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r/AmITheAsshole
Posted by God_IGuess 3 hrs ago
Hey guys… I used to go on Reddit all the time before the death of Earth, and now I’ve come scurrying back. Hope you missed me? Are there still people on this godforsaken website? Here’s the situation: tldr, I (10000+ M) ordered my third disciple (10000+ M) to kill my ninth disciple (18 F) because she fucked up the whole becoming-a-disciple shabang and would have died a brutal death at the hands of space bees had she not either a) gotten her shit together, or b) kicked the bucket. Her cavalier’s soul just resurfaced in her body and is ratting me out for putting her necromancer on my hit list. I know that probably sounds justified on the cavalier’s part, so let me put this whole mess in perspective:
This infant girl shows up on my flagship totally disoriented, right? Spewing vomit, misnaming her dead cavalier, the whole deal. She was a complete wreck. I figured she’d had a shock, you know, with her cavalier sacrificing herself to achieve Lyctorhood when my other disciple (~9800 F) tried to kill this girl, her cavalier, and all their friends. I mean, for fuck's sake, give her a break. But when it turned out that this girl - I don’t want to name names, but her name is Harrow - couldn’t get her cavalier to emerge when she waded into the River, I was like, okay, something’s wrong here. She kept saying she’d misapprehended the process, but I figured out she’d done something to her brain, though I couldn’t say what. So I thought to myself, I’ll give this young Harrow the benefit of the doubt; let’s see what Mercymorn (10000+ F, my second disciple) can do for her. Mercymorn may be pungent when it comes to social matters, but in terms of any anatomical mistakes, she’s brilliant. But she couldn’t tell what was wrong with Harrow, and Augustine (10000+ M, 1st disciple, what a guy) didn’t give any shits about Harrow at all, so I turned to Gideon (10000+ M, third disciple, are you getting tired of this yet?) for a solution. I told him to try and fix her. And then I said: if all else fails, put her down, and he made every attempt to do so. Because I didn’t want Harrow to just get totally fucking destroyed by Heralds when Number 7 came, you know? And I didn’t want her to interfere with our fight in any way if she was… only half a Lyctor. I could not see her destroyed; I could not see us eaten by the wrathful soul of a dead planet.
Meanwhile, I started talking to Harrow a lot, as a God should do with their disciples, I guess. Fuck me if I've ever actually known what I'm doing. I tried to encourage her (though I think antidepressants would have worked better than encouragement, we should stock up on them) and I tried to get her to eat and cook meals (which ended in, shall we say, quite a marrowtastrophe) and I tried to comfort her in the face of this vast and lonely universe. And this kind of backfired, because then she was all like, Lord, you do know the Saint of Duty is trying to kill me, right? And I was like, Um, yes, and then she was all like, Is this fine with you? And I was like, Um, and then she was like, Lord, do I displease you, that you shield him and not me? And I, with a great deal of coolness, was like, That doesn’t matter, because you haven’t slept in a hundred and twenty-six goddamn hours. So now her cavalier is pissed at me for brushing off all claims of, you know, getting the other Gideon to try and kill Harrow, and I don’t know how to feel, because obviously Harrow was a liability, but she also kind of had a point. ‘I am hunted, I perish’ and all that. There was a reason to kill her, but also murder sucks. You know? AITA? Should I just off myself and be done with it?
Comments (4)
Gideon_the_First
1 hr ago
I literally didn’t even want to kill her you were just weirdly adamant about the whole thing
augustinealfred
2 hrs ago
So what you’re saying is the whole dinner party distraction wouldn’t have been necessary if you hadn’t made Gid your attack dog? (Not complaining just curious)
Mercymorn!!!!!!!
2 hrs ago
You are a detestable human being and I hope I get another chance to try and kill you! Go fuck yourself!! Pfaugh!!!
IantheTridentarius
2 hrs ago
this is so funny ngl. you really just posted that in all earnestness. couldn’t be me