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"Sano-san, you came..!"
The shrill yell would usually have been enough to attract Sannan's attention and ruin the whole situation, but tonight was different. Sannan wanted to go out with some sort of special rasetsu patrol tonight, and this part of the compound being so much more quiet gave them the chance to do something like this.
Said something being the sake bottle that the tall redhead proudly holds up, like it's some sort of trophy he's won after a long battle. It wasn't as if they could go to Shimabara or anything anymore, after all - two very recognizable yet very (supposedly) dead captains of the Shinsengumi walking into a bar didn't just sound like the start of a joke with a really terrible punchline, but it would also mean huge problems for the Shinsengumi. And despite the idiot trio's namesake, they weren't idiotic or irresponsible enough to cause something like that.
So instead it's like this. Sano would probably feel pretty bored going by himself or with one of the others (Heisuke likes Saitou just fine, don't get him wrong, but he's not exactly the life of every party, he thinks) rather than drinking here with them.
It's nice anyway, Heisuke thinks. It makes things feel a little bit more normal. Like it wasn't only a small while ago since he and Shinpachi turned at Aburano Koji, since they were seperated from most of their comrades. It's as if it's just the three of them, drinking like usually, having fun. Despite the fact that nothing about his transition into a rasetsu has been decidedly fun, Heisuke can't help but feel incredibly happy at the sight of one of his best friends.
In fact, he's already running over to tug on the older man's arm.
"C'mon, Shinpatsu-san is waiting in the room over there..!"
A chuckle escapes Sano's lips at the sight, not putting up much resistance against Heisuke's tugging - the other guy isn't putting too much strength into it anyway. "Calm down, calm down.. The sake isn't going anywhere." Not that he isn't endeared by Heisuke's enthusiasm over the whole deal anyway even as he says that, and it shows in his amused tone. Heisuke gets it, to an extent.. he must have been worried about the two of them, right? It's why he is - in turn - making a very conscious effort to appear as normal as he can for now. It's not as if he doesn't naturally live up anyway at the thought of spending time with Sano and Shinpachi, so it doesn't cost any real effort.
But the mood manages to take a hit the moment he actually manages to drag the redhead into the other room, when they come face to face with the third of the trio, sitting there on the tatami mats. It's not like Heisuke hasn't seen Shinpachi mad before (that guy yells about just anything you could get mad about, he's always the first in line), but it doesn't exactly help the atmosphere that he's looking grumpy even now. It's enough to make him stop his energetic tugging a little awkwardly as he stares.
The one that makes sound is Sano instead though, a small sigh escaping his lips. Maybe he too is overcompensating a little bit here, trying to act like this is just normal Shinpachi behaviour. (Maybe it would be, if he had anything else at all to be mad about, something that could be helped and then they could just laugh again afterwards.)
"Looks like someone here got up on the wrong side.." Sano's seating himself regardless of the mood as Heisuke produces some cups he's been hiding in spots he was sure (or pretty sure, you never know with that guy, he can be intimidating as hell sometimes) Sannan wouldn't find them. "Well, guess that just means more for us, huh, Heisuke?"
He's already offering Heisuke a cup before pouring more - two more, because asides from his joking wording, he's not really out to deny his best friend some of that alcohol, especially not in this situation. Sano nudges it towards the other, almost insistently so until Shinpachi turns his head to actually look at them.
It's only then that the other guy takes the cup, not even really displaying muted enthusiasm. His only reply is a half-dismissive "thanks", and Heisuke can notice Sano's look deflating at it for a moment.
Honestly, it's not hard to realise this is going to be one hell of an awkward night at this rate, so he's quick to jump in and overcompensate, quickly draining the cup of the sake by pouring it into his mouth. (Maybe it'll help if they can all just get drunk quickly.)
"Hey, hey!! Sano-san, Shinpatsu-san, look this way! You have to guess who I'm imitating, 'kay?"
At least Shinpachi bothers to turn his head and look as he takes an uncharacteristic small sip of his sake, while Sano displays a slightly crooked grin as he lets out an amused sound, apparently eager to go along with this. "Oh, imitations, huh? You better make this good."
Heisuke puffs his chest out and huffs a little as if to say that of course this is going to be amazing, duh, before he moves on to the actual show. Can't lose their attention now.
He squares his shoulders a little before hunching over, pulling a sour face, speaking in a sort of crickety old man voice--
"Did you know it's the third time.."
But that's about as far as Heisuke gets in his impression, because by that point it manages to genuinely crack him up (something pretty rare these days, but maybe it's something about hanging around with his best friends that gives him a little more strength and lets him fall back into more usual patterns and habits) to a point where he can't keep it up anymore, and his next words are completely drowned out by the sound of laughter.
Thankfully his audience doesn't seem too annoyed. Sano just lets out a chuckle himself before shaking his head in a "this guy" kind of way, sipping some more sake - except this time it's more like just taking a jug right from the bottle. "Heisuke, you seriously need to work on those, how is anyone gonna recognize those?"
When the redhead stops speaking though, it's pretty obvious there's a silence where there should be someone else joining in. Heisuke doesn't glance in Shinpachi's direction on purpose, since he has a faint idea of what's going on here. He thought at least them all being together might make Shinpachi's mood a little better again, but instead..
Shinpachi doesn't say anything. He's not even really looking at either of them, just quietly sipping his sake as he's staring at the wall.
"Oi, Shinpachi. Cat got your tongue?" It's Sano who breaks the silence.
The other man finally casts a glance at the other two before he just sighs, standing up. "I don't feel like this."
"Shinpachi."
It's a tone Heisuke has often heard from Sano - especially when it comes to Shinpachi's name, anyway. It's whenever he gets a little out of bounds, it's like a verbal tug on the ear or arm to drag someone away, really.
And usually it works. But today is seems to spark enough fire between the two of them that it makes Heisuke wince as he watches it, his jaw dropping open slightly like he wants to say something, but in the end feels too cowardly to do so. (Stupid, he knows. He'll blame himself for doing nothing later, of course.)
"I'm going to bed."
"It's night."
"I know it's night! That's when people are supposed to sleep!"
The way Shinpachi suddenly raises his voice is enough to startle both men. Shinpachi yells a lot, sure, but compared to his near-lifeless tone from before, it's enough of a contrast that it seems to come out of nowhere.
Heisuke can feel the hairs on his arms starting to stand up as Shinpachi stomps out of the room, slamming the sliding door hard enough that Heisuke fears it'll break. He casts a glance at his other friend, but Sano doesn't look much better - in fact, he looks like he's about to break something himself, and with Sano, Heisuke never doubts it could be a real possibility. He's flown across the room a few too many times to not imagine that.
"Hey.. S-Sano-san. Let's give him a little more time.. 'kay?" Heisuke raises his hands a little bit, like a sign of a peace offering and good faith - he sure doesn't want to be on the receiving side of a punch here.
(Nor does he want the small group of friends he's finally, finally made to fall apart. Especially not when it's just about the only thing keeping him together when he's already thrown away the rest of his life that one faithful night.)
"I'm sure he'll go back to being the same Shinpatsu-san with time-- ah, I'll talk to him, so you can go back for now. We'll do this again later!"
Heisuke's cheerfulness is a little forced. There's a hint of awareness of that fact in Sano's eyes when he looks up to him, but it's probably why some of his anger ebs away, instead turning into hollow frustration.
He nods, picking up the bottle as he rises to stand. "Yeah.." There's that sign of Sano wanting desperately to be the bigger guy (something neither Sano or Shinpachi is particularly good at, Heisuke knows) as he sucks in a breath of air, and his free hand moves to ruffle Heisuke's hair lightly.
The wry smile on his face doesn't quite reach his eyes.
"I'll be back."
Heisuke only watches his friend's retreating back for a moment or two before he's already turning to head in the direction Shinpachi stomped off to before he won't be able to find him anymore. Not that it seems to take too much though - there's another room behind the door, and then behind that is a small open space, still isolated from the outside world, but a spot where you can at least look up at the sky and catch some fresh air. It's there that he finds Shinpachi sitting on the wooden floor, feet hanging off the edge to blend in between the plants that grow in the small area.
But rather than instantly approaching the other, Heisuke lingers for a moment near the door. Shinpachi has been irritable (and that was putting it lightly) all this time, he knows. He hasn't seen Shinpachi act like.. well, Shinpachi for even a single moment ever since the other became a rasetsu. And it's not like he doesn't get it. Even if Heisuke didn't get prickly over it himself, it's just since his personality is different - he still feels terrible over all of it, after all. This is just Shinpachi's way of feeling terrible; arguing with Sannan at every given opportunity, arguing with Hijikata, arguing with.. well, pretty much whatever came his way. Maybe he's looking for something to blame. Shinpachi always hated the ochimizu more than anyone else, after all. He's always protested against it, and in the end he still took it. Not for cowardly reasons like Heisuke's own (he was so, so afraid of dying - he never thought he would be, but then the moment he lay there dying it felt like the most terrifying thing in the world) but because he wanted to help them. Because he wanted to be responsible, despite what he believed in. Heisuke can't even imagine how much it must have hurt, how much it must frustrate him all the time.
Right now Shinpachi doesn't look angry though. Even if Heisuke can only see the other's profile, it's not anything angry or frustrated or any of the sort. Shinpachi just looks.. empty. He's sitting there like a pillar, unmoving, staring up at the dim lights in the sky, a look in his eyes that's hard to decipher.
It's a little more like the Shinpachi from earlier, with Sano at first, but empty in a more sad than frustrated way.
Heisuke's heart feels like it's crumbling at the edges again. Not for himself and his stupid decisions though, but at the suffering of one of his best friends.
Why did it have to end up like this..?
Swallowing thickly, he moves over to the other with slight steps.
"Hey, Shinpatsu-san.. mind if I sit here too?" He figures he should ask just in case the other is still prickly, or if he doesn't want the company, or--
Heisuke's thousand insecure thoughts are stopped before they can even run their full course by a low, but uncharacteristically soft voice.
"Sure."
Not that he needs more of a cue. Heisuke sits down next to the bigger guy, except he draws his feet up on the wood so he can wrap his arms around his knees, almost curling up in his seated position.
Moments pass and neither of them say anything.
But whereas some silences are comfortable, this one feels like it's going to choke Heisuke under the weight of its sadness. He can't bear it. He can't bear being stuck here all day with all the men turned rasetsu, even if he's one of them. He just can't stand all the suffering he sees, and how Shinpachi is so quiet and irritable at the same time, and how Sannan seems to slip a little further away each day, and hearing men cry each and every single night--
Burying his forehead against his drawn up knees for a moment, Heisuke sucks in a deep breath. He can't make it better, no way. He's not special enough for it, he can hardly match up to the other guys here to begin with. But if he doesn't make a first step to make all of this better, to even try to do so, then will anyone?
"Shinpatsu-san--"
His voice is a little choked, rushed, as he turns to look sideways at the other.
"To me.. you're still pretty amazing, y'know!"
...
Heisuke realises the moment the words have left his mouth that it probably sounds lame. It sounds lame, doesn't it? It's not even what he wanted to say, it's not even the right way to convey the sentiment he wanted to express, he's sure of it. And for a moment he's almost preparing himself for Shinpachi lashing out at him instead this time.
But when Shinpachi turns to look at him, the look in his eyes is still as sadly hollow as before, but there's a spark of something else in there that Heisuke hasn't seen in ages. Not since that night. Not even before it, since he hadn't spent time with the Shinsengumi for so long.
A spark of something he's a little more used to, even if it's still surrounded by what seems like painful feelings.
(There's a lot of things Heisuke doesn't even realise he can't understand - that men like Shinpachi that he looks up to despite making fun of all the time aren't infallibly strong either, that they can hate themselves for their decisions too, that they also experience things like doubt.)
Shinpachi's hand moves up, but it's not a violent gesture. It just lands on Heisuke's head, ruffling his hair just like Sano had before.
There's the same sad edge to the gesture rather than how boisterous it usually is, but maybe you aren't supposed to sweat the little things. Or big things, in this case.
When you're stuck in their situation, maybe sometimes you just have to grab what you can get with both hands and not let go of it.
".. thanks, kid."
It doesn't sound like he's necessarily convinced of the words that flew out of Heisuke's mouth, but there's a sincere gratitude in it with fondness at its edges.
He pulls his hand back, and the two of them return to sitting there in silence.
It's not like before. Maybe it'll never be like before again.
But even though the heaviness to the silence hasn't left, it's just the tiniest bit lighter. Maybe enough to be able to go on another day each day.