Chapter Text
it's like a loop.
Every morning was the same..taking into account that my life as a high school student was not good..i didn't even have friends that i could trust, since people hated me because of my tastes and the way i am..
People said that I drew a lot of attention, even when i didn't want to, for them I was very feminine, or very familiar with women's issues, women criticized me and men hated me because I looked like one.
so I tried to look more like one, although my body didn't have much stamina or resistance, I tried to play sports or even make my uniform more masculine, the school jacket made me look stronger and firm but for them I still had woman's body and nothing could change it..
It was never going to be enough for them to criticize me, and I ended up understanding that the hard way, although I did my best to be more masculine. I still felt that it was not something I wanted, the body I was in hurted so mych, And that my classmates hated it too, made me feel so bad and ugly..
I ended up isolating myself from my classmates, from the classes and from myself, as the classes were mandatory, I only attended some of them, which I endured and ended up on the roof at the end of classes... reflecting on everything or even studying.
it was lonely. I admit it. It took a long time just to be there, and the loneliness made me think more about myself. in my body and how i hated it so much to the point it hurted.
"I am a coward..I have the exit to this hell in front of me but I just see it. I wish I could have the courage to jump." my hands were on the bars of the roof, while I looked at it with contempt.
my pupils were filled with tears, or with my body trembled with those words, I couldn't even have a normal day without having those thoughts of wanting to disappear...
And even with that, everything was the same. me in my loneliness having a hard time while my classmates make fun of me and leave me alone, it was like a loop, so much so that it drove me crazy.
Until that day I opened the door to the roof, and there was someone else there... like a cat, my back bristled and my guard rose when I saw him. I didn't need more people like that or him! I wanted to be alone. And it was until he smiled at me with a small and cat-like smile. and he showed me what he was, that purple-haired man with blue streaks made me lower my guard in a few moments, i could see his cat-like attitude getting out of his body. Talking to me like he already knows me.
It made me feel strange, how he could talk so much about his inventions or plans for the future, when the only thing I planned was to disappear. we didn't have much in common, apparently, and even his voice was irritating. The only thing i wanted was to cover my ears and throw myself off the roof..
but the more time passed, the more I noticed something, he was a weirdo. a stranger who had also been excluded by his interests and by his extreme preferences.
He was already talking about the works he loved, about what he wanted and sometimes included me in the conversation, taking into account as if I could be one of his colleagues in the work.
I didn't understand why was he so confident, and why with me..? Why didn't he treat me like other people? Or was it that maybe he didn't know about me?
I thought and overthought. but it couldn't be, he already knew my name and grade when we met, and he even seemed to be a stalker knowing so much about me and my life, but he wasn't, maybe he had investigated me to be my friend...?
but I didn't want friends, I didn't need them when I had spent the entire semester alone and I had survived, I hadn't ended my life and I hadn't made a scandal like that. It was a simple mistake in the lives of those I ran into...that's why people forgot me or didn't notice my presence.
but it wasn't just that, when people noticed me, it was in a bad way and those who didn't notice me ignored me... that's why I was so intrigued by that disheveled cat who was now creating some invention on the roof next to me. and talked about his inventions or his damn creativity.
On the other day, I again went up to the rooftop. The boy was here again, which wasn't a surprise at this point.
I've got a question in my head, which I've already had before. Why does he talk with me, after all? He must have heard all the rumors going around me in the school. There's no way he hasn't.
So I got beside him, as usual. He told me about one of his new robots. I paid attention to him. He was always really happy when he could talk about this topic.
Once he finished his monologue, I looked up at the sky. What does he want from me? He doesn't seemed like the type who will randomly stab you in the back if you told him a secret. But this secret would effect our..friendship? too.
And I still wasn't sure. I didn't know when I will get to a relationship with him where I can trust him to the point where I feel ready to tell him about it.
Also, we were literally just partners in solitude. He didn't seem like to have friends, neither did I.
I caught myself get really lost in my thoughts, so I snapped back to reality, to him, and his weird robots. Again.
"Is there something wrong, Mizuki-kun? You don't seem to paying attention to me. Are you okay?" He asked me, with worry on his face.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm totally fine. Nothing's wrong" I told him, but that was not true at all, Was it sad that i always left in the middle of his conversation..? I even thought that time and the fact that he spoke would help me a little, but that was not true at all, my thoughts returned after a while and I ended up hating myself..
"Actually..kamishiro-senpai.. im not that okay, i'll tell you..i really hate everyone here.."
"Even me?!" his cat eyes brought out fake crocodile tears, and the actor started acting again, it was irritable.. he put his hand on his chest and started pressing there, while his other hand went to his face, he was joking, as always.
Even his damn robot imitated him... something that made me laugh a little... but I quickly returned to my serious face.
"Well..if you keep Being like that maybe i will hate you." I crossed my arms and looked at another with a small blush, which I didn't notice, I just felt my hot face. his cat-face had returned, he approached me and patted me on the back..
"So I'll be another type of actor... take your pick! I can be the romeo with a heart of gold, or the heartbreak boy! or the thief with bad intentions!" and there he was again, his face had lit up, acting as various people, the oldest got up and began to recite various masterpieces of which i had never heard.
my face was now redder, I hadn't even asked him to change and he already wanted to, I made a small pout with my mouth, and then released a long sigh "kamishiro-senpai..you are such an actor..i prefer that versión of you..got me?"
I looked at him frankly, while he listened to me with good intentions, he approached me and ended up looking into my eyes.
"Then. Mizuki-kun can revel his true version too~" He spoke, while staring at me... my true version? What was weird about this version? He knew something that I didn't, because for me, there was only the boring me, my boring version and the hidden version..
"I don't have one..this is me."
"Thats not true."
(It's not..?)
My thoughts quickly invaded me...he was talking about the version of me that everyone hated?! the one that was full of color and bows, which loved dresses and fashion for the new things...?! How did he know that version?!
My tears started to come out, while my body was feeling Weaker within the seconds passed, I started to wipe my tears with my hands, but they kept coming.
I simply ran away, moving him out of my way, and running towards the exit from the roof, I ran to my house while my tears were falling more and more on the ground, I was crying so loud..i was not ready to open myself in front of someone i just met.
the real me? the boy who loved pink and loved to wear his older sister's things..even putting on her bows when she wasn't in the house...it's like he knows everything about me!
People hated me for who I was, people hated me for pretending to be a girl, and for not being fully a man, although my family might accept me, I couldn't grow up like that.
I groaned as I went to my room and snuggled into my bed, my room. Was it always this feminine? I kept observing delicately, until I saw myself in the mirror that I had.
That's when the urge to vomit returned...I wanted to be my sister, I wanted to dress like her and be a good girl, I approached my mirror, and when I saw myself, tears flowed again.
In desperation, I took a perfume, and threw it towards my mirror, breaking in the middle... when the noise of the glass falling was heard, I came to my senses
I approached my mirror. and I saw myself in several pieces of glass, while my bare feet stepped on the fallen pieces of glass, my disgusting body and I were everywhere.
I took a small sheet which I had saved, and placed it on top of my mirror, covering it completely, then I went for a broom and a dustpan, my parents and my sister would not see it, they would not see the pain that I just suffered, although my feet had scratches I wouldn't show it.
I won't show it to anyone.
Not even him.