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Alice’s smile faded instantly, freezing in her routine of bringing Narcissa her morning tea. Her brows knit together as her eyes narrowed on the teacup in her hand as opposed to turning and looking at the other woman. She took a deep breath and resumed her task, still avoiding the eyes of her lady.
“Would you mind repeating that? I’m not quite sure I understand.” her words came out rougher than she had intended. She placed the tea on the table with a gentle touch, eyes raising to meet the others. In Narcissa’s eyes, she found a dull flutter of pain like storm clouds rolling across the blue sky toward her. Narcissa’s gaze fell first, landing on her hands that rested fidgeting in her lap. Narcissa cleared her throat and picked at her cuticles, shifting in her place as if she felt scrutinized by the eyes of the other so delicately placed on her.
“I said,” her gaze flitted back up to Alice with her words, “that I believe we should no longer partake in our previous… arrangements.” her voice cracked as she spoke the last word however her eyes didn’t move away from the stirring pair that belonged to her lady’s maid. She observed the way Alice’s brows twitched creating a crease between them for just a moment. Her breathing stuttered for a moment and Narcissa felt a pang of guilt ripping her apart.
“Is this you,” Alice enunciated with a calm tone despite the flutter of her heart, “or your shame speaking?” her lips trembled as she looked down at Narcissa. Alice had not held any hope when their secret affair had first been established. It wasn’t the way of things for two women to share what they did. But somehow that spark lit something in her. She had begun to want things. Alice didn’t expect everything to so abruptly cease. She knew in the back of her mind that it would have to because her lady was arranged to be wed however it could never be painless to lose Narcissa.
Narcissa swallowed dryly and looked back down at her hands entirely unaware of how to respond to Alice without twisting the knife. The very notion of hurting her more than she already had to made Narcissa lightheaded. She knew the answer was the latter but it went beyond that. She had a duty to fulfill, a role to fit into. In a better world, one that could be just for them, Narcissa knew that she would stay with Alice for eternity. There was nothing more soothing than her humming as they walked together or the gentle brush of lips that she placed on Narcissa’s shoulder while dressing her. Narcissa cherished Alice and always had. But she was scared. The chance of being caught and Alice being sent away was worse than the chance of Alice hating her. Because if Alice hated her, Alice was still in her life.
“It is me. We can not and will not continue to act upon the impulses that we share.” her voice was stiff, practically political in essence as she grabbed her teacup with steady hands. Alice stood with her bottom lip pulled between her teeth. Tears stung at the corners of her eyes. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly attempting to hold back the sob that raised in her throat.
“What has prompted you to do this to me?” her voice quivered. Narcissa couldn’t even look up at Alice, regret stirring in the pit of her stomach. She tried to think of a reason other than her fear but nothing seemed to fit the weight of the discussion. Her eyes fell shut in resignation.
“I would like to be alone, Alice. Assist the kitchen maids for the day.” she said with an authority she had never once used over her before. Alice paused for a moment, genuinely taken aback by the order. She collected herself and fell back into her place.
“As you wish.”
Narcissa spent the rest of the day in her room, not wishing to run into Alice. She knew that she could not avoid her forever but at the very least she could give them both a day to accept the cards they had been dealt. The day is insipid for both Narcissa and Alice. Narcissa found no comfort in her sisters bringing her books or watching the birds in the tree by her window. She ached with longing for what she had to destroy. Narcissa knew she would never get to hold Alice as she had before. She knew all too well from the beginning that this would end poorly for both of them and yet she still pursued it. She didn’t know how not to reach out and caress the others cheek. Alice’s face had been cupped in Aphrodite’s hands, blessed with soft and full natural beauty. When their lips brushed, Narcissa imagined that the feeling was what inspired great artists. Alice spent the day doing more harm than good by being present in the kitchens of the manor. Her mind wasn’t with her, it wandered to the sleepless nights and the longing gazes that had stitched themselves into the fabric of her being. Alice and Narcissa lay sleepless for hours in their beds, wishing that everything could be different.
The sun peeked through the windows of Alice’s quarters far too soon, her body fatigued from her lack of sleep. Regardless of her exhaustion, she rose with the sun and went through her morning chores robotically. She did not have the privilege of wasting away in bed over a choice she had made. When it came time to prep Narcissa’s morning tea, however, she froze. Alice was not particularly interested in going through that endeavor. It wasn’t even Narcissa’s wish, Alice did it out of a desire to be in her presence. She did not have to do anything she wasn’t ordered to, she noted in her head as she moved on to helping the kitchen maids prepare breakfast.
Narcissa awakened in a dark room. For a moment she panicked in confusion until the realization seeped into her. Alice opened the curtains when she brought tea. The curtains draped shut meant that Alice had decided in her liberty not to do so this morning. Narcissa groaned and rested her head on her knees, guilt weighing on her as the sky weighed on Atlas. She had grown so accustomed to Alice’s warm voice being the first thing she got to experience in the morning. Narcissa wished that she could wake up with Alice every morning until the day death gripped them both and dragged them down. Her bright smile that scrunched up her nose, the energetic laughter that bubbled past her lips like champagne, her calloused hands on Narcissa’s shoulder, the way she always smelt of cinnamon, and the honeyed sweetness of her lips. The five senses of Alice Fortescue. Narcissa sighed and got out of bed, opening the curtains before finding the nearest servant to request that they deliver a message.
Alice was on her way out of the kitchen when a scullery maid stopped her and told her that Narcissa had requested her morning tea. She froze in place before plastering on a smile and thanking the younger girl. Her mind was clouded with a storm of unanswered questions, unaware of how to feel about being asked to continue this routine. Regardless of her hesitance, she knew what she had to do and quickly prepared a tray to bring to her lady’s room. She stood by the door for several minutes, unsure of whether to knock or just enter as she had before. The change in their relationship left her uneasy, she didn’t know how to go about exploring this new state. Eventually, she settled on knocking and heard Narcissa’s near angelic voice tell her to come in.
Narcissa was on the other side of the room fastening the buttons to her lounge dress, something that was typically Alice’s role. The tension between them felt like it would burst into flames if a match was struck. Narcissa smiled softly at Alice who did not return the gesture as she closed the door behind her and silently made her way to set the tray on Narcissa’s table. Narcissa felt her heart give a weak stutter at the coldness Alice displayed toward her. She was well aware that she deserved it but it hurt nonetheless. She scanned Alice’s face as Alice prepared her tea and noted the dark circles beneath her eyes. She sighed and approached her at the table, attempting to raise Alice’s eyes to meet her own.
“My lady, please don’t.” Alice spoke with venom lacing her words. She took a step away and continued to add sugar to Narcissa’s teacup.
“Oh Alice, can’t we be friends–” she was cut off abruptly, brows raising at Alice’s tone.
“Here is the tea you asked for, your grace.” her tone was nothing but professional. When she turned to Narcissa, she looked beyond her. Silence fell between them as the corners of Narcissa’s mouth pulled down into a frown. The complete lack of warmth startled her. It made bile rise in her throat. If she hadn’t been conditioned to hide her emotions, a tear would slip from her eye.
“You came.” her voice came out softer than she had intended. It was just for them, the statement that held so much weight nobody else could possibly understand. She yearned for Alice to pull her into her arms. It was a silly thing to so strongly yearn for something that she had gotten rid of herself.
“You called.”
Silence fell between them as they soaked in Alice’s words. There was the undeniable fact of their power dynamic that veiled her statement. She was just listening to her lady’s orders, doing her job as she has always done. But there had to be something more than that, and there was. Narcissa had embedded it in Alice’s mind from the day they met that she was never to do anything she was uncomfortable with. That Narcissa’s calls were requests as opposed to orders. Her words weren’t an example of duty. They were an emblem of devotion. Alice was on her knees at an altar pledging her life to a god’s purpose. Narcissa raised a hand to cup Alice’s cheek.
“Alice–” her words were once again interrupted by Alice taking a rough step back. This touch had snapped her facade in half, her anger pointedly at Narcissa.
“Don’t! Don’t do that when you know that you are all that I crave. You are my only desire. I serve your family each and every day for the purpose of having you in my life. From dawn to dusk you are the only thought that dares cross my mind. I will not allow you to toy with my mind knowing you do not long for me the way that I do you.” her voice had tapered into a whisper by the end of her rant. Narcissa didn’t give herself a moment to think, relying on the pure impulse of her tongue.
“You will never know the extent to which I yearn for you. I have never hungered for the presence of another if not for the purpose of making myself noticed. When I am around you I am not noticed but I am seen. You understand me in ways that nobody before you has and nobody after you will be allowed to. I think of you. I think of your skin and the way it smells. I think of waking up beside you and being in your presence and it being normal. I lust for the bond between us that nobody understands and that terrifies me. I fear for your well being and I fear of losing you. I fear not fulfilling my duties. I fear everything that could go wrong. I haven’t the simplest idea of how to handle how much care I have for you. It swallows me whole and threatens to drown me with every look you spare on me.” her cheeks were hot with how vulnerable her honesty made her. Her flush only worsened with the way Alice looked at her, eyes soft like the great romantic paintings. Narcissa’s heartbeat quickened, mirroring Alice’s. Alice let her eyes flick between Narcissa’s lips for what felt like forever before surging forward.
Alice’s hands fumbled to grab Narcissa’s face, roughly pulling her into a kiss. Narcissa’s hands moved up to rest on her forearms in an attempt to make sure she stayed with her. They’re unaware of who started to cry first but their tears mingled on their faces regardless. They held each other with unwavering desperation. Narcissa pulled her face away to place sloppy kisses all over Alice’s face. She whispered apologies with each gentle press of her lips to the other's face, letting all of her love pour past them. Alice dropped her hands and wrapped them around Narcissa’s waist, pulling her closer so she can drop her head onto her shoulder. Narcissa lets her hand instinctively move to rub circles into Alice’s scalp. She comes to the realization that no amount of fear could be worse than losing this closeness.
“I can’t lose this, Cissa.” Alice’s voice is muffled against Narcissa’s neck but her neediness is clear enough. Narcissa pulled Alice closer and leaned her head on the others before replying.
“You won’t. I am yours, body and soul.”