Chapter Text
Everything feels so good right now, and everything makes sense. Remus doesn’t know how he didn’t see it all before. It’s so clear. Lily’s laughter, and Dorcas’ smiley teeth are the same sound. Lily with the daisy eyes and Dorcas with a sunshine smile. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. And he’s the moon. It makes so much sense. He has no idea how he didn’t see it before—before someone told him. Someone far away. Someone not here, but impossible not to be aware of. Starlight, maybe.
It’s everything isn’t it? Remus wants people to understand—he wants to tell absolutely everyone how much sense it all makes and how very good it feels. It would be hard to explain, though. He can run his fingers through the hair of the girl with daisy eyes and take a mental picture of the sunshine smile and try to explain that something is happening here. Everything is happening here. Can’t they see how the entire world lives in this room? Don’t they understand that people are big and small and ruined and broken but there here, and how beautiful is that.
Remus tries not to collapse under the weight of all the immense understanding he has come into possession of in the last hour. He wishes he could expel it on the world. Sit them all down in a lecture hall and draw a diagram of a tree and a shark—wait, did you know that sharks have existed on earth longer than trees have? How fucking cool is that. What was he thinking? Oh, yeah, it all makes sense. Someone should know. Remus’ shoes scuff the floor of the pub as he kicks them back and forth under the table. It smells sweaty but different body sprays are making an admirable effort to overcome that.
“Lily!” He shout whispers.
“Oh my God,” Lily says, unable to stop laughing. Remus knows she’s laughing at him, but he’s okay with it because he enjoys making her laugh.
“Do you know how much love there is? Especially from me to you. It’s like—thick. Like…Like…Dorcas’ hair! It’s as thick as Dorcas’ hair, you know?”
Lily laughs at the ceiling like God can hear her. Remus doesn’t think that ‘God’ is a literal concept—in fact, in his state of certainty, he knows it’s not—so he thinks this is silly, and starts laughing, and then he can’t stop. He’s laughing so hard. He hasn’t laughed this hard since he was eight years old and he did a cannonball into the pool at Gran’s and splashed water all over his Mum. She, of course, did a cannonball too, and then his Dad jumped in and splashed them both, and—and—the kind of sense that made? That’s the kind of sense he’s found again, and he’s very appreciative of ever having been eight years old--and maybe even, he’s appreciative of being twenty.
When he’s done laughing and Lily is done getting him water, (Remus knows he should drink some, because right now he knows everything and it all makes perfect sense) he fishes his phone out of the pocket dimension he left it in. He hopes it feels comforted by the other stuff in the pocket dimension—like the stick of gum, and the emergency condom he keeps for when they go out. He finds it and takes it out of the pocket dimension (the others will surely miss it, but he will return it soon). He wants to take a picture because tomorrow he wants to remember why he thought everything was so beautiful. He wants to remind himself of it, because normally he forgets that he lives surrounded by beautiful things.
His fingers get distracted though and instead of clicking on his camera, he clicks his texts. He goes to the ones with the boy who is supposed to be a stranger, but more likely is the infinity of starlight that only shows up at night. He doesn’t know why he feels this way yet, but he’s sure that clarity will come to him as it has with everything else.
[11:15] sex on fire is playing you cheeky asshole
[11:15] I hope you’re having a good night moony
This Starlight of Remus’ is so interesting. He’s so earnest about everything he does. Most people are too preoccupied with keeping their masks firmly in place to ever recognize who they might want to let see beneath it. But speaking to Padfoot is like giving a secret knock and being let in. It’s understanding there are other people and his people, and without even knowing how, or why, or where it happened, you’ve become his people and are no longer other people. It’s eye opening. It’s precious. It makes Remus want to poke fun at him, and goad him, and push him into changing his mind, but something tells him that he’s a bit more stubborn than that. Something tells him that like calls to like and opposites attract and maybe both of those things are true when you’re Padfoot and Moony.
All at once, he has an idea, and once he has the idea the only logical thing to do is do it. So he does. Lily is busy talking to Dorcas and Alice. Remus takes the opportunity to slip away. He feels like he’s jumping through alternate dimensions as he meanders through the packed pub; Lindsey is in a fight with Terrence (he’s on Lindsey’s side)—Morgan doesn’t want to be here but he is because Henry is, and this dimension is full of longing and Remus leaves it quickly—Sasha is here with Elizabeth, Taylor, and Carmen and she’s incandescent—Remus likes that one, but doesn’t want to intrude so he keeps going to find the one he’s looking for. Eventually he finds the one densely populated by red heads.
“Gideon,” Remus greets.
“Remus! Hello love, alright?”
“Fantastic. Pearlescent. Exquisite. High.”
Freckles dance off his cheeks with the force of his laughter. “Leave it to you to say the biggest words you know while out of your mind.”
Remus wants to catch the freckles in the palms of his hands like fireflies. He assumes that’s why his hands end up on Gideon’s cheeks. “How are you Gideon?” he asks very seriously, and like he means it, and not like he doesn’t actually want to know, how most people ask.
“I’m—drunk, definitely. But I feel good. Your face is very close to my face, and I think it’s making me feel even better, so, please continue.” Gideon’s eyes look syrupy.
Remus realizes he’s squinting at the same time he realizes he’s drawn all those dancing freckles close to him for further examination. Well…as long as he’s here. The kiss is good. Gideon tastes like whiskey and Guiness—the Irish fuck—and Remus feels very warm. Remus considers the emergency condom that is in his pocket dimension but doesn’t feel he’ll need it tonight. Gideon is drunk and Remus is—what he is. It's all in good fun, but it’ll end just as quick as it started. Remus still has things to do, after all.
When they’re done, they laugh and Remus kisses both of Gideon’s cheeks. Then Remus explains his idea to him and he smiles very widely (it is entirely made of countryside grass) pointing him in the direction of Fabian. Fabian is tuning a guitar. The sounds coming off the strings smell like his Mum and Dad’s house. Like honey and sugar.
For identical twins, Fabian is very visibly different to Gideon, although that might only be because Fabian is so obviously Fire and Gideon is so obviously earth. Remus gives a moment of consideration to zodiac signs but then remembers twins are literally born at the same time so Dorcas has definitely been wrong all along— ha!
“I’ve got to play Sex on Fire because the stars demand it,” Remus explains, “and frankly, I really want to. It just feels like the thing to do, you know.”
Fabian seems half as drunk as his genetic counterpart but double as mischievous and agrees immediately.
“I didn’t know you played, Remus. You never mentioned it,” Fabian muses.
Remus feels a wave cresting from behind him that threatens to take over; a memory, a sensation of fear, a crash. He doesn’t want that to have any power tonight, though. Those things have kept a boot to his neck for far too long and he simply will not be dealing with it tonight. Maybe that's bravery, but Remus thinks it’s more like defiance (but really it’s bravery, defiance, and being too out of one's mind to know that fear exists at all). Either way, he takes the guitar that Fabian hands him and plays the intro to the song perfectly.
“Oh, fuck, so you’re like—really good.”
“I can play,” Remus states, somewhat redundant, because he thought that part was obvious.
“Well then, I guess we’re playing Sex on Fire. I’ll go tell King and Emmy.” Fabian claps him on both shoulders and Remus is so happy he could be floating. Instead he kisses Fabian full on the mouth. Oops. Fabian laughs so hard that the freckles, once again, dance. Like embers crackling up from a flame. Remus finds it mesmerizing.
“Wrong brother mate, but you have a lovely mouth.” As if to prove he means it, Fabian leans back in to place a smacking kiss on Remus’ lips. Remus feels encouraged by this, enough to prove to Fabian that Remus’ mouth really is lovely, and very impressive, and can please whomever he likes. When Fabian pulls back he seems surprised. He blinks really hard for about three seconds, then squints his eyes, tips his head back and forth in consideration. Having come to a decision, he shrugs in a ‘fuck it’ gesture and kisses Remus again. This Remus was not expecting but he finds it fun all the same. After a good healthy snog he pulls away because Fabian still has to go tell Kingsley and Emmeline that Remus is joining them on stage.
Remus’ phone is buzzing in the pocket dimension. He checks it quickly because he remembers that texts can lead to very fascinating people.
[12:20] Remus where are you babe
[12:20] I literally turned around for two seconds where are you???
[12:25] when I find your body I’m going to draw a mustache on ur face so you have to be buried for eternity like that
It’s just Lily, who is very fascinating but not really the particular kind of fascinating Remus has been thinking of all week. He goes to a different text string instead of answering Lily.
[12:30] I’m gplyin ur sonh
[12:30] no
[12:30] Im playing your song
[12:30] yes
Typing is annoying. It isn’t usually this hard. Padfoot seems to realize that Remus has come into contact with some illicit substances and checks to make sure he’s okay. And, see—that, that is what makes him such an enigma. Why should he care about a total stranger? Why would he want to involve him in a night where he’s not even there? Why would he do that? It’s ridiculous.
[12:36] you played it for me so I’m playing it for you
[12:36] oh
[12:36] okay then :)
Remus finds it so absurd. Perfectly illogical. A butterfly flapped its wings, a ray of sunlight shot through a coffee shop window, a breeze let a boy’s thumb drift to the wrong number. And now Remus is about to get on stage for the first time in three years and play a song for that boy who keeps making him smile. Isn’t that something strange? Isn’t that wild? Remus thinks so. Remus thinks there are a great many things that have started to make sense, and one of them is that nothing makes sense at all—and it’s all so rare and unlikely. If just a butterfly's wing could do all this, Remus wants to jump around, and play, and sing, and see how many ripples he can make. He wants to shake out the fabric, bang away the dust with a bat and fold it over until the moon and the stars touch.
That’s what performing used to feel like. Being on stage in front of so many people. It felt like throwing paint at a blank landscape, and every once in a while he’d make something beautiful.
“Ready Remus,” Fabian asks at his shoulder suddenly. He doesn't know when he got there. Kingsley has a bass slung over his shoulders and Emmeline is banging her sticks along the wall. He texts Padfoot.
[12:37] oh wer on
[12:38] Moony you really are fucking magical aren’t you
Emmeline throws back a shot herself and then pours one for each of them. Remus giggles, but only because Emmeline is very cool and for a moment he forgot that he too is very cool. And then they're on stage. Someone gives a high pitched scream and someone whistles (daisy eyes and sunshine smile).
Fabian introduces them. “Hello everyone, we hope you don’t mind but our friend Remus here would like to join us for a song. This is Sex On Fire. Sing along if you know the words.”
The pub cheers and Kingsley plays them in. Remus’ hands are moving on the guitar before he’s even aware of it. Muscle memory taking over. His voice is raspy and a little pitchy but it’s fun. It’s so fucking fun, and the crowd is loving it. The guitar is part of his body; his hips hold down the beat, and his hands dance along keeping perfect time. And nothing—absolutely nothing—compares to a pub full of strangers who know nothing about one another but know this song, screaming the chorus like God should be listening. Like someone should pay attention to this. Except no one is, but they are, and that is absurd and so fucking magical.
“You—”
“Your sex is on fire—”
“Consumed—”
“By what’s just transpired—”
Nothing should be allowed to feel that good. His fingers buzz and his ears ring even after the song is finished and Fabian’s band starts to play their regular set. Remus finds himself outside with a cigarette and a water bottle trying to tie his shoes to the ground so he doesn't float away. Everything is slower now, too. He’s burned through three cigarettes before his mind starts to blink awake and realize he’s about to enter the less fun part of the night.
He texts Lily: [1:03] I’m gonna throw up; Right before he does. When she reaches him he’s sipping his water and lighting another cigarette. He hands that one over and fishes another one out of his pack for himself.
Lily is laughing and blowing smoke rings. “Do you feel okay?” she asks.
Remus hums. Could be yes, could be no. He hasn’t decided yet.
“I know you’re going to regret all this in the morning, if you even remember it, so I’m going to say this now. That was incredible and extremely fucking cool—I don’t know what gave you the courage to do that, but if I could have some I’d be Prime Minister in five years, easy.”
Remus laughs and the motion forces his head sideways so he tips his head onto Lily’s shoulder. At some point his eyes close, and bright technicolor lights dance behind his eyelids. He could probably tell her about Padfoot, how he made him brave, but the feeling is only just making itself at home in Remus’ chest and he wants to keep it to himself for a little. He doesn’t want to look at it too closely in case it goes away.
“Let’s go home,” he says instead.
Lily kisses his head and they grab Dorcas who calls them a ride. Remus watches the city move out the window of the car as Lily and Dorcas laugh at each other. They stop to get chips before they pull up to the dorm Dorcas lives in and in two blinks, they’re pulling up to their apartment and Lily is dragging him out the door.
When they get in there’s a record still on the turntable and Remus resets the needle without checking what it is. It’s the Fleetfoxes and the soft melody coats the end of the night in a blanket of melted butter. Remus sits on the bathroom floor eating his chips while Lily takes her makeup off and tells him a story from her part of the night. He brushes his own teeth soon after, swapping his outside jumper for his inside one and kissing the top of Lily’s head before parting at their doorways for bed.
He isn’t sure he can sleep just yet though, so he grabs a joint and opens his window leaning half out onto the fire escape. He pulls out his phone.
[2:08] I think I’d recognize you too btw
[2:08] If you can paint me i can put you in a song
[2:08] something so big it needs to be small
[2:08] like one chord that echoes until it fills you up entirely with noise
[2:10] you are just
[2:10] i mean
[2:10] what do I even say to that?
[2:11] I am immeasurably happy that I texted you instead of prongs
[2:11] he’s amazing but he’s never
[2:11] he’s never said that to me before
[2:11] fucking christ
[2:12] i hope that’s a good thing
[2:12] oh my Moony, you are very, very good
A chill prickles at his skin like hundreds of little needles. Good people, Remus thinks, probably don’t spend the majority of their time trying to convince themselves that they’re good. And that’s what Remus has been doing for a long time now. Of course Padfoot doesn’t know this. Why would he? Remus hasn’t had the chance to ruin anything yet. He probably will, even though he’ll try not to. He always does.
[2:13] i guess we really don’t know each other
Remus doesn’t want to be outside anymore. He doesn’t want to think about this. He can’t think about this, not when every other part of the night has gone so well. He stubs out his joint and leaves it in the tray next to his bed, closing the window. Without questioning it too much he gathers up his blanket and pads across the hall into Lily’s room lying down next to her. Right when he gets comfortable she flips over and latches onto his chest like a leech. It should be annoying, but it's grounding and Remus’ eyes feel very heavy. Before he can close them completely his phone buzzes in his pocket.
[2:14] you are good
[2:14] I think you’re good
[2:16] I think I’m just coming down now
[2:16] is someone there to hold you through it
[2:16] Lily is passed out on top of me like a security blanket
[2:17] I like her
[2:17] me too
[2:17] goodnight padfoot
[2:17] goodnight Moony
[2:17] thanks for playing me a song
[2:18] thanks for playing me one too
He tosses his phone onto the night stand and watches as his screen goes black casting the room into darkness. When he falls asleep he dreams of lots of things he won't remember in the morning. He dreams of his own teeth growing longer until they barely fit his mouth, chewing on his own heart until it stops beating. He dreams of the moon, or maybe being the moon, or maybe being on the moon and very far apart from everything. He dreams of a mushroom field. Red hair, daisy eyes. Thick braids, sunshine smile. His mum in a pool. His mum in a pool of blood. His dad crying. Him crying. Everyone and everything he’s ever loved on earth, and him, the moon, so far away from it all. The stars. Glittering and shining-- also a great long distance from earth but finding a reason to be beautiful anyway.
He dreams about romantic things like being melancholic, and alive, and nothing at all, and human, and remembers none of it.
That’s okay.
When he wakes up he’s in his best friend's bed surrounded by the smell of vanilla and flowers.
There’s coffee brewing somewhere in the flat (probably due to said best friend). His phone buzzes from a text. Lily plugged it in for him. His head is pounding like it’s trying to break his skull but he’s here. And that’s good. And that’s romantic. And he can do this. Probably. Only if Lily brings him coffee, and depending on what texts are waiting for him.