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The day Joyce saw Steve writing in a notebook she was curious. The day Nancy found the notebook she thought it was practical. The day Nancy saw Jonathan and informed him of the notebook, thus Jonathan finding out he thought it was a smart idea. The day Robin found the notebook, her heart broke, but she understood. Then suddenly the kids were in high school, suddenly in November Steve let people into his home he never thought he would before. The day Eddie found the little blue leather-bound notebook he didn’t know what to think. Steve had shooed Eddie over to get paper during a DnD game and he was a little curious. It wasn’t until later Eddie got to see it. The small little thing that wasn’t like a normal notebook.
The kids were asleep in various places among the floor and couches, Eddie finally was able to snag the notebook again.
“What could this be?” Eddie joked as Steve’s eyes went wide.
“Eddie, don’t.”
“What? Have I discovered the Steve Harrington’s diary?”
“No.”
“That’s it isn’t it? You keep a diary?” He laughed, running his fingers over the pages fast, too fast to see any words.
“Eddie, it’s not a diary please hand that back.”
“Make me.” Eddie winked, he finally looked at a page and paused.
“Can I just have it?” Steve asked, knowing Eddie knew his secret now.
“Lucas.” Eddie read, opening the page looking at Steve with unknowing eyes, “Favorite food: homemade waffles, not eggos, likes it more when I add the rainbow sprinkles, only the rainbow ones and I add whipped cream. He does not like that I call them unicorn waffles, always call them unicorn waffles.”
“Eddie, you wouldn’t understand.” Eddie flipped to another page.
“Robin. Favorite TV show: Carebears, doesn’t let anyone else know. She is my sunshine bear, don’t let her forget that. Steve what the hell is this?” Eddie is looking page to page.
“It’s… it’s a list of the kids and my friends and trivial things about them.”
“If I didn’t know any better I’d say this is a suicide book.” Eddie looks at the former king of Hawkins who has wet eyes as he looks at the book in Eddie’s hands, “it’s not, is it?” He asks then.
“No, it’s not. It’s so if anything happens,” his voice breaks a bit, “I wrote it two years ago, or well started it three, but Nancy’s entry is redone. A couple times actually.”
“Are you crying?” Eddie thumbs away a couple of Steve’s tears.
“It’s fine, I need to go wash my face is all.”
“Can we talk about this?”
“Nothing to talk about.” Steve got up and Eddie followed, it might not be his place, but everyone else was asleep.
“Hey, Steve it’s just concerning.” Steve gripped the sink, knuckles going white.
“You wouldn’t understand.” Steve admits to him.
“Try me.” Eddie shifts to close the door so the kids don’t hear them.
“Remember Will Byers? Barb Holloway?”
“Yeah.” Eddie whispered. Steve opened his mouth a few times, not sure what to say, how not to hurt his NDAs with the government.
“What if that happens to me? It’s a guide to keep them happy I guess?” Eddie looks at his own hands, opening the book again, noticing how many pages held Henderson’s name.
“Steve, they, I don’t think they could come back from you if you died.”
“Well, just in case.” Steve comments, trying to stay calm, when other people have found it they hadn’t made him hear it out loud, they hadn’t said the words he had written. Eddie opened up a Dustin page, sucking in a deep breath before reading.
“Dustin. When he has nightmares he likes when I sing Mockingbird, make sure I always change and mess up the lyrics. It makes him laugh some to calm down. He likes it when I rock him back and forth on my lap, he needs to be reminded everything will be okay.” Eddie has confusion on his face.
“You know, hush little baby don’t say a word, daddy's going to buy you a mocking bird. If that mocking bird don't sing.” Steve sang wetly, sitting next to the bathtub, Eddie joined him.
“I know we aren’t friends, I’m sorry I made you do this.” Eddie whispered to Steve.
“I have your name written down for Henderson.”
“What?”
“You’re meant to get Dustin’s pages, kid worships you.”
“Nah man, he worships you. He needs you.” Their knees are knocking back and forth.
“Sorry you found the book, no one has ever read pages out loud before. Seems stupid now.”
“I get being scared. I do.” Eddie nods.
“It’s more than that, it really is. I can’t explain it to you though.”
“You have one for everybody in here?” Eddie clarifies again.
“Yeah.” Eddie flips through it again, pausing.
“Erica?”
“Erica Sinclair, Lucas’ little sister.” Steve clarifies for her, still wiping his eyes.
“Remember to humble her, she almost drank that green stuff?” Steve is laughing as Eddie says it.
“Yeah, inside joke.”
“You really care about them.”
“No, that’s why they’re just laying all over my living room.” There's a knock at the door. Robin pops her head in.
“Stevie?” She asks quietly, rubbing her eyes some at the light from the bathroom.
“Yeah Rob?”
“Can we go to bed?” She asks as she stands in the doorway.
“You were passed out on the couch.” Steve smiled up at her.
“Are you crying? What’s wrong?” She sits down with Steve and Eddie, crawling towards Steve, placing all of her body weight on his chest.
“It’s okay.” Steve reassures her. She looks over to Eddie, almost questioning what was happening, she sees the blue book. Her chest tightening.
“Oh.” Is all she says, looking up at Steve.
“Yeah. Oh.” He responds to her.
“It’s my fault I wanted to mock him for it, thought it was his diary.” Eddie admits.
“No, that’s in his desk drawer upstairs.” Robin divulges as Steve rolls his eyes.
“Yeah, we can go to bed.” He answers her original question.
“You spending the night?” Robin cocks her head at Eddie.
“I mean, no.”
“Crash on the couch man, it’ll be nice to have another adult at breakfast.”
“What’s for breakfast?”
“Unicorn waffles.” Robin smiles sadly, sliding off of Steve and holding her hands out for both boys to take. They both do, and the two retreat to the upstairs as Eddie takes the couch, the soft glow of the television illuminating the room yet. At about two am Eddie watched Dustin slowly wake up and go up the steps to find Steve. He wanted to read more of the book, but just couldn’t. He couldn’t imagine these kid’s lives without Steve, the idea makes his head swirl and what could be so bad that he would prepare for his own death?