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Running into his favourite Artist in a Bookshop was something Seonghwa had always imagined as a nice way to pass Time, but he never thought that this would actually happen.
His day had started great, Seonghwa had arrived in Seoul the previous day, woke up in the comfort of a hotel room, and had decided to seek out the book shop he had always wanted to visit, before going to watch the concert of his favourite musician, for which he had come to Seoul in the first place.
Seoul was big and loud and always wide awake, and Seonghwa had taken it all in on his way to the book shop, trying to memorize the things he was not used to in the small town near Busan, where he lived.
In the book shop itself, he had been welcomed by big displays that had his own name on them, showcasing his newest novel, Solemn Silence. Seonghwa had felt proud, seeing as basically every single book shop he walked in currently had this layout, further setting his success as an author into stone. And even when the Displays were surrounded by interested people and Fans, none of them knew that the maker of their favourite Books walked by, scanning the shelves for poetry.
San, his Agent and probably only friend who knew what he did for a living, nagged Seonghwa for not wanting to show his face at any chance he could, but respected it nonetheless. He was used to push pretty people in the spotlight in order to sell their stuff, pretty successfully at that, so Seonghwa could not really blame him. San was loud and extroverted, therefore had adopted Seonghwas Introverted and quiet self pretty much as soon as they met.
Seonghwa had just paid for his newest addition to his poetry collection and had taken one of his own books in his hand to admire his own work for a second, letting the pride consume him, as he was pushed to the ground by a person smaller than him that he expected the least to see right now.
Life seems to be his bitch today, because the content of his daydreams mentioned before is the reason why he´s surrounded by his books on the floor that he lays on right now. As he looks up from the mess that used to be stacked on the table next to him, Seonghwa is faced with the man that he knows a little too well from the poster on his wall back at home: Kim Hongjoong, the Artist he looks up to so much for years, who is set to hold a concert in the evening that Seonghwa is planning to attend, stares back at him with a shocked expression on his stupidly handsome face.
Said Man seemed to come to his senses before Seonghwa did, because half a second later, apologies were coming from him, excuses, his shoelaces had undone themselves and he had tripped, he was so terribly sorry, he will watch out in the future, are you hurtohmygodiamsososorry, and Seonghwa could not help but smile.
He sat up, starting to stack the copies of his book around him, as Hongjoong in front of him still went on with his apologies.
“I´m completely fine, thank you for your concern”, Seonghwa then said, interrupting the other. “But this Display is not, as you can see, so stand up and clean up what you did”, he continued, and topped it off with a smile to not seem like he was being rude.
Hongjoong, now silent, looked a bit taken aback, but nodded. “Uh- yeah, right”, he stammered, grabbing a book.
The employees of the store appreciated the help with the clean-up, and soon, Seonghwa had fished his newly bought poetry book from under the rebuild display and now faced Hongjoong again, who held another copy of Solemn Silence in his hands.
“Did you want to get this book? I will buy it for you, I owe it to you”, the Musician said, holding out the book. The glossy red cover shimmered in the light, almost reflecting Seonghwa. He shook his head. “I already have it”, he explained.
I have this and its first three drafts and the mandatory five mental breakdowns that came with it.
“You don´t owe me anything. Put it ba-“ “No!”, Hongjoong interrupted, retreating his hand with the book, “I- I wanted to get the book for myself too, actually.” An apologetic, put pretty smile appeared on his face, and Seonghwas Brain stopped thinking properly at that, and he froze.
“Again, I am so sorry that I made you fall, I hope you are really okay”, Hongjoong added, then, genuine concern showing on his face. The Author, clearly blanked out, tried to get out of his spiralling thoughts that only consisted out of Oh my god, Hongjoong wants to get my Book, He wants to read my Book, My favourite Artist who may have inspired this Book wants to read this, Oh my god.
“Yeah, uh, I´m, uh-“, was all that came from Seonghwa, as he clutched his poetry book. “It´s ok then, see you around”, was all he could press out as he turned around, hastily leaving the store, leaving Hongjoong speechless.
Outside, Seonghwa wanted to become one with the floor, and knew that he would forever think back at this when he couldn´t fall asleep and would feel the shame wash all over him again. Great, he thought, absolutely great. An embarrassing Memory and his favourite fucking artist is in it, smiling at him prettier than he could ever have imagined. Miserable, Seonghwa made his way back to his hotel room, hoping that the concert would make things better.
~~~~~~~
The Concert made things better, and it had not even begun yet. Seonghwa was standing in line, waiting for it to finally move. He was surrounded by girls who had dressed in their best Outfits for the occasion, as if they needed to leave a good impression on Hongjoong. Looking down on himself, Seonghwa would lie if he said he didn´t do the same, wearing a patterned black shirt tugged into his favourite pair of cargopants that made his hips look nice and narrow and masculine. The fact that the majority of the people who would attent the concert with him were female fueled Seonghwas Dysphoria to an uneccesary extent, so these pants were keeping his sanity in tact at least a bit.
When Seonghwa shoved away all of these feelings, the pre-concert excitement was filling him, making him shiver in comfort.
As he waited, Seonghwa checked his phone, answering some of Sans Texts regarding the marketing of his new book, and clicking through all the stories on Instagram. It was all rather uninteresting, other authors advertising their books, artists and friends complaining about their days, Seonghwa promptly missed the most important one.
As he heard one of the girls behind him in line exclaim “Oh my god, Hongjoong reads Park Seonghwa” loudly to her friend, he at first froze at his name, regained his composture, and checked the story of the artist that he had mindlessly tabbed away at first.
The Girl behind him was correct: Kim Hongjoong had posted a photo of the book he had proposed to buy for Seonghwa at first, capturing it with a Can´t wait to read this! And smaller text that read His other works had me on the f l o o r before guys. He even tagged Seonghwa, or better, his rather anonymous-writer-official-page.
Seonghwa tried to keep his fanboying to himself, condensed it to smiling like an idiot, screenshotting the story, reposting it with a Thank you, I´m a big fan of you myself! and send the screenshots to San to allow himself to go feral with his thoughts or a second. All that while hoped that nobody around him saw what was going on on his phone. Sooner than he was finished with vomiting his thoughts into the chat with San, his Line started moving forward, and with rising excitement, he was let inside the venue, got his ticket scanned, and with goosebumbs all over his body, walked up the stairs along with many other fans, to his seat. The Balcony of the venue had the best view on the stage and the rest of he croud, and Seonghwa tried to saviour this feeling, the excitement, everything in the scene.
As the Concert began, Seonghwa forgot everything that had happened that day, fully focused to enjoy seeing his favourite artist perform his favourite songs, getting blinded by the stage lights and losing his hearing and voice by screaming along all the songs. His phone stayed tugged away the entire time, excluding one time to take a photo, all he saw that evening was safely tugged in his brain forever as some of the nicest memories he ever made.
Seonghwa was happy when he left the venue, his mind filled with new, beautiful memories and an overpriced merch Tee in his hands.
~~~~~~~
Well, the young author thought the day was over after the concert. He was beyond happy on the bus ride to the hotel, but tired and ready to sleep as long as his body wanted him to. Seonghwa almost dozed off on the bus, barely missing his stop, but somehow made it out of the bus, into the Hotel, up the stairs and finally through the Door of his Room. Inside, he immediately threw all of his belongings on the bed and started stripping his sweaty clothes off. The long breath that he took as he pulled his binder over his head was deeper than usual, and Seonghwa wished he could´ve screamed fully on top of his lungs without the binder on the concert, without his Dysphoria screaming even louder in his head. He shoved the negative thoughts away with as much force as he could, in favour of savouring the new memories and that good mood that he had been in.
It worked, and Seonghwa continued to get ready for bed humming along the songs he had heard tonight and smiling at the speeches that Hongjoong had given in between.
Now, he didn´t think that his energy would return as if it were never gone as he actually laid down on the bed. His mind was wide awake, the urge to sleep gone. Trying to distract himself, Seonghwa posted the picture he had taken during the concert on his Instastories, responding to Sans messages following his brain vomit earlier, and putting all his smelly clothes away in his suitcase.
As he shoved his binder into the suitcase, Seonghwa heard someone knocking on his door. Thinking he heard it wrong at first, he ignored it, but the knocking continued. Seonghwa walked to the door with furrowed eyebrows, wondering who on earth would knock on his door after midnight.
He was just about to open the door, as a familiar voice on the other side of the door called: “Yunho? You just texted me, you must be awake! Why don´t you open?”
Seonghwa opened the door before his mind would go blank once again. He knew that voice. In fact, he had heard it a lot today and countless times for years before. And as he looked up at the owner of the voice, his suspicion was proven right: Kim Hongjoong stood in front of him once again, for the third time today. Seonghwa could not quite believe his eyes.
“I´m not Yunho”, he deadpanned, making eye contact with the smaller man. Maybe the fact that he was taller than his favourite artist made him forget that he wasn’t wearing his binder right know, and his chest might be visible under his big Hoodie.
Hongjoong in front of him looked like he needed to metaphorically pick up his jaw from the floor, which made Seonghwa smile and loosen up the tiniest bit.
“You´re the guy I ran over today!”, Hongjoong exclaimed, pointing at Seonghwa, who tilted his head. The fact that his favourite Artist didn´t think that he was a woman filled him with ginormous amounts of pride, which made him only bolder.
“And You´re the Artist who´s Concert I just attended”, Seonghwa said, as if he was confirming what Hongjoong just said.
Said guy now looked entirely flabbergasted. “What? Really?”, he asked, hiding his face behind his hands as he continued, “Then this is even more embarrassing than it already was! I am so so sorry, I must´ve ruined the concert for you now!”
Seonghwa just shook his head, suddenly much less frozen than he thought he would be. He took a step back, opening the door further, saying: “Not at all. …This might sound weird, but…want to talk about it?” He waved with one hand into his hotel room, as a silent invitation. Yes, I just invited my favourite fucking artist into my own fucking hotel room, No, I don´t know what the fuck I´m doing, Yes this might be the creepiest fucking thing I have ever done.
To his Surprise, Hongjoongs Face lit up at this, sending the other a thankful look. “Yes, please, let us talk this out!”, The artist said as he was walking past Seonghwa and into the Hotel Room. Seonghwa closed the door behind him, taking a deep breath. Whatever was going to happen now, he hoped he was not making another fool out of himself. Suddenly aware how he looked, he pulled on his Hoodie, trying to disguise his body as much as he possibly could. Preparing to tell Hongjoong just about everything about himself in order to make this situation less embarrassing, he turned around.
Hongjoong looked around the Hotel Room, before turning back around to face Seonghwa. He looked tense, unsure of what to say.
“Who´s Yunho?”, Seonghwa asked casually, sitting down on the bed and gesturing for Hongjoong to do the same. Sitting down as well, Hongjoong broke out in a laugh and explained: “That´s my manager. He texted me his room number to talk about the schedules tomorrow, and he must´ve made a typo. I am infinitely Sorry about this and everything else, if there´s any way I can amend this situation for you-“ “You just did”, Seonghwa said, bracing his hands under his legs and pulling his shoulders forward, hiding the front of his body even more. “The concert was absolutely beautiful, easily one of the best evenings I´ve had in ages. No need to further apologize”, Seonghwa argued calmly, smiling. “If anyone had to apologize, it would be me, for running away like a creep in the bookstore!”, he said with a laugh. It made him insecure for a second, because besides having said all the right things, Seonghwa worried about his voice. He had been told that his laugh sounded very feminine, and besides the fact that Hongjoong could be wondering about this, he himself hated his voice because of just that.
The other, however, looked like he wasn´t wondering about Seonghwas voice at all, instead he smiled consolingly, saying: “That was not awkward at all, don´t worry about it!” Then, he paused, as Seonghwa looked away with an embarrassed smile.
“I never got your name, by the way”, he then said, as if he was thinking out loud.
“It´s Seonghwa”, Seonghwa muttered, maybe too quiet, but Hongjoong got it, tilting his head. “Like the Author? Park Seonghwa?”, he asked, and god, never ever had Seonghwa thought that the cliché “The own Name sounds beautiful out of the mouth of someone you´re attracted to” was this true. He had described it in his books before, always hated the cheesiness of it, but he would lie if he denied the effect it had on him right now.
So, he decided to drop the bomb, explaining: “Not exactly like the Author, in a way”
As Hongjoong gave him a confused look, he said: “I am the Author, actually. That´s why I refused your offer to buy the book earlier, it´s because I wrote it.” A smile appeared on his face, as Hongjoong just stared at him, trying to process Seonghwas words.
“You´re kidding me, right?”, he finally said, disbelief all over his face, besides his smile that wanted Seonghwa to melt into a puddle. Instead of melting, tho, his own smile grew wider, and he shook his head. “I am not. I was very much freaking out when you said that you wanted to buy my book, which is why I ran away in the bookstore. I didn´t know how to react. I had a similar reaction as I stood in line to get into the concert venue, seeing your story about it. You reading my books is like…the biggest honour I could ever receive?”
To further support his believability, Seonghwa grabbed his phone from his nightstand, opening Instagram and showing it to Hongjoong. Said guys expression slowly faded, and the smile on his face overtook.
“I think we are fans of each other, then”, he said, his smile seemingly unbreakable. His hand had moved to Seonghwas lower thigh, seemingly unnoticed. Seonghwa didn´t want to shake it off, which was a first for him. His Dysphoria didn´t interfere, instead, it was surprisingly quiet right now.
Getting more comfortable with Hongjoong, Seonghwa put a hand on the smaller mans shoulder, asking half ironic: “Is there anything to be embarrassed about, then?” Hongjoong laughed at that, and it seemed like something clicked between them, a silent agreement over the boundaries that had been loosened.
As he grabbed the Hand on his shoulder to hold it, Hongjoong asked, with excitement in his voice: “Now…where I finally get a chance to ask you, after having read and loved literally all of your books…Can I ask you about them?”
Seonghwa smiled, tightening his own grip on the others hand. It felt natural, Touching Hongjoong felt natural. Easy, casual, the way to go. Seonghwa loved it. “If I can do the same about your music, ask everything you desire”, he consented with a nod to the other´s Question.
To that, Hongjoongs Face lit up even more, and he took a moment to put together a question in his head. Seonghwa wondered what he might ask. Online, he had seen people puzzle about his characters and inspirations for the books, which Seonghwa could understand, since he never gave anything away about it. It was partly marketing, San told him that the public discourse about his books was free promo.
“In “Phantastic Phantom””, Hongjoong started, pausing for a Moment. Seonghwa nodded, remembering his second Novel. The Characters of it had a close place to his heart, as he let them work through all of his struggles at the time, helping him process and understand himself.
“The Main Protagonist, Evie,”, Hongjoong continued, speaking slow, “Or…no. You…many Characters of your books in general have queer tendencies, right? Like, For Example, Evie in Phantastic Phantom acts like she entirely rejects the idea of being with a man but is much closer to her best friend. I thought they were together first.”
Seonghwa stilled. This kind of question was a first, to his surprise. Queer people like him tend to queercode any character who acts the tiniest bit friendly with their friend from the same gender or if they act not like gender clichés at all. He explicitly hinted such queer context in his books plenty of times, either by projecting his own experiences onto the characters or copy-pasting some of Sans Characteristics onto the protagonist.
But to his dismay, not even the smallest forum on the internet had expressed their suspicions that any of his characters could potentially be queer. It went so far that his books were even criticised for lacking representation despite his success, and it made Seonghwa absolutely feral. That Hongjoong, out of all people, had noticed and expressed his suspicion with such honesty, made his faith in humanity disappear at a slower pace.
“How do you know?”, Seonghwa asked, “Nobody has ever pointed it out, despite all the obvious hints.”
Hongjoong again looked like he was in deep thought, carefully choosing his words.
“In “Kicking Keys”, I related to some characters in ways I didn´t expect it. And it made me think about it a bit too hard maybe. I couldn´t help but notice it in all of your other books as well. So, to sum it up, your Books kinda made me realise I was gay and helped getting me though this revelation.”
The grip on Seonghwas Hand had become really tight, as if Hongjoong wanted to keep him from running away. Seonghwa put his free hand over Hongjoongs hand that had also tightened his grip to his knee, carefully loosening it up. The Feeling that he was talking to his favourite Artist was long gone. Now, he spoke to a real person, to which he felt a connection.
“Have you told anyone before? You seem very insecure about it”, he couldn´t help but ask, and saw Hongjoong crumbling right in front of him. His face fell, and his expression was nothing but pure hopelessness and exhaustion, and Seonghwa understood.
“I never told him, but I think Yunho knows. He and his boyfriend keep suggesting getting a grindr account when they tease me. But other than that…you´re the first”, Hongjoong confessed, and smiled like he didn´t quite believe what he just said.
“Thank you for your Trust, then, you´re safe with me”, Seonghwa responded calmly, with a light feeling in his stomach.
Hongjoong looked up, making eye contact. It sends a pleasant shiver down Seonghwas Spine, his smile never leaving his face. For some reason, he felt so close to Hongjoong, as if he could tell him everything, as if they had known each other for ages. Heat rose to his ears, to his face, and suddenly, he dammed the lights in the room for being so damn bright.
“I hate that I have to hide this part of myself”, Hongjoong spoke again, and leaned forward, until his head met Seonghwas Collarbones. Seonghwa let him, and his Dysphoria let him, too.
“But you tried to express it before, am I right?”, Seonghwa mumbled, leaning his chin into Hongjoongs bleached Hair, “In your Songs, right? Your music was soothing when I had all of these struggles myself. I couldn´t thank you enough for that.”
He felt Hongjoong breath out in amusement, as he answered: “Yes. And it helped me a lot, too. It felt freeing hearing that I was not the only one who was soothed by it.”
Seonghwa put an Arm around Hongjoong, rubbing slow circles on his back. It felt good, holding Hongjoong, and exchanging experiences and confessions.
They talked like that a little while longer, and Seonghwa found out that Hongjoongs favourite book of him was “Jolting Jellyfish”, told him some backgrounds about his characters and how he was frantic over his readers not getting the queer subtext. In return, Hongjoong told him about the time he read “Kicking Keys” and how he wrote his Songs, working through stuff.
Seonghwa wanted this Conversation to never end, since it flowed incredibly easy and Hongjoong made him feel so comfortable, but eventually, he got up to finally turn off the annoyingly bright lights, only letting one bedside lamp illuminate the room. At this point, Hongjoong had decided that despite his schedules tomorrow, he wanted to stay longer with Seonghwa, who whole-heartedly agreed. His Tiredness from earlier had completely disappeared, replaced with a warm, fuzzy feeling and heat running through his body.
As he returned to Hongjoong, who was still sitting on the bed, he suddenly turned shy. They had just talked like they knew each other´s deepest secrets, and yet, Seonghwa hadn´t told the other his biggest one. Anxious, he stood in front of the Man, not knowing what to say, fisting his hands. He looked into Hongjoongs Face, and found nothing but appreciation in his eyes.
“Did I tell you that ever since I run you over in that bookstore, I couldn´t get it out of my mind of insanely handsome you are? Finding out that you are such a wonderful person, too…It blows my mind”, Hongjoong said airily, like he wasn´t sure he should say this.
Seonghwa didn´t think the sudden comment on his looks was creepy, but he knew which direction Hongjoong was headed to, and sadness seeped through his smile.
“I can only say the same about you”, he responded honestly, stepping closer.
Hongjoong took the liberty to slowly lift his hands, laying them on Seonghwas Hips, looking up to him in pure admiration.
And for the first time in his Life, this Touch didn´t feel loathsome or uncomfortable to Seonghwa. He didn´t feel like Hongjoong touched because he liked his Body, the body of a biological woman, instead, it felt like he touched because it was Seonghwa, out of pure appreciation and the associated attraction.
The Touch felt too good, so uplifting, it made Seonghwa tear up. Trembling, he laid his hands on Hongjoongs Shoulders, coming even closer.
“Why are you crying, pretty boy?”, Hongjoong breathed out, the pet name sounding like it was Seonghwas actual name.
Said Guy lowered his head, whispering: “I- You don´t understand. I don´t know if you´ve noticed, but…I´m trans. My body is the wrong one. I- I hate it so much and, I don´t know, I- “
Hongjoong pulled Seonghwa forward the last bit, made him fall onto his lab, and leaned his forehead against the other´s.
“I´m gay. That means, I like guys. And you’re a guy, right?”, Hongjoong mumbled, equally quiet, but with his voice sounding confident.
“Yes, But- “, Seonghwa wanted to interfere, but Hongjoong interrupted him: “I like you, no matter what you are or not are. I´d like to get to know you better, if you let me. I mean it, Seonghwa.”
That finally send the Author over the edge, and he broke down crying for real. His shoulders trembled, and the tears didn´t seem to stop, happiness, relief, and maybe even gender euphoria overwhelming him.
Under tears, Seonghwa asked, barely audible: “Can I kiss you?” and Hongjoong closed the gap as an answer. The kiss felt good, it felt right, and Seonghwa leaned into this good feeling, letting himself go in this source of Comfort and Appreciation that was Hongjoong.
~~~~~~
Seonghwa woke up cuddling up to Hongjoongs shirtless back. For a Moment, he panicked, but then the memories from the night before came back, and filled him with that warm, fuzzy feeling that drew him closer to Hongjoong. He let himself wake up slowly, cuddled to Hongjoongs back, nuzzling the Hair at the back of his head. The fact that he didn´t wear a binder, only a thin Shirt, in the presence of another person that he was so close to, suddenly didn´t make him freak out anymore. He was still insecure about his body, the dysphoria was as present as ever, but it was bearable. Hongjoong still thought he was the pretty Boy Seonghwa knew, deep inside, he was and always had been.
As Seonghwa had fully woken up, he took a look over Hongjoongs shoulder, to see that the other was already awake and on his phone. Hongjoong hummed pleasantly, acknowledgeing Seonghwas very awake presence.
The Chat that Seonghwa could read made something stir pleasantly in his stomach.
It seemed to be with Yunho, the Manager, who had asked Hongjoong were the heck he were.
Hongjoong had answered a simple, entirely unrelated Thank you, followed by Yunhos Answer, which consisted out of a couple question marks. The Answer to that was For giving me the wrong door number.
~~~~~~~
Epilouge/ A few months later
“I refuse to believe I am not your One and only anymore”, San complained teasingly, as Seonghwa entered the meeting room of his publisher´s offices.
“I never said you were my One and Only in the first place”, Seonghwa answered with a grin, sitting down next to his agent.
San shoved his Phone in Seonghwas vision, showing him a Story-Post on Instagram. It was a Q&A Post, the Question being: Why do you like Park Seonghwas Books so much?
To his surprise, Seonghwa saw that it was Hongjoongs Story, and read the answer out loud: “The queer subtext in his books is undeniable, I like feeling represented. Plus, I know that the Author is really nice, so I just can´t help it.”
San looked at the author in disbelief, taking his phone away. “Honestly, I think the publisher should pay for your next few concert tickets, so you can be run over by the artists and make them advertise your stuff in all the right ways and come out while they´re at it”, he stated, shaking his head.
Seonghwa laughed, feeling his phone buzzing in his Hoodie Pocket. It was buzzing oftener than usual recently, caused by the presence of a new person in his life.
“They better don´t”, Seonghwa said, smiling like an Idiot, “I´m not into polyamory.”
That made San hit his Hand on the Table in disbelief, loudly exclaiming: “No Way!”