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He gently rolls off the accelerator and slowly depresses the brake as the security checkpoint comes into view. Out of the corner of his eye, he watches the small, freshly potted plant teeter precariously forwards, threatening to tip over and spill even more soil onto the passenger seat. For one long, drawn out second he holds his breath watching the small pot hover on the cusp of its tipping point before rocking gently backwards, thumping silently against the backrest of the seat. He exhales in relief, some of the tension he hadn’t been aware of seeping out of the muscles in his back.
The guard stationed at the checkpoint motions for him to drive straight up to the gate and Thomas kills the engine with slightly stiffer fingers than usual.
“Name,” the guard states, voice monotone, eyes devoid of emotion boring into Thomas.
“Thomas Schubaltz,” he replies, handing his visitor pass over to the guard. The thin paper feels heavy in his hand. “I’m here to see Karl.”
The guard takes the pass and inspects it closely before rattling off a military rank that belongs to his brother. It goes over Thomas’s head, or rather he deems it unimportant, but the directions the guard gives him he listens to carefully, committing them to memory. He nods his understanding at the guard who finally raises the boom gate, allowing Thomas entry into the training barracks.
Thomas starts his car again and places a hand on the terracotta pot, keeping it steady as he drives forwards. As he enters the rabbit warren that is military facility he’s uncertain as to why he suddenly feels so nervous.
Thomas leaves his car parked between two military vehicles. It doesn’t escape him how out of place the private vehicle appears between the two jeeps, its sleek glossy paint and low carriage at odds with the sheer practicality and high clearance of the favored car of the Imperial army. He shakes his head, forcing himself to concentrate on finding Karl. The guard said that his brother would meet him in the common area in the east wing of building six and Thomas doesn’t want to waste any time getting there. He’s barely seen Karl since his older brother started officer training and Thomas decides then that the butterflies flapping away in the pit of his stomach must be due to the excitement and anticipation of seeing him again.
Entering the cold, imposing building, Thomas walks down the clean, stark corridors. With each step he takes, a slight feeling of apprehension gnaws its way into his usually clear, calculating mind. He feels like an intruder. The building and its occupants are so different to the tech school he has called home for the past year. The walls are devoid of any creativity, of any free-thought, and the people may as well be carbon copies of each other in their matching grey uniforms. The atmosphere is stifling to Thomas, and he imagines it weighing his shoulders down, making his back bend and his shoes heavy until he’s forced to lift his knees and march like the countless soldiers that call the barracks their home. To some extent he’s glad that Karl is well on his way to becoming a star soldier, living up to the pressure of the family name, because Thomas knows he would never be able to...and he would never, ever, want to...not anymore at least.
He follows the mental map he has made in his head and rounds a corner. He’s glad he doesn’t have Karl’s life he thinks to himself. He’s glad that he’s free to pursue his own interests, to pursue his own dreams, to be his own person without the constraints of the military, without the shackles of family honor binding him to a career he doesn’t believe in. He’s better than that, he can be more than that.
He pauses as he reaches the closed door to the common room and admonishes himself for his thoughts. He had thought he was over his petty childhood jealously toward his older brother. He loves his brother, he is proud of him, yet his own thoughts of inadequacy and envy continued to haunt him into adulthood. Those emotions had been quelled by praise from his professors and looks of discontentment from his fellow peers as he once again topped the programming and Zoid technology classes. But his achievements are confined within the walls of the tech school and academia - outside of it he was only Thomas Schubaltz walking in the shadow of his older brother, the black sheep of the Schubaltz family, the one who isn’t doing his duty to the glorious Guylos Empire, the one who will never be acknowledged and praised by the Emperor himself.
But Thomas is determined to prove everyone wrong. To prove that science can serve the Empire as well as, if not more, than any soldier ever can. He is going to carve out his own path, his own name. But most importantly...he is going to be a little brother that Karl can be proud of...and today will mark his first step down that road.
Resolved and calmed by his conviction, Thomas draws himself up to his full height and waves his hand over the sensor next to the door. He sucks in a breath as the doors whoosh open, stepping across the threshold and into the modest room. Thomas spots Karl immediately and the sight makes him smile in nostalgia. Maybe his brother hadn’t changed so much after all. Karl hunches over a steaming sink of water in the small kitchenette furiously scrubbing the bottom of a glass coffee jug and Thomas waits just inside the room, content to absorb the pseudo homely scene as his brother mutters and curses under his breath.
“It’s like cleaning up after you all over again,” Karl says, not turning around. “I hope your dorm mates aren’t suffering too much.”
Karl’s voice is light and Thomas can tell that he’s joking rather than chastising him but a flicker of hurt courses through Thomas’s veins.
“I’m living alone,” Thomas replies, his smile masking the disappointment of Karl forgetting, “I wrote to you, remember?”
Karl turns, finally content with the cleanliness of the jug, and that’s when Thomas sees them. There are dark lines under his brother’s eyes, lines that Thomas hasn’t seen for years but is far too familiar with regardless.
“Karl...are you sleeping?”
His brother ignores him instead reaching up into a cupboard, retrieving a dented tin of cheap coffee and two white porcelain mugs, their insides stained a light brown colour from repeated use. “You still take sugar in your coffee, don’t you?” Karl asks over his shoulder, blatantly ignoring Thomas’s question.
“Four,” Thomas says easily, not missing the slight frown of disapproval that passes over Karl’s face.
“Go sit down.” Karl orders and Thomas slumps into one of the couches placed in the centre of the room. Thomas watches his brother carefully as he prepares the coffee, watches his stiff shoulders and the way he drums his fingers against the countertop, waiting for the water to boil. Karl appears tense and it makes Thomas worry.
“Karl…”
He’s interrupted by the kettle’s poor attempt at a whistle, signifying the completion of its task. Karl pops the lip off the coffee tin with practiced ease and it doesn’t escape Thomas’s attention that his brother loads another teaspoon of the cremated coffee beans into his own cup.
“I thought you chose not to poison yourself with that stuff,” Thomas quips as Karl hands him his mug.
Karl sighs, it’s almost imperceptible but Thomas notices it, placing his mug on the low table between them and sinking back onto the couch opposite Thomas. “It’s been necessary,” Karl says, leaning forward to take the mug again. He lifts it to his mouth, carefully blowing on it several times before taking a sip and Thomas sees his face wrinkle in disgust. Thomas can’t help but chuckle.
“You know I could always bring you some tea leaves. There’s a new shop that’s opened up in the Guygalos central district. I thought we could check it out sometime…” Thomas trails off as Karl sighs and places his mug back down on the low coffee table.
“I don’t have time, Thomas.” There’s exhaustion in Karl’s voice but Thomas can only focus on his own disappointment again, this time eating at his stomach. He looks down at his own mug hoping to hide the emotion from his face but he is too slow and his brother knows him too well. “Thomas…” Karl begins, voice softer, “…I’m sorry, but the officer training program is intense and I’m taking on a few extra courses so I can graduate sooner. Maybe you could take one of your friends along?”
Thomas bites the inside of his lip. He doesn’t have any friends he can take along. He doesn’t have any friends period. His teeth sink into his flesh until it stings and it’s only then that he relents, swiping his tongue over the impression he’s made. He wishes that Karl wasn’t such a damn over achiever, wishes that he was as important to Karl as the family honor. Thomas knows he’s being irrational but he can’t help it when his emotions rear their ugly heads, trampling his usually logical thoughts. He swallows, trying to force the emotions back down and shrugs.
“It’s fine, Karl. I know you’re busy.” You’re always busy, he adds in his head.
Karl gives him a small smile and takes another sip of his coffee. “You’re busy too, aren’t you? How are your studies? Have you selected a research project?”
Thomas blinks at Karl momentarily dumbfounded that his brother remembered his honors project. The question wipes his pessimistic thoughts away. Finally the moment he can tell Karl about what he’s been working on over the year. The moment he’ll get to see pride shining in his brother’s eyes, the same pride their parents always graced Karl with. Thomas manages to collect himself enough to stammer out two syllables.
“A.I.”
“A.I.?” Karl repeats, eyebrows knitting together in confusion.
“Artificial Intelligence.” Thomas clarifies. He keeps his voice strong, refusing to let it waver from excitement and nerves. “I want to create a system that can effectively control a combat Zoid without the need for a pilot. A program that can be integrated into command and combat systems that will enhance a Zoid’s natural capabilities.”
“Thomas…” There’s a warning tone to Karl’s voice, almost like a low growl but it goes unnoticed by Thomas. He’s excited to finally be able to tell his brother about his project, a project he is proud of, a project his brother will surely approve of.
“Think about it, Karl!” Thomas exclaims, growing more animated as he is carried away by his own passion. “Advanced learning systems that can analyse the best course of action in an instant, that work together seamlessly, all without the aid of a pilot.” Thomas pauses momentarily, grinning at Karl who stares back at him with skepticism written all over his face. Thomas knows that his next words will surely get through to his older brother. “Think about all the lives that could be saved, Karl.”
Karl’s mug slams down on the coffee table, the sharp sound of china on glass making the action seem more severe. “Thomas,” Karl admonishes, “you can’t replace a soldier with a machine-“
“Why not?” Thomas snaps, cutting his brother off as the heat of his emotions flare again. Karl’s reaction is not the one he is expecting. It confuses and angers him. “Don’t you want to stop people dying, Karl?” Thomas’s voice is almost desperate. “Isn’t that one of the reasons you wanted to become a solider?” His voice is getting louder. “To stop senseless deaths? So what happened to-“
Thomas bites his tongue hard as a stricken look flashes across his brother’s face. It’s gone in an instant but Thomas immediately regrets causing it. He freezes.
“Thomas,” Karl repeats slowly, carefully. “What you want to do….it’s a noble cause but it’s not the answer.” Karl hesitates, choosing his next words deliberately. “You can’t program compassion, Thomas. Nor can you write a code for moral decision making.” Karl glances over at the closed door briefly before turning his attention back to Thomas. “And you can’t control whose hands your program will fall into.”
Thomas slumps forwards, hanging his head, listening to Karl’s words. There’s no bitterness in them, just the gentle tone of an older sibling explaining to a child why he is wrong. Thomas feels his eyes sting, he should be use to this by now but he still hates it. He hates himself. Hates himself for getting carried away by his ideas, hates himself for not thinking things through…hates himself for failing to live up to expectations.
“Thomas…you can’t always rely on machines, machines can’t-“
Karl abruptly stops talking and both brothers turn their attention to the door that’s just opened. Thomas stares up at the tall, imposing man standing in the doorway. His shoulders are rolled back and his stance casual as he emanates self assurance. He cocks an eyebrow at Thomas while leaning himself back against the door jamb.
“So you’re Karl’s little brother,” the man drawls, his voice gravelly like his stubbled cheeks. The words are like sandpaper against Thomas’s already frayed nerves and his hackles rise. There’s something he doesn’t like about this man.
“Don’t you realise you’re interrupting us?” Thomas bites out.
“Thomas!”
Karl snaps at his younger brother’s rudeness but the edge of the man’s mouth just curls up in a sneer as he looks down at Thomas.
“Not exactly the manners I would expect from a member of the prestigious Schubaltz family.”
The way the man enunciates the word ‘prestigious’ causes Thomas’ face to heat with both rage and embarrassment. He sinks his teeth into his tongue to prevent himself making a snide retort and forces himself to look away from the man and back at his brother.
“Please forgive my brother, Ralph. We were having a rather private conversation.” Karl says smoothly, obviously trying to disperse the tension hanging in the air.
“It’s fine. Squad Six are going up to the officer’s bar for drinks now. I figured you could do with a stiff drink or two.”
“Ralph, I can’t-“
Ralph holds his hand up, palm facing outwards. “Don’t give me that,” Ralph says. “You can’t spend every waking moment trying to be mister perfect soldier, loosen up a bit.”
The dark lines under Karl’s eyes, the tension tightening his shoulders, the impatient drumming of his fingers - it all makes sense to Thomas now. Karl is pushing himself too hard. Thomas looks down at his hands, the taste of coffee in his mouth bitter despite all the sugar. Maybe he isn’t the only one feeling the weight of the expectations that come with the Schubaltz name.
“You should go, Karl.” Thomas says, looking up from his hands at his brother’s slightly puzzled expression. It wasn’t like Thomas to voluntarily give up time with his brother. “You deserve it.”
“Guess you weren’t lying, Karl. Your little brother is a genius after all.” Ralph says, his crooked smirk transforming into a grin and Thomas’ heart skips a beat….Karl described him as a genius…
…maybe Karl was proud of him after all.
Karl walks Thomas back to his car, promising Ralph that he will only be a few minutes. As they enter the parking lot, Karl gives his brother an awkward hug. It’s quick but Thomas soaks in the contact. He’s glad he got to see his brother. Karl takes a step back and looks at him.
“It’s a good idea, Thomas. Just think about what I said…if there is anyone that can make it work, it’s you.”
And with those final words, Karl turns on his heel and walks back to the base leaving Thomas staring after him. Thomas shakes his head, a small smile pulling at his lips, and walks over to his car. He unlocks it and slides inside, feeling as if a weight had lifted from his shoulders. As he pushes the key into the ignition he realises he’s forgotten something.
The black lily sits in its terracotta pot on the passenger seat. Thomas hastily reaches over and grabs it. He swings open the car door, alights from the vehicle and half jogs over to where he saw Karl disappear. Whipping his head around, he can’t see his brother. He exhales in agitation and, in defeat, asks a passing solider where his brother’s room is.
Thomas places the pot down on the floor in front of Karl’s room. He knows that Karl will know it’s from him. There are still plenty of the lilies growing at their family home, a testament to their mother’s love of gardening and the family’s love of their country. The black lily is the national floral emblem of the Guylos Empire after all, so what else would grow in the garden beds that lined Schubaltz manor?
But it isn’t because of the empire that Thomas carefully replanted the dark flower. It is because of the flower’s meaning.
Resilience, dedication and compassion.
That is the meaning of the flower and the reason it was chosen as the floral emblem of the Empire. Their mother had told them that as they helped her plant them as children.
Thomas knows that Karl has all those qualities and that he would become a treasure to the empire in his own right.
But maybe Thomas could too.