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Jungkook left his home years ago.
He had left behind all the terrors and regrets those walls held, but the fear he once felt was still etched in his heart. No matter how many years had passed since he was able to run away from his family, it seemed that he could never get rid of all the hurt that was done to him. It was as if all the words they used against him had found a place in his skin like hot oil does when it collides with flesh.
There are days when Jungkook must remind himself that he can walk without having to hide the sound of his feet touching the ground. He doesn’t need to close the door softly so that no one notices he is at home. Sometimes, he must remember that if Taehyung let out a sigh too long, it doesn't mean he's mad at him.
Jungkook gets frustrated. It's not fair that after all he had to go through and all he struggled to leave everything that hurt him behind it always managed to chase and catch up. Even if he runs without looking back, even if he feels like his legs are about to explode from the effort it's like he hasn't even gone three steps. And he is so tired. So tired.
He always thought that the day he could leave that house behind, those people behind, would be the day he could feel free. No one prepared him for the aftermath of the trauma. His body is always on high alert. It's as if tranquility for him was forbidden, which would be no surprise to him. He was denied security and love by his parents. If he was not worthy of something as primal as being loved by the people who gave him life, then how could he be able to experience happiness and tranquility.
Something must be wrong with him. He must be broken. Taehyung had assured him on many occasions that this was not the case, that nothing was wrong with him. He really wants to believe him, he really does but if there was nothing wrong with him, why was his family so mean to him? Why didn't they love him? Why didn't they protect him like they were supposed to? Why did they hurt him to the point where he feels there is a hole where his heart should reside? They tore his heart apart part by part until they left his chest hollow and now he doesn't know where to put all the sadness he feels.
Panic attacks are the worst. When he hears a loud sound, he can only remember the times his father yelled and screamed and threw things because he was angry. He remembered the threats, the fear that haunted him at the possibility of being killed by someone who shares the same eyes as him and whose blood runs through his own veins pumping through his shattered heart.
The panic attacks left him so tired and exhausted, fighting with his own head and trying to convince it that he wasn't in fact dying, that he wasn't in that house anymore and that no one was going to hurt him felt like he was fighting the ocean tide. The more you try to breathe and fight the waves the deeper you end up, you feel your lungs crashing, your limbs feeling heavy and dragging you down to the bottom. Sometimes he thinks that letting himself be dragged down by that darkness is the best thing he can do. He doesn't have to feel or think anymore.
There are times when he really thinks about giving up, when he thinks there is no salvation for someone like him. But then he remembers. Taehyung. Taehyung who speaks to him with so much love and assures him that he does indeed deserve to be loved and that the fact that he finds everything so painful only proves that he knows how to love better than anyone else. Taehyung who taught him the beautiful parts of life and that not everything always has to be so painful.
He knows that love is not the cure for his problems, but love helps him feel that there are things worth fighting for and not giving up. He doesn't want to put his fears and guilt on Taehyung, because he deserves better, but he also doesn't want to be miserable when he can be happy. He wants to believe Taehyung when he tells him that everything will get better. He wants to close the wounds in his chest and collect the pieces of his heart that are scattered around his body, learn how to sew, and maybe put them back together to make it work again. He wants to believe that all the pain he feels is not a burden he has to carry all his life and that he doesn't always have to feel sadness to experience an ounce of happiness, nor that parts of him must be torn apart for having allowed himself that moment of happiness.
He wants to look Taehyung in the eyes and have him return his softest smile, put his fingers together, and allow himself to etch every part of his skin into his memory and not worrying that Taehyung can only see in him sunken eyes, deep dark circles under his eyes and a chronic sadness in his gaze. He wants to bring as much joy into Taehyung's life as he brings to his own. He wants to erase all the meanings he has of the word home and build his own with all the moments shared with Taehyung, where only love and affection are the protagonists.
And he knows that all he has to do is agree out loud that he needs help and that is what he does.
“I’m so tired.” Jungkook exhales.
“I know, baby. I’m sorry that you feel that way.” Taehyung says as he runs his fingers through Jungkook’s hair.
“I-I think I need some help besides you,” he softly murmurs. “Like a therapist.”
The fingers stop. “Are you serious? Baby, that’s great and I feel so proud that you’re asking for help.”
“I don’t think it’s fair that I’m burdening you with all my problems. I want you to be happy.” Jungkook started. “I want to be happy with you.”
Jungkook knows that the road will not be easy or short, but if he survived everything that happened in that house, he knows he will survive this and the best thing of all is to see another pair of eyes that only look at him with such love and admiration. Feeling arms that only provide warmth on days when everything feels cold and meaningless.
If the healing process is going to be rewarded with seeing Taehyung's smile more often, being able to laugh with him without his head whispering that he doesn't deserve that happiness and being happy together with the person who taught him the true meaning of home, he is sure it is worth it.