Work Text:
Monday, July 3, 2017
"Come on, Tomo, let's hurry to the library before all the good tables are taken!" Yuki attached himself to my arm and pulled. I didn't doubt that he would physically drag me across the courtyard if I didn't move fast enough.
"Geez, Yuki, I can't remember the last time you were this enthusiastic about doing your homework," I sighed, picking up the pace. Well, hurrying to get inside was a good idea; even with the short-sleeved summer uniforms, it was too hot to spend a lot of time outdoors.
Yuki made a sound that I would have called a giggle if it had come from a girl. "Well, I'm in a really good mood today! I can't help being enthusiastic about everything!"
"You're always in a good mood," I countered, but gave up on resisting. Yuki was impossible to resist.
Minutes later, we were in the blissfully air conditioned library. Though it was busier than usual because so many students were studying for the tests that would be given before summer break, we somehow managed to score one of the best tables. It was in an out of the way corner, away from the sunlight that was coming through the large windows and heating up the other tables. We would be able to talk freely there without worrying about being overheard. Convenient, if Yuki wanted to talk about director stuff, which he often did. Even if it was just to nag me about doing a thorough job.
"Wow, lucky!" Yuki declared, plopping his bag on the small table.
"Yeah, I'll be able to sleep better here. It's more comfortable."
"Don't you care about anything except sleeping?" He sat down and frowned at me.
Man, he was so easy to rile up. I barely had to try, and I was rewarded with a pout that made my chest tighten in an almost pleasant way. Enjoying that look always made me feel vaguely guilty, though, and I turned my face away after a few moments. I pulled out the other chair and flopped into it, dropping my bag on the floor. "Mmm, not really. Well, I like days off and vacation time."
Yuki already had his books out and was pulling the history textbook closer. "Tomo, every day is vacation time for you. You should try waking up or you're going to sleep through all the good things in life!"
"I'm awake now, and you're here. Are you saying you're not a good thing?"
I'd meant to tease, but after I said it, I realized that it sounded weird. My face got hot.
Yuki's face colored too, though I wasn't sure if he was embarrassed or annoyed. Probably both, because he kicked me under the table and muttered, "You know that's not what I meant!"
"What, are you turning into Yagami? No violence in the library," I reminded him with a smug smile, and leaned over to dig out my own history book and notebook. The sight of them softened my smile as I thought of Professor Ito. I'd just spent my first weekend at the apartment he shared with Mr. Suzubishi, and though it had been awkward, they'd given me a lot of space. When things got weird, I could retreat to the room they'd set aside for me, a good place for a nap even though it was still in transition from craft storage to a bedroom.
"Hey, hey, so how was your weekend?" Yuki was leaning forward with a big, silly grin. "Did anything special happen?"
I tilted my head with a frown. "It was my first weekend with Mr. Suzubishi and Professor Ito. Don't tell me you already forgot about that."
"O, oh!" His cheeks colored, eyes going round. "I... I did kind of forget... haha..."
"Idiot," I muttered, smiling at his exaggerated reaction. "Anyway, it was about as awkward as we imagined it would be. Like, imagine if you were practically married to someone, and then all of a sudden another person was sharing your space and you had to behave or whatever. That's what it was like, all weekend."
Honestly, I'd felt pretty bad about intruding on their privacy. There had been so many intimate moments that had been cut short by my presence, as if they'd momentarily forgotten I was there, then caught themselves just before doing anything. If they'd just been holding back from kissing or whatever, that would have been okay, but I could tell that all of their normal gestures had been stifled too. They didn't sit close together, stopped themselves from casually touching, and even avoided maintaining eye contact for too long. And what was I supposed to do, tell the future head of one of the biggest corporations in the country to stop tiptoeing around for my sake? Nope.
So, I took lots of naps. Or rather, a normal number of naps for me, even though Professor Ito thought it was 'too many.' I'd barely stopped myself from asking him if he wanted to make out with his boyfriend or not.
Yuki poked my arm with his pencil. "Even though you say that, you're grinning."
"Well, it was kind of cute, I guess. They were a couple since that MVP Battle thing, right? That was a long time ago, but they're still all in love and whatever. Usually relationships from high school don't end up lasting that long."
For some reason, Yuki's shoulders slumped, and he pulled back his arm. "I... guess that's true."
I shrugged. "It makes sense. People change a lot as they grow up, and stuff. Sometimes they end up not being compatible anymore."
"That's pretty sad."
He still looked doubtful, so I nudged him with my toe. "Hey, but it can work out. I mean, look at us, we were just two clueless brats when we were separated years ago. But once we remembered, it was like we never stopped being friends. It just got put on hold for a while."
That brought a smile back to his face. "Yeah, that's right. Relationships can last for a long time."
"Heh, why do you sound so relieved? You dating someone?"
I was only teasing, but Yuki's cheeks turned red and he looked down suddenly, biting his lip. "W, well, I had a special weekend too." A soft smile came to his lips, transforming his face in a way that was completely different from any expression I'd ever seen on him before.
I felt my chest tighten, the sensation unpleasant and almost painful. "Yuki," I began, but I was so surprised by the strain in my voice that I stopped without saying anything else.
He took my lack of a response as permission to continue, and looked up with a bright smile that I knew had nothing to do with me. "Have you ever been in love, Tomo?"
Love?!
My body reacted without thinking, standing up so quickly that my chair wobbled for a moment before settling back down on the carpeted floor. I stared at him, heart pounding. What on earth was he talking about? We'd barely finished cleaning up what was left of the mess at the school. Those worries had consumed every waking moment, and sometimes they leaked into my dreams as well. Yuki had fought just as hard at my side; when had he found time for anything else?
Yuki's mouth opened a bit in surprise, and it took him a few seconds before he could ask, "Tomo?"
"I'm not interested in stuff like that." My tone was flat, cold, and unfamiliar.
My best friend's smile faded. "O, oh..."
His disappointed tone stung my conscience. You're acting weird, I told myself. Stop it.
But another part of me was screaming, I have to get out of here. I felt that urge in the pit of my stomach, but I didn't know why. My entire body was sweaty and cold at the same time, and an uncomfortable dampness was gathering at the back of my neck. All I knew was that I had to escape, and I frantically gathered my books and supplies, stuffing them back into my bag as Yuki stared.
"Wait, Tomo, what are you--"
I cut him off. "I forgot, I have mandatory practice today."
"But you're always cutting practice, aren't you?" He was getting upset, tone growing whiny. "You're already late, it won't matter if you stay a little longer. I've been waiting to talk to you all day!"
I didn't want to hear it. I can't. Stop talking, Yuki, I don't want to hear it! My hands were shaking as I shrugged, slinging my bag over my shoulder. "I told you, I don't wanna talk about annoying things like that. What you do in your free time is your business."
"Tomo!" Yuki's shocked outburst was so loud that other students turned to look.
"Shh, people are looking! I have to go!"
I turned and hurried away as quickly as I could without being scolded for running in the library. I pushed open the door, and the heat and humidity crashed into me with the force of a brick wall. I didn't care. If it was hot and stuffy, I wouldn't have to think about Yuki.
Yuki saying he's in love... what kind of nonsense is that?!
I ran. Sweat bloomed on my body, dripping down the back of my neck and the inside of my shirt. By the time I made it back to my room, my entire shirt was soaked through. I threw my bag on the floor and plopped down on the edge of my bed, hunched over with my head in my hands.
What was I doing, running away from Yuki like that? The sudden urge to run was a little too familiar; it had driven me to win races back in middle school, and more recently, to speed around the track at a pace that left my worries behind. But that had always been a response to pressure, external demands to program faster or hack into the Suzubishi system, or internal worries about what my parents were truly asking of me or the pain of losing my brother.
All Yuki had done was mention the word love.
Just thinking it made my chest burn. How could he? We'd been together almost constantly since the board's proposal to close the school. I hadn't noticed any special attachment to anyone else.
You said we were like brothers.
Those words had made me so happy, but now the memory felt hollow.
My mind raced with possibilities, all quickly dismissed. Maybe he'd always had a girlfriend from his previous school, but that was impossible. Yuki couldn't keep something like that a secret. Then maybe he'd met someone over the weekend, but who falls in love that fast? Or he'd reconnected with an old girlfriend. Well, I couldn't deny that possibility.
None of it seemed right. Yuki wasn't the type who would keep quiet about something so important. He'd mentioned his middle school friends a few times, though not in detail, but I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something more to it.
Was it... someone he met here?
Despite the cool of the air conditioned room, I broke out in a sweat again. When he wasn't with me, Yuki was with the student council, and...
And... there was someone there who was so similar to him.
It was a perfect match. The more I considered it, the more obvious it seemed. Sagimori wasn't popular because of his quirky personality, but that sort of thing didn't matter to Yuki. More than that, Sagimori was smart, athletic, and... well, you could almost call him beautiful.
But he's a guy.
Even as I thought it, I realized that didn't matter to Yuki either. I'd almost forgotten that awkward conversation in the changing room after the ball tournament, with Yuki staring at the three of us with an odd, curious expression. He'd finally settled on me, maybe because he felt safest that way, staring at my body and asking questions. It had been annoying to be observed like that, and it had felt vaguely embarrassing, but it was more than that. With his decision that I was some sort of model to be aspired to, I'd felt almost proud. Even if it had been a little weird with Yuki's eyes looking me up and down, I couldn't help feeling flattered by his undisguised admiration. I'd been so caught up in how I'd felt at the time, and I couldn't remember how much he'd stared at the others.
That wasn't the first or last time he'd commented on the bodies of other students, complimenting Minase's slim but muscular physique, or noting Sonoda's strong arms. Yuki himself hardly seemed aware of the implications of his observations, cheerily saying whatever came to mind without pausing to consider just how suggestive it sounded.
Maybe he didn't even realize his own feelings.
But he was about to tell me that he was in love with someone, wasn't he? And I ran.
My face grew hot as I realized what it meant.
I'd been trapped, cornered by the board and my own indecision, wanting to do the right thing, but also wanting to escape the pressure. All I could do at that time was run. And then fate had placed Yuki in my life again, summoned at random by my brother's whim. Like before, when he'd helped us at the park, Yuki wasn't able to sit by and watch me panic; instead, he reached for me with both hands, pulling me from the mire. It was only natural that I would feel gratitude. And affection.
Like family, he'd said.
Only... the jumble of emotions swirling inside me right now had nothing to do with family. Jealousy, anger, regret, a sense that it was all unfair, and under all of that, something I was afraid to name.
I'm the one who didn't realize my own feelings. I fell back onto the bed with a long, deep sigh. Deflated. That's how I felt.
Yuki... I'm sorry. But I don't want to hear about it. I can't.
The tears that stung my eyes weren't the pure kind, meant to release bitterness. Instead, they were disgraceful, something ugly summoned by the base emotions that filled my heart.
Why Sagimori? Why not me? We've been through so much together, you know everything about me, you understand me more than I understand myself. Is that why, Yuki? Because I was weak, because I was afraid, because there's something ugly inside me? Did my darkness push you away?
I rolled over and buried my face in my pillow, hiding my shameful whimpering.
~ end ~