Work Text:
One day, I hate you started to sound like I love you.
They were sitting on the ground, arm to arm, in Little Mo’s room; because it was his favorite place to be in. He could still feel the sweet taste of coffee in his mouth, and the little shiver beneath his fingertips – when he pressed Mo Guan Shan to the door, and kissed him breathlessly, listening to soft sound escaping the other boy’s mouth. He Tian had his left leg under Mo Guan Shan’s left; their finger were intertwined, and He Tian was just listening to Mo Guan Shan voice, when he tried to practice his next presentation with He Tian.
It was like a dream that he could never awake from – the fact of Mo Guan Shan’s skin so close to his, his lips being just there as long as He Tian asked for them, the tremble of first love that made them both feel so sick. He Tian was never romantic; and he is not one now, but he cannot deny the fact of the anxiety eating him from the inside every time his eyes land on Mo Guan Shan. It was worse now, somehow.
“Are you even listening to me?” Mo Guan Shan suddenly said, annoyed. “Seriously, why are you even here if you won’t help me?”
“Your legs are distracting me,” He Tian answered, half-truthy, and his boyfriend frowned his eyebrows.
His boyfriend.
“Fuck you,” Mo Guan Shan answered simply. “I hate you, you fucking asshole—”
He Tian just laughed at that, and just to be annoying, pressed his fingers on the naked skin just barely under Mo Guan Shan’s shorts. At that, Mo Guan Shan blushed wildly, and slapped He Tian’s hand with his.
It was fun now. They were still holding hands, and He Tian was under Mo Guan Shan, his thigh resting on He Tian’s leg. It was fun, because Mo Guan Shan could pretend to be a boy lost at the mere sight of ankle – and maybe he was, to be fair.
They were not even sixteen yet, high school still a few weeks away from their reach.
“I know you do,” He Tian simply answered, grinning.
Mo Guan Shan rolled his eyes.
“Listen to me,” he just said, giving up. “Ming Dynasty, once again,” he decided.
He Tian nodded.
It’s like he always knew that he was going to leave – like he knew, and couldn’t really explain it in any way that made sense. What can you even say? He was ready to run away and never go; but he was waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and somewhere inside, he was always sure that his brother is going to find a way to make him leave willingly.
He took, and took, and took – and gave, even if it didn’t matter. He couldn’t give anything that was more than he took from Little Mo, but he was selfish, and couldn’t stop it.
They sat down in He Tian’s room, on his bed, Mo Guan Shan shaking a bit from nervousness. It was like an instinct for him, to keep his hands close to He Tian; he was holding other boy’s ankles in his hands, when He Tian sat cross-legged, so close to him.
“Don’t be nervous,” He Tian whispered.
“I’m not.”
“You are. Stop shaking.”
“I’m not fucking shaking!” he panic-whispered back at him. “Just do it, you chicken dick!”
“Then stop trembling.”
Mo Guan Shan took a deep breath, and closed his eyes.
“I’m not scared,” he said, confident, and He Tian smiled at that. “I’m really not. It doesn’t even fucking hur—agh!” he moaned, and opened his eyes.
There was a needle in his left ear; before he could start to say anything, He Tian took it out, and quickly replaced it with a black, simple earring. It was one that Mo Guan Shan asked for – He Tian bought it, and paid for it more than he wanted to even say.
Mo Guan Shan touched his ear.
“It didn’t hurt,” he said, blinking away the tears that appeared in his eyes.
He Tian just kissed him.
His mother was a lovely human being too; it was hard not to, having Mo Guan Shan being spit image of her. She was quiet and loving, ready to hug her son every time that she saw him – but Mo Guan Shan was just a dumb teen, and He Tian couldn’t stop to feel so weirdly jealous about that. He would give up so much to hug his mother only one time; being a rebellious teenager seemed like one of the privileges that he never really could buy, huh?
He Tian just shut his mouth about it, most of the time. It was childish.
“Such a good food, mom,” he said, smiling towards the woman. “You’re a great cook.”
She smiled at him.
“It’s so nice to hear that from you, He Tian! It’s just some homemade soup, nothing big, really…”
Mo Guan Shan was looking for something in his room; a book or something, that He Tian couldn’t really understand, so he was left in the kitchen with his mother.
“Homemade is the best.”
“I hope you say that to your mother too,” she laughed, and He Tian blinked, not really reacting to that. “You, teen boys, prefer to eat anything but your mom’s food…”
He Tian nodded, not sure how to answer; did his mother even know how to cook?
“Probably,” he answered, not being able to avoid the stiffness in his voice. “Well, I think, at least—My mother sadly passed away when I was young,” he said, and Mo Guan Shan’s mom gasped softly, quickly saying her apologies. “It’s fine, really. I was young back then.”
“It still must be hard—boys need their mothers,” she said. She reached over to He Tian, and caressed the hair in such a motherly way. “Guan Shan is growing up without his father,” she added. “He is—well, he is gone for now, not dead, but absent… It’s hard for kids to grow up without their parents.”
“I try,” he just said.
He was perfectly okay with not having a mother, or really, anyone – or he just made himself that way. Didn’t matter that much. He Tian cared about few stuff in his life; Mo Guan Shan was the lucky one.
“I love your son,” he said suddenly, looking at her. “I love him a lot.”
She is surprised, somehow – but surprise quickly changed into soft smile.
“I—figured it out,” she said simply.
“And you don’t mind it?”
“I don’t,” she answered. “As long Mo Guan Shan loves you too, there is nothing that I should do but support it. His happiness is very important to me, He Tian.”
“To me too,” he said immediately. “I want to spend the rest of my life with him. To give him the best life that he can have.”
“You’re very young,” she said, but quickly added: “But if you will still want this when you’re an adult, and if it will be what my son wants, I will support it.”
He Tian bitten inside of his cheek so hard, that he felt a metallic taste of blood inside his mouth.
“I will,” he said quietly.
“Why are you so touchy with him?” Jian Yi asked once. “He hates you.”
He Tian just laughed at that, too tired to get angry. Somehow, Jian Yi got him to come home – they were here alone, them two against the world—or, well, brother Qiu. Somehow, Jian Yi got them a bottle of a wine, that He Cheng was hiding for important guests and stole it, bribing He Tian with it to come and spend some time here.
Now, they were both half-sitting in one of the guest bedrooms, that Jian Yi was almost living in for few weeks already.
“Does he?”
“Yes?”
He Tian once again laughed at that, making Jian Yi raise a bit from the bed.
“Why are you laughing!? It’s not funny!”
“It is, because you’re fucking stupid.”
“Hey!” “No, but really, why are you so touchy with him?”
He looked at Jian Yi like he was a fucking moron, because maybe, just maybe he was and it wasn’t his drunk curiosity talking – he was more observant that he would let anyone know, and He Tian was sure that he couldn’t be that stupid to not actually notice.
Or, could he? He was probably still sure that Zhan Zheng Xi was having just normal, friendly feeling to him.
He could be that stupid, yeah.
“Because I like him?”
Jian Yi made a weird face, thinking about it for a moment.
“That’s gay,” he said, and He Tian frowned his eyebrows.
“Do you sometimes look in the mirror?”
“Yes,” Jian Yi just answered. “But that’s gay, He Tian.”
“I want to fuck him, of course that’s gay,” he said bluntly, and Jian Yi just gasped at that. “Don’t make that stupid fucking face now.”
“I’m not doing shit, He Tian,” Jian Yi answered, smiling widely. “Imagine what Mo Guan Shan would say at that.”
He Tian pressed his lips together, actually thinking about it. He would get mad. And would have his lovely all-body blush. It’s better for him not to know, probably; He Tian was just a teen, but just like every other boy, it was hard for his mind not to wonder.
“That he wants to fuck me too?”
“You’re delusional.”
“Be fucked by me, then?”
“That’s disgusting, God! I’m telling on you—”
Before Jian Yi could say anything else, he gasped, falling down on the bed, the book laying on the ground after hitting his face. He moaned from the pain, and He Tian rolled his eyes, drinking more wine straight from the bottle.
It took a few seconds for Jian Yi to collect himself; and he was back at his bullshit just as fast.
“No, but seriously—do you really think you will get him one day?”
I already have him, He Tian thought, drinking some more wine, not saying a word.
“Don’t go with him, my redhead friend!” Jian Yi screamed once at them, when they were already going down the street, Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi far away from them. “He wants naughty stuff from you! Run away, save your vir—”
He got smacked by Zhan Zheng Xi, shutting up, and Mo Guan Shan just turned around, screaming at him to shut the fuck up. And when he turns to face He Tian again, he actually is blushing so much, that it looks almost like a sunburn.
“That’s a lie,” he just said, and He Tian raised his eyebrows.
“You’re not a virgin?” he asked, just to be annoying shit that he is. Mo Guan Shan gasped at that, not being able to mutter a word. “Little Mo, you need to teach me so much stuff then… Teacher Mo, please, give your virgin-boyfriend advice on—”
He is stopped by a smack on a head.
He went home that weekend too – Mo Guan Shan, still half asleep, opened him doors. He looked confused, for a moment, before he only yawned, going back inside his house, leaving the doors open for He Tian.
“Hello, auntie,” he greeted her. “It’s nice to see you.”
“It’s so nice to see you too,” she said, smiling at him. “Are you hungry?”
“He is not!” Mo Guan Shan shouted from his room. “We need to study!”
He Tian just smiled, nodding towards the woman and quickly making his way towards Mo Guan Shan’s room.
“I missed you,” he said immediately, and Mo Guan Shan frowned his eyebrows.
“That’s fucking sappy.”
He Tian laughed, trying to close the door; when they crackled softly, the voice came from the living room:
“Door open!” they heard, and He Tian laughed under his nose, .
Mo Guan Shan blushed slightly, but He Tian, not carrying that much, still came closer to him, trapping Mo Guan Shan between himself and the desk.
“Sorry,” Mo Guan Shan mumbled, visibly feeling awkward. “I think she knows.”
Because I told her, He Tian thought to himself. Or, maybe – she was not stupid enough to ignore the hickeys and bitemarks all over her son’s neck, that Mo Guan Shan tried to hide, probably not being able to do it in home that much.
“I like it,” he said instead. Little Mo would probably get angry about it; He Tian still wasn’t sure about how much he wanted his mother to know—or maybe, he was just too nervous. “Having you with all that is like having a forbidden fruit,” he said.
Mo Guan Shan frowned his eyebrows at that.
“You’re fucking disgusting.”
“You like me like that.”
Mo Guan Shan ears were red at this point; and it made He Tian laugh once again, when he took Mo Guan Shan chin into his hand, kissing him.
I do, was lost between their kisses.
“If you want family money, you will do it.”
He Tian just stared at his brother, doing his best not to stand up and walk off.
“I don’t want your fucking money,” he snarled.
“You were born with a golden spoon in your mouth,” He Cheng simply answered. “You want your little boyfriend to have a good life? You’re going to listen to me.”
He Tian gritted his teeth, annoyed. Of course He Cheng knew shit like that – He Tian loved to parade around with hickeys on his skin just to show off, and liked to make sure that everyone knew that Mo Guan Shan was his. He Cheng knew, probably from the moment, that brother Qiu connected dots, and told him about it.
Now, like everything for He Cheng – it was just one of the points to negotiate. He Tian could almost hear him; do you want Mo Guan Shan to be with you? Do what I want.
“I will manage,” he finally said.
“You can’t do shit on your own. Only drag this boy down—his father was some underdog in mafia,” He Cheng said. “He is in prison. His mother is working day and night in hospital. Do you want to be another thing to drag him down?”
He Tian just stared at him, imagining He Cheng head under his fist – he wants to hurt him, hurt him in a way that would make him feel like a fucking animal ready to be slaughter, but he can’t. He Cheng will hurt him back, press him down to the desk and just fabricate his signature – he doesn’t care.
For a moment he thought if he should say something about it. For Mo Guan Shan case – maybe He Cheng will treat him like he treats everything in his life, something to be played with and used to his advantage.
“Fuck you,” he hissed between his gritted teeth.
“I’m giving you a choice.” He Cheng put his hands on the desk, staring at He Tian with pained expression. “You’re a kid, He Tian. Go to the school. Graduate, get into the business—the safer side, dad and me will get you to do clean work, just so he will know that you won’t go and live in the same room that his dad is. Give him the life that he deserves, if you really like him that much. If you love him so much,” he corrected himself, making He Tian feel just sick, so angry that he wanted to get his brother head between his hands and smack it on the hardwood desk. “If you love him, it’s the best choice. And if he loves you – he will wait.”
The worst thing was, that this made sense. It did, but he was just reaching his sixteen birthdays, and he was fucking in love, and he actually was loved one time in his life—even if he was dramatic, childish, whatever, he didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay.
On the other hand; he wanted Mo Guan Shan to be safe. To not worry about fucking money every day, to make his and his family life easier. It was a long term; and He Tian was trying to get himself a forever deal on this love.
“Fuck you,” he said once again, coming closer to the desk.
Without thinking, he took a pen, took the papers and quickly wrote his name on it. Doing his best not to stab his brother with the pen in the neck, he finally just threw it at the painting behind He Cheng’s head.
“You’re doing a good thing,” He Cheng said, too calm for his liking. “You will give the boy what he deserves.”
He Tian didn’t answer that.
It’s always I will tell him later, and every time the later comes, it’s I will tell him later.
He Cheng send him a message about some new papers that he needs to sign, so He Cheng will meet him tomorrow morning, and it made He Tian lock the door to his bathroom (even if he is still alone) and just hang over the toiler for few minutes. When he finally stood up, he brushed his teeth, got his jacket and left the house in his pajamas, not even bothering to lock it.
He got to Mo Guan Shan’s apartment building in twenty minutes – jumping stairs by two, he finally stood by his doors and… stared.
Well.
It was almost midnight.
Instead of touching the doorbell, he softly knocked, realizing, that he didn’t even bring his phone. Mo Guan Shan was a light sleeper – and he wasn’t sure about his mom, but he could probably made up some stupid lie to apologize, if she would be awoken by that.
After a moment, he knocked again, a little bit harder, and it took only a few seconds for the door to unlock.
Mo Guan Shan was staring at him with wide-open eyes.
“He Tian?” he asked, confused. “Why are you—”
He Tian kissed him at that; and Mo Guan Shan gasped into his mouth, but allowed He Tian to push him inside the apartment, locking the door. They kiss in the darkness for a few moments, before He Tian just cannot breathe anymore, and hugs Mo Guan Shan closely, resting his chin on the boy’s arm.
“What?” Mo Guan Shan just mumbled under his breath. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“Missing you,” He Tian answered.
“That’s fucking sappy.”
“I love you.”
It made Mo Guan Shan just stop. He didn’t talk, he didn’t even made some weird face, and just stared at He Tian with dumbfound expression. He Tian used that time to wrap his arms around Mo Guan Shan, looking at him with a smile.
“Do you love me?” he asked.
He was just still staring at him, now visibly surprised.
“He Tian—”
“Just answer me,” He Tian pleaded with him, not even bothering to hide the shakiness of his voice. “Do you love me, Mo Guan Shan? Would you want to spend the rest of your life with me?”
If anything, this will decide.
“Yes,” he mumbled quietly. “I—yes, I would.”
That was enough. It was better than enough – He Tian knows, that he is doing a good thing, then.
He kissed him again, pressing Mo Guan Shan to the wall and making some of the winter clothes fall down. They kiss like it’s the end of the world – and maybe it is, for now. Maybe he will die. (School mostly implied that love is a worse killer than any other drug, after all – go and study until you’re twenty-something, get married, never drink or party, or have relationships that are not the way that world intended.)
Mo Guan Shan must have thought about it too – because he didn’t care, or just simply didn’t notice the mess that they are making in the small corridor. They kissed until Mo Guan Shan couldn’t breathe, and he broke off the kiss, inhaling quickly.
For a moment, they were just staring at each other – and then, Mo Guan Shan grabbed He Tian’s hand.
“Come to my room.”
As it sometimes happened with Mo Guan Shan, He Tian blushed softly.
“Your mom—”
“She’s at work,” Mo Guan Shan answered quickly, blushing at a mere mention of his mother. “I—just come with me,” he said, sheepishly. “If you want.”
There is a question there, and He Tian cannot stop thinking that it seems like a bad idea – but it’s still an idea, and he is young, dumb, and wants Mo Guan Shan more than he ever wanted anyone or anything.
“It’s—” He choked on his own words. “Fuck, do you want that?”
Mo Guan Shan blushed, and turning his gaze away from He Tian.
“I—Uh…”
“Just tell me you want me,” He Tian whispered, closing his eyes. “That you want this. If you want this.”
“I want it,” Mo Guan Shan said simply. “I want you.”
After that, they were dumb once again.
It’s like they were in a rush – like there was an invisible clock ticking away not weeks, that He Tian still had here, but also minutes, like if they don’t get into his bedroom fast enough something will just stop them – the judgement of the parents, of their peers, of anyone, really.
Mo Guan Shan shut the door after them, and He Tian lost somewhere his shoes and his jacket, staying only in silky pajamas. Mo Guan Shan was in his white t-shirt and simple shorts; and just like that, he had He Tian whipped.
For a moment, Mo Guan Shan was making sure that the doors were locked, and He Tian sat down at his bed, feeling his heart beating so fast, that it almost made him sick again. When his boyfriend (boyfriend!) turned around and open his eyes, staring at He Tian, the boy just laughed.
“Why are you so nervous? I thought you’re going to teach me some stop, Teacher Mo—” he joked.
Mo Guan Shan snarled at that, and came closer to He Tian. It was easy – to take his hands, to guide Mo Guan Shan to sit on his laps, straddling He Tian’s hips with his thighs. To softly kiss his cheek and nose and neck, to guide his hands under his shirt.
There was a moment, when He Tian waited for something – Mo Guan Shan looked like he wanted to tell him something, but instead of that, he just took He Tian’s mouth between his hands and kissed him so breathlessly, so softly, so lovely.
He Tian gasped, when Mo Guan Shan suddenly pushed him down on the bed, placing his hand on He Tian throat; he was gentle, barely keeping He Tian in place, than actually pressing him with any force.
“You will not say a word about it to anyone,” he said, and He Tian did his best not to laugh.
“I don’t kiss and tell.”
“And you w-won’t fucking laugh, you asshole.”
At that, He Tian just made a dumb face; because why would he laugh, having the boy that he loves all for himself? Still, he nodded, and Mo Guan Shan took a deep breath.
“And you will not leave me,” he said simply. “And because you a liar, if you ever leave me, you will always come back to me.”
He Tian nodded, closing his eyes.
“I will always come back to you,” he whispered. “Always.”
He Cheng almost slapped him next day – but he didn’t care. He got home still in his pajamas, bitemarks glowing red on his skin, told his brother to fuck himself with a stick and go die somewhere, and signed the papers.
The school was private, of course. In England, or somewhere else, where they care more about being pretentious shitheads than actually… well, than anything else. He got his uniform on the weekend, and he just shoved it under the bed, not even carrying enough to unpack it. The thing is – he is not going there to do anything else than survive, and go home.
Go home.
To Mo Guan Shan. To his home. To their home, hopefully, where they’re going to have the nice kitchen, and the fridge will be always full, and their bedroom has nice sheets that Mo Guan Shan liked the most because of the patterns, and there are flowers. And photos. And love; love is everywhere.
The uniforms were under the bed for a long time – when he slept in his bed, when he would lie on it and listen to his brother’s voicemails, when he would kiss Mo Guan Shan and pin him to the bed with his own body.
Just waiting. Just waiting, until he took them out one day, throwing it into the suitcase.
“Promise me you will be always like this,” he said once.
Mo Guan Shan took eyes off from his notes and looked at him confused.
“Like what?”
“Smart. Trying to be good at school. Having friends that care about you. Always in love with me.”
Because I will always want you.
He did.
He did want Mo – no matter if he was sixteen or twenty-one, he wanted him more than words could describe.
So, when he showed up to his apartment, where his mother still lived her day-to-day life, working another and another shift at hospital, dressed up in simple, black clothes, he felt once again like a boy, getting himself together before meeting the guy, that he made fall for him.
It took him years – and, in true fashion of his life, everything goes shit immediately.
Mo Guan Shan’s mother gasped when she saw him – she stood at the top of the stairs, holding her groceries in simple, paper back.
She dropped the back that she was holding, food falling down on the floor.
“You’re back,” she said breathlessly.
There were tears in her eyes, and for a moment, He Tian wasn’t sure what to even do – so he just crouched, getting the groceries inside the paper back again, the woman falling down to her knees just beside him to do the same. When they were done, she raised her head, grabbing his arms.
“My son missed you a lot,” she said softly, her voice shaking a bit. “I didn’t know you were back, He Tian.”
“Mo Guan Shan doesn’t know yet,” he answered. They were still on the ground, when he took a deep breath, and closed his eyes, feeling unusual anxiety inside. “I need to talk to you first, mom.”
He says it like he is once again fifteen; the boyish smile and feeling of enjoyment to annoy his boyfriend by calling her mom, just to see reaction.
Now, he is long over twenty – and it was weird, but somehow, fitted into his mouth better than anything else.
“Let’s get inside,” she hurried him.
He Tian grabbed the bag, and went inside, taking off his shoes and quickly going to the kitchen, knowing the layout of the apartment very well. It changed – of course it did. There was a new fridge, and there was a new dinning table, and there were more photos on the walls. He tried not to focus on them; it was bitter-sweet to see Mo Guan Shan like that, and He Tian just not being there for that.
Mo Guan Shan’s mother came after He Tian, standing in the door and just staring at him for a moment, still crying.
“Guan Shan missed you so much,” she said, wiping away her tears. “I heard you didn’t have a choice, he told me that,” she continued. “But he was waiting for you all the time, He Tian.”
He Tian suppressed a laugh. Mo Guan Shan didn’t even know that – he maybe figured it out, being a smart boy that he always was, but He Tian was sure that he just told this to his mother not to make her worry; he couldn’t help but wonder about all the nights, that Mo Guan Shan would find himself alone in the darkness, cursing He Tian in every way he could.
It almost made him sad, somehow; Mo Guan Shan, feeling the need to protect him. Not to make his mother hate He Tian for leaving, breaking his heart – even if he could, even if he should.
“And I’m back,” he said softly, still unsure how to deal with crying woman. He was good at people; but somehow, crying always made him feel awkward. “I worked hard to graduate from the school and have a good job. I did it all for him.” It was almost like a mantra that he would repeat every now and again; he was doing it to be with Mo Guan Shan one day. “I want for him to have a good life. Not to worry about himself, me or—you and your husband,” he said, suddenly feeling shy. He had this conversation many times in his head; but now, when it was real, he couldn’t even remember half of the words he was supposed to say. “This is why I came, mom. I want to ask you first – can I marry your son?”
She gasped at that. For a moment, she just stared at him, visibly very surprised – and He Tian even started to think if she understood, that back then he really meant it when he told her that he loves her son.
After a moment, she nodded.
“If he wants that.”
“Do you want me to marry him, then?”
“Yes.” She wiped her tears again, and nodded her head. “I want him to be happy. You make him happy. Please take care of him, He Tian.”
Mo Guan Shan sobbed through his sweater and pillow, but He Tian just stayed like that – slowly caressing his back, whispering sweet nothing’s into the ear, feeling the heart beating so fast, that it almost made him worried. But he stayed like that.
He wanted to say a lot, but He Tian learned, that sometimes actions are better than words. So he just kissed Mo Guan Shan’s head, softly humming to him a melody that he still could remember from his childhood.
“I hate you,” Mo Guan Shan sobbed into his arm. “I hate you so much.”
“I love you too, little Mo,” he whispered, kissing his forehead. “I love you so much.”
With him, I hate you always sounded like I love you.