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Okuyasu had never had much. He knew once upon a time he'd been part of a happy healthy family, but he didn't remember any of that. What he remembered was a grieving father who took it out on his children, a brother who did much the same to him as time went on. He didn't know differently for a long time. Until he came to Morioh.
He was just doing what he was told when he came to Morioh with Keicho. Going with the flow, trusting that his brother knew best, like he always said he did. He knew what they were doing with the bow and arrow was wrong, that people were dying, that Keicho was cruel sometimes, and more than just to him. But he was all Okuyasu had to rely on. He was his brother.
That day when Okuyasu met Josuke, and Keicho had met his end, he could barely wrap his head around anything that had happened. Josuke had saved him, shown him mercy, and kindness he'd not known in a long time. Keicho had saved him too, using his last breath to do so. Now he’s gone.
And Okuyasu didn't get it. He didn't get how life could take the only thing he'd ever known and turn it upside down in the blink of an eye. Replaced it with something he'd never experienced. The hate and anger he'd been surrounded by most of his life was gone. All that he had left was him, and whatever he decided to make of that. And he was scared. He didn't know what to do.
That night all he could do was toss and turn, and wonder what he was going to do now that Keicho was gone. He didn't have anyone else, aside from his dad, but he'd be the one having to take care of him now. It all felt overwhelming and turned around. Why did he have to live when Keicho died? Why hadn't Keicho just accepted Josuke's help? It sucked. Everything felt big and undoable and he didn't know where to start. The only thing his mind would supply was befriending Josuke, so that's what he did.
Over the time that passed, Okuyasu came to really realize how Josuke was different. Different from anyone Okuyasu had ever been around.
He was his friend. Okuyasu has never really had a proper friend before. When he was a kid he'd tried, but no one had ever wanted to play with the “weird” kid. And as time had gone on, Keicho had told him not to distract himself with trivial things such as friends.
But then, Keicho was gone, and Josuke didn't seem to mind Okuyasu hanging around him. Okuyasu had latched onto that first kindness, chased it and followed it whenever he could. It was something new to rely on. Josuke started inviting Okuyasu around more and more, and sure he teased Okuyasu, but Josuke and Koichi were both so nice to him, and most of the time he didn't really feel like he deserved it. Still, he wouldn't complain.
Hanging out at Josuke's house quickly became a great comfort. Tomoko was extremely kind to him, and he liked the coziness that a real home afforded. His house… kept a roof over him and his dad, especially after Josuke had fixed it up. It was a place for him to sleep, but it was vacant and haunted by that day, by what had happened to Keicho.
"Do you wanna play Mario Kart or Smash Bros?" Josuke asked, as he set up the Nintendo 64. It had become pretty commonplace for them to play games after school, and today felt like any other.
"I don't care, man, whatever you want to play is fine," Okuyasu said with a shrug.
"Okay, well prepare to get your ass beat in Mario Kart again," Josuke said, shrugging.
Okuyasu rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sure, but we both know you're gonna lose.”
Josuke plopped himself on the couch by Okuyasu, their shoulders touching. It was almost weird how casually physical Josuke was towards him. Not weird in a bad way. Okuyasu really liked it, actually, but it confused him a bit. The only physical contact he'd had for most of his life wasn't pleasant, and the casual touches from Josuke were a welcome difference. It was something Okuyasu had started to readily accept and even return.
Sometimes he really didn't understand why Josuke seemed so comfortable with him. No one ever seemed comfortable around him the way Josuke seemed to have become.
They played a few rounds in Mario Kart, and unsurprisingly Josuke won every one. "Told you I'd kick your ass," he said triumphantly.
Okuyasu knocked his shoulder into Josuke's, the way Josuke did to him sometimes, and scoffed. "You only win because you got more time to practice than me," he said.
"Excuses, excuses," Josuke said, shaking his head. He stood up, stretching. "Ugh. We should probably start on homework.”
Okuyasu let out a sigh of his own, letting his head fall back on the couch. "I don't even get what we're supposed to be learning in math. I think I'm gonna have to copy Koichi's notes again."
"Ah man, I was hoping I could copy your notes," Josuke said with a groan.
"Well, that's your bad for thinking I'd know what the hell was going on in math class. Maybe we should see if Koichi wants to come work on the homework with us?" Okuyasu suggested.
Josuke seemed to think about it for a minute, before agreeing. They usually spent a lot of time just one on one together, which Okuyasu often preferred. But he liked Koichi a lot too, and he didn't mind him coming over, even if there was a part that wanted to keep hanging out with Josuke alone.
He had some confusing feelings about Josuke he'd yet to start processing, all he knew was that spending time with Josuke was special to him and that he didn't want to ever lose that.
They ended up having Koichi come help them, though even he was a little confused about the math himself. When the sun had begun to set and they all parted ways, Okuyasu found himself at his house, almost sulking. He almost always missed being at Josuke's when he was at home in the dark, laying on his bed staring at the ceiling.
Most days lately he wished he could just live with Josuke. But he couldn't abandon his dad, and the house was pretty much all he had to his name anyway. He couldn't up and leave it. Okuyasu let his mind drift to those complicated feelings he had for Josuke.
He knew he had liked boys for a long time, but he still liked girls so he tried to ignore it as best as he could. It worked for him most of the time. He wasn't sure he'd be able to keep doing that.
He knew somewhere that the feelings he had for Josuke were more than friendly. It made him feel guilty. All Josuke ever did was treat him like his best friend, and that was more than enough for Okuyasu.
He'd take whatever he could get.
------
Walking home together had been the standard for Okuyasu and Josuke for a long time, they lived so close together, and most of the time that they did walk together they were headed for Josuke's house anyway. Even with everything that had happened with Kira, they'd still found time to hang out. And now it was over, and they were more joined at the hip than ever.
Walking home with Josuke was one of Okuyasu's favorite parts of his days. It was one thing that hadn't changed at all since Kira. And things had changed a bit, to Okuyasu's dismay.
Josuke acted differently around him, not too different, but it felt different. It scared Okuyasu. He hated change. Especially when it came to Josuke. He was worried.
When he had been released for school things felt almost stiff with Josuke after he got out of the hospital. He wondered at first if Josuke was embarrassed about how emotional he’d been at the hospital, but he really didn’t think that that was it. He wondered if he’d done something wrong, but it wasn’t like he was acting angry or avoiding him. It just felt so strange, especially because during Josuke's hospital stay, Okuyasu hadn't left him, because he'd kept begging him not to go. When he'd been on the painkillers a lot early on, he'd kept crying that he couldn't lose Okuyasu again. Eventually he’d calmed down, but still seemed anxious any time Okuyasu so much as left his room. It made him realize several things.
He loved Josuke.
He knew that was selfish.
And that he'd made the right choice coming back to Morioh.
And he knew none of what he felt mattered much. Okuyasu knew he was better off to keep ignoring the feelings he had like he'd been doing. It hadn't failed him yet. He couldn't bear the thought of things changing anymore than they had, especially if it meant he might lose Josuke. He couldn’t make Josuke hate him by telling him how he felt, he couldn’t even risk it.
Still, the feelings were hard to ignore. Josuke was just… sort of everything to him. He loved him so much. He made him laugh, and he treated him like he was important to him. More important than others sometimes. Okuyasu did everything he could to be around Josuke, and Josuke had never once truly pushed him away. He'd saved his life over and over again. He knew Josuke cared about him. He just didn't know if he felt the same level of care.
The only person he'd ever felt cared about him before was Keicho, and that was different. Keicho had tried to be a good older brother, to take care of Okuyasu, to step up. And in a lot of ways Okuyasu felt like he did do those things, he had taken care of him, and had saved him in the end.
So why did he feel like things had gotten better since he was gone?
Because even though Keicho tried, he'd turned meaner and colder as they'd gotten older, almost spiteful it felt sometimes. Okuyasu had tried hard to tell himself it wasn't his fault, that it was because Keicho was tired of everything they'd been through. He mostly even believed it. He loved Keicho, he missed him, missed having a family other than his dad.
But having friends, people who cared about him in a kind way, was so different from that.
Maybe that was why when Kira had almost killed him, when Keicho asked him what he wanted to do, where he wanted to be, he'd chosen Morioh. He wanted to be there, be back for everyone, to be with Josuke.
He had realized later that he'd essentially chosen Josuke, and everyone else in Morioh, over Keicho, and he'd had a bit of a crisis. He didn't regret it. He'd felt guilty for a while, like he didn't care enough about Keicho, and that he had owed him more, but he'd never regretted it. He couldn't bring himself to regret that he could have never left Josuke.
But he just wanted things to go back to normal. He hoped it would happen soon.
"Hey man, wanna spend the night at my place tonight?" Josuke had seemed to ask out of the blue when they were walking home.
"Yeah man, you know I never say no," Okuyasu said with a grin. He felt so relieved he could cry. Maybe things were going to go back to normal.
Josuke nodded, smiling. This was the first time he'd asked him to stay the night since the hospital.
OTherwise the stiffness hadn't kept them apart, really, but sometimes Josuke looked at Okuyasu in a way he never had before, and then the awkwardness would come in. Okuyasu couldn't understand what it meant, and he wasn't sure he wanted to.
The evening ended up being very full of those looks, and by the time they'd finished dinner with Tomoko, it was driving Okuyas insane. As they headed up to Josuke's room he was quiet, and things felt tense.
"Are you okay, man?" He finally asked.
Josuke's gaze snapped to him, wide eyed. "Yeah of course! Why wouldn't I be?" He laughed.
Okuyasu pursed his lips. "I dunno, it just feels like…I dunno you just keep looking at me weird. Are you, like, mad at me or something?" Okuyasu asked, feeling the tension in his shoulders.
Josuke looked away from him, looking upset. Okuyasu was starting to panic. He totally was mad.
"I'm just…" Josuke trailed off, quiet like he was lost in trying to figure out what to say. "I'm just glad I didn't lose you. I keep thinking about what happened. I just keep thinking about what would have happened if you…if you…" he choked.
Suddenly it clicked for Okuyasu and he pulled Josuke into a hug. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t realized that was what the stiffness had been about. "Dude I'm not going anywhere," He whispered, feeling Josuke relax in his touch. "Stop worrying about that, cuz I'm never going to leave you."
"But you died dude. I can't lose you like that, or at all," he choked out.
Okuyasu's chest felt tight, and his face warm. "You won't," he said softly.
------
It had barely even registered that it had been more than 2 months since Kira had died. Okuyasu had been spending too much time distracted by the way things with Josuke were. Still different, but less stiff. The fact that it was his birthday had barely registered when he woke up.
Okuyasu barely thought about his birthday, it wasn't particularly a special day for him. He wasn't even sure he knew his proper birthday, since it had never really been celebrated since he was maybe 8 or 9. He'd always have to ask Keicho how old he was, and trust he was right. Keicho had given him the date a few times, and it was usually the same. He at least knew for sure it was in early October. But he'd picked a day and stuck with it. Even if there was no celebration.
The first couple years Keicho had tried . They had both been children, so they didn't have much. Maybe a cake the first year, but even when Keicho had tried to celebrate, or do anything for Okuyasu, they didn't have a tremendous amount of money. Keicho was smart about using things their father had left lying around. And smart about the money. That was how they'd survived. Keicho was smart . That's why Okuyasu had relied on him so much; he wasn't.
But he hadn't needed Keicho for a while now. He was proud of that. Turning 17, only a year younger now than Keicho had been.
Okuyasu tried not to think about his birthday, so when Josuke handed him a CD, with a bunch of songs written on it, he didn't really know how to react.
"What's this?"
"A present dude, isn't it your birthday?"
Okuyasu blinked, looking at the small case in his hands. He was shocked that Josuke had remembered that he'd ever said his birthday in passing. "Thanks," he said, looking up at Josuke. "I uh…I really appreciate it." His heart pounded in his chest so loud he was sure Josuke could hear it.
Josuke scratched the back of his head with a shrug. "It's not a big deal, that's what friends do," he said, waving it off.
But it was a big deal to Okuyasu. He gave Josuke an earnest look. "Thank you," he said again, his smiling eyes soft as he looked at Josuke.
Josuke met his eye, looking back intensely before averting his gaze. "Haha, it's just some of my favorite songs, I dunno, I thought you might like them. I got someone to burn a CD for me to give you," he said.
Okuyasu pulled Josuke in for a hug to hide the fact he was tearing up. His chest felt full but almost too tight. He couldn't begin to describe how much this meant to him. He pulled away after a long moment, beaming at Josuke again, his eyes still a little teary.
Josuke looked back with a smile, soft and sincere in a way that made Okuyasu's heart jump to his throat.
Josukes eyes darted away, and Okuyasu thought maybe he was blushing as he cleared his throat. "C'mon we're gonna be late," he said, turning on his heels to head to class.
Okuyasu carefully tucked the CD into his bag, and pretended it wasn't the most kind and thoughtful thing anyone had ever done for him. Pretended he didn't think about it all day, smiling off and on like an idiot. Pretended he wasn't aware how much he was pretty sure he was in love with Josuke.
He couldn't let himself really think about it too hard, so he just held onto the happiness it brought him. He didn't even have a CD player. Keicho had always found music distracting.
"Happy birthday, Okuyasu!" Koichi said excitedly at the end of the day. He held out a book, "This is my favorite Manga! I thought you might like it," he grinned.
Okuyasu's head snapped up, and he looked at Josuke. "Did you tell everyone it was my birthday?" He asked.
"Yeah man, how else were they gonna know to come over for cake after school?" He said, nudging his shoulder against Okuyasu.
Okuyasu felt embarrassed, but he really started crying when he took the manga from Koichi. "You guys are too frickin' nice, I can't believe this." He said shakily. He instinctively turned into Josuke, leaning on him like he often did when he got overly emotional. He'd never had a good handle on his emotions and he cried pretty often. He rarely cried from happiness, but he couldn't stop. Josuke patted his back softly.
"We're really glad you're our friend, Okuyasu," Josuke said. "You deserve to be a little celebrated."
"I'm really glad you're my friends," he practically sobbed. He straightened up and wiped his eyes frantically. "Thanks, you guys, it really means the world. I've never gotten presents before," he said, staring at the manga still smiling. He missed the look that Koichi and Josuke exchanged.
When they got to the Higashikata house, Tomoko pulled Okuyasu in for a big hug, "Happy birthday!" She said pulling him back by the shoulders to smile at him. He felt like crying again, but he managed to hold it together this time around.
There were other people there as well, Yukako and Rohan were chatting idly by a table that held a cake. Tonio was peeking out from the kitchen with a smile and a wave. His dad was even sitting on the couch. And Okuyasu felt so overwhelmed. He hadn't felt this cared for in a very very long time.
The party was a bit of a blur for him, all he wanted to do was be alone with Josuke. The person who had made this all happen. And it seemed Josuke had been waiting for the same thing. They were standing outside after everyone had left, and Tomoko was cleaning up.
"Okuyasu?"
"Yeah?"
"Remember what you said? About me not being able to lose you? That you wouldn't go anywhere…" Josuke inhaled a deep breath. "I feel…the same. You could never lose me either."
Okuyasu felt Josuke slip his hand into his own. His eyes darted to Josukes face. He was still looking at the stars, his face pink, and so pretty in the pale moonlight.
He didn’t know what Josuke had meant, but it seemed like Josuke was nervous. Like…maybe…maybe he even felt the same way? Okuyasu had been thinking a lot lately, that maybe Josuke acting differently was because he felt the same way. That he was just as scared as Okuyasu.
Okuyasu had never been good with words, so he leaned over and planted a tentative kiss on Josuke's cheek. This grabbed the other boy's attention, and he looked at Okuyasu with wide eyes.
Okuyasu instantly tensed, reflexively pulling his hand out of Josuke's,taking his surprise for rejection. "I--" before he could fully panic, Josuke was kissing him. He melted into it, putting a hand on Josuke's cheek.
"I love you," Okuyasu blurted as they pulled apart. Josuke's smile was so warm that Okuyasu couldn't help but let out a nearly giddy laugh.
Josuke laughed softly and kissed him again, this time a little bit more intently. "I love you too," he murmured, as he pulled away resting their foreheads together.
Okuyasu was pretty sure he’d never felt this happy in his entire life. He couldn’t stop smiling, and he felt like he was going to start crying again. “You really mean it? You really…you really feel the same way?” He asked, feeling like it was a little too good to be true.
“Of course I mean it, dummy,” Josuke said, still smiling. “I didn’t know if you felt the same. I…I was scared you weren’t going to want to be around if you knew I was gay.”
“So we were both scared about nothing, huh?” Okuyasu said with a little laugh.
“I guess so,” Josuke brushed his hand across Okuyasu’s cheek. “And I wish I had said something earlier,” he kissed Okuyasu again.
When they pulled apart Okuyasu let out a content sigh, “Me too man, but we’re here now.”