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Jaskier was a bit of a touchy subject for you at this point. It'd been 3 months since you and Geralt found yourselves in the company again of the dastardly attractive presence of the bard and your feelings for him apparently had unfortunately NOT faded since you last saw him on that mountain top all those years ago. He had left in a huff, too emotional to explain to you why he was leaving in such a rush and before you knew it your throat had clammed up and all you had gotten out was "Jask, where ever you go just- Just let me go too-" when Geralt barked at you to gather your things. With bleary eyes, your mouth snapped shut and with no questions you packed your books and herbs away and followed in the Witcher's thundering footsteps.
Sure, a lot has changed since then like the new addition to the group (Ciri was honestly a huge blessing and you figure at this point she thinks of you the same way, lest she be stuck with the grouch that is Geralt all the time) but Jaskier... Jaskier had not. Sure he had a new hat and jacket and perhaps a few more muscles in places you were sure there weren't before- and even worse he was braver. Tougher.
The Sandpiper they had called him when you and Geralt figured out where he was being held in a shit smelling jail-cell. Someone brave and kind- someone who sought others freedoms and happiness. He had changed so much and yet so little.
He had simply grown to fill his role more perhaps. And with that came a whole new infatuation. You already loved him before for his whole self, flirtatious behaviors and all- but now? You near idolized him. But he had treated you the same, seen you the same as you were from the mountaintop.
Shy. Meek. Sometimes snarky when someone deserved a touch of your whip-like tongue, of which Jaskier had found himself at the end of (thankfully) only a few times. But in the end you were mostly the same to him. Perhaps a touch rougher from having to help teach Ciri some life lessons along your travels.
But here you all were, now in Kaer Morhen with everyone watching him sing as he danced and swirled in rhythm with a melodious love song while you hid in the shadows of the nearby hall all while Ciri and Yennifer giggled and danced together in the center of the spacious room. Not of course without a few disgruntled looks from Geralt and flirtatious ones from Yen that told you all you needed to know and that you were sleeping in the room farthest from theirs tonight.
But you couldn't help but wonder: If now that you were not in a tavern surrounded with beautiful women who were swooning over Jaskier from the moment he opened his big stupid mouth with his pretty words, would he notice your longing and flirtatious looks?
Would you even be able to muster a flirtatious look? More you think of it... What is a flirtatious look?
'Oh, bother with it all.' you thought 'I should at least try to enjoy his voice while I'm here.'
Jaskiers voice ebbed and wicked away your stress and relaxed your furrowed brows. This song was different from most of his songs, it was slower.. More longing.
"Share each day with me, each night each mornin'" Jaskier's voice rang like a bell in the hall. Ciri chimed up as she playfully clasped Yens hands in her own, "Say you love me!" Yen cackled as Ciri nodded her head towards Geralt. Yen twirled the young girl, sending sunlight blonde locks twirling as the witch sang back teasingly: "You know I do!"
Jaskier slowed the song further, sitting down on a table before finishing the last line off. "Anywhere, let me go too."
There it was, that look of longing on his face... You had to wonder what he thought of when he got like that.
"Love me, that's all I ask of you." He sighed out, strumming the last chord before a small eruption of cheers came from the miraculously tipsy Witcher's (Yen knew how to make the strong stuff).
You sighed softly, pushing off from the stone wall you had taken to leaning on to escape out onto one of the many balconies to get some fresh air. He had been working on that song for.. Well since he rejoined with your little troupe. The song itself spoke to you like any good song a bard would write would- but Jaskier's songs were always special. They occupied your mind for days after and held all the warmth of the rooms you would hear them in.
You couldn't help it, truly, as you found your throat humming the tune the bard had written, though you added your own words when you couldn't quite remember his clearly. You'd done this many a time when you first met dear Jaskier, since you heard him sing actually. The only time you knew of that he caught you singing one of his songs was when he had first rudely invited himself along you and Geralt's little hunt.
He had appeared beside you, cheery as a daisy to hear the words of his music tumble from your lips.
You had clammed up on him since, refusing to be near either men when you sang. Still, when you washed your clothes or bathed alone you would sing your heart out. Of course never loud enough to attract danger while on the road but loud enough that your voice would still be used so you didn't lose any range from misuse.
Wistfully you stared out into the mountain range of Kaer Morhen and before you knew it the words were tumbling from your lips as you thought you were completely alone and that the whistling winds would drown out any notes that may stray into the castle.
"Say you'll share with me.. One love one lifetime." You teetered on your feet.
"Lead me, save me from my solitude." You couldn't help playing with his words just a tad to fit your heart a little more.
"Say you want me with you here beside you." Your hands gripped the skirt of your coat as the wind picked up. You got a tad brave, lifting your head to the skies and letting your voice get louder.
"Anywhere you go let me go to!" You felt tears prick your eyes at words you slowly realized felt familiar on your tongue though you didn't need to change them from Jaskier's iteration. And all in one gust you felt an emotion too powerful to control take over your body as you continued to sing out-
"Jaskier! That's all I ask of-"
"Y/n?"
Gods strike you down right now, you KNOW Jaskier didn't catch you singing your heart out- let alone you belting about him into the empty skies. Your body went ridged like it turned to ice from the wind as you peeked over your shoulder to see Jaskier in all his dumb stupid glory, slack jawed and seemingly amazed at you though you seriously doubted you were doing anything more amazing than being still as a statue as his gaze lingered on you.
Well to be honest, his gaze had caught you FAR before this but he dare not mention that fact now.
There it was again though- that squeezing in your throat as you tried to speak and all that ended up coming out this time was a squeak before you dashed off in embarrassment into the castles doors and down the halls. Perhaps if you hid in your room long enough he'd simply forget the whole ordeal and forget you and forget about it. That is if you could reach your room because now he was running after you!
Your feet picked up the pace, you prayed you could run faster than his stupidly long legs could carry him but apparently he was also faster at running now than ever before because as your hands caught the handle that would lead to your hiding spot for the next many many hours, a strong hand grabbed your elbow and pulled you back into gentle hands that clutched at your arms desperately.
Your eyes now had shut tight in hopes that maybe you could simply sink into the ground if you tried hard enough.
"Y/n!" Jaskier shook you gently. "Y/n you never told me you could sing like that, I mean I had heard you sing plenty way back when-" He had said it so offhandedly but it felt like a shot in the gut and a small embarrassed rage bubbled into your face as your eyes nearly bulged from your sockets as you gawked at him.
"What do you mean 'Way back when'?! I only sang in solitude and when- Jaskier I was naked some of those times!" You blubbered, face burning more by the second as you realized he had been snooping and spying on you all that time! Jaskier did seem a bit caught off guard with that one as he struggled to recollect himself.
"W-well I never peeked if that's what you're worried about. Though I do admit a few times it was more than tempting too!" You both looked at each other in silence after that comment but, smooth as ever, Jaskier pulled it back together.
"Back to the matter at hand: You can sing?! Like truly sing and belt out melodies and-" "No, I cannot!" You bit back scornfully, shaking from his grip and reaching for your door again.
"But you can!" Jaskier pleaded. "Please just- just let me hear you sing my song one more time! It can even be another one- any one you like-"
"Let you 'hear me sing'?" You snapped your head around. Oh now he'd done it.
"Hear me sing? You want to hear me sing but can't even hear me when I asked to go with you down that stupid mountain?!" Your anger roared so much you began to shake in your boots as you faced him with an accusing pointed finger,
"You want to hear me sing? Go sing to that girl you left to be miserable and alone with the worlds grumpiest clot head of a man who if I even brought you up would nearly abandon me where I was standing if it meant he didn't have to think about you!" Your tears burned and your words stung even your tongue.
There it was, that piercing tongue that cut right to the bone and once again it seemed Jaskier had been the unfortunate victim of. You sucked in a breath, trying to comprehend the damage you must have just done to your relationship before turning to slip into your room once again.
But once again- his hand caught your arm to prevent your escape into misery.
And Gods help you when you looked into his eyes you could only imagine a fraction of the pain he must've been feeling then. So pitiful and watery.
"I know." He whispered out. "I wish I- I wish I had." His hair hung into his face a bit now as he slouched to be eye level with you. "-Sung to you then, I mean. I wish I had turned around and-and grabbed your hand and took you with me I just-" "Just what." You spit at him, though regretfully as he seemed truly hurt by your interruption then.
"I wish I had been braver then." He trembled as he held onto you, almost like if he let you go he would crumble into pieces like the rubble of the castle. "And your words haunted- no.. Haunt me still."
Oh, how could you be so stupid. Of course he heard you. Of course he did- and of course that's why you felt like you'd heard those words before. After all, you had spoken them yourself! You felt your throat clench again and suddenly it all clicked into place. He hadn't gone off with any of the girls at the taverns he'd play at since he'd gotten back to you and Geralt's sides like he used too do. He left you on that mountain knowing how much you liked him and came back determined to stay with you instead. And though he wasn't brave then: he was brave now- brave enough to chase after you this time when he could have run away.
Trembling, you lifted your hands to Jaskier's as he slowly released his gentle grip on your arm as he stared at you with those pleading blue-bell eyes, a look that sunk your gut into your feet. He looked like a kicked puppy. So, steeling your resolve and pushing down any embarassment you might have left in you, you began to sing in a tiny voice but it was clearer than a chime. The tune and words not too far off from the one he was singing earlier:
"Say you love me every waking moment. Turn my head with talk of summertime." Your lip trembled something fierce but your voice raised just above a whisper as you brought his warm palm to your still tingling cold cheek.
"Say you need me with you now and always. Promise me that all you say is true."
You swore you could see stars burst to life inside his eyes as your voice reached his ears in the seclusion of the deep and empty halls of Kaer Morhen, and in a swirling harmony you both sang with a longing sigh.
"That's all I ask of you."
His palm nearly engulfed the side of your face in a radiating warmth. One sparing glance into his eyes once more and you couldn't even stop the momentum if you wanted to- you were kissing. His lips had crashed into yours in what you can only imagine was the biggest apology he'd ever given someone. Your own met his in their own cautious way- afraid that he would snap away and be angry at you but... A quiet peace and understanding washed over you as his other hand came up as he pulled away to tuck a small strand of hair behind your ear as he looked at you with the most adoring look you think you've ever seen on his face.
He could never be angry with you, not after all this time.
"I'm sorry for- for everything." You muttered, turning your face into his palm once more.
"I'm sorry for not coming back to you sooner. But I think we could spend all night apologizing to each other at this rate so..." Jaskier pulled his hand away- though he made sure to now hold your own smaller hand tightly. "Let's simply stay together from now on. Yeah?" He mumbled as he gently bumped into you.
A little sheepish smile creeped across your face.
"...I suppose..."
Peeking down the hall you made sure no one was in ear shot before leaning back to give Jaskier a cheeky grin. "We could also ransack Yens wine supply... I know the lock code."