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Under the luminescent light of the glow-in-the-dark stars on Jeno’s room ceiling, is him and Jaemin lying beside each other. The two of them are within the solace of their own constellation. They just got back from a night out with their friends and still feeling the remnants of euphoria in their system. Sober already but still on cloud nine. And so, on the spur of the moment, with Jaemin resting his head on Jeno’s shoulders, the latter vents out.
Jeno snaps the comfortable silence without breaking the stare at the luminous stars above. “I used to send letters to no one. I used to talk to the nothingness that surrounds this room... “ Jeno’s voice is raspy and from it, Jaemin feels the weight of Jeno’s words. It is unusual for Jeno to assert his emotions out in the open, which makes Jaemin gaze at this precious being’s impassive face. Still, a pretty one despite, he thinks.
Jeno continues, not minding the enamored stare of Jaemin. He can feel his chest tightens. He is not familiar with this. He is not the kind to talk when his emotions weigh too much already. But Jaemin happened. Since then, he learns to stay aloof by trading his emotions for secrecy.
“I used to wonder what it feels like to have a person to enclose me during nights when I am more lifeless than its hours.” Jaemin knows exactly what Jeno is uttering. He is with him throughout 一 probably the toughest time of Jeno’s life. So he lets him continue to utter whatever burden there is. “It’s been a year already, Jaem. Bilis ‘no? But at the same time sobrang bagal at bigat.”
It’s been past midnight for about 3 three hours now and it’s exactly 365 days since his sanctuary shattered apart. It’s a year since a part of his life was taken away; being forced to live a life without the ones that gave it to him.
Jeno takes all the responsibilities a parent should nurture their children with. He will always yearn for the affection, the feeling of having a safety net once he fails to deal with life. But no matter how much a child needs an anchor and warmth of a home, Jeno will never get to be in touch with it again.
3 am, right here at the same spot where they are lying down is when the news of a shootout from the news agency where his parents are anchors broke out on him. He immediately saw the breaking news because it should have been his mom that will deliver that time frame’s breaking news. He and Jaemin are waiting for his mama to appear on the screen like they always do, whenever they can. But neither of them expected to watch her this way– being reported as lifeless. This is then followed by the passing of his dad from a crash before getting to the news agency to get to her mom.
Jaemin reassures Jeno. “ I might never take away your pain, pero Jen, lagi akong nandito, even on days you push everyone away because of your hurt. Tangina, sana talaga whoever had a grudge against your parents suffers.” Through bliss, pain, and even fury against the ones who did this to his best friend’s parents, Jaemin is always there to be in tune with Jeno. When the latter can not find his mind to tell his younger siblings about the news, Jaemin is there to withstand the grief and break the news to them.
Up until, especially today Jeno still tends to push his vulnerability away by suppressing every breakdown that could seep through the tough facade he encloses himself in. And only during these hours beside Jaemin, his solace, he is able to uncoil and feel every despair that resides inside his being.
Jeno's grief is still talking. "I wanted to cry, but I did not let myself. I can't dahil baka sa pag-iyak ko, hindi lang luha yung bumagsak, kundi pati ako at mga kapatid ko. I am the only shelter they have, Jem." More than anything, he misses his parent’s warmful “ang galing galing naman ng nono namin.” He hates it, the nickname they still use on him, nono is such an embarrassing nickname to call their now 21-year-old son. He despises it but longs for it so much and he is sorry for not being the son they had hoped him to be.
Jaemin notices as Jeno heaves. As if hearing the other’s thoughts, Jaemin utters. “Sometimes all that there’s left for us aside from their memory, is our guilt for not fulfilling whatever wish they had." Jaemin pauses then continues, and he can hear him letting out a sigh "Minsan nga wala naman talaga silang hiling. It's just us making things up just to retain their memory." He’s too familiar with what resides within that heavy sigh. It is the musing of what really used to be, because, at this point of Jeno’s bereavement, it is easier for his memory to recall what his parents looked like a decade ago than to remember what they were during the last days of their lives. It is unexplainable, but it’s something that intensifies the distance he feels toward them; it exclaims that even their memory starts to become unreachable as it fails to be vivid anymore.
Jaemin continues to assure Jeno. “And, knowing your parents, Jen? They’ll never hold it against you if ever ‘di ka tumuloy ng law," Jeno can not help but burst into tears. The glowing stars that he’s been firmly staring start to smudge. "With you still holding yourself together for your siblings, sigurado ako na they’re already proud of you.” He feels bad, so bad because Jaemin never falters in reassuring him that things get better even if he has no idea how. That it’s just fine if all he can be today is a fragment of what once was a whole. He wanted to be more not only for his siblings but also for Jaemin.
Jeno now rested himself on Jaemin's chest. The need to be closer to his solace's heart speaks to the depth of every emotion their soul can possess. It is a testimony that they are at rest when beside each other. "I am always less of a whole whenever I am not with you. Gusto kong mabuo, pero madalas I- I want to be selfish," Jeno is choking on his words. I-I… want myself to fall apart even just for once” One can tell that he has been keeping this to himself for far too long. It is only just recently that he realizes, it’s eating his insides already. Gladly, he has Jaemin.
“ Ang bigat bigat na pala, Jaem… I wanted to run -to find an easy way out p-pero hindi ko magawa kasi hindi ako ganon… k-kasi panibagong bigat na naman yung kailangan kong harapin yung konsensya ko after that… I dread myself for feeling like this”
It hurts Jaemin to hear and see Jeno break down like this, barely catching his breath in between the heaviness of his words. Jaemin can still recall how he too has been in this situation and had no one. He vows that however grief will be for his lover, he’ll keep Jeno afloat the way he can. "Kaya ko sila, pero paano ako? Parang lagi akong lugi, Jaem. Ang lungkot lungkot pero parang bawal ko maramdaman yun…" Jaemin let Jeno cry out his frustration, burden, whatever it is he's bottling. He let him grieve, not only over his parents, but also for the life he's supposed to live in carefree.
"Paano naman ako-" Jeno is almost shouting if not for Jaemin calming him. "Shhshh, you have me, Jen. You always have me. We'll figure this out, okay? You don't have to blame yourself for everything because no one wanted things to be like this." Jaemin puts him at rest, always. He let him heave on his chest and pat his back.
"I'll be beside you on days and, hell, even on the night's ungodly hours whenever you question if this is really life." Jeno can feel Jaemin's chest resonate with every word he speaks. The latter indeed meant it from his heart because for every tear Jeno shed on his chest, it responded with more than a beat. It extended a sustenance of hope that can keep him alive for days and even years.
"I have stopped wondering already" Jaemin gets lost on what the other is talking about. Jeno continues, "I finally know how it's like having someone to fall apart to. I am yet to feel alive again, but you enclose me with your existence."
Jaemin feels his heart flip. Because, there's nothing more he wishes to be right now than to be Jeno's Eden, his exceptional happiness and solace. "I can be a deviation against every grief that seems to settle on your life. I can't take your sadness away, but I can be an exception from it."
Jeno looks up to face Jaemin's ever ethereal face. Their glistening eyes met, like the sea welcomes the sun every sundown. "Ikaw ang bukod-tangi, Jaem. The void will remain in my heart, but you make my heart grow. Our affection makes it a little less of a hole and more of a whole." Jaemin will always receive Jeno's tired eyes, he is madly to embrace him the way Jeno is gladly to fall down into him.
If 3am is a person
it's someone that could make me feel daylight even if what's beyond the bedroom windows is still the pitch dark sky.
it's someone that'd make me let go of all these pillows in my bed just to make room for him and sleep beside me.
it's someone to catch the warmth of my tears on his chest first before my pillow.
someone to enclose me with their presence.
if 3 am is a person, it's neither comfort nor home-personified. it'd be someone more than those.
it'd be someone that will make me not want daybreak to come. someone that'd make me not dread the morning's loudness just to get away from the coldness that I am.
it'd be someone that can finally make me indulge in the silence of dawn without worrying about things that veered me away from my peace.
if 3am is a person, it's someone that'd still dance me along the rhythm of existence regardless of how badly tuned it is.
…
Jaemin not only gives Jeno a home that cushions every fall he comes across. Jeno is also given a dream that is alive and twinkling. In time, he can be a pillar too, one as strong as how Jaemin is to him right now. Until he can make himself whole again, Jaemin will remain because it is only to him that Jeno is able to acknowledge that he too can break; just like the luminous light above them, Jaemin is his constant contagious glow that can engulf the nothingness in him; the light that flares up his barely twinkling existence.