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Valeria hated birthdays for an entire myriad of reasons, although she had the right to, of course she did. Perhaps it was because of all the little things that came with parties, or maybe it was the years of repressed memories that cemented her distaste for the holiday (could they even be categorized as that?) When asked why she didn’t like birthdays, all she could do was shrug, because she didn’t know why, she couldn’t figure out what about them made her gears turn the wrong way, it was all just…wrong.
So when Alejandro and Rudy proposed a small party with their friends, she wanted to scowl and say no right in the spot. But then she saw Rudy, and he had that soft, reassuring look on his face whenever he asked something of his partners. It never failed to make them calm down. And then there was Alejandro who looked so excited, it was hard to turn down the offer. She really didn’t want to, hated the idea and had an entire list of cons that popped up in her head each time the words ‘birthday’ and ‘party’ were mentioned in the same sentence. For hem though, she might just fold.
“You don’t have to, but we did want to ask,” Rudy was so sweet, reaching a hand out and placing it over her own.
“We just want to show you how much you mean to us, how does it sound?” Alejandro spoke with so much mirth in his voice that Valeria felt like she was going to drown in it. While they were usually at each other’s throats, the soft moments they shared had became a staple in their relationship.
Valeria felt so uncharacteristically gentle in this moment, and even though she knew she hated the idea, she loved them, and they made everything better. She looked between them, and then down at the finger that was tracing lazy circles on the back of her hand, the barest hint of a smile on her lips.
“Fine, just make sure Ghost watches Soap on the furniture, he’s prone to sitting on things that shouldn’t be sat on,” she grumbled.
-
It was her birthday, she loved her birthday. Everything about it was just perfect, from her relatives that came over to the cake that sat on the counter in the kitchen, it was all perfect down to the last minute detail. She was wearing a frilly dress, she had picked it out herself, and each time she walked the crystals on the skirt would catch the light and send little rainbows across the floor. Valeria had spent hours just watching as the colors moved, eyes wide with wonder as she reached out little fingers and dipped them into the light.
The day moved so quickly, too quickly, it was like she couldn’t slow down, it was so much all at once. One minute she was standing in her room putting a tiara in her hair and the next she was in the bouncy castle, her cousins all but stampeding the little thing and almost popping it. Soon enough, she was throw from the big pink nightmare and onto the ground, skinning her knees on the sharp rocks and bursting into angry tears when she saw that some of the crystals of her dress had fallen off.
Her mother was quick to sweep her up in her arms, but instead of being coddled like she hoped for, she was scolded for making such a scene, and was sent to sit in the kitchen until everyone came inside. There she sat, watching as her family spilled in and out of the house, seeming to completely ignore her as they grabbed drinks and talked, laughing and catching up. They were all so happy and she wasn’t, and it was her special day. Valeria didn’t understand why time slowed then, why it slowed as though thick honey was flowing across the hour and minute hand, seeping into their gears and stopping them from turning, but it slowed, and it felt like she spent hours alone in that kitchen.
When everyone had come inside, they sang happy birthday to her, she was turning six, and when she was about to blow out the candles in her Hello Kitty cake, a hand found the back of her head and pushed her into the frosting. Her heart dropped, and suddenly every single camera in the room was on her, and she didn’t know why but she started crying, so embarrassed over something so so stupid, her little heart unable to handle everything that had happened. Everyone seemed shocked at her outburst, hell, she was shocked at her outburst, she usually didn’t cry this much, she hadn’t since she was a baby, but she couldn’t help it. Her mother was quick to swoop in, calming the situation and bringing little Valeria back to her room where she was scolded, once again, for ruining the party.
And while her mother invited her to come back out and get some cake, she couldn’t bring herself to move, curling up on her sheets and staring at the pink walls of her room while the day turned into night. Her tiara had been thrown to the side and her dress was a little muddy, but she didn’t care, she was just so tired and she didn’t want to deal with today anymore.
When Valeria awoke that morning, she was in a strange mood. Her eyes didn’t shoot open, she didn’t wake up in a cold sweat, she just…existed and she felt like crap. She was quick to turn in search of warmth, a chill already settling along her skin and raising little bumps in its wake, but was met with an empty bed. She didn’t jump to conclusions, no, but her mood worsened tenfold, eyes feeling uncomfortably warm as she grabbed a pillow and hugged it close to her chest. Rudy and Alejandro usually waited for her to wake up, but she was alone. It made the funny feelings welling up inside of her move faster, drowning out any other emotion as she sighed into the pillow in her arms.
Valeria couldn’t remember much of her dream, couldn’t put her finger one what it could’ve been, but she felt empty, she didn’t know why but she felt so bad. She sighed again, shaking as she rolled onto her other side, eyes rapidly flickering as the warm sensation overflowed. Valeria didn’t like the feeling of crying, hated it ever since she was child. She didn’t like to be coddled when she was bad mood, it made her feel immature, made her feel like she was only inches tall, and she viewed it as a sigh of weakness. She didn’t cry often, letting her emotions morph into anger rather than sadness, but sometimes, when she wasn’t expecting it, her efforts would be in vain and she would end up with a crippling sort of sadness that was all consuming.
She didn’t care to wipe them away, even acknowledging them being there would be like admitting she was weak, so she blinked as hard as possible and grabbed her phone off the nightstand. When it lit up, she was greeted with the time, a few messages, and the date.
Her birthday.
Valeria found herself sighing again, placing her phone back down and rolling into her back. She lay like that for a while, watering eyes fixed on the ceiling, wishing it would fall on top of her so she didn’t have to deal with today.
But to didn’t, and after what felt like a hour of hoping, she got up, stretching herself out and shuffling to the bathroom. She was glad it was inside of the bedroom, she wouldn’t be able to deal with Rudy or Alejandro seeing her like this, they would worry, and then she would really break down. Valeria stood in front of the sink, hands gripping the sides of it as she looked at herself. The bags beneath her eyes made her look as tired as she felt, she wanted to go back to sleep, but she didn’t want to have another dream that left her feeling like this. She looked away from her face for a moment, staring at her hands instead as they moved, seemingly on their own volition. After washing her face and using the bathroom, Valeria knew, had a striking feeling that she was going to have to leave the bathroom at some point.
So she did, opening the door as quietly as possible. She was greeted by the sight of Alejandro and Rudy with their heads together, speaking in hushed tones. Despite her mood, she couldn’t help the smile that forced its way into her face, which only grew when Rudy turned and stared at her. Alejandro looked as well, quickly getting up to meet her at the door and dipping his head to kiss her cheek.
“Good morning, mi vida,” he pulled back and smiled, a hand coming up and brushing against her cheek.
“Morning.”
“Did you sleep well?” Alejandro let his hand fall just a bit, a thumb coming to rest upon her chin, tilting her head up a bit. His smile faltered when he got a better look at her eyes.
“Of course I did, you don’t always need to ask, Ale,” she muttered, waiting for him to move away and walking up to Rudy. Valeria smiled at him moving to give him a kiss on the forehead, holding his head with both hands. “Morning.”
“Good morning,” he spoke so softly, and his hands were so gentle with her as they rested on her waist. She was so luck to have the both of them, that was what she realized as she turned and looked into Alejandro’s eyes. They both stared at her like she was the best thing alive, treated her with so much love, she didn’t deserve it. Her heart clenched in her chest as she moved to sit down, not on the bed, no, but right in the comfort of Rudy’s lap.
“Are you feeling alright?” Alejandro spoke first, concern lacing his voice as he sat down besides his lovers, hands resting on his legs as he stared at them. Valeria’s heart clenched in her chest, not only at her big dope being so worried, but also because of Rudy, who was humming softly above her, his fingers sliding through her hair. She didn’t know how to answer, had never been asked and when she was, it was only rhetorical. She shook her head. While he was curious about what exactly had gotten her upset, he didn’t push her any further. Instead, he wrapped himself around the two, probably a little uncomfortable, but he didn’t seem to care. Valeria felt so loved in these moments, when she was too tired to put up her walls, when they took advantage of it to cherish her like they usually couldn’t.
She couldn’t help it when her eyes started to burn, tears building up and overflowing onto Rudy’s chest. She couldn’t help it when she shook just slightly against him, couldn’t help but cry just a little bit harder when Alejandro wiped her eyes. She felt broken down, the pieces of her spread out and leaving her bare to them. Valeria didn’t sob, didn’t dare make too much noise, she was far too scared of being scolded, she was scared of being turned away. But they held her, they shushed her, they wiped her eyes over and over until it started to hurt.
“Stop it, I’m fine-I’m fine now,” she took a deep breath, pulling herself from the depths as though she was never fully submerged in them and blinked the tears out of her eyes.
“You sure, bug?”
“We can sit here for a little longer, if you want,” Rudy was so sweet to her.
“No, I’m sure, what-what were you doing that you needed to…,” she paused, gesturing towards the door, leaning back from her place in Rudy’s arms to give herself some breathing room.
“Well, we wanted to surprise you, wanna go see what we made for you?” Made? It had to be food, and crying like that made Valeria awfully hungry. She nodded, getting up from Rudy’s lap, but was snatched up into his arms, a yelp leaving her lips.
“I think I’d like to carry you there, how does that sound?” He sounded so sincere, but his expression (a smirk which was unfairly attractive on him) was quite the opposite. He held her like a princess, carrying her out of the room behind Alejandro, only setting her down when a chair was pulled out for her. Valeria was red in the face, a confused sort of expression painting it as Alejandro sat beside her. She wasn’t used to this, it was out of the ordinary that she allowed something like that to happen, but there’s a first for everything. Rudy was strong too, that definitely made her face burn brighter.
“Do you like being carried or something?” Alajeandro joked, prodding her shoulder with a finger.
“Shut up cabrón,” she muttered, though it held no true anger, she sounded more embarrassed than anything. Alejandro laughed, continuing to poke Valeria as Rudy peeked out of the kitchen.
“Breakfast is served, Ale stop teasing,” he chastised, although it wasn’t serious. When he set their plates down, he took a moment to lean into Alejandro’s ear, but was loud enough when he spoke that their girlfriend could hear. “Keep teasing her, her face turns a pretty color.”
“That clown is rubbing off on you Rudy,” Valeria grumbled, not able to help the flush that spread down the back of her neck.
“Whatever do you mean?” Valeria would never call him names like she did Alejandro, but the urge to was growing by the second.
Teasing aside, she was hungry, and her stomach wouldn’t be able to handle another second without food. With a fork in hand, she started to eat the almost suspiciously fluffy eggs Rudy had made. They resembled him, in a way, and the notion made her smile. As she tore through her food, her boyfriends sat in shock, glancing at one another and then back her.
“If you don’t slow down I’m going to be the one to give you Heimlich maneuver because we both know Rudy doesn’t even want to think about you hurt” Alejandro spoke between bites of his food, but he wasn’t all that worried, Valeria wasn’t a child.
“I’m sitting right here Ale,” a pause. “But it’s true I don’t like seeing either of you in pain.” Valeria paused, mouth full as she stared at the two, eyes still red from her crying earlier.
“I won’t choke…” she wondered if she should push the comfort they had created, she definitely could. Something about being so emotionally drained made her feel a little feral. “We’ll bet on it.”
“And what does that bet entail, birthday girl?” Alejandro tried to sound skeptical, but was itching to have their usual Valeria back, seeing her distraught this morning seemed to throw things out of the loop. The prospect of a friendly competition was right up his alley.
“If I choke, which I won’t, I’ll suck your dick tonight, but if I don’t, I get to tie you up and make you cry,” she had been crafting the challenge in her head, and finally laid it out for the both of them to see. She lacked all of her usual grace and tact, but it successfully made Rudy choke on his food. Alejandro smirked, one of his trademark expressions, and god if it wasn’t the hottest thing she had ever seen.
“Deal.”
“You two are so…” Rudy seemed to be at a loss for words, face red as he poked at his breakfast sausage. “Just so much.”
“You love it though, mi vida.”
“He’s right! You especially seem to love it when I’m in-between your thighs and-“ Valeria was cut off, a forkful of egg being shoved into her mouth.
“Shut up.”
-
Valeria was not having fun at her little party, not in the slightest. The attention of every person gravitated towards her and it made her nervous, for some reason. She didn’t want all of it on her, wanted a little leeway to do what she pleased, but every time she got up or spoke, all eyes were on her. Now, in any other situation, she would be basking in it, but now she just felt uncomfortable, fidgeting in her seat, wedged between Alejandro and Rudy. They were her only saving graces at the moment, keeping her grounded, noticing her worsening mood.
It was quick to land on the conclusion that they wouldn’t let this draw on too long, seeing as Valeria was actually clinging to them to make sure she wasn’t left to her own devices. She wasn’t always openly touchy feely, especially in front of their friends, but after this morning, she was on pins and needles. Not everyone would get the memo of leaving Valeria alone, however, and it was Gaz and Soap that made things escalate.
“Ah, just the person we were lookin’ for,” Gaz spoke first, stopping Valeria in the kitchen, Soap right behind him.
“‘We’?”
“Hey Val, happy birthday by the way,” Soap peered into the small space and stepped in, smile wide and brighter than the sun.
Soap and Gaz were their friends, not exactly her own, but they had come to know each other through mutual relationships. Valeria didn’t mind either of them on their own, she could easily hold up a conversation and keep a good flow that matched their jokes and teasing quite well. However, right now she was drained, and had only just mustered up the courage to go get a drink alone. She wasn’t in the mood to joke, or tease, or even talk, but she also didn’t have much a choice. She didn’t want to come off a raging bitch to Rudy and Alejandro’s friends, that was the last thing she wanted to do.
“Thanks Soap,” she pondered in what else to say, remembering what Gaz had said and turned to regard them both. “What did you need exactly?”
“Was wonderin’ if you were enjoyin’ the party is all, you’ve been cooped up in a little Vaqueros shelter since we got here,” Soap chuckled, moving to sit on one of their counters. Valeria stared him up and down, wondering if she should be angry that his ass was planted where they usually made food or surprised (and a little jealous) of the balls it took to sit there without much of a second thought.
“Soap thought you were planning to like…I dunno, go all out? You usually do for other parties so it’s a little strange to see you take a back seat,” Gaz spoke his concerns into reality quite eloquently, something that only served to make Valeria feel bad about it.
Not only had she made her own boyfriends worried, she was making everyone she worried. In the back of her mind, her mother’s voice started to play, her tone frustrated and a little tired as she told her off.
”You can’t just cry when things don’t go your way, so why won’t you just stop? Your family has come all the way here and what do you do? Stomp all over their kindness and well wishes. I’m sick of your attitude, Valeria, you’ve got to pull it together, just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean you can act like a brat.”
Valeria stopped dead in her tracks, hands tightening their grip on her glass of alcohol. Why did she remember that now? Not only that, but why did it set off that strange feeling of deja vu? The words she mean to speak were caught in her throat. She was stuck gaping as she tried to fish up answers to Gaz’s question, but nothing came up. She felt like she was plunged into ice water, chills seeping up her skin and freezing her in place as fought to make a sound leave her lips.
No dice, in fact, a feeling of what only could be described at guilt and dread started to eat away at the lining of her stomach, taking huge bits and pieces and chewing on them, jaws gnashing and making her feel only hurt. Her mother’s voice called out to her over and over again, and then she heard a buzz of ambient noise, eyes glazing over with tears at the sound of voices layering over one another, multiple conversations clogging up her head.
“I-I’m sorry, what?” Was all she found herself saying, breath picking up, her lips pressed into a tight line to keep them from trembling. She felt like she was going to start crying again, and she didn’t want to do that at her own party, in front of the two nicest guys there (besides her boyfriends.)
“You okay Val?” Soap leaned in, gaze unashamedly roaming across her face, trying to see if the problem was something he could see. She looked tense-or well, was tense, and the grip on the cup in her hand tightened, shaking just slightly. Either he was going to get yelled at (likely) or he was going to get a secret second option (he didn’t want to find out what it was.)
“Yeah, yeah, just tired. I’ll be right back,” she mumbled, setting her glass on the counter and all but escaping the kitchen. The sight of the rest of their friends crammed on the couch made her nauseous, for some reason, and so she took to slipping into the shadows and escaping towards their bedroom. When she made it, door closed behind her, she sank down, chest tight with an emotion that had grown foreign to her after years of suppressing it.
Shame and guilt were white hot in her stomach, and she felt like throwing up, wanted to, maybe she would get rid of all these excess thoughts in the process. Valeria pondered on it for a moment, looking down at her hands, vision starting to blur. She was quick to her feet in that moment, throwing open the closet door and making her home between the shoes and boxes that were pressed against the walls.
In here it was dark, in here it was safe, and the second things started to settle, her vision blurred again, and god, why was she crying? This was unlike her in every way, she should be out there laughing and entertaining, but here she was, sobbing next to a pair of shoes she wouldn’t wear even if she was begged. Valeria hung her head between her knees and sobbed, let out all the noise she didn’t allow to escape earlier, the heels of her hands pressed to her eyes in an effort to stop the tears from falling.
She was interrupted by the sound of the door opening, a low hum meeting her ears, Rudy. The man was always humming little songs she’s heard before but couldn’t quite name. His presence both calmed her and set her on edge, walking a fine line between okay and full on breakdown. He didn’t seem to notice he wasn’t alone, his steps disappearing into the bathroom and leaving her alone again.
Deep down she wanted him to notice, wanted him to come sit beside in the cramped little space and run his fingers through her hair. She didn’t usually allow herself such soft things, but for her lovers, she would do anything. However, he didn’t, she was still alone in the closet, drenched in shadows and tears. The thought of them forgetting about her in here and going on about their day blasted through her head like a firework, and almost immediately did her breath pick. She forgot she wasn’t alone, and started to sniffle, nose uncontrollably runny from all her crying and close calls.
She didn’t want to cry anymore, but this day was just so off, she wanted to give herself some leeway, and so she allowed a few more tears to fall, face feeling uncomfortably sticky from all her previous crying sessions. Valeria was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she didn’t notice the bathroom door opening (or maybe she did and didn’t care), but did perk up a little when footsteps approached the door. Within moments, light streamed into the small space, and she all but forced herself to look up at Rudy with puffy eyes.
“Oh honey, what happened?” He got down on his knees, which would usually be a welcome sight to her, but only served to make her stomach burn brighter with shame.
“I-“ she paused, taking a deep breath. Her voice sounded shaky and wet, something she wasn’t used to. “I’m fine, really, just a replay of this morning, if anything,” she finally found the words, but they weren’t the right ones, it seemed, Rudy’s expression falling further as he stroked a hand over her cheek.
“Well obviously that’s a lie, did someone say something to you?”
“No-no Rudy I promise I don’t really want to talk about it,” she wanted to.
“Want me to sit with you?”
“Aren’t your friends here? Go entertain them in my stead, I’ll be fine.”
“Oh no no no, you’re not getting rid of me so fast,” he didn’t have any tissues and really wished he did, wanted to wipe away her sorrows and clean up her cheeks and eyes. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk? You don’t have to go into detail but…well this isn’t how you usually act, even on your bad days honey.”
She knew, she knew this was out of character and unlike her, and that only served to make her sniffle again, holding back another wave of tears. Valeria wasn’t weak, she was strong, she didn’t need to be comforted. But right now, she wanted to be, wanted to bare her throat to Rudy like a submissive hound and show her forgiveness, for worrying him, for ruining the party.
“Later…later, maybe,” she finally answered, tilting her head back and sighing deeply. The fresh bedroom air felt nice, the closet had been going stale, in her humble opinion.
“Do you want to stay while I go out there and kick everyone out? They’ve brought their presents and everything, we can open them later,” he kept his tone light, hand resting on her thigh, rubbing little circles into it. She preened under the attention, leaning her head over and bumping it against his shoulder.
“Yeah…can we, could we just lay down for the rest of the day? Or at least, can I lay down for the rest of the day?”
“Of course, mi amor, of course. Now c’mon, out of the closet, go get comfy and I’ll be right back.”
“Okay, alright,” she got to her feet, following him out of the closet and flopping on their bed, taking in the light scents of her boyfriends and smiling. She crawled into her spot on the far side of the bed, curling up and relishing in the comfort she had despite the fact that it was the same old bed and same old room they had been sleeping in for months now. In this moment, Valeria had the strongest, stupidest urge to buy just one stuffed animal and keep it on her side of the bed. She shooed the the thought away quickly, face turning red at the very mention of it.
The door opened after what only felt like a few moments of being alone, and there they were, her boys, speaking in hushed tones as they walked into the room. Alejandro gaze rose and was fixed on Valeria, a worried smile falling upon his lips as he settled into bed. Rudy followed right after, however, he seemed to do something different, getting in on Valeria’s side and pressing her into the middle (his spot) as gently as possible. When she moved, he made himself comfortable on the outside of their bed, wrapping his arms around her waist and leaning a head into her shoulder.
“Hey.” Alejandro, catching her attention with that soft voice of his, staring at her with those steely eyes, worry laced in his voice yes, but so much adoration that she felt like she would cry again.
“Hi.”
“What’s going on in that head of yours, mi vida?” Alejandro smoothed a hand over her cheek, which she leaned into against her better judgement.
“We’re doing this right now?” A nod from Alejandro, a nod from Rudy. “Well, I’m not the biggest fan of birthday parties, or birthdays in general for that matter,” she took a deep breath, the urge to shut up and just lay in their embrace grew by each word she spoke. “And, well, I’ve never really liked them, don’t know why, but it has something to do with my childhood, I’m sure.”
“Why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Rudy pulled back a little, still holding her, but not wanting to startle her by whispering into her ear.
“I just-I didn’t want to ruin today, really, I wanted us to have a nice time and I just couldn’t do it, uhm…” she said something else at the very end, so quietly that I either do them could hear.
“What was that?”
“I’m sorry, that’s what I said.”
“Why’re you sorry? You didn’t do anything wrong honey, birthdays aren’t for everyone,” Alejandro had that tone of voice he would use on their friends when they acted stupid. Usually Valeria would get angry, feel like she was being talked down to, but now it just made her feel small, in comfortable way of course.
“I don’t know, I just-“ she took a deep breath, gently detaching herself from Rudy’s arms and sitting up, scrunching up her face and letting relax. “Look, don’t except it to happen again, but give me a moment to explain.”
“I-I just had a bad dream and I don’t fully remember what it was about but it’s stuck to me today and kind of ruined everything. My mom, I don’t even know what birthday of mine it was, but she got angry at me for crying and ruining my party and I just, I just didn’t want this to happen today. Don’t get me wrong, I loved what you did for me and it’s been so nice but I just couldn’t do it. And well, Gaz and Soap came to check on me and I just shut down, I almost cried in front of them and I would never usually do that, I hate that, I hate today a little bit, wished we just stayed in bed.”
“Oh sweetie, it’s okay, hey don’t cry,” she didn’t even notice her voice growing shaky again, tears starting to form in her eyes. Alejandro coaxed her into his arms, holding her close to his chest and breathing her in. Rudy sat up as well, moving his hands and pressing them underneath her eyes, swiping away the wetness that formed there.
“Thank you for letting us in,” he spoke so gently, like she was fragile and like she would break if he raised his voice. Valeria wanted to thank him for being so nice, thank them for being so kind to her.
“Now can we lay back down, I’m so tired, and I have a killer headache,” she muttered, separating from Alejandro, flopping back on the bed and spreading out like a starfish on his bed.
“Of course, and maybe later on tonight we can talk about that bet we made?” Rudy brought up what had happened this morning with a smirk, remembering quite clearly how both Alejandro and Valeria had fought to make each other choke on their food. They had added another circumstance to their bet, that if Alejandro choked on his food that it Valeria would make him cry regardless. They both had ended up choking on their food, leaving Rudy to forcefully pat their backs to keep them from dying.
“What, are you a suck little freak who likes watching us being pushed to our limits? Who knew you had such a sadistic streak Rudy,” she waggled her eyebrows, and then burst into a fit of laughter, throwing her head back against the pillows as she did.
“You never know Valeria, Rudy might actually be a dom in hiding, we’ve all seen how he gets with you,” Alejandro settled down beside her, face glowing with a flush.
“You two can shut up, I’ll have you know that I’m perfectly capable of both the things you brought up,” he grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest in faux anger.
“Sure honey, and I’m not the one who’s been crying all day,” Valeria pulled him down, lips gracing his cheeks, each kiss making his face turn redder and redder. She loved them so much, loved how they giggled and laughed, how they spoke to her, spoke to one another. Maybe this wasn’t so bad a birthday after all.