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I loved [him] and sometimes [he] loved me too - pablo neruda

[now]

Chan’s stomach gives a dangerous lurch the moment his train comes to a stop.

“We have now arrived in Seoul.” A monotone voice says over the speakers.

How long has it been since he’s called Seoul home now? Technically it’s only been two years but most of the time it felt like more.

He was a different person when he left, a broken person.

“Sir, this is your stop.” A kind attendant says to him, shaking him out of his thoughts.

“Oh yes! Sorry!” he says, standing up quickly and giving them a short bow. He starts to pack his things back up.

Headphones back into his bag, phone back in his pocket.

The platform is crowded when he gets off, filled to the brim with people moving in every other direction. It’s been a while since he’s been around this many people all at once.

Chan dips and dives through them, none of them recognizing his face. It’s been a while since he’s been able to do that too.

He takes a deep breath once he steps outside, collecting himself.

He sees that Soonyoung is waiting for him with his car before even Soonyoung spots him.

They had talked about it before, he knew that it was happening, but seeing Soonyoung in the flesh for the first time again in two years makes him tear up a little bit.

“Chan-ah!!!” Soonyoung yells as soon as he sees him, hands waving in the air. Chan can’t help it, he takes off running and launches himself into Soonyoung’s arms.

Soonyoung catches him effortlessly and spins him around in circles, the both of them laughing loudly.

Chan has missed Soonyoung so much.

“Ah Channie.” He says happily. “It’s been too long since I've seen your face in person.”

“I guess so.” Chan says, guilt radiating through him.

He didn’t mean to go without seeing the members in person through his entire military service, it just ended up that way.

He spent his breaks in Iksan with his parents. Returning to Seoul was a little too painful, the memories there still a little too fresh.

Soonyoung plucks the hat off of his head and rubs his hand against Chan’s buzzcut.

“You can grow out your hair again.” He smiles. “I’m sure you’re really happy about that.”

“One of the things I was the most excited about.” Chan admits. Soonyoung laughs easily.

He carefully places the hat back on Chan’s head, the touch so soft and gentle Chan almost tears up again.

“Okay, we have to get going if we want to make our reservation on time.” Soonyoung says, grabbing Chan’s wrist and dragging him towards his car.

“Wait what?”

“Dinner? Don’t tell me you forgot about the dinner.” Soonyoung says, exasperated.

After Seungcheol and Jeonghan were discharged, it became a tradition for a group dinner to happen whenever a member returned to Seoul with whichever members were currently in town.

He knew this was coming and it’s not that he doesn’t want to see the other members, it's just…

“Yes, he’s going to be there.” Soonyoung says. “He wants to see you. I know you want to see him too.”

Chan stays quiet.

He’s not sure if he believes that Seungkwan wants to see him.

It’s been three years since they’ve last spoken, three years since Chan looked Seungkwan in the eyes, his own filled with tears.

Worst of all, Chan does want to see Seungkwan because despite it all, he still considers him his best friend.

“I don’t know hyung….” Chan hesitates.

“Ah Lee Chan.” Soonyoung huffs. “It’s just dinner, the first dinner with all thirteen of us in a long time. You’re coming.”

He grips Chan’s shoulders now, practically shoving him in the passenger seat and closing the door behind him.

“I’m not lying when I say he wants to see you.” Soonyoung says quietly and he settles into the driver's seat. “I don’t know what happened but it had a big effect on him too, I can still see it in him.”

Chan wants to scoff.

It was never the same for Seungkwan.

[then]

It was a gloomy day when Chan walked into the green Pledis basement for the first time.

He was wearing a sweater a couple sizes too big for him, making him look far younger than he actually was.

Granted, he was already one of the youngest people in the room.

“You’ll fit right in.” The CEO had told him. “The trainees need another dancer among them, you’ll be a huge help.”

He had big dreams of being an idol, of singing and dancing, when he was back home but now faced with a room full of teenage boys older than him and prettier than him, he could feel it slipping through his grasp.

“Boys,” The Ceo announced, his hand on Chan’s shoulder.

His stomach twisted and turned. He felt like he was going to be sick.

“This is the new trainee, Lee Chan.”

He pushes Chan a little bit, forcing him to stumble forward. He hastily bows as far down as he can.

“Nice to meet you all.” He manages to force out, his voice sounding shaky even to his own ears.

“Nice to meet you too Chan.” they all echo back.

Chan looks up and sees a boy standing in front of him. He must be the eldest of the group, he carries himself like it.

“Take care of him, Seungcheol-ssi.” The CEO sighs. “Make sure he gets situated before practice today.”

Chan feels his eyes widen at that. He’s already going to start practicing?

“I’m Seungcheol.” The boy says, holding his hand out. Chan shakes it, his grip probably a little too weak. “You can call me hyung.”

He points out all the other boys and they each wave when their name is said. Chan tries to remember them all but there really are too many.

Jihoon and Soonyoung and Joshua and Junhui. The names all spin in his head.

“And this is Seungkwan.” He says, pointing to a smaller boy, his cheeks as round as his eyes.

“What year were you born in?” He asks instead of the standard hello the others had been doing.

“What?” Chan asks, a little taken aback.

“Seungkwan..” Seungcheol warns. The boy pays him no mind.

“What year were you born in?” Seungkwan tries again.

“Um…1999.” Chan says.

Seungkwan lights up. “I was born in 1998! You’re the youngest.”

Chan blushes at the fact. He knows he’s young but being the absolute youngest was a bit embarrassing.

“I’m not alone anymore thank god.” Seungkwan groans. “I was getting tired of hanging out with older boys all the time.”

Chan’s head whipped back up. Seungkwan wanted to be…friends with him?

“You’re a dancer right?” Seungkwan asks him.

“Um yeah, I've been dancing since I was really little.” Chan confirms.

“Oh good, you should help me with my dancing.” Seungkwan says “Soonyoung won’t help me anymore, he says I'm too bossy.”

Seungcheol rolls his eyes. “You are too bossy Seungkwan.”

Seungkwan sticks his tongue out at him. It’s horribly childish but Chan giggles anyway.

Their choreography lesson comes and goes and Chan finds himself surprised by how well he feels like he fits into the group already.

He’s never been the one to make friends very easily, never had a group of people to call his own. But, he can feel the potential here, the bubbling of real genuine connection just from their brief interactions.

They take him back to the dorms with them and help him settle in, show him all the places he gets to call his own even though it’s not much. Chan appreciates it.

It’s not until later that week that reality hits him.

It’s late. Way later than Chan should be up when they all have practice so early in the morning, and he’s in the tiny laundry room in their basement trying not to cry.

He’s out of clean clothes and he never really considered that he was going to have to do his own laundry when he came here.

He came down with his pile of clothes and took one look at the washing machine before he broke down into tears.

He missed his family. He already felt like he was growing up at a pace that he couldn’t actually keep up with and this was the final nail in the coffin.

He sits down on the floor with his head in his hands, his laundry scattered around him, unsure of what to do.

He couldn’t wake the others and he’s not sure that he would want to anyway, the situation is embarrassing by itself.

Then the laundry room door opens and Chan looks up to find Seungkwan’s face peeking in.

“You weren’t in bed.” He explains. “I was looking for you.”

Chan tries to wipe the tears from his face as discreetly as he can. “Well, here I am. Nothing to worry about hyung.”

Seungkwan cocks his head, staring Chan down. He feels like Seungkwan can see right through him.

Seungkwan steps into the room and closes the door behind him. Without saying a word, he picks up the laundry Chan had scattered across the floor.

“What are you do-” Chan tries to ask before Seungkwan interrupts him.

“The first rule of doing laundry is that you have to separate your lights and your darks.” He says, throwing Chan’s laundry into two piles.

Chan falls quiet, watching Seungkwan with wide eyes as he goes over all the details of doing laundry.

He explains all the buttons on the machine and shows him the right amount of detergent to use for each load.

“And now we wait.” He says, closing the lid on the machine and pressing the start button.

A silence hangs between them, Chan unsure of what to say.

“Thank you.” He admits quietly. Saying it any louder would make it ten times more embarrassing.

“No one knows how to do laundry until they’re shown how to.” Seungkwan says with a shrug. “My mother taught me how to do it right before I left home, I might as well pass down the information.”

“I appreciate it.”

“We’re the youngest ones here.” Seungkwan says. Seungkwan slides down to the floor, the washing machine to his back. Chan slides down next to him. “We have to look out for each other.”

“Yeah?” Chan smiles.

“Of course. I promise, I swear on my life.”

Chan holds out his pinky finger. “Pinky promise?”

Seungkwan interlocks their fingers with a grin. “Pinky promise.”

Seungkwan takes his mp3 player out of his pocket and hands an earbud to Chan.

He closes his eyes and lets the Wonder Girls sing into his ear.

He doesn’t know when he drifted off but he wakes to Seungkwan gently shaking him.

“Your clothes are done Chan, let’s go to bed.” Seungkwan says.

“Huh?” Chan doesn’t know a lot about laundry, but he knows that you typically use a dryer after using a washing machine.

But when he opens his eyes, he sees Seungkwan gently taking his rugged dancing clothes out of the dryer and placing them in a laundry basket.

“Did you…dry my clothes for me?” He asks, his brain trying to keep up with the image in front of him.

“You were sleeping so well, I didn’t want to wake you up.” Seungkwan supplies. He won’t look up and make eye contact with Chan though.

“Thank you.” Chan says again. He feels like he can’t say it enough.

“We take care of each other.” Seungkwan reinforces. “Now let’s go to bed.”

Seungkwan carries the basket upstairs for Chan despite all of his best efforts to take it from him.

Seungkwan just holds it above his head and shakes his head.

Chan collapses into his bunk when they get back, falling asleep almost immediately to the sounds of Seungkwan’s feet walking around the room.

After that, Chan finds himself following Seungkwan around like a lost puppy.

Seungkwan knows how to change his sheets and cook a meal and is more than happy to help Chan through all the things he’s never had to do for himself before.

But more than that, Seungkwan is cool and funny and good at all the things Chan wishes he was good at.

He saunters around the room with his angelic singing voice and overflowing charisma, making all the other trainees want to befriend him.

Chan couldn’t be like that even if he tried. Back home he wasn’t much of a social butterfly. He didn’t really have a lot of friends, mostly going to school and going to the dance studio.

He wanted to dance, everything else he figured could come after.

But watching Seungkwan, he wished he was blessed with everything that was given to him.

Maybe that’s why he stays in that green basement longer than anyone else, desperate to show that he has something to offer to the team like Seungkwan clearly does.

Tonight is no different.

Chan stares at himself in the mirror, his eyes a little glazed over.

Everyone else has gone back to the dorm, probably settled in bed.

Chan was still here. The green walls feel like they’re closing in on him a little bit.

He had to get this Choreography down. There was something wrong with it when he danced it earlier that day but he could not pick out what it was.

And if he’s not good at it, then why is he here?

He can’t sing yet, isn’t charismatic, and only has the bare bones of rapping down.

Dancing is what he came here with, dancing was the reason.

And he has nothing if it’s gone.

He takes a deep sigh to get his thoughts under control and tries again.

It’s still wrong. He wants to punch the wall.

“Chan?” A voice rings through the empty practice room.

Chan turns to see Seungkwan’s head poking through the door. He’s fully dressed but his eyes are hazy. Chan’s filled with guilt when he realizes Seungkwan was probably robbed of his sleep because no one could find him.

“What are you still doing here?”

Chan swallows hard. He doesn’t want to admit that he can’t do something, that this isn’t working out for him.

“What is it?” Seungkwan steps into the room and closes the door behind him. Of course Seungkwan would know when something was wrong with him.

“It’s just…” Chan trails off.

“Tell me.” Seungkwan is standing in front of him, close enough that Chan could count his eyelashes if he wanted to.

“There’s something wrong with the way I'm dancing the new choreography and I can’t figure out what it is.” Chan admits. His chest doesn’t feel like it’s caving in like he thought it would if he said it out loud.

“Oh that's it?” Seungkwan smiles. “There’s something wrong with the way I do all of our choreography. It’s not that big of a deal.”

Chan clenches his fists and averts his eyes. “It is to me…you don’t get it.”

The room is engulfed in silence again and Chan is afraid that he scared Seungkwan off.

“Teach it to me.”

“What?” Chan looks over to Seungkwan in shock.

“Maybe it would help you figure it out if you taught me the dance?” Seungkwan shrugs. “Maybe seeing it on someone else would give you a different perspective.

It’s…not a bad idea. Chan finds himself nodding.

“Great! Show me what to do teacher!” Seungkwan smiles.

So Chan does. He tells Seungkwan the directions his arms are supposed to go, what beats his feet are supposed to follow.

Seungkwan follows his directions well, nodding along and doing what he’s told.

Once Chan is finished going over it he steps back and has Seungkwan dance it all for him.

He steps back, arms crossed. He feels a lot like his father at this moment. A wave of homesickness washes over him.

He forces it out of his mind, focuses on Seungkwan dancing in front of him.

He claps his hands loudly in the middle of it, making Seungkwan jump.

“What?” He says, hand against his chest. “Did you figure it out?”

“Here, come back and do this move again.” Chan instructs instead of responding, having Seungkwan move through the movements again.

He claps again, breaking into a smile. “I got it!” He says.

He has Seungkwan move the angles of his hips and the angle of his arm and has him dance it again.

This time it looks perfect.

“Oh thank god.” Chan sighs. “I thought it was something wrong with me, I just had the wrong hip placement.”

“See.” Seungkwan pats his back. “It was nothing to worry about.”

Chan knows he should go back to the dorm now, go and get some good sleep before their long practice tomorrow.

Instead, he slides down against the mirrors and sits on the floor. Seungkwan sits down right next to him.

“How do you do it hyung?” Chan asks quietly.

“Do what?”

“How do you always know the exact right thing to do all of the time? I would have never thought to teach someone else the choreography to know what I was doing wrong with it?”

“Channie.” Seungkwan laughs. “I’m not like that.”

“You are! You’re so good with everyone, so funny and kind. All this idol stuff, It all just comes so naturally to you.”

Chan looks at his shoe, scuffing it against the floor.

“I almost had a breakdown because I couldn’t get a single dance move,” Chan says. “What if I'm not fit to debut?”

“That’s stupid.” Seungkwan says bluntly, slapping Chan in the arm hard. “Of course you’re going to debut. You’re talented and handsome and insanely charismatic.”

“ It takes so much effort for me to even talk to one of the other boys.” Chan confesses.

“You want to know a secret Chan.” Seungkwan whispers. Chan looks over to him with wide eyes.

“What?”

“It’s not easy for me.” Seungkwan confesses. “I try so hard every single day. That’s the secret.”

Chan stares at him with wide eyes.

Seungkwan stands up, dusts the dirt off of his pants, and extends his hand out to Chan to help him up.

“We should go to bed, we have to be awake early tomorrow morning.”

Chan just nods and lets himself be led out of the studio and into the direction of the dorms.

[now]

The restaurant isn’t what critics would call “nice” but it’s good and can house thirteen rowdy men without complaint.

They found out they liked the down to earth places a lot better anyway when they were first starting off.

Chan is nervous opening the door. He stares at the knob for a moment hoping he’ll find some courage.

“You’re going to be fine.” Soonyoung says kindly from behind him, reaching forward to open the door for him. “It’s been three years, whatever happened between you and Seungkwan is over with. I’m sure he’s excited to see you too.”

Chan gulps and steps into the building.

He hears the rest of them immediately.

He can feel the tears start to collect in the corners of his eyes. He can hear Seungcheol and Mingyu arguing loudly and Minghao’s giggles floating through the room. It’s comforting. It’s familiar.

Everything about the past two years has been so different. Just hearing his bandmates feels like coming home.

He hears Seungkwan. Always the loudest in the room, always demanding attention. It loosens something in Chan’s chest that he hadn’t realized was knotted in the first place.

Soonyoung guides him through the building to the huge table they’re all occupying.

“Gentlemen!” Soonyoung says, loud enough to make all of them stop talking and look.

“I bring you all a present.”

He steps aside to reveal Chan, smiling bashfully.

It turns into absolute chaos.

Everyone is up from their chairs, pushing each other trying to get to Chan.

Minghao reaches him first, pulling him into a huge hug.

“I missed you.” He says, soft in that way that only Minghao knows how to be soft.

The rest file up, waiting for their turn to hug Chan and whisper about how much they missed him.

Chan feels a little ridiculous. It looks like he’s holding a meet and greet right in the middle of this restaurant.

Seungkwan is last.

He stands there for a moment, just staring at Chan.

He feels his heart start to race.

What if Seungkwan doesn’t like him anymore? What if these three years were enough for Seungkwan to have forgotten him, to not need him anymore.

He pulls Chan into a tight hug, arms wrapped around his neck as tight as he possibly can.

“God, I missed you so much.” He says, quiet enough that only the two of them could hear it.

Then he steps away before Chan can reply or even hug back and sits back down.

Chan stands there, in a bit of a daze. All of his worries about Seungkwan hating him melt away.

“Channie, sit next to me!” Soonyoung says, patting the seat next to him.

“No you got to drive him here!” Jun argues, “He should sit next to me.”

“No he should sit next to me.” Vernon says. “He’s my best friend.”

“What about me?” Mingyu asks him with puppy dog eyes. Then they’re all turned to look at him, expecting a decision.

“Leave him alone.” Seungkwan laughs. “Don’t guilt him into sitting next to you.”

In the end, Chan ends up sitting between Vernon and Mingyu, the latter piling his place with so much food he almost begs him to stop.

‘How was your service?” Joshua asks, always so nice to Chan.

“It was fine.” Chan shrugs. “It probably wasn’t any different than any of yours.”

From the stories the hyungs have told him over the years, Chan knows nothing he has is special, they’ve heard these stories over and over again.

“What about you guys? What have you been working on since I was gone?”

Chan tried his best to keep up with everyone while he was in the military. He facetimed a member whenever he remembered to and texted in their group chat every day but it was never the same.

They all chat about what they’ve been working on since Chan’s been gone, all of them doing something different in the past two years. Vernon talks Chan’s ear off for thirty full minutes about all the producing he got to do just in the past year since he got done with his own military service.

Chan tries to focus on all the other people around him, on the stories they’re telling him with animated hands, but his eyes always wander back to Seungkwan who’s silently watching over them all with a soft smile on his face.

It’s raining when they’ve all eaten their fill and exhausted their conversations. Everyone hugs Chan goodbye and tells him to text them whenever he wants.

Chan nods even though he’s not quite sure he knows how to melt back into the life he had before he left.

Soonyoung tells him to stay at the door and stay dry while he gets the car from the parking lot.

Chan steps outside anyway. He tilts his head back and lets the rain hit his face, bringing him back into his own body.

Tonight was surreal, it was a lot for Chan to take in all at once.

“You’re going to catch a cold doing that?” Chan turns around to see Seungkwan standing in the doorway, staring at him with a soft smile.

Chan shrugs. “Doesn’t really matter anymore does it?”

“Of course it does, your health always matters.”

They survey each other for a moment, taking each other in fully.

Chan hadn’t been able to really look at Seungkwan during dinner but he gets the moment now. Seungkwan is still all soft shapes with sharp eyes and a bright smile. He looks just like the Seungkwan that left him all those years ago. But also a different one.

This Seungkwan holds himself differently, there’s a new aura of confidence that Chan thinks wasn’t there before.

“I really did miss you.” Seungkwan says quietly like he’s afraid he’ll spook Chan if he speaks any louder. “I wasn’t just saying that before, I meant it with all of my heart.”

And against Chan's better judgment, he missed Seungkwan too. Probably more than was healthy.

His life without Seungkwan always felt like he was living with a missing limb. The phantom feeling was always there but when he turned, looking for it, it was gone.

“I missed you too.”

Seungkwan steps forward, letting the rain hit his face, running down his jawline.

“I’m glad you're back and that you came to the team dinner.”

I’m happy you wanted to see me. Chan reads between the lines.

“Of course, you guys are like my family, I couldn’t just ignore you.”

Seungkwan scoffs. “You can easily ignore your family. It means a lot to all of us that you came.”

A car rolls up into the parking lot and Seungkwan looks down at his phone before looking back up at the car.

“That’s my ride.” He says, sounding a little disappointed. “You still have my phone number right?”

He’s self conscious Chan realizes. He’s afraid that Chan deleted his number that day he left.

Chan thinks it’s a little silly because it should be the other way around.

“Um yeah…”

“And your phone number is the same too right?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay good.” Seungkwan smiles. “I’ll text you some time then. Is that okay?”

Chan nods. “Yeah absolutely.”

“Great, “I’ll see you soon then Chan.”

Seungkwan flashes him a brilliant smile before dashing out into the parking lot and climbing into the car.

Chan watches it as it drives out of the parking lot. It reminds him of a much more painful memory.

Soonyoung pulls up in his car, rolls down his window and gives Chan a disapproving look.

“You’re soaked.” he groans.

“Standing in the rain will do that.” Chan sighs.

“The point of you waiting here was so that you didn’t get wet.”

Chan shrugs. “I felt like it. It was nice.”

“Nice to know you’re as weird as you’ve ever been.” Soonyoung mumbles. “Are you ready to go home?”

“I guess so.”

[then]

Chan was seething, his breathing shallow and his muscles tense..

It wasn’t uncommon for him and Seungkwan to fight, the two of them butting heads more often than not.

He and Seungkwan were stubborn to a fault, both of them doubling down on their points even if they didn’t really believe in them.

They fought on their way to school, on their way back, on the cab ride home, in the middle of practice.

The other boys learned to tune them out, not even bothering to try and break them up at this point.

Seungkwan and Chan always made up, their fights never lasted longer than a day. Everyone knew to just let it run its course.

Today it was because of dancing. Chan was trying to teach Seungkwan some choreography before their dance classes for the day and they got in an argument over a move, Seungkwan insisting it was one way and Chan insisting that it was another way.

It was a dumb argument, something that could be easily proven, but the two of them let it go on and linger.

They’re still fighting when the other boys show up.

Seungcheol gives the two of them a pointed look and Chan snaps his mouth shut immediately. He knows when to keep quiet, especially around the eldest.

So he backs away from Seungkwan without a second thought and starts talking to the other boys.

Practice was the same as it always was and the fight was pushed to the back of his mind.

The next day Seungkwan is ignoring him.

It’s not their usual teasing either, this feels purposeful and a little malicious.

Seungkwan is standing across the room from him, a huge smile plastered on his face, and all the other boys surrounding him as he tells some story.

He’s been pushed out. Seungkwan managed to collect the attention of everyone else in the room and direct it away from Chan.

Was it because of their fight yesterday? Chan didn’t think it was much different than the ones they had before but something about it must have bothered Seungkwan.

He slumps against the mirror and watches as Seungkwan animatedly moves his arms around. The other boys laugh.

He’s never really felt left out before. He’s never been so close with someone that being left out like this would leave such a large wound in his heart.

So much of his time as a trainee has revolved around Seungkwan. Not being by his side felt wrong.

He tries to imagine it, spending the rest of his time here without having Seungkwan as a friend.

He remembers one day, they were returning home from school, both of them choosing to walk instead of spending their small amount of allowance they received on a cab.

Seungkwan was humming. It was some girl group song they had listened to together the day before.

“Chan.” Seungkwan had said, turning to him. “Let’s go to the arcade.”

“We have to be at the practice rooms by eight.” Chan sighed. Seungkwan did this most days, trying to get Chan to blow off practice in one way or another in favor of doing something stupid.

“Easy, we had to stay after school to work on some homework.” Seungkwan shrugs. “Come on, we never get to do anything actually fun anymore. When’s the last time you even set foot in an arcade?”

Chan supposes they don’t get any time to have fun, destined to go from School, to practice, to bed, and repeat.

“I guess it was when I lived in Iksan.” he says.

So he lets himself be pulled by Seungkwan in the direction of the arcade.

“Come on, I wanna play street fighter!” Seungkwan said as soon as they entered the building.

The two of them settled in front of the street fighter game, each taking turns using the last of their allowance on game after game.

They spend the rest of the evening there, making it home well after nine. No one even questions them when they walk in the dorm doors, Seungcheol just giving the two of them a wide smile from his perch on the couch.

“I’m glad you agreed to come.” Seungkwan said later that night when they’re both lying down on their beds.

“It was fun.” Chan agreed.

“I’m glad I have you to do these kinds of things with. I don’t think anyone else would let me drag them into an arcade”

And Chan had found that he was glad too.

Without Seungkwan, who would drag him to an arcade after school? Who would excitedly show him the new songs he was working on and suggest songs for Chan to sing?

Seungkwan could easily find someone else to take those spots in his life, all he would have to do was smile and drag them along. Chan didn’t have the same luxury.

He starts to tear up a little, the wetness collecting at the bottom of his eyes.

He jolts up, booking it out of the room.

He’s fully crying now, the tears streaming down his face.

He’s not sure why he’s crying so hard, Seungkwan not wanting to be his friend shouldn’t have this kind of effect on him.

He finds an empty hallway and slides down onto the floor, his head in his hands as he tries to gain control over his breathing again.

A hand lands on his shoulder and he flinches.

“Chan-ah?” A voice says.

Chan looks up to see Soonyoung standing in front of him awkwardly.

“Are you okay?”

Chan shrugs, not in the mood to explain his entire thought process at the moment, not even sure if he would be able to if he wanted to.

“It’s stupid.” He grumbles.

“It’s not stupid if it’s making you upset.” Soonyoung says softly, squatting down to Chan’s level.

“Here, do you want to call your mom?” He asks, holding out his phone. Chan looks at Soonyoung in shock. Usually, they were only allowed phone calls at night, and they definitely weren’t allowed to have phones in the practice room.

“Yeah.” He says.

His mom picks up after a single ring.

“Hello?”

“Mom.” Chan says, choking back tears.

“Channie? What’s wrong?” She asks. The voice makes Chan so horribly homesick.

“I want to come home.” He cries, the tears flowing down his cheeks again.

“Oh Channie, then come home.” She coos. “No one will blame you. If you’re so upset you should come home.”

It would be so easy to pack up all of his things and go back to Iksan. He could be a child again there, see his mother and father every day. Maybe he could take over the dance studio some day.

It’s a future he can see so clearly but he’s not sure if he wants it.

“Channie?” His mother’s voice brings him back down to earth.

“Yeah?”

“Really think about it okay.” She’s serious now, like she knew where Chan’s thoughts were going when he went silent. “If you still want to leave in the morning, call me and tell me okay.”

“Yes, Eomma.” He says. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She says. Chan can tell she's smiling.

Soonyoung carefully takes the phone from him.

“You really wanna go home?” He asks, gently.

“I don’t know.” Chan says. He feels like he’s going to burst into tears again. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

Soonyoung places an awkward hand on his shoulder in an attempt to be comforting. “You are one of the most talented dancers I have ever met. It would be a shame if you never debuted.”

Chan climbs into his bed that night numb.

Did he want to go home? Did he want to give all of this up?

He knew he couldn’t go on without Seungkwan by his side though.

He’s interrupted by a body sliding into bed with him.

“Chan-ah.” A voice whispers, Seungkwan’s.

Chan is tempted to ignore him.

“Yes hyung?” He says instead.

“I’m sorry…for today.”

Seungkwan doesn’t elaborate but Chan knows what he means, all the passive aggressive exclusion must have been weighing on Seungkwan’s mind.

“I won’t do it again.” He says firmly.

“Okay.” Chan says, simple. Not forgiving but not malicious either.

Seungkwan must accept it because he squirms under the covers closer to Chan and wraps his arms around his waist, holding him close.

“I need you here.” He says, so quiet that Chan barely catches them.

Perhaps they weren't meant to be heard, just something Seungkwan needed to get off of his chest.

“I need you too.” Chan says, just as quiet.

He doesn’t know if Seungkwan hears him but he does hold Chan closer to his chest.

They fall asleep like that, wrapped around each other in a small twin bed.

Chan calls his mom the next night and tells her he’s not going back home.

[now]

Chan gradually wakes up completely alone in a place he barely recognizes. A complete contrast to his mornings in the military.

He’s not sure what to do next.

In the military, all of his days were planned out, little time given for him to think about what he would rather be doing. He was thankful for that.

But now, he’s directionless with endless possibilities and no idea where to start.

The apartment was barren, he never got around to decorating it when he moved in after the incident. He never felt like it was home anyway.

Chan tries to avoid looking at any of the walls as he makes his way into his kitchen.

His fridge is empty and so are all his cupboards. Eating at home was a no go then.

When he pulls out his phone to order something for delivery, he sees a lone text from a number he hasn’t gotten a single notification from in three years.

Seungkwan
Did you get home safe last night? I know soonyoung can be a bit of a reckless driver.

The message makes Chan smile. He wasn’t expecting Seungkwan to actually follow through with his promise of texting.

Chan
made it home safe and sound. He’s not as bad as he used to be, I used to fear for my life whenever I was in a car with him.

Seungkwan
kekeke I still fear my life most of the time i’m around him.

Chan
Glad to see that you still worry too much.

Seungkwan
I can’t help but worry, it’s who I am.

Does Seungkwan even still have the right to worry about Chan? All those years of radio silence didn’t exactly say that Seungkwan was worried about him.

Then again, it’s not like he reached out either.

Before he could let himself go down that hole, his phone chimes again

Seungkwan
So what are your plans for your first official day home? Anything exciting?

Chan
Ordering takeout I guess. Came home to an empty apartment. Not even the cupboards have anything in them.

Seungkwan
What? You can’t order takeout already! You need a home-cooked meal!

Chan
Did you miss the part where I said I don’t have any food?

Seungkwan
go grocery shopping, get familiar with the real world again.

Chan
scary

Seungkwan
It’s a lot at first but it gets easier every day, we all had to go through the readjustment period. Do you want me to grocery shop with you? I have the time today.

Chan stares at his phone.

Is it a good idea to let Seungkwan back in just like that? Like his enlistment day never happened?

Seungkwan
It's fine if you don’t want to, I just thought I would offer.

Chan remembers what it’s like to have Seungkwan as a friend, always willing to go the extra mile for you. He never stopped doing that for Chan.

Chan
No, that sounds great. Just come over and we can go.

Seungkwan
I kinda need your address.

That sings a little in his chest.

Chan
right..here

Seungkwan
be there soon!

Seungkwan is going to be here, in his apartment.

Luckily, the place is still spotless but one look in the mirror tells Chan that he needs to do something about his appearance and fast.

One nice pair of jeans and a fine tooth comb later, he’s opening the door for Seungkwan.

“Wow…I didn’t know you lived in a place this big?” He says, looking around.

“Seungcheol hyung said it was a good investment or something.” Chan shrugs. “I don’t really care for it.”

“It’s…nice.” Seungkwan settles on. Chan knows he’s lying. It’s sad and lacks anything that would give any indication that it’s his.

“I guess so.”

Seungkwan clears his throat a bit awkwardly. Things are still a bit strange between them, Chan isn’t confident that that will ever change.

“Do you know where the closest grocery store is?”

Chan shrugs.

Seungkwan cracks a smile. “You are hopeless sometimes.” He says as he pulls out his phone.

He finds a nice grocery store only a mile away, one of those healthy ones where everything is a little overpriced.

Seungkwan shoves a shopping cart into his hands as soon as they walk through the doors before starting to lead them through the isles.

It’s horribly domestic.

“Do you eat a lot of pasta?” Seungkwan asks, staring at the box in his hands instead of at Chan.

“Yeah I guess so.”

“Okay good.” he throws the box in the cart and continues walking, leaving Chan to try and keep up.

“I listened to your solo work yesterday.” Chan admits to Seungkwan.

Curious, he had googled Seungkwan’s name on the way home, his phone tilted so Soonyoung couldn’t see the screen.

He knew that Seungkwan had released music while he was still in the military, he had heard some of his bunk mates talking about it in their free time.

Chan was afraid to listen, afraid to find out what Seungkwan felt after all these years.

So finally listening to it now was a bit nerve-racking.

But it was lovely. Seungkwan sang a lot about love and longing for it. For wishing he had held onto it when he had the chance. Chan tries not to get his hopes up.

“That’s so embarrassing.” Seungkwan covers his face. “Please tell me you didn’t watch the music video.”

“Of course I did!” Chan smiles. “It was the best part.”

Seungkwan groans louder, covering his entire head with his hands.

“I really liked it hyung.” Chan insists. “It was really good, you’re really good.”

“You really think so.” Seungkwan says, glancing at Chan through his fingers.

“Of course.” Chan rolls his eyes.

“What about the choreography?” Seungkwan asks.

“Amazing!” Chan smiles. “Show stopping! Out of this world! I am so proud of my dance student!”

“You’re so embarrassing.” Seungkwan says, punching Chan’s arm. But he’s smiling so Chan smiles back.

“”I think I’ll have enough songs to make an EP by the end of the year.”

“Oh wow! That’s amazing Seungkwan.” And Chan is horribly proud of Seungkwan, who’s wanted an album of his own for as long as Chan has known him. “I can’t wait to hear some of it.”

“I’ll make sure to send it to you.” Seungkwan nods. “It would mean a lot if you would listen to it.”

“I would listen to anything you put out.” Chan says.

Seungkwan blushes.

“Have you thought about what you want to do now?” Seungkwan asks.

Chan hadn’t thought too hard about it. Ever since they came to the decision that they wouldn’t return as 13 right away when Chan returned from the military he’s been stuck in a limbo of sorts.

Stuck between wanting to be the Dino that everyone loved so much from his youth or to be the Lee Chan he knows he is on the inside.

“Nothing yet.” Chan sighs. “I’ll probably teach some of the trainees choreography like Soonyoung does.

“You don’t have to rush into anything.” Seungkwan reassures him, a gentle hand on his back.

“I know…the readjusting period.” Chan deadpans. It makes Seungkwan giggle.

“Come on, we need some fresh produce.” Seungkwan declares. Chan’s grateful for the change in conversation.

Seungkwan picks out peppers and celery and onions while Chan looks on, wondering how on earth he was going to be able to cook with all of this..

“Do you think I'll need lettuce?” Chan asks, staring at the huge lettuce bulbs in confusion, wording if one of them is better than the others.

“Do you eat a lot of salads?” Seungkwan asks.

“Well…not a lot but-”

“Then you don’t need it.” Seungkwan drags Chan down another aisle.

“Think about what you actually eat.”

“Well…” Chan lists off his actual meal preferences and Seungkwan writes them down on his phone.

It takes the two of them thirty minutes to find everything that Chan needs to make himself meals for the week.

“I feel like I'm back in the dorms.” Seungkwan says as he sets the grocery bags down on Chan’s counter. “Teaching you how to be an adult all over again.”

Chan smiles. “Yeah, those were the days huh.”

Seungkwan takes control over the oven, Setting Chan’s pots and pans carefully down on the surface. Chan doesn’t complain.

Chan chops vegetable after vegetable, handing them over to Seungkwan once he’s done. They work in comfortable silence, the only sound being Seungkwan’s continuous humming.

It should be weird between them, there should be this enormous wall between the two of them that neither of them are willing to knock down.

Instead, it’s the most at home Chan has felt in years.

They set the table and Seungkwan turns Chan’s TV on, queuing some random kpop music videos Chan couldn’t name even if he tried.

“You’re so behind on kpop music.” He scoffs. “I have to get you all caught up.”

“That was always more your thing anyway.” Chan says with a smile.

He lets Seungkwan show him kpop song after kpop song anyway.

[then]

Something has shifted between Chan and Seungkwan.

The ground beneath them had moved some at some point between their huge trainee fight and their debut and now they stood on rocky footing.

Their fighting before wasn’t like this, Chan knew it was nothing like this.

It wasn’t lighthearted and good natured underneath it all, it was needling. Like waving a red flag in front of a bull.

Chan wanted to provoke, he wanted a fight, and somewhere deep down he wanted it to hurt.

Chan would snear something at Seungkwan, probably about his attitude, and Seungkwan would snap back immediately, teeth and all.

Seungkwan was never precious with him, never afraid to press down onto healing bruises with as much force as possible.

Chan was the same way.

“You were off beat.” Chan says, cornering Seungkwan after the performance.

His adrenaline is rushing in his ears and all he can think about is Seungkwan Seungkwan Seungkwan.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Seungkwan bites back, pushing Chan back with two hands against his chest. It burns where he’s touched.

“I’m talking about Mansae.” He says. “You were off beat, everyone noticed.”

The other members are filing in behind them, finally noticing the fight.

“Fuck you, I know I was on beat. If anything, people noticed how you were off key in Aju Nice.” Seungkwan says. “Maybe you need a better vocal teacher if you’re going to sing like that on stage.”

Chan opens his mouth, ready to bite when Seungcheol steps between them, forcing distance. Chan didn’t realize how close they were standing before.

“Okay, you two need to go cool down.” He says, giving both of them pointed looks. “Before this turns into something the two of you can’t take back.”

Chan wants to argue that this never means anything, he never takes anything Seungkwan says in these fights to heart.

It’s a game between the two of them, they push and push and push until one of them falls over, it’s usually Chan.

Sure, Seungkwan comments sometimes hit a little too close to home but one text later and Seungkwan is assuring him that he didn’t mean it.

Seungkwan scoffs and spins on his heel, stopping out of the room quickly followed by Vernon.

“You guys have to stop doing this.” Seungcheol says, sounding exhausting.

But Chan loved it. He loved fighting with Seungkwan. He loved the look in his eyes when he was actually angry,

Maybe it’s the satisfaction of it all, that if he lashes out Seungkwan will lash right back.

So Chan shrugs the comment off storming off in a different direction. He knows he’ll text Seungkwan later and apologize for it later anyway.

Seungcheol sits him down the next day after practice.

“What’s been going on between you and Seungkwan?” He asks, blunt and to the point.

“What do you mean?” Chan plays dumb. They both know what Seungcheol means.

Seungcheol just stares, arms crossed over his chest. He’s towering over Chan like this and he feels so young.

It makes him hyper aware of his age. He’s only eighteen, he has no idea what he’s doing.

“Chan.” Seungcheol pushes. “We’re all concerned with how much the two of you have been bickering lately.”

“It’s nothing out of the ordinary.” Chan brushes the comment off.

“Not usually but…it’s become a lot more frequent nowadays. Even the staff has noticed and have asked me about the two of you.”

Chan is stunned for a moment.

“The staff?”

“Yeah, they’re worried that the two of you hate each other.”

“That’s ridiculous.” Chan scoffs.

“Is it?”

Chan looks Seungcheol in the eyes but sees no signs of dishonesty.

“Do you think we hate each other?” He asks quietly.

“No, of course not.” Seungcheol says softly “Chan, when was the last time you and Seungkwan hung out, just the two of you?”

Chan thinks for a moment and comes up with nothing. Ever since their debut, Seungkwan had been floating farther and farther away from him without Chan even being aware of it.

“Huh.” He says. “I can’t remember.”

“I think I know what’s happening.” Seungcheol sighs. “I think you’re poking at Seungkwan and purposefully aggravating him because you want his attention and have no idea how else to get it.”

Chan opens his mouth to argue but the more he thinks about it, the more it makes sense.

“It makes sense to miss him.” Seungcheol continues. “You two used to be attached at the hip before.”

Chan can feel tears spring to his eyes. He prays none of them fall.

“What do I do?” He asks, voice shaky.

“Well, you could start with hanging out with Seungkwan. Just the two of you.” Seungcheol says. He reaches up and runs his fingers through Chan’s hair, Chan can’t help but lean into it.

“Okay.” He mumbles.

“Promise me you’ll try?”

“I promise hyung.”

It takes Chan four days to find the courage to ask Seungkwan to hang out with him.

It’s crazy, he’s known Seungkwan for years now, knows him like the back of his hand at this point, but asking him to hang out makes him feel sick to his stomach.

“Hey Seungkwan.” Chan pops his head into their bedroom where Seungkwan is perched on his bed, face mask on and nose in a book.

Seungkwan looks up and narrows his eyes. “What?” He asks, defensive and ready for a fight. Chan tries not to visibly cringe.

“I was just wondering if you wanted to get something to eat with me….Seungcheol hyung told me the new ramen place down the street is really good. My treat.” Chan says, the tips of his ears burning red.

Seungkwan’s phone timer goes off and he peels the face mask off of his face. “Who else is going?” He asks.

Chan flinches. “Oh…just us…..if that’s okay?”

“Oh.” Seungkwan’s eyes are wide but not disappointed. Chan takes it as a win. “Yeah that sounds nice, let me change though.”

“Yeah, of course.” Chan says, trying to not sound too giddy.

He goes and waits in their living room, pacing back and forth.

“Chan, I can hear you from our room.” Soonyoung whines, sticking his head out of his bedroom door. “What are you pacing for?”

“I-” Chan starts but is interrupted by Seungkwan walking into the room.

“Okay i’m ready to go.” He says with a smile.

Chan’s head whips towards Seungkwan and then back to Soonyoung who had a knowing grin on his face.

“I see.” He smiles. “Have fun you two.” He disappears back into his room leaving Chan a little confused.

“I’m starving.” Seungkwan whines. “Let’s go.”

Chan laughs. “All right, let’s go.”

It’s early spring so the weather is perfect.

They walk past sprouting bushes and blooming flowers. It feels like everything is coming back to life. A fresh start.

Chan’s hand keeps bumping against Seungkwan’s.

Seungcheol really did recommend the ramen shop and it did not disappoint. Chan orders for the both of them, ignoring Seungkwan’s objections to the younger of the two paying.

They decide to take their food outside to eat, to enjoy the weather.

They sit in silence on the curb, eating their food. It’s not an uncomfortable silence Chan finds. It’s the kind where you don’t feel the need to fill the air with words because the presence of another person is good enough.

Just having Seungkwan next to him like this makes him feel lighter.

Only when they’re done, their trash thrown away, does Chan speak.

“I wanted to apologize.” He says weakly.

“Apologize?” Seungkwan questions.

“Yeah. For fighting with you all the time. I know I agitate you on purpose and I’m sorry.”

Seungkwan throws his head back and laughs. Chan just stares at him in confusion.

“You don’t need to apologize, that’s just the way we are. Sure, we’ve been fighting more lately but it’s a two sided thing.”

“Seungcheol hyung is worried.” Chan rubs the back of his neck. “He says all the staff think we hate each other.”

“That’s dumb.” Seungkwan finally concludes. Chan lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. “We fight because it’s fun…. Right?”

“Right!” Chan says, desperate to agree. He doesn’t want to think about wanting Seungkwan’s undivided attention and how Seungcheol might actually be right…at least when it comes to him.

Because he does want Seungkwan’s attention. He likes when his eyes are locked onto his own, fire visible in them.

It’s fun to fight but it’s only fun when it’s with Seungkwan.

“Seungcheol doesn’t get us.” Seungkwan says firmly. “I don’t think anyone does.”

Chan thinks it’s quite a nice thought, that the relationship between the two of them was just for them to understand and no one else.

Something for just the two of them.

“Yeah.” Chan agrees. “No one else gets it.”

[now]

Letting Seungkwan back into his life was almost too easy. Like Seungkwan was a missing puzzle piece just waiting to be put back into its rightful place.

Seungkwan texts him all the time. Mundane things like the dogs he had seen that day or the random gossip he had overheard in line at the coffee shop.

And Chan cherished every text, every piece of Seungkwan he got.

It was pathetic, he knew that. Seungkwan was never going to like him that way, he came to terms with that a long time ago.

It’s just a stupid crush, a knee jerk reaction to having Seungkwan back in his life. It’ll disappear soon enough.

In return Chan would text him pictures from practice, talk about how much he’s enjoying being a choreographer for the time being.

It’s nice. Talking to Seungkwan is nice.

“I need a new apartment.” Chan tells Seungkwan one day during one of their random weekly phone calls.

Chan was never someone who particularly liked talking on the phone but when it came to Seungkwan, he never minded it that much.

“What? Why?”

Chan falters for a moment. He doesn’t want to tell Seungkwan that he bought it after he left. That he wanted to get out of the dorms, that Seungcheol told him it would be a good investment to have anyway.

He never bothered to decorate it, to make it feel like home. It felt like a hotel room.

“It just doesn’t feel like home.” Chan sighs. “It’s too barren.”

Seungkwan hums in agreement

“What if you just redecorate it?”

“Huh?”

“Just get new furniture, paint the walls, and put some pictures up.” Seungkwan says. “Sounds a million times easier than moving to an entirely new apartment.”

Chan figures Seungkwan is right. The walls are plain white, the furniture white too. All pristine and plain, nothing that screams him.

“I guess that would work.” Chan says.

“Are you working today?”

“Just working on choreography until three.”

“Good, I'll be over by four then.”

“...why.”

“I’ll bring over some stuff to help redecorate.”

Chan has no idea what “some stuff” entails but he agrees and goes throughout his day a little too excited to see Seungkwan at the end of it.

“You’re chipper today.” the dance instructor comments roughly an hour into their workshopping.

Chan is trying to work on some choreography for some newer groups in the company, get his footing back when it comes to work before he begins on his own projects.

“Aren’t I always?” Chan asks.

“Yeah but this is different.” She comments. “You just seem really….happy I guess.”

And what a strange thought. That just the thought of seeing Seungkwan after work would make him so happy.

There was a time when being with Seungkwan was the highlight of his day, he’s not sure when it started to be that again.

“I just have nice plans with a friend after work.” He says.

Seungkwan is standing outside of his apartment complex, a box under each arm, when he returns home.

“What are you doing?” Chan asks, taking a box from Seungkwan. It’s heavy, he wonders what on earth Seungkwan brought him.

“I brought you some things to help make your apartment more like home.” Seungkwan shrugs.

Turns out the box was filled with cans of paint. Seungkwan goes through each of the colors with Chan before he settles on a light blue in his living room.

“A good choice.” Seungkwan nods.

They move all the furniture into the middle of the room and put tape around all the edges of the wall.

Chan wasn’t really prepared to paint today but Seungkwan turns on a 2000s girl group radio station, changes into one of Chan’s old t-shirts, and starts painting.

His apartment already feels more like a home than it ever did before and they haven’t even finished the first coat of paint.

They work mostly in silence, going over their section in complete focus. They’re both too much of a perfectionist to do anything other than a perfect job.

“There.” Seungkwan says once he’s done with his wall. “This already looks so much better.”

Chan can’t help but agree. The walls remind him of the sky now, make him feel like it’s easier to breathe.

“I also brought some decorations for you.” He says, digging back into one of the boxes he brought.

Seungkwan pulls out multiple frames, each of them continuing a different picture of seventeen at different points of their life.

Chan picks one up. They’re horribly young in it, Chan himself can’t be older than seventeen. He has one arm wrapped around Soonyoung and the other around Seungkwan. He’s smiling with all of his teeth, like that day was the best day of his life. At that moment, he probably thought it was.

There’s a finger under his eye, whipping away a tear he wasn’t even aware had emerged.

“What’s wrong?” Seungkwan asks gently, his hand cupping Chan’s cheek gently.

“Nothing is wrong, I just love you guys so much. A lot of good memories.” Chan says, holding the frame close to his heart.

Seungkwan smiles. “Yeah, we had some good times, didn't we?”

They stare at each other, both of them daring the other to say something. To reference the incident in any way.

In the end, Chan never finds the bravery and he supposes Seungkwan doesn’t either.

“Are you hungry?” He asks instead.

Chan nods. They leave it at that.

[then]

Chan is on the brink of sleep when a strip of light forces his eyes open.

There’s a figure standing in his doorway looking a little off balance.

Chan closes his eyes again, figuring it was just one of the members drunk, nothing out of the ordinary.

Then he feels a body climb into bed with him.

“What-” He groans, opening his eyes again. He’s met with the sight of Seungkwan lying on his side, staring at Chan.

In the glow of the hallway light Chan can see the makeup still on his face, the way his hair is ruffled enough to signal a night out, and the drunken glaze over his eyes.

“Seungkwan hyung?” he asks, mind foggy.

“Channie” Seungkwan giggles. He scoots closer to Chan on the bed, throwing his arm around Chan’s middle.

“What are you doing?” Chan asks.

“Chan-ah, we had so many struggles when we were trainees didn’t we.” He slurs. “But we made it through. I love you so much.”

“You’re drunk.” Chan concludes

“You’re so mean to me.” Seungkwan whines, rolling on to his back. “You’re always so mean to me.”

“I’m not always mean to you.” Chan tries to argue. “You’re drunk, you should go to bed.

“You’ve never been nice to me like you are with the other members.” Seungkwan continues, ignoring Chan completely. “I love you Channie, why don’t you love me?”

Love.

That was a word Chan hadn't heard come from Seungkwan’s mouth directed at him for a long time.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Chan says.

“I do!” Seungkwan exclaims. “I love you and you don’t love me! You hate me!”

“Oh my god, Seungkwan I don’t hate you, I could never hate you.” Chan sighs. “Best friends no matter what, I promise.”

Seungkwan looks over at him, eyes wide and filled with stars.

“Promise?” Seungkwan holds up his pinky.

“Yeah, I promise.” Chan locks their pinkies together.

They lie there, staring at each other on Chan’s tiny bed, close enough that Chan can feel Seungkwan’s breath against his face.

The only thing lighting up Seungkwan’s face is the moon streaming through the window and Chan finds he can’t tear his eyes away.

Seungkwan lifts his hand up and rests it against Chan’s cheek. Chan leans into the warmth.

They don’t break eye contact. Their pinkies are still interlocked between them.

Something about this moment is electric, Chan feels like it’s significant, something groundbreaking.

He wants to lean closer. He wants to do something he really shouldn’t do.

Seungkwan’s lips look really pretty. They look so red and plush right now, probably from spending the whole night biting his lip as he listened to his other friends talk.

The thought should probably scare him but it doesn’t. It feels natural, like he’s felt this way about Seungkwan his whole life, this was just the breaking point.

It doesn’t feel scary, wanting to kiss Seungkwan.

It would be so easy, there’s no space between the two of them. One slight movement from Chan and their noses would be brushing.

But Seungkwan’s eyes are hazy and he’s clearly fighting sleep at this point.

“Seungkwan hyung, you’re drunk.” Chan settles on.

“...Yeah I am.” Seungkwan smiles then. It’s a little lopsided but Chan thinks it looks a little too perfect.

“You’re going to be mad if you don’t wash your makeup off.” Chan says. He finally lets go of Seungkwan’s pinky.

Seungkwan frowns, like he just remembered that he was even wearing makeup. “I don’t want to get up.” He whines, his hand sliding from Chan’s cheek to his waist, gripping tight.

“You’re going to feel gross in the morning if you don’t get up though.” Chan argues. “And I know you’re going to feel like garbage already.”

Seungkwan groans but loosens his grip on Chan, letting him sit up and maneuver Seungkwan out of bed.

“Come on, I'll help.” Chan says softly as he leads Seungkwan down the hallway and to their shared bathroom.

It’s surprisingly quiet in the dorms tonight, Seungkwan and Chan’s bare feet against the hardwood floor being the only sound echoing through the hallways

Seungkwan sits down on the toilet seat as soon as they get into the bathroom and looks at Chan expectantly.

“..What?”

“Will you remove my makeup for me?” Seungkwan asks, eyes big and pretty. Have they always been that pretty?

Chan sighs but pulls out the stash of makeup wipes Seungkwan keeps in the bathroom.

With one hand, he grabs Seungkwan’s jaw to keep him in place while the other works in gentle circles around his skin.

Seungkwan stares up at him, eyes unblinking. Chan really wants to do something stupid.

But he focuses on the task at hand. He carefully wipes the concealer off of his cheeks and the slight mascara off from under his eyes.

Seungkwan’s skin has always been pretty, always had the best out of all of them even if Seungkwan didn’t believe it. But this close up, it feels almost godlike. Chan thinks it would be worthy of Aphrodite.

“Do you want to use face wash too?” He asks. Seungkwan nods.

Chan backs away from Seungkwan and throws the makeup wipe in the trash, reaching for Seungkwan’s cleanser.

He doesn’t know when he learned Seungkwan’s entire skincare routine, down to the exact products. Probably just due to osmosis from sharing a bathroom with him for years now or maybe he’s just been stashing away facts about Seungkwan for years now without even being aware of it. At least it’s coming in handy now.

Chan squeezes a bit into his hands and gently massages it into Seungkwan’s face. Seungkwan’s eyes fall close, a content hum falling from his mouth.

It feels intimate to touch Seungkwan like this, to take care of him in a way that no one else has. Chan likes it.

He runs his fingers across Seungkwan’s cheeks, down the bridge of his nose, traces his jaw line.

“Okay, can you get up and rinse this off?” He asks. Seungkwan nods and stands up, only a little unsteady on his feet.

He leans over the sink and splashes warm water on his face. Chan stands and watches, probably a little too enamored.

Seungkwan sits back down on the toilet seat and looks up at Chan with those big doe eyes again.

“Moisturizer?” He asks, voice small.

“Yeah, okay.” Chan nods.

He grabs Seungkwan’s moisturizer and repeats the motions he was going before. Seungkwan melts under his touch as he gently massages his temples.

“Feels nice.” Seungkwan slurs, his voice rough, low, and ready for bed. “It’s like a massage.”

“This is a once in a lifetime service.” Chan says, but he’s smiling. He would do this again for Seungkwan in a heartbeat and they both know it.

Once Chan steps away, Seungkwan gestures for Chan to hand him his tooth brush, thankfully not demanding that Chan do that for him as well.

When he’s all done and officially clean, he follows Chan back into their room.

Instead of climbing into his own bed though, he climbs back into Chan’s.

“Seungkwan hyung.” He says, a little exasperated.

“Can I please sleep here tonight.” Seungkwan asks. He sounds so sincere, so genuine, that Chan can’t help but agree.

He climbs in next to Seungkwan, His skin burning everywhere they touch.

“I do love you, you know.” Chan says into the dark, refusing to look at Seungkwan.

“I know.”

He hesitantly wraps an arm around Seungkwan but the other melts into it, leaning back into Chan until his back is flush with Chan’s back.

Chan tries very hard not to think about it as he falls asleep.

He wakes up to an empty bed, his sheets wrinkled and thrown every which way on the side Seungkwan was sleeping.

Chan smiles at the sight. It’s so horribly Seungkwan, proof that he existed in Chan’s space

He should probably be freaking out a little bit more, he came to a pretty important revelation last night.

He wanted to kiss Seungkwan. He wanted to kiss a boy.

This revelation was career ending, life ruining.

But to Chan, it felt like it was always there, just waiting for him to look over and notice it there, abandoned in the corner.

It made sense even though it shouldn’t have.

He gets up and makes his way to the kitchen, Seungkwan already there staring down at a bowl of cereal like it personally offended him.

“How are you feeling hyung?” He asks with a smile.

Seungkwan groans.

“That bad?”

“I drank way too much last night.” Seungkwan grumbles. “Did I say anything embarrassing last night? I’m sorry I fell asleep in your bed.”

Chan thinks about glassy eyed Seungkwan telling him that he loved him over and over and over again.

“No.” he says softly. “Nothing more embarrassing than usual.”

“Okay good.” Seungkwan sighs. “That doesn’t help with the pounding headache I have though.”

“Have you taken any pain meds?”

“Not yet.”

Chan grabs the pack they keep in the kitchen drawers and throws it to Seungkwan.

“Drink a lot of water okay.” He says.

Seungkwan nods, a smile on his face.

[now]

“It’s been forever since you’ve done karaoke right?” Seungkwan asks him.

Chan is lying on his couch, arms pillowed under his head as he talks to Seungkwan on the phone.

He’s not sure when this became a thing they did but they talk on the phone at least once a day, mostly about nothing.

“I guess so.” Chan says. “I mean I did karaoke when I was stationed but it wasn’t real karaoke. Plus, they never wanted to hear me do any girl group songs.”

“That’s tragic.” Seungkwan coos. “How dare they deprive you of singing APink.”

Chan laughs. “You say it as a joke but I was really sad I couldn’t sing it.”

“Let’s go then.”

“To karaoke?”

“Yeah, I know a great place that me, Seokmin, and Soonyoung go to all the time, you’ll love it.”

“Yeah okay, it sounds fun.”

The norabong is great, Seungkwan was telling the truth.

It is bright and fun and the rooms are comfy and nice.

They order soju and chicken before they begin.

“What do you want to start with?” Seungkwan asks as he scrolls through the countless songs.

“You want me to go first?” Chan asks.

“Of course! This is your first norabang back in Seoul!”

Chan takes the remote and settles on No No No. Seungkwan cheers.

It’s been a while since he sang and danced to Apink but his body picks it back up like no time has passed at all.

Seungkwan is clapping and cheering from his seat, bouncing in excitement whenever Chan hits a dance move just right.

“Ah Lee Chan!!” He yells once Chan is done. “That was amazing! A true performer!”

“I learned from the best.” Chan smiles, sending Seungkwan a cheesy wink. Seungkwan just rolls his eyes.

Seungkwan chooses Tell Me by the Wonder Girls, doing all the choreography like Chan did.

Chan can’t help but grin as he watches Seungkwan perform. He’s always had so much energy and enthusiasm whenever he did anything, it was hard to not have fun when he was around.

Seungkwan finishes with a dramatic bow and Chan jumps up to start clapping.

“Amazing! World Stopping! Award winning!” Chan cheers. Seungkwan laughs, the laugh that Chan loves to get out of him. It’s loud and a little embarrassing but it means that Seungkwan is really laughing with his whole chest.

“You’re so embarrassing.” Seungkwan says, pushing Chan softly.

Chan throws his head back with laughter, unable to stop the sound from overtaking his body.

Being with Seungkwan was almost too easy. It was so easy to fall back into the gravity that Seungkwan had surrounding him.

No one else made him laugh like Seungkwan did. No one else got him the way Seungkwan did.

Seungkwan is bare faced tonight, his hair a little frizzy from the humidity in the room. Chan likes him better this way anyway.

Seungkwan in makeup in front of the cameras is a sight to behold, but this Seungkwan with all of his imperfections felt like it was just for Chan’s viewing.

A side of Seungkwan that was for his eyes only.

He’s seen Seungkwan at his absolute worst. He’s seen him mean and sharp, his words aiming to hurt Chan.

He’s seen every part of Seungkwan and Seungkwan has seen every part of him. For some reason, neither of them have run for the hills.

“It’s your turn to sing something again.” Seungkwan whines.

They go back and forth for what must be hours. Chan feels like he must have sung every Apink song he knows and drank at least three bottles of soju.

After Chan sings the last APink song the norrabang has available (Seungkwan insisting that they turn it into a duet), they both collapse on the couch.

“Sometimes I feel like we’re different sides of the same coin.” Seungkwan says, voice quiet.

“What do you mean?”

“Like we think we’re so different, but when it comes down to it we’re so much alike.”

Chan shrugs, “I guess so. I never really thought we were ever that different. You were the one who always said that we weren’t good together.”

Seungkwan freezes next to him, the wording getting a little too close to the incident.

“Well, I was young, stupid, and I liked provoking you. It’s a dangerous combination.”

“I get it.” Chan says. “I liked provoking you too. It was fun fighting…at least it eventually turned into fun fighting.”

Seungkwan rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. “Yeah, we were pretty nasty to each other for a while there huh?”

“Seungcheol told me back then that I was picking fights with you for attention.”

Chan has no idea what inspired him to bring the truth out like this, over something so old and forgotten.

“Attention?”

“Yeah…I didn’t realize it at the time but I missed you after we had that huge fight….the only way I knew how to get you to focus on me again was to fight with you. It was stupid but what else do you expect from a teenager I guess.”

“I didn’t know that.” Seungkwan says softly. “I guess I figured it was just the two of us going through puberty.”

“Nope, just me being unable to identify and deal with my emotions.”

“...I missed you too back then.” Seungkwan admits quietly. “I caused that first huge fight between us and it changed so much. I didn’t know how to go back but I wanted to.”

Chan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He doesn’t like to dwell on the past, he can’t allow himself to anymore, but he can’t help but wonder what their relationship would have looked like if they never had that fight in the first place. Would they have still ended up here?

“It’s okay. We were both shitty teenagers that thought every conflict was the end of the world.” Chan says. “That fight is long forgotten.”

“Ah Channie.” Seungkwan coos as he reaches up and pinches Chan’s cheek. “You’ve grown up so well, so emotionally mature.”

Chan swats Seungkwan’s hand away from his face. “Are you guys ever going to stop pinching me like I'm a baby?”

“Never!” Seungkwan reaches out and grabs the bottle of vodka that was sitting on their table.

“Shots?” He asks, holding the bottle up.

They’re both fully grown adults, they should be past taking shots of hard liquor in a karaoke lounge.

Chan nods away and takes the bottle from Seungkwan, pouring them both a shot.

Seungkwan plays a ballad next, an IU song that Chan hasn’t heard in years.

Our lives have tilted as we started resembling each other
The moon is getting filled up with our wishes
There are unfinished words inside the parentheses

Seungkwan’s eyes are closed, both hands wrapped around the mic.

He’s drunk, they both are, but his voice still sounds perfect. Sweet, like honey.

Chan finds himself closing his eyes as well, letting himself lose himself a bit in the sound of Seungkwan’s voice surrounding him.

It’s been so long since Seungkwan has really sung for him, so long of only hearing this voice through some kind of speaker, never up close.

Chan opens his eyes and finds Seungkwan staring right back at him.

I’m going to find you, who I lost
Enduring through the tangled time
With my feet that won’t chase after the future
I will run till I run out of breath

Chan feels like time has frozen, like he and Seungkwan are the only two people left in the world, that all that matters is the two of them.

Oh no. he thinks.

I’m still in love with him.

He spent so much time getting over Seungkwan, shoving him back in the box labeled friend inside of his heart.

He should have known it would always end like this for him. He’s loved Seungkwan for most of his life, it was never going to be that easy.

A knock on their door shakes him out of his thoughts.

“We close in fifteen minutes!” The voice says cheerily. “Please wrap everything up quickly and settle your bill.”

Seungkwan rips his eyes away from Chan’s and refuses to look back at him.

“We should get going.” He says, voice a little slurred around the edges.

Chan nods, collecting all the things around him.

They don’t make eye contact the entire time they pack up and leave.

Seungkwan pays for them and they walk out the door.

It’s windy, Chan can’t help but glance at the way Seungkwan’s hair ruffles in the breeze.

“Do you want me to call you a taxi?” Seungkwan asks, looking at Chan for the first time since he finished his song.

Chan swallows hard. “No, I can make it home. I think I might walk.”

Seungkwan looks like he wants to argue, wants to insist on sending him home in a car.

“I’ll be fine Seungkwan.” He sighs. “It’s a fifteen minute walk.”

Seungkwan eyes him warily but appears to finally give up.

“Fine, but you have to text me the minute you walk through your door.” He pouts.

Chan can’t resist, he lifts his hands up and squishes Seungkwan’s cheeks.

“Of course.” He smiles.

He waits until Seungkwan gets into a taxi of his own before he makes the trek home. It’s a nice type of quiet this time of night, the kind of quiet that calms the mind.

Ever since he was a trainee, he’s learned to appreciate the truly quiet moments in his life, even this far removed from that green basement he still finds himself appreciating it.

He thinks about Seungkwan, how easily the other has fit back into his life after three years without him. Like there was always a Seungkwan shaped hole in Chan’s life that would never disappear even if he wanted it to.

It was so easy to love Seungkwan. He wants to feel guilty, for ruining the promise he made himself when Seungkwan went away, that he was going to get over him.

But he can’t find it in himself to feel so, not when loving Seungkwan always felt so right. It’s a state of life now. Chan can’t exist if he doesn’t love Seungkwan.

The moment he walks through his door he takes his phone out.

Chan
made it home safe! Don’t worry about me.

Seungkwan
good!!!!!!!!!! I wouldn’t have been able to continue without you by my side.

It sounds an awful lot like a confession. Chan decides to agonize over it in the morning.

[then]

They’re in some coastal city in the states. If Chan’s being honest he has no which one, these places all blend together when they’re on tour.

His body is sore, he can feel the weeks worth of performing weighing down on him.

The hotel rooms all look the same too, the same boring beige walls and the plain white queen size bed.

It’s all driving Chan a little crazy.

He’s staring at the ceiling when he gets a text from Seungkwan.

Seungkwan
Wanna go to the beach?

It’s almost midnight and they all have to be up early and travel tomorrow.

Chan agrees a little too easily.

Chan
Yeah, of course.

He has yet to find a successful way to say no to Seungkwan.

He gets dressed and makes his way down to the lobby where Seungkwan is waiting.

He’s dressed in all black, a baseball hat covering his hair and a mask covering his face.

There’s a small ache in Chan's chest when he thinks about how if they weren’t idols they could go out looking however they wanted.

Chan could have seen the way Seungkwan’s hair would blow in the breeze and the smile on his face as they walked down the sidewalk.

There’s a beach not far from the hotel. It’s small and quiet but nice.

They don’t speak the entire walk over there. Chan doesn’t mind.

They’re the only two there when they arrive, the only sounds are the waves hitting the shore.

Seungkwan carefully takes his shoes off and sets them in the grass before stepping into the sand. Chan follows soon after.

Seungkwan is quiet as he walks to the water, only putting his feet in before coming to a stop.

There’s something on Seungkwan’s mind, something he wants to talk about but isn’t sure how to breach the topic.

Chan waits.

“Did you know that the tides are controlled by the moon.” Seungkwan says, eyes trained on the night sky.

“What do you mean?”

“The gravity of the moon pulls the tides towards it.” Seungkwan says. “It’s like the tides are always reaching out for the moon no matter what.”

He looks at Seungkwan and the way the moon makes his skin look like it’s glowing.

He can’t help but think that he would follow him anywhere too, no questions asked.

“That’s nice.” Chan says. “Romantic.”

Seungkwan turns to look at him now. “Isn’t it a little sad? The tides can never reach the moon no matter how hard they try.”

Seungkwan is trying to communicate something to Chan, something he can’t quite place.

Chan shrugs. “They must be happy to follow the moon. Maybe it’s enough just to try. They try over and over again to reach the moon, never giving up no matter how many times they fail.” Chan says. He digs his toes into the wet sand.

“Would you be happy?” Seungkwan whispers.

“Of course I would.” Chan nods. “I would follow any of you guys anywhere, no matter what.”

“Even me?” Seungkwan sounds worried, like Chan’s answer is going to change everything.

“Especially you.” Chan answers honestly.

Seungkwan looks at him, his eyes brighter than all the stars in the sky.

They don’t say anything, letting the ocean water hit their ankles over and over and over again.

Chan cautiously raises his hand and interlocks his pinky with Seungkwan’s. Seungkwan doesn’t back away.

His chest feels warm, like a fire has been started inside his heart and is traveling through all of his veins.

Oh.

Chan loves him.

He’s never been in love but this must be what it feels like, Chan can’t think of any other way being in love could be described.

He wants to take Seungkwan’s head in his hands and kiss him. He wants to tell him all the ways he is loved. He wants to tell him that reaching for him every day is always worth it even if he is never able to reach him.

“Let’s swim.” Chan says instead.

“Swim?” Seungkwan looks at him like he’s crazy. He doesn’t let go of Chan’s pinky finger.

“Why not? The water is warm enough.”

“You’re crazy.”

Chan lets go of Seungkwan’s pinky, only to wrap his hand around Seungkwan’s wrist and drag him deeper in the water after him.

“Lee Chan! I swear to-” Seungkwan yells before Chan is splashing him with water.

“You little shit!” Seungkwan yells through loud laughter, splashing Chan back with as much force as possible.

It’s warm, the perfect temperature. Seungkwan's hair is wet, plastered to his face in a way Chan knows he hates but Chan loves anyway.

He moves a lock of hair out of Seungkwan’s eye with a gentle finger. Seungkwan blinks hard.

Then, he splashes Chan.

Salt water goes up his nose and in his eyes, all he can do is retaliate.

It turns into a full splashing war, like the two of them are teenagers again.

It feels nice to feel young again. Both he and Seungkwan got thrust into adulthood too quickly, they rarely got to be kids.

“Seungkwan.” Chan says once the splashing dies down. “Let’s float on our backs and pretend we’re otters.”

“Pretend we’re otters?” Seungkwan teases. He’s already positioning himself to float on his back.

“Yeah, you know how otters fall asleep holding hands, let’s do that.” Chan says.

With both of them floating on their backs, eyes to the sky, they interlock hands and hold each other close.

Chan can see the ghosts of stars in the sky, light pollution hiding them from their view.

“We should go somewhere where we can see the stars soon.” Chan sighs.

Seungkwan is warm next to him, a calming presence. Chan could stay here forever.

[now]

“You’ve been hanging out a lot with Seungkwan lately.” Soonyoung comments during one of their weekly lunch dates.

They usually meet up and talk about the choreography they’ve both been working on. Their personal lives never really come up that often.

“I guess so.” Chan shrugs.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Soonyoung says gently, like Chan is some fragile object close to breaking at a moment’s notice.

“I’m twenty-eight.” Chan laments. “I think I can handle it.”

Soonyoung eyes his suspiciously. “You were pretty broken up over something when he left for the military, I can’t imagine you two talked that out.”

And Soonyoung is right about that. He and Seungkwan admittedly do not speak about what happened or anything related to it. Chan’s not complaining.

“It’s not that complicated.” Chan mumbles.

Except it is because every time Chan looks at Seungkwan, this older and more dignified Seungkwan that’s so new to him, he can see it.

He can see what the two of them would look like together. Not even just the fun stuff like how Seungkwan would look under him, eyes blown wide and mouth slack.

No, he thinks about waking up next to Seungkwan, cooking in the same kitchen, watching TV together with their legs casually interlocked.

It’s horrible and it’s unattainable. So Chan shoves it deep deep down, somewhere he can’t reach.

“You’re a horrible liar.” Soonyoung says. “Why don’t you just tell him you like him?”

“That’s a bad idea.” Chan says.

“Why?”

“The last time I did that…it didn’t end well.”

“Oh…” Soonyoung’s staring at him in surprise, it’s the closest Chan has ever gotten to telling anyone about what happened that night.

Chan’s phone pings and he opens it to see a picture of Seungkwan holding his americano in front of his face.

Seungkwan
Ready for the day, hope yours is going well so far.

Chan smiles, he can’t help it.

Chan
Good so far

“You’re texting him aren't you.” Soonyoung says, arms crossed.

“Why do you say that?” Chan asks, defensive.

“You smile differently when you talk to him.” Soonyoung says.

Chan is silent, he has nothing to say to that.

“I really think you should talk to Seungkwan about this.” Soonyoung tries again. “He’s different, you know. He’s less guarded and sharp. All of us have noticed it.”

Seungkwan
I was thinking about getting all of us together to go to a club tonight… would you be interested?

“It’s not like that.” Chan sighs, putting his phone down on the table. “I came to terms with what Seungkwan and I are to each other years ago.”

Soonyoung rolls his eyes. “That was three years ago Chan, don’t you think the two of you have changed enough?”

Chan wants to argue that he doesn’t think he’s changed as much as Soonyoung thinks, that he feels like he’s in the same exact spot he was in the day Seungkwan left.

“Just….think about it.” Soonyoung sighs. “I just want you to really think it over, you and Seungkwan deserve to be happy and I can’t believe i’m saying this, but I think you both could make the other really happy.”

Chan’s heart melts a little. Soonyoung has always been a little too invested in the other members lives for his own good but it’s only ever been because his heart is a little too large.

“Okay hyung.” He smiles. Soonyoung smiles back.

Chan picks his phone up again.

Chan
that sounds fun!

---

Chan is sprawled on his back on Seungkwan’s bed staring at the ceiling.

Seungkwan throws yet another article of clothing on the floor.

“None of this looks right.” He scoffs.

Chan rolls his eyes. “You’ve been saying that for the past twenty minutes.”

“Well none of it has looked right!”

They’re supposed to be meeting the members at the club in roughly thirty minutes and Seungkwan is only in a pair of tight jeans and nothing else.

Not to say that Chan isn’t enjoying the view. But, they have places to be and Seungkwan is taking forever like he always has.

A part of him is happy that this part of Seungkwan hasn’t changed. That even after two years in the military he’s still chronically late to everything.

Chan pushes himself up to a sitting position, watching Seungkwan hold another shirt up to his body in front of the mirror.

“Kwannie.” He wines. “You look good in everything, please pick something.”

Seungkwan’s cheeks go pink but he doesn’t back down.

“I have a reputation to uphold Lee Chan, I have to look presentable.”

They’re going to a club that Seungkwan and many of the other members frequent often. It’s a gay club, a lowkey one that Seungkwan discovered before he enlisted.

When he returned, he dragged Soonyoung and Jun with him. He slowly got more and more members to go with him with every visit.

It’s their first time going since Chan’s return.

If he’s being honest, he feels a little sick to his stomach. Not only is it his first time going to a club like this, where there are people like him, but it’s somewhere that’s important to Seungkwan filled with people Chan doesn’t know but Seungkwan does.

He still feels a little self conscious in his plain white t-shirt and ripped jeans but Seungkwan insisted that it was fine.

“AHA!” Seungkwan declares, waving a piece of fabric above his head. “I FOUND IT!”

Chan watches as Seungkwan pulls his arms through the shirt sleeves and buttons it up. It’s a silk shirt decorated with rhinestones, glimmering with every movement he makes.

It’s eye-catching, Chan finds that he can’t quite look away. Maybe that was the purpose.

“What do you think?” Seungkwan twirls around, letting Chan give him a once over.

He looks really good, from the tight jeans that accentuate his thick thighs and small waist to the flowing silk shirt, to the smoky eyeshadow he has on.

It makes Chan’s mouth feel dry.

“You look great.” He manages to get out, pats himself on the back for not making a complete fool of himself.

Seungkwan grins.

“Okay, let’s get going!” Seungkwan says happily.

One glance at his phone tells him that they’re already ten minutes late, the group chat yelling at them to hurry up.

One ten minute uUber ride later, they’re outside of the club

“Finally!” Soonyoung and Seokmin hop over to them, draping their bodies over the two of them.

“You two are so late! What were you doing?” Seokmin asks, a glint in his eyes.

“I couldn’t find an outfit.” Seungkwan grumbles, throwing Seokmin’s hand off of his shoulder.

The two of them let out a loud laugh. “That’s our Seungkwanie.” Soonyoung giggles as he pinches his cheek. Seungkwan punches him in the arm.

“Can we please go inside now.” Seungcheol begs, arms crossed.

Seungkwan gestures towards the door, telling Seungcheol to lead the way.

They get through the doors fairly quickly and Chan is met with loud music and flashing lights.

Those are familiar to him at least. What was new was the slew of same sex couples in the middle of the dance floor.

He takes a staggering breath.

“You okay?” Seungkwan asks just quietly enough for only Chan to hear.

“Yeah, I'm fine.” Chan nods

“We’ll get some alcohol in you and you’ll be better than ever.” Seungkwan says with a grin and a pat to his arm.

Seungkwan orders a round of shots from the group, cheering loudly before they all down them together.

“Let’s go dance!” Seungkwan yells in Soonyoung and Seokmin’s direction as soon as he sets down the shot glass, dragging the two of them off before either of them can answer.

Chan downs another shot and watches Seungkwan out on the dance floor, the lights shining down on him making him look ethereal.

He takes another shot.

“You okay?” Vernon leans across their table. He’s been nursing a beer the entire time, never one for drinking like so many of them were.

“I’m fine.” Chan insists

Vernon takes one look at where Chan was staring and turns back to him with an unimpressed look.

“He’s Changed you know. I know you’ve noticed.”

“What are you talking about?” Chan feigns ignorance.

“Seungkwan. He’s changed since he enlisted. A lot has changed since he left.”

Chan clears his throat. “Yeah I know he’s changed….I just don’t know if the things that matter have changed.”

Vernon sighs. “I think the most important thing is that he learned he can be selfish. That it’s okay for him to want things and to have them in return.”

Chan swallows hard. How much did Vernon know about him and Seungkwan?”

“But does he still want the things he wanted when he was twenty six?” He asks.

“Oh Chan.” Vernon says. “I think Seungkwan’s wanted this since he was sixteen. I’m not sure anything could change his mind.”

Chan lets his eyes wander to the dance floor again. Seungkwan locks eyes with him and frantically waves his arms.

“I think he wants you to join him.” Vernon says with a smile.

“I guess so.”

“...you’re allowed to want things too.” Vernon says then. “Don’t deprive yourself of something good because you feel like you don’t deserve it.”

Chan stares at Seungkwan, the smile on his face, the way his eyes are shining even from this far away.

“Yeah, I know.” He says.

He takes one last shot and walks out onto the dance floor. Seungkwan is beaming.

“Finally!” He yells into Chan’s ear over the music. “I’ve been waiting for you to come out and dance for hours!”

“Hours?” Chan yells back, a smirk on his lips.

“Whatever just dance with me!” Seungkwan yells.

The music is upbeat and fun so Chan just closes his eyes and lets go, let’s himself feel the music in every part of himself.

He takes Seungkwan’s hand and twirls him around a couple times, just to hear the laughter come out of his mouth.

They dance like this for a while, laughing and happy to exist in each other’s space

Once Chan is covered in sweat and breathing a little too hard, he walks back over to the table, Seungkwan close behind him.

“I can’t remember the last time I danced like that.” Seungkwan beams. “It was fun.”

“Yeah it was fun.” Chan smiles back.

Mingyu groans from behind them.

Chan glances back in time to see Vernon punch Mingyu’s shoulder and shush him.

[then]

Jeju is so warm this time of the year.

Seungkwan is driving and all the windows are down. Chan is resisting the urge to stick his head out the window like a dog.

There’s an old kpop song playing on the radio at a low volume, Seungkwan is humming along to it.

It’s their rare vacation time. No filming equipment or micpacks, just him and Seungkwan.

Chan kind of thought Seungkwan was kidding when he invited Chan to visit Jeju with him.

Jeju was home to Seungkwan, somewhere he was proud of being from. Why would he want to visit with just Chan?

But he had insisted and what better place to spend a vacation than Jeju? Especially with a native who knew all the best spots.

So Chan had packed his bags and followed Seungkwan. He would follow Seungkwan anywhere, even if it wasn’t on holiday.

Seungkwan’s parents welcomed him with open arms. He liked both of them, always willing to treat him like their own son. His friends greeted him like he was one of their long lost friends, like he was always meant to be there in their little group.

Chan sticks his hand out the window, let’s the breeze move it every which way.

Seungkwan is driving with one hand, the other settles on the arm rest between them.

He looks so good like this, eyes on the road and his jaw set.

Chan wants to reach out and touch him, take the hand in between them and take it into his own. He wants to kiss the back of it and stare at Seungkwan with starry eyes and a goofy smile.

He would interlock their hands and Seungkwan would make no effort to take it back.

It feels like he’s trembling with the intensity of it, the want. It fills him to the brim, how badly he wants to reach out and touch Seungkwan.

They come to a red light, Seungkwan slows to a stop.

He must sense that Chan is staring at him. He looks back.

They lock eyes and it’s like something inside Chan clicks.

Oh. Seungkwan loves him.

It’s there, in his eyes. Chan’s dumb when it comes to a lot of things but he thinks he can read Seungkwan pretty well at this point.

“Seungkwan.” He says quietly. He reaches out and touches, a single finger to the wrist.

Seungkwan continues to stare, like he’s in a trance he can’t quite shake.

Chan wraps all of his fingers around Seungkwan wrist, feels his jackrabbiting pulse against his fingertips.

The afternoon sun shines into the car. Chan feels alive with it.

It basks the both of them in a golden light, like nothing could touch them here.

His eyes flicker to Seungkwan’s lips. Seungkwan subconsciously licks them.

He wants to kiss him. More than anything he’s ever wanted.

He wants to tell Seungkwan how much he loves him, how much he’s always loved him.

The light turns green. There’s a honk behind them.

Seungkwan turns his head back to the road, shakes his head a little like he’s trying to shake off a bad dream.

Chan’s heart sinks.

He moves to release Seungkwan wrist from his grasp but instead, Seungkwan twists his hand around in his grip and interlocks their hands together.

Chan looks up at Seungkwan but his eyes are laser focused on the road. Chan sees him swallow hard though.

Chan squeezes his hand and brings it into his lap.

He stares down at their hands, the way they fit together.

Seungkwan’s always had nice hands, strong and lean, while Chan’s have always been more on the smaller side.

It’s horrible how even looking at Seungkwan’s hands fill him up with so much love.

He can’t help it, he brings their interlocked hands up to his face and presses a soft kiss to the back of Seungkwan’s hand,

He hears Seungkwan’s breath hitch, impossible to notice if you weren't looking for it.

But, he still doesn’t make any move to drop Chan’s hand.

He brings their interlocked hands back down to his lap.

It’s warm and comfortable, like this is the way they were meant to be driving the entire time.

The song on the radio changes.

It’s APink this time. Chan turns the volume up with his free hands.

They both sing along. Loud and embarrassing, the way you sing when you know no one else is listening.

All the windows are still open but neither of them care.

[now]

When Seungkwan texted him and asked him if he wanted to have a wine night, Chan almost dropped his phone.

It was so reminiscent of who they used to be before everything that the thought of it almost aches.

But Chan had said yes and went straight to the liquor store and stared at bottles of wine for longer than he probably should have.

He shows up to Seungkwan’s apartment with his purchase in tow.

“Oh!” Seungkwan says in surprise, taking the wine out of his hands carefully. “I already have wine here but thank you for this.”

Chan flushes a bright pink. Of course he didn’t need to bring wine over. Why did he torture himself over this for hours?

But Seungkwan opens his bottle of wine immediately, setting it down on his kitchen island as he rummages around for his wine glasses.

He pours two glasses and hands one to Chan.

He takes a sip and groans. It’s been far too long since he’s had a good wine. One that makes him feel sophisticated.

“This is so good.” Seungkwan groans from next to him. “How do you always find the best wine? It’s seriously a talent.”

Chan shrugs. He doesn’t mention how long it took for him to settle on this specific wine.

They settle down on Seungkwan’s couch, sitting close enough to each other that Chan could reach out and touch Seungkwan if he wanted to.

Seungkwan turns on some reruns of a drama. Chan’s not entirely familiar with it but Seungkwan explains enough of it to make up for that. He makes sure to tell Chan who is who and where in the story they are. Chan just nods along.

The main couple is getting married, tears streaming down their faces as they say their vows.

“Can you imagine getting married and having a house with a white fence and a dog and a couple kids running around?” Seungkwan asks, his voice far off and wishful.

“I want that.” Chan realizes with sobering clarity. “I want that so bad.”

“You can still have it.” Seungkwan says.

“I want it with you.”

“Chan.” Seungkwan warns, his voice waivers though and it makes Chan want to keep pushing.

“It’s true. I thought time would change how I feel but it didn’t, no matter how hard I tried.”

Chan takes a deep breath. Time seems to stand still.

“I still feel the same way I did about you all those years ago. I’m still in love with you.”

[then]

“Surprise!” Chan says as Seungkwan opens his door. He holds up the bottle of wine in his hands and waves it in front of Seungkwan’s face.

“What is this?” Seungkwan asks, his hands wrapping around the bottle and taking it from his grasp.

“A birthday present.” Chan says. He walks into Seungkwan’s apartment and closes the door behind him. He’s been here enough that it feels like a second home to him.

“You didn’t have to get me a present.” Seungkwan scoffs. He’s smiling though so Chan suspects he’s full of shit.

“Of course I did.” Chan rolls his eyes. “Now let’s open it.”

Seungkwan pulls out his nice wine glasses and his corkscrew, opening the bottle with ease. It makes Chan’s head a little dizzy.

Seungkwan pours some into his own glass first, swirling it around the cup and sniffing it before taking a sip.

“Oh wow.” he sighs. “That’s so good.”

“It better be.” Chan says. “I talked to the man at the store for like over thirty minutes picking it out.”

Seungkwan looks at him in surprise. “You spent that long picking out a bottle of wine for me?”

“Well…yeah.” Chan rubs at the back of his neck, his ears burning red. “I wanted you to have a nice wine on your birthday.”

“That’s very sweet.” Seungkwan smiles.

He pours Chan a glass and slides it across the table to him.

He takes a sip and has to agree with Seungkwan, this was a good wine.

“You get aux tonight.” Chan says with only a little reluctance as he makes his way to Seungkwan’s couch.

“Don’t pretend like you’re too good for girl groups.” Seungkwan scoffs. “You know all the words as much as I do.”

Chan rolls his eyes but says nothing, he really doesn’t have a foot to stand on when it comes to that statement.

Seungkwan queues up music video after music video.

As much as Chan pretends not to, he really does like these girl groups.

Or maybe he just likes the way Seungkwan gets so excited when he talks about them, the way he gets a sparkle in his eyes when he turns to Chan to explain yet another music video to him with the passion of a fanboy.

Chan listens intently, retaining every word coming out of Seungkwan’s mouth.

The only source of light in the room is the TV, casting a soft glow over Seungkwan’s face as he explains the lore of the music video they’re currently watching.

He looks so good.

Chan feels filled to the brim.

Would it be so bad if he told Seungkwan?

He doesn’t want to lose Seungkwan but Seungkwan has to feel the same way, there’s no way he doesn’t.

“Seungkwan hyung.” Chan interrupts, his voice sounding small.

“Yeah?”

“I have something I want to tell you.”

“Okay.”

“...I’m in love with you.”

A silence stretches between them, Seungkwan stares at him with wide eyes. Chan has no idea how to read the expression on his face.

“No you’re not.” Seungkwan says, definitively.

“What? Yes I am.” Chan says, sounding a little childish.

“No you absolutely are not.” Seungkwan says. “You are confused and think that you love me.”

“I think I know how I feel.” Chan huffs.

Seungkwan takes a deep breath.

“Chan you don’t get it.” Seungkwan looks close to tears. “What you want, it’s not easy.”

“I know that.”

“I don’t think you do! What you want, I could never do to you, do to the rest of the team.”

“What does this have to do with the rest of the team?”

“This would ruin everything, ruin all of us.” Seungkwan is crying now, tears streaming down his cheeks.

Chan is crying too, the tears red hot in his eyes.

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do!” Seungkwan says. “I mean every word! I would never do that. We could never be that.”

Seungkwan takes a staggering breath. “You need to get over it.”

“Get over it?” Chan asks, tears starting to stick to his eyelashes. “I can’t just get over it!”

“Well you have to try.” Seungkwan sounds a little crazed, his hands moving all around him.

“Seungkwan.” Chan tries again, tears rolling down his face at a steady pace now.

Seungkwan’s face softens, a look of pity coming over him.

“It’ll pass, don’t worry.”

Chan tries to wipe the tears off of his face but more and more keep coming.

“You can say it Seungkwan hyung.” Chan spits out. “You can just say that you don’t love me, I can take it.”

“Chan-ah.” Seungkwan says, gentler this time.

“Say it!” Chan demands. “I dare you! Say it.”

Seungkwan looks at him, the fight drained out of him. “I think you should go home.”

All the fight drains out of Chan. He just nods.

He walks out the door without looking back.

Halfway down the hallway, a voice calls out to him.

“Chan-ah!”

It’s not Seungkwan’s voice so Chan doesn’t bother.

Someone catches him by the shoulders and forces him around. He’s met with Vernon’s confused eyes.

“What’s going on? Seungkwan told me to walk you home but didn’t explain anything….have you been crying?”

Chan can’t help it, he bursts into tears again.

“Oh god.” Vernon drops Chan’s shoulders and takes a step back. “What’s happening?”

Chan can’t speak, his sobs racking through his chest so hard he feels like he might throw up.

“Okay okay okay.” Vernon collects him in his arms and holds him close to his chest. “You can come into my apartment until you calm down, is that okay?”

Chan can only manage a nod.

Vernon leads him into his apartment, only a floor down from Seungkwan’s.

He seats him down at his couch and sets a glass of water in front of Chan.

Chan cries and cries for what must be hours. When he finally stops, he chugs the water down in three long swallows.

“Want to tell me what happened?” Vernon asks. He speaks so gently, like Chan is a deer who will be spooked at any loud noise.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Chan says. “I don’t think I can talk about it.”

Vernon nods. That’s one thing Chan always loved about Vernon, he was never one to pry.

He just tucks Chan into bed, leaving a bottle of water and some pills on his bedside table, before leaving.

Chan cries himself to sleep that night.

---

“Seungkwan’s enlisting.” Soonyoung’s voice says through the phone, fragile like he knows Chan is seconds away from breaking.

It’s only been a week since he told Seungkwan.

He hasn’t seen him since.

And now he’s enlisting and he’s hearing the news from Soonyoung.

“When did he decide that?” Chan says, forcing the lump in his throat down.

“A couple days ago. Apparently he went straight to the CEO and told him he wanted to go as soon as possible.”

The cracks in Chan break a little bit more, settling into his skin.

“Oh, okay.” Chan says.

“Did…” Soonyoung pauses, thinking over his words carefully. “Did something happen between the two of you? Usually you would be the first one to know if Seungkwan did anything….”

Chan wants to cry.

“Nope, we’re the same as always. We’re not attached at the hips.” It comes out unconvincing, a little too sharp.

He knows Soonyoung won’t buy it but he also won’t push it.

“Okay, I believe you. I just worry about you Channie. You’re the youngest, I can't help it.”

Chan wants to, he wants to lie down in Soonyoung’s lap, his hands running through his hair and soothing him as he tells him all about him and Seungkwan.

But he doesn’t think he can say any of what happened out loud, not right now.

“I know hyung.” He says instead. “I love you.”

Maybe one day, when the scars have healed and the pain has turned into a dull ache, he can confide in Soonyoung.

Remember when you asked about me and Seungkwan? He’d say.

Well, I was hopelessly in love with him and he turned me down hard. Told me he would never consider me in his life, that he would never do that to the group. Isn’t that funny?

Chan’s eyes start to burn.

“Well, Seungkwan leaves next week.” Soonyoung continues, oblivious to the tears making their way down Chan’s face. “Everyone is going to see him off.”

“I’ll be there, don’t worry.” Chan says.

When he hangs up, he throws his phone on the floor, tired of looking at it, tired of seeing Seungkwan in the group picture he has set as his background.

Throws himself on his bed and buries his head into his pillow.

He thinks about how lonely he is and cries.

He hates that the only thing he wants to do is talk to Seungkwan. How Seungkwan is the only person in the world who has seen every square inch of Chan’s soul, who knows him better than anyone else.

and cries and cries until he can’t anymore.

---

Seungkwan leaves for the military on a cold rainy day. Chan finds it fitting.

It’s a quiet affair, only the other members are present to say goodbye to him, all of them with tears in their eyes.

It’s only two years but none of this ever gets any easier.

Chan cried for a full 24 hours when Seungcheol and Jeonghan enlisted. Seungkwan had stayed by his side the entire time, rubbing his hands up and down his back.

It hurts seeing Seungkwan with a shaved head and a packed bag going somewhere Chan can’t follow him. Somewhere Seungkwan doesn’t want Chan to follow him.

Their manager tells them Seungkwan has to leave so they have to say their goodbyes now.

They go up one by one, each of them hugging Seungkwan as hard as they can and wishing him the best.

Chan is last.

He slowly makes his way to Seungkwan. The other’s eyes are glassy as he looks at him.

Chan just pulls Seungkwan into a hug, nestling his head in the nook of his neck. Seungkwan buries his head into Chan’s shoulders.

“Please don’t go.” Chan whispers, unable to stop himself.

“Chan.”

“I’ll be good.” Chan says, tears filling his eyes. “I’ll forget all about what happened and it’ll be like none of it happened.”

Seungkwan is crying now too, the tears coming down his face in steady rivers. Chan fights the urge to reach up and wipe them away.

“This is going to be good for us Channie.” Seungkwan says. “You’ll forget all about me while I'm gone, you’ll see.”

“But-” Chan stops himself, afraid to let his thoughts stream out of him. I need you, I don’t know how to live without you by my side.

Seungkwan ruffles his hair weakly and gives him a strained smile. “You’re going to be just fine okay.”

All Chan can do is nod, forcing the violent sobs threatening to rip out of him back down his throat.

Seungkwan takes a step back. The car is behind him, waiting to take him away.

“It’s time to go.” Their manager tells Seungkwan. He nods.

“Okay, goodbye everyone.” He waves.

“You better come and visit us on your breaks.” Soonyoung demands. “You better answer my texts or else.” Seungcheol threatens.

“Of course of course.” Seungkwan smiles.

Seungkwan won’t text him or visit him. Chan is going to get radio silence from Seungkwan for two full years. Two years of absolutely nothing.

Seungkwan turns around and gets in the car, the door shutting and cutting him off from view.

Chan turns around before the car drives away, he can’t take the sight.

When the sound of the car engine fades away he falls to the ground, his chest heaving with sobs.

“Chan?” Seungcheol is quick to his side, a gentle hand holding his shoulder.

“He’s gone.” Chan manages to get out.

“Not for good.” Seungcheol says kindly.

Chan shakes his head. He doesn’t know how to tell Seungcheol that for him it is for good, Seungkwan is not coming back to him.

[now]

“Chan, I can’t do this.” Seungkwan huffs, his voice turning sharp and guarded.

Chan’s not afraid to get cut this time.

“You never told me you didn’t love me too.” He says softly. “You told me we could never happen, you told me you would never do that to me or the group. But you never said you didn’t feel the same way about me.”

Chan can see the tears starting to form at the corner of Seungkwan’s eyes and he has to resist the urge to reach out and hold him. Seungkwan is all sharp edges right now, every line of defense raised.

“It’s still a bad idea Chan, no matter how either of us feel.”

“So you admit it? You feel something for me?”

“I….I can’t say it out loud.” Seungkwan says, softer this time. His walls starting to crumble. “Saying it would make it real, make it tangible. I can’t do that to myself.”

“Seungkwan, it's already real. Just because you’re refusing to acknowledge it doesn’t mean it’s not there.”

Chan takes a chance and steps forward. Seungkwan doesn’t move away.

Chan takes another step forward.

“I’ve loved you for my whole life. Nothing about that is going to change, nothing you say or do will ever make it go away.”

Chan takes another step forward. The tips of his toes are touching Seungkwan’s now. He can feel the warmth of his breath on his face.

“Say it? Please?” Chan says, bordering on begging.

Seungkwan takes a staggering breath. Chan feels it on his lips.

“Fine.” Seungkwan breathes. “I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

Chan can’t take it anymore. All the years have been building up to this moment.

He carefully reaches up and holds Seungkwan’s head in his palms, giving him enough time to back away if he doesn’t want this.

Seungkwan just stares, his eyes watery.

Chan leans forward.

When their lips meet, it’s like everything else around him melts away. None else exists, just Seungkwan’s chapped lips slotting perfectly against his own over and over and over again.

It’s every teenage dream he’s ever had, it’s every thought of an epic love story that’s crossed his mind, it’s every ache he’s experienced for wanting a life settled down with someone.

Seungkwan has filled every second of all of his years.

Chan cups his jaw and tilts his head to the side, deepening the kiss. Seungkwan’s hands wrap around his waist and squeeze.

“Wow.” Seungkwan whispers as they break apart, staring at him in a slight daze.

“Yeah.” Chan laughs a little incredulously. “We should have done that a long time ago.”

Seungkwan shakes his head. “No, this was perfect.” He smiles. “If we did this before we enlisted, we would have crashed and burned.”

And Chan supposes he was right. Even if the thought of it still aches and burns.

Chan reaches out and takes both of Seungkwan’s hands into his own.

“I’m willing to try and make this work.” He says, dead serious. He needs Seungkwan to understand how serious he’s willing to take this. “Despite everything about us and our lives that make this a challenge, I want it to work out.”

Seungkwan smiles. “I want it to work too.” He says, rubbing his thumb over the top of Chan’s hands. “I know it’s going to be hard and there’s a chance that everything will crash and burn around us…I want to try. I don’t care anymore.”

Chan breaks into a huge grin. “Does this mean I get to take you on a date?”

“We’ve been on plenty of dates.” Seungkwan says with an eye roll.

“Those weren’t actual dates.” Chan scoffs. “Just you wait, i’m going to wine and dine you so hard.”

[later]

Chan has checked his outfit in the mirror four times in the past six minutes. Nothing has changed except he swears he’s getting sweatier.

Vernon would tell him to calm down if he was here, Soonyoung might slap him in the face a little.

He tries to take some deep breaths.

He really shouldn’t be this nervous. It’s just Seungkwan.

But it’s their first official date after deciding that they wanted to try and be together. What if it all goes wrong?What if Seungkwan decides that he doesn’t want this any more?

Seungkwan: I’m ready! Come and pick me up my knight in shining armor. Can’t wait to see where you take me

The text sends Chan into a tailspin and he starts sweating even more as he grabs his car keys, the flowers he picked up earlier that day, and makes his way out his door.

It’s a short drive to Seungkwan’s apartment so he’s standing in front of his door in under ten minutes.

Three knocks and Seungkwan is swinging the door open.

“Oh my god.” Seungkwan says, eyes trained on the bouquet of flowers Chan is holding in his arms. A beautiful arrangement of pinks and blues and purples. “Are those for me?”

Chan carefully transfers the flowers into Seungkwan’s arms. “Of course they are. I wanted to give you something as pretty as you.”

“You’re so annoying.” Seungkwan scoffs but his face turns the most delightful shade of red Chan has ever seen.

“Let me put these in a vase and then we can leave.”

Chan leans against Seungkwan’s kitchen counter watching as he rummages through his cupboards looking for a vase.

It feels horribly domestic. Chan kind of wants to watch Seungkwan look through his cupboards for the rest of his life.

“Found one!” Seungkwan holds a vase over his head in triumph.

Once the flowers are settled in the vase, Seungkwan wraps an arm around Chan’s elbow and lets himself be led out of the apartment.

“So,” Seungkwan says as he settles himself in Chan’s passenger seat like he belongs there. “Where are we going for dinner?”

One thing about being an idol is the lack of typical romantic experiences. Chan’s never had a romantic candle lit dinner in a nice restaurant and he knows Seungkwan hasn’t either.

Chan spent a lot of money to make this happen. Seungkwan’s the only person who’s ever been worth it.

“You’ll see.” He says with a smile.

It’s a nice Italian restaurant, somewhere where the food is good and the wine is even better.

“You didn’t.” Seungkwan says once they pull into the parking lot.

“I did.” Chan smiles.

“What did you do? Buy out the entire restaurant?” Seungkwan questions, eyes narrowed.

Chan just smiles.

“I have a reservation for Jungchan” Chan says to the host as they walk in. She nods and leads them to a table in the back, hidden completely from the other guests. The lights are low, the only light source near them being the candle flickering on the table.

He and Seungkwan have complete privacy.

“Wow.” Seungkwan sighs as he sits down and takes in the atmosphere. “This place is beautiful.”

A waiter comes by and pours them some wine, leaving the bottle at the table.

“I ordered for us already.” Chan confesses after Seungkwan shoots him a look. “I didn’t want to waste time ordering. I already know what you want anyway.”

Seungkwan laughs. “Yeah, I guess you do.”

It’s the best dinner of Chan’s life.

Not only is the food delicious and the wine excellent, Seungkwan is the best company in the entire world and Chan cherishes every second he gets to spend with him.

Seungkwan holds his hand across the table and doesn’t let go when the waiter comes back to refill their wine glasses.

He’s a little sad when all the food is gone and the wine bottles are empty but Seungkwan intertwines their hands when they walk out and Chan feels like he’s floating.

He can’t believe he gets to have this.

“Where to now?” Seungkwan asks when they get in the car.

“I was going to take you back to your apartment.” Chan says.

“But I'm not ready for our night to end.” Seungkwan leans closer.

“Okay….um we could go for a walk.” Chan tries. Seungkwan shakes his head.

“I was thinking, what if we both went back to my apartment?”

“Sure, we can hang out there.” Chan shrugs.

Seungkwan groans. “Oh my god, Lee Chan, your head is filled with rocks sometimes.”

Seungkwan grabs his collar and pulls him close, smashing their lips together.

It’s filthy, the way his lips move against Chan’s. His hands coming up to tangle in Chan’s hair and his tongue pushing its way into Chan’s mouth.

And then, he gets it.

“Oh!” He says, breaking away from the kiss, blush high on his cheeks.

“Yeah, oh.” Seungkwan says, breathlessly.

“Well, I was trying to be a gentleman.” Chan says, a little sheepish.

“We’ve been in love with each other for like a decade now.” Seungkwan says with a roll of his eyes. “We really don’t need to wait any longer.”

Chan leans back into his seat and clears his throat. “Alright, then back to your apartment.”

“God, I can’t wait to get my hands on you.” Seungkwan practically purrs, sliding one of his hands up Chan’s thigh.

Chan goes twenty over the speed limit the entire drive there.