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New Year is about to start. How many minutes are left? You don't know, but it cannot be many. Maybe two, maybe only one? Time seems to be standing still, but at the same time, it seems to be running away.
The evening was eventful as is, but the highlight is still coming: the countdown, the introduction of the new year. It is probably just about to start.
You are at a friend's party that you planned together with said best friend Hanna. She decided to invite a bunch of people to celebrate with her, start out the new year with happiness, nice people around and a bunch of alcohol and when she asked you to help set everything up, you were in.
Both you and Hanna decided it would be a waste of money to buy any fireworks or crackers as you know that the neighbors have enough in their basement to blow up the whole sky, so instead you spent the money to buy alcohol, snacks and drinks for those that want to stay clean.
Sparkling wine, beer, shots, whatever you have bought to bring to that party is almost empty already, many people are drunk or at least tipsy, so the laughter around you is louder than usual. The music blows as well, but Hanna's boyfriend is about to turn it down a little so the whole group of people can start the countdown before the fireworks start up.
You tighten your hands into fists as you see everyone stalk over to their partner, cuddle up close and wait to share a lovely new year's kiss. They all look so happy.
And you?
You're alone. You are in love, that is true, but the woman you want to hold tight now and kiss all over is not your girlfriend. You doubt that she will ever be your girlfriend as well. Another evening spent single.
Hanna's boyfriend announces that the countdown is right about to start and everybody prepares, they start at ten, ready to go down to zero. But you don't exactly know what to do. You whisper the number only, only now realizing how alone you truly are. She is there, right next to you. You are practically not alone. She , the woman you want, the woman of your dreams. Sabine.
"Nine!"
But still, she is not your girlfriend. You want her to be, you really do. You cannot imagine something better than to stand here, hand in hand with her, waiting until the countdown hits zero, then pull her in for a kiss. Your fingers itch at the thought, ready to grab a hand that is not really there.
"Eight!"
You have imagined kissing her so many times. When you were out eating ice cream with Hanna and her in summer, you watched her out of the corner of your eyes and wished you were that damned ice cream cone.
Your thoughts were not always very safe for work regarding that woman, that you admit. But you would never admit what you really would want her to do to you. Oh, those thoughts, those reinless, dirty thoughts.
"Seven!"
How amazing it would be though. Her strong arms caging you in, her lips kissing every piece of skin she could reach, those burning amber eyes looking at you to suck up every expression you made as she–
"Six!"
No, not now. This is not the situation to think of such dirty situations. You are still with friends, after all. And this situation will never occur anyway. She is not into you, you repeatedly tell yourself. You won't ever be enough for her. What even are you?
"Five!"
She's a woman of high standards. She is rich, she is strong, she looks amazing and she has everything you could ever ask for. What would she ever see in you? You're ' entertaining ', as she had put it. Entertaining , nothing more.
And what could entertaining mean? Definitely not 'romantically interesting'. Not for her. When Sabine says something, she means it. She's honest and she is not hiding. If she loved you, even liked you in the first place, you would probably have already noticed.
"Four!"
You spare her a glance. She looks as amazing as always. A stunning woman, even though the cold does not really allow her to show much skin, you know what is beneath. And her face . Her pokerface is scary, but deep underneath, she is a good woman. Rude, but good at heart. She would laugh if you tripped and fell, but she would help you back up nevertheless. That is the kind of person you are looking for: humorous, but not cold-blooded.
"Three!"
Again, you realize: It would be so easy. Grab her wrist, turn her around, pull her in and kiss her. That is all you would have to do. Not much, but even such a tiny action could destroy everything you have created so far in between the both of you. It would destroy your friendship. You can't. You don't dare to.
"Two!"
You watch your best friend Hanna hold hands with her boyfriend as they excitedly wait for the one to hit and the wave of fireworks to start. They look so happy. They look so romantic together.
You want that, exactly what they have. But you are certain you never will, at least not this year. And it hurts. You want her , she is standing so close. You have a chance. But you never take it.
You are alone.
Alone, and terribly jealous. You try to keep your facial expression under control, but it only gets harder as your thoughts wander from one ' could be ' to another ' won't be ' repeatedly. What a terrible waste of emotion, you think.
Another year has passed and you are still single, you are still simping for the same woman since January and nothing has changed, other than that you now might have developed some kind of friendship.
Ask her out? Not a chance. She will reject you, you are so sure.
Hell, you don't even know if she is a lesbian. What if she is into guys or asexual? Or what if she does have a partner and you just don't know about them?
You see her standing there, so close to you, but still way too far away. You want her closer, so much closer. Your body urges you to take a step to the side, to let at least your shoulder brush along her arm, but you don't. It would be creepy, just standing in the same spot for minutes and then suddenly sliding over, getting closer. What would Sabine think of you?
You are by far not the only single one at this party, there are a lot more, but all of them are either here with friends - which happen to be single as well - or confident enough to stand with their glass of whatever they are drinking and wait for the fireworks all alone.
Friendship. It will probably never be more than friendship. And the thought alone makes your heart cramp. A terrible feeling.
"One!"
In the distance, some fireworks erupt in the sky already. You watch the beautiful colors as tears slowly start collecting in your eyes. The feeling of loneliness swallows you whole as you can feel how your whole body tenses. You actually don't want this, you don't want the new year to start.
You want to start it with her, but you need time you don't have. You have a second left, but what is a second? You cannot do anything in a second. You cannot ask her out on a date, go shopping together or get some coffee to get to know each other romantically. A second is not enough.
By far not. But the second does have to end at some point. You cannot stop it, you will have to endure it in a way that could not be more painful than it already is.
Midnight hits:
"Zero!"
People cheer and shout out the last number as they start jumping around, couples kiss and hug, glasses clank together. The new year is here. More fireworks rush up into the sky, erupt and loudly explode. The sky is colored and lit up multiple times, you can feel the pressure of happiness around threaten to drown you.
You are still alone. Others are with their lovers, soulmates, family and friends, relishing in the feeling of having survived another year, ready to take on what the new year has to offer. Prepared for everything to come, probably having the best day of the year.
But, in the past ten seconds, nothing has really changed. You are still holding your glass of cheap champagne, not having taken a sip from it as your eyes are directed at the sky, where colorful explosions still take place, welcoming the new year.
What do you feel ? Your heart beats hard, your chest tightens, your eyes hurt from all the hot tears that slowly dare to slip out, threatening to show themselves to everyone. Can you hold them? How? And why would you?
In your daze, you don't notice the steps behind you, you don't notice how a hand is placed on your shoulder. Only when a soft "Hey," is spoken right next to your ear, you flinch and turn your head.
You see her , but only for a split second, before you are pulled in by your chin. You need to get up to your toes to follow the grip taken on your neck, your nostrils flare in surprise and you almost drop the glass you are holding to the ground.
It is Sabine. She is right in front of you.
And she is about to kiss you. You gasp for air as your lips touch, but you quickly adapt to her hold. It is her . You cannot believe it. It really is her.
Now you let your tears fall freely, the glass of champagne slips out of your grasp as quickly as you wrap your arms around her neck to hold yourself up. This is what you want. You are not sure if the alcohol makes you hallucinate, but you wish for every second of this kiss to be true, for it to really be Sabine standing in front of you, holding you, kissing you.
As you have questioned whether she felt the same, you were unaware that she was watching you the whole time, that she was observing your expressions very closely, going from emptiness to jealousy as you stared at Hanna and her boyfriend and as your thoughts processed, your face warped into a saddened pokerface.
That was her clue to start, her clue to go.
Sabine was never sure if you felt anything for her, but now that she is finally kissing those soft lips of yours, she realizes that everything she did to lead her to this situation was right. Maybe she should have done it earlier. But earlier was then, and now is now.
And right now, she is kissing you, you are holding on to her, you are not letting go and neither is she. You can hear Hanna squeal in the background as she turns to see the both of you, but the noise is drowned out by the soft words Sabine speaks as the two of you part to breathe:
"Happy new year," she says in a caring, rumbling voice.
Your dams break as you smile and cry at the same time.
"Happy new year," you reply, before you kiss her again.
What a way to start the year.