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Loving and fighting, accusing, denying
I can't imagine a world with you gone
The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of
I'd be so lost if you left me alone
Another night was upon Seattle. The night was stormy, and rain had been pouring down from the sky since late afternoon. One would think the end of the world was near. Well, for one particular resident, it might as well be the end of the world. And funnily enough, she would have been okay with that. It had been two months since she had ruined everything.
The young firefighter captain signalled to the bartender, Joe, to get a refill of her beer. She was on a mission, the mission to get so drunk that she couldn't remember her name by the end of the night. Least of all, the reason why she was here in the first place. Probably to forget and drown her sorrows and self-pity in alcohol. Again. It became somewhat of a routine for the blonde woman. Sure, alcohol was not the solution to her problems, but it helped her to forget about the Italian woman for a few hours. Vic and Andy exchanged worried looks throughout the evening.
This scenario wasn’t new to them. It happened almost every night since Carina left the blonde's apartment after the firefighter cheated on her. But they still couldn’t understand why their friend didn’t try to talk to her former lover and beg her for forgiveness. They were meant to be.
Carina had entered the bar over two hours ago. By her side was a beautiful blonde woman. Apparently, she had a type.
For hours Maya just sat there and watched the love of her life having fun with another woman. In the corner booth, away from prying eyes and away from her . The way she laughed and tossed her head back while doing so. Her long wavy hair cascaded down her back. Maya was sure it would be as soft and fluffy to touch as she remembered it. The way her eyes seemed to sparkle and her smile seemingly lit up the entire universe. Well, Maya Bishop's universe. Maya loved that smile. She loved everything about Carina DeLuca. Maya didn't even need to look at her. No, she just knew what the stunning brunette looked like at this very moment. Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Carina seemed to be happy. Genuinely and unapologetically happy. Maybe for the first time in months. Who even knew at this point? Maya for sure didn’t, and it was killing her. She wanted to be the cause of Carina’s happiness! But instead, she was the cause of her pain.
Vic Hughes walked back with another round of drinks and put one down in front of her fellow firefighter, her captain. A look of sadness and sympathy accompanied her. Maya learned to ignore these sorts of looks. She didn't need pity or sympathy because she didn't deserve it. She wasn't worthy of it. She wasn't worthy of her . And heaven knows, everyone in this godforsaken city should know it by now. She was not worthy of Carina's love. Not after what she did. Not after the way she treated and hurt her , again and again. The blonde had no intention to cheat on Carina that night. It just happened. It was out of her control. Right?
Letting out a long and heavy sigh, the blonde captain slumped back in her side of the booth. She kept an eye on the scene in front of her at the pool table. She grabbed her beer, took a large sip, and slammed it down harder on the table than she needed to. Andy raised a disapproving eyebrow at the sulking firefighter beside her. At this point, she was slightly fed up with her best friend's behaviour.
“For God’s sake, Maya! Get over yourself, walk up to your Italian goddess and apologise to her! Talk to her! You would be surprised how far an “I’m sorry” can get you.”
Maya stared at her friend but didn’t bother to answer her. Why should she? She knew Andy was right. Oddly enough, Jack gave her the same advice a few weeks ago.
Laughter from the other side of the bar reached the captain's ears. When she looked over, she instantly wished she hadn't done it.
Carina was leaning with her hip against the pool table, smiling triumphantly at the woman in front of her. The other woman leaned in, probably for a kiss, but Maya averted her eyes before she had to witness it. Seeing them together felt like a punch to her gut. She didn’t need to see Carina kissing another woman. Not giving a shit at that moment, she reached for her beer and downed it.
"You think drowning your sorrows in alcohol is going to make it better?"
Vic questioned from her seat opposite Maya. She also had witnessed the little scene at the pool table. But she didn’t look away when the unknown woman leaned into Carina's personal space. If Maya hadn't done it either, she would have seen that they definitely did not kiss. The captain chuckled dryly and fixed one of her best friends with a surprisingly intense stare.
"Ha, that's so rich. Both of you drowned your relationship drama in alcohol at this very bar. So why am I not allowed to do the same?" Maya spat the words out. Not bothered by her attitude, the younger woman just raised her eyebrows.
"Ouch dude, you're right. But this," pointing at all of the shots and empty glasses in front of Maya "is definitely not what gets you out of this mess. Besides, we...” she pointed at Andy and herself “... didn’t drown our sorrows for two months straight. We either figured it out, like Andy and Sullivan did, or broke up, like Jackson and I. Talk to her, Bishop!”
The blonde grumbled unintelligibly and averted her eyes to look down at the table, lips quivering slightly.
Catching the eye of Andy beside her struggling captain, Hughes shrugged her shoulders helplessly. Indicating she had no idea what to do anymore. Andy had an equally resigned look on her face. You couldn’t help someone who wasn’t ready to accept the help. Both women turned their heads to look at their friend once again. The slumped form of Maya and the utter look of devastation did it for them. Sighing loudly and with a soft look in her eyes, Andy reached for the blonde's hand and squeezed it.
"Look Maya, I'm not good at this. I have my fair share of problems with Robert, but you have to get out of this dark place. It has already ruined your relationship with your girlfriend. Don't let it ruin your entire life. What about your career or about all of these plans you had for the future? We want to help you, but you need to open up and accept our help, you stubborn idiot."
Maya didn't look at Andy, nor did she indicate in any way that she heard what the other woman said. Although the brunette firefighter knew her friend had listened to her. Instead of answering, the captain's eyes shifted to the other side of the bar again.
“I only want her…” she whispered in a low voice so that neither Andy nor Vic could hear it.
Slightly irritated with her friend's behaviour, Andy followed her gaze and sighed heavily.
"She looks happy," Maya's voice was filled with raw emotion.
"You know that woman isn’t the one she wants to spend her night with." Vic argued and brought herself back into the “Maya intervention.”
The blonde huffed. "Please, we both know that is a lie. She wouldn’t be here with that blonde chick if she didn’t want to spend time with her."
"Yeah, well...you could make her happier," the other woman tried to sound nonchalant. Her heart was breaking for Maya. All she wanted was for the Italian doctor and her best friend to be that annoyingly cute couple again.
Maya smiled half-heartily at her friend. She eyed the nearly empty beer in front of her. Then her eyes wandered over to Carina again. Andy and Vic observed their friend, while the captain's eyes rapidly shifted between the beer and the woman she loved. Abruptly the blonde woman turned her head and stared right into Andy's eyes. That was the moment the brunette knew Maya had enough of the life she was currently living. Or so she thought. The captain levelled her best friends with a look of determination.
"I can’t do this anymore. I need to leave," she whispered and stood up, ready to bold out of the bar.
"Maya ..."
The slight commotion at their table brought attention to them. One of the people looking their way was Carina, who was lining up to take another shot at the pool table. Instantly drawn to one another, deep brown eyes met blue ones. It was like the world stopped for both of them.
Carina was shocked to see the blonde woman for the first time after nearly two months of radio silence.
A silent whisper of her name left the doctor's lips as she openly stared at the woman she was ready to risk it all for. The woman who broke her heart in a thousand little pieces. The woman who made her believe in love again. That woman looked so utterly broken and lost. At this moment, she just wanted to hug her and never let her go. Forget about the cheating, forget the fighting, forget about it all, and just exist with her forever.
“Maya…”
Only one word. Just her name. Spoken so silently that Maya should not have been able to hear it. But she did. And it brought up a whole new set of emotions within the blonde. She couldn’t endure it any longer and stormed out of the bar.
Perplexed, the Italian doctor looked after the retreating woman.
It was only a matter of seconds before the brunette turned around to face her companion. The blonde woman smiled at her former girlfriend.
“Go,” Arizona said to her. An encouraging smile on her face. She understood better than anyone else what it meant to lose the love of your life.
“I’m sorry, but…” Carina tried to explain, but Arizona cut her off.
“Go, Carina! What are you waiting for, go and get your girl. You can work this out. Don’t give up just yet.” The blonde chuckled and shooed her friend out of the door.
Before she could leave, Carina turned around and hugged her former girlfriend tight.
“Thank you! It was nice catching up with you, Arizona. I wish you and your little family back in New York all the best.” The brunette whispered into her friend's ear before she stepped out of the bar.
Leaving three women with hopeful smiles behind, all of whom were rooting for them.
+++++++
Carina ran after Maya, shouting her name.
“Maya stop!” But the firefighter just kept going, tears streaming down her face.
“Maya, please!” The doctor begged her former lover at this point. Her voice cracked just a little bit at the end. That did it for Maya. Knowing the other woman was hurting, again because of her, made her stop in her tracks.
Carina approached her ex-girlfriend, who still didn't want to turn around. Because Maya was sure of one thing. If she turned around right now, she wouldn’t be able to hold back anymore.
The brunette woman stopped just a few steps behind the blonde. Yearning to look into the bluest eye she had ever seen. Carina reached out for Maya and put a hand on her shoulder. Maya's breath hitched at the contact. Warmth spread through her entire body.
“Bambina … please, guardami.”
Maya shut her eyes and swallowed loudly. How she had yearned to hear that nickname. Again and again. She couldn’t fight it anymore.
Unexpectedly the blonde turned around, startling Carina slightly. The moment their eyes connected, it was like a dam opening, and the words spiralled out of Maya's mouth.
“I love you,” two sets of eyes widened in shock.
“Oh, God.. oh, my God, that just came flying out of my face. I love you. I just...I did it again. I love you. I do. I just love you. And I have been trying not to say it. I have been trying so hard to just mash it down and ignore it and not say it… I am so in love with you. You’re in me. You’re like — it’s like you’re a disease. Oh, oh God no that doesn’t sound right. But it is true, though. It’s like I am infected by Carina DeLuca and I just can’t think about anything or anybody. I can’t sleep. I can’t breathe. I can’t eat. And I love you. I love you all the time. Every minute of every day. I love you.” Maya was rambling at this point. She didn’t know what to say, so she just said everything that she wanted to tell Carina since that fateful night in her apartment. Maya Bishop didn't do love, but she was in love with Carina DeLuca.
Carina was shocked. She didn’t know what to say. The woman she cared so deeply for, who had all these walls around her heart she desperately wanted to crack, just bared her heart to the Italian.
The blonde eyed the woman in front of her. Trying to gauge her reaction to her literal love confession. But her nerves got the better of her, so the captain started to fidget with her fingers and looked at the ground. If she was going to get rejected, she didn’t want to look into the Italian's eyes.
Finally coming to her senses after the initial shock, a smile spread across Carina's face.
“I love you too.”
Maya's head shot up. Locking eyes with Carina. A small, hopeful smile spread across her face. She couldn’t believe what she just heard.
“You, you do? But what about that woman in the bar?” The blonde asked in a small voice. She had to make sure she heard Carina correctly.
Carina tilted her head slightly. Looking at Maya with nothing but love and affection, despite the hurt she still felt about Maya's infidelity. But they could work it out. They just had to. Because a life without Maya Bishop by her side was no option anymore.
The Italian nodded.
“I do, I really do. And that woman was an old friend. Nothing more and nothing less, Maya.” The brunette assured the younger woman with her soft and melodic voice.
Maya laughed and sniffled through her tears. This had to be a dream right?
Carina's expression sobered up a bit. Her tone got a little more serious as she took Maya's hands in hers.
“We will figure it out. But, before anything can happen again, I need to learn to trust you again, Maya. I love you bambina, but …” She tried to explain herself. Because she wasn’t ready to dive right into a relationship with Maya again. How was she supposed to, when she didn’t trust her at the moment?
But Maya took the little sat back like a true champion and nodded along like an overeager puppy. “Anything, Carina … I’ll do anything.” It came out slightly more desperate than she intended to. But she needed the Italian to know that she would do anything to gain her trust again.
The doctor smiled at the captain's eagerness. Yeah, they could figure it out. Carina was sure of that and brought Maya into a hug. She wasn’t quite ready for anything else yet, but she craved the feeling of having the blonde in her arms. And by the way Maya hung on to her, she apparently felt the same.
“Thank you,” Maya whispered with a slight hitch in her voice. “... thank you for giving me another chance.”
Carina hummed in affirmation. She hugged Maya like she didn’t want to ever let her go. She wanted to hold on to her forever.
Hold on, I still want you
Come back, I still need you
Let me take your hand, I'll make it right
I swear to love you all my life
Hold on, I still need you