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After months of dating, Dys felt he had a firm grasp on how Solane expressed themself.
Solane was a talker, for one. As a kid Dys had found him annoying, thinking Solane refused to leave him alone because she wanted to get a rise out of him. But she put a lot more effort into understanding Dys than he did to them; early on she’d learned to just be quiet and sit with him. Dys was returning the favor now, making the effort to carry on conversation with him, or at least listen when she wanted to talk.
Solane was also a hugger. A toucher in general, really. This was another thing Solane had learned, early on, that Dys didn’t tolerate. It was different now that they were dating; Dys didn’t feel strongly about being touched, but if it made Solane happy, Dys didn’t mind holding his hand or hugging him.
What Solane wasn’t was a crier. Which was why Dys was shocked when she flew up the wall, sat down hard next to him, and burst into tears.
Solane’s long hair obscures their face, but their sobs are noisy, despite burying their face in their hands. She curls in upon themself, looking smaller than Dys has ever seen him.
He lays a tentative hand between their shoulder blades. Solane doesn’t react.
“Solane…?” he tries.
Their chest and shoulders heave as she tries to get their breath back. As their breathing picks up, Dys worries that she’s on the edge of a panic attack. Unsure of the right thing to do, but wanting to do something , Dys wraps an arm lightly around their shoulders. Solane moves instantly to cling to him, burying their face into his shoulder. The tempo of their breaths begins to even.
Dys lets him cry it out, reassured now that the moment will pass, and Solane will talk when she’s ready. Sure enough-
Solane’s fists clench, bunching up the fabric of Dys’s shirt. “ I almost killed him, Dys.” He barely understands what she says, the words forced out between sobs.
This is maybe the last thing he would have ever expected Solane to say. His mind whirls. “Who? Vace?”
Immediately this question strikes him as stupid and a little insensitive, but a shocked laugh interrupts Solane’s crying. “I wish ,” she says, though without nearly as much vitriol as he’s used to hearing. “No, it was…” She takes a deep breath and wipes their eyes. “It was Rex.”
Dys gets the familiar and horrible sense that he’s standing in a minefield of a social situation. One of the earliest interaction between him and Solane that he can remember was shortly after Tammy’s death. Did you know she flew through the air? he’d said, and Solane had burst into tears. I didn’t want to know that! she’d cried, and ran off.
In hindsight, that was a pretty stupid thing to say to a kid in mourning, and he was lucky Solane had ever wanted to talk to him again after that. Still, though he’s picked up a few more social cues since then, he’s still noticeably out-of-sync with most other people’s opinions on death.
“Um… is he injured?” This should be a safe question. Concerned, practical, getting to the heart of the matter.
Solane shakes their head. “No, he’s fine.”
“Oh.” That sentence was a lot more dejected than Dys would have expected it to be. “Um… well, then everything’s okay, right? There’s no problem?”
He braces for an outburst, because obviously there is a problem, but he doesn’t for the life of him understand what it is.
Thankfully, Solane has near endless patience for him. She sighs and runs their hands through their hair. “I mean, it is fine. He’s fine. It’s just- he didn’t even know. How close it was. How close I was to- to killing him, and then he would’ve been…” Their voice wobbles dangerously, and she swallows down another sob. “I don’t want any more dead friends, Dys. Especially not ones that are my fault.”
“Hey,” Dys admonishes him gently. “Just because you sometimes get glimpses of the future that may or may not be true doesn’t mean-”
“I know, I know.” Solane cuts him off. “But I mean, this one would have really been my fault. I was using the exosuit, and I overshot it, and he was right under the-” She stops talking and grabs onto Dys again. Every muscle in their body is tense; she’s obviously trying not to break down crying again.
It’s at just that moment that Rex pops his head over the wall, ears perked and scanning the area for something. Probably Solane, Dys realizes, given that she’d probably run off from whatever job she was in the middle of doing.
Sure enough, Rex’s eyes snap to the two of them. He raises his eyebrows in a silent question. Somehow, Dys gets the sense that Rex’s presence won’t help Solane right now. He tries to convey this answer to Rex with only his expression, and just ends up sort of… staring really intensely in his direction. Miraculously, Rex gets the picture - he shoots Dys a thumbs up, and pops back down. Thank the stars for people who can read social situations.
Solane, oblivious to what had just occurred, lifts their head again and takes a deep breath. “I just- I can’t stop thinking about it,” she says quietly. “About how he was so close to dying. And how close everyone is to dying at any given day.”
Dys is quiet for a long time. He doesn’t know if what he wants to say will help at all, or just make things worse. But he’s not one for empty platitudes, and he knows Solane isn’t either.
“You already know how I feel about death,” he reminds them quietly. “It’s inevitable. When it happens, it happens, and we can’t reverse it. And it’s… a release, from having to deal with everything life throws at you all the time. Rex is… happy, right? I mean, I guess it would be a shame if he died, but… better quickly and while he’s happy than a slow and painful death, you know?”
Solane nods slowly, eyes closed. “I know. And I do agree with you, about death. If we’re talking about my own death.” She opens their eyes and regards Dys carefully. “But the other piece of your philosophy is that we should enjoy as much of life as we can, while we can. Imagine trying to do that if I was gone.”
At these words, Dys’s throat contracts with the icy grip of an unfamiliar emotion. Fear.
Solane must see it in his face, because she nods. “This is selfish of me, but… I hope I’m the next one to die. Tammy and Kom were bad enough. And then my dad…” she breathes in shakily, “I mean, I’m still here, and I’m glad, I guess. But the more people I lose the less there is for me to enjoy out of life. That’s all.”
Dys understands, now. He pulls Solane close again, and she rests their head on his shoulder. The two of them can’t bring anyone back, or know what might happen in the future (or at least, Dys can’t), but they can enjoy each other’s company, here and now.