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Aira would admit that he wasn’t the most self-assured person. Whenever something went wrong, it was all too easy to fall back on negative thoughts. How it was his fault. How he’d never do things right. How he’d always be the one dragging those around him down. Especially now that he was part of ALKALOID. All of his unit-mates were so skilled. Tatsumi was a former solo idol, both popular and talented. Mayoi could make the most basic choreography look complicated or flashy. And Hiiro was so naturally talented in whatever he put his mind to. Compared to them, Aira felt like little more than dirt.
And yet, they weren’t just his unit-mates now. They were his partners. His… boyfriends. Honestly, Aira still isn’t completely sure how that happened. After the Ullambana, they’d all retreated back to their shared dorm to rest and let the adrenaline fade. Hiiro, still high on adrenaline, had a large, goofy smile on his face when he’d kissed Aira. Then Tatsumi. Then Mayoi. Each one right after the other.
Aira blushed a bright red. “What the hell was that, Hiiro-kun?!?” He yelled, not so much mad as confused. Tatsumi also sported a blush, though his was lighter. Mayoi had his face hidden in his hands, mumbling under his breath.
Hiiro tilted his head to the side and Aira couldn’t help but think that he looked like a puppy. “Is it not normal to kiss the people you love?” He asked. “My brother told me that I should only kiss someone that I love and plan to marry.”
“Marry!?” The blonde yelped, his blush somehow getting darker. “We can’t get married, you idiot! And even if we could, you only marry one person!”
Hiiro frowned, eyebrows scrunched up in confusion. “Is that a city thing? Why would you limit yourself to loving only one person?”
“Polygamy, that is being romantically involved with more than one person, Hiiro-kun, was seen for a long time as unfaithful to your partner.” Tatsumi tried to explain. “Of course the definition of polygamy varies, as in some relationships only one partner would be with multiple people, hence the negative stigma, while in others all of the involved persons would be equally dating each other. Though it is true that the laws banning homosexual or polygamous relationships have been negated, marriage is still prohibited.”
“Besides that,” Aira jumped in again. “We still barely know each other. How could you possibly love all of us so quickly?!”
At this, it was actually Tatsumi that answered, his own blush darkening. “I can’t say it would be considered ‘love’ yet, but I can’t deny that my own feelings toward you all have strayed away from being solely platonic. I… would not be against something more.”
Aira startled. “What?!?”
Mayoi said something then, but his face was still hidden behind his hands and he spoke so quietly that the words were too muffled to understand.
Tatsumi reached out and gently pulled Mayoi’s hands away from his face. “Could you say that again, Mayoi-san?”
The purple-haired man startled at the touch. His face was possibly even more red than Aira’s. “I… I said that I… wouldbewillingtobeinthatrelationship.” He stated in a rush. “Not that a worthless maggot such as myself deserves it. How selfish I am to desire more than one partner at all? My filth has no place in such a relationship! Forget I said anything!”
“Do not belittle yourself like that, Mayoi-san. This is a conversation that must involve all if us. And it is as much our decision to include you as it is your choice.” Tatsumi replied soothingly.
“Wait, wait, wait!” Aira exclaimed. “When did this turn from Hiiro-kun being weird to talk of us all dating?!?”
“I don’t know exactly what ‘dating’ is, but I would be very happy to have all of you as my partners.” Hiiro said enthusiastically.
Tatsumi chuckled. “Dating is basically getting to know someone on a romantic level. To see if you would be happy with that someone as a life partner before talking of engagement or marriage. Though in this case, it would be partners.” The green-haired idol then turned to look at Aira. “Are you opposed to such an arrangement, Aira-kun?”
Aira opened his mouth, then closed it again. He wanted to deny it all. They were a brand new unit, had barely known each other for a month. How could they already be claiming feelings for each other? But then, wasn’t that the point of dating? To see if physical attraction could lead to something more? Something deeper? More permanent?
He couldn’t say he wasn’t attracted to his unit-mates. He’s had a fan crush on Tatsumi since the man was a solo idol, and that hadn’t gone away once they’d started working together. Hiiro was… well, he was hot. Aira could admit that at least to himself. Plus, the redhead’s positivity and excitable personality was really adorable (when he wasn’t being annoying.) Mayoi was attractive too, though Aira wasn’t sure what to make of the way he talked down upon himself.
Would it really be a bad thing to try to make a relationship work with all of them? The practical side of his brain said, ‘Yes, it’s a very bad thing. If it doesn’t work out it could ruin the unit’s team dynamic, ultimately causing us to disband. Then where would I be? There’s no way I can survive as a solo idol, and my chances of getting into another unit would be slim.’ His emotional side however, thought differently. ‘Am I really that much of a coward? To give up a chance at romance when I’m already a hopeless romantic at heart? What if this is my only opportunity? What if I lose something that could turn out amazing without even trying?’
Throwing caution to the wind just this once, Aira crossed his arms over his chest and embarrassingly looked away from everyone. “I… I want to try too. If we’re all being serious… I at least want to try. But promise me it won’t ruin ALKALOID if it doesn’t work out.”
“I’m sure we will do our best to keep that from happening.” Tatsumi agreed genially.
It had been a few months since that fateful conversation. And yet Aira still felt like an outlier. That’s not to say that any of his partners ignored him. Hiiro in particular had moments where he got extremely affectionate and would latch on to one or more of them. But Aira couldn’t help but think that he wasn’t good enough for any of them. Both as a unit-mate and as a boyfriend.
It didn’t help that they’d moved from their shared dorm. Aira had gotten comfortable being with them. It was almost like that room tucked away in the old building was a safe haven. A place he could go back to where he knew the people there cared for him (even if his brain wanted to argue the fact on his bad days.)
But now they all had new rooms with new roommates. And Aira had the rotten luck of being paired with Eichi Tenshouin and Rei Sakuma. His internal fan-boy was awestruck and excited, but the darker thoughts of his mind over powered that. His self esteem was already low enough, but he just had to have two of the best idols in ES rooming with him. The worst part was that they were both so nice. They didn’t go out of their way to make him feel inferior, but this in turn made him feel more inferior because his conscious just had to conclude that they were pitying him. That was just the downwards spiral his brain decided to take.
It was so frustrating because he didn’t want to feel like this. No matter how much he logically knew that it was literally all in his head he couldn’t stop the thoughts from forming and he couldn’t stop them from affecting him. Usually he could fight it off to an extent, ignore it for a time, but some days he couldn’t help but stay wrapped up in his blanket while those dark thoughts tormented him.
And it was on one of those bad days that Mayoi came to check on him.
Usually when he got like this, Aira would send a vague message to their group chat, saying that he wasn’t feeling well but that they didn’t need to worry about him. And they all normally respected it when he said that they didn’t need to come check up on him.
However he wasn’t in the practice room when Tatsumi, Hiiro, and Mayoi brought up how they were getting concerned. Perhaps it was because he’d been having days of “not feeling well” more and more frequently. Or perhaps because he insisted that they need not come over. Whatever the case, it lead to Mayoi coming over to his dorm.
Through the vents.
Aira yelped, almost falling out of bed when the vent on the ceiling opened and Mayoi swung out. The blonde had no time to compose himself and no option to tell him he was fine from the other side of a door. He was glad that neither Eichi or Rei were there, though Mayoi more than likely made sure of that before he entered. The purple-haired man was quick to notice his red-rimmed eyes, his exhausted posture, and the dull look on his normally expressive face.
Aira couldn’t even muster up the energy to be mad. Instead his words came out low and resigned. “What are you doing?”
Mayoi shifted on his feet for a moment before walking over and sitting on the edge of the blonde’s bed. “We’ve all been worried about you.”
“I’m fine.” His tone said the opposite.
“You’re not. Tell me what you’re feeling, Aira-san. Let me help.”
Aira sat up, but remained wrapped in his blanket. “It’s stupid…” he muttered under his breath.
Mayoi shook his head. “Not if it’s affecting you like this.”
“I… I have these thoughts in my head… I can’t stop thinking… about how I’m not good enough… how I don’t belong… that I’m not talented enough to be an idol… that I’m dragging everyone around me down… that I’m a weak link that should just be gotten rid of…” Now that he’s started speaking, it was like he couldn’t stop. “I think about how much better you and Tattsun and Hiiro would be without me… that I’m unneeded… unwanted…” He let out a sigh, curling up into himself. “It sounds so stupid out loud.”
Mayoi shifted over so that he was sitting directly next to Aira. “It’s not stupid. You know, I go through it too.”
Aira looked over at him. “What?”
Mayoi smiled, a little bitter, but mostly in understanding. “My ‘self-depreciation’, as Tatsumi calls it, is just an external expression of exactly everything you just said, Aira-san. I don’t feel worthy to be around you all, let alone as part of our relationship. But being with you all, despite those thoughts, is what helps.”
“…What do you mean?”
The purple-hair man pursed his lips. “I have always been prone to illness. I spent my childhood in and out of the hospital for the smallest of things. Even just being stressed was enough to make me ill. You’ve seen that.” Aira nodded. “When I was seven, my parents decided that they didn’t want to deal with me and my problems anymore. They abandoned me while I was in the hospital. Packed up everything, changed all their contact information, and moved away. I haven’t heard a word from or about them since. That was what started my self-consciousness issues. I thought, ‘Why would anyone want me around when my own parents didn’t.’ From then on I chose to isolate myself. People can’t abandon you if there is no bond in the first place. Those thoughts you described developed within me overtime. They are what fuels my self-loathing. But,”
And at this he took ahold of one of Aira’s hands. The blonde was shocked. Mayoi rarely, if ever, initiated any kind of physical contact. “Despite it all, I craved to be around people. I wanted to have those connections. However, my years of isolation formed my strange personality. It offsets many people, even if they don’t say it. Even you thought I was weird when we first met.”
He continued before Aira could protest. “It’s okay. Because even with that first impression you still made the effort to get to know me. Tatsumi-san, Hiiro-san, and you have all accepted me for who I am. You all being there, assuring me that I’m doing well, that you want to hear my opinion, helps keep those dark thoughts away. Even though I shy from physical touch, I like that you all are not afraid or hesitant to show me affection. Even though I believe I am undeserving of it, your insistence that I am an equal part of our relationship does help quiet the doubt. It can’t make it all go away, but when I am with the rest of you, it doesn’t feel as bad.”
Aira thought over his words. Was it really that easy? “But how can you just ignore it? Days like today I don’t even want to get out of bed.”
Mayoi smiled softly. “I don’t ignore it. It’s not that simple. But I know that if I stay put and let the thoughts consume me, I will only feel worse. So I force myself to get up. I force myself to do things, to go places, to talk to people. Just doing basic tasks keeps the thoughts from having as much power over me. And I spend time with you and Hiiro-san and Tatsumi-san because you care for me. I know that even when my mind tries to convince me otherwise.”
Aira was silent for a while after that, mulling over everything his partner said. He knew that his problem was a mental one. And he did admit that the days he stayed in bed made him feel worse than ever. “Okay.” He said quietly. “Okay, I’ll try.”
“That’s all you need to do. Try. Everyday. And when your thoughts get to be too much, tell one of us. You don’t have to do it all alone.” Mayoi replied encouragingly.
Aira leaned over and pressed a kiss to the man’s cheek. “Thank you, Mayoi-kun.”
And as if to emphasize that the serious talk was over, Mayoi immediately turned beet red, his insecurity coming back full force. “I-I did nothing worthy of your thanks… Don’t waste your time displaying gratitude…”
And if Aira dissolved into quiet laughter at his partner’s attitude change… Well, no one knew but them.
The next day, at Mayoi’s encouragement, Aira explained to Tatsumi and Hiiro what he’d been feeling and how it was affecting him. And Mayoi was right. The immediate reassurances and care they gave him did quiet the voices just a little. With all of them at his side, perhaps this was something he’d be able to get through.