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“God, I love traumatizing children,” he thought to himself, whilst shitting out palismen. The object he had the pleasure of sitting (shitting) on was made of wood, bones, masks, and blood; his mindscape’s toilet. He was a big boy now. So, he got up and pulled up his big boy pants and walked away from the caca dripping down the side of the crime scene.
“Where the fuck are we?” Caleb #162836 (aka Hunter) screamed.
“IKEA.” Lose answered, shitting out words from her mouth. How elegant.
“What’s an IKEA?”
“Your mom.”
“SHE’S DEAD.”
“Omg wish I was her right now!”
Same!!!! Then he decided to make his grand entrance. He strutted out of his piss corner toilet thing revealing himself in all his glory. Despite the loud echoes his heels made on the floor, Caleb #162836 and Lose didn’t notice him whatsoever.
Fucking scrimpledinks , he thought to himself, britishly. THIS was an opportunity. Too bad he didn't feel like taking it lol. Jk bitches of course he would, because he’s Daddy Belos (as the people refer to him as).
And with that, he did what any normal, mentally stable, sane, energized, clean, average, no criminal record, sober, person would do. He took out this little funny thing that he got from the Ohio gift shop and snorted it. Zesty. Immediately, his bones contracted and he felt almost all the years of his life disappearing as he went through reverse puberty. Ow. fuck. Bitch. Ow. fuck, CALEB BEFGENREHHRR (synonymous to ‘bitch’) . Magically (with the power of drugs), he was a little lad ready to go do sickly orphan shit on the street.
“YOUR NOSE LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING RUBIX CUBE!” Lose screamed at Caleb #162836 from afar
“WELL FUCK YOU! YOU LOS POLLOS Y MANZANA LOOKING ASS” said Caleb grimwalker retorted. How tf did Hunter start speaking some shitty witch language???? ( Philip is a fucking idiot and doesn’t know that languages outside of british english land exist.)
“I just shit everywhere.” he spoke.
That was him. Yeah. Him. In the flesh. Well. No. The mindscape. But like. Ok this is dragging out too long.
Hunter looked absolutely disgusted by Philips presence. “Who tf are you, you little cornstock looking mf.”
“Excuse me, that's really offensive to my whole family line and all of my dead relatives.” Philip choked (yeah), tears starting to piss out of his eyeballs.
“Hunter, stop bullying him!” Lose cried out, kneeling down to his level. “… or they? What are your pronouns, bestie?”
“Boy” Philip answered.
“Oh- o-o-o-o-o–oo-o-ooo-o–o-oo-o-o–o-o-o-ok.”
Caleb #162836 pushed Lose out of the way so he could stare kid belos inner philip whatever down, so he could look intimidating (He actually looked like a wet kitten who choked on bricks only moments ago). “What the fuck did you do wrong to end up in Belos’ mindscape?”
“No.” he said, shittily.
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN NO?!??” Hunter got up in his face, pointing up the funny finger. Philip thought he was gonna shove it up his nose. But it was ok because he had a mask (with a smile that he wore for hours at a time)
“I MEAN NO, LOOK BEHIND YOU, GOLDIE BITCH.”
“OH SHIT.”
A huge, shit pile of shit (dyed green for zestiness) emerged behind the group.
“No way, it’s the boogie man guys!” Lose said, as the shit shadow clawed at britishshitbiscuit74. Instead, it ended up literally fucking up the whole mindscape and ripping a hole in the wall. Listen, this place was budgeted. Due to Newton’s Laws of Motion, they fucking plumeted
They screamed, their vocal cords being torn apart as their bodies ripped through the air.
Philip felt his bones shattering from the impact. “OW! FUCK, BITCH!!!” They were now in the really scary part of his mindscape and there were a bunch of golden guard masks and bones and stuff on the floor.
“Wow,” Loose said. “That felt like when my mom dropped me on my head when I was a baby. Not gonna lie that hurt.”
“Of course your mom dropped you on your head-” Hunter said to Loose
“SHUT UP AT LEAST I HAD A MOM…. YOU MOTHERLESS-”
Philip felt a little poop nugget slip out.
Caleb #162836 started growling on all fours. Foam erupting from his mouth. “It’s all your fault we’re stuck here anyways.”
“Okay, well at least I have people who care about me!”
“Oh, people love you, that's nice. Who needs people who love and appreciate you anyways?”
“Me.” Loose said, hitting up Amity.
Philip couldn’t hold it in anymore. “HOLY SHIT GUYS, I HAVE TO SHIT!” Shitting excessively was a side effect of snorting palismen crack and going through reverse puberty. Panicked, he searched for someplace he could let it all out. With no hesitation he jumped through a painting of himself, moments before Caleb found his poop sock.
It all faded into view, memory flushing back to him (like a toilet).
“Where the flippity flapjack nick nack hick hack ball sack are we?!?” Caleb #162836 asked, because he and Loose had the audacity to follow him into this haunting memory.
“JUST WAIT HERE.” He instructed, rummaging through shit to find the poop sock. The stakes were high, and they were only getting higher by the second.
Right on time, memory Caleb walked into the room. Hunter kinda just stood there in shock. Philip was excited to ruin his goofy grimwalker life later. BUt that would have to wait, cuz he was about to shit his fucking pantaloons.
“PHILIP, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!?” Caleb shouted, holding it up in all its shitty glory— THE POOP SOCK.
“STFU BITCH AND GIVE ME THAT.” Philip roared, snatching it from Caleb’s little french fry hands and shitting in it.
“...WHAT THE BLOODY HELL.” Caleb screamed, teeth literally falling out from such sheer force.
“Ok bye bitch.” And with that, he handed the sock back to him and scurried out of the memory like a beached dolphin high on C6 H12 O6.
They flew out of the memory. Philip had lost his old poop sock for good, HUnter had gained an existential crisis, and Loose had gained alot of questions.
“YOU’RE PHILIP????????” Loose asked, or demanded? He couldn’t tell anymore.
“Maybe. Idk homie.” Answered Philip, truthfully.
Hunter let his inner alpha (beta) male out “LISTEN HERE, SHIT BOY. I WANT SOME ANSWERS OUT OF YOU, BITCH.”
“Ok sucks for you because you’re not getting them lol.”
Hunter got so mad he grabbed Philip by the collar of his shirt and started swinging him around. Kinda reminded him of what his father used to do before he DIED. Ah, the nostalgia. Philip felt like a fish. Dying. Ow. FUCK. BALLS. He bit Caleb #162836 (somehow through his mask), causing him to drop him on the fucking floor.
The impact (not genshin) felt like shit. It caused more shit to come out even though he just shit two seconds ago. His bones snapped and his organs were rearanged. His large intestine was now replaced with his esophagus. Zesty. It felt like Among Us.
Loose was being a queen (bitch) and was watching this whole scene from 2 feet away “Well that was traumatizing!” Loose said, concerningly enthusiastically.
“I can excuse child abuse.” Hunter said. “But I draw the line at homophobia.”
Silence.
“Slash jay.” He added.
“What the actual fuck Hunter?!?!” Loose screamed.
Hunter was heavily breathing. “Wenomechaensumer” He hitched. Then he fell to the ground, clutching his chest.
“HUNTER ARE YOU DYING?” Loose cried out, ignoring Philip’s child (not dead) corpse nearby.
“CALL AN AMBULANCE! CALL AN AMBULANCE!” Philshit shouted at her.
“OK!” (There’s no wifi here, she’s a fucking idiot)
“BUT NOT FOR ME!” Should he go through puberty again here? Or wait?
The threat flew over Loose’s head. “Yeah, we’re calling one for Hunter, duh.”
Philip couldn’t let hunter die yet , he still hadn’t gotten the chance to tell him that his life was a lie and that he was the 162836th clone of his DEAD brother, Caleb.
Loose threw her cat phone thing on the ground out of pure rage. “Shit, there's no wifi here.”
“COME WITH ME BITCHES, I’LL GET YOU THE WIFI PASSWORD!” He scanned the area for painting memory things. He found one and jumped into it. Loose came with him, but they left hunter on the ground cause he was fucking dying. (Maybe? He honestly had no idea wtf happened to him)
They entered the memory. They were in the throne room omg. Etched into the back of his throne…yes…there it was. “Look, it's the WiFi password! Ok so it’s eye-m-a-p-ness”
Loose squinted at it. “I am… a penis? HOLY SHIT, AM I?????” God, he loved giving children existential crises.
Philip giggled. Woah there, almost pissed.
“I’m very disappointed in you, bitch.”
That voice was familiar. OH . It was him omg but memory him. He looked super hot, too. Love yourself, bitches.
“I’m sorry….Emperor Bitchlos.” Memory Caleb #162836 cried, kneeling down before Philip’s smoking hot body that towered over him.
“Bro stfu and look at me.”
Memory Hunter looked up, fear bulging in his eyes. “I’M SORRY… YOU MOTHERFUCKING BITCH.”
“Damn.” He had said. Then he sat on his throne. “Ok could you pls get me the good shit.”
“Of course, of course.” Hunter ran out of the room.
Loose looked at Philip and said, “This guy needs to bffr.”
“I know right.” He responded, but was actually really offended. She would pay for this in about half an hour when he went through puberty again and did funny things.
Memory hunter came back holding a bunch of dead palismen. “Ok here.” He shoved it into his memory self’s face.
Philip quickly jumped onto his memory self’s lap zestily, and grabbed all the palismen from memory Hunter. Then he grabbed Luz and they jumped out of the memory.
Hunter was still dying. Maybe dead if they were lucky. Wtf. Ok anyways. The two of them approached Hunter’s body. He was squirming around and saying stupid stuff in his sleeping state. “Bitches, witches, balls.”
“Wait, I just realized something.” Luz told him. “We went there for nothing… you can’t put a wifi password into a walkie-talkie thingy!”
“It’s ok Loose,” He reassured her. “I have something that will actually help him. And it’s better than what any old ambulance could do.” He pulled up his shitty orphan sleeves, and prepared. He shoved the palismen crack onto hunter’s goofy ah face to begin the healing process.
“WTF???” Loose said, watching this all go down.
He then started chanting some shit that went like “nick nack ball sack” Green goop flowed out of hunter’s nose and mouth like boogers (redacted). Then there was a giant explosion of goop, like a shockwave, and Pip and Loose got flung a bunch of feet away.
Hunter shot up from his former dying position gasping for carbon dioxide. Omg so cute it reminded him of when Caleb did the same thing after he fucking stabbed him.
“Hunter are you ok??” Loose asked and ran towards him.
“Ew i’m not dead.” Hunter said to no one in particular.
Philip started doing a british dance. “Sucks to suck L+Bozo+Balls+ratio+blonde+fortnite+grimwalker+oh shit i wasn’t supposed to say that yet=fratricide”
“Shut the fuck up.” Hunter told him.
“ok.”
“Thanks”
Loose did a somersault out of nowhere. “Uh, what do we even do to get out of Belos’ mind? It fucking sucks here.
“Fr.” Philip said.
“It’s so boring here.” Hunter added, even though he just like pretty much died and then got resurrected by palismen two seconds ago..
“Oh hey guys I can do some silly shit watch.” Philip said.
IT WAS TIME. I think. YUH
And with that, he shit backwards and went through puberty. It hurt like FUCKING among us. Ow. His balls ached. Acne was all over his skin. He started voice cracking and he started sweating excessively. Puberty fucking sucks. Then, his femur grew an extra 10 inches. His bones grew and he was about to shit backwards. (Shitting backwards was side effect was a side effect of going through puberty)
“EW IT’S EMPEROR BITCHLOS! I thought you died.” Lose screamed
“Man, wish I did.” He replied.
Hunter looked really really really really really really really really really sad. “He looks more ugly than i remember.”
Philip was entering his slay era taylor swift style “Oh speaking of ugly. Uhm you’re nothing but a trashy hoe (vine boom) and uh you’re a you're a uh uh uh uh.” He forgor the script. “You’re like my brother but not but minecraft sheep clone what yeah.”
“...What the fuck just came out of your mouth.”
“The truth.” He said, with a quirky little girlypop hair flip
Loose walked over to him and kicked him where the sun don’t shine. Lucky for him his balls fell off 50 years ago so it didn’t hurt at all. (That was a lie, it actually fell off like 20 minutes ago when hunter started abusing him puritan style)
“YOU’VE GOT NO BALLS MISTER!”
“Yeah, I don’t. They fell off.”
“What.”
“What was I doing again…OH YEAH! Your mom.”
“WHAT.”
“That’s what she said when she saw how big my-”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Caleb #162836 screamed.
He then had to get into a goofy position for the epic ultra rare thing he was about to do “Dying spell!” Philshit 2.0 shouted, then he slammed a funny glyph onto hunter’s big ass forehead, causing Hunter to shockingly die. He just like stopped breathing and died.
Loose looked up at him, despair evident in her eyes. He wanted to snap her in half and have hunter use her as crutches bc he was not going to be physically stable after this one. “DID YOU JUST FUCKING KILL HIM????”
“It’s ok, I’ll just pre-order a new one.”
“Huh??”
“Ok anyways Loose, you were actually one of my top listeners on spotify” (she was the only one) “and you supported my hit single CBAT.” And with that he transformed into his beard era. He had a galaxy hoodie on; it was him at the peak of his music career.
Loose was trembling. “P-Philip…. I swear it was just to make fun of it with my imaginary friends!!!
“Stop lying, bitch. I know you liked it”
“NO I DIDN’T! IT FUCKING SUCKS AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO CLAW MY SKIN OF WITH MY NAILS.
Ouch. Anyways. “You also watched my youtube channel.”
“Holyshitholyshitholyshitholyshitholyshit” Loose was now curled up in a fatal position. God, traumatizing children was so unreasonably fun. “Phil…. OH MY GOD, HOLY SHIT, THERE’S A WITCH OVER THERE.”
“Witch? Where? I need to kill it.” His head did a full 180 like an owl to catch a glimpse of the witch.
THAT MOTHERFUCKING BITCH WITCH SHIT HIT BIT PISS ASSHOLE LIED TO HIS FACE. THERE WAS NO WITCH. When he turned back, Loose was giving Hunter CPR.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?”
Luz slapped a big goofy ahhhh glyph onto Hunter’s giniminasaurus ass forehead. Hunter then started meowing and like lived again but cat…boy.
“NOOOOOO!” Philpiss shouted, bones unanchoring and tumbling outside of his flesh.
“Ok bye bitch.” Lose said, doing some magic shit and somehow getting them out of his fucking mindscape.
Well that was it. Philip had literally learned nothing, except how much he hated living.