Chapter Text
"Come on, buddy, just tell me what's going on," Jackson asked as he hurriedly followed Jinyoung to the waiting room, where Jinyoung slumped down on the couch and took out his phone.
He was scrolling randomly and in agitation, his eyes glaring towards the phone yet not seeming to be looking at anything in particular. It was as if his mind were somewhere else, and he was trying his best to distract himself from it.
Jackson, who speedily sat beside him, reached over and placed a hand on his shoulder, attempting to snap him out of it. He spoke his next words very gently, hoping it would get him to open up this time.
"Come on, Jinyoung-ah, tell me what's really going on."
Jinyoung didn't move an inch or even blink. Actually, if Jackson didn’t know any better, he would’ve assumed that he didn’t hear him. But he knew him well enough to recognize the subtle signs.
Like how even though he was sitting very still, he could hear his hard breathing from his nostrils and see his stomach quickly rising and falling from beneath his shirt. He could tell that Jinyoung was trying his best to hold in his emotions.
Building up a wall around him and not letting anyone in… it was what he did whenever he felt like breaking down.
And that was what worried Jackson the most. He'd rather have the petty, grudge-holding Jinyoung any day over this Jinyoung. Or even a Jinyoung who screamed at him to leave him alone and pushed him back when he was bothered. But this Jinyoung that would rather keep to himself and hold everything in was much more concerning. Because it meant that something was really wrong.
"You miss him, don't you?" he finally asked with a careful tone, not wanting to upset him further. "You haven't seen him for 6 months straight since the time he enliste-“
"I'm fine," Jinyoung muttered under his breath, as he unconsciously twiddled with his thumbs over the phone.
But if he had even bothered to look, he would've seen Jackson's sarcastic "seriously??" expression on his face.
"Jinyoung-ah! First, you lose a lot of weight and barely eat anything. Then, you don't talk or joke with us like you normally would, and now you suddenly snap at Youngjae and Yugyeom and come rushing in here to cool down? You need to talk to me-"
"You know what, you're right," Jinyoung suddenly got up to leave. "That was too far and I should go apologize to them-“
But even if Jinyoung felt that way, it was more likely that he just wanted to escape. To escape from opening up about his feelings. The hardest thing for Jinyoung to do was open up about his feelings.
And Jackson knew it perfectly. He caught his wrist in mid-air and pulled him back on the couch.
"Hey! Talk to me!"
At that, Jinyoung finally faced him, and for the first time since following him to the room, Jackson could really see the sincere, vulnerable look on his face. His eyes were faded and his pseudo smile couldn’t cover up how broken he looked. It actually highlighted it more.
It didn't help that he also looked unwell from how little he'd been taking care of himself lately. Jinyoung, the one who was best known for maintaining himself and looking clean-cut, now had two hollow circles under his eyes, and sunken cheeks that took the place of his usual dimples.
Seeing Jinyoung look like he was a poke from completely breaking down made Jackson's heart ache tightly.
Jinyoung bit on his lower lip that was starting to quiver, and dropped his face again. A tear slipped off his long lower lashes and landed on his fidgeting fingers below.
"You know... the truth is, ever since he enlisted, nothing’s felt real."
Although he was speaking calmly, Jackson could still hear the strain in his voice from the tight, painful lump in his throat. He already had no idea what kind of consolation he could provide to him for something that only needed patience, but he knew he couldn’t just leave him.
Jinyoung sniffed softly and continued.
"All these concerts that we’ve been having around the world… even the solo albums we each got to make and perform on stage. It all doesn’t- I just don't-..."
Jinyoung took a deep breath before going again, forcing his throat to relax, and his voice to stop cracking.
"I'm supposed to be excited, I'm supposed to enjoy these concerts... I just feel so bad for the fans. They come to our shows pouring their hearts out and giving us support and love, and what do I do in return? I lie to them... I pretend that I’m happy enough to see them, but I'm not being honest. I'm faking it all the time and they don't deserve that. In reality, I am just-"
Jinyoung raised his arms and shook his head, showing Jackson what he couldn’t put into words. Jackson nodded, fully understanding what he was trying to say. Even though Jinyoung wasn’t crying out loud or talking between short sobs, watching his tears fall silently down his face made Jackson’s empathetic eyes fill up with his own tears.
He reached behind Jinyoung and started rubbing his back. Jinyoung probably didn’t notice, though.
"Nothing has felt meaningful without him here," he finally confessed.
"It's like, what's even the point of dancing on stage or winning awards when I'm not sharing those precious moments with him? For almost half our lives, we haven't missed a single life event of each other's. I’m so used to having him beside me all the time, laughing with him, crying with him, running to him for advice or comfort whenever I felt scared,” Jinyoung swallowed from his drying throat. “He’s… my home.” His voice went up at the end there.
Jackson nodded, but didn’t try to interrupt at all. That was exactly what he wanted anyway, for Jinyoung to finally vent out after months of holding it all in and pretending to be okay.
“Even more than that,” he heard Jinyoung shyly mumble, more to himself than to anyone else. “He’s my life.”
Jackson’s silence assured Jinyoung that he wanted him to continue.
“I could go on and on about what he means to me but nobody would understand,” he gestured with his hands, a tone of frustration hinted in his voice.
“We’d stay up for hours. Talking about anything and everything. I’d tell him what I'm going through, he’d tell me what he's going through.. even when we sat together in silence, it felt peaceful and safe… I never felt alone. And now that he's away... I feel... I feel," he gestured with his hands to try to find the right word.
"-empty," Jackson finished it for him.
But Jinyoung had been so caught up in his own words that Jackson’s response snapped him out of it. He didn’t realize how much he had revealed. He suddenly felt embarrassed, and froze up with a faint shade of strawberry red on his cheeks.
"I know I'm being so dramatic, I'm sorry…” He dropped his head down again, his tear-stained cheeks now matching the color of his plump rosy lips. A subtle, embarrassed smile formed on his face.
“It’s not like he’s dead, God forbid, or like I haven't seen him in years… It's only been 6 months but..” He mumbled with pouty lips, making Jackson smile a little. He remembered Jaebeom telling him something about Jinyoung looking cute when he's pouty.
“And I know in a couple more months he will get a break and I will get to see him for a few days. So I’m just being dramatic and overreacting, Seun-ah, you don’t need to listen to this-“
“Hey, look at me,” Jinyoung felt a hand firmly grab onto his shoulder and shake it until it got him to make eye-contact. “You are not over-reacting, okay?”
Jinyoung’s uncertain eyes met Jackson’s re-assuring ones, and went back and forth between them to try to read between the lines. He glanced up at his hairline, a habit he had whenever he listened to someone.
“I’m… not?”
“No, you’re not. Jinyoung-ah, why do you think I call you two Yin-Yang? I don’t do it just for jokes or to tease you guys.”
At that, Jinyoung chuckled, but Jackson kept going in a serious tone.
“You two are the best examples of two forces that perfectly complete each other.” He brought his hands together to make them fit perfectly. “In Chinese philosophy, we believe that every force has an opposite and equal force that is created to complement it. Like how there is the sun and the moon, summer and winter, fire and water, and so on.”
“Which one am I?” Jinyoung interrupted, smirking at him. “Yin or Yang?”
“Huh-,” Jackson was suddenly caught off-guard and paused for a second to think. “Definitely one of the two,” he confidently answered, followed by a high-note giggle, making Jinyoung laugh the most he had in a long time. Suddenly, his pseudo-expertise was exposed.
“I’m kidding, I’m kidding!” He yelled out between short laughs, but Jinyoung was leaning on his friend’s shoulder, eyes creasing. “I am Chinese, but not the original philosopher, okay?? Stop laughing!” He said as he pointed at him, but in actuality, he was relieved to hear him laugh again. It was like music to his ears. And best of all, he was the one who made it happen.
“Anyway, these forces are supposed to complement each other, just like you two always do. While you immediately take on anything as it comes, JayB hyung sits back and thoroughly plans it out first. While he scopes out the entire room at once to control the scene as the leader, you focus on each member individually, and observe them one by one.”
Jackson might’ve heard Jinyoung rave about how good his Korean was getting, but he just kept going. He didn’t want to lose his point, not right now.
“-While he gets agitated easily, you help calm him down, and while you lose confidence in yourself easily, he helps reassure you. I could go on and on. My point is, not having him here, I’m sure it’s like only having half of your soul… It doesn’t work.”
“You’re right…” Jinyoung rubbed his pants as he let out a big sigh. “As cliché as it may sound, Jaebeomie and I are one. We can’t be separated for too long. I guess I just didn’t know it would affect me this much.”
“And that’s why I told JYPnim that he was crazy when he came into the room and announced that he wouldn’t let you two enlist together,” Jackson said, with a sudden passion.
“I still can’t believe you did that,” Jinyoung said, with a soft smile, yet kind of proud. “And you encouraged Yugyeom and Bambam to stand up to him too. Even Youngjae and Mark were defending us. Basically, only JayB and I were the quiet and compliant ones. We weren’t thrilled about it either, but we were at least considering it for the good of the group.”
“Yeah,” Jackson said, with a proud smirk on his face. “You two need to stop being so polite to him. I could kick his ass!” Jackson yelled out. Jinyoung immediately bit his lip and grabbed Jackson’s upper arm while looking towards the door, with a silent expression that meant ‘are you out of your mind!?’
“He’s not here, and I’m just saying…” Jackson shrugged.
“Anyway, we weren’t scared, Seun-ah, we just understood where he was coming from. He was looking at it from a business point-of-view, and as the two original members of the group, so were we. If both Jaebeomie hyungie and I left at the same time, the group could’ve lost too many fans. We didn’t want to hurt you all because of our own selfish reasons.”
“Nah,” Jackson scoffed. “If they were true fans, they would’ve waited anyway. He just cared about the profit coming in for him, Jinyoung-ah.”
“That may be so. But still… he had a rational reason. If both of us had left at the same time, who was going to tend to the group? It would’ve been chaotic! I can barely manage you guys by myself! Imagine if I weren’t here!”
“Yeah yeah…” Jackson grumbled as he looked away and Jinyoung laughed at how easily he let him have that point. Usually, they wouldn’t stop bantering for hours, even just for fun.
Suddenly, a staff member opened the door and let them know that it was time to go on stage.
“Wow, 20 minutes passed already?”
“Wow,” Jinyoung added, checking his watch.
“Anyway,” Jackson turned to Jinyoung and placed his hand on his shoulder again. “You don’t have to hide your feelings, Jinyoung-ah. You can be honest with your fans.”
Jinyoung let out a sigh as his shoulders slumped. He remembered his dilemma again.
“They don’t deserve that, Jackson. If I’m not happy, they won’t be happy. It shows through the performance, no matter what. And they wait months if not years for a day like that to come. I can’t ruin it for them. I can’t.”
“Yeah, but they wouldn’t be any happier if they saw through your act, too, buddy. And they’re not stupid. They know you. They know how much Jaebeom hyung means to you and how hard this must be for you. For the whole group.”
Jackson waited for Jinyoung to respond but Jinyoung didn’t know what to say to that. He continued.
“Plus, I think it might even make them happier to see your real emotions.”
“What do you mean?” Jinyoung asked.
“Don’t fans love it so much when they see how much you two care for each other? Doesn't Jaebeom hyung always send you their edits and stuff?”
“Yeah?”
“Then I think they’d be touched to see how much you miss him. They’d appreciate your ment more if you didn’t hold yourself back.”
At that, Jinyoung was speechless because Jackson gave him a new perspective that he hadn’t considered before.
With a satisfied puppy grin and a pat on Jinyoung’s thigh, Jackson got up to leave, but Jinyoung stopped him.
“Thanks for talking to me, Seun-ah. It really helped a lot, venting out to you,” he smiled at him with big, reflective brown eyes. “I don’t know what I would do without you, Jackson.”
Jackson smiled at him cutely and pulled him into a tight hug. “You’d die.”
Jinyoung chuckled in his arms.
“Anytime, buddy,” Jackson said. “Now let’s go!” He yelled out as he hit the other’s butt before rushing up the stairs that lead to the stage.
Jinyoung grinned and quickly followed behind him.
He found Youngjae and Yugyeom on the stage during rehearsal, waving to the fans. He stood between them and hung his arms around each shoulder, whispering something in their ears. His arm was hanging especially higher around the much taller maknae. The way the other two smiled showed that they were not upset at him and accepted his apology. The three waved at the fans together, before the rest of the members joined them on stage, and the fans cheered for them to start.
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The Next Day
“Hyung! I missed you!” Jackson excitedly yelled out on his phone. Another voice could be heard from the other line.
“I missed you too, Seun-ah! How are you? How are all the others?”
“They’re good too, Hyung! But I don’t get it… I thought you weren’t allowed to use your phone until you get your break.”
“Ah that’s true, I usually wouldn’t be. But I’ve been doing my service so well lately that I already got promoted and they’ll allow me to have my break earlier!”
At that, Jackson’s eyes widened. Jaebeom continued.
“And how is Jinyoungie doing, I missed that little rascal. I’ve been calling him over and over but he won't answer. I’m dying to hear his voice.”
“Oh…” Jackson shook his head as if JayB could see it. “He must be sleeping still.”
“What?” JayB yelled out in a skeptical tone, as if he were wondering if he heard him right. “Our Jinyoungie?? Sleeping still? In the afternoon?”
“I know, I know…” Jackson sighed, knowing full-well how strange it sounded. Especially since they were talking about The Jinyoung, the one who constantly over-worked and hated taking any kind of rest. If all of the members were struggling and didn’t have it together, Jinyoung always would. It was wild to think that depression could change someone so much.
“Tell me really, Jackson, is he sick? Did he get hurt on stage? I don’t know why but I keep getting the sense that he isn't feeling well. I’ve been worried.”
“You could say that…” Jackson muttered under his breath. “Hyung, does that mean you’re on break today?”
“Yeah, I’m heading to my parents’ house right now. Jackson, you’re worrying me. What’s wrong with him?”
“Hyung, I think we should pull a surprise on him. It would make him really happy again.”
“But how?” JayB asked. “You guys are in Thailand now, aren’t you? That’s why I can’t visit you today.”
“Yeah, but we’re coming back to Korea tomorrow and doing a fansign. We could pull the biggest surprise on him on it! He doesn’t know that you’re getting your break early so he won’t see it coming at all! Think about it Hyung, it would be amazing! The only thing is if you’d be willing to go and be under the spotlight again.”
JayB paused for a short moment.
“Ok I’m in. Tell me your plan.”
Jackson smirked.
(To be continued…)