Work Text:
Seungmin wasn't surprised when he felt his chest heavy. and mind going haywire, it didn't happen all the time, but it happened frequently to be aware of it when it did happen. So here he was, laying in his room, on his bed, thumb sliding back and forth of his homescreen.
he didn't want to go on Instagram or Twitter, but he didn't want to be off his cellular device, cause then he'd have to pay attention to the thoughts, and they were already overpowering everything else.
it was a good thing he decided to stay home rather than go on the so called relaxing walk, maybe it could have been relaxing, not when Paparazzi was watching his every move though, so home it was.
his heart hurt. Every time. No particular reason, maybe it was the self pity he felt, or how he felt unhappy, and he was aware of that, and he didn't like to be unhappy. he didn't know, and it made his heart race everytime someone asked him if he was okay, because he didn't know if he was.
he finally managed to talk to someone about it. that person being Jisung. he had felt somewhat exposed. Like he had opened himself up too much, and that makes him wary, and scared.
but jisung held his hands, and he comforted him. comforted him and told him that it was okay to feel Like that, and lost, because that was just the process of finding himself again.
Jisung talked to him about his anxiety, and how he felt, and what he did to help him, not get rid of it, but to learn and grow.
and Seungmin decided that if there was anyone he had to go to for those feelings, it'd be jisung.
with Jisung he didn't feel so small and lost, he felt understood, and he appreciated that a lot.
One thing Seungmin would grow accustomed to, but wish he wouldn't, was the way his hyungs like to doubt themselves. Especially Changbin. Sure, he likes to tease his members, likes to make them question everything they have once said, but the moment they really started overthinking it, he was the first to make sure they shouldn't.
and that moment would be now. "Hyung, of course you're an amazing rapper, I don't know why you'd ask such a question." he stated, as he and Hyunjin watched him walk back in forth in front of them, "I just-i know I could be better. I feel like I haven't been giving it my all!" he retaliated, biting at his finger nails.
"Well if you haven't been giving it your all, then what do you call those killer lyrics?" Hyunjin questioned, showing seungmin the filled pages, and Seungmin had to hand it to him, his hyung always had the best lyrics...
"your lyrics are amazing, Binnie. Don't pressure yourself so much, seriously. you're doing the best, probably better than last comeback... you're progressing everytime you write something down. So, please, hyung, cut yourself some slack. you're doing amazing."
and if the three of them shed tears, it was left unspoken, but the newfound respect they had for each other was known. they'd always have each other's back.
Minho also had major doubts about himself. Although seungmin knew Minho would never doubt his talent, he doubted himself as a person. He remembered years prior, where Minho would go around making sure they, as in the members, understood that he wasn't a mean person.
that he genuinely was a sweet guy, who just liked to do and be things because he could. Seungmin understood, they all did, because this was Minho, and they knew that. Seungmin knew Minho wasn't what he used to apologize for.
Everytime Minho would go online, and answer those silly little comments about him being mean to them, or how it didn't seem like he cared about anything at all, Seungmin alaays made sure to stand by and assure Minho that he wasn't that.
Seungmin knew Minho wasn't that, so he needed to make sure Minho knew that as well.
One morning, Seungmin walked into the kitchen to see Chan staring at the wall intently, clearly something was bugging him. He had thought about leaving him alone, to let him figure it out, but if Seungmin was Chan, he'd want someone to talk it out of him. It was always harder to get chan to open up to them, especially since they were younger than him, and he had always stated that they shouldn't feel the need to be burdened by his feelings...
but Seungmin had learned something new about his bandmate: he wasn't happy with himself.
for the first time, seungmin saw Chan as not the big almighty leader, and oldest member. He saw him as Chan, one of his best friends who was sad with himself, who didn't know how to please everyone and himself at the same time.
and in some ways, Chan appreciated Seungmin for asking, and he appreciated jisung for letting him talk about this overwhelming feeling of not knowing what to do. it was a big relief to not only Chan, but seungmin as well.
because now Chan had someone to talk to.
seungmin also learned that night, that Felix was also the same, insecure, and hated the way he perceived himself, the way he was sometimes. it was shocking to him, that someone so lovely as Felix, could be so sad.
shock that all of his bandmates were so sad, as well as himself. they practically had everything they wanted, could ask for, but no long term happiness, seungmin realized. they were happy, definitely, just not happy enough.
and that was okay, he'll learn to deal and grow.
One night Jeongin took them to this building, run down, no business, but a nice rooftop a rooftop with a rug, and a chair. How jeongin managed to get it up there was something Seungmin would ask him in the future, but right now Seungmin was appreciative for Jeongin. appreciated that he showed all of them this place where he felt okay and safe.
he decided to share his place of relaxation and peace with his best friends, because just like Seungmin, although Jeongin liked to keep to himself more often than not, he realized that it was time for them to have a place to be okay, and safe, and...
themselves.
they'll get through it, Seungmin concluded as they all sat in silence watching the stars. they'd get through it together, and they wouldn't have to worry about anyone else, but themselves and each other here.