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Shusei walked beside Hotsuma in silence, their shoulders brushing occasionally every few steps they took. Shusei glanced over at Hotsuma whose shoulders were tensed stiffly, his gaze resolutely fixed to the random spots on the pavement in front of them.
For the past few days Hotsuma had barely said a word to Shusei, and even less to everyone else.
It wasn’t like Hotsuma had been acting in a completely unresponsive way, but the most anyone had managed to get out of him were short, one sentence answers to pointless questions. It had been immediately clear to Shusei from the outset that Hotsuma’s mood was not normal. It had taken everyone else a little longer to realise too that something was wrong.
Despite not speaking to him much, it was apparent that Hotsuma wasn’t angry with Shusei or with anyone else. Maybe it was that Hotsuma was worried about him again, which wasn’t out of the ordinary, but Shusei had a feeling that this time there was more to it than that.
Hotsuma had practically been his shadow, day and night.
At the mansion, there wasn’t a moment when Hotsuma wasn’t by his side. Hotsuma slept in Shusei’s bed every night, curled against Shusei’s side, but there was still always some distance separating them.
Normally Shusei would have complained at least once but the aura around Hotsuma made it impossible for Shusei to even joke about it.
It was the same at school too. A part from when they were confined to their separate classes, Hotsuma spent every break or lunch with Shusei and followed him to whatever extra curricular activities Shusei had to attend after school.
Still, this was enough to concern Shusei more than if Hotsuma had been yelling at the top of his lungs.
He had been waiting for Hotsuma to confide in him but it didn’t take Shusei long to guess that Hotsuma perhaps didn’t know how to talk about whatever was weighing so heavily on his mind.
Ever since childhood, Hotsuma was the type of person who showed through actions what he was feeling rather than simply saying it. Shusei was always left to interpret what Hotsuma was feeling and react accordingly. Not that Shusei ever minded of course.
He actually admired Hotsuma for the way he openly showed his emotions. Shusei was the one prone to hide behind his false smiles and assurances, retreating into himself. He felt unbearable guilt for it, especially since it had once put not only him in danger, but also the people he cared about. That was something he couldn’t easily forgive himself for.
Shusei’s eyes looked back at Hotsuma’s rigid frame, noticing the frown creasing the other’s forehead and the white knuckled grip Hotsuma had on the school bag thrown over his shoulder.
It had been Shusei’s idea for them to walk home alone today. He needed an opportunity to be alone with Hotsuma, to go somewhere where they could talk without being interrupted.
As they were about to pass the entrance to a small park, Shusei stopped.
“Hotsuma,” he said gently.
Hotsuma paused, one step in front of Shusei, but he didn’t look back and instead waited for Shusei to say something more. Shusei reached out to graze his fingers lightly over the back of Hotsuma free hand that was hanging by his side.
Hotsuma finally turned his head and Shusei disliked the amount of anxiety he saw in his partner’s eyes.
Shusei nodded towards the park entrance. “Come on.”
He turned and started walking, relieved when he heard Hotsuma’s footsteps behind him.
The park managed to be a quiet haven in the harsh and boisterous city, its jarring noises and strange smells transformed into the calming sounds of the wind rustling leaves and the fresh smell of grass and earth. Not far along the shaded path, there was a little alcove carved into the bushes containing an empty bench covered in scattered sunlight from the tree canopy above.
Shusei sat down and Hotsuma settled down next to him. During their short walk, Hotsuma’s face had found a new crestfallen expression that made Shusei’s chest tighten unpleasantly.
“What’s wrong, Hotsuma? You haven’t been your usual self recently.”
Shusei made sure to keep the tone of his voice light so Hotsuma couldn’t mistake it for being annoyed or accusatory. Shusei frowned when his eyes were drawn to Hotsuma’s hands and he saw that were closing into fists atop his thighs, crumpling the material of his pants.
Hotsuma’s mouth fell open and Shusei waited for his answer but Hotsuma bit back any words, pursing his lips shut.
“Nothing,” he mumbled quietly. “I’m fine.”
Shusei couldn’t help the sigh that left him. He wasn’t disappointed in Hotsuma, he just hoped Hotsuma didn’t think that sharing what was on his mind would be a burden to Shusei.
That’s what partners were for.
Shusei also wished that Hotsuma wouldn’t make himself suffer in silence, alone.
“It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me but I’m always right next to you, whenever you need me.”
Shusei was aiming to bring Hotsuma comfort with his words, but he seemed to do the opposite. Hotsuma leant back against the bench, sighing heavily, the frown already etched on his face only deepened.
“It’s not that I don’t want to tell you—” Hotsuma began but his sentence trailed off into silence and he didn’t continue.
The tension that hung in the air was palpable. Shusei knew, and was afraid, that if Hotsuma didn’t talk to him about it now, he wouldn’t talk about it at all.
Just as Shusei was going to try and fill the silence between them again, Hotsuma suddenly continued speaking.
“I don’t know— I shouldn’t be thinking stuff like this—” Hotsuma was quiet, as if he was wondering to himself out loud rather than talking to Shusei.
“What do you mean?” Shusei asked, turning in his seat to face Hotsuma more directly.
Hotsuma tipped his head to the side and Shusei was taken aback by the amount of pain in Hotsuma’s expression as he looked back at Shusei. It made him want to reach out and hold Hotsuma close. Even as the thought crossed Shusei’s mind, Hotsuma was already leaning towards him.
Hotsuma’s forehead landed softly against Shusei’s chest, his arms wrapping loosely around Shusei’s waist.
Shusei was stunned for a moment, surprised and slightly unnerved by Hotsuma’s behaviour. No matter what his own worries were though, they didn’t stop one of his hands coming up to rest on Hotsuma’s back, the other threading through Hotsuma’s hair.
“I don’t know if I can fight anymore, Shusei,” Hotsuma murmured into his chest, just loud enough for Shusei to hear, sounding like he was in pain. “I don’t want to lose you again. I can’t lose you again.”
Hearing how fearful Hotsuma was instantly made Shusei’s heart ache, his arms tightening reflexively around Hotsuma.
Shusei knew he needed to choose his words carefully.
Shusei already intimately knew what it felt like to give up. He knew Hotsuma was already acquainted with that feeling as well.
The past had not been kind to either of them and the future looked dubious at the best of times. But even though Hotsuma’s words resonated deeply in Shusei, the same sort of feelings constantly buried at the back of his mind, Shusei knew that you can’t let your life be shaped by doubts or you risk being controlled by them entirely.
“I know, Hotsuma, I know,” Shusei finally said. “It may not seem like it, but I know that it’s different this time. I feel it. This could be the last time we need to fight. Don’t give up when the end may be so close.”
Shusei didn’t consider it a bad thing that he was also trying to convince himself of the same thing. He understood how tired Hotsuma was, more than he could probably ever admit to himself, but he did also truly believe it would be over soon. That putting an end to the threat once and for all was a real possibility this time.
When Hotsuma remained silent, Shusei knew that he still needed some convincing. At least there was a part of Hotsuma that still had hope.
Shusei needed to say, or do something, that would lay Hotsuma’s doubts to rest.
There was something he could do.
He had been thinking about it, wanting to do it, for a while actually. Picking the right moment however, had been harder than Shusei had imagined.
“Look at me,” Shusei said softly. The hand on Hotsuma’s head moved along his jaw to tilt the tip of his chin up towards Shusei.
Shusei pressed his lips to the line of Hotsuma’s mouth.
He felt Hotsuma jolt in surprise in his arms, but it only took a short moment before Hotsuma leaned into the kiss, parting his lips for Shusei.
Their first kiss may not have been the direct product of romance, but the vaguely familiar sensation of each other’s lips was a much-needed comfort.
It was tender, but not hesitant, and Shusei felt as if long ago memories hidden in his mind were being awakened.
Shusei’s chest felt warm from the swell of emotions that had begun to build the moment he met Hotsuma’s lips. He almost didn’t want it to end, content to let the moment continue for as long as they both had air in their lungs, but Shusei pulled away before resting his forehead against Hotsuma’s own.
Hotsuma’s breaths were leaving him slightly faster, his cheeks dusted a light red and his eyes frozen on Shusei’s lips. Hotsuma’s gaze returned to his eyes when Shusei started speaking again.
“I can’t say what the future holds in store for us, whether we’ll be fortunate or not. But we have now, Hotsuma, so enjoy the time we do get to share.”
Hotsuma stared back at him with wide eyes, his eyebrows crinkling in a way that told Shusei he was beginning to think about it too much again. Over complicate things.
“Aren’t I enough for you?” Shusei joked as his hand cupped Hotsuma’s cheek, his thumb stroking soothing patterns across the other’s skin.
Hotsuma closed his eyes to the touch, the corner of his mouth turning up in a small smile before splitting into a bright grin.
“You’re right,” Hotsuma sighed, placing his hand over the one Shusei was already holding against his face. “You’re always right.”
Hotsuma leant across the space between them to meet Shusei’s lips again with a firmer kiss. Shusei easily gave into a warm smile when he felt Hotsuma’s arm around him draw him in closer.
Shusei struggled not to laugh when Hotsuma pulled away again and he started to blush after realising that he had kissed Shusei so easily without thinking, purely on instinct.
Shusei wasn’t sure if how effortlessly cute Hotsuma managed to be sometimes was a curse or a blessing. Hotsuma decided to forget his shyness and laughed, the smile on his face turning into the dazzling one Shusei adored seeing. The one he would never be tired of seeing.
It was definitely a blessing, Shusei decided.
As they were retracing their steps back to the park’s entrance, Hotsuma took up the space beside him and slipped his hand into Shusei’s. Shusei gazed back fondly at his one and only partner, shifting his hand in Hotsuma’s grip so that he could intertwine their fingers.
Even though the future was uncertain, the warmth they could feel from each other’s hands and smiles was a sort of promise that, for now at least, they were alive, together, and within each other’s reach. And that was enough.