaashi shrugs. "You could take it down if you want, but it will look suspicious on your part."

"I should've thought it through," you groan, facepalming and burying your face further in your hands. 

"What happened, though?" Akaashi asks, playing his role of a concerned friend now. "You sounded like you were on the verge of crying? Did you go to Iwa?"

You nod. "He wouldn't let me explain," you cry. "He was so angry with me."

Tearing up, your head leans to Akaashi as he takes in your embrace. He had been the number one shipper for you and Iwaizumi, hoping that you two would finally get together after all the "platonic" dates you guys went on. However, with you making the stupid mistakes that you did and knowing how angry Iwaizumi could get and how he could hold a grudge, he wasn't sure if he could see things getting better any sooner. 

He can't handle seeing his two friends in such a quarrel together. Huffing, he runs his hand through his hair making the immediate decision to sort things out on his own and push the two of you in the right direction. He was right all along. The two of you really are idiots.

"Everything will be fine, ___," he assured you. "Don't worry about anything."

—

You miss the next episode for Half-Empty, Half-Full. Because of it, you're given daily tweets asking where you've been. Though it feels nice, it's not enough to make you feel better about yourself and everything that's been happening. Sulking your way to your classes, you keep your head down low and don't care to look up. Bumping into someone, you nearly tumble, but you simply apologize and keep going. 

If you were Sunny right now, you don't even know what you would advise everyone. You're crying over a guy right now, and it was the last thing you ever wanted to cry over. Personally, you thought that stressing over a person wasn't good for anything, that you needed to push through the pain and keep going. However, it wasn't simply just losing Iwaizumi because of your crush on him. It was because you lost a good friend in your life and you don't know if you'll ever get him back.

Trudging to class, you look like a mess. You're so absorbed in your own mind that the person who was trying to call your attention had to touch your shoulder to get it. Turning around, your eyes widen at Iwaizumi. You can't bear to look him in the eye, so you keep your head down low. 

"You dropped this," he says, handing you your pouch. Nodding, you hum as you take it and mutter a mere thank you. You keep going after that, leaving Iwa to watch your sulken state. He can't help but admit that he feels bad. He saw how you were on the verge of crying when you had tried to talk to him the other day. You were speechless at his anger as he didn't let you explain and Iwaizumi knew he should've given you a chance, an opportunity to explain yourself, but did you even deserve a chance? 

"Hey, ___," he calls out for you. When you turn around, you're confused about what he wanted. You were scared of what he would have to say. He hates that he made you afraid of him. "I'm speaking at a seminar in a couple of weeks, and I wanted you to attend."

"Oh!" That's the last thing that you were expecting from him. However, you already know what your answer is going to be. "I'll be there. Just um, send me the info."

Nodding, he leaves you to get going as head to your next class as he's leaving his. Akaashi had messaged him, asking him to meet at the lounge as he had something important to talk about. He didn't understand the sudden meeting, but agreeing anyways he spots Akaashi already waiting inside with a mug in his hand and taking a sip.

Dropping his bag across from him as he takes a seat, Akaashi wears the same nonchalant expression as always. Akaashi is to you as Yamaguchi is to Iwaizumi. However, where you listen to Akaashi's advice, Iwa tends to ignore Yamaguchi half the time. Iwaizumi scoffed to himself, if Akaashi was so good at advice, why didn't he advise you to not be so stupid.

"You wanted to talk," Iwaizumi states, wanting to get straight to the point. Iwaizumi doesn't know where this anger came from. The snap in his voice is unnecessary as Akaashi's never done a thing to him. He hasn't upset him. Maybe it's because when he sees Akaashi, he sees you. Cursing to himself, he's starting to regret the decision of inviting you to the seminar to speak. But, Yamaguchi had told him that he needed to hear you out, listen to what pathetic excuse you had for him prior. Honestly, as much as he wants to hear your reasoning, he couldn't bring himself to. 

"Yeah," Akaashi nods. "Thanks for meeting me here."

"Mhm, what's the issue?" Iwa asks, wanting to get straight to the point. 

"I think you need to talk to ___," Akaashi tells him. "There's a reason why she's acting so… weird."

"Can you tell me the reason?" Akaashi sighs, shaking his head. 

"I can't speak on her behalf," Akaashi says. "It's not my story to tell, but to make it easier, listen to Half-Empty, Half-Full's second to last episode. I think it was meant for you."

Standing abruptly so Iwaizumi couldn't question him further, he grabs his bag and leaves the unfinished tea on the counter. Sitting down, Iwaizumi grunts in frustration. What did the stupid podcast have to do with anything? What did the podcast have to do with—

Taking out his phone, Iwaizumi goes to Google Podcasts, opening up the app and clicking on the podcast. At the top states the title: not an episode, it's an apology . Plugging in his earbuds, he shoves it in his ears before pressing play. 

Listening to it, he replays the short recording three times more. The voice is yours and there's no doubt that you were about to say his name. "Shit," he curses, putting two-and-two together. 

The late arrivals, the secrecy, why you were always unavailable during allotted times. He should've known. It could have been so obvious if he had realized it from before. Why you were suddenly ignoring him, feeling guilty for offending him and wanting to apologize for it, it all made sense. However, at the same time, it didn't.

Iwaizumi feels a certain kind of hurt. You had kept the podcast a secret from him . He was sure Akaashi knew about it. He was always the one that didn't mind or didn't seem to be so bothered when you were running late. Giving you knowing looks when you'd arrive. You both spoke silently and knowingly. It broke his heart to know you had more trust in him rather than him. Why couldn't you have told him as well?

He could understand Yamaguchi. The boy couldn't keep a secret for the life of him. Not a secret like that anyway. However, it seemed like Akaashi was always the one to know everything about you, and Iwaizumi couldn't lie. He was jealous.

Iwaizumi took out his phone to text you the information for the seminar. It would be the perfect time to talk about everything. Sending it to you, at the bottom he added: We need to talk .

No more hide and seek. He needed to speak with you. 

— 

Packing up your things, your Kinesiology class had just ended. Slowly but surely, you were starting to get the hang of things again. You were starting to feel like yourself again and it felt good. It’s like a refreshing glass of water, cool and tranquil. At ease with yourself, you’re falling back into pace. About to leave, you feel a gentle tap on your shoulder. Disturbed, you flinch and spin around to see the perpetrator. He’s no one important to you, no one that you know. 

“Can I help you?” you grimace, a state of discomfort washing over you. 

"You're ___, right?" Before you can even answer, he answers for himself. "Of course, you're ___. I came up to you because you're ___. I'm so stupid, agh!"

Groaning, he feels embarrassed to be talking to himself right in front of you. Face heating up and turning red, he keeps his head low. "Oh yeah, um, I'm sorry… I'm Nathaniel. Nathan for short. Or Nate, if you want! I wanted to know if you would like to hang out sometime? As friends, but I'd really like to be more than friends… if you're fine with that! So, uh, what do you say?"

"Oh, um," you're taken aback. It's a lot to take in all at once. You don't know what to say. By the looks of it, Nathaniel seemed sweet. It obviously took him a lot of courage to approach you like this. Looking around, you two are almost the last two there. The professor is staring at the both of you, waiting for your departure. Apologizing, you motion for him to follow you out so you both can talk about it outside the class. 

Now venturing the halls together, Nathaniel awaits an answer that you're afraid to give him. "Well, Nate … I'm not really looking for someone to date right now."

"Oh, well, can we be friends then?" He takes the response better than you expected him to. 

"I don't know…" you squirm. "You kinda did just confess to me. Isn't that, I don't know… I just know that sometimes being friends with someone you like romantically can be… painful."

He shrugs. "I think any sort of relationship is better than none."

And he's right. Any relationship is better than none.

You've found that you and Nathaniel have more in common. Just like you, he's a psychology major who over analyzes  everything and puts so much stress on himself. He's awkward and quite adorable, you're afraid to admit. His presence is comforting to you.

Study partners to coffee comrades to frozen yogurt buddies, he's taken your mind off of everything around you and all your issues. Walking to Kinesiology together, Nate’s telling you a story about him and his younger brother. Being an only child, you always love hearing stories about people who have siblings. They always wish they were an only child while you wanted the opposite. 

“I can’t believe he did that!” you gasp. “He threw away your tablet because you pissed him off?”

“Yup,” Nate nods. “All because I wouldn’t play some stupid game. I mean, he was, what? Seven? But, I thought he had more sense than that.”

“Wow,” you sigh. “If I did something like that my parents would’ve killed me.”

“Trust me, my mom was so pissed,” he snorts. “She was close to murdering him before I could.”

“What—”

“___,” a voice calls out to you. It’s Iwaizumi. Again, his presence surprises you. However, it’s not as suffocating anymore. You feel slightly relaxed. Nate stands next to you, inching closer as if he could protect you. However, lean and lanky can’t win against Iwaizumi’s buff build. You know for a fact that Nate has no combative skill whatsoever, so there’s no point. 

“Iwa… hi,” you smile, but it’s a pathetic one. He looks from you, then Nate and back to you. He clenches his jaw, but tries to not make it so noticeable. He fails. 

“I just wanted to make sure that you’re coming to the seminar,” he says, squirming around a bit. It’s unusual of him. He usually stands tall, confident and knowing. His unease makes you uncomfortable.

“Of course I’m coming,” you smile. “I already told you that I am.”

“I… just wanted to make sure.” Looking back at Nate, he’s had enough. “I’ll leave you alone now. See you around.”

You nod. “See you around.”

episode thirty-five: pushing people away

“When I was in high school, I had this big habit of flaking out on my friends,” you start. “They would always invite me to places and I would say no. Or if I said yes, at the last minute I would bail on them and blame it on my parents. I loved my alone time and I felt insecure around them.

“I would always think that I was the odd one out. And a bit of a disclaimer if this even is one, but we weren’t that close. We were just friends because we enjoyed each other’s company inside of school. I’m not trying to find an excuse for myself, but this just goes for me to say that I was uncomfortable around them. I think it was why I always flaked on them.

“I think I was scared because they were all so pretty and they knew each other well. And me? I was shy and hella awkward. Still am, just not as much. However, after always bailing on them, they didn’t invite me so often. We didn’t really talk as much in school anymore, and it got even more awkward. I had realized that I pushed them away and while I wasn’t completely left friendless, it didn’t feel good at all.

“I didn’t intentionally mean to push them away, but because of my poor communication skills, it left me lonely,” you sigh, a sunken look on your face. “Recently, I’ve been feeling lonely because I’ve pushed someone who was close to me away. I didn’t mean to, but I did and instead of talking to them about it, I made things worse. I don’t know what to do to make it better, and I know that in a way I’m being a hypocrite, but I want y’all to learn from my mistakes and do better.

“So, take that step forward and get out of your comfort zone,” you smile. “Admit where you’re wrong and continue to grow. That sounds corny, but for real, do it! Because while we all like our solitude, no one likes to feel lonely. 

“Thank you for tuning into another episode of Half-Empty, Half-Full —” Completing your spiel, you click off and stop the recording. With a weight lifted off of you, this is the first episode you feel proud of after a while. You know that part of it was for yourself, that you needed to get out of your comfort zone and be completely honest with Iwaizumi. Yes, you had tried from before, but you let fright and failure scare you off. Grabbing your phone, you start typing up a long winded message, ready to click send when you stop. Again, you’re letting fear get to your head. You fight it, really you should. Instead, you delete it and shut your phone off. 

It isn’t the right time, you convince yourself. You find yourself hard to believe, but you utter it to yourself still. “It isn’t time yet.”

— 

Tonight’s the night of the seminar. It also happens to be the night where Iwaizumi cares about his appearance, wearing slick black slacks and a white buttoned down shirt. His hair is styled, but he made sure that he can still recognize himself. He’s sweating and it’s evident in the way his shirt is already stained with sweat in the pits. 

“Calm down, Hajime,” he shuts his eyes. “Calm down.”

Grabbing his blazer he feels like it’s too much, but he can’t show that he is nervous. He still can’t believe how he managed to be offered such a great opportunity such as this. He doesn’t understand how his essay seems to trump over the hundreds of essays of other students with greater brilliance. It brings him back to all the corny things you’d tell him. How the universe always works in your favor, or maybe how his manifestations are coming to life. He’d love for you to tell him some bullshit like that right now only for him to reiterate that it was just his hard work. You’ll only lecture him more on your spiritual ideology and optimistic takes. 

He’d love for you to be here right now. You’d know how to cheer him up. He huffs as he grabs his phone and lanyard, heading out the door. When he gets to the auditorium, he feels even more nerves running through his veins. Heart rate speeding up, he’s always been in the seats and watching. He was never the one speaking, never the one performing. He hates it, but he has to do this. 

Yamaguchi said they were here. From the back of the curtains, he peeks out to look. Scanning the crowd, he finally spots you guys. All sitting close to the front, waiting expectantly and impatiently for it all. His eyes search for you and you’re perched next to Akaashi. You’ve definitely dressed for the occasion. In a nice blue dress, it stops right above your knees. You have your hair combed back in one, gelled down to keep the strays at bay. You look amazing, though your attire’s so simple. He can’t help but be so captivated by you. 

Pulling away from the curtain, he lets out a breath and feels a hand on his shoulder. “We should be starting in five minutes,” his professor informs him. With a sincere smile, his grip tightens. “Don’t worry, you’ll do well.”

Is well enough , though? That’s what worries Iwaizumi. Will he best be good enough? Pushing the curtains back, the lights start to dim down as the curtains start to open. Heading back, he watches as the host heads out on stage. Reading the sheet that they handed out, he’s the sixth person to head out. It should give him plenty of time to prepare himself. 

However, it doesn’t. When his name is called, he’s jittery. The bright light that’s put on him is blaring and annoying. However, he’ll have to make due. He’s rehearsed this so many times, but now the words that he’s memorized are gone and he can’t make anything of it. Looking at the crowd, they’re waiting expectantly, but his eyes can only find yours as they lift him up. Your eyes shine bright as your attention is only on him. Your smile is faint, but it’s there and it’s enough to get him through his speech.

With every word he speaks, he grows more confident and sure. Making eye contact with everyone, he ends it with a smile. Gaining a round of applause, he leaves feeling happy and good about himself. He leaves feeling great. 

There’s still a few people who have their speeches to give, so Iwaizumi heads into the crowd to sit with his friends. Yamaguchi leaves him a vacant spot, a spot conveniently left next to you. You give him a meek smile as he takes his seat. Both left in discomfort, you watch the rest of the seminar. When the lights were turned back on and everyone came to stand. There were people approaching Iwaizumi, complimenting him on his speech. They gave him plenty of offers, giving out their business cards to him and telling Iwaizumi to contact them as soon as possible.

It was so anxiety-inducing that when it was over, Iwaizumi was relieved. When it was time to leave, Yamaguchi pulled him away from the card, throwing a hand over his shoulder. “You were great up there!” he laughs. “Minus that shiny forehead and your slight stuttering, you were great!”

“Shut up,” he rolls his eyes and pushes Yamaguchi off of him. “I’m ready to go home.”

“Oh no you’re not,” Yamaguchi frowns. “I made reservations at that really nice restaurant downtown. You’re coming. After all, I made the reservation for you.”

Iwa really wished Yams had spoken to him about this before. After the seminar, he had only hoped to speak to you about everything and go about the rest of the night smoothly. As much as he loved being around his friends, he didn’t think he could be around anyone else anymore. But, he didn’t want to disappoint Yamaguchi after he put so much effort into it. 

With no other choice but to agree, he’s then surrounded by his friends and enjoying his time. After a long while of no proper get together with the lot of you, this feels completely normal as you all laugh and enjoy your time. You’re sitting next to Akaashi, both conversing to yourselves. You look a little too comfortable with him, making Iwaizumi feel that same pit of jealousy he feels whenever you’re too close to Akaashi. It starts to ruin his night the more he looks your way.

When the night comes to an end, you all head out in the chilly night. Yamaguchi and Yachi walk before you as Akaashi had left before the lot of you all. It leaves you and Iwaizumi behind, walking behind in silence. You seem as though you’re in deep thought the more Iwa watches you. He feels like a creep, knowing that he can’t keep prolonging this anymore. Fighting an internal battle, his rationality wins as he calls you over. “___, can we speak?”

You’ve been waiting all night for this. You remembered his text on how he wanted to speak after the seminar. You didn’t know what about, but it must be important. Staying behind as Yamaguchi and Yachi slowly disappear from sight, you stand in front of Iwaizumi expectantly. In awkward silence, you’re the first to speak up. 

“You were great tonight,” you tell him. “I didn’t understand a lot of what you were talking about, but you did great.”

The smile you give is genuine as you’re truly proud of him. “Thank you,” he accepts your compliment. “___, we need to talk—”

“I’m Sunny!” you burst out, a little too loudly for your liking. With wide eyes you look around to see if anyone heard. With no one in sight, you’re relieved. Shutting your eyes, you look at your shoes as you’re too afraid of Iwaizumi’s reaction. “I mean—I’m the host of Half-Empty, Half-Full .”

You’re waiting for Iwaizumi to say something, but he doesn’t. “I said all that mean stuff about jocks and sports-junkies, but I didn’t mean it like how I said it. I have no issue with people who love sports, I just don’t understand those who made it their entire personality. After working at the gym and with how many obnoxious pricks that would approach me, it just reminded me of that and—gosh! Iwaizumi, you’re nothing like those annoying assholes. 

“I felt so bad for what I said when I realized who you were that I wanted to apologize to you in person. I wanted to make it proper, where I could approach you without feeling like a guilty asshole, but I couldn’t so I started ignoring you until I was ready. Iwa, I like you a lot. Like, a lot a lot and I never meant to push you away!”

Finally looking up at Iwaizumi, you feel so embarrassed as you’ve blurted out so much. However, you wouldn’t take it back as the burden’s been lifted and the heavy weight is no longer on your shoulders. “I’m so sorry, ‘Zum—Iwa. I should’ve just come to you and apologized to you from that moment, but I didn’t know what to do.”

You’re not expecting the small laugh to leave his lips and his arms to wrap around you. “Wow,” he breathes. “I wasn’t expecting all that.”

“I really am sorry,” you apologize once more, returning the embrace.

“I didn’t think I would forgive you this easily,” Iwaizumi admits. “I had planned that after the seminar that I would talk to you. I told myself that I would ask why didn’t you just tell me about the podcast. This whole thing could’ve been avoided if you had told me about it.”

Taking a step back, you’re in shock. “You knew that I was Sunny? Wait—what? How?”

“Akaashi came to me and made me listen to your apology,” he explained. “It explained a lot since you didn’t use that voice cover-up and you nearly slipped while saying my name. After I listened to it, I got mad again, but at the fact that you felt like you couldn’t trust me enough to tell you about starting a podcast.”

“No, no, no!” You shake your head. “You’ve got it all wrong. It’s not that I didn’t trust you, I just wanted to keep it anonymous. The more people that know, the higher the risk.”

“Then, how come Akaashi knows?” 

“Because he does most of the editing for me,” you say. “He helps me with a huge portion of the podcast. He gave me the inspiration to even gain the courage to start it up. I wouldn’t have started the podcast if it wasn’t for him.”

“Well, when you put it like that, I feel like an asshole,” Iwaizumi groans. 

“Hey, no!” you disagree. “I’m the asshole for even starting this whole mess. I should’ve chosen my words more carefully, and even so, I should’ve never made fun of all the jocks out there.”

“I mean,” Iwa snorts. “You were kind of right. I spend most of my time at the gym.”

“Yeah, but you don’t constantly flex about it and think it’s the reason why every girl should go out with you,” you shutter, horrid flashbacks to the many men at the gym.

“Is that really how they try and approach you?” Iwaizumi laughs. When you nod, he understands more your frustration during that live. “Wow.”

“‘Zumi, I missed you.” You stand in front of him. “I was really also looking forward to that date, and I get it if you don’t want to go out so soon after everything, but can I at least sit next to you again in Bio? That asshole won’t stop trying to hit on me.”

Chuckling, he nods. “Sure, you can sit next to me again, but if you want that date, you’ll have to earn it.”

Challenging you, he takes a step closer to you, lips hovering over yours. Feeling the tension, you smile, taking a step closer as well. “Oh yeah? And how can I earn that date?”

He shrugs, pulling away and making you disappointed. “I don’t know, you’ll have to surprise me.”

You scoff as he walks ahead of you, already a good distance apart. 

— 

“I’ve been thinking about revealing my identity recently,” you start telling Akaashi. “At first, I thought I was just tired of constantly having to worry and always anxious and triple checking everything, but I think I’m ready.”

The gleam in your eyes is enough to tell Akaashi that you truly are. There’s been this air of confidence around you, more daring and your voice brightening when he listens back on your episodes. It wasn’t just you getting lost in the topic, it was trust in yourself. Nonetheless, Akaashi still worries. With anonymity, while it doesn’t get rid of all the negative comments, it does shield you from the worse. The moment you reveal more about yourself, the less privacy you’ll have. It will open you up to more criticism that isn’t just about your content anymore. There will be shallow people who will comment about every little thing about you. While social media can be an escape, sometimes you need to escape social media.

Will you be able to handle it all?

“Are you sure you’re ready?” Akaashi voices his concern. He thinks about everything that happened with Iwaizumi. What if you didn’t know who the caller was? He’s seen you in instances reading hate comments and you handled it better, knowing that you can’t please all of your listeners. However, it’s a heavy toll to bear. He doesn’t want you to fall from the soaring heights that you can reach from the pummeling negativity. “Are you sure that it’s truly what you want?”

You nod, confidently. There’s no hesitation. “I want to build deeper connections with my listeners,” you say. “I want to make them feel as if I’m that friend that they can go to when they’re in need of help. I want to be that friend that helps them through their struggles and congratulate them on their wins.

“I feel as though with my identity hidden that they’re not getting that feeling,” you explain. “Plus, I have a lot of ideas and things that I want to try out and with a camera on me, it will help me envision it all.”

Akaashi smiles. Going through your statistics, you’ve grown to twenty thousand listeners and your Twitter account follows suit. If you keep going, he knows that you can possibly make a living out of this. “Then go for it.”

You never expected this. Akaashi would always point out the wrong, not in a pessimistic way to get you to back out of your silly little schemes. In a way to point out the consequences and make you realize if you truly want whatever impulsive and sudden idea you have. You need it—needed it. “What? Really?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “You seem certain, so why not? If it’s really what you want, then I fully support you.”

You don’t know why, but you start tearing up. Pulling Akaashi into a hug, you let out the breath you were holding in. “Thank you for everything, Akaashi,” you sigh. “I couldn’t have done this without you.”

half-empty, half-full: meet the creator.

You’ve done so many takes. Starting and stopping the recording ample of times, constantly giving up, and having short fits to yourself. Instead of the dingy sweats and hideous lounge-wear you wore when doing your podcast, you wore a cute little summer dress and did your hair. You were not going to look unpresentable in your first YouTube video.

“Oh my gosh!” Angry with yourself, you take in a deep breath and let it out. Repeating the action a couple of more times, you start the camera one more time. 

“Hello,” you say, only to be greeted with an awkward silence. You feel a bit crazy, talking to a camera. However, you have to remind yourself that this is no different than doing podcasts. You remind yourself not to make it awkward. Talk as if you’re with your friends, ___. You’ll be fine. “A lot of you may know me as Sunny. I’m the creator of Half-Empty, Half-Full. You might not recognize my voice since I usually have a voice cover-up to mask it, except for that one episode… Yeah, not my best moment.”

Chuckling to yourself, you relax your shoulders. “I planned out this video exactly how I wanted it to go, but I feel as though nothing is going quite in my favor. I just feel all over the place. I’m sorry you guys, I’m just so nervous! But, I think the best way to start is to explain why I started my podcast—”

After a week of posting your first video, it started blowing up. With over a hundred thousand views, everything started receiving more attention than you expected. You thought the anonymity was what gave you the attraction from before, but it seems as though revealing your identity was working in your favor as well. Even more so than before.

However, it was weird when those around you came up to you and thanked you. You never thought of what you were doing to be extraordinary or amazing. People started looking at you in a different light and even the professors. They would tell you what you were doing was great, advising to make something bigger out of it seeing how social media influencers were starting to climb. “Use it to your advantage and make a profit out of it,” they said. Yes, that sounds amazing. However, you only hope that you’ll continue to love it and won’t let the pressures of those hiding behind screens affect you negatively. 

Iwaizumi wanted to take you out tonight. He refused to tell you where, though. Excited, you spent the entire day thinking about it and planning. He said to dress in something comfortable and to wear a bathing suit underneath. You started fretting about your outfit, not wanting to wear jeans because they felt too basic and as if you didn’t try. You didn’t want to wear a dress because it felt like too much. Sweats were definitely out of the question.

You ended up choosing a cute jumpsuit that you never wore yet. It was cute and simple. Getting dressed, Iwa said that it was going to be a long drive down. You couldn’t think of anywhere that he could possibly take you that would have him pick you up earlier than anticipated.

However, the hour and half you’ve been in the car is enough to realize and grow in discomfort and anxiety to get out of the vehicle. He’s so focused on the road that he’s barely made conversation with you. While you don’t mind it, the silence is killing you as you reach to turn on the radio. Your shift is what momentarily takes his eyes off the road as he realizes that you must be bored.

“Sorry,” he apologizes. “I didn’t mean to make it so boring.”

“Don’t apologize.” You’re trying to find a nice radio station to listen to. “You look really… cute when you’re concentrating.”

His cheeks heat up the slightest and he can’t find a way to respond to that. “Thank you…”

“I made it weird, didn’t I?” 

“Yeah,” he nods. “Really, cute? You couldn’t think of anything better?”

You giggle. “What else could I have said?”

“I don’t know? Handsome, maybe?”

“Cute was the first thing that came to mind!” you blurt. “Cut me some slack!”

The two of you had stopped outside of a gas station to fill up the tank and a few canisters that Iwaizumi had in the trunk, he didn’t want to have to stop again. On the way, he bought you both a couple of snacks even though there wasn’t that much to go. “Don’t fill your stomach up with that too much. I’m gonna pick us up something to eat before we actually get to our destination.”

“How far left do we have to go anyway?” You’re getting tired of being locked up in the car, needing to get out of the car. 

“Oh, not that long,” he shrugs, looking at the time. “Only fifteen to twenty more minutes left.”

That’s not too bad, you figure as Iwaizumi pulls out of the gas station. After picking up the food, he’s paying closer attention now as he constantly takes quick glances over. “I saw your first YouTube video. I’m happy for you, ___.”

“Thanks, ‘Zumi,” you smile. “I never thought that it would get so much attention. I thought it would only grow to like a hundred subscribers and a few listeners, nothing big. It’s crazy now because my professors are telling me that I need to make a living off of it and classmates are telling me how much they love my podcast.”

“They’re right, you know,” Iwaizumi says. “You never know when another great opportunity hits. Keep creating, branch out, and make money off of it. This is what you always wanted. You want to help and reach people. This is your way.”

“I know, but—”

“No buts, ___,” Iwaizumi cuts you off. “Take this opportunity. This is the universe speaking to you and giving you everything you need. Don’t deny their offer because they might not give it to you again.”

Iwaizumi left you speechless. Not knowing what to say, you lean back into your seat. At your silence, Iwaizumi assumes that he’s said something wrong. “Hey, are you okay? Was I too hard on you? I just meant—”

“It’s fine, I just—” You smile. “You told me that the universe was speaking to me instead of telling me it was all my hard work. Look—” Nudging him the slightest, you’re grinning like a proud fool “—I’m rubbing off on you.”

“Shut up before I take back what I said,” he rolls his eyes. You giggle as you push him no further. Iwaizumi looks over at you once more before making a turn and smiling at himself. Yes, you are rubbing off on him. You make him feel like a better version of himself. 

Pulling up, you realize that you’re no longer driving on a paved road, but on a dirt path. Iwaizumi doesn’t park too far from where you guys entered, but looking ahead, you’re kind of spooked. While the sun isn’t completely gone yet and there’s still enough light, it’ll be going down soon and the path before you looks long. 

“You’re not planning on killing me and hiding my body out here, right?” You ask, climbing out the car. “Are you still mad at me calling you a sports-obsessed freak?”

He snorts. “No. Don’t be afraid. It’s not that far of a walk. I think you’ll love where I’m taking you.”

Unpacking the back of the car, Iwaizumi does most of the carrying as you handle a few of the bags and the food. You follow slowly behind him as he leads you to the sound of a waterfall. You can hear it before you can see it, but when you finally do, the view is breath-taking.

“Oh my gosh,” you whisper as you look at it all. Surrounded by green and blue, the waterfall is breath-taking. The water is clear as you can see little fish swimming around inside as it already puts you at ease. “Iwa, how’d you find this place.”

“My parents brought me here when I was younger and I fell in love with the place,” he tells you. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

However, he’s not looking at the view anymore. Instead, he’s looking right at you. So enamoured by the scene, you nod. Kicking off your shoes, you pull off the sleeve of your jumpsuit. “I can get in, right?”

“Yeah, but I was hoping that we could eat first—” You cut him off with a big splash, no longer caring about anything else. Jumping in, you’re greeted to the icy cold water. Screeching, you cry out. 

“Cold!” you cry. “It’s so cold!”

Iwaizumi laughs at your reaction, setting down the stuff. “If you waited, I would’ve told you that.”

“Stop making fun of me and come in!” You splash the water towards him as you grow accustomed to the cold temperature. Jumping away from your erratic splashing, he gives in as he removes his shirt and the loose fitted pants to reveal his swimming trunks that he wore underneath. The sight of his bare chest is astounding. You always knew that he was well carved by the gods himself. However, seeing it for yourself? It sparks butterflies in your stomach. 

The giant splash catches you by surprise as you flinch when water covers your face. Screaming, your eyes squint and you back away. Iwaizumi's booming laugh greets you as he swims over to you. "You should've stopped staring so hard and you'd have known."

Pouting as he swims closer, you splash him back. "Stop teasing me!"

"I'm not teasing you," he says, trying to get closer but you only swim away. With a game of cat and mouse, you make it a game for Iwaizumi to catch you. It doesn't take long, though as he has you in his hold in a matter of a minute. You're a laughing mess until you realize how close you two really are and how intensely he's looking in your eyes. You're just a few breaths away from kissing.

"You're really beautiful, you know that, right?" Iwaizumi breathes, pushing out your hair from your face. "I've liked you for so long."

Looking back into his eyes, you pant with the same heaviness as him. "I'm sorry for being so stupid and pushing us apart. This could've all happened sooner if I hadn't—"

"Hey, there's no need for any more apologies," he hushes you. "I already forgave you."

"But—"

"But nothing," he touches your lip, leaning closer. "We're here now, and we're together. I'm happy that I can get to call you my girlfriend… if you accept my offer. No, my proposal. What—No, I mean—"

Giggling, it's your turn to hush him. "Yes, I'll be your girlfriend, 'Zumi."

Smiling brightly, he pulls you in for a kiss. His lips are warm and soft. They give you comfort as he holds onto you, bodies floating in the water. Despite the cold water trying to reel you in, Iwaizumi is the warmth you need to keep afloat and keep you from constantly shivering. 

He treats you with such gentleness, caressing your face softly and holding as if you're fragile and could easily break. He doesn't want to pull away, but not wanting either of you to suffocate, he pulls away before planting a gentle peck on your lips.

"Come on, let's go and eat," he says and guides you out of the water. 

—

sunny vlogs: the last day of sophomore year

"Hey guys," you speak to the camera. "This is the last day of sophomore year for us in college and I wanted to document this and pretty much give you guys a look in my life. I think this will be my little treat to you guys because I will not be doing this too often. Only on special occasions."

Checking the time, you grab the camera and the rest of your belongings. You struggle to make it down the stairs with the amount of things you're carrying. However, you manage to make it down safely with everything in one piece. "I had made plans for my friends and I to all go out to the beach. My boyfriend should be picking me up in a few, so we're going to be waiting for him out here."

When Iwaizumi finally arrives, you try to maneuver everything into his trunk. Parking his car and jumping out, Iwaizumi grumbles as he goes to help you out. "I told you to wait for me and I'll help you with all the stuff."

"I didn't want you to make that trip back down," you try to reason with him, letting him take the stuff from you. Pointing the camera at him, you smile at him mischievously. He had finally agreed to be on camera for only one vlog and you were super happy about it. "Everyone meet my super strong, sports-obsessed hunk of a boyfriend. Isn't he cute? 'Zumi say hi to the camera."

He ignores the camera instead, turning his back as he loads the trunk. Frowning as you watch him load the rest of the stuff, you climb into the front passenger's side. Positioning the camera, you have it frame the both of you. "It's really convenient that none of us have exams today. It's luck actually because usually it's always one of us that can't make it."

"Yeah," Iwaizumi agrees. "One of my professors was this close to assigning us something. We could all leave afterwards, but we convinced her not to do anything."

"Everything really worked in our favor," you say. The rest of the drive is uneventful as Iwaizumi only stops to buy a few bags of ice because Yamaguchi forgot to. You started to play music to kill the silence, where Iwa preferred riding quietly. 

When you both finally arrived, you hopped out the car to stretch. You always hated car rides. They always made you feel so antsy and uncomfortable. Almost forgetting your camera, you grab it from the dashboard and record the view. "It's so pretty out, guys."

Yamaguchi and the rest had arrived before you all. With Yachi in tow, she helped carry the bags as Akaashi and Nate carried the heavy cooler. You helped Iwaizumi with the rest despite his refusal of your help. The beach was slightly busy today, but you all found a quiet spot where no one seemed to want. Spreading the blankets down, you all felt relaxed. Grabbing the camera, you get a good recording of all your friends.

Introducing them all, you point the camera to yourself. "I always watched vlogs and thought they were so awkward and weird. I love them, but I was right. It feels weird recording my day. People have been staring at me like they haven't seen YouTube videos before. Or… they're fans."

"Definitely not the ladder," Iwaizumi jokes. Rolling your eyes, you nudge your boyfriend. 

"I still can't believe you guys didn't tell me," Yamaguchi pouts. "You made me say all that nice stuff about you and made me make a fool of myself."

Feigning hurt, you clench your chest. "Are you saying that my podcast is shitty?" You gasp.

"Yes!" Yamaguchi exclaims, making everyone burst into laughter. When it dies down, Yamaguchi shrugs. "I don't know. This all feels unreal. Like, I've always thought about scenarios about becoming an influencer, but now my friend's actually one. Crazy, you know?"

"Yeah," you trail off. "I never expected this."

There's all a moment of reflection before you all snap out of it. The rest of the time you spend together, you spend it in the water and frolicking around like fools. After capturing enough footage, you turn it off and enjoy these moments without a camera on you. You were supposed to turn it back on after a while, but forgetting about it, it's best that you seize the moment anyway.

When your stay is over and the beach becomes a little too boring for you all, you all depart ways. Iwaizumi drops you off in front of your dorm building, helping you back upstairs. He decides to stay for the rest of the time, both of you basking in each other's company as you lay in his hold. Arms around you, he holds you as your eyes are glued to the laptop screen. Watching movies all night, Iwaizumi is the first to fall asleep and then you. 

Shortly dozing off to sleep, it's interrupted by the shut of the door and the absence of Iwaizumi's arms around you. Pouting just the slightest, you kick off the blanket he had thrown over you. He had shut your laptop for you and tidied your room as much as he could. Smiling, you can't imagine having a better boyfriend than him. 

Switching on the table lamp next to you, you reach for the bag you had packed for the beach and your camera peaks out. "Shit," you curse, taking it out.

There was plenty that you could've gotten recorded, but unfortunately missed the opportunity on. You decided not to dwell on it so much. You enjoyed your time with your friends and you loved it. However, you didn't want to leave with such a choppy and shitty ending. Though you couldn't figure how this could be any better.

Turning back on the camera, you go around to your desk and start recording once more. "Hi guys," you yawn. "I'm so sorry, but I had stopped recording after a while. I wanted to enjoy my time with my friends without the camera being on me all the time and it seems like I lost track of time and forgot.

"I wanted to just take this time and thank you all again," you laugh. "I know that I thank you guys a lot. I seem to do that more than apologizing profusely. I don't know which one is worse, but really… I've been thinking about how I got here and how starting this podcast really changed my course in time and I'm extremely grateful before you all.

"If it wasn't for Akaashi I wouldn't have mustered up the courage to even start this," you sigh. "If it weren't for my boyfriend, I think a lot of things wouldn't have happened. Did I tell you guys that story? I didn't, did I?"

Going on and on, you finally come to an end with your blog. "Anyways, thanks for tuning in to Sunny Vlogs, where we get a little peek into my real life. Have a good night or day, wherever you guys are. I love you all. Goodbye."

And with that, the viewers are greeted with darkness and the replay button. 

Do you want to watch it again?

THE END.