Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When Lawrence woke up, it took him a moment to realise where he was. The lights were blinding and he was so cold, but then he felt him, heard his cries, and he realised he was back in the bathroom. Adam was desperately clinging to him, begging him not to leave him, his bloodied hands pulling at his shirt as broken sobs continued to escape his throat. Lawrence knew that he needed to go and get help, except he knew this story all too well. It'd been years since this day, yet he remembered it as though it were mere minutes ago. And he couldn't do it again, he wouldn't. He knew that if he didn't go and get help, that he'd bleed out in probably minutes, but he'd rather die in this dingy bathroom than leave Adam again, knowing that he was the reason he died, that he killed him.

He was cold and shaking and he knew he was coming dangerously close to death, but it was okay, because Adam wouldn't be alone anymore. And he wouldn't be forced to live out the rest of his life with the knowledge that he killed the one person he was able to form a genuine connection with. He was beginning to lose feeling in his body, but he managed to lift his hand to rest on the side of Adam's face, before pressing his head closer to him.

"I won't...leave you." He managed to say, his throat painfully dry and his eyes fighting to stay open.

But with each second that passed, it became almost impossible to keep his eyes open, to keep his eyes focused on Adam. He could feel the darkness descending on him, the man in front of him becoming blurred. So he glanced at him one final time, a weak smile on his face, as he finally allowed his eyes to fall shut. And he was content, because he could rest now, with the weight of Adam's forehead against his, his hands still clutching his shoulders. But when he opened his eyes again, he wasn't met with the bright lights of the bathroom, and Adam's hands were no longer around him. He was in his dark, lonely apartment, in an empty bed, and he was alone.

Chapter Text

It'd been years since that day, but Lawrence's face had never left him, the image of him crawling out of that door after he promised he'd bring someone back still etched into his mind. He never came back, and the last thing Adam remembered about being in that bathroom was a woman's face. He remembered the terrified look in her eyes as she tried to bring him round. And then the next time he opened his eyes, he was lying in a hospital bed with a broken foot and his arm in a sling.

Now, he was sitting in his tiny apartment, staring at his bedroom wall as he wondered for the hundredth time what could've happened to Lawrence that day. Had he died shortly after leaving the bathroom? Was he alive? It sounded horrible, but he hoped it was the former, because at least that meant that Lawrence didn't just abandon him that day. At least he didn't just leave him alone to die.

Eventually, he gave up staring vacantly at the wall and decided to get up and move his pity party into the living room. He was never going to get any sleep anyway.

He hadn't done much with his life since getting out of that bathroom. He worked day shifts in a convenience store and spent his nights trying and failing not to think about that day. He couldn't even sleep at night without alcohol or medication, because whenever he closed his eyes, he was right back there again, his foot chained to a pipe as he waited in the dark for someone who was never going to arrive.

Everyday, he wished Lawrence were here with him, just so he'd have someone who understood. He knew there were support groups for jigsaw survivors but none of them shared the same opinion as him. They all spoke about how blessed they were that jigsaw chose them, how they were grateful because he changed their life. But that's not how he saw it.

The only reason he was there in the first place was to serve as a pawn in that psycho's plan to test Lawrence. He may have gotten out of that bathroom alive, but he certainly wasn't living. And he was in no way blessed.

He could barely even stand to be in the dark because he was so terrified of it. He spent his days going to work and coming back to a lonely apartment, wishing his cellmate had killed him that day, because he'd rather be dead than live in this constant torment.

Chapter Text

When Lawrence stepped out of his office for what he hoped was the last time today, he breathed a sigh of relief, because whilst he usually was able to make it through the day, today he felt like he was buried under a pile of rocks. Adam's face was even more prominent in his mind, no thanks to the dream he suffered last night. He still found himself wishing he'd died that day, wishing that he'd just never left that bathroom.

But alas, he was here, back where he thought he belonged, hiding himself behind a status. A word that meant nothing to him anymore. How could he be seen as a doctor when he left a man to die alone all those years ago? If people knew what he did, they certainly wouldn't be looking at him with the respect they do now.

Just as he was about to make it to the doors, he froze when he spotted someone lazily leaning over the reception desk, seemingly frustrated as he continued to bother the woman sitting on the other side. He must've finally gone mad, because how could he be seeing that face right there, in the very hospital he worked at?

He didn't even have time to think about what he was doing before he found himself walking over there, the old wound in his chest becoming more painful than ever as he approached the familiar face just metres away from him. And he felt like he might just collapse when he heard the receptionist say his name.

"Mr Stanheight, we can't legally provide you with any more medication. I'm sorry."

"Look, I just need enough for like one more week, okay? Please, you don't understand." He pleaded, the frustration evident in his voice as he leaned even further over the desk.

Lawrence understood, probably better than anyone in this hospital, which is why he finally allowed himself to speak. "Is everything okay over here?"

The receptionist simply offered him a reassuring smile before looking back at Adam. "Everything's fine, Doctor Gordon. Nothing to worry about."

And it was when he heard that name that Adam finally turned around, his eyes widening slightly as he stared at the man in front of him, the man he hoped was long since dead. He didn't even have time to react before Lawrence was suggesting he come into his office so they can work something out, and he didn't know what else to do so he simply nodded, before reluctantly following him back to his office.

Lawrence was struggling to keep his composure as he closed the door, watching as Adam sat down in the seat in front of his desk. He didn't even know what to do. Should he simply approach him like a patient? An old friend? A fellow survivor? Neither of those options seemed appropriate, so he simply opted to just sit down in his chair, watching nervously as Adam fiddled with his hands on the table.

"You're alive." Lawrence finally said after a long moment of silence.

"So are you." Adam answered, his voice cold and detached as he kept his gaze trained on his hands.

There were so many things Lawrence wanted to say to him, but all he could do was sit there, forcing himself to take in his appearance, as he tried to block out the memories from the last time they were in a room together. He looked older, tired. He looked like a ghost. He wondered what he'd been doing all these years. Had he been alone like him? Did he have someone to go home to? Did he have a place he could call home?

"So, are you gonna give me the pills then?" Adam suddenly asked, pulling Lawrence away from his thoughts.

"I don't know if I can."

Adam just offered him a heavy sigh then before getting up from his chair. "Vodka it is then."

"Adam, wait."

He didn't wait. He was out that door before Lawrence could utter another word, leaving him sitting alone with so many unspoken words left lingering on his tongue.

Chapter Text

Adam's world felt like it was crumbling as he sat on the edge of his couch, his head in his hands and his half drained bottle of vodka at his feet. He was still struggling to even process what had happened at the hospital. Lawrence was alive, he had been all this time, and he'd just slipped back into his same old routine, whereas Adam was left to waste away in this shitty apartment. He probably hadn't given Adam a single thought these past few years.

Just as he was about to reach for his bottle again, there was a knock at the door, which was odd, considering he didn't often get visitors. But when he got up to answer it, he opened the door to find Lawrence standing there, and this was the first time he noticed the cane at his side.

"What'd you want?" He asked, his voice cold as he turned and stumbled back over to the couch, Lawrence following behind him.

Lawrence paused for a moment before finally speaking. "I needed to see you."

"Well you've seen me now, so you can get out."

"Adam." Lawrence tried to say, his heart clenching in his chest everytime he looked at his former cellmate. He didn't really know why he was here. He just knew that there was no way he could never see him again after he walked out of his office.

"What'd you want, Lawrence?" Adam repeated, the exhaustion evident in his voice as he sat down.

This was the first time Adam had said his name since the last time they were together, and it felt like a kick to the chest for both of them. Because the last time that name had passed Adam's lips was when he was begging Lawrence not to leave him. It was what Lawrence had heard every night since that day, and it never became any less painful.

"If you're not leaving, will you at least sit down?" Adam suddenly spoke, bringing Lawrence's attention back to the present. "I don't particularly want you here, but I don't want you to hurt yourself."

He did as he said, awkwardly sitting down next to him on the small couch. He wasn't sure what to do next. Yes, he'd spent everyday wishing that Adam was alive, but he'd never even considered the possibility that he might see him again. That he might find himself sitting just inches away from him like he was now.

But after sitting there in an uncomfortable silence for a while, attempting to think of some sort of neutral ground, he remembered something.

"Do you want a cigarrette?" He asked, carefully pulling the unopened pack of cigarrettes out of his coat pocket and holding them out to Adam.

Adam let out a humourless laugh, the corners of his mouth turning up ever so slightly as he looked at the box in Lawrence's hand. "Do you even smoke?"

"Not really."

Adam simply chuckled before taking the box from him and pulling out a cigarrette. "Thanks."

Lawrence watched on as Adam quickly lit it, his eyes falling shut as he took a long drag. He wasn't particularly happy about fuelling Adam's need for those things, but it seemed to be the only thing that had reduced the tension in the room.

And whilst Adam appreciated the gesture, he still wasn't going to let up, however difficult it was proving to be. Yes, he hated that Lawrence had managed to find some kind of normality in his life after their ordeal. But he couldn't ignore the burning desire to just reach out and touch him, to finally prove to himself that this was real, that he was here. It may have been many years too late, but he was here.

He continued to focus his attention on the cigarrette between his lips, despite the fact that Lawrence was sitting right beside him, but he was struggling to push down the emotion building in his chest. The unwanted feelings were beginning to claw their way up his throat and the cigarrette in his mouth wasn't going to be enough to stop them. So he eventually put it down, leaving it on the old ash tray on the end table, before turning to Lawrence, who's lips were slightly parted as though he was just about to say something.

But before Lawrence could say anything, Adam pretty much collapsed at his side, his head landing heavily on his shoulder. Adam wasn't sure if he was actually upset or if he was just drunk, but either way, he couldn't keep pretending he was fine, or that he didn't want Lawrence here. He did want him here. He'd been wishing for this very thing for years, because he was the only person out there who could even begin to understand what he went through. Possibly what he was still going through.

But it soon became apparent to him that Lawrence didn't feel the same, because he was already squirming beside him, looking very uncomfortable as he attempted to sit forward.

"Maybe I should just go." He started to say. "I didn't mean to intrude."

He probably should've just let Lawrence go, because there was no way either of them would ever be able to come back from what had happened, but instead he found himself desperately gripping onto his shirt collar, broken sobs rising up his throat as he tried to speak.

"Please." He choked out. "Don't leave me."

And just like that, Lawrence was right back in the bathroom, Adam's broken cries filling his ears as he begged him not to leave. And so he had to make a choice. Was he going to leave him alone tonight in this crappy apartment? Or was he going to stay?

Chapter Text

The next morning came far too soon and Adam was met with the painful silence of an empty room, the only thing to accompany him was a dull headache and a forgotten bottle of vodka...and a coat he didn't recognise draped over his shoulders.

Last night was slightly hazy, but he could vividly recall the hugely embarrassing show he had displayed shortly before passing out. The memory of him pathetically begging Lawrence not to leave him flashed behind his eyes, and he'd never been more desperate for the ground to swallow him up.

He sat forward on the couch before reaching for the half full bottle of vodka at his feet. But before he could bring it to his lips, a familiar voice pierced the silence, turning his attention away from the alcohol and towards the man standing outside the bathroom door.

"So you're not dead then." Lawrence muttered, briefly turning his gaze to the floor before looking back at Adam.

"Not yet." Adam responded, setting the bottle back at his feet as Lawrence approached him.

It was then that he quickly removed the coat from around his shoulders and handed it to Lawrence, who took it from him in silence before starting towards the door.

"You don't have to go, ya know." Adam found himself saying, once Lawrence's hand was on the door handle. "I mean, I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to see me again, but you don't have to go."

"I have to get home."

"To your wife?" Adam questioned, attempting to mask the disappointment in his voice.

"I actually got divorced." Lawrence admitted. "Years ago."

"Can I ask why?"

Lawrence sighed, his shoulders seeming to sag a little as he spoke. "She didn't like the person I had become after...well, you know."

"There was no one else?"

"There was never anyone else." Lawrence replied, although he wasn't referring to his wife.

The truth was, after the ordeal, Lawrence had tried to reconnect with Alison, to make things work. But he was never able to rid Adam from his thoughts. He seemed to follow him everywhere, and the guilt was consuming him. Alison was right to divorce him, because he'd become merely a hollowed out version of himself.

A part of him died that day in the bathroom, but it seemed it had been with Adam the entire time, because when Adam collapsed against him last night, it was the first time in years he'd felt whole.

"You should really eat something." Lawrence suddenly suggested, breaking the silence between them.

But Adam simply shook his head, standing up from the couch. "I'm good, but thanks for the suggestion."

"I could go out and get something?"

"Lawrence, I don't need you to get me things, okay? I know I pretty much cried on your shoulder last night, but I don't need your pity." Adam told him, before heading towards the bathroom. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to take a piss."

Lawrence waited until Adam had disappeared into the bathroom before turning and walking out the door. He wasn't planning on being gone for long, but he still felt bad just leaving him again, despite the fact that he'd be back. He just couldn't stand knowing that Adam lived like this. It was clear that he was struggling, but he didn't know how best to help him. Hopefully returning with food would be a good start.

Chapter Text

When Lawrence returned to Adam's apartment less than half an hour later, he was hesitant to knock on the door. It was as though he was scared to face him. Maybe he was, because although he was right in front of him, it still felt like he was miles away.

Eventually he forced himself to knock on the door and Adam answered almost instantly, a mix of both relief and annoyance on his face as he let him in.

"I told you you didn't have to get me anything." Adam sighed, gesturing towards the paper bag in Lawrence's free hand.

"You have to eat." Lawrence reminded him, handing him the bag.

Adam reluctantly took it from him, before slumping down on the couch to see what Lawrence had brought him. He really didn't want to accept this, but once he smelled the bacon in the sandwich Lawrence had given him, it was impossible to refuse.

"Thanks." He mumbled, cautiously taking a bite of the sandwich.

"So...are you okay?" Lawrence suddenly asked, catching Adam off guard. He wasn't expecting him to ask that question.

"I'm fine." He said, attempting to shrug the question off. "You can sit down ya know?"

Adam had noticed the way Lawrence had started to squirm, his prosthetic clearly becoming uncomfortable for him. He didn't know much about them, but he was aware that they could become painful after wearing them for some time, and it appeared Lawrence hadn't had a break from it all night.

"Are you okay?" Adam repeated Lawrence's question back to him, watching as he sat down.

"I'm fine."

"Sorry."

"For what?" Lawrence questioned.

Adam shrugged, taking one final bite of the sandwich before setting it down. "For being such an asshole yesterday. And for having a complete fucking breakdown last night."

"Don't apologise for that. I get it."

"You don't smoke." Adam suddenly said.

"That's right."

"But you gave me a cigarrette last night." Adam recalled. "Why do you have cigarrettes if you don't smoke?"

"I don't know." Lawrence shrugged.

Adam chuckled, shaking his head at him. "You're a terrible liar."

"They reminded me of you." Lawrence finally admitted. "And maybe it was just my way of torturing myself further."

"So you didn't just forget about me?"

"Of course not."

"I know you need to get home, but would you mind staying a little longer? Please?"

There was a pause before Lawrence finally nodded. "Sure, I can stay."

Chapter Text

Lawrence stayed with Adam for the rest of the afternoon, until he had to leave. Adam knew that he couldn't have kept him here forever, except as he laid in bed, anxiety creeping over him once again, he couldn't help wishing that Lawrence was still with him.

He longed for the sound of his voice, because he felt like he was going to go mad without it. He'd had a taste of his company now, and as pathetic as it sounded, he didn't think he'd be able to function without it. And he'd never hated that more.

Earlier today, as Lawrence stood at his door and told him he'd see him tomorrow, Adam felt as though he were on the verge of collapse. Like at any moment, he would drop to his knees and beg the doctor not to leave. He hated how pathetic he'd become, how utterly dependent he was on the man that had left him to rot.

After what felt like an eternity of lying on his back staring up at the ceiling, Adam finally decided there was no use in trying to go to sleep. And so he found himself sitting up, switching off the lamp by his bed and trailing into the living room to once again sit staring mindlessly at the television. He could feel something short of a scream climb up his throat as he sat down on the couch, like he would implode if he didn't have some kind of a reaction to this entire situation.

"Jesus Christ," he sighed, roughly rubbing his eyes as he leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees.

The worst part of all of this was the fact that his life hadn't even changed that dramatically after the trap. He was still living in a shithole apartment, with nothing but his own insanity to keep him company. The only thing that was different was that now, he spent his days haunted by memories of pain and fear, and the man that had left him in the dark - the same man who was now trying everything in his power to make things right.

He felt guilty that he still couldn't truly believe that.

Chapter Text

When Lawrence returned to Adam's apartment the next morning, he wasn't expecting to be met with him stumbling around his living room, an empty bottle of vodka discarded on the couch. He knew that this couldn't be fixed with the snap of a finger, but he thought they'd at least started to get somewhere. It seemed he may have been too optimistic.

"Are you alright?" Although he already knew that Adam wasn't alright, Lawrence asked him anyway, not sure what else to say.

"Do you know how long I waited for you?"

"What?"

"In that damn bathroom," Adam clarified. "Do you know how long I waited before I realised you weren't coming back?"

"I...don't know."

"Too fucking long!" Adam snapped, his voice thick with emotion. "I waited for you. In the dark. Alone. And you never came."

"Don't you think I would've if I could've?" Lawrence fired back, memories of his unlikely rescue flashing through his mind. "When I woke up, I didn't even know where I was. I didn't know where you were and no one was willing to help me. I've spent every second since then wishing that I'd stayed there with you instead of leaving."

Adam sat down on the couch then, a defeated sigh leaving his lips. "You know, I used to pray that you'd died that day, because that was better than knowing that you just went on living your life, while I was left to rot in that room."

Lawrence laughed at that, although there wasn't a hint of humour to his tone. "Is that what you think i've been doing? Living? My life ended that day. I haven't had a single moment of peace since I crawled out of that damn bathroom!"

"Oh, well I'm so sorry for you." Adam mocked, skaking his head at him.

They both remained in silence for a moment then, Adam sitting hunched over on the couch whilst Lawrence stood awkwardly at the door.

Despite the fact that they had just been arguing, all Lawrence wanted to do was hold Adam. He wanted to go over there and simply hold him in his arms. He wanted him to know that regardless of what happened after their trap, that he would never leave him again.

But it seemed Adam just wanted him gone. And rightly so.

"I should go." Lawrence finally said.

But Adam turned to look at him then, tears brimming in his eyes. "You don't have to leave."

"Well I don't know what you want me to do." Lawrence snapped, years of pent up grief and frustration bubbling to the surface. "I don't know what to do, Adam, I really don't. I care about you, okay? And I have spent every single day since I left you, grieving you, wishing I could've gone back--"

"You coulda looked for me, huh? You ever think of that?"

"I thought you were dead, Adam."

"Yeah, well clearly I'm not," he said then, casting his gaze down to his feet. "I kinda wish I was."

Lawrence finally stepped towards him then, taking a seat next to him, the painful reality of everything weighing on him like a pile of bricks. "I'm so sorry I didn't come back for you, and I'm sorry I didn't look for you. I should've done more, I know that."

"Please stay," Adam said then, his voice broken. "I really don't want you to go. I just--I want you here...with me. You're the only person that makes me feel fucking normal."

"I'll stay," Lawrence agreed, laying a hand on Adam's shoulder. "As long as you need me to."

Chapter Text

Adam didn't remember much from the trap, but what he did remember, he sincerely wished he didn't. He'd spent years trying to forget, and for the most part, he was able to distance himself from the trap─from the facts of it at least.

But he could never seem to forget the darkness, and the weight of Lawrence's hand on his face. He could still smell the blood, and he could still feel the gunshot in his shoulder sometimes.

It was these things that haunted him. It was these things that caused him to wake up screaming at night, his skin drenched in sweat and his breath caught in his throat, Lawrence's voice echoing in his ears.

Now, Lawrence was in his apartment, his sorrow so prominent that Adam could feel it himself, like a noose tied around his throat.

He'd asked him to stay, except now he couldn't figure out what to do next. He knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to reach across this couch and hold onto Lawrence until he couldn't anymore. He wanted to keep him here for as long as he could, because Lawrence made him feel normal. He made him feel human.

And however much it hurt to be around him, the odd sense of peace it brought him made it worth it.

"Do you want something to drink?" Adam asked, a pathetic attempt to ease the tension in the room.

"I'm fine, thank you."

"Sorry," he said then, fiddling with his hands in his lap.

"For what?"

He sighed. "For being an asshole. For telling you that I wished you'd died that day."

"It was deserved."

"No, it wasn't," Adam replied, turning to look at Lawrence. "I know what happened wasn't your fault. And I can see that you're trying, I just─God, I don't know."

"I should've stayed with you," Lawrence said then. "I should've never left you in that room."

"If you'd have stayed, you would've died."

"I know."

"You're telling me you would rather have died in there? In that shitty fucking bathroom."

"I would've been with you," Lawrence confessed. "I would've been okay."

Adam didn't know what to say to that. He hadn't expected Lawrence to be so honest, let alone confess something like that.

"Could you...stay here tonight?" Adam asked him then. "I just─"

"Of course."

Chapter Text

The low hum of the TV did nothing to calm Adam's mind, prevent it from wandering to the next room. He'd had to practically force Lawrence to take the bedroom. He rarely had any use for it anyway. The only time he ever got any sleep was when he'd drank enough alcohol to pass out on the couch.

Now, he was lying awake, plagued with thoughts of Lawrence. He hated how much he thought of him.

Even before he'd crashed back into his life, he'd wasted so many nights thinking about him, imagining countless scenarios, most of which involved the doctor's death.

He didn't want Lawrence dead. Really, he didn't. But it was like some part of him still wished for it. Maybe he wished that they'd both died in that bathroom.

Together.

After a while, it became apparent to him that he wasn't going to get any sleep tonight, so he sat up, his eyes wandering to his bedroom. He didn't want to disturb him, but he just couldn't quell the desire to go in there, to seek out his company.

Before he could even get to his feet, however, he heard movement, stiff footsteps followed by the sound of the door opening wider.

"Oh, you're still up?" Lawrence asked, his voice quiet.

"Yeah," Adam sighed, turning his gaze towards the television. "I guess it's pretty hard for me to sleep when I'm not drunk off my ass."

"You might have better luck if you slept in your bed?" Lawrence suggested. "I can't imagine the couch is comfortable for you."

"It's not about comfort."

"Then what is it?"

Adam sighed, his heart growing heavy. "It's...everything. I just─I can never seem to get a moment of peace. Not since that day."

Lawrence stood there in silence for a moment, an ache pulsing through his chest from Adam's admission. He understood how he felt. Although their situations weren't entirely the same, he understood, because he too hadn't gotten a single moment of peace since that day.

He would wake up in a panic, his skin drenched in sweat and Adam's face fresh in his mind, his pleading voice in his ear. He dreamed of the bathroom almost every night. Each time he would make the choice to stay, only to wake up in his lonely bedroom, with Adam remaining but a ghost in his life.

Now he had Adam right in front of him. He was real. Alive.

"Would it help if you weren't sleeping alone?"

Adam turned to look at him. "What?"

"I'm sure that bed could fit the both of us."

Adam thought about it for a moment, the very idea of it making him nervous. But then he nodded, standing up from the couch and following Lawrence into the bedroom.

He stood by the door, watching as Lawrence situated himself in the bed, and then finally, he approached.

But before he could get in the bed, he glanced over at the lamp, anxiety creeping over him without the gentle glow of the bulb to keep him warm.

"Are you alright?" Lawrence asked.

"Yeah, it's just...would you mind if I switched the lamp on?"

"Go ahead," Lawrence answered. "Whatever makes you more comfortable."

He switched the lamp on then, feeling a little more relieved now as he climbed into the bed.

"Thank you," Adam muttered, as he turned over onto his side, Lawrence's presence at his back already seeming to bring him closer to the peace he's been desperate to find.

Chapter Text

Lawrence was mumbling something, quiet sounds of distress filtering into the tiny bedroom. Adam could've swore he'd heard his name pass the doctor's lips. And it didn't take much for him to figure out where Lawrence was.

He wondered if maybe he should've woken him, pulled him out of that place, except he wasn't entirely sure how to deal with these things. He thought he'd read somewhere that it could be dangerous to wake someone from a nightmare like that. Or was that sleepwalking? He wasn't sure.

Either way, it wouldn't matter, because Lawrence suddenly jerked awake, shaky breaths escaping his lips as he sat up.

"Lawrence?" Adam spoke quietly, careful not to startle him. "Lawrence, you okay?"

The doctor was still trying to slow his breathing, his eyes darting frantically around the small bedroom.

"Lawrence," Adam spoke again, this time louder.

"Adam?" He whispered, finally turning his gaze towards him.

Adam reached out to rest a hand on Lawrence's shoulder, his mind flashing back to the last time he'd intentionally touched him like this. When his hands were covered in blood and broken sobs escaped his throat as he begged Lawrence not to leave him.

Adam pulled his hand away.

"Did I wake you?" Lawrence asked.

Adam shook his head. "No, you didn't."

"I'm sorry," Lawrence said. "I...have dreams, sometimes."

Adam hesitated. "About...the trap?"

"Yes."

Adam sat there in silence for a moment, watching the doctor carefully. He had so many things he wanted to say to him, to ask him, but only one question waited on his tongue. "Was I there? In your dream."

Lawrence looked at him, a kind of sadness in his eyes. "Yeah, you were. You're always there."

Adam didn't know what to say to that. He had an idea of the version of him Lawrence saw. It was the same thing he'd had to relive every day since. His own desperation from that day haunted him, the fear still coursing through his veins.

And the feeling of Lawrence's hand on his face, cold fingers stroking his cheek.

Without thinking, he reached out, the palm of his hand gently resting against the doctor's face. Lawrence didn't pull away, instead leaning into the touch, a relieved breath pushing past his lips.

"We're gonna be okay," Adam spoke softly, rubbing his thumb against Lawrence's face. "I promise."

Chapter Text

Lawrence was still asleep when Adam got up the next morning. In all honesty, Adam had barely even closed his eyes, instead choosing to spend his night looking between the warm glow of the lamp and Lawrence's sleeping form. The only reason he was up currently was because he needed to take a piss.

Once he stepped into the bathroom, he stood there a moment, staring at the open door. He hadn't been able to use the bathroom with the door closed since the trap. The second he heard the dreaded click, it sent a shock of panic through his body.

Except he didn't have Lawrence then, and he was desperate to take a step towards normality.

He closed the door.

But the second he heard the click, he could feel it. The sweat on his palms and the rapid beating of his heart. A distant gunshot sounded in his ears and the stench of blood forced its way down his throat.

He was choking.

He couldn't breathe.

"Lawrence?" He whimpered, his hand roughly clutching his chest as he slid down the wall.

The darkness was converging on him as he sat huddled against the wall, panicked breaths escaping his throat, tears burning his eyes.

He thought he could hear Lawrence's voice.

But Lawrence was gone.

He left.

"Lawrence!" Adam cried again, the image of the doctor's pale face piercing his mind. "Lawrence....Lawrence─"

Strong hands curled around his shoulders, and he heard Lawrence's voice again, this time closer. He felt like he was being held underwater.

"Lawrence?" He choked, reaching out to touch the blurred figure in front of him. "Lawrence─"

The doctor was crouched in front of him, hands roaming up to grip Adam's face. "Adam? It's alright, everything's going to be okay."

Adam was breathing frantically as he desperately clutched Lawrence's shirt, tears streaming down his face.

"Adam, listen to me," Lawrence spoke, trying to keep his voice from trembling. "I'm right here with you. It's okay. Just breathe."

───

It was only minutes later that Adam was sitting beside Lawrence on the couch, the muffled chatter of the news channel feeling far too loud in his ears, his body feeling distant somehow─like he was floating outside of himself.

"Adam," Lawrence said quietly, reaching a tentative hand out to rest on his shoulder. "Are you okay?"

Adam shook his head, sighing. "No."

The two sat in silence then, Lawrence's hand never moving from Adam's shoulder. Adam's eyes were bloodshot and puffy, tears still staining his cheeks. It broke Lawrence's heart to see Adam so defeated─so broken. And he didn't know how to help him.

"I don't know what happened," Adam mumbled.

"You had a panic attack," Lawrence simply said, unsure.

"No, I know that. I just─I thought I'd be over this by now."

"It's okay to struggle, you know."

Adam turned to look at Lawrence, nothing but pain in his eyes. "I can't take a piss with the door closed. Do you know how fucking pathetic that is?"

"Adam, it's not pathetic," he told him, trailing his hand up to cup the side of his face. "What you went through, it was horrific, and the fact that you're still here is admirable. Who cares if you can't go to the bathroom with the door closed?"

"I care."

"Adam, listen to me." Lawrence turned his body towards Adam then, his hand still pressed against his face. "You're still here. Think about that. You're here, and you're trying. That's all that matters."

As Adam looked at Lawrence─felt the touch of his warm hand on his face─time seemed to slow down. The air around him seemed to thicken, and at first, he thought he was going to have another panic attack. But this was different.

His heart wasn't beating rapidly against his ribcage out of panic, it was something else, something oddly comforting.

Before he could give it so much as a second thought, he found himself leaning towards Lawrence, his lips catching his in a gentle kiss. The touch was so featherlight he wasn't sure it had even happened.

And when Adam pulled back, he was surprised to find the doctor was still in front of him. He was surprised he was even still in the room.

He was on the verge of an apology when Lawrence reached for him, his fingers skating along Adam's jaw as he kissed him. Adam shifted closer to him, his hand curling around the back of Lawrence's neck, quiet breaths being passed between them.

Adam's heart was still thumping loudly inside his chest, but he didn't mind. He didn't care. His hand was threaded in Lawrence's hair as he pressed himself even closer to him, their lips moving tenderly against each other.

It was when Adam reached for the buttons on Lawrence's shirt that the doctor flinched away, a regretful look in his eyes as he sat there, catching his breath. "Adam─we can't."

"What?" Adam hadn't meant for the word to come out so broken, but he couldn't help it. He thought things were fine between them, or at least somewhere close to it.

Lawrence paused a moment, his lips forming a line as he thought about what to say. "I just─I worry that you might not know exactly what it is you want right now."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Adam scoffed, shifting away from Lawrence now. "I know what I want, and it was that."

"It's just─you're upset, and I don't want to take advantage─"

"Take advantage? Are you fucking kidding me?" Adam laughed, humourless. "I'm a fucking adult, Lawrence. I can make my own decisions."

"I should probably go," Lawrence said then, standing up.

"Yeah, you should."

The last thing Lawrence said before he left were the words "I'm sorry", and then he was gone.

Adam was alone once more.

Chapter Text

A cheap bottle of vodka was folded under Adam's arm as he left the local convenience store that night, his argument with Lawrence still fresh in his mind. He didn't want Lawrence to leave this morning, but he couldn't stop himself from practically forcing him out.

He stood on the edge of the sidewalk, watching the cars that passed him, their headlights burning his tired eyes. He didn't want to go back to his apartment, not now that he knew he'd only be met with silence─that crushing sense of loneliness that he was so familiar with.

He crossed the road, the thought of standing there for a car to hit him briefly crossing his mind. He didn't want to die, that much he knew.

He wanted Lawrence.

But he couldn't see a scenario in which he could have Lawrence. The pain of the trap would forever be looming over them, reminding them that they were merely ghosts.

They weren't the same people they had been all those years ago. They had died in that bathroom. Now, they were just tortured souls attempting to figure out how to live.

Adam had spent every day since getting out of the trap trying to do exactly that─live. To learn how to breathe again.

Lawrence made him feel alive. He made him feel like he could finally breathe.

He needed him.

Adam soon found himself in an alleyway, and so he decided to just sit himself down next to a dumpster, his fingers already fumbling with the cap of the bottle, clumsily unscrewing it.

He felt sick as he brought the bottle to his lips, the alcohol burning his throat.

He was supposed to die in that bathroom. It really was meant to be his tomb, his final resting place. He sometimes found himself missing that place. 

Whenever he would lay awake at night, his only company being the quiet chatter of the television, he would find himself missing the silence, the darkness. It was odd, because it was those things he had grown to fear, those things that sent a shock of panic through him everytime he was faced with them.

Maybe he just missed the sensation of death.

"Are you alright?"

Adam looked up from where he was slouched to find a woman standing over him, a worried expression on her face as she waited for an answer. He didn't give her one.

It seemed she wouldn't just clock him for a worthless drunk, however, as she crouched down beside him, laying a hand on his shoulder.

She shook him a few times. "Hey, you okay?"

"Do I know you?" Adam questioned, some part of him seeming to find familiarity in her worried eyes, like he'd seen them before.

She shook her head, slipping her arm under his shoulder. "I don't think so, no."

He continued to stare at her as she helped him up off the ground. He'd seen her face before. He just couldn't think where.

"Come on," the woman spoke quietly, guiding him down the street. "I'm gonna help you."

Adam didn't protest, he simply followed her, the bottle of vodka still clutched in his hand. He wasn't even drunk, but he still allowed her to keep her arm around his waist, his arm pulled over her shoulder.

He'd seen her before.

He was sure of it.

It took a matter of minutes to get back to the apartment building, and by that time, the woman was practically staggering beside him. He stood up straighter, taking some of his weight off of her, and then he followed her into the building.

He didn't realise she'd walked him all the way to his apartment until they finally walked through the door.

"Do you live in the building?" He asked, as she helped him onto the couch.

"What?"

"It's just─well, you walked me back to my apartment."

"Yeah," she answered, fiddling with the hem of her jacket. "Yeah, I live in the building."

They fell into silence then, and Adam listened as her footsteps trailed towards the door. But then he remembered.

He'd seen her before.

"Rockstar," he mumbled, stopping the woman in her tracks.

"What?"

"Your hair," he carried on, the memory of her choppy brown hair as she stood on the stairs flashing in his mind. "I said it was very rockstar."

She stared at him. "I don't─"

"I took your picture."

She didn't try to explain herself. Instead, she smiled, opening the door. "Take care, Adam."

Chapter Text

Lawrence could feel the frustration building inside of him as he pressed his pen to paper for the fifth time, balls of discarded paper scattered around the trash can in the corner of his office.

Dear Adam,

Ideally, the only words he wished to say were that he was sorry, but he would feel silly delivering a two word long letter to Adam's apartment door, so he was attempting to conjure up something a little more thoughtful─something that would properly articulate his feelings.

He jumped when he heard a knock on his door, the pen falling abruptly from his grasp. "Come in!"

One of the receptionists poked her head around the door, a polite smile on her face. "Doctor Gordon? There's someone out here asking for you. Should I send them in?"

"Do they have an appointment?"

"No, I don't think so," she answered, shaking her head. "He's claiming he knows you, though."

Lawrence hesitated for a moment. Could it be Adam? What if it was just a random stranger, or maybe a patient who simply couldn't wait?

"Bring them in," he eventually instructed.

She ducked her head back out the door and moments later, it opened again.

He was here.

"Adam," Lawrence spoke, a nervous breath escaping his lips.

Adam didn't say a word as he sat down in the chair across from him, his gaze fixed on his lap as he picked at the skin around his fingernails.

"I wanted to apologise─" Lawrence started to say, but Adam cut him off.

"You don't need to apologise."

"Okay..."

There was a stretch of silence between them before Adam finally spoke again. "You were just trying to make sure I was okay, and I flipped out like a fucking asshole. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Adam," Lawrence said, an ache pulsing through his chest. "I should never have left."

Adam laughed, no humour to his tone. "I didn't exactly give you much of a choice. I practically forced you out of my apartment."

"No, I'm not talking about that," Lawrence clarified. "I─I should've tried harder, I should've─"

"Stop. I don't blame you─for any of that shit, okay? I just─I want to be done with it all, you know? I want to be fucking happy." He paused. "I want to be with you."

Lawrence didn't say anything in response to that, he just smiled. He sat there and he smiled at the man in front of him, the man who he had thought of every day for the last few years, the man who had haunted his dreams for so long.

He was here. His missing piece. His home.

"You look insane," Adam said then, an amused smile on his face as he looked at the doctor, who was yet to drop his own smile.

"Sorry," Lawrence mumbled, shaking his head and turning his attention to the paper in front of him.

"What's that?"

"It's nothing." Lawrence attempted to fold up the paper before Adam could sneak a glance, but it was too late as he had already snatched it from his grasp, opening it up in his lap.

"Is this a letter?" Adam questioned, his eyes never leaving the paper as he skimmed over the words Lawrence had written.

There wasn't exactly much to see, but Lawrence hadn't even gotten the chance to revise it before Adam had showed up. It was simply a mess of words he hadn't yet managed to organise.

He was embarrassed. "It's nothing important. Can I please have it back?"

Adam didn't protest, handing the paper back to him with a chuckle. "Please don't ever write me a letter again, okay?"

Lawrence laughed. "Alright."

"So, can we go home now?" Adam asked. "Wherever home is."

Lawrence smiled. "Of course."

───

When Lawrence returned to Adam's apartment that night, he felt almost relieved, like a weight had lifted from his shoulders. Adam wanted to leave their past behind, he wanted to move forward with him.

And although Lawrence knew that he could never forget what had happened, he hoped that with Adam by his side, he would at least be able to finally find some happiness, some peace.

He closed the door as Adam turned around to face him, a look of uncertainty in his eyes as he stood there, his hands shoved deep into his jean pockets.

"So...do you want a drink?" Adam asked, awkwardly swaying on his feet.

"Yeah, sure," Lawrence mumbled, following behind Adam as he led him into the kitchen.

As he stood watching Adam fill a glass with water, he felt like he was waiting for something to happen─for this newfound moment of peace to come crashing down. It was like a dream, standing here with him so close. He was almost afraid he might wake up─alone again in his sad little apartment.

"You okay?" Adam asked then, noticing the distant look on Lawrence's face.

"I just─I worry that this could all be a dream."

Adam laughed. "Am I that unbelievable to you?"

"Yes."

Adam set the glass down on the counter then, turning himself towards Lawrence. "You want me to prove to you I'm real?"

"Yes. Please."

Adam stepped closer to him then, skating his fingers along Lawrence's sleeve, stopping when he reached the soft skin of his hands. His breath became caught in his throat as he tangled his fingers with Lawrence's, the touch alone setting his skin alight.

Lawrence stood completely frozen as they wound their hands together, a shaky breath falling from his lips.

This was real. And it was happening. And he'd never felt as vulnerable as he did in this moment, wrapped in this blanket of intensity, waiting to feel the brush of Adam's lips against his.

Adam reached up to stroke his hand along Lawrence's jaw, cautious, as he prepared to advance further.

"You're not gonna pull away from me again, are you?" Adam whispered.

"No."

That was all Adam needed to finally move in, gently pressing a kiss to Lawrence's lips. And as they kissed, it was like all the darkness in their lives seemed to fall away.

The bathroom. The years that they had both spent alone. If only for a moment, all of it disappeared.

They could finally breathe.

"Are we gonna be okay?" Adam asked once they parted, the words burning his throat.

"Of course we are." Adam still seemed unsure so Lawrence pressed a hand against his face, his eyes serious as he spoke. "I wouldn't lie to you."

And Adam believed him.

He would always believe him.

Chapter Text

Dear Adam,

I know that there's nothing I can say to show you just how sorry I am, but I wanted to write you this letter to at least attempt to explain myself.

What we you went through, it was horrific, and

I shouldn't have left you there

I am so incredibly sorry. I hope you know that. 

I care about you All I want is

I just need to know that you're okay.

Lawrence