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Aubrey stroked her hands down Bunbun’s ears as she laid in her bed. Bunbun felt warm on her stomach, it was comforting to her, feeling the pressure of another thing against her. She could also feel the steady breathing of Bunbun, which she tried to rhythmically match with her own the best she could.
Aubrey stared at her ceiling. She could hear the loud sounds of the TV and the obnoxious ringing of the phone no one wanted to answer. There were other sounds too, harsher ones like banging and stomping and occasionally the sounds of her parents yelling at one another. But her room was her own little bubble, and she was able to shut out the calamities outside. Mostly.
Her eyes shifted over to the framed photo beside her bed. One of her hands reached out and held it closer to her face. Her lips curled into a gentle smile as she stared at the picture.
Lately, everything was so confusing for her. Mari was gone out of nowhere. It was as if her entire existence vanished in a single instant. And no one cared. None of them did. Kel had his new friends, he wouldn’t even talk to her anymore. Hero went off to college and spent all his time studying. Sunny vanished with Mari. Basil always seemed distracted, jittery–he spent most of his days frantically trying to avoid anyone.
They were all fucking selfish. None of them cared. Did none of them know how she felt? How much she was suffering? How much she fucking hated all of them for putting her through this, but mostly how much she fucking hated Mari. She hated her for leaving them like that. Why would she leave them? Why would she leave her?
Aubrey dropped the photo from her hands. Her eyes turned back up towards the ceiling. Was she selfish for feeling like that? They all must be suffering as much, surely, Mari was important to all of them. So why did she feel so…angry? Neglected?
Empty?
Empty.
She felt empty .
Without them. She missed them. She missed Mari.
Why was she thinking about this anyway?
Aubrey sat up. Bunbun shuffled on her lap with her sudden movement. She cupped her under the arms and held her up to her face. Her little nose twitched and Aubrey smiled at her.
“You have it so easy, don’t you?” She murmured. “You probably don’t think about anything, huh? Other than when your next feeding is.”
Bunbun was totally limp in her arms, she was content, or maybe just too lazy to squirm. Aubrey set her back down on her legs and sighed. “I wish you could talk to me.”
Bunbun nestled her nose into Aubrey’s leg.
Aubrey flopped her head back on her pillow. She wished everything would go back to the way it was.
But that would never happen, would it?
But wasn’t that okay? She had new friends now. She didn’t need them. She had Charlene, Vance, The Maverick, Angel and…Kim.
She had Kim.
Kim was so important to her. She didn’t know what she’d do without them. She liked them a lot.
But somehow, even that didn’t feel like enough to her.
Aubrey liked Kim. They were friends. Kim was always there for her. Kim was the one who introduced her to the rest of the Hooligans. Kim was the one who helped her after all of her other friends betrayed her. Kim was the only one who really cared about her.
But that didn’t make her happy, no.
So, why was that?
Kim was her friend. Not only that, Kim was her absolute best friend. But Aubrey felt more longing for them than she did for anyone else in her life. But was that really anything? In the past, Aubrey had felt a similar way about Sunny. She liked Sunny. She thought he was cute. Didn’t she feel that way anymore? No…not really. But she liked him before?
Well, she liked Mari too. But that was because they were closer to siblings, if anything. Did she think of Kim that way, then? No. She didn’t know why, but it just felt different with Kim.
Aubrey wasn’t resistant to the idea of not being straight, of course not, all of her friends were either supportive or gay themselves.
But, was Aubrey?
She liked boys.
Because she liked Sunny before. But she doesn't like him now. But maybe that was just because it was Sunny.
Even then, the idea of Sunny was icky and the idea of Kel or really, anyone was even more icky. No boy sounded appealing to her.
And that was fine, wasn’t it?
So she liked Kim.
She liked girls. People who weren’t boys.
But why did she like boys before? She has to like both of them, because she liked them in the past. Those feelings were real, weren’t they? So maybe she likes both.
But she doesn’t. Because she doesn’t think a single boy in the entire world would be appealing to her. Which means she only likes girls, or anyone identifying as anything but a boy. Why was this so confusing to her? She knew she was a lesbian now.
Right?
But her past experiences proved otherwise. Was she invalidating herself as being bisexual?
Aubrey’s head pressed further back into her pillow and she groaned. Maybe she should just talk to Kim. Kim was a lesbian, so Kim would know about this. But something about that was so embarrassing to her. Because she felt stupid for not knowing what she was. She felt stupid for feeling this way at all. And surely Kim would think so too.
Now she was questioning everything. All of her memories, experiences, anything that would prove to her the answer she was desperately searching for. If she liked Sunny then, but not now, surely it was relevant? Was it?
Aubrey’s head turned. Her eyes locked on the photo of her beside Kim. Even just looking at Kim made her heart flutter in her chest.
Maybe. Just maybe Aubrey liked boys in the past.
Maybe it was all in her head.
But she didn’t now. She knew that she didn’t. And she never would again.
She was a lesbian.
She had to be. Her past feelings didn’t invalidate her. They never would. Aubrey was herself, and that self was a lesbian. Even if her mind told her otherwise, even if she felt otherwise, even if someone told her otherwise; she knew herself. It didn’t matter what she’s told.
Aubrey sat up again. She cupped Bunbun in her arms and held the bunny close to her chest.
“I’m me.” She spoke. “And I’m a lesbian.”