Chapter Text
Questionably sane Captain Levi Ackerman sat at the officer's table in the mess hall while everyone else was either sleeping or doing whatever it was they did when they weren't annoying the life out of him. In front of him was a steaming cup of his favorite tea and a pile of paperwork that he wished he could just toss in the fire and be done with it. The reason that he was sitting alone, was that he was remembering a random conversation he'd had with Isabel when they were fresh from the Underground and he'd complained that she made the shittiest tea he'd ever tasted in his life. The reason he was remembering this was that one of his squad mates had attempted to brew him a cup of tea out of kindness and it tasted just as shitty as Isabel's.
The silver-eyed Captain looked up from his work when soft footfalls sounded and their resident titan shifter Eren Yeager walked into the room. "Oh. I didn't know you were in here Captain. Sorry for bothering you. I was just going to make a cup of tea and take it outside." The brunet blushed softly. "You're not bothering me Cadet. You're way less troublesome than some of the shitty brats I have to deal with during the day." Levi replied as he went back to his paperwork. Eren headed into the kitchen and Levi assumed that the younger man was done talking for the night. Imagine his surprise when a fresh cup of steaming hot tea was set before him and the other cup was taken away. "Have a good night sir." Eren smiled slightly as he left the mess hall with his own steaming cup.
Levi regarded the tea dubiously. It looked the proper color unlike the last one. It also smelled like it was properly brewed. But looks could be deceiving. Cautiously, Levi picked his cup up by the rim as usual and took a hesitant sip. Cat-like eyes widened when the tea touched his tongue. It was brewed perfectly. Even Levi couldn't make a cup of tea this perfect. Wide eyes looked up to stare at the doors Eren had disappeared through and Levi vaguely wondered if Erwin would bring him up on charges if he kidnapped Eren, stole every bit of tea in the whole castle along with a good tea pot and cups before fucking off into the sunset with the titan shifter so that he could devote himself solely to making tea for him. Fuck the rest of the world. Eren could live peacefully brewing tea and keeping their house clean. Levi would do all the heavy lifting and bring home their food and other shit. Eren could be his housewife. And didn't that throw Levi for a fucking loop? Thinking about his subordinate that way. The ravenet was sure there was a special place in hell for people like him. But Levi wasn't too broken up about it. He'd have company at the very least and that was just fine.
Eren Yeager wasn't usually the type to sit still but he'd had an epic fight with Mikasa earlier in the night so the brunet youth was doing something he rarely did. He had stolen a pint tankard from a random pub at some point in his life so he'd done what any responsible human would probably not do. He made himself some tea. His Captain had looked less constipated than usual so Eren made some for him as well. It wasn't exactly a secret that Levi was a tea snob of the highest order so Eren hoped his tea was up to Levi's kind of ridiculous standards. If not, well he'd hear about it later. When Eren finished his tea, he went to wash his stolen mug and smiled slightly as he saw Levi gone but his empty cup and saucer were still on the table. The ocean eyed teen washed his cup along with his own. Seeing the cup empty eased the brunet's heart. It meant that Levi liked his tea and that made him proud.
Erwin went to the mess hall to eat with his men only to stop short at seeing the whole Corps waiting outside the mess hall with differing expressions of annoyance on their faces. "What's going on?" The blond asked curiously. "Captain Levi refuses to let anyone inside. He's holding the whole mess hall hostage." A female version of Levi, also known as Mikasa Ackerman, replied scathingly. "Okaaaay. And why is he doing this?" Erwin asked, feeling a headache coming on. "The perfect cup of tea." Mikasa deadpanned. "Pardon?" Erwin asked like he hadn't heard correctly. "Eren, the stupid idiot, apparently made Captain Homicidal Midget a cup of tea and now he's in fucking love which is all fine and well as long as it's not bothering the rest of us but now he's bothering the rest of us so it's unacceptable and as the Commander, we need you to order Levi to let us in so we can eat." Mikasa replied with a scowl at the doors to the mess hall. Erwin felt his headache intensify.
Erwin managed to bully Levi into behaving so that the Scouts could eat their breakfast. His only concession was that Eren stayed at the table with him. Erwin sighed as he managed to finally get to his desk so he could begin doing his paperwork. Only for Levi to rudely slam his door open and march into the room. "What can I do for you Captain?" The blond asked in a self-suffering manner. "I have a request." Levi replied as he sat down with a, was that a beer mug Levi was drinking out of?, calm face. 'Resting bitch face. How appropriate at times.' Erwin thought sourly. "And what would that be?" The blond asked. "I wish to reassign Cadet Yeager." Levi replied. "And why is that? Has he done something to displease you?" Erwin asked calmly. "Not at all. In fact, he has pleased me greatly." Levi replied. "Then why do you want him reassigned?" Erwin asked. "I want him reassigned because he has found his true calling in life and I want to make sure he heeds that calling." Levi replied. Erwin felt his earlier headache return with a vengeance that bordered on homicidal. "And what would that true calling be Levi?" He asked reluctantly. Levi smirked. "Making tea." He replied. "Absolutely not Levi." Erwin groaned. Levi had the audacity in Erwin's opinion to look offended. "Why the fuck not?" He demanded. Erwin was absolutely certain that Keith Shadis abandoned the Corps for the academy for this very reason. Levi was a capable soldier, that much was true. But what the residents of the Walls didn't know, was that the homicidal ravenet was also an insane sociopath. And he could hold a grudge like no one's business. "How many times do I have to apologize for Mike's actions when we first met?" Erwin demanded. "For all fucking eternity. Unless you grant my request." Levi replied. Erwin wanted to pinch the bridge of his nose or bash his head against his desk until he lost consciousness. "I can't." He said. "Then suffer." Levi replied.
Eren looked stunned when Levi marched into the courtyard where they all trained and right up to him. "Eren hold your hand out." The ravenet ordered. Confused as hell but unwilling to disobey orders, Eren obeyed Levi without question. The entire squad watched in awe as Levi slid a ring on the brunet's finger. "Consider yourself locked down." He said. A wide grin spread on the ocean eyed male's face. "Yes sir!" He replied happily. "Good. I'll expect tea with dinner." Levi said as he turned on his heel and went back inside the castle. He allowed a grin to surface when he heard Mikasa's screams of fury when she no doubt saw the ring and Eren explained to her what it meant.
"Armin tell me something." Erwin murmured as the two blonds lay in bed together for the night, the shorter blond laying with his head on Erwin's chest. "What is it?" Armin asked. "What kind of witchcraft has Eren used on Levi?" Erwin asked. Armin laughed as he thought about the question. "After Shinganshina fell, Eren refused to work the fields. He could with his strength and build but he didn't want that. When we were kids, we had this lady that did something that no one had ever done before. She took all of Eren's angry, aggressive energy and directed it into tea ceremony. Eren fell in love with the whole process and perfected it. Mikasa and I used to tease him by telling him that he'd make a fine wife for some pompous noble some day. Why?" He replied. "Well I'm sorry to tell you that you were a little off your mark there sunshine. He'll make a fine wife to the questionably sane, homicidal Captain Levi. Are you proud of yourself? You made this happen." Erwin said. "Wait. Captain Levi was serious when he put that ring on Eren's finger? I thought it was just a joke!" Armin said in shock. "Levi doesn't make jokes unless they mention some variation of shit." Erwin replied. "No wonder Mikasa looked so murderous earlier." Armin said.
Erwin sighed tiredly as he was rudely awakened by one of the cadets. "Commander Erwin sir? You need to come break them up." A nervous cadet stammered. Erwin got up, annoyed as all hell because Armin and his bed were both very warm and very affectionate. He groaned quietly when he got closer to the mess hall. "What's going on here?" He asked tiredly. "Apparently there is a very fucked up game of tug o' war going on in the mess hall. Captain Levi's on one side, Mikasa's on the other and Eren is trapped in the middle." Petra Ral replied in amusement. Erwin rubbed his face with his hands, resisting the urge to pretend he was five and throw a temper tantrum. "Levi! Mikasa! Let Eren go right this minute! While we are well aware that he can in fact regrow his limbs, that does not give you leave to rip his arms off in a frankly pathetic and annoying pissing contest to see who's the one that gets to fuck Eren at the end of the day." He barked. Mikasa looked positively murderous. "That short bastard is going to defile my innocent brother with his no doubt just as small as he is dick?!" She shrieked. Eren looked like he wanted a titan to appear and eat him whole. Erwin didn't blame him. He'd gladly join the brunet in the titan's stomach.
"No one is defiling anyone. Let's just calm down and think rationally. This is no doubt very stressful for young Eren who is a victim in all this insanity." Erwin tried to diffuse the situation. "And if I do 'defile' Eren, he'll enjoy every second of it. Why? Because unlike a certain gloomy fucking leech, I trust him to take care of himself. He's an adult and a soldier after all, though if I have my way, he won't be a soldier much longer. He can also shit out a 15 meter titan on command. Besides, Eren is a big boy and can make his own decisions. He doesn't need you running his life or whatever the fuck it is you're doing." Levi snapped back. "Levi." Eren admonished the ravenet. "Over my dead goddamned body! I'll never let you touch Eren!" Mikasa snarled. "Mikasa please." Eren pleaded. The two ravens ignored the titan shifter as they continued to argue. "SHUT UP FOR FIVE GODDAMNED SECONDS AND LISTEN!" Eren roared, silencing the whole mess hall. Erwin turned and went back to bed. He was too old for this bullshit. "Mikasa I don't need you to baby me constantly. I'm not an idiot. I can wipe my own ass and tie my own boots and strap on my own ODM harness, and wipe my own nose. Stop smothering me with your obsessive bullshit or I will eat you. And not in a pleasant way. I mean I will actually bite my hand, transform, and eat you." Eren warned. He turned to Levi next. "And you. I understand your love of tea but quit being an asshole and rubbing me in Mikasa's face. You two are supposed to be mature. Levi you're a goddamned adult. You too Mikasa. Start acting like it." Eren huffed as he motioned for the doors to the mess hall be unblocked so people could get inside for food.
Mikasa opened her mouth, no doubt to try and argue Eren into submission but the brunet held up one hand. "Let me leave you with this: I'm hungry, pissed off, and so over your obsessive need to prove that your dick is bigger than anyone who even looks at me in a friendly manner. I want food and at this point, I don't care what form that food takes Mika. Human or animal." He reminded her as he walked toward the line with the others, leaving two stunned raven haired Scouts behind. After a few minutes, Eren heard the self-suffering voice of Hanji's assistant Moblit Berner. "No Captain Levi, I don't think that arousal is an acceptable reaction to the threat of being eaten by a titan." He said. Eren just buried his face in his hands and laughed. He really could pick them. Apparently in his troll of a brain, the crazier the better.